A Child’s Emotional Bank Account
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Emotional Development
At a parenting seminar I recently attended, someone asked a room full of parents, “What is the most difficult aspect of raising successful children?”
The most memorable response drew a lot of laughs; “The first twenty-five years.”
Indeed, there are numerous challenges we parents face from the toddler times through their teenage years, and beyond!
A parenting tip to gain cooperation and good conduct is to make frequent deposits into our children’s emotional bank account.
What is an emotional bank account? Think of it this way: When your checking account is overdrawn, it is hard for you to give away money. Similarly, people have emotional bank accounts that must be sufficiently full for them to give away- not money, but time, personal responsibility, and good behavior.
Adding regular “deposits” in your kid’s emotional bank account is smart investing in their future, so they will feel secure in “withdrawing” or giving back to you in the form of respect and proper obedience of your rules. A child who feels that he is running a “negative balance” will gain pleasure from making Mom or Dad get angry. In a backwards psychological way, the power the child yields over his parents in driving them to extreme frustration can fill an otherwise empty emotional bank account. It’s the classic case of the child who would rather get negative attention from their parents than no attention. Being yelled at is better than being ignored, as it fills his emotional account with a “bad currency” rather than leaving it “in the red”.
Here are some suggestions of “deposits” to bump up the balance in your child’s emotional bank account:
1) Give him a gift for no reason.
2) Place a note that says, “I love you” in her lunch bag.
3) Let him choose (from options you provide) the next family vacation.
4) Spend time alone with her at a location of her choice
5) Truly listen when she speaks to you
6) Believe in him, and his ideas.
7) Do a surprise favor for her.
Give him specific and truthful complements.
Making regular deposits in your children’s emotional bank accounts will yield dividends beyond any those of the highest-performing stock on the market!
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I love “give specific and sincere compliments.” Sometimes I’ll look at my 10 year old daughter and say “I love the way that color makes your eyes sparkle.” The expression on her face is priceless. A specific compliment means so much more than “You’re pretty.”
hello every one given the most important job on Earth…guiding..parenting and teaching. There is not a day go by that my daughter doesn’t spontanepusly call out mommy with I love you! This is vive versa as well. Sometimes I am overly cautious of her emotional well being people do not understand. I have always made sure her behavior not warrented was seperated from her. ” I LOVE YOU and I DON”T LIKE WHAT WAS DONE! I am a great believer in a child lives what he/she learns.
I to like caroline sometimes lose focus on what my daughter is saying thinking abot all the things I can me doing. But you know the laundry can wait, the dishes can wait and so on. there is but a moment with your child that can reap greater rewards than a clean dish, a clean basket of laundry, putting books on the shelf. My mom never played with me and I found things difficut at first and still have a hard time playing barbies. My friens know that and will come over and spen time playing with her.
I also have a special time set apart just for her… I do not even answer the phone!! How many of us actually thank God for the phone interuption just to get away sometimes. LOL She can always interupt whatever I am doing for a hus and a squeeze. 2 min. snuggle ( except when I am talking to a visitor in my home.) she will hug herself and then I will know. MY REWARD happened when she was sad that her father couldn’t spend time with her. ( we don’t live together) But he offers no explanation sometimes and rejection is so hard on kids. So Instead I focused her on all who loves her..name by name…it took some time and she had to think of some tooo, Her father was included and we bothe agreed on everyone from people to dogs to cats to her barbies to god and angels in heaven. afterwards we were done her sadness shifted. As she was walking away she said with exuberance and with sparkling eyes that she forgot someone very important. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who.. I asked and she answer EMILY LOVES EMILY. HERSELF. I cried that night with such gratitude taht she felt that way herself. It took me years to like myself and more to learn to love me. That statment was priceless and I pray she can always say that. I got another story about kids modeling their caregivers behavior but it was a lesson learned and a correction needed to be made in emilys thinking. I will save that for another time . I moved and removed the ” If a child lives with criticsm, He learns…” poster I had. You remind me to get it and put it back up. patricia
Wonderful, wonderful advice! A tool that I will certainly implement immediately. I sometimes get so tied up in the day-to-day Mom stuff–that I forget to take a moment to make a “deposit”; although, I tell my kids I love them very often. Now I can get creative!! By the way, I took offense to the remarks posted by “a friend” on this subject. That was not at all either nice or necessary…what Ellen has put together here for us parents is truly a blessing—regardless of her sources.
