{To purchase the ‘Animal School’ movie, click here.}

Let’s think about this:

How many of these questions can you answer right now?

Who is your child’s best friend?

Who is his greatest hero?

What are her heartfelt dreams?

What is his favorite activity?

What is your child’s most precious possession?

Which talent would she hope to have?

What attributes of his personality does he consider unique?

If she is in the middle of reading a book, do you know its title?

When was the last time he got really angry, and has he gotten over the incident yet?

Who is her favorite teacher, and what is her best subject in school?

If you do not know some answers, let not your heart be troubled. You can start getting to know your child more deeply today! RaisingSmallSouls is here to offer you practical parenting tips and advice.

To our children’s success,

P.S. Click here to read what other viewers have said about “Animal School, and post your feedback too!

RaisingSmallSouls is pleased to introduce Nathan Geisler, Master Life Coach, to provide valuable insights into child rearing. Nathan Geisler M.A., an experienced family therapist, has been an educator for life values for the last 25 years. He teaches and lectures at institutes of higher learning, colleges and universities. He has thousands of students across the globe.

Who Are You?

We are on the cusp of those “lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer”. For most of us, the school year has ended. We are looking ahead at weeks of summer vacation time. This might be an appropriate time to ponder some very important larger issues we and our children (students) are facing.

Before we even begin to address these issues, however, please allow me to pose four general questions which we might be well advised to ask ourselves and then pose to our children (or students).Here are my four fundamental questions:

(1) Who are you?

(2) What do you do?

(3) How well do you do it?

(4) What do you want (or need) in order to improve so that you contribute to making your life better?

Parents (or teachers) who are able to concisely and coherently answer these four questions are then in a position to help their children (or students) to work towards being able to successfully address these questions.

Almost all of our activities could be seen as efforts made to pursue the best answers to these four questions.

The question I want to bring to your attention in this article is: Of these four vital quests, what proportion of the answers do you (as a parent or teacher) assign as a parental responsibility, and what proportion do you allocate as a school responsibility?

Traditionally, the classroom teachers saw their roles “in loco parentis” – in place of a parent.

Let us examine these four quests one by one. This article will deal with an overview of the first quest.

“Who are you?” is a ubiquitous question that has infinite layers of depth. In many ways, the developmental processes of education help to continually broaden the answer to “who are you?”. This begins with the ability of children to state their names clearly when asked, “who are you?’ and advancing to the skill of writing their names and addresses. Gender identity is also expressed at this stage of school entry. The mix of other children in the classroom alerts children to the reality that the others in the class have different parents and different families.

Schooling generally goes a long way in helping to foster identification with one’s country, region, state and city and the responsibilities and privileges of citizenship. The answer to “who are you?” might now include American, Canadian, New Yorker, Texan or citizen of Hometown, USA.

Frequently the answer to “who are you?” includes an aspect of cultural and ethnic identity which might also merge or cross with a religious affiliation. “I am a Hispanic”, “I am a WASP”, “I am a Native-American”, etc. Awareness of the answer to “who are you?” as it stands in contrast to the differing answers of others can be a valuable contribution of the school to the successful socialization of the child.

At a more advanced and introspective level, “who are you?” can be interpreted as an existential quest for meaning and value in our lives. Hopefully, the high-school level of literature, history and thought development can help the student frame the question. For many people, this quest is just not part of their vocabulary. These people live their lives with a spiritually stunted growth. Life is simply richer and more meaningful when this aspect of “who are you?” is clearly addressed.

We have seen that education and schooling can go a long way in addressing the question “who are you?”.

Perhaps the single, most important factor in successfully navigating the journey to self-identity is the child’s “perspective of self”.

If the self is viewed as an expanding continuity, then children see themselves as whole beings ready to develop and grow through life. They are gifted with the ability to change and yet still keep their concept of self (”who am I?”) intact.

This most crucial component of self-development is rooted in the home. Each teacher, no matter how influential, usually is replaced by a new teacher come September. Thus, the family is the pivotal center of self-development.

The key to successfully answering the question “who are you?” at every stage of life’s journey is rooted in a strong, positive family relationship.

How comfortable are you (parent or teacher) with the question “who are you?” ?.

How much of your answer is tied up in the roles you play i.e. what you’re doing and not about your core being?

