Comments for Raising Small Souls

Comment on Quality Time With Children by Ellen C. Braun

Ellen C. Braun — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 23:58:16 +0000

Hi Breda,

The answer to your question must depend on the circumstances surrounding your story. Are you on speaking terms? Do you see each other regularly? Are there ongoing arguments, or just a cold distance between you?

I’d start with total transparency by saying, “Look, I know things have been rocky, and I want to apologize for the way I’ve acted in the past, and I’d like to make some positive changes. How about if we start by going somewhere you like/ treating you to something special so that we can spend some time together in a neutral environment like a museum, park, sporting event?” Depending on the circumstances, you may want to write a letter and then follow up with a phone call.

Comment on Quality Time With Children by Breda

Breda — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:33:31 +0000

What advice do you have for parents whose child/ren are now adults with a long history of disconnect?

Comment on Quality Time With Children by Ellen C. Braun

Ellen C. Braun — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:44:45 +0000

Hello Trish,

I see where you are coming from in this post, however both quality and quantity are integral to children’s development. The point of this article is to demonstrate that quality time is not just time spent together- it is time spent together where we feel tuned-into each other’s feelings, in which case we want to meet the other person’s needs and desires, which proactively eliminates so many “acting out” behaviors!

Comment on Quality Time With Children by Trish Arny

Trish Arny — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 02:10:48 +0000

Gosh, a whole 10 minutes of “quality connecting time”? Wow, a teacher giving 10 minutes “quality connecting time” with my child – what about the rest of the day? Or a lawyer giving you 10 minutes of “quality connecting time”. Would you really believe in that attorney enough to agree to pay his full amount if he said that his 10 minutes were worth an hour of another equally qualified lawyer’s time? Quality time means nothing to children. Why do you have kids if you truly believe that is sufficient? Children need quantity, too. I had foster kids way too long to believe that the child would rather have 10 minutes “quality time” with me than to spend all day with their parents, no matter how lousy they were. Parents these days do their kids a disservice when they think that 10 minutes “quality connecting time” is good enough. I haven’t read Pam’s book, and maybe I should before I comment, but the sentence “some days our quality time maybe less than 10 minutes due to circumstances beyond our control” is pathetic, short of death or dying.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Paula

Paula — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:42:07 +0000

I have four teenagers, and one younger daughter. My son (age 13) was adopted 2 years ago. My other kids behave really well b’c we did put in all the hard work when they were younger. I trust all of my other kids, but our adopted son is a totally different story. What are some practical ways I can give him opportunities to earn trust and privileges? We have let him already have lots of natural consequences, but it doesn’t work like our other kids. I know that he is emotionally much younger, but it’s hard when he’s 5′7″ and doesn’t follow our rules. Any suggestions?

Comment on Quality Time With Children by Jackie

Jackie — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:19:22 +0000

This question is for Rebecca.Why in the world would you have to ask permission from your husband to buy this great book?! Are you still living in the dark ages where men think they are the dominant creature??? If you want this book to give you peace of mind and help you in your quest for a calmer and happier relationship with your child,then for heaven’s sake,get it! Please don’t be another mousy woman who has to ask “PERMISSION” from her husband every time she turns around. I had a wonderful sweet neighbor who had a domineering husband. GOD!, how I hated that jerk! My husband and I always bought stuff we felt would be helpful in our daily lives. We never had to ask each other for”permission” Please DO NOT let him use the Perverbial “ball and chain” on you.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Alan Carson

Alan Carson — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 00:53:12 +0000

Kaye: I would like to help you, but numerous parenting behaviors interact to shape who our child becomes. How does a child become a defiant, potentially violent teen? Granted, some teens are oppositional, but I have had the privilege of meeting the greatest teens on the face of the earth– and remain friends with some of them as they grew into adulthood. Our parenting decisions shape our kids; for example:
* did we micromanage them when they were young?
* did we allow them to experience failure when they were young, when the consequences
were not meaningful?
* did we show them respect?
* did we raise them to understand that when you make poor choices, things won’t work out
for you
* were we comfortable consequencing them?
* did we punish or did we discipline?
* did we positively shape their self-concept and self-worth?
The list goes on and on. But how did we get to where we are today?

