Truthful Chilren

Living in a society in which our highest government officials and largest corporations are routinely found to be dishonest, how can we teach our children to be truthful? A recent Reader’s Digest article exposed that over 60% of high school students admitted to plagiarizing. (And those are only the ones that acknowledged their cheating!)

Although our children will learn many lessons from their parents and teachers, the most powerful lessons will be the ones they learn from our actions, especially from our actions in dealing with him.

Some parents regularly repeat their questions for their kids and cross-examine them, particularly if they have reason to suspect that the truth is not being told. Unconsciously, these parents are actually raising their child in a direction away from integrity. When children see that their parents constantly doubt them, they learn that their word cannot be trusted, and associate themselves with being a liar.

Studies have demonstrated a surprising fact about truthful kids: When children are raised by somewhat naive parents who believe their children readily, they are more likely to lead lives of integrity. This is a direct result of the message that the parent sends- unspoken message that by taking the child’s words as facts (even if the kid lied once in a while!) he was a person who could be trusted to speak the truth!

When you suspect your child of telling a lie that does not carry great consequences, in the long run, it is far better to believe him and feed his view of himself as a truthful person, than to make a fuss regarding minor details. Obviously, if the child had lied about a grave matter, a responsible parent will address the necessary facts, however most of the time children distort their views of reality in an inconsequential manner.

Child-rearing is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you regularly trust your child, he considers himself a person of truth!

Dear Mommy & Daddy,

My five-year-old son brought home a picture of a fruit tree he had decorated in school, with the following poem that I feel compelled to share with you:

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

When a farmer plants a tree,
He toils and toils endlessly.

He works all day and sometimes through the night,
To assure that the fruits come out just right.

All the more so do parents work for many, many years,
Putting in physical efforts as well as tears.

And with the help of God, the fruit becomes ripe and sweet,
And parents will have accomplished the ultimate feat.

Mommy and Daddy you are polishing my soul, helping it grow,
And for that I thank you and love you so.

May it be the will of God that all the efforts you invest in me,
Should bring out the best ‘fruit’ there can be.

Love,
Jacob

Playing… and Learning!

Some of the deepest and most inspirational lessons that we have learned were a result of observation, rather than lectures. It’s simple psychological math that actions always speak louder than words.

Weaving lessons into everyday life, especially fun activities like a game that your child chose to play with you, is a very effective means of education. Here are some ideas to turn an ordinary game into a springboard to impart timeless values for your children.

Integrity: The urge to win a game can become so powerful that we are moved to cheating. You can discuss the benefits of honesty and the detriments of cheating, while playing a board game with your kids.

Here are some winning points:

Winning: It is human nature to feel good when you win, but how did you make your opponent feel? Did you gloat in arrogance or handle the winning with modesty?

Taking advantage of the weak: While playing a game with your child, there are abundant opportunities to take advantage of other players who are younger, less experienced, or not as attentive to the rules. This is a good time to talk about fairness versus aggression.

Be happy with what you have: There is a fine line between striving to become better and being content with who you are and what you have now. Share insights with your children that oftentimes in retrospect the bad things were blessings in disguise.

The glass is half full: Whether you won or lost, you as the parent can use the game as an opportunity to complement your child on a smart move, or getting along with another player amicably. No matter how well or poorly the game was played; you can always find a way to praise an aspect of how your child played.

Here’s to your success!

Quality Time with Your Child

What is “quality time” and why has it reached paramount importance in parenting magazines?

Quality time is when you spend time focused on your child. It is not the time that you pay the bills, clean the house, or run errands. It is not the time that the ringing of the phone constantly disrupts your conversation with your son.

Quality time is any pleasurable activity that a parent and child are engaged in together. It can be shopping, baking cookies, simply talking, playing a game, or even going through homework- anything that the child enjoys doing together with you.

Your son knows how important incoming phone calls are to you. When you let the voice mail answer the phone, you are conveying a nonverbal message that your child is important and valued.

When you allow your daughter to choose the place and activity of your quality time, you are sending a message of respect. You are letting her know that her desires are important to you.

It is important to demonstrate interest in your child’s interests. Imagine that someone made derogatory remarks about your political, religious, or social views. As adults, we would generally react by feeling hurt and belittled.

Children, too, need to align themselves with people who share their views and interests. This does not mean that you need to develop a fascination with dolls in order to spend quality time with your daughter that is presently obsessed with her doll collection. However, when you listen to her description of the various details of the dolls in an attentive manner, you are subtly hinting to her, “I love you so much that whatever is important to you is of interest to me”. This will raise her self-esteem.

Conversely, a child who regularly hears from their parent the verbal or silent message that, “Your toys and friends are of no interest to me because I am busy with more important things” will suffer a tremendous blow to his self-esteem.

Most children will gladly talk about their interests and experiences to any adult that will listen to them. If your child is hesitant to share details of his life with you, it is often a sign that he has been rebuffed by a ‘too busy’ adult during the times that he was open to sharing thoughts about his class and hobbies.

Some parents wonder if they are being dishonest by feigning an interest in moths while viewing their son’s insect collection. You need not pretend to want to start your own personal bug collection, yet you should feel an interest in the matter simply because it is something that is important to your son.

I once heard it said that when a child’s toy boat gets a hole and sinks to the bottom of the bathtub, it is an equally great tragedy as the merchant whose fleet of ships loaded with merchandise sink in the sea. A child’s world has the same importance to him, as our world as adults has to us.

