From the very first infant feeding to college tuition, parents are constantly giving to their children.
Some parents give more, and others less; yet we all wonder at some point, “Am I spoiling my daughter?” or, “Is buying this item for my son truly a good idea?”
Is there a guide or checklist that can inform parents when they are giving to their children in a healthy manner versus overindulging them? How can we know whether we are spoiling our children?
Let’s examine a child’s developmental stages:
When a small soul is born, the baby’s fist is clenched- a symbol of his position in humanity as a ‘taker”. As he grows, we hope that he will learn to open up his palm and become a “giver” with an outstretched hand.
For the first few months of his life, a baby is only capable of seeing the world through his very own point of reference. At approximately eight months of age, the baby learns the concept of “object transience” – the idea that objects exist even if he is unable to see them. At this stage the baby realizes that his parents or primary caretakers are separate from himself; this is the age where stranger-anxiety occurs, and his newfound discovery make the game of “peek-a-boo” so much fun!
In a healthy setting, as the baby becomes a toddler, he learns to interact with others and discovers that his actions can affect other people’s reactions. He will learn age-appropriate social skills and delight in giving back to his parents; with a smile, sharing a blanket, or a Lego project. A child in a state of fulfillment will generally develop normally.
In an unhealthy setting, where a baby’s emotional and/or physical needs are not sufficiently met, a toddler’s interaction with other people will constantly be an attempt to manipulate them to fulfill his needs. This child is typically left with a TV as a babysitter for long periods of time and develops poor social skills when he begins to associate with his peers.
Paradoxically, it is the giving and nurturing of a child which allows his to become a giving and nice person.
We all know narcissistic adults who are only capable of seeing the world through their own selfish viewpoint. These are the people that get insulted easily, manipulate others to do their wishes- often using guilt-trips, and ‘kiss-up’ to those that are on a higher socio-economic level than themselves.
In essence, narcissistic adults are unknowingly trying to get the love, attention, and nurturing that they lacked in their childhood.
Now, what does all this have to do with whether I should buy my teenage daughter a new Jaguar or not?
There are only two types of spoiling:
1) Alternating between not giving a child enough and then giving much too much.
Example: A jet-setting father who spends more time overseas than at home will purchase expensive gifts to compensate for the lack of attention he gives his child.
2) Giving to a child because of your insecurity and need for the child to depend upon you.
Example: An unconfident mother will buy her newlywed daughter a home and furnishings so that she maintains a feeling of usefulness, not because of heartfelt generosity.
There is no direction booklet which states “the appropriate framework of gift-giving to children without crossing the border of spoiling is giving the amount of the square-root of their age multiplied by the median income in a five-mile radius of your home each calendar month.”
Ironically, the way to inoculate your children from being needy, narcissist adults is by giving to them in a consistent and age-appropriate manner.
If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.
Even though you walked to school five miles, and it was uphill both ways, and it took you a year to save enough for a beat-up bicycle- if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.
If you live in a neighborhood or school district where children are given extravagant things, you may want to rethink your place of living as your children get older and begin to understand “keeping up with the Jones”.
By far, the most essential gift you can give your child is love, which children spell T-I-M-E!
Life is so different for my children than when I was growing up, and it is hard to know if I’m giving them enough or too much.
Thank you for pointing out that there can be no hard-and-fast rules, and that we must use our judgment in raising our children. This is an ongoing discussion that my husband and I have, as he came from a more financially-challenged background.
Jen, mom of Taylor 5 and Dylan 2
I have a bit of a problem with “If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.” Just because lots of other kids have the newest cell phone, ipods, and notebook computers does not mean I should provide one or even give them the option of getting one. I know the statement is made with the parents judgement in mind but it simply sounds like “keeping up with the Jones’”.
Thank you so very much for this article. Many of my parents that are raising their child and single could benefit from this advice. Many of them reflect on the value choices made as a child and realilze that their childs happiness is more important than preparing them to compete in the 21st Century. Many of them end up having to give in and crush under the pressure adiminstered by their child!
You stated, “if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.”
I’m not sure it’s good advise to give your child something just because most other kids have it. Sometimes families have different religions than most or different incomes or different ideas. That doesn’t mean they love their children less, it just means they place a different value on things. For example, I’m a high school teacher (and mother of a 15 and 6 year old) and I see most the kids with cell phones. That doesn’t mean that those kids who don’t have them should get them. Their parents may have a very good reason for not wanting their child to have one. Their parents don’t love them any less, it’s just that they don’t place a high value on cell phones. Not enough parents make their children work for what they want. I see a lot of spoiled, selfish kids who get what they want, even if it costs their family their last dime. Perhaps we should stop trying to “keep up with the Jones’” ourselves and teach our children the value of earning what you get, regardless of who has it already.
