Giving Your Child Effective Attention!
As an Early Childhood educator, I have learned that ATTENTION is a survival need- not a manipulation of adults.
After World War II, orphans living in a clean, hygienic and basically attentive facility did not thrive. In fact, almost half of infants died, despite apparently having all basic needs met. It turned out that the infants needed a meaningful relationship with a caring, and involved adult in order to survive, grow and thrive. Since then, we have learned that Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is released in a manner directly proportional to the amount of caring attention the child receives.
How many times have you said, “Oh, s/he just wants attention!”
YES!
S/he does just want attention and s/he legitimately needs it.
The power of the attention children get is that whatever you pay attention to is a behavior that is reinforced – that is, behavior the adult notices and responds to is more likely to be repeated again than ignored or unnoticed behaviors.
Be honest … when do you give the most attention and the most focused and intense attention?
When children are acting out or showing MIS-behaviors – right? So, each time your child does something you DON’T want to see again, you reinforce the behavior by strongly reacting to it, right?
Oops! Did you ever realize this? I didn’t as a parent. I heard myself yelling,
“How many times have I told you … ?”
Well, the more times I noticed that behavior and responded strongly, the more likely my children were to repeat it. I was a busy mom. I worked, ran the household, had friends, and the easiest people to ignore [at times] and the most annoying [at times] were my little children.
The odd thing, hard for adults to remember is that giving unpleasant or negative attention will NOT eliminate the behavior. Rather, it strengthens it. The intensity of reaction and the reliable immediate response are the most effective in making behavior occur again because – back to the top – children legitimately need attention to survive.
Nature has equipped children to do statistics and a quick analysis of their own experiences. When do they ‘bug’ you most?
When you are on the phone?
When you want to focus on shopping?
When you are chatting with another adult?
Ahhh – yes, when they don’t have your attention.
So, what does this mean? It means that you DO have to give strong focused attention when something has happened that you like and want to see again. Catch them doing what you want! Make meaningful, descriptive statements about their efforts – not outcomes, when they are engaged in constructive, creative, artistic endeavors. Make meaningful descriptive statements about cooperation, about helping others, about being able to spend a few minutes alone without interrupting your phone call.
Create those quality moments or better yet, minutes of just attending to your child or focusing on what s/he wants following WANTED BEHAVIOR.
If you do this consistently for a few days you will begin to see changes. Children want nothing more than your approval. If you show that approval by giving focused and meaningful attention to constructive behaviors, they will repeat those behaviors.
There are a few things happening when you do this. Children are reassured that you ‘see’ them–really see them–and what they are doing. It forces you to pay attention to specifically what they are doing and to think enough about it to make an intelligent comment about it.
The comments help children to think in more complex ways about their activity and capability and may even enlarge their vocabulary. When they get the attention they need, they will give back by lowering the demand that comes out of feelings of neglect.
Notice that I have used the phrase: descriptive feedback above. This is NOT PRAISE!
Saying “Good Job” without saying what you are approving leads to two conclusions by the child:
1) you really are not paying attention, you are just getting me off your back;
2) something I did was a ‘good job’, but I don’t know what, so I will have to do a number of things I did recently to test which one was ‘good’.
Descriptive feedback shows that you actually paid attention to what the child did. It means you noticed the effort or time spent and commented on the effort rather than judged the outcome.
How do I do this, you ask?
Really pay attention to what the child did and avoid using judgment words like: good, great, beautiful, bad, ugly, etc. In my Early Childhood Development classes, students are not allowed to use the words “good” or “bad”. This is the rule to force them to use more descriptive language that has shared meaning. What does ‘good’ mean? What does ‘bad’ mean? We all have different values and ideas regarding those ideas.
If the child has made a drawing or painting, you can say:
“Wow, I see that you put a lot of time into that art. I can count five different colors in the one painting. I wonder what you were thinking when you combined those two colors?”
OR
“You did that painting really fast. There are some famous artists that also use mostly one color just like you did here. Is that color special to you in some way?”
If the child has been kind to someone else:
“I feel so proud of you when you are patient with your sister/brother. I know he/she can be annoying sometimes, but I see you are getting more patient now.”
Etc., etc., etc.
Adults often feel they don’t have the time to slow down and focus on the child. However, it is when you have the least time that it is most important. If you provide that 15 minutes of quality, focused attention –sometimes called ‘want-nothing-time’ by experts like Magda Gerber – you will earn half an hour without interruption following that 15 minutes. If you do this regularly, the rare times you cannot pay attention will pass almost unnoticed by your child because he/she is not hungry for attention.
Be sure to tell your child, “WOW, you let me focus on my project/work/phone call for a long time. I really appreciate that you are able to wait now. That is an important skill for people as they get older and it looks like you are learning it.”
Don’t forget that children always do the best they can, just like you try to do. When they do something wrong it is more likely because they lack the specific skills to do it right than to annoy you. Giving descriptive feedback to children of any age or capability becomes a ‘teachable moment’ rather than an argument or power struggle.