Getting a 17-year old to respect you and your authority is a monumental task. Attempting to control an older teen will result in a power struggle, and power struggles always end in a lose-lose. So what do we do? At this late stage I think we:
1) State our expectations; if your son ignores you, say “I wouldn’t do that if I were
you.” And he has to pay a price if he chooses to be uncooperative.
2) Establish a boundary; ex. “We have no intentions of paying for college– we believe
we’d be throwing our money away. If you want to go to college, that’s your choice, but
you’ll take out loans. If you shape up and fly straight, we’ll gladly help you pay
off your loans.”
3) Control what we can control: we control paying for car insurance, signing permission
slips, writing excuses for school, etc.
4) Stop trying to control our older teen’s decisions. In the case of the school paper,
I’d say, “What’s your plan for getting the paper done.”– end of story.
5) When our son wants something– which they always do, the answer is “No, not until you
show us respect.”

In this format I’ve tried to throw out ideas. When you said “guilty of giving chances,” I was thinking– “We don’t give chances, they earn chances. My heart goes out to you– who wants to battle daily with our child?

Alan

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Kaye

Kaye — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 17:52:38 +0000

I have given my 17 year old son every opportunity to show his responsibility. Yet, he lies, he drinks, has terrible grades; and he uses pot. He refuses to accept our very kind and loving guidance and prayers. We have done everything in giving him chance after chance to regain our trust saying exactly what you are saying to communicate. He falls short every time and in the last episode of us trying to get him to do an important paper so that he could go to a friend’s house, he threatened to hit his father and physically injured my arm and face. Then, I found out (as I have to make sure he is safe) that the place he had asked to go was an unsupervised party planned with girls and booze! Help me, as I would love to think the above article works, but my husband and I could be guilty of nothing more that loving too much and giving too many chances. My husband and I live a very moral life no drinking and we are home with our children always–we are completely dedicated to their care.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Glenda Rodrigues

Glenda Rodrigues — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:59:25 +0000

Point no.1 is so true and so effective. A good practical hint to those of us parents who are feeling frustrated.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Alan Carson

Alan Carson — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 13:22:28 +0000

Christina, I believe in tough love. When I discussed “kids want freedom” in #7 above, I could have also added that they must earn their freedom by making good decisions. When they make good decisions, we give them more freedom. If they make poor decisions, we have conversations with them and they need to earn freedom back. They just don’t get to go out and put themselves in harm’s way. It is our job to keep our kids safe. Our kids have to demonstrate to us that they will make good decisions. They earn privileges— but it is counterproductive to address this issue in a way that communicates “I don’t trust you.” We can say: “You haven’t demonstrated to me yet that you are able to handle this responsibility. Start making better choices and then we’ll talk.” Or— “Look, Josie, when I was your age I wanted to do things too. I’m with you on this. But I refuse to spend all night worrying about you. You created this problem and you need to fix it. Show me you are worthy of being trusted and we’ll have a win-win. I will trust you and you get to do more of the things you want to do.” Alan

Comment on Children’s Emotional Needs by Marya

Marya — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:20:08 +0000

And to think we were taught that the “that’s one… that’s two…” model was wise and reasonable. (Timbra, I do like your twist on that method – the “3″ being you make the choice!)

Being a child is more complex than ever these days. Children are subject to tremendous stresses unheard of in our day, with the fast, almost schizophrenic pace of 21st century life. It’s up to us parents and grandparents to keep on our toes so that we can provide loving support… that really works!

Thanks, Ellen, for a thoughtful and timely article.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Chana

Chana — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 06:47:35 +0000

Again, great article. I’m trying to work on that “trusting” thing…

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by anju

anju — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:32:59 +0000

with my two boys just entering their teens, this is a gr8 guide line, i’m happy i read it on time.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by jannie

jannie — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:22:47 +0000

I have been teaching teenagers for close on 40 years and raised 3 of my own, who thankfully are not teens anymore. Daddy got brains when they turned 21. I now head a secondary school and I find myself counselling parents more often than my students. I tell my parents that my own daughters to this day will tell you that the worst thing I said to them when they were growing up was’I trust you’. But it worked because they knew that if they messed up I would be disappointed but they knew that I was there for them because of a parent’s unconditional love. I always told them that if they messed up I was the first to know.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Christina

Christina — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 02:48:05 +0000

This advice may work for some teens, but I have a teen, who if I gave her more freedom, she would definately take advantage. She has major anger issues and is in counseling and I am praying and believing God for a heart transplant for my daughter. This may work for some, but not all teens, has anyone ever heard of tough love?