Giving them things to keep up is one thing, but if they want it enough to earn it, and they value it because of their effort, then maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.
Thanks for the reference about the two types of spoiling, it helps.
I feel if most of the kids have these things and as long as I can omfortably afford it I Will buy those things. I think the key is living within your budget.
I strongly agree with Mark Blankenbuehler’s comment; this sounds way too much like keeping up with the Jones. We have raised our children (3) to be independant thinkers….not to want what others want simply because we fall victim to powerful marketing machines.
Your closing comment is far more accurate….quality time/love with your child is still the greatest gift.
As the mother of a 27 year old and a nine year old, I am in a unique position to hear from my older, very articulate child why exactly the rule “if the majority of their classmates have it, so should they”. It was very painful, and did my son no favors, to always be the child who couldn’t get the expensive shoes, who didn’t have the things that truly most of his classmates were wearing. We’ve spoken a lot about this, and the truth is there-if you live in an area where you are on the lowest rung of the economic ladder, it would be better to move. No one will ever like or understand or I venture to say even become a stronger character by not having what his/her peers have. It creates unhealthy longing, and conversely, accentuates and promotes materialism, to overcome childhood deficiencies, often at the expense of healthier and more balanced ideals.
I give my children the opportunity to save the money for big ticket items that they really want. My son (then 12 yo) knew the Wii was coming out more than a year in advance. He saved his allowence ($4 a week) birthday and Christmas money and money earned from extra chores for over a year in order to have the money when the system came out. In fact he had done so well that not only did he have enough money for the system, he was able to buy several games for it. He is very proud of his ability to save for the system and takes very good care of it, probably because he understands the cost of replacing it.
My children often ask why all the kids in their school (a mostly low income area too) have all of the latest and greatest things. I have no answer for them other than to tell them that we give them what we can afford and other than that they have the choice to earn it for themselves. My girls aren’t nearly as good at saving as my son is and my frequent answer to them is “You obviously don’t want it bad enough to wait.”
I think that in this “get it now” credit card debt society that waiting is good for kids. Saving for an item teaches them patience and the value of the item.
I’m also big on checking out the free section of our newspaper and freecycle web sites as well as asking friends and neighbors if they know of anyone getting rid of stuff their kids have outgrown. My children are learning about “Reduce, Reuse and Recyle” at school so putting this into practice is a great lesson. Even if the swing-set isn’t brand new it is still new to them. I have friends whose kids won’t even reuse old printer paper to make paper airplanes! I don’t want my children to think that everything has to be brand new.
I do however often splurge on items that will get them outside, a trampoline, mobile basketball hoop, scooters, and bikes. I want them to understand that our family values exercise enough that I will be generous in that area. I don’t think that cell phones, video game systems and ipods are important enough to go into debt for. But if my children think that they are very important then I will give them the opportunity and encouragement to earn that item for themselves.
Joy, Mom to Nate 14, Mia 10 and Anna 8
I THINK YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOUR CHILD. MY YOUNGEST SON IS 13- HE HAS A CELL PHONE, IPOD, AN X-BOX AND ACCESS TO OUR HOME COMPUTER. BUT HE ALSO KNOWS THAT IF HE WANTS SOMETHING AND WE CAN’T AFFORD IT AT THE TIME- HE HAS TO WAIT. WHEN HE WANTED A PAIR OF ROLLERSKATES, WE DIDN’T RUN OUT AND BUY THEM, HE PAID FOR THEM WITH HIS CHRISTMAS MONEY. OUR CHILDREN APPRECIATE WHAT THEY HAVE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE SACRIFICE THAT WENT INTO BUYING IT. COMPARED TO THEIR COUSINS AND CLASSMATES THEY REALLY DONT HAVE EVERYTHING THE OTHER KIDS HAVE. THEY KNOW THAT OUR PRIORITY IS A ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS AND FOOD ON THE TABLE. IF YOUR CHILD DOESN’T APPRECIATE THE THINGS YOU GIVE THEM, THEN THAT’S WHEN YOU SHOULD CUT BACK. IT’S TRUE- KIDS WANT YOUR ATTENTION MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
We need to be very careful as parents that we don’t connect our ‘value as a person’ with the ‘value of the things’ we do, have or gift.
