http://www.troubledteens.net/Problems-in-Teens/Teens-ODD-Disorder.html

Today I am a very successful adult and I am DIFFERENT but not disordered. We must never use such language with children, and we must take it out of the medical language.

Hash-m has an order to everything, this is a NEW ORDER, it is MY ORDER, but Disorder, means broken or not functional. NOT FAIR to the kids.

Tell your story, inspire a kid, give them hope. send it to

NOTDISORDERED@AOL.com (leave out your name.)

I am collecting stories to encourage kids who feel helpless.

Regarding your comment of having struggling teenagers work at a farm, trade school or a labor job, I agree 100%.

My daughter was kicked out of school due to behavior problems secondary to ADHD, LD, reading problems and being bipolar.
Since she has not been going to school but got a chance to paint houses she has become more obedient. I will do my best to have her learn a trade such as a craft she could sell.

*ALL parenting techniques being taught today explain why yelling at our kids won’t work. “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy” by Michael Bradley is a great book and he’ll humorously hammer into your head why yelling or ranting at teens is not a good idea. Our teens are in a period when their brains are still developing the use of logic. Sometimes when they argue, it’s not a fight they’re looking for, just looking to explore their new found strengths. I wish I had more time to write but I’ll just tell you that one line I used when my son starts to argue or tries to “get my goat” is to say, “You see, you’re so smart and THAT is why I think you would be excellent in law!!!” (Changed slightly so it makes sense to people outside our family.) Bradley says that our golden moment as a parent is not when you’re celebrating, but rather when you maintain your cool in a hot situation. This takes effort, we will fall–all parents do–and then we can get up again and do better next time. Stay cool mom and dad. I agree with the person that posted about Love and Logic–they have a lot of great tools you can use with your teen.

*Do not underestimate the power of enough water, protein, and good vitamins, exercise too.

*I believe in empowering teens. They are in a position to make life choices that can change their whole future. We need to remind them of that in an empowering way. They are at an age of choice. When we acknowledge the position of life they are in, that we support them in making wise choices for themselves, they will rise. Let them know that you cannot protect them from all negative consequences and that you hope they will choose wisely.

*Consider an “out of the box” solution. Home schooling was a brilliant solution in our home for some years. My kids were not compared to anyone else. We spent lots of time outside where they could move about in a large way.

*Our kids are not the only ones that are growing here, we need to grow as parents and when we change what is NOT working, they will reflect it in their behaviors.

*What we are doing as parents is the hardest work ever. Take time to take care of yourself, nurture yourself (drink enough water and take supplements too–I have found “Sam-e” to be very helpful).

*Use forgiveness liberally, forgive your child, forgive yourself.

*Do not underestimate the power of prayer. You don’t have to be in anything organized to have a personal relationship with the Creator to cry out and ask for help, guidance, and miracles. I’ve learned that a parent’s prayerful tears are very potent.

*You are not alone in your struggles. Other parents have grown through these challenges with their kids as well. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Really!

*Kids spell love t-i-m-e. If you can, find something to do or somewhere to go together that will give you and your teen positive time together. Spend a LOT of time LISTENING. When a kid has a problem, ask them what they think they should do about it. Empower your teen.

Hang in there, moms and dads!!!

My Dad is my hero and times have definitely changed. Back then we expected kids to grow out of it, just needed a good belt whipping, or were left on their own to fail or succeed. We, his kids and grandkids, all have symptoms of ADHD/ADD, but my Dad allows us to think outside the box. It takes a lot of courage as a parent to tackle any disability. What has changed in our school system is the repetition of learning, time outside for creative play and sunshine, and the need to keep students going forward despite a difficulty in mastering material. The school’s are more knowledgeable about LD and are more appropriate in dealing with them overall.

How do we compensate? Our kids NEED extracurricular activities, repetition for academic success (there are teacher’s stores, free online worksheets, and learning centers dedicated to this), and lots of encouragement and positive support. My daughter is 4 and we do ‘homework’ everyday for writing and counting in preparation for school. We do gymnastics and ballet for her love of gross motor activities, and we praise her for all the gifts she brings to our family as the unique person she is. It is a double gift, not a single curse. I have one child that does the amount of two…lucky me….most of the time.

This does not mean I did not freak yesterday when impulsively she stabbed my hand with a pencil, but after I calmed down we did talk about it and our primary rule is to respect one another. Man, have things changed…my parents would not have thought twice about spanking and sending me to my room, but that does not teach anything. I think in many ways we are much more knowledgeable and can offer much more support to our children.

Debbie

Have you noticed that every single comment (Except for the amazing Carol) has been about boys?

I really think our modern society isn’t structured for boys. There are just too many of them unhappy, angry and “failing”. It can’t be a case of the boys failing to fit in and perform – it has to be that our schools, our society and expectations fail to meet the needs of our boys. Boys need men as strong mentors, and not just their fathers.

