Fathers and Babies

In recent years, we have seen the trend towards more fathers having greater involvement in their baby’s lives.

Two or three generations ago, the idea of a Dad preparing formula for his infant would have been a bit unusual. Now, dads worlwide are involved in their baby’s care nearly as much as moms.

Recently, I heard a quote from a great Rabbi from a prior generation. He said that a father’s responsibility towards his young children, is to make sure that the child has a happy and relaxed mother!

How do you feel about that?

If you are a man- how involved were/are you in taking care of the baby? If you are a woman- how much does your child’s father help out?

Bedtime Rules for Parents!

The other day I met a wonderful family staying nearby here in Florida; six well-mannered children from age five to twenty, and two truly dedicated parents.

“I don’t go to sleep until my children are in bed,” Mr. B. remarked.

“Your kids are teenagers!” I exclaimed. “How can you possibly consistently stay up past your children?”

“When do most problems occur?” Mr. asked gently asked. “Generally children get into trouble late at night, not during broad daylight. My kids are good kids… yet I still know that my responsibility as a parent does not end at 10:00 or 11:00pm, when I’d like to call it a night. As a parent, I make sure that I know where my children are, and what they are doing, at every hour of the day and night.”

Truthfully, I was blown away by his simple explanation of his bedtime. How many parents of teenagers know what their teenagers are doing every evening, and are consistently available to wish their children a warm ‘good-night’ at any time of the evening… or even early hours of the morning?!

Would you consider waiting until your children have gone to bed before retiring?

Is it necessary?

Is it wise?

My humble opinion would be a resounding ‘YES’! What’s yours?

We’re off to Florida!

The truth is that I did not intend for RaisingSmallSouls.com to be a personal blog. However I’ve had great email conversations with several viewers of “Animal School” that left inspirational comments… and therefore I feel this category is justified in maintianing contact with my visitors:)

We’re leaving in an hour to Florida for nearly two weeks. My children are so excited, they have never been on a plane before! We’ll be meeting my husband, parents, and brother who have already been there for a few days.

Since I launched “Animal School” just two weeks ago, there have been about many new RaisingSmallSouls subscribers! Please be patient… your newsletter will arrive when I return home, toward the end of the month, and I have a lot of exciting and interactive content planned to help all of us with raising our children!

Please continue to leave your inspiring reviews of “Animal School”… although I’ve watched the movie hundreds (thousands?) of times in various stages of production, it never fails to bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes.

To our children’s success,

Ellen

PS On RaisingSmallSouls’ homepage, do you think I should move the comment link from the bottom of the page, all the way up, near the link to the movie? Did you notice the comment link on the bottom? I’ve gotten more personal emails than comments… so I’m wondering if visitors simply did not read all the way to the end and realize they could post reviews on the site. What do you think?

Parenting FAQ’s

I enjoy getting to know RaisingSmallSouls’ visitors and subscribers better, and I’d like to know what I can do to help your family!

Feel free to tell us about your child or children, and ask your most pressing parenting questions over here.

I will do my best to answer your question in a future newsletter! Please use the ‘search’ box in the right sidebar to check if your question has already been addressed within RaisingSmallSouls.
What is the most important question you have about raising children?

Be specific, include your child’s age, and only post questions you are comfortable being publicly viewed!

How To Treat Your Different Children Fairly

“It’s not fair!” is one of the most common outcries of children in every age bracket.

Children will invoke the perceived power of the ‘fairness doctrine’ at any opportunity that does not turn out to their liking. Oftentimes they will succeed in intimidating their parents to change their minds by demonstrating the lack of fairness that was inadvertently displayed.

“Why is it always my job to do this?” or “How come you always punish me and he gets away with it?” And, “She got the better/bigger one!” are oft-heard proclamations of children self-interpreting the ‘fairness doctrine’.

The question arises; shouldn’t parents treat all their children equally? Is it not appropriate to dole out equal amounts of love, attention, and gifts to every sibling in the family?