We also need to apply that same care with our children. A child needs to know that they themselves are the valuable thing not the stuff. There will always be someone who has more, there will always be someone with less… this fact has nothing to do with our value as human beings.
I, too, agree about placing your child with appropriate peers. I’d love to scrape together the funds to send my daughter to a top school but know the peer pressure to “accessorise” would hurt all of us. We’ll work out a suitable alternative that suits our budget and our values.
It’s also about working with other parents to explain your point of view. Many won’t be wanting to give their kids the gadgets but have no solidarity with their own peers (the parents). Stand together and don’t let the kids divide you!
I can understand perhaps purchasing a couple things that you were going to purchase for your child anyway, but to buy lots of things (that’s just what some are) just because the neighbor’s have it just reflect one’s own sense of insecurity, which sooner or later, your child will grow up and realize it. They will also realize that you do things just to “keep up with the Joneses” instead of thinking in an intelligent manner, modeling for your child or even asking your child the “reasons” for wanting something and “if they really need it”. Yes, during the teen years, there’s no doubt that teens want to “fit in” so it will not hurt once in a while to get them some clothes, etc. so they won’t feel like an outcast because during the “teen years”, their “social” being is very important to them. But these things can be given as birthday presents, or earned by allowance or even purchased 50/50 style by your child and the parent. You’d be surprised how many chores would be done around the house if you use this type of plan. You just say, “I’m not opposed to buying you it, but I need you to chip in.” For younger children, there are so many good, imitation style clothing, etc. out there that should satisfy them. If it doesn’t, then I think one needs to sit down with their child and explain to them what’s important in life, and it’s not material things.
This is a fascinating discussion! I had never considered the idea that “If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.”
When I first read it, I reeled in shock, but upon further reflection, I do see the wisdom in it, as well as the comment that you may need to reconsider where you live. I think the key to the above statement, though, is the part about the means to earn it. I believe if a child is given the chance to earn something, they then begin to choose which things are really that important.
I don’t like to just give my children everything, and in the past I’ve subscribed to the theory that if everyone else has it, we most certainly do NOT need it, but I think I need to rethink that thought, because I do not want to create an “unhealthy longing, and accentuate and promote materialism,” as Carol mentioned above.
What an interesting topic to ponder more!
First of all, I’m really enjoying the variety of opinions. There is no texbook answer with raising children. But as a child who was the ‘lowest rung of the economic ladder’ (As stated above), I wish to share something…
Because I grew up in the wealthiest city in the state, and I went without, I was motivated to start my own business at 20. Esther and Jerry hicks of “Abraham” state: “Desire is born from contrast”. So, although I was teased and went without, I know in my heart, I NEVER will again. I am stong, ambitious and confident. Aren’t our favorite stories the rags to riches kind?
As for my children, I will encourage them to find creative ways to earn money. Will I let them be teased for their clothing? No. But will I buy them the newest video system. Not necessarily. When it comes to buying a car, I will match what they come up with. Indulged children never learn how to pick themselves up when they fall. A little bit of struggle makes us all stronger. And being a parent means loving them enough to not enable them, so that they may know their own potential.
“If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.”
I agree with Gina and Rob Williams that we shouldn’t just *give* our kids things because their classmates have them. When we do this, our kids don’t learn how to make independent judgements — “Do I really need it?” and instead learn to “keep up with the Jones”. And they get spoiled.
However, I strongly agree with Joy, Alicia, J.D., and Paula. As opposed to just saying “no” to our childrens’ requests, (and have them resent that) we can give them “a means of earning it”. In other words, let them save up for what they want and buy it with their own allowance, birthday $, etc. My parents have done this with me, and it would made me reconsider whether that doll or toy that all my classmates had or I really wanted was something really important to me. If it wasn’t I dropped the idea. If it was, I worked hard for it.
By doing this, my parents made me appreciate what I bought, and so I didn’t misuse it, or forget about it right after I got it. They taught me self-control; I couldn’t always get what I wanted. They taught me the value of things — not everything is free, or easy to come by. They taught me good budgeting skills, and how to save up.
wonderful article, interesting letters.
i have a question:
facebook! all the girls are on it. my 14 yr dtr could be on it for hrs, on end. please help i think its a pure waste of time and energy and brain……
please write, i poke my head on once in a while and she does not like that, ive read by mistake, some of the stuff, and im not happy. what to do? new era in life, she can write to boys also too easily, i really despise, no control. sorry help!
