If you are informing your child that it’s time to put the toy down and leave the house, and he starts to throw a fit, instead of saying, “Too bad! It’s time to go!” it would be better to say, “You’d like to play with your truck longer, wouldn’t you?” (He answers tearfully, “Uh huh.”) “I know it’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun, but we do need to get going, so would you like to bring your truck with you in the car?” OR “…so how about we make sure to play with trucks some more as soon as we get back?”

I have used this very same discipline strategy with my son since he was barely walking (he’s now almost 5), and it works beautifully. Yes, there are times where he is really disappointed and lets us know it loud and clear. It can be frustrating, but even as I lead him to the car (or to bed, or wherever) while he’s carrying on, I keep repeating, “I know you’d rather stay here and play. It’s hard sometimes when we don’t get what we want.” or similar phrases.

Far more often than not, all he wants is for me to understand his point of view. Once I empathize with him and let him know that I understand his feelings, he is very compliant. It may take a considerable mindset shift for many parents to do this instead of, “You’d better do X and Y by the time I count to three!!!!!”, but I really encourage everyone to keep working at it–it will be very, very worth it! Remember that discipline is not about punishment; it’s about teaching your child how to interact with others.

I should mention that I am also an early-childhood music educator (ages 0 to 8), and I have used this type of strategy with my students for over 9 years with excellent results. I have also worked with elementary and middle school kids at camps for over 11 years and, yes, it was effective with them, as well.

But I think the author was over dramatic in her assessment of the counting technique.
I don’t ‘count’ very often…..I have on a number of times…..and at the end of counting….the consequence is SIMPLY a time out equal to the childs age on the steps in the middle of our living room. (an alternative consequence would be a favorite toy removed for a short time (ie the rest of the day, or a full day) and that was only done one or 2 times. (My child is now 5).

To act like this type of technique is ‘bullying’ or teaching children that if you are bigger or strong, you can just bully to get your way is absurd and rediculous.
As one poster said above, the counting just gives a child a chance to ‘think about his actions and make the right choice’ or else there will be a consequence….which in many cases, is a simple time out for a few minutes. Hardly a big, scarey,and inappropriately threatening consequence.

Being a child is more complex than ever these days. Children are subject to tremendous stresses unheard of in our day, with the fast, almost schizophrenic pace of 21st century life. It’s up to us parents and grandparents to keep on our toes so that we can provide loving support… that really works!

Thanks, Ellen, for a thoughtful and timely article.

I think one of the key points you made was about whether we would speak to our spouse or business associate the same way we might count to our kids. Even if it takes extra time, I think we would give the adult the opportunity to express a different opinion and then try to come to consensus. It would be inappropriate not to, and we would soon see the consequences of our own poor behavior!

People think this is different with our children, because they’re “only” children, and we are the older and wiser adults; however, if you see families that already function as described in this article, you’ll see that children who are honored learn to honor others and naturally respect their parents all the more for being heard. True respect cannot be commanded, but fear can. Stop and think – how do you feel about people who treat you the way you treat your children?

Studies show that over 80% of our communication is nonverbal. That being said, we can watch 2 different parents count; one in an impatient, totalitarian tone, while the other uses a fun, directional tone. And the first parent in this example will be disconnecting from her child through the counting, while the second parent here will actually be connecting to her child and utilizing the counting as a tool to demonstrate that a transition is coming up- rather than a threat of something horrid around the corner.

Yes the underlying emotion has always to be in sync with .. the child has so little control over his life show him some understanding and respect even when he is being made to do something he does not like or something that can’t be put away for later

The idea of understanding children’s needs and emotions comes before telling them what to do. When children feel connected to a parent, then they are happy to be helpful and cooperative.

When children feel disconnected from parents, that is when a lack of discipline and behavior problems manifest themselves.

Sometimes the disconnect is unavoidable: taking care of an ill parent, multiple responsibilities juggling schooling and jobs, and very little connection time is left for the child. However, this is a tragic situation if it persists for some time, as kids’ primary need is to feel attached to at least one caregiver.

This is not to say that children who feel connected to a parent will never act out: they will- however, they are generally in a more cooperative mode than children who feel disconnected.

I hope this is helpful; it is a fundamental shift in the way we view uncooperative behavior.

The concepts of this article strengthen the connection between parent and child. Obviously, it’s necessary on most days to get our children to bed and to school at reasonable times. Planning extra time into rituals like going to bed and waking up will go a long way to easing the stress. If you have planned on 15 minutes for brushing teeth, getting into pajamas, and tucking your daughter into bed, and then she stretches that time into 30 minutes- that can be maddening. However, if you plan on 60 minutes for all these activities, and throw in some stories or other “treats”, then when she dawdles, you are better able to take it in stride. The same concept goes for the morning, and it requires waking up 30 or 60 minutes earlier.

Being rushed by a parent means being bossed, which entails a loss of connection, even if it is necessary for the structure of the day. Building lots of extra time into routines will shift the dynamic form “rushing your daughter into bed/ or out the door” to connecting with her while engaging in end-of-day or start-of-day family rituals- doesn’t that sound more harmonious?

This concept is what led me to write Creaing Hours, as I feel so strongly about this idea: Children that are rushed are denied a healthy attachment to their parents. Yet, in this day and age, we all have so much on our plates that it is difficult to slow down, hence the value of time-saving tips and techniques.

Thus, it is natural to feel badly about past mistakes.

However, we cannot be full of regret for the things we did not know in the past. We did our best with the knowledge and skills that we had, just as our parents did their best with the tools they had.

Guilt will only slow us down. Let us commit (and I’m talking to myself here!) to focusing on today and the future, not beating ourselves up about the past. “Today is the beginning of the rest of our lives!”

If my child is resisting sitting down in the car, and he must be buckled into his car-seat now, or we’ll miss our flight, then counting and high-pressure is certainly appropriate.

On the other hand, the basis of this article is that on a day-to-day basis, it is wise to look beyond our kids’ actions and seek to understand their motives in order to foster greater connection.

Sometimes a child is hungry, tired, overstimulated. Sometimes she is lonely, missing someone, or mourning something like a lost toy. The key is to realize that children’s behavior is never about “challenging authority” just for the sake of being challenging. There is always a deeper reason. As long as circumstances allow, delving to find the reason will make for a stronger parent-child bond and emotionally healthier kids.

However, as I mentioned regarding being late for something important, or when safety issues are involved (don’t ride your bike in middle of a busy street!), then communication in a more forceful manner IS appropriate. Yet, if we are honest with ourselves, we will find that 95% of the time that we think in the moment that yelling and/or counting is called for, connection and understanding are truly healthier ways to deal with the situation. And, as parents, (and I struggle with this), it is our responsibility to leave extra time for important appointments so that our lives with our kids does not pass in a mad rush, and there is that extra leeway and time to connect and understand rather than be forceful.

However, I disagree that all conflict is a result of conflicting “needs”. There is a difference between a need and a want. We may want many things, both as children and as adults, but that does not mean that we are entitled to receive them. Selfishness is a real character issue for people of all issues. In addition, we often want things that are in oppostiion to what we actually need. Children are not always adept at telling the difference and often need parents to help them make those judgement calls. For example, my child definitely challenges me at bedtime, not because he “needs” to keep playing, but because he “wants” to keep playing and “needs” to get a good night’s sleep. Likewise, he may want a candy bar or a new video game, but he needs to eat healthy foods and save his money. It is my job as a parent to help him learn how to make the best choices….which are often not in alignmnet with his impulses.