Comments on: Giving Your Child Effective Attention!

by: Rafiq Allana

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 04:19:29 +0000

Thanks for a vey useful tips on giving time to children. One thing I have learnt that not to be judgemental on the “good” or “bad” work produce by the children by uttering these words. Rather, say positive remarks which enhances a child’s self esteem and give courage to work more happily and consistently.

by: Lisa

Wed, 07 May 2008 18:24:51 +0000

Great article. This book that recently came out. It was excellent and gave real time solutions for instilling the behavior you desire from your child/class. “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: With No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills” by Alan E. Kazdin (Author). It applies to any child!

by: Stephanie

Tue, 06 May 2008 01:07:57 +0000

I have learned something today by reading the above topic. I am currently in a relationship where my partner does not have kids. He has expressed to me that he very much interested in me and my child but finds it difficult to come around when she is constantly seeking my attention. For example, when comes over he will sit beside me. My child immediatelys say’s “I dont want bill to sit beside you and proceeds to push me away and when i dont move she begans to cry and be persistant about me moving. How do I handle this because I dont want her behaviors to run him away and this is becoming a problem.

by: Kyla Hamilton

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 14:03:22 +0000

I definitly give the best attention when I am mad, dissappointed with a behavior or scared. I have a very low self esteem and seem to care more about how I look as a mother then how I can teach my kids the best way to act in certain situations. I am trying to develop my children’s self esteem but it is becoming very clear to me that it isn’t their’s I need to fix first but my own. Where do I start??? HELP!

by: Homeschooling Mom

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 16:15:09 +0000

Wonderful article! We are a walking testimony of this articles topic…my son was in school until December when we began homeschooling. We noticed that the negative attention he was receiving in school in regards to his talkative nature deeply hurt him and his ability to enjoy learning as well as other aspects of his life simply because he thought himself “bad” all the time. After months of positive reinforcement and literally ignoring offensive behavior (when it was ignorable), we have seen such a change in him. No more whining, temper tantrums, etc. Just a happy kid who has once again discovered his love for life and learning.

Positive reinforcement works!!

by: cheryl

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 11:06:05 +0000

My youngest daughter receives negative teacher interviews about her behaviour and it is affecting her grades too. I hear the teachers saying “she is seeking attention” or “she behaves this way for attention”. I didn’t quite understand what the teachers meant by this (perhaps teachers should be reminded of this article too). I thought I was giving my 3 girls attention and now I realize that perhaps I am not giving the proper attention. It’s true, if I think back the attention is feedback to her negative behaviour. I will try to practice the positive attention. Thank you for this article.

by: casey

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 21:14:17 +0000

this site rocks. i always get such good, simplified advice that i can apply to my kids, myself and even at work.etc. i appreciate everyone’s comments at the end of the article’s, as a single mother it helps me not feel so alone in my struggles.

by: mary jo huddleston

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 21:22:11 +0000

I need a phone number so I can order and send a company check with the order. We are a Child Care Resource & Referral agency and plan to use the Animal School DVD for training purposes. My phone is 563-324-1302 x 402 or email mjhuddleston@iowatrain.org

by: Colin Knauf

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 18:19:15 +0000

Another great wake up call to us all.
It is nothing we don’t know but most fail to practice. I know I do.

I had an epiphany on the subject of ‘catching them doing good’. As the Akela at a Cub (Scouting) ‘link camp’ with young girls and boys. At the close of the camp, one very young camper came up to me and said matter of factually (without accusation or reproach but slight disappointment) “you never talked to me!” Thinking that I had forgotten a promise, I asked for clarification. His response: “you talked a lot to Joe, Mike and Liz but not me”. He had named all the ADHD participants. The behavioural problems of the event. This young lad was independent, a team player, kind and courteous. So no one paid any notice! By the end of the camp everyone knew Joe, Mike and Liz, only too well.

WE must catch them doing good.
It is in our own selfish best interests. Everyone pulls ahead in the process.

Now I use the strategy to turn all older Cubs into leaders. Sometimes whispered and sometimes announced:
“Wow, you really know how to bring out the best knot tying and responsible behaviour in the younger Cubs. Have you taken a leadership course or are you just a natural?”