Hi, Mrs. Berger -
That’s a very difficult question… if you really exercise “control” (like locking the computer with a password) she may resent it.
If you make the computer an earned privilege (like only after homework is done) that might help you curb the timeframe, but it probably won’t keep her off facebook (or other undesirable sites).
Can I suggest something that might have worked when I was 14?
If my mom sat down with me, showed an interest in me, wanted to see my “profile” and the profiles of the friends & boys I was meeting there…
If she wasn’t terribly judgemental but also wasn’t goofy about trying to connect… if she expressed some of her concerns based on what she remembered about being 14 (like “isn’t it flattering when boys pay attention to you? — there was one boy who paid attention to me but he turned out to be a jerk…)
I think I would have liked personalized stories that would help me think through my own actions instead of flat-out, seemingly ignorant “control measures.”
Just a thought! I’m interested to read what other people suggest to you.
Maybe we need a blog about facebook.
I find this discussion very interesting too. My daughter is 13 and we have tried to raise a child who understands our family values. If you start early, it can help. When her classmates started getting cell phones in 4th grade, I told her that when she had 5 friends with cell phones whose families had the same values as our’s, she could get one too. She finally got her cell near the end of 6th grade.
Another thing that seems to have gone out of vogue is laying items away. When I was growing up, that’s how we were able to buy clothes for back-to-school or summer vacation. My mom would take us to the store and tell us we had X$ for out wardrobes. We would pick out the clothes but then they’d be put on layaway and my mom would pay on them each week until they were paid off. It meant waiting for a few weeks before we actually got the items, but it was worth it. If we chose instead to buy outright, we were given 1/4 the amount of money. I learned what would get me the bigger wardrobe!
I recently used this concept with my daughter. She was going to a semi-formal dance. I told her I would give her $20 for a dress. We checked the local Goodwill but couldn’t find anything. We checked the sales racks, but she didn’t see anything she loved. In the end, she chose a $45 dress. I layed it away. I put the $20 down on it and each week her allowance went directly to the store. The week before the dance the dress was paid for. If lay-away isn’t available for an item, you can buy it and have your child put it on lay-away at home.
Mrs. Berger
i believe that your daughter wants you to know what is going on in her life whether she acts like it or not!! she is still so young and needs your protection and guidance.
i like the comments Lovin Mama posted.
I was very open to a nonjudging stepmother at your daughter’s age. Unfortunately I didnt get the guidance i needed at that time. She meant me no harm, but she left decisions about boys, sex, alcohol, and school too open for my own decisions at the age of 15 and 16.
Our teens are not capable of making rational adult decisions. Many times they blame the parents for situations they get themselves into when the parent does not get involved to protect the child. that seems unfair, but it is true.
if she knows that you know about something and she winds up getting hurt doing that activity, she could resent you later.
i suggest getting the computer out of her room in a positive way if possible. i also think you 2 should have an activity you enjoy doing together (preferrably not shopping) that can help you communicate better and more often.
I also do not think you have to apologize for reading some of her posts. Her “privacy” is important but it is not unlimitied. It should be based on trust and maturity in my opinion. I also think a limit on her time on facebook is a must. i am sure you can think of a positive way to do this. Invite her to the dinner table, to watch a tv show together, on a walk, etc. If she turns you down then you can explain how important she is to you and you miss her. work together to come up with something you will enjoy together. Tell her you respect her, but it is too important to you to let her refuse. Be loving and firm about it. You are the parent!!
One last thing- I wouldnt get frustrated and tell her exactly how you feel about the facebook. I fear that will shut her down. We all remember spending hours on the phone as a teen. think of this as a form of that. Even then we needed guidelines. Mine were clear, no calls after 9, i didnt call boys, i had to respectfully get off if my parents needed the phone or told me to get off. If i couldnt follow the rules, I had to give up my phone time and possibly be grounded depending on the case.
i am not saying those should be your guidlines, they are just an example.
good luck and let me know!!!@
Re: Facebook (or the equally disturbing myspace)
I think it is important to monitor what your child is doing online. My daughter is not allowed to have either of these accounts. There is NO benefit to having them as a young teen.
My daughter must give me the passwords to every account she keeps- e-mail, AIM- and I look over her shoulder and also check her contacts. If I see a name I don’t know, I ask her who it belongs too. Unfortunately, it is very easy for kids to have several IDs. I checkmy history and look for things that are unfamiliar. Also-the computer is in the family room with the monitor facing the room so I can see what she is doing.
