Do You Have a Parenting Mission Statement? Why Not?

Imagine that you are looking for a ride to Los Angeles. You meet someone who says that they have room in their car to give you a lift to California. “Exactly where in California are you going?” you ask.

“Oh, we’re not sure. Just somewhere in CA,” he responds.

“I need to get to LA,” you explain. “Are you going in that direction?”

When he answers, “I don’t know,” then you look elsewhere for a ride.

Obviously, you do not want to travel with someone who does not know where he is going! Similarly, would you want your child to be raised by people who are floating aimlessly through their children’s formative years?

It is highly recommended that you put your parenting goals in writing. We have mission statements for our charities, our businesses, and our volunteer groups. Why not a mission statements for your family?

One family decided upon the parenting goal, “We want our children to feel confident about their abilities and free to express their creativity.” They printed their mission statement on decorative paper and hung it on the refrigerator.

Several days later, Dad walked into the kitchen to see five-year-old Tami leaning over the kitchen sink spraying sudsy water over the counters and the floor. Repressing the reflex to react in anger to the wet mess, Dad noticed the parenting goal on the fridge. Calmly he asked, “What are you doing?”

“I’m washing the dishes!” Tami answered with a note of pride in her voice. “I’m helping to keep the kitchen clean!”

“What a great idea, that was really thoughtful of you,” Dad replied. “How about if I help you unclog the drain, so the water won’t overflow, and we get a stool for you, so you don’t need to sit on the counter?”

“Gee, thanks Daddy,” Tami said after they had cleaned the majority of the puddles. “Now I’m going to be able to wash the dishes even better next time!”

It was a result of this family’s goal that this father was able to redirect his initial reaction, and respond in a way that would help his daughter achieve her goal. Instead of leaving his daughter to feel guilty and embarrassed for her unsuccessful dishwashing endeavor, he was able to give Tami the appreciation and confidence in accordance with the family’s goal.

What’s your parenting mission statement?

Less is More!

When communicating with children of any age bracket, less is more. Strive for simplicity in your instructions and teachings.

Kids do not have the acquired ability to “cut to the chase” of an idea; they have not yet gained the maturity to sort the facts from the fluff.

We are referring to situations where you as a parent want to get a certain point or explicit directions across to your child, not to chats and conversations.

“I told you to put it away three times already! What else do I have to do to get you to understand that you need to put away the things you take out?! Games do not belong on the table during dinnertime! This is really driving me crazy!” is a prime example of ‘more’ that should be ‘less’.

The child is hearing several messages. He is hearing about the amount of times that he was told to put an object away. He was rhetorically questioned about what other motivations his mother should utilize in getting him to put the thing away, and he has heard her express her annoyance about this incident.

Wow! That’s a lot of messages for a kid!

What has he learned? He has learned how to get his mom to feel frustrated, which can give him a sense of control when he feels powerless to control his own frustrations.

Is that what Mom intended to get across in her tirade? Didn’t she just want the thing to be put away?

What would happen when Mom speaks firmly and evenly, saying the following; “Johnny, put it away. Now.”

If Johnny is more familiar with rants and raves than firm orders, he may ignore his mother the first few times she determinedly repeats her commands. It will take several days of repetition for the new method of instruction to become internalized and effective.

There is nothing to be gained by resorting to raised voices and shouting matches. There will be far more compliance when Mom is able to swallow the frustration and anger, and say gently but firmly, “Johnny, I would like you to put the game away now”.

Statements like, “I’m getting very upset with you,” and “You are not listening to me,” and “How many times do I have to tell you…” are all superfluous to an environment of good conduct.

It can be hard to avoid expressing your anger towards your child’s incompliance; however, in the long run you want a compliant child, not a venting board.

It all boils down to simplicity of communication: Less is more!

Praise What They Did, Not Who They Are!

How to harness the power of praise to build your children’s self-esteem

Raising kids with a healthy dose of self-esteem is one of the main goals parents have. In addition to a favorable attitude toward spending time with your child, which is the key to kids’ self-esteem, a fair dose of praise is effective in developing their self-image.

What kind of praise results in a happy and confident child? And which type of praise yields an arrogant and self-centered child?

Praise what the child did, not who the child is.

When your son arrives home from school holding his math test marked with 100%, resist the urge to express how smart and intelligent he is. Rather than exclaiming, “Wow, darling, you are brilliant!” a preferential statement would be, “Wow, darling, you knew the math so well, you did really well!”

The technical differences between praising the child’s identity, versus praising their actions may seem insignificant to some parents, yet the conclusions are powerful.

When a mother tells their daughter with a straight-A report-card, “Oh, sweetheart, you are just brilliant!” the girl believes that this is an integral part of her identity. However, what happens when next semester’s report-card is peppered with B’s and C’s? Who is she at this point? What if she were to meet a classmate whose report card showed only A+’s? That can lead her to confusion and questioning about who she really is.

On the other hand, when Mom responds to the straight-A report card with, “Oh, sweetheart, you did an incredible job in all your subjects, this is fantastic!” the praise remains with the girl forever. No one can ever take away the things she did in the past, and the accomplishments that she has done.

Keep on praising their actions, and you’ll raise a winner!

The Golden Rule of Punishing Kids

There are modern parenting advisors who believe that punishing children is off-limits. They say that proper behaviors can be instilled in children without any punishments. However, punishment need not be defined as corporal punishment.

