Comments on: A Child’s Emotional Bank Account

By: Emily

Emily — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:40:21 +0000

FYI — Another author who mentions this concept is Willard Harley, who talks about the “Love Bank”… his website is http://www.marriagebuilders.com. I think he first mentioned it in his “His Needs, Her Needs” book in the mid-80s, which is basically the same idea as the Love Language book… everyone has different needs, and if you are aware of your spouses’ needs, you will be able to make “larger” deposits into the love bank with less effort.

By: AV

AV — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:42:56 +0000

Very nice article! Thanks for this!

By: michelle

michelle — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:39:47 +0000

Love the ideas— I have gotten two bits of advice– one– make sure your face lights up when they enter the room and—– tell them you could never live without them ( a friend told me this and she got this advice from a psychologist because her daughter wanted to commit suicide after her father died)

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By: Trusha

Trusha — Tue, 13 May 2008 13:45:59 +0000

Investing in you child is a wonderful thing. We need a generation of confident, secure and well balanced young people.I start each day with my teenage daughter telling her that she is “blessed and highly favored”. A reminder to her of God’s greatness and love.
A wonderful book for parents to read is “Raising Kids For True Greatness” by Dr.Tim Kimmel.

By: christopher

christopher — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:06:58 +0000

Where are all the men who raise small souls, who seem to not have anything to say about this emotional bank account issue?

I cant believe they are all absent, neither can I believe that non of them are practicing this.

So where are you guys?!!

By: Jackie

Jackie — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:30:31 +0000

While my boys are both adults now, when they were growing up I did just about everything listed there. They are both happy, well adjusted, productive young men. The one thing I strongly suggest is that you find one on one time with your children. This can be something as simple as taking a walk together, story time, cooking etc. I found these to be ways to keep the lines of communication open. And even now my youngest son and I would have breakfast every Thursday to sit and talk and catch up on each others lives. Now that he is in the Navy I miss those Thursday breakfasts. Now his older brother is starting to come by on Thursday mornings since his brother left. Sometimes he had joined us in the past, but he usually had to open the store and couldn’t join us too often. When he could it was a double treat. I also kept my home open to their friends growing up. I got to know them as well as my own kids. Never ever let them go to bed with out a big hug and and I love you-no matter how big they think they are!!! They secretly really love it!

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By: Therese

Therese — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 02:56:53 +0000

As a mother of 3 kids with ADD (the oldest (21)developmentally disabled, the youngest (11) with significant learning disabilities but very bright; the middle child (16) an average student in elementary/middle school and now an 11th grade honors student) I think the biggest gift we can give them is to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we BELIEVE in them. They all understand that we are all “gifted” at something and “good” at varying things, while perhaps not so good at others. We do our best to teach them that once they realize which are their God-given gifts, they are expected to use those gifts to make this world a better place.

And, as so many good parents have already written, we tell them that we love them often every day, that we thank God for each of them, and we INSIST on hugs and kisses often (which they really don’t fight off much!)

By: Mulu Getachew-Nelson

Mulu Getachew-Nelson — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 05:13:54 +0000

Ellen, I love every thing about your site. I have being at my therapist, this afternoon, to find a way to help my diabetic, 11 years old, boy with his anger and emotional behavior, this afternoon. After an hour of talking, I left her office with tears rolling down my cheeks and totally lost and discouraged more than ever.
After browsing you web site for hours, for the first time, I got excited and felt like there is hope for us, THANK YOU!! The Emotional Bank Account sounds a better therapy than the one I have being going to.
Please if you have any suggestion or ideas; send it my way.

Amanda thanks for the book recommendation. I can’t wait to get it.

By: Esther

Esther — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 14:10:28 +0000

My best tip: look at your habits, and instead of trying to change them (very hard and takes time) try to adapt them so that they support what you want to achieve. As a mum of four I never seem to have the time i would like to spend individually with each child, but I noticed that I DO manage to arrange appts like dentist or doctor, clubs, haircuts whatever – they all seem to get done, as well as meals get cooked, dishes get washed. So when I am feeling pressed for time to spend with my family, instead of trying to be MORE efficient, I use these appts and around each of these I try and involve ONE child – aiming for “special time” rather than efficiency. So, for example, instead of taking them all to the dentist at the same time, I take them each out of school for an individual appt – then I get to spend the time with them on their own, and maybe that afternoon we share a burger at McDonalds, or shop, or swim, whatever their favourite thing is to do aswell. I do think all together time is important too, but that can be evenings in front of the TV.