What do you do when your adult child of 22 is still acting like a 13 year old. She is fine if she gets her way and no requirements are placed on her like vaccuum the house or be in by 11:00. How do you get your 22 to appreciate and respect what they have. We are guilty of giving her to much all these years, but never did we think she would be this way with us. We do need help and we do love her dearly. But the disrespect and lack of caring hurst so much. Please help us help her, we have tried talks, meetings, guide lines if you don’t follow them you have a choice to move out. I rather have her boy-friend live with us as he is so respectiful and communicates with us.
Ellen, wonderful article. We do have to make daily deposits into our children emotional bank accounts. It carries over into adulthood and all relationships in their future. Recently my husband had two root canals. On my way home from picking up the kids my 6 year old said, “Oh yeah, we have to go and get daddy a card so he can feel better.” Although I was extremely tired after a full day of work, I went to the store and let him and his sister pick our a balloon and a bear.
In our nightly prayers my 6 and 4 year old always remember to pray for others especially those who are less fortunate.
I shared these 2 situations because I believe it is those daily deposits that keep and make them caring, compassionate and thoughtful of others.
Thanks for the reminder to invest in their emotional future-it is truly what will make them well adjusted individuals.
Keeping our children 1st,
Tara Davis
I make sure that I make time for uninterrupted listening by having a special time each day for my son, 5 years old, to talk to me. Right now it’s after we read a book before he goes to sleep. At first, I asked him if he wanted to talk and then I’d ask him what he wanted to talk about. I let him guide the conversation. Now, he initiates it on his own and I think he looks forward to this time when he has me all to himself without any distractions. This special time has allowed him to talk to me freely about his fears or joys and I’ve learned so much about him.
All of those ideas are great. One thing I am still trying hard to remember though is that you may have to make sure you do all these things, with no obvious results, for twenty five years before you see any returns. It’s not really about the returns, it’s about bringing up people who understand that we’re here to help others first. It doesn’t matter whom they may help in the end.
I loved this article – just wondering, does anybody else find this hard when you’re going through marriage problems? In the same way that children’s emotional bank accounts need to be full in order to give back to the parent, OUR emotional bank accounts as moms need to be full in order to give that much-needed love & attention to our children. That is hard to do when you don’t feel loved by your spouse, or when you’re harboring anger & resentment. I truly believe that in these situations, God is our comfort and source of emotional fulfillment as mothers. I think it’s important to remind our kids that despite our best efforts to love and fulfill their emotional needs, we WILL fail them on some level because we are imperfect ouselves. I want my children to remember that even when life is hard, God can provide for their every need if they ask Him. Then someday when they face those difficult times (like marriage issues), they won’t be left empty.
Just some additional thoughts… what a great discussion!
Since the affirmation of the father is so important to the daughter, a Father-Daughter date once a month for breakfast or lunch does wonders for gender affirmation. PS It’s good for Moms too, Dad
I vote for NUMBER #4. Time with your children individually is priceless for you both. Give of your time generously while they are still young since you will miss them when they go off to college (and you don’t want them to forget you). Quality time translates into love in the parent-child relationship and far outpaces material giving in the long run.
I try to find a little time every day to take a walk with my kids so we can talk. Also, every Saturday morning we are now spending together. They get to choose one thing that we do, trying not to spend money just time, and I get to choose one thing. I always try to give him my full attention when he tells me something, but he must wait until I am done with other conversations or working with his sister. This was a great article!!!
Stephen Covey should be credited with this idea and it would be great to have his whole concept referred to in an article. He also talks about making “withdrawals” from a child’s emotional bank account and stresses the importance to make “deposit” with greater value and frequency.