If you’ve read disturbing things that your child has written or others have written, you need to deal with it. If others have written those things, have your child ban them. If your child has written them, ban your child from using the computer for a bit. The punishment will therefore fit the crime.
I must repectfully disagree. I don’t think that facebook/myspace are like talking on the phone.
As teens, we didn’t randomly dial a number and start talking to the teenager on the other end. We knew who we were talking to.
And while gossip was certainly a part of the phone game, it wasn’t spread with the lightning speed that the internet allows. If someone posts something, it can then be sent to hundreds of people immediately. Then those people can comment and spread and it easily snowballs. Instead of taking a few days for a rumor to spread through the school, it now takes seconds.
It is also much easier to post anonymously than it is to phone anonymously. When you are anonymous, it’s much easier to say hurtful things or tell outright lies.
These social networking sites have NO merit when it comes to teens. None.
Wow, these are great things to share back and forth. I don’t like my kids to do without, but I love the idea of them saving and waiting. I never, ever want my kids to want things because their friends have them. They need to be independent in their thinking and need us as parents to encourage it and show by example through our own actions.
As far as young teens on myspace or facebook, bad idea. In all respect to Ms. Berger - you are the adult and need to have that respected by your daughter. The influential garbage that goes on and on and on during their “hours” of sitting on the computer can not be good. When we are raising our children, hopefully we are teaching them some decent values and are spending enough time with them to really get to know them and to be influential as someone they love and respect. When they then go out of their little world within the family, you would hope they choose good friends with the same value. When they go to myspace or facebood - they are not choosing - all of the sudden they are exposed to everything - good and bad. As they spend “hours” on the computer, do you really think they are not absorbing all this garbage and it is taking root in their being??? The last thing I want for my kids is to become a part of the immorality our young kids face every single day between tv, the internet, the teen type magazines, mtv, yuck yuck yuck! Once our children are out of school - none of this stuff will mean anything, except what type of influences have been drilled in to them. We are responsible as parents to deter the bad influences and encourage the good ones.
I don’t completely agree with this article. Just because “most” kids have video games, does NOT mean I will go buy one for my daughter. The kids spending hours playing those games ALONE would probably much rather have the attention that they are lacking from thier parent/parents.
Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree on this one.
Sometimes the most valued and treasured moments in life, are the ones that don’t cost anything. I don’t remember what my first bike looked like, but I do remember the special time and outings we spent together as a familly.
You know, I have read all of the entries, and love this discussion. I have a few thoughts to share from my own experience. I have two boys ages 7 and 9. My exhusband bought them Gamecube years ago, much to my chagrin. I am an avid outdoors person, meaning I love to play anything outside with them, in fact, I have a broken elbow to prove it due to falling off the skateboard (didn’t have my wrist guards on, which was a great lesson for my kids and I). Anyway, this has actually been a great experience. We don’t allow them to play games where people are killed, or contain excessive violence. This has taught both boys amazing hand-eye coordination, which has helped them in their sports and other endeavors. It has also proven to help my older child with his deductive reasoning skills allowing him to excell in math and is in the gifted program as a result. They don’t get unlimited access to playing this, and it helps to be able to have an incentive for them to play. They earn minutes by doing chores around the house, etc. We use it as a type of allowance, if you will. I love the idea about earning big-ticket items, and Suzie Orman has great books on how to teach your kids the value of a dollar. Also something I’d like to share is I am health conscious, and it is important in my family. When the kids want to eat something unhealthy such as M&M’s, they know they need to balance it with something healthy first. Let’s face it, kids are kids and want to eat junk, so instead of taking it all away, or limiting the heck out of it, I have them eat something healthy first(which usually fills them up allowing for only a few M&M’s–that is a great trick, before they get to eat the yuck. Don’t get me wrong, we limit their sugar intake, but aren’t zealots about it, and here is why…I took away soda for 2 years. I don’t drink it nor does my ex, but what that did is create such a longing, and rebellion that it was creating exactly the opposite of my intention. To compromise, we allow them to drink soda on Fridays. This decision came about for a few reasons, one of which was because when my younger son was six, all three of us were lying in bed snuggling and pillowtalking before bed, which we love to do every night after books. Anyway, it was in August, and I’d just had a birthday. He says “Mom, how old are you?” I replied “39″, and he says “Wow, mom, you are almost dead!!”. And then without missing a beat he says “Man, dad, and Lukas and I are soooooo going to drink soda when you die”. He did not mean it in a malicious way or anything of that nature and was just sort of saying it. It was actually funny and we got a good laugh out of it. Obviously he didn’t understand the permanence of death, etc, but that taught me something about being too hardlined on things with your kids. It taught me to be balanced and not extreme with them. Everything in moderation.
