Reflecting Versus Reacting

Imagine with me for a moment that you have just arrived home from a party.

“Honey, I’m so hungry, do we have anything good to eat?” you ask your spouse.

“Hungry!” Spouse exclaims, “How could you possibly be hungry; you ate tons of food at the party!”

Or, how about this scenario:

“Sweetheart,” you begin as you turn towards your spouse to express yourself, “I’m really very hot. Would you lower the thermostat please?”

“Hot!” Spouse practically shouts, “I’ll tell you what hot is- go outside in the sun, then you’ll feel hot! When you come back inside, you’ll realize that it’s very comfortable in here.”

—–

Well, how did you feel about that? Did you feel understood? Did you feel that your feelings had been taken into account in a meaningful way? Or, were you left wondering whether your emotions were actually real? Perhaps you were not actually hungry? Could it be that the heat was simply a figment of your imagination? Or, did you wonder whether your spouse could begin to understand you after all?

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Imagine traveling in the mini-van with your daughter. “I’m hungry!” she whines during a long stretch of the highway.

“You are not hungry, darling,” You respond to your daughter, “you just ate dinner.”

Daughter has two choices right now:

Choice #1: Believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, then that must be the fact. The rumbling in my belly must be my imagination. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel even further: My feelings may not be real. I’ve got to check with my parents to see if my feelings are truly accurate. I am not capable of trusting my own intuition and emotions.

Choice #2: Not believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, that means he/she does not know what he is talking about! My own feelings will guide me to knowledge of the truth. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel down a road that looks like this: My parent does not understand me at all. He/she has no idea who I am or what I am feeling.

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I recall speaking with two different friends recently on a day that I was suffering from stomach problems.

Friend A said to me, “Why don’t you try this pill or that pill?”

Friend B empathized with, “Oh, Ellen, it’s so hard to get anything done when your stomach is out of sorts… it’s as though the whole you is out of sorts, but your mind is working fine and you want to do things, you just feel like you’re weighed down.”

Obviously, Friend A meant well. However, it was Friend B who reflected my feelings that made me feel comforted.

—–

Like learning a new language, switching gears from reacting to your children’s expressions to the new method of reflecting their inner feelings, will take a bit of time. In the beginning, you may feel awkward with this manner of conversation, yet over time, it will become a natural and habitual way of response.

—–

When a child hears his emotions reflected back to him, he is able to accept, trust, and respect his own feelings. That is the essence of confidence. When a child has the ability to base ideas and decisions upon his thoughts and feelings, he is self-aware and possesses a healthy level of self-esteem.

Here is an example of reactionary as well as reflective parental behavior:

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Scene I- Reacting: Susie came home from school with a watercolor painting. “Wow, this is beautiful,” Mom gushed, “really spectacular; you’re a wonderful artist.”

A quick peak into Susie’s mind will yield this train of thought: “Am I really an artist? What about all those times that my paintings didn’t come out so nice? How do I know that I can keep on painting so well? What will Mom say if my next painting is not this pretty?”

Scene II- Reflecting: Susie came home from school with a watercolor painting. “I like the colors you chose,” Mom said. “The bright red and green make me feel like getting a juicy fruit for a snack right now.”

A quick peak into Susie’s mind will yield the following: “Wow, Mom really thinks my fruits look real, she even got hungry looking at my painting. I can actually paint an object and make it look appealing. Next time I’m going to try painting cookies. Or bread with jam. Or perhaps flowers.”

—–

P.S.  Reflecting rather than reacting is a learned skill. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is an invaluable, easy-to-read handbook to guide you along this wonderful journey.  Buy it now; your children and grandchildren will thank you!

 

Getting Through the Tough Times

So, you’ve spent an enjoyable afternoon on a pleasant trip with your son or daughter who is going through a challenging period. (See www.raisingsmallsouls.com/tough-times for more information about creating a pleasant outing during a stressful time.)

What else can you do now to strengthen the parent/child bond and help him/her overcome the present problems?

Each child is a unique universe unto him/herself, and every situation must be considered on an individual basis. With that in mind, view the following suggestions as you would look at a spread of food in a cafeteria: take what appeals to you and leave the rest behind for consideration at another time.

Here’s some food for thought for you to bring up with your child:

“How about if you write a composition entitled ‘What Bothers Me’?”

“Do any of your friends share this kind of problem?”

“Suppose someone in your situation asked you for advice, how would you advise them?”

“How can I communicate with you better?”

“Could you figure out how this problem arose?”

“If you had a magic wand, what would you do now?”

Just remember that it might be difficult to develop this kind of confidence building at this stage. It should have been started long ago, by doing some of the above. If a parent had always been very strict with a child and suddenly wants that child to feel as an equal, it will be almost impossible.

Communications should be developed early on, by having the child participate in wise decision making, guiding him in the right direction and pointing out the possible problems if his questionable decision were to be followed. A feeling of friendship, but not being a pal, is very basic. This rule could and should be applied to any successful teacher-student relationship.

