Kids with healthy self-esteem: The ingredient that cannot be left out of the recipe!

The other day, I was at an interesting parenting seminar.

The psychologist giving the lecture opened the session by asking us what the single most important aspect of parenting is, regarding raising children with a healthy self-esteem.

Assorted answers rang through the crowd.

“Give ‘em lots of hugs and kisses.”

“React to their good and bad actions positively.”

“Praise often and criticize rarely.”

“These were all excellent parenting tips,” Dr. D reassured us, “but what is the essential key to raising children who have great self-esteem?”

More parents called out various parenting advice, until the good Doctor silenced the crowd.

“There is one factor that will determine a child’s level of self-esteem. Parents can mess up in any other area, but if they mess up in this one area, the child is doomed to a low self-image. This is psychological math, it is the reason why children grow up feeling good about themselves.”

We all waited with baited breath, as the psychologist continued.

“The single most important aspect of parenting is conveying the message to your children that they are the source of your joy. They are the reason for your happiness, NOT a deterrent to it!”

He went on to demonstrate this principle with a story. He was visiting a friend who was describing a horrible incident that had recently occurred. She referred to the terrible day as a “snow day”. On that awful snow day, she had been trapped with all three of her children in their home for a period of twenty-four hours. Dr. D expounded upon how the children, who had been listening nearby, had felt.

When children feel that they are a deterrent to their parent’s happiness, they feel unworthy and badly about themselves.

Imagine if you came home early from work, and met your spouse in the living room, who looked up and remarked, “Oh, Honey, I was really hoping for some peace and quiet here this afternoon, why don’t you go on over to hang out at a friend’s house?”

How would you feel? Do you feel valued? Appreciated? Highly regarded?

Obviously not. The same feelings of rejection are experienced by children who are greeted upon their arrival home from school with, “Sweetheart, I’m really busy now, why don’t you play in the basement?” Or at Sammy’s house, or outside, or upstairs, or ANYWHERE BUT HERE!

Greeting a child who comes home from school with love and attention is one of the integral keys to raising psychologically sound kids.

Your children know that you are busy. You’ve told them so thousands of times! When you take the time and energy to focus upon them, they feel valued and esteemed.

Remember- how do children spell “love”? T-I-M-E!

“You hate me!” my child said.

All normal and healthy parents naturally love their children. Loving our children is an instinctive parental response. We brought the child into the world, and do so much for the kid, obviously we love them. Well, most of the time, that is.

Sometimes when we feel disappointed or upset, relationships can become strained. Perhaps the child was discouraged, or simply did not understand the parent. Occasionally, there are emotions that arise that are difficult to admit even to ourselves. When stressed to the max, sometimes a parent even hates their child for a while. Not a lasting hatred, but an irrepressible feeling that arises when we just “don’t know what to do with that kid anymore!” Although the emotion will pass, within that momentary hatred, a parent may demonstrate the ill feeling by using a certain tone of voice, eye contact, or language.

Children are extraordinarily perceptive. When a child shouts, “You hate me!” he believes his words to be true.

“Don’t be silly, how could I hate you?” Mom will often retort.

Of course, the parent is correct, and does not truly hate their child. However that momentary flash of dislike manifested itself and the child recognized it, and responded it to it. Parents who love their children intensely can sometimes become frustrated and send their child a mixed message.

Reprimands should always be done softly with love. However, in real life that is not always the case, and sometimes we respond to our children’s behavior in a way that does not convey any love. When it is difficult to reprimand our children with tenderness, it is an indication that at that moment we are confused as to how we really feel about our children. If the adult is confused, then the child is most definitely upset and confused. When you hear, “You hate me!” from your child, do not be shocked, because he has verbalized something that is more real than we care to admit.

The initial reaction, the spark of hatred which is conveyed unintentionally can have lasting damages if not corrected quickly.

You can test yourself, as a parent, to see whether your burst of anger was simply harsh discipline which will blow over, or spiteful vengeance that can create an emotional wound in your child. Five minutes after your outburst, reach out to your child and give him a hug. Although it is likely that the child will resist your overture of affection, you want to test your side of the relationship.

If you find that you cannot embrace your child, then it is an indication that he is right, and he correctly sensed a very negative emotion directed at him. He picked up on something that you do not want to express, nor even admit to yourself.

It is appropriate that you be able to reach out and hug your child even though you were very angry a moment ago. When you expressed your anger in order to teach your child an effective lesson, the harsh demeanor was really for the benefit of the child, because you want him to grow up to be a successful, responsible person. Had your intention in your outburst been intended to educate and instruct the child, you should be able to demonstrate your love with a hug within a few seconds.

Recognize that when children cause you challenges and pain, it is because they are experiencing challenges and pain. Your child is not “out to get you”, rather he is suffering at that particular moment.

At the end of a long day, always remember: Reach out and touch them with love.

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