A typical day… is pretty sad
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication
I once read an account of the typical conversations that occur between parent and child in the course of an average day.
If a recording were to be made of the interaction between a parent and their child, it would look something like this:
“Take your feet off the couch.”
“Food belongs in the kitchen.”
“Get your shoes on already.”
“Be careful with the milk.”
“Hurry up!”
“Don’t yell.”
“Let me pour the milk for you.”
“We’re late, hurry!”
“Food belongs in the kitchen.”
“Oh! Look at the mess you made!”
“Here’s a towel, clean it up.”
“What do you mean, you can’t find your shoes?”
“Did you brush your teeth?”
“Where was the other shoe?”
“Finish up, we’ve gotta go!”
“Talk to your sister nicely.”
“Get your coat on.”
“I SAID DON’T YELL!”
What can I say? Way too sad for any comments.
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This is my first time to respond. I have been trying to keep things as positive as possible in our home. There are still times I crack and fly off the handle but they are getting fewer. The scenario is similar to what it sounds like in our home too. But ever since I’ve been trying to practice some of the advice from the free FlyLady.net e-mailings it has been much more peaceful. I to homeschool but still find it hard to get my son up in the AM. I know its because I let him stay up too late. Thank you to all who have posted saying we have to get our rest. I often would go to bed before my son! Dah he needs his rest too. Thank you to Ellen for facilitating this place for us to talk about issues. This is great “adult” time for me and better yet I don’t have to go anywhere to get it!;o)
Last year my son (4) started waking up grumpy, so we added a request to our bedtime prayers to sleep through the night & wake up cheerful – not a grumpy morning since, but hugs and kisses all around.
I noticed I spoke too many negative comments to him about a month ago and have been working on changing that. We have a much more cheerful house now. When things get rushed is when the negativity starts, so I lay out clothes the night before if we are going some where, require toys to be picked up before meal time so the house isn’t in shambles by the end of the day AND – big AND – I am learning to laugh with him. I read that children laugh an average of 400 times a day and adults almost nill. Laughter boosts the immune system. So, when I hear him laughing I am reminded to laugh, too. It was hard at first – seemed so odd, but it’s becoming easier and I feel the joy more throughout the day – who can be negative in a joyful household?
I am really trying to be more positive in how I speak to my children, their father was always so down on them. Home schooling does give you the freedom from having to rush around some of the time but yes there are times when you need the teenagers to go to bed so they can be up for their activities in the morning. Finding this hard at the moment as my teenagers seem to be going through a quite normal teenage adjustment to my new partner, but will keep trying, there is definitely more laughter in the house since their father left.
Thanks for writing this. It reminds us all how important our choice of words are when in comes to not only our children but everyone we come into contact.
If we are not speaking directly to them, they are always listening and observing. This is evident when you hear them speaking to their friends or playing with their toys.
I take a pause and remember you can always get the same message across using more positive language. I’m practicing. It takes more time and patience (something we definately don’t have enough of), but it makes me feel better to know I am modeling positive language skills for my son.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! this came just when i needed it! I had a very rough afternoon with the little ones yesterday. (mornings at our house are hectic, but it’s the afternoons that need work.)It’s good to see that as much as we need to work on our little interactions with the kids i’m not the only one struggling to keep my cool.i found it empowering to see that i’m in good company!
I can not tell you how much the “Family” poem moved me. That is about me.
I will print it out and review it daily. It really hit home.
Thank you.
thank you for the reality check! mornings are hard but i can try harder!
Am I the only person with easy mornings? My kids come bouncing into my room and wake me an hour and a half before we have to go so I just tell them to go get dressed from hats to shoes and if they can be ready before 8, they can watch tv up until 8. Then I leisurely get myself up and dressed, make their breakfasts and at 8 I tell them to come downstairs and eat. They are certainly ready for their carpool by 8:45. My kids are 1, 3 and 4. Should i expect it to get harder? I am nervous about school next year which starts at 8:20 so we will have to be ready an hour earlier. My plan is to do bedtime earlier and to get them a light in their room that slowly turns on in the morning so it is fully bright by 6:30. I think this will help get them up.
I’ll just add that I am not picky about what they decide to wear. My son has worn his shirt backwards on a few occasions and my other son sometimes picks out clothes that are a little to big for him. If they are wearing something really outrageous I can usually get them to change, but i try to not nag them about things like that. Same with breakfast. If they are running late, I’ll just bag some cereal for them and give them a cup of milk for the car rather than yelling at them.
Don’t assume I have it all under control though. I have mornings down pat, but bedtime is a WHOLE other story. we are working on that.