Question: My son is aged 7 years old and has a lot of fears in him. He has a fear of heights, in so much as he will not climb onto a 6 foot slide in a park. He will not even sit on a swing. He is afraid of being in a swimming pool, although he does go in the kiddies pool now as the water reaches his waist. He is scared of the dark and of insects. He will not fight back for himself if he is being bullied by another child his age or even smaller, either physically or verbally. Could someone please help and let me know how I could get rid of these fears of his. Will he outgrow them with age or do I need to take him to a psychologist?

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Typical childhood fears change with age. Younger children usually experience fears that are not based in reality: monster under the bed, boogie men. Children between the ages of 7-11 tend to worry more about universal issues like war, pollution and extreme weather. These types of fears can also include fear of strangers, heights, darkness, animals, blood, insects, and being left alone. Children will usually outgrow their fears, or exchange one type of fear for another as they get older and the landscape of their lives change. The strategies we teach our children to help cope with fears can benefit them for life. It prepares them for dealing with larger fears they may experience when they are older.

Some signs that a child may be overly anxious about fears may include:

• becoming clingy, impulsive, or distracted

• nervous movements, such as temporary twitches

• problems getting to sleep and/or staying asleep longer than usual

• sweaty hands

• accelerated heart rate and breathing

• nausea

• headaches

• stomachaches

To help your child deal with fears and anxieties:

• Recognize that the fear is real. As trivial as a fear may seem, it feels real to your child and it’s causing him to feel anxious and afraid. Being able to talk about fears helps — words often take some of the power out of the negative feeling. If you talk about it, it can become less powerful. Use “detective thinking” by asking him to assess the threat he is anticipating: “What do you think will happen? Is it reasonable to think that you will drown with a lifejacket on and me standing beside you?”

• Never belittle the fear as a way of forcing your child to overcome it. Saying, “Don’t be ridiculous! That slide isn’t even that high”, may get your child to go to the playground, but it won’t make the fear go away.

• Don’t feed into to fears, either. If your child doesn’t like insects, don’t not walk on the grass to avoid one. This will just reinforce that insects should be feared and avoided. Provide support and gentle care as you approach the feared object or situation with your child.

• Teach kids how to rate fear. A child who can visualize the intensity of the fear on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, may be able to “see” the fear as less intense than first imagined. Rating on a thermometer is also a good visual tool. Younger kids can think about how “full of fear” they are, with being full “up to my knees” as not so scared, “up to my stomach” as more frightened, and “up to my head” as truly petrified. After you some coping strategies have him rate the fear again so he can see how much control he has over managing it.

• Teach coping strategies. Try these easy-to-implement techniques. Exposure: using you as “home base,” the child can venture out toward the feared object, and then return to you for safety before venturing out again. Positive Self Talk: The child can also learn some positive self-statements, such as “I can do this” and “I will be OK” to say to himself when feeling anxious.

• Relaxation techniques are helpful, including visualization (of floating on a cloud or lying on a beach, for example) and deep breathing (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate).

If anxious feelings persist, they can be a real detriment to a child’s well being.The question to ask yourself is how are your son’s fears impacting his activities of daily living: social interactions, academic performance, sleep? If his fears are keeping him from participating in his life, i.e. he won’t go out for recess because he is afraid of going near the slide on the playground, or he refuses to get out of the car when you go to the beach for the day because he doesn’t want to go near the water, or if he is staying up at night worrying about what he will do if he is bullied at school, then you will need to take action and get some professional help.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is incredibly useful in helping children overcome anxieties and fears. A Registered Psychologist or Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist will work with your child to “re-wire” his negative thinking that causes him to feel overly anxious about his fears. A great book I recommend is Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky.

Question: My son who is 8 tends to be a follower and goes with what everyone else wants. He does whatever others like and do. I want to help teach him or give him the confidence to be a leader and not care if he likes or does things differently. I am afraid he will follow the bad behavior of the wrong kids. What can I do to help with confidence and leadership? I have already tried talking to him about it without success.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Your son sounds like he may fall into the category of people pleaser. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are usually the most compassionate and generous sorts. However, I do appreciate your fear of him not being able to stand up for himself if he is always listening and doing what other people tell him to.

Here are some suggestions to try that may be beneficial for you and your son.

• Nurture his strengths and talents and set him up with opportunities where he will succeed. If he shows special aptitude in a particular area then support those interests. He is more apt to find leadership opportunities in situations where his strengths are essential and welcomed.

• Whenever appropriate and possible give him choices for making decisions. As he gets older the choices you give him will carry more and more responsibility. As he gains skill at making decisions he will more accurately weigh the pros and cons of each choice. So when he is with the “wrong kids” he will have experience with discerning right choices from wrong ones.