There is a great book called “How to Really Love your Child” by Dr. Ross Campbell. This book was first published in 1977 and it talks about a similar concept only it is an “emotional tank”. It talks about keeping the tank full and what happens when it’s not. I’m sure that this was probably before Steven Covey’s book, but the concepts are the same. I read this book when my first child was 1 year old (he’s 15 now) and I’ve always tried to remember to keep the tank full and their behavior will let me know when it’s getting low. It’s a great analogy to keep us parents on our toes.
Another author who I have grown to deeply appreciate is Dr. William Sears. I only see a few of his books when I go to the book store to pick up a book as a baby shower gift, but he has written a large quantity of books and so has his wife. They are strong advocates for atatchment parenting. I sometimes ask the pesron at the desk to order specific books of his that aren’t on the store shelves. I’d strongly rexommend his books to anyone.
Love the article. I have one suggestion. As one poster above mentioned, try to give more positives than negatives which is harder than you think. Another poster above mentioned “specific” compliments. I’ve kind of combined these 2 ideas. When I want to tell my son (2yrs) “good job” I try to break it down into as many things as I can. In the elevator after he pushes the correct button I tell him how good he pushed the button and what a good listener he was and how well he followed directions to push the correct button and then what a good boy he is and how much I love him. Writing it down like this kind of makes it sound ridiculous but I know the multiple postitive inputs help counteract the zillions of No No No’s he hears from me all day long as he’s getting into/onto/over and under everything!
;->
In my house we refer to the emotional bank as your “hug meter”. Of course we hug and kiss alot but when someone seems unhappy we ask if their hug meter is low. We then hug on them until they start laughing!! It must have made an impression on them because when I am grouchy they tell me that my hug meter is low and I get lots of hugs. It really changes the way you feel and the situation that you are in.
Share things about yourself with your child..even things you are not so pround or would like to improve upon. It shows them that we don’t think we’re perfect, and may open a door of discussion about themselves.
Also, as kids get older, it may not be “cool” to give a hug/kiss/xo in public..instead, my boys and I have top secret “I love you” hand signals.
I know that it can be very hard to do, especially after a days’ work, but the most important time for my three sons (two now teenagers) is bedtime, shared reading, and a chance to talk from the heart to one another, really be heard and to feel better for getting it out there and not keeping it all bottled up or suppressed. It has become a very special time for us all.
hi there,
i am impressed by the idea of having an emotional bank account.Actually i feel this emotional bank account is essential for every family member as it works as a feeder account for each other and permits operations like overdraft facility in times of crisis. Long ago there was an ad in the news paper asking parents a question, “did you hug your child today”. Since then i hug both my daughters atleast 10 times in a day. Some time ago i asked my husband to hug his mother every time he met her. Trust me he did it regularly till she was alive and also experienced increased bonding between them.
Many a times a warm touch or a hug communicates more then words.
Theresa…I love the hug meter thing….I’m totally going to use that!
Great Article Ellen…..very timely for me!
Thanks!
I recently read a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. (This was a very eye-opening book.) In it, he discusses the fact that each person has his or her own “love language” or currency for the emotional account. The concept you covered in this article is great, but what comes to mind is this book. The book also teaches that if you are showing love in your language and not the recipient’s they might not be getting the full effects of the deposit you are attempting to make. He wrote a similar book geared toward parents and children which I have not read, but plan to. The book I read dealt with romantic relationships, but the ideas apply in all areas. Just thought I’d share this with you all.
To Dodie with the problematic 22-y.o. daughter: there seems to be an analogy between your 22-y.o. and my 5-y.o. We had behavior problems, until thankfully a preschool teacher with experience of raising 5 strong-willed kids talked to us.
She helped us see that we were doing too much talking, giving too many warnings without taking action.
Since we started taking away privileges (things he likes to do: TV time for the day, time with the dog, losing bedtime stories for the night) for misbehavior either with one warning or without warning, things have gotten considerably better. We make it clear that his behavior is the cause and we are sad when he misbehaves and we have to take away those things.