7 Good Reasons to Get Your Child Involved in Sports

My friend Stacie runs a website about children and sports, and she was sweet enough to allow me to share this thought-provoking article with you.  Enjoy!

~Ellen

7 Good Reasons to Get Your Child Involved in Sports

Encourage a Healthy Lifestyle

Making exercise a part of your child’s life teaches your child the importance of fitness. This, along with proper nutrition, plays a vital role in maintaining health. Children need physical activity every day and participation in sports helps fill this need. With today’s wealth of video games and increasing computer literacy, daily physical activity is often times forgotten. Getting your child involved with sports helps them make exercise a part of their lifestyle and increases their chance of a being a healthier adult.

Promote Self Esteem
When a child realizes that they are getting better and better at their sport, they can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment. Choosing a sport your child can grow and improve in gives your child an opportunity to build self-esteem. Together, with positive reinforcement from you their parent, they will gain confidence and have a more positive view of themselves.

Learn Goal Setting
I’m sure you’ll agree goal setting and success go hand in hand. Participation in sports gives your child a fun, practical way to learn about goal setting. They’ll see, experience, and learn about how goal setting works. If your child’s coach doesn’t cover goal setting, that’s okay! You as a parent can sit down with your child and set goals. By assisting your child in developing this skill, you give them a better chance at succeeding in life.

Learn and Experience Teamwork
How often have you read a help wanted ad where the employer wants a “team player” or a candidate that “works well with others”? I see it all the time. How much more valuable are you as an employee when you can put differences aside and get the job done? Sports teach children about teamwork and about how their actions affect other people. If they can’t learn to work together with teammates while playing a sport they enjoy, how will they be able to work with co-workers they may or may not like while performing a job they may or may not enjoy? This is an important lesson to learn. Encourage your child to be a team player and, as a sports parent, keep tabs on whether or not your words and actions promote this trait in your child.

Develop Time Management Skills

Adding extracurricular activities to your child’s schedule encourages development of and time management and prioritization skills. Teach your child that taking care of responsibilities, such as school work and cleaning up after themselves, comes first. This gives them their first taste of prioritization. Next, help your child formulate a plan which enables them to efficiently handle their responsibilities while still leaving time for sports practices and competitions. For example, show your child how working on homework instead of playing outside during their after-school program helps them finish their homework in time for practice each day. Then go ahead and make that part of your plan.

Learn About Dealing with Adversity
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has problems. How well you handle these mistakes and problems directly affects happiness and quality of life. Many people “get in a slump” and can’t get out of it. Others continue making the same mistakes over and over again. In sports, we always try to minimize errors, but we’re human. Mistakes happen. Even professional athletes make bad choices and make bad plays, but it’s not the mistake that counts. What you do from that point forward carries much more significance. If your child learns how to deal with adversity, errors, and challenges in sports, chances are, they’ll be able to translate that skill to real life and effectively minimize mistakes and/or bad decisions as well as competently recover from set backs.

Have Fun!
Positive experiences play an essential role in raising a happy, healthy human being. Sports provide numerous opportunities for positive experiences both for your child as an individual, and for your family as a whole. “Sports parents” are blessed with the chance to watch their child have fun while learning and developing as an athlete and as a human being.

Written by Stacie Mahoe

Owner and Operator of www.AllAboutFastpitch.com

A Thought

My husband just shared this thought with me, and I found it hit home in my heart in a poignant manner, so allow me to share it with you.

When an archer takes hold of his bow and arrow, the closer that he is able to draw his arrow inward, the further and straighter the arrow will go.  By pulling the arrow closer to him, the archer is enabling it to effectively and successfully reach its destination afar.

We parents are also archers.

The closer we pull our child towards ourselves, in a wholesome and healthy manner, the farther we allow our child to ultimately soar.  It is paradoxically by being emotionally close to your child that we give him/her the ability to mature into an effective adult.

All of the bonding, time, effort, and energy you are spending with your child today will yield tremendous results in his/her future.

Draw your child close now, and watch that child soar!

Advice for the Tough Times

Lately I’ve been getting more requests for advice geared towards teenagers.

This article is most applicable to teens, yet can be tailored to any age child.

What do you do when really tough challenges arise with your child? What if your son is hanging out with a shady group of friends or your daughter is regularly skipping school?

Very likely, you will become engrossed in fixing the problem at hand and seeking solutions to straighten out your child. Oftentimes, during these stressful periods, parents become so focused on the current issues that- paradoxically- they neglect their actual relationship with their son or daughter.

It is precisely during the tough times that your bond with your child needs to be cultivated with additional nourishment.

So, while you are dealing with the inevitable pains that are bundled with the joys of raising children, remember to take the time for the two of you to nurture your personal relationship.

Take your son to a sports game, without any of his siblings. Go on a shopping trip with your daughter, without trying to do your errands simultaneously. During these outings, do not mention the tough stuff at all. Concentrate on having a good time in each others company without referring to any problems.