• Encourage him to be more assertive. Invite his friends over and give him opportunities to set the agenda for play. Have him ask the other kids over to play a certain game of your son’s choice. As he gets practicing doing this on his own turf he may be less reluctant to be assertive out the schoolyard.

• Get him to assess his own worth at every opportunity by asking thought provoking questions about how he feels about a situation. You will have to find the right way to ask though, open ended questions will only give you yes or no answers. For example: “How does it make you feel to always play whatever everyone else wants to play?” Instead of: “Did you want to play what everyone else was playing?” If he gives you answers that suggests he feels bad about himself ask him to give you reasons for why that’s not true - if he can’t give you any examples then you give them to him based on fact.

A Recent Conversation:

Son: “I don’t think my friends like the games I play because they think they’re weird.”

Mom: “Well somebody invented that game and it sells in stores so what do you think about that?”

Son: “I think that people like different things.”

Mom: “Yeah, could you imagine if we liked all the same things and everyone was the same?”

Son: “Life would be very boring.”

Mom: “Yes. And when you play those games do you have fun or are you bored?”

Son: “Fun, and I do have some people who will play them with me and have fun too.”

This was an actual conversation - I can’t guarantee it will go this way for everyone but the point is to try and get children to assess their own worth and decide for themselves that it is ok to like different things.

I would also suggest that you take an accurate assessment of who your child is. Not everyone is a leader but that does not mean that they can’t contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your son may be content with “going with the flow” and as long as he has good morals and supportive parents, he will be alright. You may discover that he will not follow the “wrong kids”, but that he may follow the “right” ones.

Question:

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a single mom raising two girls, ages 10 and 7. Being a supportive and nurturing parent is the most important thing to me, and generally, I feel like I’m a pretty good parent. But sometimes, things escalate, they talk back to me, and it reaches a point where I find myself yelling and saying things I really regret later. It’s as if I totally lost control of myself and can’t stop?

Signed, Losing It in New Jersey!

RaisingSmallSouls is proud to present today’s answer by Margo Sasson as a Mother’s Day gift for you and your family!

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer:

Dear Losing It,

There are many ways to answer the question you have posed. Although it may be helpful to analyze what is contributing to your daughter’s frustration, and hence, the escalation between the two of you, I’d like to shelve that issue for now. Rather, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to take a closer look at what is happening inside of you, the parent, that may be contributing to the escalation. By stepping into your internal world, discovering the “wiring” behind the scenes of your own behavior, you can achieve greater self-understanding and enhance your parenting beyond words.

Parenthood is one of the most intense of all human relationships. It is a journey where we can come to discover and develop some of our most positive qualities: our patience, our nurturing, and our ability to identify our children’s strengths and help them see them too. But along the way, we come to meet other, less pleasant, aspects of ourselves. We are faced with the undeniable reality, day after day, that we are appallingly shorter of perfection than we may have thought.

When you describe “losing control” and being “unable to stop”, it is a clue for us that a shift in your general manner has taken place. Your usual rational, calm, “what is the most helpful thing to do here” approach has been abruptly switched off and been usurped by its not-as-likeable, emotion-dominated counterpart. When this happens, your rational self, that part of you that has the ability to delay gratification and coherently plan the next logical step, is basically immobilized. The system that takes over is a system manned by raw, unprocessed emotion (e.g. rage, fury, fear) that is very difficult to contain due to the collapse of logic.

The last decades have seen an explosion in the amount and quality of research generated on the role of the brain in emotional regulation.. What you describe of yourself is something most parents will identify with. Many parents describe occasions where they “see red”, “lose control”, or are “consumed by fury”. They describe being so taken over by this emotional storm that they feel unable to stop themselves. Taken to its extreme, abusive parents describe this state, during which they unleash unbridled fury upon their children and feel unable to stop it. When this state has passed, they may be overcome by deep feelings of remorse and self-hatred. But even for healthy, well-regulated parents, the nature of this type of emotional state is not unfamiliar. And when a parent realizes that he has just spewed venomous criticism and character-slashing toward the child he dearly loves, he will feel deep shame and resolve never to do it again.

What causes the switch into these states, and what can we do to restore our self-control?