Naturally, parents should do their best to treat their children in a fair manner. However, here is the key: Fairness does not necessarily mean equality. Being fair is not synonymous with treating every child in an identical way. Children and parents alike will do well to internalize this lesson.

In a school setting, fairness is defined by equality, where each student receives equal privileges and opportunities.

In a family setting, however, it is neither realistic nor advisable to treat all children identically. One child has certain needs or abilities that the other lacks. One sibling is older and the other is younger.

Parents want to focus on giving equal consideration to each child; however that does not translate into equal treatment. Whenever measurably possible, goodies should be doled out with equality, to avoid the ‘His piece of cake is bigger than mine!’ syndrome.

Some children must go to bed earlier than others, due to their schedule or personal sleeping needs. One sibling may require tutoring, extra-curricular activities, or more motivation than his sister or brother.

Whenever equal treatment is not possible or sensible, the children’s appeal of the ‘fairness doctrine’ should not prevent parents from doing whatever must be done. Explanations that expound upon why the unequal treatment is truthfully impartial will go a long way to ease children’s minds.

The fact that each sibling has unique needs that may require different treatment can be a challenging concept for children to grasp. Therefore, it is wise to repeat and reinforce the message that while differences may appear unfair, they are necessary and unbiased.

Remember that the constitutionality of the ‘fairness doctrine’ must be interpreted by parents, not by children!

How To Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

“A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.” an ancient quote proclaims.

Parents can derive much comfort from the universality of sibling rivalry. At the very beginning of time, the first two siblings, Cain and Abel, did not get along with each other, and as a result Cain killed his brother! Fortunately, we can rest assured (hopefully!) that our children are not about to murder their brother or sister. However, this reassurance provides little comfort in the face of constant bickering, teasing, and fighting.

What can we parents do to eliminate sibling rivalry?

In evaluating any behavior it is useful to examine the emotions and thoughts that precede the behavior, in order to fully understand and rectify the issue at hand.

What thoughts are likely to be occupying the mind of a mother or father whose children are fighting? Very often the parent takes responsibility for the children’s misbehavior and concludes that it is a personal failure in him or herself. The thought process travels along these lines: “If my child can behave in this manner, then it must be my fault, and therefore I am a failure as a parent.”

As a result of the parent’s feelings of inadequacy, the parent will try to “fix” the child, who rarely responds positively, and his behavior generally deteriorates further. As the parent becomes more enraged, he or she often becomes angry at the perceived cause of the feelings of incompetence – the child!

When parents allow themselves to correctly feel less personally and totally responsible for every aspect of their children’s behavior, much of the anger would be eliminated from the above scenarios.

Once the negative emotions of anger and frustration are no longer in the picture, a parent can move towards the next productive step: Don’t get involved!

With the exception of serious physical damage, or youngsters under the age of 3 or 4, it is best for parents not to intervene in an argument in which they were not involved. When toddlers do require their parents to step in, it should be done simply to separate the combatants, and not to take sides in the fight. Firmly removing the toy that has caused the conflict, or placing the children in different rooms to play will teach toddlers that they will not win points in the competition for parental love by drawing their parents into their rivalry. If mother or father had a habit of attempting to settle each fight by playing umpire, it will take some time to unlearn those habits, yet it can be done.

Obviously, it is not advisable for parents to become indifferent to their children�s bickering. Just as parents do with other developmental learning skills, they can help their children best by rooting from the sidelines and not jumping into the field.

The common outcry and initial reaction of parents reading this advice is, �Oh, no! The fighting will get worse if I don�t stop them!� Perhaps it will. In the long term, which is usually a period of several weeks, the sibling rivalry will diminish significantly.

The bottom line is that parents cannot always be there for their children during confrontations. Children must learn to deal effectively with their differences independent of their parents.

Your children will learn essential social skills when they are forced to figure out how to negotiate their differences on their own. That is a priceless lesson that parents can only teach by stepping back.