Are You Spoiling Your Kid?
From the very first infant feeding to college tuition, parents are constantly giving to their children.
Some parents give more, and others less; yet we all wonder at some point, “Am I spoiling my daughter?” or, “Is buying this item for my son truly a good idea?”
Is there a guide or checklist that can inform parents when they are giving to their children in a healthy manner versus overindulging them? How can we know whether we are spoiling our children?
Let’s examine a child’s developmental stages:
When a small soul is born, the baby’s fist is clenched- a symbol of his position in humanity as a ‘taker”. As he grows, we hope that he will learn to open up his palm and become a “giver” with an outstretched hand.
For the first few months of his life, a baby is only capable of seeing the world through his very own point of reference. At approximately eight months of age, the baby learns the concept of “object transience” – the idea that objects exist even if he is unable to see them. At this stage the baby realizes that his parents or primary caretakers are separate from himself; this is the age where stranger-anxiety occurs, and his newfound discovery make the game of “peek-a-boo” so much fun!
In a healthy setting, as the baby becomes a toddler, he learns to interact with others and discovers that his actions can affect other people’s reactions. He will learn age-appropriate social skills and delight in giving back to his parents; with a smile, sharing a blanket, or a Lego project. A child in a state of fulfillment will generally develop normally.
In an unhealthy setting, where a baby’s emotional and/or physical needs are not sufficiently met, a toddler’s interaction with other people will constantly be an attempt to manipulate them to fulfill his needs. This child is typically left with a TV as a babysitter for long periods of time and develops poor social skills when he begins to associate with his peers.
Paradoxically, it is the giving and nurturing of a child which allows his to become a giving and nice person.
We all know narcissistic adults who are only capable of seeing the world through their own selfish viewpoint. These are the people that get insulted easily, manipulate others to do their wishes- often using guilt-trips, and ‘kiss-up’ to those that are on a higher socio-economic level than themselves.
In essence, narcissistic adults are unknowingly trying to get the love, attention, and nurturing that they lacked in their childhood.
Now, what does all this have to do with whether I should buy my teenage daughter a new Jaguar or not?
There are only two types of spoiling:
1) Alternating between not giving a child enough and then giving much too much.
Example: A jet-setting father who spends more time overseas than at home will purchase expensive gifts to compensate for the lack of attention he gives his child.
2) Giving to a child because of your insecurity and need for the child to depend upon you.
Example: An unconfident mother will buy her newlywed daughter a home and furnishings so that she maintains a feeling of usefulness, not because of heartfelt generosity.
There is no direction booklet which states “the appropriate framework of gift-giving to children without crossing the border of spoiling is giving the amount of the square-root of their age multiplied by the median income in a five-mile radius of your home each calendar month.”
Ironically, the way to inoculate your children from being needy, narcissist adults is by giving to them in a consistent and age-appropriate manner.
If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.
Even though you walked to school five miles, and it was uphill both ways, and it took you a year to save enough for a beat-up bicycle- if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.
If you live in a neighborhood or school district where children are given extravagant things, you may want to rethink your place of living as your children get older and begin to understand “keeping up with the Jones”.
By far, the most essential gift you can give your child is love, which children spell T-I-M-E!
Anyone have ideas on how to get grandparents and other relatives to stop giving toys?
Rebecca,
I just got back from my nephew’s birthday. And his grandparents sponsered him an animal from the WWF. My nephew received a stuffed version of the tiger he has “adopted” as well as a certificate, so that he actually had something to open-but as a caring child he was very excited to be helping something in the world. Truly he was more excited about that gift (they also included a book on endangered animals) than he was on the gift we got him-which was what he had asked for!
I have been to a few parties lately where donations to favourite charities were made instead of gifts. And it actually is really easy to go this route because almost all the schools are now doing recylce themes or teaching the children that they are part of a larger global community. First talk it over with your kids to get them on board-which is easy, and then elicit their help in the relatives department.
I do not agree with the statement “If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.”
I have four children who are great kids even though we do not keep up with the Jones. My oldest two do not have ipods, laptops, etc. just because their friends do. It’s not always in our budget and they have lived just fine without them. My eighteen year didn’t get a car until she was 17 even though all her friends got one at 16… it wasn’t in my budget at the time.
I also have two younger children that are 8 and 7 years old – my 8 year old saved his money from his birthday to purchase a Nintendo DS. I can promise you that he takes better care of it because he spent his $150 not mine.
As a parent my job is NOT to give my child everything his friends have!!!!!!!!!!
For the record, my oldest will graduate 6th in her class in June. She’s been accepted at the best college in NC and has a full scholarship because she had to work for what she wanted.
It’s up to us to set morales and values and uphold those. My children are well adjusted, would rather be outside than play inside with a playstation. They volunteer and donate the toys they no longer play with to other less fortunate children.
Our children need US not more toys!
My daughter is 10 years old and according to her “all the kids have cell phones mom” I just don’t see that as a reason to purchase one for her and she is not able at 10 to earn money. I tell her she will get one when me and her father feel she needs one period. She also has begged me to get her a pair of heelies skate shoes. I feel they are dangerous and frankly I don’t care if every child on the face of the earth had a pair I refuse to allow them.
I am the mother of 5, I can’t afford nor do I feel it is healthy to indulge my children just because other parents are. Plus there are many products that I don’t agree with for reasons other then price. I don’t want to raise materialistic children and feel no need to keep up with the Jones’s.
There are children coming to school with cups of coffee should I send my child in with the same just so she isn’t God forbid considered “different”? I say no.
I want my children to learn that they don’t need to be like everyone else. That being their own person, following their intuitions, style and dreams is not only acceptable but natural and beautiful. When I purchase items for my children it is because I want to, we can afford it and I feel they are ready for it not because all the cool kids are doing it.
What happened to the thought that if all your friends were to jump off a bridge would you?
From day one I have taught my children about money. They do not ever expect to get everything they want. They realize that a holiday list is a wish list not a command list. They understand when I tell them we don’t have the money for certain items and they may not like it but they deal with the fact that something’s I won’t buy them for other reasons. They may not get what ever they want, but they always have what they need.
My husband and I admitedly shower our daughter with toys, mostly because we are toy and/or doll collectors ourselves. Toys are fun. At only 3 1/2 years old, she treats her toys and dolls with respect, and they stay in excellent condition.
Twice a year (before Christmas and her birthday)we go through her room and she picks toys she no longer plays with or has outgrown, and some things that she still likes, but chooses to give away anyway. We donate these toys to children who don’t have toys. We explained this to her when she was 2, and she seemed horrified that there were children that didn’t have toys. I always tell her how proud I am of her for being so giving. I know that she has a bit of a hard time parting with some things, but I make it clear that she doesn’t have to give away anything she wants to keep.
A friend of mine was brought up by a single mother who didn’t give her even the basic neccessities when she was a young child (such as clean clothes), and certainly toys were out of the question. This poor neglected girl grew to become a very materialistic woman who is now overcompensating for what her mother denied her. She is self-centered, she judges people by their financial success, and at 41 years old, she still hasn’t found a man that is “good enough” for her, yet she craves companionship. When she was younger, she was extremely and carelessly promiscuous, obviously looking for affection that she never received while growing up. Her mother always made it clear to her that she was never wanted, and was conceived out of wedlock to try to entrap the man she had her sights on, who happened to be married to another woman.
But…. I digress…..
I see nothing wrong with spoiling your children to a point, as long as material objects are not being substituted for love and affection. The family that plays together, stays together!
I believe spoiling a kid once in a while isn’t bad at all. And I agree, children spell love as T-I-M-E.