Neurologists have identified two primary modes of processing information: the higher mode, or “high road”, and the lower mode, or “low road”. High road processing involves the rational, “higher” form of processing information. It is the ability to objectively analyze information, while allowing us a flexibility and self-awareness throughout the process. Conversely, the low road of information processing represents a shift in gears, whereby the high road is shut down. The individual operates under raw and intense emotion, lack of awareness as to the impact of his actions on others, rigidity, and impulsivity. In purely structural forms, the high road involves the prefrontal cortex in its processing, which is the brain region responsible for rational thoughts, whereas the low road short-circuits that section of the brain and proceeds to process the information utilizing the limbic system only (home to emotional processing) and leaves out the prefrontal cortex.

Of course, the obvious question remains: What triggers the entry into the low road state? Why do we “lose it”, i.e. switch from prefrontal cortex involvement to disengagement?

Neuroscientists have examined the characteristics of the switch to low road processing, and have delineated the process. They have found that there is always a trigger, either internal or external, which serves to activate the shift from high road to low road. At this point, a transitionary process is begun whereby the brain makes its descent into low road processing. Once this happens, you are in a state of “immersion”, where the ability to self reflect and self control is partially or totally suspended. (For further understanding of the brain science involved and for a fascinating read, see “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegal, MD and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed, Penguin-Putnam, 2008)

The ramifications of this knowledge are enormous. If entry into the low road is precipitated by a trigger, perhaps we can identify our triggers and perhaps find an alternative way to respond to them?

In order to answer this, it is helpful to begin with an understanding of what typically constitutes a trigger into low road functioning.

Every parent was once a child herself. We all know that the complexities of how our parents raised us contribute, among myriad other factors, how we view ourselves. Even adults who were raised in a generally positive environment will recall themes or issues that may remain raw or unprocessed for them. These are the unresolved issues, the issues that remain potent with emotionality for us, that trigger our connection with our pain, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Some common themes that people experience as unresolved are dependence, loss, aggression, intimacy, and more.

When one of these issues is activated through interpersonal connections, we access, momentarily, those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Although these feelings can be activated by any interpersonal interaction, children, by virtue of their still-evolving social finesse, activate these feelings in their most primal, basic forms.

Children are still learning to negotiate the bigger issues of attachment and interpersonal skills- the basic building blocks of relationships. This, coupled with the fact that we are so connected to them and assume responsibility for them, contributes to our extreme emotional reactivity toward our children. They consistently serve to trigger some of our most potent unresolved issues in the most basic way.

Although this is a reality, we do not have to resign ourselves to continually reenacting these scenarios we later regret so deeply. We can actively make use of this knowledge to help ourselves.

It is now clear that the entry into the low road is activated by our child’s triggering this state. Something about his behavior, his way of engaging with us, touches upon our most vulnerable spots. Perhaps his needs of us (nurturance, dependence, support) are too much for us to handle? Perhaps he exhibits behavior (aggression, dependence) that brings up themes fraught with emotionality for us? Perhaps we become enraged or ashamed in the face of our own imperfections, impatience, or intolerance that we exhibit following our child’s demands? The result is a flooding of our consciousness with raw emotionality such as rage or fear. This feeling is so strong, such a tidal wave of emotion that we feel quickly stripped of our self control. And the result is subsequent low road behavior.

It seems clear that once on low road mode, it is exceedingly difficult to shift back to high road state. Usually, it is best to take a “time-out” and physically leave if needed, until you’ve sufficiently restored your ability to self-reflect, and wrest back your self-control. But once the mechanism of low road is clear, you can take some quiet time to reflect on the triggers that set you off. Some questions that might be enlightening:

When does my transition into low road tend to occur? (Place, time, specific child)

What are the behavioral triggers that tend to coax me into low road mode? Where do these triggers fit into the larger context of my childhood, upbringing, and self-concept?

Self-reflection is crucial in making sense of your transition into the low road. Although it may not enable you to completely avoid descending into the low road modality, it will enhance your understanding, and allow you t identify alternative coping patterns. (Go for a walk, take a drink, etc.) Ultimately, you may even find yourself able to talk your way around the low road: “I’m feeling myself getting heated up again. Uh-oh. Low road again. Why? Oh, Brian is whining again. He’s pushing the ‘nothing is ever good enough’ button. It’s my old ‘I have to please everyone’ issue. There goes my perfectionism. Ok, this is clearly my issue, not his. He is 8. I am 34. Yeah, but I’m still getting really mad. If I open my mouth, I’ll destroy him! Ok, I’d better get into the kitchen! Wash my face! Just don’t open my mouth! I’ll get through this: High road, here I come!”

Question: I am the mother of 4 beautiful small souls, ages 11, 10, 7, and 6. I arrive home from work about the same time that they get home each day, and I am so tired and drained that all I want to do is rest on the sofa with a good book or TV show for an hour or two.