By: Susan Gallant

Susan Gallant — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:20:14 +0000

I appreciate the comment about chosing the wording about things like chewing and swallowing before sharing your thoughts. That’s been one of the very issues we’ve been dealing with as well as having to constantly remind them about chewing with their mouth open. At least I don’t feel alone in the situation reading about someone else being in that as well and seeing a better way of dealing with it. Now I just need prayers that I will remember and have patience to carry through with it. Sue
http://www.itvventures.com/suegallant
http://www.youravon.com/sgallant

By: Jessica W.

Jessica W. — Sun, 27 May 2007 06:14:53 +0000

This reminds me of the “The Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children” . I fill my kids emotional bank by mostly asking them what I want them to do rather that saying “No” or what I don’t want them to do. This gets tricky because it is just not very natural to say… “Please chew your food and swallow first and then share your thoughts”… rather than “Don’t talk w/ you mouth full” They respond much better!!!

By: erin

erin — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:30:20 +0000

This is a great article. My middle daughter has been acting up quite a bit lately – obviously seeking the negative attention syndrome. I will now start making “deposits”, hopefully in the right direction. Thankyou for this and the other letter too.
http://www.2africanart.com

By: Julie

Julie — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 20:18:56 +0000

A couple of nights, when I was tucking my children in, I realized that the day had been so rushed getting to school, appts, errands, etc., that I had not had any true moments of connection with the kids.

So, I started a nightly ritual – when I tuck the kids in, I tell each “My favorite part of the day with ___ is _____”. At dinner time, if I realize I don’t have something to say to each child, I make a point of fitting in some special time with that child, so I will have a favorite part of the day to mention that night.

I also have them tell me their favorite parts of the day – and I usually list off all the potential things I can think of that might be that favorite thing. I feel like this lets them know that I have been paying attention and care about what they have been doing. And, I try to listen attentively, so they know I am interested in what they have to say.

Even if I haven’t been able to pull off the neat ideas you mention, I love having our day and tuck ins end on a happy and loving note.

By: Dawn Henderson

Dawn Henderson — Sun, 04 Mar 2007 12:34:38 +0000

This article is agreat reminder to me as I have 2 adult children and a teenager. As children get more independant and develop their own lives it is so important to keep a check on their emotonal reserve. Just showing them affection will often time star filling up that “bank account” And teens don’t want you slobbering kisses all over them like when thy were little, but an encouraging touch on the shoulder or rubbing their back often times will do the trick.
Another thing we do often in our home is eat dinner together. It has been a practice for a long time in our family and now we are all in the same house together again, and have different work schedules, we usaully eat together 4 nights a week. And it warms my heart as the mom to sit back and watch them interact with each other. It really fills my “bank account” to see everyone talking, laughing and telling stories. A priceless treasure, as a result of lifelong investing.

By: Rebekah Osman

Rebekah Osman — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 15:17:29 +0000

What you wrote is true. I have done some of these but I didn’t realize the impact it will have. I have taken my daughter to surprise place. I don’t tell her where we are going that it is a surprise. She loves it when I do that. It may be someplace simple like the park or movie or just to get ice cream. Not anything expensive but just something to say I love you.

By: Azmet Rafik

Azmet Rafik — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 10:39:34 +0000

Thks Ellen for the wonderful job ure doing for all mothers. You reap what u sow ,so true but one seldom realizes when it comes to his kids.We r not there when our kids need us and then later on we expect wonders from them. In the period of ignorance history speaks that fathers would bury their daughters alive and they did this out of love ’cause it use to be the traditions those days. It’s so hard for people of this generation to believe in this, BUT don’t be surprised we too r burying r children alive! YES, out of love. R we not burying our children with all the materialistic things when it ought to be replaced with just simple LOVE which again demands giving qlity time to them.Time, Money & resources r the three things which r given away to people u care the most. Noone ever would wish at his death bed that he’d spent more time at his office or a woman wishing that she had more time cleaning the house.On the contrary the first ever wish that could come to a dying person would be wish i had spent more time with my fly especially my kids. Thus if we value our fly much then i think we should allocate time to them rather than bury them in values alien to their soul and then call it love.
One contribution rather a deposit twrds the child’s emotional bk a/c would be to fill it with the language of ‘ME’ RATHER THAN ‘U’.
Avoid using sentences that say if U did this U will suffer or U will fall into trouble I don’t care, the right way would be, if my sweet heart did this then his mother would be terribly hurt or the apple of my eye can never do such a thing.
Thks.
Azmet

By: Ginny Ruths

Ginny Ruths — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 06:01:26 +0000

Another very good series of books is the set of “Love and Logic” materials by Jim Fay. I went to a seminar with him a few years ago, sponsored by my children’s school, and it was excellent. Fay’s approach is to offer lots of love, paired with logical and consistent consequences. I recommend his books highly.