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Discovering the Root of the Problem

What is every parent’s automatic reaction to becoming aware of a problematic issue with their child?

Yes, they try to fix it. Immediately!

Sometimes it is a good idea to stop and wait. Get to know your child better, and perhaps let several hours or days pass by prior to reacting.

When the brand-new bottle of milk goes sour within a day or so, we may be quick to blame the kids who leave the milk on the table, instead of returning it to the refrigerator. However, in delving into the issue, we might discover that our spouse left the groceries in the trunk of the van for hours, while it was parked in the blazing sun.

In solving the problem, in this case the spoiled milk, it is wise to view the entire picture prior to jumping to conclusions or blaming others. While it is entirely possible that the children are not vigilant in returning the milk to the fridge, when we open our eyes and look to find the root of the problem, we often can discover a more prominent issue that needs to be remedied.

My son’s teacher told me about an eight-year-old boy that was caught taking cash from his mother’s purse. Naturally, the boy’s parents were extremely incensed. These parents were a paradigm of honesty, and could hardly bring themselves to believe that their own flesh-and-blood son had been stealing. Their basic instinct was to reprimand and punish the child for his actions.

Thankfully, they had a good relationship with one of his teachers, and decided to speak with her prior to lashing out on their son. The teacher, in turn, spoke to the child, who explained his behavior as follows: “I don’t have any good friends in school, and I feel unpopular. So I decided that if I would buy snacks to give out to the kids at school, they would like me more and become my friends. That’s why I took some of my Mom’s money.”

What a different picture has been painted by gaining understanding of the root of the problem! The child felt guilty about taking the cash without permission, however that was secondary to the loneliness he experienced school. It was the friendlessness, not desire to steal money, which lead him to take the money and purchase snacks.

Obviously, the boy had to be reprimanded for his dishonesty. However, in discovering the root of the problem, the parents were able to help him increase his social skills and make the time to invite classmates over to their home in order to fun and gain friends.

A problem requires a reaction, however discovering the root of the problem will likely deem a different course of action to be appropriate than originally thought.

Stop. Think. Discover. And then, act.

Parenting in the Fast Lane

Today my nearly-seven-year-old son showed me his first loose tooth. For one short second tears came unwillingly to my eyes as I recalled the time a spoon clinked against his first tooth when he was a baby. That was just yesterday, wasn’t it? Where did all of these years go? How did my baby become a sports enthusiast, an excellent reader in two languages, and keep trying to solve the math problems at the end of the arithmetic book?

Despite the sleepless nights and endless weekends, their childhood flies by with incomprehensible speed. The demands of modern life often dictate a two-income family just to make ends meet. Although appliances like the microwave and dishwasher are designed to save us time, we are constantly running ahead just to stay in place!

How do find quality time when there is a relatively small quantity of time we can spend with our children? Where can we take a break from the vast lane, and reconnect with those that mean the most to us?

Do you know how children spell the word ‘love‘? T-I-M-E.

If you are extremely busy, it is essential that you choose regular, specific time slots to spend an uninterrupted five to fifteen minutes with each child.

* If your child is an early riser, a few minutes together in the morning, prior to starting the getting-breakfast-and-dressed routine will have an enormous effect on the tone of his day.

* Immediately when she returns home from school is a great time to reconnect and express your love for your daughter.

* If you have different bedtimes for children of various ages, spending time with the child who stays up later right after the younger one has been put to bed will make him feel special and the bonding more focused.

* When putting multiple children to bed at the same bedtime, choose a different kid each night that can tiptoe out of bed and share a glass of water with you for a few minutes.

These are times that children are very receptive to their parents’ emotions. Expressing your love and pride in your child will definitely make him more cooperative and loving.

No matter what time works best for your family, you will yield tremendous dividends by investing in quality time on a consistent basis.

Which times work best for you?

A Child’s Emotional Bank Account

At a parenting seminar I recently attended, someone asked a room full of parents, “What is the most difficult aspect of raising successful children?”

The most memorable response drew a lot of laughs; “The first twenty-five years.”

Indeed, there are numerous challenges we parents face from the toddler times through their teenage years, and beyond!

A parenting tip to gain cooperation and good conduct is to make frequent deposits into our children’s emotional bank account.

What is an emotional bank account? Think of it this way: When your checking account is overdrawn, it is hard for you to give away money. Similarly, people have emotional bank accounts that must be sufficiently full for them to give away- not money, but time, personal responsibility, and good behavior.

Adding regular “deposits” in your kid’s emotional bank account is smart investing in their future, so they will feel secure in “withdrawing” or giving back to you in the form of respect and proper obedience of your rules. A child who feels that he is running a “negative balance” will gain pleasure from making Mom or Dad get angry. In a backwards psychological way, the power the child yields over his parents in driving them to extreme frustration can fill an otherwise empty emotional bank account. It’s the classic case of the child who would rather get negative attention from their parents than no attention. Being yelled at is better than being ignored, as it fills his emotional account with a “bad currency” rather than leaving it “in the red”.

Here are some suggestions of “deposits” to bump up the balance in your child’s emotional bank account:

1) Give him a gift for no reason.
2) Place a note that says, “I love you” in her lunch bag.
3) Let him choose (from options you provide) the next family vacation.
4) Spend time alone with her at a location of her choice
5) Truly listen when she speaks to you
6) Believe in him, and his ideas.
7) Do a surprise favor for her.
Give him specific and truthful complements.

Making regular deposits in your children’s emotional bank accounts will yield dividends beyond any those of the highest-performing stock on the market!