I have homeschooled now for 7 years and avoid the type of rushed lifestyle that happens sometimes in the lives of families. I feel very lucky to have the chance to create a lifestyle that promotes more of a restful pace for our family. When other people marvel about me doing what I do, I often think that I could never rush around the way others do. To me it’s much easier to wake up when we are ready and start working by walking downstairs to our schoolroom and doing our work together, having luch together and then carrying on with out day. There are moments that get rushy when we have to be somewhere, so I can learn from this article and be reminded. I like growing up with my children though and being more in control of how we live our lives. I feel blessed!
c.l.
All I have to say is yes. You must be the only one with easy mornings. That, and the fact that your children are still very young. I also have 3 – 3, 5 and 7 respectively. As children get older it does get a little harder to get them out the door. Especially if you have to go to work yourself. We do have our ups and downs in the morning but I do find that talking about it on the way to school really helps. Lets face it, we’re all human. Adults do make mistakes. And, I ALWAYS explain that to my children. I don’t want my children to think that life is always rosie. COMMUNICATING what happened in the morning and talking about how to make it better next time works for us.
TM
C.L. No, you’re not the only one…my mornings were wonderful for years…my son is 9 now and I’ve only just started struggling the last year or two. When he was younger, I used to tell him that morning was my favorite time of day. The second was when I would pick him up from daycare and see him after so many hours apart, and then the third was bedtime because of our talks and prayer time. The reason morning was so great is because I told my son it was. We had similar “games”. He was told what I wanted to happen, and what the rewards were if we didn’t get ready in time. I used to kneel by his bed, and whisper softly to him to wake him slowly because he is not a morning person. I would wake him up the same way I would help him fall asleep, but having my breath on the crown of his head (used to soothe him as an infant), and softly singing our favorite songs that I learned at summer camp as a child. He would wake up with a big smile. I would tell him good morning and how happy I was to see him. We would ask each other about our dreams and spend 10-15 minutes talking before he even got out of bed. Those mornings were great! He would bring me my shoes while he got his. I would help pack his bag. He would help me find the keys. I am trying to get back to that now. I don’t know if it is his age now, or just that there is more stress in my day and he is picking up on it. This morning…he wasn’t ready in time, so I brought him to my work (everyone is on vacation). He usually goes to the YMCA SACC program during the summer and gets to swim and play all day. So tomorrow, I will see him up early. I need to get back to what we used to do though. I think the biggest obstacle is that I can’t seem to wake up myself anymore since my last surgery. I have been late to work chronically and am exhausted all day. I am having a hard time overcoming it. So today I was 45 minutes behind schedule and was forced to bring my son to work…you couldn’t have timed this posting better for me. Especially with it being a Friday. I think I will sit down with my son this weekend with a big sheet of posterboard where we can make a chart of our morning duties and time periods and depending on how we do…we will have certain rewards or consequences. As a team. There was one morning that I was the one late, not him, but he still had to come to my work because of it. It gave him incentive to start helping me in the morning too when I needed it, like I do for him. I’ll let everyone know how the posterboard works. We make pie charts and bar graphs…we used to do this for our chores around the house and it worked great for that. I like the ready by 8 – watch t.v. until 8. Maybe I will try that for the wakeup time. If we don’t wake up by a certain time and both look at the clock together in the living room and verify it…then we can’t stay up to watch t.v. past a certain time. I bet that would help both of us. Thanks for the posts everyone…you got me thinking and planning. I was getting so used to the rough mornings, that I was becoming numb to them. I felt really, really guilty after reading the initial post and then the Family one. Thanks everyone! I love this site.
I recognize that scenario all too well! That is why this summer I made a conscious effort to spend that quality time with my son. He is in a 12 month program and I decided to keep him home. I also decided to only work one day a week and to take him with me to work. The rest of our time is spent doing summer activities like swimming and movies, andl also going to see sites in the city. I did this with my students when I taught in the classroom and am now extending that special time to my son. Although we will be back to the rush routine come September, I think this summer time we spent together will have a long lasting impression on him, and spirit me to put aside similar time during the school year.
Hmmm. I do agree that the more positive our interaction is with our little ones, the better. But why are we all saying we do these types of comments? Well, our modern culture has us in a mega rush. We all have tons of stress. It is wonderful to be mind-full of our words and what we say to our children and to watch the collective comments and have them weigh in on the positive side, but I think it’s also important not to heap one more super mom standard on to stressed parents backs. I homeschool too and find myself saying those comments in the list when we are going out the door. Being in a hurry is stressful. So..without trying to be a “Stepford Wife” or too pollyanna about this, I watch the comments I make, notice the positive as much as possible, and explain the many “oops!” I make along the way. But the list doesn’t look so unexplainable or “too sad for comments” when you put them in the context of having to get places at a certain time or having to be a whirling-dervish-octopus person taking care of umpteen things at once. How many of us can be positive all the time when we are in rushing servant mode? One example I can think of is the kids are in the bath, the dog has to go to the bathroom, one of the kids not in the bath has a poopy potty training accident and then sits on the dog’s head while the unfinished dinner sits on the stove? Sometimes it helps me to monitor my thoughts and then attempt to do better next time without feeling a huge whallop of guilt. (the flower story is sweet, reminds of us a child’s perspective, but…wow!…that kind of stuff could really lasoo a person into a “you’re naughty” corner real quickly. So many of us are just juggling and juggling! Hooray to watching what we say but realizing we are human and this parenting business can be tough stuff!