That problem child quickly becomes your “leader” who is only to eager to show his ability to redirect and help others to success.

It works!

Thanks Ellen for this learned forum, we are all lucky to have such a place to exchange learning and to improve…’all of our behaviours’.

Colin

by: Jill

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 21:36:42 +0000

Oh the pangs of guilt! As I read this article I realise that I know this to be true but how many times do I fail to catch my kids being good? However, thank you for keeping this topic in front of me and helping me to appreciate the great kids that I do have.

by: Pam

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 23:38:41 +0000

Anthony,

EXACTLY! I have to say that my parents were exceptional parents..both educators as well, who knew the “right” way, but also were dealing with their own limitations (dad was an alcoholic, and an ACOA and a surviving child…oh brother)…Of course they did things that would be frowned upon in textbooks and teacher ed courses, but they really were inspirational…I am a reactor, a hot head and an occasional overreator,all due in part to a combination of being and ACOA and my inborn temperment…so I NEED to use “calming” techniques..and really rely on, what you refered to as my “rational mind”…and not temper tantrum on my kids…I admit, I do sometimes…but I do really feel like I should know better…I should be above the rest…It should be easier for me because I have so much knowledge in this area, and that only works some of the time…ugh! Enough of this counterproductive banter..lol
I appreciate your affirmations and support…
Thanks Anthony…
Pam

by: Anthony

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 23:47:36 +0000

Pam,

I’ll go out on a limb here and guess that you picked up your parenting style from your own parents. Look back and see if they gave you more attention for you “bad” behaivors. Sounds like you are an intelligent woman, that knows better, knows the right way, but you still struggle to implement the right way into your own relationships. I suspect this, due in large part to my own struggle to be the way my rational mind wants to be, not what my knee jerk emotions say.

Be proud that you are breaking the chain set into motion by your own parents, and their parents before them. You might slip from time to time, but that’s allowed–at least you care to try to more!!!

Best wishes,

Anthony

by: Anthony

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 23:35:28 +0000

This is an excellent article. It’s one of those things that I’ve learned several times, however, I find myself slipping back into the old pattern of giving attention (i.e. yelling) for the bad behaviors and not enough attention for the good behaviors. It’s easy to understand this concept, a bit harder to actually implement on a consistent basis. Keep up the good work.

by: Etrily

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 02:09:36 +0000

Thank you Ellen for your encouragement and for this great article which came just at the right time. Your emails are a great help to me. Love and God bless Etrily xx

by: Pam

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 01:39:17 +0000

Ellen,
I have a very similar philosophy about children as you do and have expressed in this article. I found it much easier to practice what I belived while I was teaching…but find it more challenging as a parent myself. I am so glad that I knew all of this important and valuable information about how to manage and support children, but sometimes I am not as effective of a mother as I was a teacher…this frustrations me and really disappoints me about who I thought I’d be as a mom…
Any thoughts, affirmations, suggestions? I’d love them!
Pam

by: Trina

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 15:44:23 +0000

Thanks for an informative and helpful article. My daughter is 2 and just beginning to seek my attention when I am most busy. Your article has verbalised the method of dealing with this that I have been working on - you make so much sense!!! Hopefully I will nip this behaviour in the bud and feel better knowing that I am giving her all the attention she needs (or trying!).

by: Nina

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 04:36:23 +0000

Thanks for a great article! It is so very true and I need this sort of gentle reminder to help me to understand and properly interpret my children’s annoying behaviors. These days, it is difficult to find time to read through my parenting books when I’m feeling frustrated. I appreciate your ability to pull out some crucial tidbits that really make a powerful difference.

Thanks for this wonderful website and the email reminders!

by: Laya

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 00:33:07 +0000

I’d love to add a little nugget to it. We’ve all heard about how teens can “shut down” to their parents. By giving them our attention when they’re little, they know they can come to us. (It’s just like letting them get in the habit of helping even when it’s more work to let them help at first. I wish I got that bit sooner!)