It is not always easy to follow through and take away the privileges, but we owe it to him to teach him to manage his behavior and be pleasant for us to be around, as well as anyone around him in public, school, etc. As far as respect, we’ve told him from day one that he is to honor his father and mother because that is what God wants and we do not allow otherwise. We do things as a family, and started from very young age having him help with bringing his own laundry basket on wash day, helping clear his plate after meals, loading/unloading the dishwasher, etc. so we can have more time to do things together after work is done. He has become a great helper, and takes pride in doing so.
Maybe a long-winded answer, but my opinion is that you should put your money where your mouth is with your daughter. You’ve warned, had meetings, given chance after chance. She basically feels you won’t do anything or she’d change her ways.
Time for some tough love. Stop warning and tell her she has to move out. Be specific, give a deadline/date and stick to it, no matter how much it hurts, and then don’t keep bailing her out once she is out of the house. Some day she will understand and appreciate.
Good luck.
I think the hardest one to follow is believing in my child’s ideas. I have such a hard time walking the line of reality and I fear sometimes I let him get too out there. But, honestly, one day he will discover that peanut butter does not make the most efficient glue.
Once I was watching an Oprah (many years ago before I was a mother) and she asked a question that stuck in my head…she asked when your child walks in the room what is the first thing you think about…Pause…she said most parents think about the dirty mark on their pants or the pant and shirt combo doesn’t match but what we should be seeing is the glow in their eyes, their special walk, the independence and confidence they gained in putting that missmatched onsomble together. So the next time your child walks into the room ask him or her how did you ever get so lucky to have a great kid like them. Brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it. God Bless our time with our little ones.
Kyla
Those were great ideas. I used to put notes in my childs lunch when she started school. I also drew different funny faces. The idea of putting the note in her lunch, was to let her know I was with her even if she could not see me. It worked and all of her classmates loved the face I drew. They began to seek out my childs lunch to see what I had drawn. It made her feel very supported and secure because, her classmates began to huddle around her, the way I used to hold her. So she felt loved. It’s nice to see that in your list.
I do give mine choices when she dresses, or wants a snack, sometimes it does not run smoothly because she will say I don’t want either one..LOL
The one on the list that I will add to what I already do is giving a gift for no reason, but something that really fits who she his, her unique personality. And that way she knows I hear her. I think wrapping is very important and should be as beautiful as what is inside the package.
Thanks Ellen for the article and thanks for all the responses from everyone else.
Love,
Sirena
Another very good series of books is the set of “Love and Logic” materials by Jim Fay. I went to a seminar with him a few years ago, sponsored by my children’s school, and it was excellent. Fay’s approach is to offer lots of love, paired with logical and consistent consequences. I recommend his books highly.
Thks Ellen for the wonderful job ure doing for all mothers. You reap what u sow ,so true but one seldom realizes when it comes to his kids.We r not there when our kids need us and then later on we expect wonders from them. In the period of ignorance history speaks that fathers would bury their daughters alive and they did this out of love ’cause it use to be the traditions those days. It’s so hard for people of this generation to believe in this, BUT don’t be surprised we too r burying r children alive! YES, out of love. R we not burying our children with all the materialistic things when it ought to be replaced with just simple LOVE which again demands giving qlity time to them.Time, Money & resources r the three things which r given away to people u care the most. Noone ever would wish at his death bed that he’d spent more time at his office or a woman wishing that she had more time cleaning the house.On the contrary the first ever wish that could come to a dying person would be wish i had spent more time with my fly especially my kids. Thus if we value our fly much then i think we should allocate time to them rather than bury them in values alien to their soul and then call it love.
One contribution rather a deposit twrds the child’s emotional bk a/c would be to fill it with the language of ‘ME’ RATHER THAN ‘U’.
Avoid using sentences that say if U did this U will suffer or U will fall into trouble I don’t care, the right way would be, if my sweet heart did this then his mother would be terribly hurt or the apple of my eye can never do such a thing.
