A Child’s Emotional Bank Account
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Emotional Development
At a parenting seminar I recently attended, someone asked a room full of parents, “What is the most difficult aspect of raising successful children?”
The most memorable response drew a lot of laughs; “The first twenty-five years.”
Indeed, there are numerous challenges we parents face from the toddler times through their teenage years, and beyond!
A parenting tip to gain cooperation and good conduct is to make frequent deposits into our children’s emotional bank account.
What is an emotional bank account? Think of it this way: When your checking account is overdrawn, it is hard for you to give away money. Similarly, people have emotional bank accounts that must be sufficiently full for them to give away- not money, but time, personal responsibility, and good behavior.
Adding regular “deposits” in your kid’s emotional bank account is smart investing in their future, so they will feel secure in “withdrawing” or giving back to you in the form of respect and proper obedience of your rules. A child who feels that he is running a “negative balance” will gain pleasure from making Mom or Dad get angry. In a backwards psychological way, the power the child yields over his parents in driving them to extreme frustration can fill an otherwise empty emotional bank account. It’s the classic case of the child who would rather get negative attention from their parents than no attention. Being yelled at is better than being ignored, as it fills his emotional account with a “bad currency” rather than leaving it “in the red”.
Here are some suggestions of “deposits” to bump up the balance in your child’s emotional bank account:
1) Give him a gift for no reason.
2) Place a note that says, “I love you” in her lunch bag.
3) Let him choose (from options you provide) the next family vacation.
4) Spend time alone with her at a location of her choice
5) Truly listen when she speaks to you
6) Believe in him, and his ideas.
7) Do a surprise favor for her.
Give him specific and truthful complements.
Making regular deposits in your children’s emotional bank accounts will yield dividends beyond any those of the highest-performing stock on the market!
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As a mother of 3 kids with ADD (the oldest (21)developmentally disabled, the youngest (11) with significant learning disabilities but very bright; the middle child (16) an average student in elementary/middle school and now an 11th grade honors student) I think the biggest gift we can give them is to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we BELIEVE in them. They all understand that we are all “gifted” at something and “good” at varying things, while perhaps not so good at others. We do our best to teach them that once they realize which are their God-given gifts, they are expected to use those gifts to make this world a better place.
And, as so many good parents have already written, we tell them that we love them often every day, that we thank God for each of them, and we INSIST on hugs and kisses often (which they really don’t fight off much!)
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While my boys are both adults now, when they were growing up I did just about everything listed there. They are both happy, well adjusted, productive young men. The one thing I strongly suggest is that you find one on one time with your children. This can be something as simple as taking a walk together, story time, cooking etc. I found these to be ways to keep the lines of communication open. And even now my youngest son and I would have breakfast every Thursday to sit and talk and catch up on each others lives. Now that he is in the Navy I miss those Thursday breakfasts. Now his older brother is starting to come by on Thursday mornings since his brother left. Sometimes he had joined us in the past, but he usually had to open the store and couldn’t join us too often. When he could it was a double treat. I also kept my home open to their friends growing up. I got to know them as well as my own kids. Never ever let them go to bed with out a big hug and and I love you-no matter how big they think they are!!! They secretly really love it!
Where are all the men who raise small souls, who seem to not have anything to say about this emotional bank account issue?
I cant believe they are all absent, neither can I believe that non of them are practicing this.
So where are you guys?!!
Investing in you child is a wonderful thing. We need a generation of confident, secure and well balanced young people.I start each day with my teenage daughter telling her that she is “blessed and highly favored”. A reminder to her of God’s greatness and love.
A wonderful book for parents to read is “Raising Kids For True Greatness” by Dr.Tim Kimmel.
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Love the ideas— I have gotten two bits of advice– one– make sure your face lights up when they enter the room and—– tell them you could never live without them ( a friend told me this and she got this advice from a psychologist because her daughter wanted to commit suicide after her father died)
Very nice article! Thanks for this!
FYI — Another author who mentions this concept is Willard Harley, who talks about the “Love Bank”… his website is http://www.marriagebuilders.com. I think he first mentioned it in his “His Needs, Her Needs” book in the mid-80s, which is basically the same idea as the Love Language book… everyone has different needs, and if you are aware of your spouses’ needs, you will be able to make “larger” deposits into the love bank with less effort.