Signed, Totally Overwhelmed!

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Dear Overwhelmed,

What you are experiencing is what every Mom in your position feels if she is honest about her feelings. Let’s talk about what can be done to make it a better experience for you and your family.

When you get home you are exhausted and want an hour off. How about taking 15-30 minutes of “down time”? Change into comfortable cloths, have a snack with your kids and just sit with your feel up and allow your body to relax. Your kids could probably use some “down time” before starting the whirlwind of homework, practice, supper etc…

You said that cutting back on your hours at work is not an option. In today’s economy it is often necessary to have two incomes. Perhaps you can put some of that money to work for you. Can you hire help to assist you for an hour or two say twice a week?

Many of your friends and neighbors crave the same “break” and “support” you do. I had a standing Thurs night arrangement with one of my friends whose husband worked late. We alternated supper at each other’s homes every week. The kids enjoyed the change, we got to socialize, and otherwise help one another. Best of all, every other week one of us essentially got a free night when we didn’t have to cook supper or clean up.

Similarly, you can arrange carpools to the various after school activities. This way you only have to drive some of the time. Believe me the other parents will be very grateful.

Get a babysitter once a week and invest in some “Mommy Time”. You are juggling a lot between a full work schedule and a full household. You need to replenish in order to be able to operate optimally. Go to the gym, a movie, or whatever it is that you enjoy. Remember- your kids need you to care for yourself, so that you can better care for them.

Question: My 15-year-old daughter’s grades have dropped recently. She has pushed the limits with my patience. She recently gauged her ears as well. I was mortified; she is such a nice, smart, beautiful young girl I am not sure why she would do this especially without asking for my advice or my permission. I made her remove the gauges and replace them with standard diamond studs. I feel like I have lost control. The other day I read a text message she had sent a friend about me it was insightful as well as awful. She does not want to attend family functions with my husband and our two younger children as she feels like I force her to do things she does not want to. She seems to be experiencing forms of depression. Is this normal at this age or should I seek clinical advice? She had a crush on a boy who ended up hurting her feelings, and I think this may have lowered her self- esteem. I’m truly at a loss for words; she repeatedly tells me nothing is wrong with her. I can tell something is bothering her as she is distant and unhappy.

Signed: Help me!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Help Me”:

When are children our babies it is relatively easy for us as parents to establish connections with them — it is an intuitive process and quite often a reciprocal one. We smile and talk softly to our infants and they respond in turn with a smile and a coo. When we meet our babies at the door in the arms of their day care providers, our whole attention is focused on our interaction with them and they in turn squeal with delight to see our radiant familiar faces. These instincts to preserve our bond with our children are continuously triggered into action during infancy. And although our love for our children certainly does not dissipate over time, our instinctive way of engaging them does. In today’s chaotic society, fractured connections with our children can pose real problems in terms of children deferring to unhealthy attachments to peers, substances and self harming rituals.

Essentially you are in competition with your daughter’s deferred attachments - I am assuming mostly her peers. You must supplant yourself in the position of your daughter’s friends! Impose restrictions on her peer interactions like: extracurricular activities that take her away for long periods, taking golf lessons with you or, going on weekend trips with the family, take away her cell phone (say it’s too expensive), picking her up from school. Don’t give her a choice by asking her to do these things - tell her it’s the way it’s going to be. The trick is that while you are imposing restrictions you must also be cultivating opportunities for the two of you to re-connect/attach. However, don’t let her know this is what you are doing - it would only cause her to dig in her heels and fight harder to keep her relationships outside your family. If she is wondering why you are all of sudden so “involved” with her, tell her you have been missing her and want to spend time with her because she is that important to you. Focus on re-establishing a relationship with her and try not to get caught up in her behavior - because you will see a lot of behavior while you are getting her to transition back into the family fold and that could cause you to abandon ship. Stay the course, no matter how rocky it gets. You need to win this competition!

In every encounter you have with her, establish eye contact and smile; this will set the tone for your interaction. Obviously it will be in more subtle terms than when your daughter was a baby. During infancy you probably stuck your face right in to hers until the sight of her two eyes merged into one. (Remember those days of Eskimo and butterfly kisses - sigh!) So instead of getting in her face, try putting yourself in her space. Take an interest in what is important to her - clothes, friends, and activities and communicate that interest by allowing her to express herself to you. It may be tempting to judge and ridicule, but for now you need to try and get an invitation into her world. Once she feels unconditional acceptance (that doesn’t mean you have to agree or like everything she says or does; you just have to be willing to listen) she will feel it is safe for you to know her. Once you have re-established yourself with her, you will be able to parent within the context of that relationship and your influence will become more prominent and affect how she will makes decisions. I don’t think this is entirely lost on you: you were able to get her to replace the gages in her ears with standard diamond studs. This is good news - if things were too far gone she likely would have refused to do that, regardless of what you had to say about it.