I once read in a parenting book that if you stop what you’re doing and hold a child that needs your attention, they’ll usually be all filled up in less than 10 minutes of undivided attention. Contrast that to constant pulling for an hour while you’re trying to get something done.

Thanks for putting together such great material Ellen.

All the best,
Laya

by: Dorothy Caruso

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 15:48:37 +0000

How exciting that the author addresses the problem of quality attention. As a teacher and care giver exposed to the field of education, I have often thought that many of our special needs labels as ADD, ADHD could be erased by giving quality attention to children then there would be no “Attention Deficit”.
The children would then be labeled: AFNOR: Attention Fulfilled Not on Ritalin!
However, I don’t see anything wrong with saying adjectives like “good” and “bad” and “beautiful” in regards to anything, because those words exist. It’s more of a matter of what motivates their use, than the prohibition of their use.
“Excellent job” Kelly, you have infinite love in your heart and I appreciate it!
Dorothy Caruso

by: kim

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 15:58:59 +0000

Thought the article was a wonderful way to help remind parents of how we always want to interact with our children.Well done.

by: Ellen C. Braun

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 17:00:05 +0000

Hi Judy,

If it’s an important call, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and finish up! That is assuming that you know the children are going to be safe, of course..

If it’s unimportant, I’ll either:

1- get off the phone

2- put the person on hold and say, “I’m on the phone, I’ll be with you in 5/10 minutes.” If necessary: “You can take a snack from the snack cabinet while I finish this call!”

By the way, I’d like to invite you all to the new parenting forum: www.raisingsmallsouls.com/forums/ . Simply click ‘register’ and
choose a username and password that you’ll always remember. I’m finding it much simpler to have ongoing, virtual, productive parenting discussions on the forum!

See you there:)

Ellen

by: Judy

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 16:53:26 +0000

Dear Ellen:

Thanks for the great article! My kids go nuts when I’m on the phone at home, *especially* when it’s an important call. I know exactly what you mean about the quality, focused attention to start out with, but what do *you* do when they start fighting or interrupting you in the middle of a call or conversation? Just curious…..

by: Wendy

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 03:12:32 +0000

What a great reminder of why my four year old has been acting up. Thank you for the great advice and reminder of how simple it really is if we just take the time to focus on what is going on.

by: Grandma Jo

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 15:00:47 +0000

This is a very good article. As a grandma I have heard of this idea many times, but it was always hard to put into practice. I did try to do this with my children. They have all turned out well, but I want to give them additional help with their children (all different ages) so I have read the book “Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.” This is an excellent book that someone mentioned on here before. I think it would be very helpful to anyone raising children. It is very down to earth and gives such practical ideas and the exact words to say if you need them. I like the idea of preserving the DIGNITY of the children as well as the parents. Sometimes we treat our children as “little adults” instead of as the children they are. This book even gives pratical ideas and responses for dealing with pre-teen or teenage attitudes! My one daughter who has younger children has a lot a patience and already uses some of the principles in this book, but I’m sure it’s nice to know you are not alone in dealing with children’s unappreciated behavior. I hope my children will take this book to heart and after reading it use it as a reference. Thanks again for articles like these, Ellen. Can’t wait to see the next one!!

by: Sarita

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 06:42:10 +0000

Usefularticle,did not realize untill now that I was being impatient regarding my younger son’s mistakes,I need to help him form his skills.Thankyou
Sarita

by: Annette

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 00:53:34 +0000

loved the article! exactly the info i needed to be reminded of in helping my son. thanks!

by: wendy

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 13:55:44 +0000

Thoroughly enjoyed the article….though I was cringing at times…..this is exactly what I was talking to my husband about this morning with regard to our middle of 3 daughters.

by: Debbi

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:34:40 +0000

I LOVED this article. This is exactly what I learned years ago. LOL But, it took me years to learn it.

This is one of the best articles yet!

LadyPoet

by: Wendy

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 15:28:18 +0000

This was a great article that supports what I try to tell teachers that I work with daily. It was also a good reminder to do a better job with my own children. I am also glad to see that I must not be the only one that engages in “not paying good attention.” Thanks for publishing this article I am going to print it and share it.