I think that it is important to teach your children to make decisions. This requires a lot of dialogue. Give them choices and talk about the pros and cons of their choices. I let me kids chose their presents. I talk to them about making money decisions and we talk about it every time they are at a store. “Do you really want this for gum for $2.00″? The two older ones (7 & 9) will almost always say that too much money for gum. “Do you want that skateboard or the Nintendo DS”? I usually always buy things that the kids need but they have to choose what the things that they want (and live with the consequences). My daughter wanted a Pixie Chic which we bought her one Christmas - she has realized that they doesn’t like electronic games and knows that they was a bad decision. Many of us make bad money decisions because we were not taught the value of money and had decisions made for us.
I terms of Facebook, I’m a high school substitute teacher and there is no way to control Facebook. Again, if you have taught your children to make good decisions, you will have to sit back in the teens years and let them make their own decisions (good or bad). If you haven’t allowed for many decision-making lessons, it’s not too late to start - again it takes time and face-to-face dialogue (that means talking and listening with an open mind). Facebook is like the black-hole for some teens and will suck up a lot of their time - teach your teen time management and responsibility but don’t cut them off.
I have to add a few more comments…lol. I believe in teaching children, then empowering them, and getting out of their way. Without contrast, there isn’t growth. I expect failure because through that are many priceless lessons. My opinion is if you don’t fail, you don’t live. I don’t believe in always playing it safe, but to take the road less traveled in life. We’ve learned as a people that dictatorships fail, and do not work. Then why would we do this to our children? As soon as they get a little freedom, we will see the inevitable result of too much control–our children out of control, if not just for spite. There are many great books, but one I read with much resonance was “Parenting With Dignity” by Mac Bledsoe. This teaches us parents how to give the children the proper tools to make their own decisions because we are not always going to be there, nor should we be, especially in high school, and beyond. I try to be reasonable, and altought there are certain aspects of their lives that are non-negotiable, others are negotiable, and if my kids are creative, and hatch well-thought-out ideas, I am more than happy to listen, and change my mind after hearing them out (if they make sense). I teach my boys to be out-of-the-box thinkers. Sometimes this bites me in the tooshie, but it is so much fun to see the wheels turning in their heads when they are proposing something in order to change my mind. Just that I am willing to listen to them means so much, and that I am open. Seek to understand, then be understood is something I honor with my boys, and it is working. I respect them, and they me. We engage each other with love and openness. I may be older and wiser, but I let them know I am not perfect, and that I am here to learn from them just as much (if not more) as they are here to learn from me. I don’t walk around all knowing as that would be counterproductive and condescending, not to mention unreasonable when it comes to kids. Our children are the future, our future, and it should NOT be taken lightly as collectively everyone affects everyone else through thoughts, words, and actions.
When I first read the article which states “if the majority of kids have it, so should your child….” I thought while reading, that the author was listing that as a way to spoil your child but upon reading the comments and rereading the article, I realize now that the author is promoting that kind of “keeping up with the whoever.” How crazy is that?! Society should not dictate what my child does. Society, arguably, is going in a direction that is spiritally unhealthy. Now if everyone has a bike, that is not going to determine whether or not my child will have one. My child would already have a bike because i know that’s important. Little Billy Jones doesn’t need to inform me of the importance of bike riding. And the bike doesn’t have to be new, it could be used. If all the kids have the xbox or ipods or cell phones that’s a whole ‘nother story but i don’t have to worry about that yet. My kids are 4, 3 and 1.5. I will say though, that in other countries, children under 16 legally can not have cell phones because studies show they cause brain tumors. Just like putting your daughter on the pill for acne is scienticically ignorant, studies now show that the pill has negative long term effects. Sometimes, we as thinking people need to be cautious when it comes to new ideas or very popular trends.