By: Sirena

Sirena — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 12:00:24 +0000

Those were great ideas. I used to put notes in my childs lunch when she started school. I also drew different funny faces. The idea of putting the note in her lunch, was to let her know I was with her even if she could not see me. It worked and all of her classmates loved the face I drew. They began to seek out my childs lunch to see what I had drawn. It made her feel very supported and secure because, her classmates began to huddle around her, the way I used to hold her. So she felt loved. It’s nice to see that in your list.

I do give mine choices when she dresses, or wants a snack, sometimes it does not run smoothly because she will say I don’t want either one..LOL

The one on the list that I will add to what I already do is giving a gift for no reason, but something that really fits who she his, her unique personality. And that way she knows I hear her. I think wrapping is very important and should be as beautiful as what is inside the package.

Thanks Ellen for the article and thanks for all the responses from everyone else.

Love,
Sirena

By: Kyla

Kyla — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 21:25:22 +0000

Once I was watching an Oprah (many years ago before I was a mother) and she asked a question that stuck in my head…she asked when your child walks in the room what is the first thing you think about…Pause…she said most parents think about the dirty mark on their pants or the pant and shirt combo doesn’t match but what we should be seeing is the glow in their eyes, their special walk, the independence and confidence they gained in putting that missmatched onsomble together. So the next time your child walks into the room ask him or her how did you ever get so lucky to have a great kid like them. Brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it. God Bless our time with our little ones.

Kyla

By: Jessica

Jessica — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 01:31:28 +0000

I think the hardest one to follow is believing in my child’s ideas. I have such a hard time walking the line of reality and I fear sometimes I let him get too out there. But, honestly, one day he will discover that peanut butter does not make the most efficient glue.

By: Ann

Ann — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 14:57:19 +0000

To Dodie with the problematic 22-y.o. daughter: there seems to be an analogy between your 22-y.o. and my 5-y.o. We had behavior problems, until thankfully a preschool teacher with experience of raising 5 strong-willed kids talked to us.
She helped us see that we were doing too much talking, giving too many warnings without taking action.

Since we started taking away privileges (things he likes to do: TV time for the day, time with the dog, losing bedtime stories for the night) for misbehavior either with one warning or without warning, things have gotten considerably better. We make it clear that his behavior is the cause and we are sad when he misbehaves and we have to take away those things.

It is not always easy to follow through and take away the privileges, but we owe it to him to teach him to manage his behavior and be pleasant for us to be around, as well as anyone around him in public, school, etc. As far as respect, we’ve told him from day one that he is to honor his father and mother because that is what God wants and we do not allow otherwise. We do things as a family, and started from very young age having him help with bringing his own laundry basket on wash day, helping clear his plate after meals, loading/unloading the dishwasher, etc. so we can have more time to do things together after work is done. He has become a great helper, and takes pride in doing so.

Maybe a long-winded answer, but my opinion is that you should put your money where your mouth is with your daughter. You’ve warned, had meetings, given chance after chance. She basically feels you won’t do anything or she’d change her ways.
Time for some tough love. Stop warning and tell her she has to move out. Be specific, give a deadline/date and stick to it, no matter how much it hurts, and then don’t keep bailing her out once she is out of the house. Some day she will understand and appreciate.
Good luck.

By: Amanda R

Amanda R — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 20:08:58 +0000

I recently read a book called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. (This was a very eye-opening book.) In it, he discusses the fact that each person has his or her own “love language” or currency for the emotional account. The concept you covered in this article is great, but what comes to mind is this book. The book also teaches that if you are showing love in your language and not the recipient’s they might not be getting the full effects of the deposit you are attempting to make. He wrote a similar book geared toward parents and children which I have not read, but plan to. The book I read dealt with romantic relationships, but the ideas apply in all areas. Just thought I’d share this with you all.

By: Carla

Carla — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 16:12:21 +0000

Theresa…I love the hug meter thing….I’m totally going to use that!

Great Article Ellen…..very timely for me!

Thanks!