Bedtime!
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development
No other time of the day in our child’s life is as emotionally charged as bedtime!
Bedtime can be considered a significant ‘trunk’ of your child’s ‘tree’- from where many other ‘branches’ – or issues – emerge.
Well-rested children will perform better scholastically, be in a happier frame of mind, and generally more cooperative than their tired and irritable counterparts. (I know, that’s not news to you!)
By breaking down the bigger picture of “bedtime” into smaller bite-sized pieces, we can help our children have a good night’s rest on a regular basis.
There are three factors that can hinder a smooth bedtime: Inborn tendencies, habits, and environment. Let’s examine each aspect and outline some ideas to move toward calmer evenings for your family.
Inborn tendencies: Some people are truly born to be “night people”. That is not to say that they cannot get to sleep at a reasonable hour, it simply means that additional strategies will be required to do so.
If your child is a “night child” sleep experts recommend that you help him out by adhering to a consistent wake-up schedule, even during weekends and vacations.
Realize that you cannot change his nature, and if he gets a “second-wind” during the evening, you will fight a losing battle by attempting to squash his nocturnal energy. You want to recognize his tendencies and manipulate the family’s habits and environment to be more conducive to helping him settle down during bedtime.
Habits: Some children are more prone to reactions of stimulating foods than others. Experts recommend that you limit stimulating foods such as sugar and caffeine at least three hours prior to going to sleep.
Many children are sensitive to stimulating activities, so take note of your child to see if he is able to go to sleep more easily when you avoid energetic activities after dinner-time. Make the conscious effort to incorporate board games, puzzles, arts-and-crafts projects, and reading books into your child’s evening routine, rather than playing ball, jumping on the trampoline, or other sports.
Environment: Take careful note of your home’s evening environment. If there’s lots of noise, activities, and interesting things happening, your child will understandably be reluctant to go to bed calmly. A small home, or several children with varying bedtimes sharing a room, will compound the issue and deserves additional strategies and ideas.
We used a white-noise machine for Joey when he was younger, and a very sensitive sleeper. The small investment at the Sharper Image provided valuable hours of quiet time, and that machine was worth its weight in gold! You can check it out here:
Children are keenly aware of their parents’ moods, and will virtually always pick up on stress and worry their parents are experiencing- even without it having been verbally expressed. This is a good time to remind yourself that you are doing your family a favor, not just you, by addressing your personal needs, so that you can maintain a relaxed atmosphere.
You can engage your child in a discussion of which environmental factors are hindering his ability to settle down, and brainstorm together for methods of reducing or eliminating some of these factors. Perhaps your child can fall asleep in a different room and be moved later, you may want to acquire a white-noise machine, or change the timing of noisy activities or appliances being run.
An additional benefit of parents identifying the environmental reasons for bedtime issues is that it will switch the problem from being a lack of discipline on the part of the child, to outside, environmental factors. Once the child is no longer being blamed for bedtime battles, the stage is set for a renewed atmosphere of cooperation between parent and child.
Professional sleep counselors also advise a warm bath prior to bedtime, as it will generally induce a state of drowsiness.
Bedtime, in its calm glory, can be an ideal bonding time for you and your child. It can be a source of comfort for your child to have several minutes of attention at the end of the day, without interruptions, where he can tell you about his day, his plans for tomorrow, and his dreams. When the child values “hugs and kisses time” (that’s how we refer to it here!) then if it gets forfeited due to misbehavior, he will feel compelled to get to bed properly the next evening, so that the bedtime ritual can be made up the following night.
I hope that these suggestions will help you to have smoother and happier bedtimes!
Sweet dreams!
great article! but what happens when getting to sleep is achieved, but then the issue of middle of the night wakening occurs. My son is 4 1/2 and has been waking in the middle of the night since June. Sometimes he’ll go back to sleep and other times it can take hours with crying and screaming on both our parts. Anyone have advice?? you can email it to jennaron@yahoo.com
Hi all,
I’ve been finding it simpler to answer individual questions on the forum than here, so please join us: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/forums
We have a good thread about a little restless girl in middle of the night here- join in, or start your own thread! Ooops- it’s not letting me post the link- Ok, hit my name above this post, that will take you there.
And Good Night:)
I love your website and think this is an important topic. However, I have to disagree with two of your suggestions. 1) I don’t agree with the idea of allowing a child to fall asleep where they chose and then moving them. If this is a logistical issue for you, that is one thing. But, I believe a child needs to learn to fall asleep in THEIR OWN BED. You are asking for trouble down the road if this continues.
2) I don’t think using the removal of nighttime hugs and kisses time is an effective form of behvior mod. Well, it may work, but I think it is hurtful and sends the wrong message. “When you misbehave, I will neglect your emotional needs.” I think taking away another activity the child enjoys like TV or computer time is more humane.
Hi there Jenna…Anything happen in June… I hate it when they appear awake and they are not and they are caught up still dreaming and are not even focused on you!!! Thats scarey. They can even be yelling ” I want my Mommy when you are there and they seem not to recognize you. Sometimes when they do awaken fully it is worse!!!! There are a few times when I had to walk away for my own sanity and this upset Emily further but once this wa done a few times it became evident that she wanted me to stay and calmed herself. It was hard. when they get like this even if you try to rock them or soothe them it is rejected. But remember he is only four and a half and at some time he, yes he will,emotionally regulate. You for yur own sanity have to reassure yourself that you do all you can. Tell him at those quiet few seconds before he gets more energy to scream and thrash…quickly to… you need to go to sleep. put a t.v. on…music on and buy earpluggs. But also watch his food intake and the time he wakens. He may be getting really bad gas. If nothing really works at all please take him to the pediatrician. Fears that are unrealistic begin as well but are very real. What never seem to scare them tend to start scaring them between this time and on. Hope I helped. patricia
Amy… I disagree with you on the sharing the bed policy but I am not sure about where any one said to hold back hugs and kisses at bed time. I do not remember reading that.
Ellen I hope you read this…….. I still cannot get into a forum. Even when they give me a number as a password…. I also still GO TO MY ANIMAL SCHOOL and when I press on the box to pay for it I get ‘ THIS is a secure website ” should I take a ride over to remsen? You knowing my location. Patricia
Patricia –
See the last paragraph of Ellen’s blog on this topic to find where she suggested withholding “hugs and kisses” time.
I know many people disagree with me on the “no kids in our bed” rule. It is just one we adopted and which has worked for us. If our child is upset or scared, we take them back to their bed and that is where all of the comforting takes place. That way, they associate their bed as being a warm, safe place. This enables my husband and I to have our own intimate space that is just ours. That doesn’t happen anywhere else in the house…LOL.
But, that is just what works for us.
Amy
hello there amy… Thanks I most definitely did not see that. I rarely hold back affection from Emily. There are those times when I am so aggravated which she becomes awre of and she needs the hugs for assurance and I most certainly cannot genuinely hug her. But I usually tell her to give me ten minutes. Emily is kinetic and holding anything like that back from her would most definitely hurt her in a way that can take years to heal. Thanks for pointing it out to me…. I am single and inactive so I am not sharing with anybody