This is an important topic. I wasn’t able to read all of the posts, but most of them lent even more insight for those of us just starting as parents. Two things immediately came to mind when I read the article and before reading the responses. 1) Crime 2) Waste
I grew up in a low income area and my parents were always good to all of us children, but were constantly praying about next months bills. I know for me this did wonders to teach me about where our dependance really lies, and also about giving thanks for the smaller things in life. In contrast, at a very young age many kids I grew up with stole and were involved in other crime to get what they wanted. Ironically, most of these theiving, devious children were those whose parents bent over backwards and even went way into debt to provide what their kids wanted in addition to what they needed. Crime, its results, and victims prove that things don’t bring peace. Also, many of the kids who had the latest and greatest had parents who were always hosting a neighborhood potluck or taking their kids to the lake, etc. It was all a facade to act like they were spending quality time with their kids, and all the while my friends in those types of situations were sickened by the sappiness. Sure, they would go to the lake, but their parents wouldn’t ever talk in a normal voice to them about real life and its problems. Everything was swept under the rug and to talk about another time, which meant in reality it would never be dealt with. Anytime they wanted to ‘impart some knowledge or teach some values’ it was when they were screaming at them. What I am trying to say is, time and things will not bring a kid closer to you unless it is real. In our hearts is a little switch we have to flip on in which we are doing something genuinely, and not to salve our own consciences or somehow get revenge for the things we thought we lacked in our childhood. Kids are smart, and can see right past our false motives. If we are fake, they often turn to crime to get attention, what they want, a thrill, fun with people they perceive really care about them- their friends, and to let off some steam. That is a rant in the crime area. Now, waste. In my part of the neighborhood there were run down trailer houses, etc., and a few blocks away the houses were more middle class, then a little further along came some upper class. It didn’t matter on which part of the town you went, on garbage day one could always find perfectly useful, even sometimes brand new with tags on it stuff on the curb. I once was invited to a prep’s B - day party and dug a vest out of my next door neighbor’s garbage, washed it really well, put it in a cereal box I had turned inside out and glued, made a fabric bow out of a shrunken baby sleeper, and gave it to my friend for her gift. The next week at school she wore it different ways for 3 of the 5 days. Everyone on her social ladder tried to find one just like it at Macy’s, and couldn’t exactly duplicate it. My point? New is often wasteful and, start your own fad, don’t just get what everyone else has for your kid - they’ll be wearing something different next week. Anyway, thanks to all the others who posted on this topic. Hope I didn’t duplicate anyone’s perspective. I’ll be reading yours soon.
We tried to give our kids ‘cost of living’ money. This was their age multiplied by 25 cents per week. We supplied their basics and necessities (they were allowed one new bike each….. one daughter opted for a guitar and curb shopped a used bike, she was happy and so were we) if however they wanted something else we usually required them to save for half and we paid the rest. They were glad when they had the money for the purchase! Now 2 of the 3 are college age and sometimes will still approach us with the same formula for buying something as they both only work part-time. Seems to work pretty good as they are both pretty frugal.
Good insight, interesting prespectives. If everyone has it, my child should, - I have difficulty with this, but can see the point.
How do we know what is the norm, when we don’t know how kids act in school to our children.
Our two kids are middle schoolers and very independent thinkers. They both are very comfortable with themselves and march to their own drummer.
Our phone very rarely rings, our daughter spends a great deal of time emailing. We do limit computer time if it gets to be more than a 1/2 hour.
How do we cultivate good healthy friendships for our kids and ourselves when we feel isolated from others who may connect better with other parents.
Feeling trapped in a materialistic world when we have very down to earth values, ( which we are comfortable with) and wanting to do what is best for our children.
To Bethany,
Sounds like you are doing something right - keep up the good work. Stay down to earth - materialistic does not breed happiness
I think most everyone is right here that there is no real correct answer on how to raise kids with a sense of self-esteem that is deeper than what we lavish upon them. One thing to remember however is that by simply raising children in our culture, by simply giving them a home and a dry place to sleep, by giving them 2 or 3 meals a day and keeping clothes on their little bodies, we are spoiling them in comparison to the world-s population.
We are moving to Guatemala with our 3 year old twins. We love them very much and have shown it with our gift-giving and time. But we are now ready to show them how the rest of the world lives to help deepen their appreciation for everything they have and mistakenly take for granted.
We love America, but we are also interested in raising kids who know that their self-esteem will always derive from their character and actions, and not by what they have been given.
Anyone have ideas on how to get grandparents and other relatives to stop giving toys?
Rebecca,
I just got back from my nephew’s birthday. And his grandparents sponsered him an animal from the WWF. My nephew received a stuffed version of the tiger he has “adopted” as well as a certificate, so that he actually had something to open-but as a caring child he was very excited to be helping something in the world. Truly he was more excited about that gift (they also included a book on endangered animals) than he was on the gift we got him-which was what he had asked for!
I have been to a few parties lately where donations to favourite charities were made instead of gifts. And it actually is really easy to go this route because almost all the schools are now doing recylce themes or teaching the children that they are part of a larger global community. First talk it over with your kids to get them on board-which is easy, and then elicit their help in the relatives department.