Banning corporal punishment and hitting is a reasonable position. The only exception might be the child who is not yet three years old who has done something severely dangerous, and cannot yet comprehend a verbal reprimand. Whether we like it or not, as parents, we are constantly leading by example, and when we hit our child because she did something we do not like, the little girl has learned two things; to take precautions not to get caught the next time she repeats this particular action, and when someone else who is smaller than she is does something against her liking, she should hit them.

When a child feels a loving relationship with her parents, a look of dismay, or a comment such as, “That makes me very sad, and I don’t want to feel that way about your behavior,” is a punishment in itself. Ignoring a child for a moment or two because, “Right now I’m too upset to talk to you,” or simply leaving the room sends a clear message of disapproval, and is normally enough of a punishment.

When do your children need to be reprimanded or removed from the situation where they acted out? When is it advisable to overlook your child’s negative conduct and minor infractions?

The golden rule of thumb is this: When a child has done something that is age-appropriate, no punishment is needed. Conversely, if a child committed an act that was totally inappropriate for her age, then you should punish him in one of the methods described above.

When a six-year-old refers to a guest as “the man with the big nose,” parents tend to get upset, however it is totally age-appropriate for a youngster to describe the features they see without any intention of insulting the person. It is a good idea to tell her that we do not talk about the way people look in front of them; however a punishment would be totally uncalled for.

Ask yourself this question, “Will she do it when she is eighteen?” If the answer is no, you can generally feel confident dealing with the situation without a negative reaction.

If the child’s deed is age-appropriate conduct, a gentle explanation of proper behavior will certainly suffice.

How to Handle Other People’s Children

An oft-heard subject of controversy is disciplining other peoples’ kids.

What do you do when your children have playmates at your home who are misbehaving?

I don’t think there is an easy answer to this difficulty.

I have heard some parents advising that, “Whatever happens in my house is under my jurisdiction, and all of my kids’ guests must follow the rules of our home.”

On the other hand, some parents say, “Disciplining someone else’s kid is out of my domain. Unless he is doing damage, I leave well enough alone. However, I am sure to explain to my child that just because his friend acts in a certain manner does not mean it is permissible to him.”

How do you feel about reacting to the inappropriate behavior of kids visiting your home?

A typical day… is pretty sad

I once read an account of the typical conversations that occur between parent and child in the course of an average day.

If a recording were to be made of the interaction between a parent and their child, it would look something like this:

“Take your feet off the couch.”

“Food belongs in the kitchen.”

“Get your shoes on already.”

“Be careful with the milk.”

“Hurry up!”

“Don’t yell.”

“Let me pour the milk for you.”

“We’re late, hurry!”

“Food belongs in the kitchen.”

“Oh! Look at the mess you made!”

“Here’s a towel, clean it up.”

“What do you mean, you can’t find your shoes?”

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“Where was the other shoe?”

“Finish up, we’ve gotta go!”

“Talk to your sister nicely.”

“Get your coat on.”

“I SAID DON’T YELL!”

What can I say? Way too sad for any comments.

A Scream-Free Zone

Night has fallen, and a quiet and relaxing evening is approaching. At least, that’s what we had imagined.

The reality is that sounds of, “I need to go to the bathroom,” and “my blanket fell down,” and “We forgot to brush my teeth,” are wafting down the stairs.

Sigh. After the third, “Can I have a drink?” it becomes a double-sigh.

Frustration sets in. “I deserve a quiet evening after a long day with the kids,” passes through our minds.

“QUIET!” We yell, “I said, GO TO SLEEP NOW!”

If we could hear how ridiculous we sound, we would understand why the children are giggling at us beneath their covers.

Screaming means that we have lost control over the children, as well as control over ourselves. When the kids are screaming, and we retaliate by screaming louder, nobody has communicated effectively. Many children will laugh when screamed at, others will stand with their heads bowed in silence, and some will just stand there waiting for us to finish yelling.

Have you ever screamed at a child who then looked up and said, “Mom, you are right, I behaved badly and I am sorry.”? It is very rare. Why? Why don’t the kids apologize when reprimanded? Because when a parent speaks in anger, regret and repentance are not the emotions being aroused. Rather, the screaming awakens anger, pain, and shame in a child.

Sometimes it seems that yelling can be effective. Like invisible ink, its effect is transient and temporary. Yelling and screaming teach nothing beyond anger. Yelling and screaming do not provide children with any lessons or tools for improvement.

The next time the children’s sounds have reached an uncomfortably high decibel, instead of yelling, try whispering. Picture the scene. When someone is conversing with someone who has laryngitis, it is difficult to speak more loudly than they are. On the other hand, when others are screaming, it is natural and instinctive to join in the shouting. In order to gain control, you must reverse the process and lower the volume by speaking softly.

If the child persists in screaming, continue whispering gently, “Sweetheart, I’d love to talk to you but I cannot understand you when you scream. Can I help you calm down so that you can say that in a different tone of voice?” It may take a few minutes of repetition until the child gets the message and stops yelling. If he wants to be heard, he will realize that there is really no choice. If a child is near hysteria, you may want to remove him from the room. “Honey, I’d really like to listen to what you are saying, so go to your room and when you have stopped screaming come back hear so we can have a conversation.”

How did you feel when others screamed at you? Nobody in their right mind likes to be yelled at. At best, screaming is just annoying. At worst it is hurtful and embarrassing. Yelling is almost never effective at all.

Ssshhh… Whispering back is the key!