Our mornings are pretty hectic, and too often I catch myself yelling at someone to hurry, because I don’t want to be late to work. What I would not give to stay home and homeschool.
Thank you for reminding me how important my family is.Sometime’s (I)do treat strangers better then my own family.Thank you for the eye opener.
Our mornings are full of hugs, meditation and patients, my son is 4 going on 19 with ASD( limited speech) and luvs the world so much and understands me more then I understand myself. I try not to nag or say much in the morning, knowing it may take a few days for him to process what I’m saying (due to ASD)
This morning while driving him to playskool I grabbed his hand and he gave it a squeeze back with dearing eyes letting me know its gonna be alright. I have to believe him, since he is my sunshine and keeps me bright every day.
after reading the poem FAMILY it really moved me and made me realize how much nicer we sometimes are to strangers but our own loved ones we can be so mean and rude. We take for granted their forgiveness. Our small children do not understand our stress, but we parents need to know how our words affect them. i printed out the pome and will read it when i’m feeling stressed! I also find the morning time very rushed and need to slow down. Thank you for the poem and AM eye opener!!
Wow….
I have a 8 year old and almost 5 year old twins.
This is the 1st year (just last week) that they’re all 3 in public school, All Day Long!
I have homeschooled, as well as private school,
and now public school. It’s a great school,
with a large population of Christians in leadership, so we are blessed. We live across the street, so no long commute either. But I must admit, I have moments where I miss the BABIES especially, and am trying to cherish these moments, ‘cuz I’ll never get them back.
Re: homeschooling, whatever works for your family, don’t be condemned, it’s not for everyone! We’ve vowed to make weekends jam packed full of lots of quality AND quantity time,
as well as keeping our evening commitments to
a very minimum, so we can pour into our kids,
talk about their day, etc.
They are amazing gifts to us from Heaven, may we all ask God to continually remind us of that,
and cherish and nurture them. I’ve found the best way that I can pour into other peoples lives, (family included) is to allow God to pour into me, and give me Grace For The Pace.
Blessings to all you mom’s, you’re one of their heroes!
Tam
Kudoos Tammy!
You’re right about not feeling condemned about not being a homeschooling family. It’s not something that God calls everyone to do.
We started homeshooling last year after sevral years in public school. i didn’t get into the hustle and bustle of the morning routine, nor did I like the rush in the door in the afternoon with 50 questions being thrown at me including bookbags full of look at this and look at that and my teacher needs you to sign this and we need money for this….blah blah! It was nuts!
However homeschooling does present it’s own set of challenges, take for instance the fact that your children are ALWAYS home. Now that takes some getting used to when you’ve had them gone during the day before. Not to mention when you are juggling teaching 3 different grade levels at once and handlling 2 other small children in the mix.
We still run a tight morning schedule just not one that causes us to fall apart when something goes wrong.
I have realized by reading this that I am a nagger! I have also reflected on things in my behavior that I believe are a cause of my children’s behavior. I nag and nag, but what am I doing to encourage them to just do what is expecting? Am I encouraging or even noticing when they are doing well? How do I handle my responsibilities? Am I diligent? Am I complacent? Do I stay on task? Do i handle problems with patience and self-control, or do I “fly off the handle?” Our children do better when we as parents show them what’s important and live out what we are expecting of them in our own lives. The old saying “Do as I say, Don’t do as I do” just doesn’t get it folks!
Thanks for the mirror image by the article! The reflection was uncanny!
Amy
I had more of those mornings before I started using real consequences with my nine year old son. I started waking him up earlier! Now the deal is that if he wants to sleep later, he has to stay focused on getting ready in the monings. If he drags his feet, then I wake him up earlier the next morning. But this only works if A) the child is old enough to understand it, and B) if the parent is consistent in the implementation. Things will change and verbal direction becomes less necessary.
My mornings are pretty hectic when we all have to get out by a certain hour, that is why I enjoy summer vacation so much! Getting up when we want, a lot less nagging, kids keeping themselves busy while mom stays in bed. Now I have three six year olds to get ready for first grade and a toddler to get to preschool, things are very hectic around the house in the mornings. What helps me is that I get up earlier so that I am all ready to go before I start with the kids, then the mornings go much smoother.If I get up late then all goes loose and it ruins the morning. I also get the kids to bed sleeping by 7:30 pm so they all get up on time on their own in the mornings. We try are best, it doesn’t always work, good luck to you all!