Relax, and enjoy yourselves. Do something unusual, spontaneous, or plain funny. Humor can alleviate stress better than anything else in the world.

Obviously, you will be spending time addressing the difficulties in the current situation, oftentimes with the aid of a professional- just don’t do it while you are on one of your trips together! Additionally, please make sure that your child has a responsible adult with whom he/she can confide; a friend’s parent, a guidance counselor, relative, etc.

Have a wonderful time- and remember to laugh! There’s a silver cloud lining behind every cloud- even this one!

There Ought To Be a Law!

Once upon a time in the future, when I form a utopian community
that benefits all types of children, I will enact the following law:

The fabulous book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish entitled “How
To Talk So Kids Will Listen, And Listen So Kids Will Talk” will be
required to be sold together with every pregnancy test in the
country!

The other gem of a book:  “Siblings Without Rivalry:  How To Help
Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too” will be bundled
with every pregnancy test for a second child.

(Perhaps I will allow the books to be returned with proof of a
negative pregnancy test, what do you think?)

I read these books years ago, it’s likely that you did as well, as
they were first published back in the ’80′s.  However, after
re-reading them this week, I have gleaned so much additional
practical wisdom that I sincerely feel they should be compulsory
reading for every parent!

If funds are tight, go to your local library; however I strongly
suggest that you buy these incredible books so that you can refer
back to them often.  Your children and grandchildren will thank
you, and you will feel your confidence as a parent soar!

So, go to your local bookstore and pick up a copy for your family’s
benefit ASAP!

If you are like me and appreciate a bargain, search Ebay- I love
buying valuable books for prices like 99 cents!

Here’s a link to all of Adele Faber’s books on Ebay:
www.raisingsmallsouls.com/how-to-talk.html  (I’ve redirected the
link to my site to avoid the long URL breaking up.)

If you have not yet experienced the bargain-hunting thrill of
shopping on Ebay, here is a link to register for free:
www.raisingsmallsouls.com/register.html

I just purchased “Liberated Parents, Liberated Children” also by
Faber and Mazlish on Ebay for 99 cents, and I’m excited to receive
it in the mail!  Teachers will also appreciate “How To Talk So Kids
Can Learn”.

Also, look out for more exciting features coming to RaisingSmallSouls.com
very soon; I will be adding an interactive Parenting Book Club
shortly!

Low-Frustration-Tolerance & Stress-Relief

If you’re anything at all like me, you often read about parenting techniques… you even take the time and energy to think about exactly how you’d like to implement them with your family… and then- boom!- something sets you off and you forget all about the wisdom you have recently read.

In the heat of the moment, it is quite challenging to recall wise ideas when your child is in the process of destroying the house you’ve just cleaned, literally or figuratively!

Even if you are an exceptionally calm person right now, learning to lower your frustration tolerance will yield positive and lasting results for your family.

When you increase your ability to handle the ‘little stuff’ that life inevitably throws onto your lap, you will simultaneously be better equipped to handle the ‘big stuff’ – those giant curveballs of life that nobody can avoid!

A thought that helps me get through the challenging days is, “Raising children is not meant to be two decades of peaceful serenity… what’s going on is totally normal!”

What thoughts do you conjure up to bring you calmness during the heat of the moment? Please share them below!

I was recently speaking with my friend Sarah Zeldman, and kind soul that she is- Sarah is allowing you to download her ‘Stress-Relief-Kit-for-Moms’ at no charge! www.solutionsforbusymoms.com/free-stress-relief-kit/ . It’s an awesome way to recharge yourself, put things in perspective, and better nurture yourself so that you can be a more effective nurturer of your children!

Speaking of which, how many of us parents are truly taking the time and energy to nurture our own souls?

Is it possible for happy, confident, and emotionally healthy children to be raised by harried and tense parents?

What do you do to fill your personal ‘emotional bank account’ so that you are not running on empty when it’s time for you to focus on making deposits into your child’s ‘emotional bank account’?

Are you neglecting your personal spiritual, creative, emotional, or social needs because you are so busy with your family? Do yourself a favor and schedule some time here and there for you to recharge! After all, you’re wonderful, however you aren’t Energizer Bunny!

Although not quite the same as chatting with old friends, joining an Internet group of like-minded parents can be a wonderful and relaxing diversion. My friend Alice Seba runs a complementary and very friendly message board specifically for moms here: www.momstalkforum.com.

Depending upon how you were raised, the concept of a parent taking time for him/ herself to relax, unwind, and recharge without the children may seem a bit selfish. Rest assured that the better you take care of yourself, the more effectively a caregiver you will be for your children.

Sometimes, life has a way of keeping us so busy, and everyone else’s needs come first. Schedule time in your calendar to go to a bookstore, get a massage, meet a friend for lunch- whatever speaks to you- and watch a new sense of tranquility manifest itself in your home!