Comments on: Targeted Behavior Problems http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/ Timeless Parenting Advice for Toddlers through Teenagers Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:41:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Karen http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48214 Karen Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:30:34 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48214 It's SO important to differentiate between a child who is capable of improving with some simple parenting changes, and a child who has a deeper problem, such as bipolar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, etc. My 10yo daughter is openly hostile toward her brother almost always, and to me sometimes; less often to her dad (he is often away at work), and almost never to anyone outside the immediate family. She is bipolar. We have consulted many professionals over the years, and all agree that we have a practically ideal family situation, including two loving parents who are consistent with discipline and expectations, strong attachments within our family, healthy diet, financial stability, etc. My daughter's anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of powerlessness come from her chemical imbalances. We have avoided prescription med's so far, but we have now scheduled an appointment to discuss using some, as we have tried everything we can to get her more stable, and it is glaringly apparent that without chemical help, she is unable to move forward any further. As a former public-school teacher (now homeschooling mom), I've always been stunned by parents who use various diagnoses to "excuse" the behavior of their child and their own lack of consistency in parenting. Now that I'm parenting this child, I am convinced that there are some situations that are outside the parents' control without medical assistance. Having said that, however, I believe that the advice in this article is very valuable. We all have room for improvement! It’s SO important to differentiate between a child who is capable of improving with some simple parenting changes, and a child who has a deeper problem, such as bipolar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, etc.

My 10yo daughter is openly hostile toward her brother almost always, and to me sometimes; less often to her dad (he is often away at work), and almost never to anyone outside the immediate family. She is bipolar. We have consulted many professionals over the years, and all agree that we have a practically ideal family situation, including two loving parents who are consistent with discipline and expectations, strong attachments within our family, healthy diet, financial stability, etc. My daughter’s anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of powerlessness come from her chemical imbalances. We have avoided prescription med’s so far, but we have now scheduled an appointment to discuss using some, as we have tried everything we can to get her more stable, and it is glaringly apparent that without chemical help, she is unable to move forward any further.

As a former public-school teacher (now homeschooling mom), I’ve always been stunned by parents who use various diagnoses to “excuse” the behavior of their child and their own lack of consistency in parenting. Now that I’m parenting this child, I am convinced that there are some situations that are outside the parents’ control without medical assistance.

Having said that, however, I believe that the advice in this article is very valuable. We all have room for improvement!

]]> By: Denise http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48212 Denise Tue, 28 Oct 2008 17:14:33 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48212 Kathleen, Just to clarify, I would have to make the obvious exception for children with certain disabilties such as Asperger's. My comments were targeted at the article itself and not at your comment. I feel it's very important to make that clarification. Denise Kathleen,
Just to clarify, I would have to make the obvious exception for children with certain disabilties such as Asperger’s. My comments were targeted at the article itself and not at your comment. I feel it’s very important to make that clarification.
Denise

]]> By: Kathleen http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48209 Kathleen Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:55:41 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48209 No doubt you are right about manipulation and child care. However the housekeeper mentioned above wasn't given sole care of the child, I was in the house. And you can't lose a stainless steel Italian pressure cooker very easily...I overlooked the money disappearing from my purse. That I could have misplaced or lost. Some Asperger's children hold themselves together as well as they can at school, and it takes everything they have, and then fall apart at home, or become abusive. I've seen it in ASD adults too. That's why my grandson is homeschooled here. No doubt you are right about manipulation and child care. However the housekeeper mentioned above wasn’t given sole care of the child, I was in the house. And you can’t lose a stainless steel Italian pressure cooker very easily…I overlooked the money disappearing from my purse. That I could have misplaced or lost.

Some Asperger’s children hold themselves together as well as they can at school, and it takes everything they have, and then fall apart at home, or become abusive. I’ve seen it in ASD adults too. That’s why my grandson is homeschooled here.

]]> By: Ellen C. Braun http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48186 Ellen C. Braun Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:05:09 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48186 Hi Carrie, that's a great question- how to improve self esteem. Search through this list for lots of wisdom and ideas: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/dir/self-esteem/ Also, I somewhat disagree with your last statement (If I understood it correctly, which I may not have), and I recently heard a terrific quote: You can't think your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings. Real esteem comes from true accomplishments and overcoming obstacles, not from a warm and fuzzy sensation in the heart. Hi Carrie, that’s a great question- how to improve self esteem. Search through this list for lots of wisdom and ideas: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/dir/self-esteem/

Also, I somewhat disagree with your last statement (If I understood it correctly, which I may not have), and I recently heard a terrific quote: You can’t think your way to better behavior, but you can behave your way to better feelings. Real esteem comes from true accomplishments and overcoming obstacles, not from a warm and fuzzy sensation in the heart.