School starts tomorrow for my Kindergartener, so this was very timely.
We’ll be setting things out tonight, and getting lunch almost all packed.
My little one has a mood disorder, which makes the simplest tasks often break down into tears (not always hers) defiance, and yelling (not always me) so a reminder of what NOT to do is welcomed.
I am very routine driven, so our mornings usually go smoothly. I have all the kids clothes laying out and bookbags packed and by the door. I get up before the kids do and get myself ready before trying to get the kids up. My afternoons however are a different story. Trying to get the kids to and from their various activities after working all day and getting them a decent meal, doing homework, and getting baths…that is when I feel like I am nagging. I can hear myself doing it, but I sometimes keep on. I do try to spend a few minutes cuddleing with the children and talking to them or reading to them once they are all ready for bed.
Our mornings are sometimes hectic because of unexpected phone calls, etc. but generally if we stick to the same routine my toddler does really well and is able to get ready fairly quickly. I just have to discipline myself to make sure he has at least 15 minutes to get ready.
Also, I’ve found that giving 5 minute warnings before changing any activity helps it go smoother, including getting dressed, and the positive comments during that rushed time make my toddler more proud of himself and he is more ready the next day to show what a good job he can do getting ready again.
well i think it depends what kind of tone voice you’re using, (almost) all the things that were written there are comments that we say & i think its ok if we say it nicely & add a please & thank you & show the kids that they’re people (!) who deserve to be well treated!!!
I say those things all the time . Is there a more positive way of saying things?
kind of tough to be sweet all the time
Tammy,
I am new to this site and I just read what you said about homeschooling. I homeschooled my 8 year old dd last year and was planning to homeschool this year also. But she decided that she really missed going to school. I enrolled her in public school and this is her 4th week back. Even though she is thriving, I have felt very guilty about whether or not I did the right thing. I loved homeschooling her but it just wasn’t right for her. Thanks for making me feel better! Also, I am definitely going to try to think before I say things to my dd when I am feeling stressed. I love her more than anything in this world but find myself annoyed with her at times because I am stressed out.
Well, this was an eye opener. I spend so much time in the guilt realm that I don’t even stop to figure out how to remedy such things as topicd like this article . I am also in that article… almost to a “t”. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will try to be mindful of what I am doing. Although My childhood was not a happy one because of divorce , infidelity and violence ( all on dads part
)I look back now and realize in many ways how patient and kind my mother was to me at times…… I think I need to remind her of those times. I need to step back and let my children be children. Thank you again.
Sound like you have been in my house every morning, however, it is only one of my children that is the slacker the other is completely organized…… I raised them the same how odd they are so different…… guess thats why there isn’t molds to make children right? Thanks for the wake up call…. I will try more praise and less nagging…. Denise Williams Monroe, NJ
Sounds like a typical morning in our household. I have created charts for the kids morning routines to try avoiding this. My kids are 11 and 14 and the charts seem to help. I even have a chart. This seems to erase some of a craziness of the mornings which leads to better interaction between all of us. Now to get my husband started on a morning list. HMMMMMM……
yes my kids have lots of problems in the morning and it is so hard because i am and 80 year old woman with 3 kids….one 7 one nine and one 32 and the 32 year old still lives with me and she is a school teacher and i stilll have to make her breakfast in the morning can yuou believe that, i can’t i hope you all grow up to be great parents (unlike me)
sincerely
TJ
MORNING IS A VERY TRYING TIME. I HAVE TRIED VERY HARD AND MUST SAY HAVE FOR THE MOST PART ACCOMPLISHED TO HAVE A CALM MORNING. I GET UP EARLY SO THAT I AM READY AND CALM . THEN I WAKE THE KIDS WITH AMPLE TIME. I HAVE FOUND THAT WHEN I WAS NOT FULLY PREPARED OR READY IT DOMINOED DOWN TO THE KIDS. WE , PARENTS, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MOST OF THE CHAOS ,AND I DO NOT SAY ALL BUT MOST. BE ORGANIZED AND PREPARE CLOTHING THE NIGHT BEFORE . KNOW IN YOUR MIND WHAT YOU WILL SERVE FOR BREAKFAST. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, LIKE I SAID BEFORE “MOTHER SHOULD BE FULLY READY BEFORE WAKING THE KIDS”. TRY IT. IT’S NOT EASY BUT IT WORKS. MOTHERS CANNOT AFFORD TO BE LAZY.
Reading this makes me sad becuase it’s so true.