Don’t let the sun come up or go down without having expressed your love to her through physical contact (a hug, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a touch to the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a tussle of her hair). Saying “I love you” is important but “touch” grounds us to our connections.

Adolescence is a time for testing out independence and teenagers will do that by trying to push every limit and boundary a parent has set. Ironically, this age group thrives on structure and stability. So they need you to set limits and be in charge. They are not mature enough to go out into the world and not get lost to peer pressure and situations that are beyond their capabilities. This is a time where you begin to establish trust and teach a child how to live in the world with confidence and make decisions that are appropriate. You let your children go and be independent and depending on how they do, you let them go a little bit more each time. When they are not doing well with the independence they are given it is up to the parent to pull in the reigns and redirect and guide the child. When the child learns you are their road map to follow, they will want to stay close to you. Children don’t want to feel lost, and when they do they will attach to anything or anyone that promises a sense of direction.

When she escapes your interventions to take her away from her peers (and she will) you have to go and get her. I have a friend whose 15 year old son snuck out of the house and went to his girlfriends, where the parents were not home. When she discovered he was gone at 1am she drove there and knocked on the door. When he refused to come with her she sat in the driveway honking the horn until the neighbors began to complain and the son eventually got in her car. And it was a long time that she sat there making noise - but she never gave up and her efforts re-positioned herself as her sons’ main influence. It’s not always about consequences, sometimes we just have to demonstrate that we are “here” for them - no matter what they do! Consequences for misbehavior are important but right now your main goal is to reconnect with your daughter and lure her away from unhealthy choices. And believe me these kinds of things I am suggesting will feel like consequence enough to her! It won’t be necessary for you to impose any more.
I am a huge advocate of “the family that eats together stays together”. Insist on having family meals at the table, away from distractions and have thought provoking conversations. If talk doesn’t come easy use conversation starters: “Tell me about the best part of your day and the worst part of your day”; “If you could be anything on the planet, what would that be?” “Who is your hero, and why?” You learn a lot about each other during this kind of dialogue.

I wouldn’t rule out depression. If things persist past 6 months (perhaps they already have) you may want to have her assessed. The drastic drop in marks and withdrawal is concerning but that may be reactionary after being rejected by her crush - especially since she so obviously puts much stock in her peer relationships. There are other signs and symptoms of depression that you did not mention - not sleeping, or sleeping all the time, irritable mood, lack of appetite/weight loss, lack of interest in things she once enjoyed. It sounds more like teenage angst to me and a girl who is trying to find her identity within a group of peers; and yes, this is normal for this age.

Question: Is there anything you would recommend which would help our daughter, age 6, and overcome her shyness? Our main concern is that she finds it difficult to talk and interact with other children (other than her best friend) and make eye contact with others outside of the family.

Signed, What else can I do?

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

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Dear What Else,

I think what you are doing is great. Some kids can be very shy especially around unfamiliar people. I think rehearsing and preparing for social situations is a key way to lower your daughter’s anxiety, and help her feel more comfortable.

There are a few other ideas I would like you to consider. There are children who have a very hard time talking at school or social situations outside of the home. Some of these children stop talking altogether outside of the house. This is known as Selective Mutism. Interestingly enough, these same children can be very talkative with close friends and family. I am not suggesting that this is the case- however some of the recommended interventions may be helpful to you.

Other children are invited to the home, so the child can talk to them and spend time with them in a comfortable way. After this is done a number of times, the children usually feel more comfortable interacting with the same kids at school or other settings.

It is also helpful to have a parent or close family member with them at various social settings. (In cases of Selective Mutism the parent will accompany the child to school and talk with them there. This is repeated, and generally over a period of time the child will speak with other children and peers.) The trusted adult figure serves as a safety net in these situations.

Having her join the drama group is another great idea, as long as she wants to. I would not push her if she feels this is outside of her comfort zone. Certainly if there is a talent that she has, it can used as an expressive creative outlet.

The last idea I would like to present you with is a social skills group. Your daughter is at the perfect age to join one. She can make friends and acquire the skills and confidence to be more social in school and elsewhere.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!