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Alan Carson

Alan Carson — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 02:25:32 +0000

Jocelyn: Your question deserves its own article, as it is a multi-layered issue. But I am, “For real,” and consider lying to be unacceptable. Stay tuned!

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by jean clayton

jean clayton — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 01:57:28 +0000

Number 6 was especially helpful, as my sixteen-year old grandson spends a lot of time with me, and although I try to be tactful, he seems critical of so much I say, even when he seems to want help. They’re all great tips, and I passed the site on to his parents. I love seeing him develop, but sometimes relating is like flying through an asteroid field, and I want to do it right! Thanks…

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Jocelyn

Jocelyn — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 01:02:58 +0000

These are good pointers – but to trust teens absolutely – are you for real? My teens lie as easy as the wind blows, and I remember lying to my parents. Would be nice if you could speak about what to do when you know they are lying right to your face….??? Then what! Thanks!

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Lisa Marie Mary

Lisa Marie Mary — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:29:53 +0000

I agree that your timing is awesome – been having a few issues with one of my three teens, as well! There are some really great points here – thank you, Ellen!!

Comment on Children’s Emotional Needs by Trina

Trina — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:24:31 +0000

I have used this ‘counting up’ method in the past but had forgotten about it. But thanks to your comment Su I tried this again and it worked miracles! My 5-year-old and 3-year-old daughters kept looking for more things to do before the numbers got too high! Bath and bedtime has never been so quick and so painless! Thank you!

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by gilda

gilda — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:18:19 +0000

Wow, this is good stuff! My son is almost eighteen, and even though he has Down syndrome, all of these points resonate! Thank you; I am bookmarking this page! I hope I remember to refer back to it . . . :O

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by candyce

candyce — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:26:11 +0000

Thank you. You put things nicely and concisely. Your tips are very practical and can be applied immediately.

Comment on Parenting Teenagers by Nikki

Nikki — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 19:46:43 +0000

Thank you for this article- it came at a really great time- I was just feeling so badly about how my son and I argued this morning. This has concrete suggestions and I’m going to print it out and hang it at my bathroom mirror, as these morning arguments have been getting too frequent. Thanks.

Nikki S, NY

Comment on Children’s Emotional Needs by Timbra

Timbra — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 05:17:07 +0000

The article was wonderful. I agree with many parents that 123 works in some situations. For instance,when I give my daughter a choice to cooperate and she doesn’t, I can give her 3 seconds to either make a choice, or I make the choice. . . something as simple as putting something away so we can leave the house. She’s THREE. So, if she’s focused on playing, but I need her to be focused on cleaning up, I can say “You can clean it up and if you aren’t able to start cleaning by 3, then I will help you get ready.” Sometimes this may even fall more in the category of the time negotiation, just a shorter time frame than five minutes, “you need to start cleaning up by the time I count to three.” Overall, we do follow these concepts in our home, I especially liked the information or ideas on older siblings showing understanding to youngers, we work on this even now with an almost 4yo and a 6m old, we say “thank you” as we take away a toy and offer an alternative toy. . . even when our first was a baby, we practiced this method with her, so we’re just passing it down. Sometimes we’re teaching our older one kindness, and allowing her to be particular about her own possessions and sometimes we’re teaching her safety, taking note of things her sister can’t have, and offering her an alternative that is safe to play with. Thanks for the article, good reminders!

Comment on Children’s Emotional Needs by stephanie

stephanie — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:55:13 +0000

I used to do that sometimes too. “Let’s see if you can get dressed before I get to 20!” I made it a race and she loved it. “Let’s see how many I get to before you can get all your books put up! I bet I’ll get to 15!” We made games and races out of chores.