]]> By: Carrie at NaturalMomsTalkRadio http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48181 Carrie at NaturalMomsTalkRadio Mon, 27 Oct 2008 10:20:13 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48181 Wow Ellen, thank you for publishing this article. I will look into the product recommended too. I recognize this pattern in a ten year old boy I know. He is an intelligent, precocious, interesting kid who can be a total gentleman in certain circumstances but totally verbally abusive to his younger brother. Fascinating stuff. What I want to know now is what to do about the feelings behind this behavior. If it's poor self esteem leading to the bullying, what to do about that? I'm not one who thinks that self esteem can come from external stuff, it has to come from within. What's next then? Wow Ellen, thank you for publishing this article. I will look into the product recommended too.

I recognize this pattern in a ten year old boy I know. He is an intelligent, precocious, interesting kid who can be a total gentleman in certain circumstances but totally verbally abusive to his younger brother.

Fascinating stuff. What I want to know now is what to do about the feelings behind this behavior. If it’s poor self esteem leading to the bullying, what to do about that? I’m not one who thinks that self esteem can come from external stuff, it has to come from within.

What’s next then?

]]> By: Kerrie http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48104 Kerrie Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:35:28 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48104 Working in a Nursery School, I see the kids behave so well in the class until their parent is the helper that day. It's like night and day. In front of the child's parent, I will ask the child to 'show mom how you really act when she is not here.' Working in a Nursery School, I see the kids behave so well in the class until their parent is the helper that day. It’s like night and day. In front of the child’s parent, I will ask the child to ‘show mom how you really act when she is not here.’

]]> By: Dina http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48092 Dina Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:59:04 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48092 Denise, I agree with you completely. I see my neighbor's children who really "play" their mom and get away with everything until their Dad gets home. Denise, I agree with you completely. I see my neighbor’s children who really “play” their mom and get away with everything until their Dad gets home.

]]> By: Denise http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48088 Denise Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:47:08 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48088 As a child care provider, I can tell you first hand that it is almost comical how quickly children figure out which adults can be "played" and which ones can't, and how young it starts. Adults who thinks that young children do not know how to manipulate and are just expressing honest emotions with fits, mean words, etc, need to spend some time on the child care providers side of the door and see how quickly it dries up once the target closes the door. As a child care provider, I can tell you first hand that it is almost comical how quickly children figure out which adults can be “played” and which ones can’t, and how young it starts. Adults who thinks that young children do not know how to manipulate and are just expressing honest emotions with fits, mean words, etc, need to spend some time on the child care providers side of the door and see how quickly it dries up once the target closes the door.

]]> By: Kathleen http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48084 Kathleen Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:52:55 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48084 I see I have a pronoun problem...I meant "she" was spitting at him, and he didn't want her looking at him while he was working. I see I have a pronoun problem…I meant “she” was spitting at him, and he didn’t want her looking at him while he was working.

]]> By: Kathleen http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48083 Kathleen Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:50:17 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48083 In a situation I had last year, my autistic grandson started to want to avoid being around a housekeeper, saying to me that he was "spitting" at him (his word for treating him with contempt, when I wasn't looking. He didn't want her to be in the same room with him, or have him looking at him while he was working. I didn't believe him at first, but after she started to steal items from the house, I was forced to fire her and now believe he was telling the truth. He even tried to take a picture of her but the digital camera wasn't fast enough to catch the raspberry she was making at him. He was also devastated because her son had been his friend. In a situation I had last year, my autistic grandson started to want to avoid being around a housekeeper, saying to me that he was “spitting” at him (his word for treating him with contempt, when I wasn’t looking. He didn’t want her to be in the same room with him, or have him looking at him while he was working. I didn’t believe him at first, but after she started to steal items from the house, I was forced to fire her and now believe he was telling the truth. He even tried to take a picture of her but the digital camera wasn’t fast enough to catch the raspberry she was making at him. He was also devastated because her son had been his friend.

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48082 Jennifer Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:19:40 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48082 Be aware that being apparently compliant in one setting and very non-compliant in another may be a sign of Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome, a pervasive developmental disorder, and not caused by adults. Be aware that being apparently compliant in one setting and very non-compliant in another may be a sign of Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome, a pervasive developmental disorder, and not caused by adults.

]]> By: M. R. http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/comment-page-1/#comment-48081 M. R. Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:01:50 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/behavior-problems/#comment-48081 Thank you, Ellen, for this article. I remarried 2 years ago and see some of these issues with my step-son. M.R. mom of 4 small souls Thank you, Ellen, for this article. I remarried 2 years ago and see some of these issues with my step-son.

M.R. mom of 4 small souls

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