Discipline means to teach. Teach them the skills by demonstrating them. Patience with their challenges and belief in their ability to learn will result in cooperation, motivation and high self-esteem.
By Kathy Kelley
Kathy is an Early Childhood Development Instructor at Chabot Community College in Hayward, California. She has three children and even the baby is off to college – she always wishes she had some of that childhood time back again. Kathy can be reached at kkelley AT samplehead DOT com
Another great wake up call to us all.
It is nothing we don’t know but most fail to practice. I know I do.
I had an epiphany on the subject of ‘catching them doing good’. As the Akela at a Cub (Scouting) ‘link camp’ with young girls and boys. At the close of the camp, one very young camper came up to me and said matter of factually (without accusation or reproach but slight disappointment) “you never talked to me!” Thinking that I had forgotten a promise, I asked for clarification. His response: “you talked a lot to Joe, Mike and Liz but not me”. He had named all the ADHD participants. The behavioural problems of the event. This young lad was independent, a team player, kind and courteous. So no one paid any notice! By the end of the camp everyone knew Joe, Mike and Liz, only too well.
WE must catch them doing good.
It is in our own selfish best interests. Everyone pulls ahead in the process.
Now I use the strategy to turn all older Cubs into leaders. Sometimes whispered and sometimes announced:
“Wow, you really know how to bring out the best knot tying and responsible behaviour in the younger Cubs. Have you taken a leadership course or are you just a natural?”
That problem child quickly becomes your “leader” who is only to eager to show his ability to redirect and help others to success.
It works!
Thanks Ellen for this learned forum, we are all lucky to have such a place to exchange learning and to improve…’all of our behaviours’.
Colin
I need a phone number so I can order and send a company check with the order. We are a Child Care Resource & Referral agency and plan to use the Animal School DVD for training purposes. My phone is 563-324-1302 x 402 or email mjhuddleston@iowatrain.org
this site rocks. i always get such good, simplified advice that i can apply to my kids, myself and even at work.etc. i appreciate everyone’s comments at the end of the article’s, as a single mother it helps me not feel so alone in my struggles.
My youngest daughter receives negative teacher interviews about her behaviour and it is affecting her grades too. I hear the teachers saying “she is seeking attention” or “she behaves this way for attention”. I didn’t quite understand what the teachers meant by this (perhaps teachers should be reminded of this article too). I thought I was giving my 3 girls attention and now I realize that perhaps I am not giving the proper attention. It’s true, if I think back the attention is feedback to her negative behaviour. I will try to practice the positive attention. Thank you for this article.
Wonderful article! We are a walking testimony of this articles topic…my son was in school until December when we began homeschooling. We noticed that the negative attention he was receiving in school in regards to his talkative nature deeply hurt him and his ability to enjoy learning as well as other aspects of his life simply because he thought himself “bad” all the time. After months of positive reinforcement and literally ignoring offensive behavior (when it was ignorable), we have seen such a change in him. No more whining, temper tantrums, etc. Just a happy kid who has once again discovered his love for life and learning.
Positive reinforcement works!!
I definitly give the best attention when I am mad, dissappointed with a behavior or scared. I have a very low self esteem and seem to care more about how I look as a mother then how I can teach my kids the best way to act in certain situations. I am trying to develop my children’s self esteem but it is becoming very clear to me that it isn’t their’s I need to fix first but my own. Where do I start??? HELP!
I have learned something today by reading the above topic. I am currently in a relationship where my partner does not have kids. He has expressed to me that he very much interested in me and my child but finds it difficult to come around when she is constantly seeking my attention. For example, when comes over he will sit beside me. My child immediatelys say’s “I dont want bill to sit beside you and proceeds to push me away and when i dont move she begans to cry and be persistant about me moving. How do I handle this because I dont want her behaviors to run him away and this is becoming a problem.
Great article. This book that recently came out. It was excellent and gave real time solutions for instilling the behavior you desire from your child/class. “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills” by Alan E. Kazdin (Author). It applies to any child!
Thanks for a vey useful tips on giving time to children. One thing I have learnt that not to be judgemental on the “good” or “bad” work produce by the children by uttering these words. Rather, say positive remarks which enhances a child’s self esteem and give courage to work more happily and consistently.
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# 27 - Stephanie
I have been in the same boat. What I did was when my boyfriend came over for the first while, I would leave a gap between us and then my son could chose where he would sit (between us or beside me). You can always cuddle closer when she goes to bed. Tell your child that you love spending time with both of them. Do lots of activities, swimming, bowling, playing in the park, etc. This shows that you can have fun with both of them and that you are not picking one over the other. If your boyfriend really cares for you, this will not push him away. He should understand that, if your situation was like mine, it was the mom and child for the longest time. Now someone new is in the picture and the child thinks that they are going to lose you.