Comments on: Conflict Resolution http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/ Timeless Parenting Advice for Toddlers through Teenagers Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:14:27 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Pat http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53393 Pat Tue, 02 Feb 2010 23:33:55 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53393 I agree with Jane. I ran a dayhome when my child was 5 months to 5 years and physical aggression was just not an option. I spent much of my day intervening before kids got physical and helping them use words to express themselves and problem solve. So the dishes got piled in the sink, and the laundry got behind (and the vacuuming too!) I didn't care because I was spending my time doing something much more valuable - teaching the children how to deal with conflicting needs and desires. My 6 year old always talks things out with his friends and really doesn't like when kids get physical to solve problems. I agree with Jane. I ran a dayhome when my child was 5 months to 5 years and physical aggression was just not an option. I spent much of my day intervening before kids got physical and helping them use words to express themselves and problem solve. So the dishes got piled in the sink, and the laundry got behind (and the vacuuming too!) I didn’t care because I was spending my time doing something much more valuable – teaching the children how to deal with conflicting needs and desires. My 6 year old always talks things out with his friends and really doesn’t like when kids get physical to solve problems.

]]> By: Ellen C. Braun http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53313 Ellen C. Braun Mon, 25 Jan 2010 21:09:23 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53313 Thanks, I'm going to order it <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000GBA60W?ie=UTF8&tag=womentreprene-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B000GBA60W" rel="nofollow">here</a>! Thanks, I’m going to order it here!

]]> By: Jane http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53289 Jane Tue, 19 Jan 2010 15:50:44 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53289 This is one time where I am not on board with the advice. Allowing children to yell, scream and hit each other is not something I view as a learning tool. I've always taught my children that hurting someone (in any way) is one of the worst things you can do and if it ever happens, even accidently, you are to apologise and put it right as soon as possible. My first son was a very gentle, sensitive soul so this rule worked well. When other children came over they were given the three rules - 1. No screaming, fighting or throwing things. 2. If you need anything (snack, phone) just let me know 3. Have as much fun as you can while here. We never had an occasion where visiting children didn't stick to the rules. Once over at a twin's house we were amazed how they spent the time really pounding each other. When I told the mother I had never seen them act this way, she was amazed ('they fight all the time, I've quit trying to stop them and leave them to sort it out themselves now'). When questioned, the boys said it was because we lived in a 'peaceful' home and they know that I don't like fighting. I have seem homes where younger children are afraid of older siblings because they allow conflicts to escalate into violence. I firmly believe we have to step in and give guidance before it gets to this point. Being allowed to physically hurt another should never happen, at any age. When my daughter was born, she was completely different and as a toddler would scream at us, and bite and pinch and behave in a way that was scary. Gentle persuasion didn't work and we had to be really firm with lots of time outs and removing privileges for this anti-social behaviour to change. If we had let it continue, as an adult, her life would have been very difficult (and lonely!). But at 10 yrs now, she is a sweetheart. She still sometimes loses her temper but instead of lashing out, she takes herself to her room and puts on her audio books and starts modelling with her beeswax (it relaxes her). Her friends have even told me that she tries to break up other children fighting when she is in a group, and that she never says mean things even when someone says something mean to her. I am so proud of her. If we want a peaceful world, it has to start with raising peaceful children in a home where violence and abuse (in any form) has no place. This is one time where I am not on board with the advice. Allowing children to yell, scream and hit each other is not something I view as a learning tool. I’ve always taught my children that hurting someone (in any way) is one of the worst things you can do and if it ever happens, even accidently, you are to apologise and put it right as soon as possible. My first son was a very gentle, sensitive soul so this rule worked well. When other children came over they were given the three rules – 1. No screaming, fighting or throwing things.
2. If you need anything (snack, phone) just let me know
3. Have as much fun as you can while here.
We never had an occasion where visiting children didn’t stick to the rules. Once over at a twin’s house we were amazed how they spent the time really pounding each other. When I told the mother I had never seen them act this way, she was amazed (‘they fight all the time, I’ve quit trying to stop them and leave them to sort it out themselves now’). When questioned, the boys said it was because we lived in a ‘peaceful’ home and they know that I don’t like fighting. I have seem homes where younger children are afraid of older siblings because they allow conflicts to escalate into violence. I firmly believe we have to step in and give guidance before it gets to this point. Being allowed to physically hurt another should never happen, at any age.
When my daughter was born, she was completely different and as a toddler would scream at us, and bite and pinch and behave in a way that was scary. Gentle persuasion didn’t work and we had to be really firm with lots of time outs and removing privileges for this anti-social behaviour to change. If we had let it continue, as an adult, her life would have been very difficult (and lonely!). But at 10 yrs now, she is a sweetheart. She still sometimes loses her temper but instead of lashing out, she takes herself to her room and puts on her audio books and starts modelling with her beeswax (it relaxes her). Her friends have even told me that she tries to break up other children fighting when she is in a group, and that she never says mean things even when someone says something mean to her. I am so proud of her.
If we want a peaceful world, it has to start with raising peaceful children in a home where violence and abuse (in any form) has no place.