I do not agree with the statement “If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.”
I have four children who are great kids even though we do not keep up with the Jones. My oldest two do not have ipods, laptops, etc. just because their friends do. It’s not always in our budget and they have lived just fine without them. My eighteen year didn’t get a car until she was 17 even though all her friends got one at 16… it wasn’t in my budget at the time.
I also have two younger children that are 8 and 7 years old - my 8 year old saved his money from his birthday to purchase a Nintendo DS. I can promise you that he takes better care of it because he spent his $150 not mine.
As a parent my job is NOT to give my child everything his friends have!!!!!!!!!!
For the record, my oldest will graduate 6th in her class in June. She’s been accepted at the best college in NC and has a full scholarship because she had to work for what she wanted.
It’s up to us to set morales and values and uphold those. My children are well adjusted, would rather be outside than play inside with a playstation. They volunteer and donate the toys they no longer play with to other less fortunate children.
Our children need US not more toys!
My daughter is 10 years old and according to her “all the kids have cell phones mom” I just don’t see that as a reason to purchase one for her and she is not able at 10 to earn money. I tell her she will get one when me and her father feel she needs one period. She also has begged me to get her a pair of heelies skate shoes. I feel they are dangerous and frankly I don’t care if every child on the face of the earth had a pair I refuse to allow them.
I am the mother of 5, I can’t afford nor do I feel it is healthy to indulge my children just because other parents are. Plus there are many products that I don’t agree with for reasons other then price. I don’t want to raise materialistic children and feel no need to keep up with the Jones’s.
There are children coming to school with cups of coffee should I send my child in with the same just so she isn’t God forbid considered “different”? I say no.
I want my children to learn that they don’t need to be like everyone else. That being their own person, following their intuitions, style and dreams is not only acceptable but natural and beautiful. When I purchase items for my children it is because I want to, we can afford it and I feel they are ready for it not because all the cool kids are doing it.
What happened to the thought that if all your friends were to jump off a bridge would you?
From day one I have taught my children about money. They do not ever expect to get everything they want. They realize that a holiday list is a wish list not a command list. They understand when I tell them we don’t have the money for certain items and they may not like it but they deal with the fact that something’s I won’t buy them for other reasons. They may not get what ever they want, but they always have what they need.
My husband and I admitedly shower our daughter with toys, mostly because we are toy and/or doll collectors ourselves. Toys are fun. At only 3 1/2 years old, she treats her toys and dolls with respect, and they stay in excellent condition.
Twice a year (before Christmas and her birthday)we go through her room and she picks toys she no longer plays with or has outgrown, and some things that she still likes, but chooses to give away anyway. We donate these toys to children who don’t have toys. We explained this to her when she was 2, and she seemed horrified that there were children that didn’t have toys. I always tell her how proud I am of her for being so giving. I know that she has a bit of a hard time parting with some things, but I make it clear that she doesn’t have to give away anything she wants to keep.
A friend of mine was brought up by a single mother who didn’t give her even the basic neccessities when she was a young child (such as clean clothes), and certainly toys were out of the question. This poor neglected girl grew to become a very materialistic woman who is now overcompensating for what her mother denied her. She is self-centered, she judges people by their financial success, and at 41 years old, she still hasn’t found a man that is “good enough” for her, yet she craves companionship. When she was younger, she was extremely and carelessly promiscuous, obviously looking for affection that she never received while growing up. Her mother always made it clear to her that she was never wanted, and was conceived out of wedlock to try to entrap the man she had her sights on, who happened to be married to another woman.
But…. I digress…..
I see nothing wrong with spoiling your children to a point, as long as material objects are not being substituted for love and affection. The family that plays together, stays together!
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(Part B) Friday, May 23, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters Have You Cast Out Any Demons Lately? (Part 1B) Thursday, May 22, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters Have You Cast Out Any Demons Lately? (Part 1A) Wednesday, May 21, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters Salt and Light (Part B) Tuesday, May 20, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters Salt and Light (Part A) Monday, May 19, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters One Long Church Service?! (Part A) Friday, May 16, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters I’ve Got To Tell Someone (Part B) Thursday, May 15, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters I’ve Got To Tell Someone (Part A) Wednesday, May 14, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters The Torture Chamber of Divine Interruptions (B) Tuesday, May 13, 2008 Host: Dr. Charles Betters This content contains offending material? 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