My father (he’s in his 70′s now) left school when he as 14 and started work with his dad. He did seasonal farm work, hauled timber, fixed machinery and built houses. It was a pretty common thing where he grew up. Times were tough – a bit like they are now- and his family relied on his income.

He’s always been what we fondly call “busy”. He works every day and always has. When he has a holiday and comes to visit I always make up a list of little jobs around the house that need doing, like fixing door handles, changing washers in the taps, that type of thing. While he works we talk. He’s relaxed and comfortable. If he has a day where there are no jobs to do, no sightseeing, just sitting around, then the conversation is difficult. He jiggles around, nags and starts arguments. He’s really happiest when he’s busy.

I wonder if he’d been born in the past decade how he would have fared? He certainly would have failed school – and yet he’s very bright. He struggles with writing, but he can go to a Wood Working Fair armed with a set of callipers and a notebook, take measurements of the machine he fancies then go home and build a replica for himself. He can build a house, but if you asked him about the maths involved in the angles of the timber, he’d be stuck.

Surely boys (and men) haven’t changed so much physiologically in the past 60 or 70 years that it’s caused this epidemic of hyperactive kids. Aren’t they just the same as they always have been? If it’s not the boys then it has to be the environment that’s changed.

I believe all the comments on good diet and exercise are spot on. I wonder if another consideration may be to take boys (who are struggling) out of the normal school system and put them in a trade school instead, or send them to work on a property as a Jackeroo (that would be send them to work on a farm as a farmhand?), or get them an apprenticeship. Something where they are immersed in the world of men and hard work. Where they get to build up their self confidence through using their minds and hands to fix machinery, build things and be outside.

I’m probably over simplifying things, and I apologise if I’ve offended anyone. I know it will take more than a group of men with spanners to solve this, but I also know that drugging kids so they can sit still inside flouro lit boxes listening to teachers drone on and on for years on end, just can’ be the answer.

As puberty approached and his behavior became more and more abusive at home, especially against me, his mother, we knew that he and we had to find help ASAP. His taunting, verbal abuse and ability to cut to the quick have more than broken my heart. We never see any homework done at home and he refuses our help. His grades range from A’s to D’s and F’s. We are fortunate to have teachers who care. We recently caught him using my debit card and stealing $300 from my bank account. Today his father and I and he will be writing a contract for his “work/release” program here at the house.

Like many of you, we have felt like we are miserable parents, losing our temper after hours of being patient. In the last year we went back to counseling and have also be under the watchful care of a psycho-pharmacologist who diagnosed him as off the charts as far as ADHD. He has started on Stratterra which seems to help some of the impulsivity and temper control. He seems to be able to put on the brakes a little better.

I will definitely look into the Omega 3 and am currently pursuing testing for LD’s. I can’t wait to find the book The Wildest Colts Make the Best Horses. If I thought homeschooling would be the way to go for him, I would definitely give it a whirl.

Thank you to all of you for opening your hearts and souls to share your experiences. From them, we all can learn and maybe find a way to help our “wild colts.”

Bless you all.
Debbie

What is very very important is that you also limit the amount of Omega 6 oils they eat. We should be taking in a ration of 1:1 of Omega 6 to Omega 3 oils. If your son eats a lot of chips, pizza, fried foods, etc… then imagine how much fish oil he will need to eat to balance that out! Instead, provide food alternatives that have less Omega 6 in them. You can look up Omega 6 online to get a list of what has it.

My son will take more fish oil if he has been eating poorly and tries to keep it balanced. I have stopped buying most junk foods and try to keep fruit on the table. It is a joint effort but well worth it. If you research the benefits of Omega 3- You will find out it is something we all should be eating a lot of!

My main concern these days are in regards to my older son. Even though he exhibited some ADHD characteristics, always did quite well in school. Thanks to baseball he excelled in extra-curricular activities and this helped him burn up energy as well. Since Graduation though he has taken a spiral slope downward, and I fear he is now suffering from major depression, and he can’t see he needs help. He has tried college, and failed out his first term- in part due to too many difficult courses to start. After college didn’t work, he has tried many jobs~(I would bet about a dozen in the last year and a half), and he is unable to keep them. He is a very decent young man and has talent and ability, just no drive or ambition to move forward.

He had moved out and was living on his own and able to pay rent for about a year, but recieved a call from his landlord who was concerned so we just moved him back home a couple weeks ago to help him get back on track. He sleeps about 18 hours a day and when he is awake he is very edgy and angry for no apparent reason. We just want him to get a job and/or go back to school. What can we do to help. I have asked him to go see a Dr. to get help. He says he doesn’t need it..

I too, had a son who was very much as you describe. It was a horrible period of time for the family ( 2 other children) and my marriage. It is not easy but don’t give up. He needs the rules and counseling would help but only someone skilled with this type of problem. I can tell you it did get better but very slowly in small steps. He is now 20 and in college. We finally had to leave up to him and divine intervention. Good luck. You are not a failure.