]]> By: Cassie http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53288 Cassie Tue, 19 Jan 2010 03:02:25 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53288 Susie's game "Hens & Chicks" is also known as "Mikado", "Booby Trap" and "Squeezed Out" depending on the manufacturer. Susie’s game “Hens & Chicks” is also known as “Mikado”, “Booby Trap” and “Squeezed Out” depending on the manufacturer.

]]> By: Kayla Fay http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53287 Kayla Fay Mon, 18 Jan 2010 23:39:17 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53287 I love this. So many parents resort to having the offending child toss an insincere, "Sorry" toward the victim. Your teaching is spot on! I love this. So many parents resort to having the offending child toss an insincere, “Sorry” toward the victim. Your teaching is spot on!

]]> By: Becky http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53284 Becky Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:33:42 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53284 I have twin boys and I made them go outside when the fighting got loud or unruly. Usually the change in environment solved the problem (wide open spaces). Their "fighting" was often physical as their dad is a wrestling coach. They never hurt each other - they would "tap out" if something was hurting but they did solve a lot of their conflicts this way. They are now healthy, employed adults who still like to wrestle each other. I have twin boys and I made them go outside when the fighting got loud or unruly. Usually the change in environment solved the problem (wide open spaces). Their “fighting” was often physical as their dad is a wrestling coach. They never hurt each other – they would “tap out” if something was hurting but they did solve a lot of their conflicts this way. They are now healthy, employed adults who still like to wrestle each other.

]]> By: Becky http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53283 Becky Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:29:35 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53283 The game sounds a lot like Jenga. The game sounds a lot like Jenga.

]]> By: Ellen C. Braun http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53281 Ellen C. Braun Mon, 18 Jan 2010 16:36:38 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53281 Kim, we all want to shout sometimes!!! Kim, we all want to shout sometimes!!!

]]> By: Ellen C. Braun http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53280 Ellen C. Braun Mon, 18 Jan 2010 16:36:08 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53280 I agree, Raysa, that children have the tools to get along with each other, but we need to coach and remind them to access those tools deep within their hearts! I agree, Raysa, that children have the tools to get along with each other, but we need to coach and remind them to access those tools deep within their hearts!

]]> By: Ellen C. Braun http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-53279 Ellen C. Braun Mon, 18 Jan 2010 16:35:12 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-53279 That sounds like a great game Susie- do you know if it still exists? That sounds like a great game Susie- do you know if it still exists?

]]> By: Nikki http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52086 Nikki Mon, 18 Jan 2010 16:15:35 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52086 Thank you! I just emailed this article to my husband. I feel that this viewpoint, regarding seeing ourselves as translators and as people-skill-teachers in a supportive environment, can truly change the dynamic of our home. Warmly, Nikki, proud mom of four precious small souls Thank you! I just emailed this article to my husband.

I feel that this viewpoint, regarding seeing ourselves as translators and as people-skill-teachers in a supportive environment, can truly change the dynamic of our home.