Thks.
Azmet
What you wrote is true. I have done some of these but I didn’t realize the impact it will have. I have taken my daughter to surprise place. I don’t tell her where we are going that it is a surprise. She loves it when I do that. It may be someplace simple like the park or movie or just to get ice cream. Not anything expensive but just something to say I love you.
This article is agreat reminder to me as I have 2 adult children and a teenager. As children get more independant and develop their own lives it is so important to keep a check on their emotonal reserve. Just showing them affection will often time star filling up that “bank account” And teens don’t want you slobbering kisses all over them like when thy were little, but an encouraging touch on the shoulder or rubbing their back often times will do the trick.
Another thing we do often in our home is eat dinner together. It has been a practice for a long time in our family and now we are all in the same house together again, and have different work schedules, we usaully eat together 4 nights a week. And it warms my heart as the mom to sit back and watch them interact with each other. It really fills my “bank account” to see everyone talking, laughing and telling stories. A priceless treasure, as a result of lifelong investing.
A couple of nights, when I was tucking my children in, I realized that the day had been so rushed getting to school, appts, errands, etc., that I had not had any true moments of connection with the kids.
So, I started a nightly ritual – when I tuck the kids in, I tell each “My favorite part of the day with ___ is _____”. At dinner time, if I realize I don’t have something to say to each child, I make a point of fitting in some special time with that child, so I will have a favorite part of the day to mention that night.
I also have them tell me their favorite parts of the day – and I usually list off all the potential things I can think of that might be that favorite thing. I feel like this lets them know that I have been paying attention and care about what they have been doing. And, I try to listen attentively, so they know I am interested in what they have to say.
Even if I haven’t been able to pull off the neat ideas you mention, I love having our day and tuck ins end on a happy and loving note.
This is a great article. My middle daughter has been acting up quite a bit lately – obviously seeking the negative attention syndrome. I will now start making “deposits”, hopefully in the right direction. Thankyou for this and the other letter too.
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This reminds me of the “The Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children” . I fill my kids emotional bank by mostly asking them what I want them to do rather that saying “No” or what I don’t want them to do. This gets tricky because it is just not very natural to say… “Please chew your food and swallow first and then share your thoughts”… rather than “Don’t talk w/ you mouth full” They respond much better!!!
I appreciate the comment about chosing the wording about things like chewing and swallowing before sharing your thoughts. That’s been one of the very issues we’ve been dealing with as well as having to constantly remind them about chewing with their mouth open. At least I don’t feel alone in the situation reading about someone else being in that as well and seeing a better way of dealing with it. Now I just need prayers that I will remember and have patience to carry through with it. Sue
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My best tip: look at your habits, and instead of trying to change them (very hard and takes time) try to adapt them so that they support what you want to achieve. As a mum of four I never seem to have the time i would like to spend individually with each child, but I noticed that I DO manage to arrange appts like dentist or doctor, clubs, haircuts whatever – they all seem to get done, as well as meals get cooked, dishes get washed. So when I am feeling pressed for time to spend with my family, instead of trying to be MORE efficient, I use these appts and around each of these I try and involve ONE child – aiming for “special time” rather than efficiency. So, for example, instead of taking them all to the dentist at the same time, I take them each out of school for an individual appt – then I get to spend the time with them on their own, and maybe that afternoon we share a burger at McDonalds, or shop, or swim, whatever their favourite thing is to do aswell. I do think all together time is important too, but that can be evenings in front of the TV.
Ellen, I love every thing about your site. I have being at my therapist, this afternoon, to find a way to help my diabetic, 11 years old, boy with his anger and emotional behavior, this afternoon. After an hour of talking, I left her office with tears rolling down my cheeks and totally lost and discouraged more than ever.
After browsing you web site for hours, for the first time, I got excited and felt like there is hope for us, THANK YOU!! The Emotional Bank Account sounds a better therapy than the one I have being going to.
Please if you have any suggestion or ideas; send it my way.
Amanda thanks for the book recommendation. I can’t wait to get it.