Warmly,

Nikki, proud mom of four precious small souls

]]> By: Lilly Hern http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52125 Lilly Hern Sun, 17 Jan 2010 23:11:36 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52125 Thank you for this encouraging advice! I now feel more confident when handling my young ones' fighting. Thank you for this encouraging advice! I now feel more confident when handling my young ones’ fighting.

]]> By: kim http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52095 kim Sun, 17 Jan 2010 21:06:19 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52095 Thanks for the great advice.. sometimes i just want to shout Thanks for the great advice.. sometimes i just want to shout

]]> By: Michaela Turner http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52088 Michaela Turner Sun, 17 Jan 2010 18:22:05 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52088 Thank you. Your answer certainly supports children in learning how to resolve conflicts on their own and that is the most important thing. When my child, Grace, age 5, came to me and said, "Luke kicked me!" My response was, "Did you like it?" The answer, of course was, "No." Then I said, "Did you tell him?" And her answer was, "No." "Please go tell him. You can tell him that you didn't like it and please don't do it again. I will stand behind you if you want me to." It was here that I coached Luke, age 7, to apologize. When Gracie said, "That's okay," I coached her with, "It's NOT okay. Tell him 'I accept your apology. Please don't do it again.' Grace said that and Luke got it. After the first few times of modeling this behavior, the siblings were tooled with the responses, and the two began respecting each others' personal space. Highest regards, Michaela Thank you. Your answer certainly supports children in learning how to resolve conflicts on their own and that is the most important thing.
When my child, Grace, age 5, came to me and said, “Luke kicked me!”
My response was, “Did you like it?”
The answer, of course was, “No.”
Then I said, “Did you tell him?”
And her answer was, “No.”
“Please go tell him. You can tell him that you didn’t like it and please don’t do it again. I will stand behind you if you want me to.”
It was here that I coached Luke, age 7, to apologize. When Gracie said, “That’s okay,” I coached her with,
“It’s NOT okay. Tell him ‘I accept your apology. Please don’t do it again.’
Grace said that and Luke got it.
After the first few times of modeling this behavior, the siblings were tooled with the responses, and the two began respecting each others’ personal space.
Highest regards,
Michaela

]]> By: Raysa http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52094 Raysa Sun, 17 Jan 2010 16:59:19 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52094 I do another stage that I find extremely helpful for teaching my three boys to resolve conflicts. Before my intervention is really needed, I stick my head in and just remind them that they know how to work this out. That usually switches them from a fighting mode into a resolution mode. It shows them they have the tools they need to live peacefully. I do another stage that I find extremely helpful for teaching my three boys to resolve conflicts. Before my intervention is really needed, I stick my head in and just remind them that they know how to work this out. That usually switches them from a fighting mode into a resolution mode. It shows them they have the tools they need to live peacefully.

]]> By: rey http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52093 rey Sun, 17 Jan 2010 13:37:39 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52093 thanks a lot for this...very enligthening... thanks a lot for this…very enligthening…

]]> By: Harry Swardling http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52127 Harry Swardling Sun, 17 Jan 2010 06:56:42 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52127 Great advice. I only wish I knew about this column when my own 4 lovable "vilde chayes" were growing up. Somehow they turned out great, each and every one, despite my parental ineptitude. Great advice. I only wish I knew about this column when my own 4 lovable “vilde chayes” were growing up. Somehow they turned out great, each and every one, despite my parental ineptitude.

]]> By: Susie http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52096 Susie Sun, 17 Jan 2010 05:02:04 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52096 The title of this article really caught my eye. While most of my kids are already out of their teenage years, it reminded me of a game they used to play. It was a game from when I was a kid, and involved removing different sized wooden disks from a wooden tray while trying not to make the wooden piece holding it move. Its real name was "Chicks and something or other" but we called it 'Peace and Harmony' because that was MY goal for the game playing time; to preserve a congenial family atmosphere. It worked! The title of this article really caught my eye. While most of my kids are already out of their teenage years, it reminded me of a game they used to play. It was a game from when I was a kid, and involved removing different sized wooden disks from a wooden tray while trying not to make the wooden piece holding it move. Its real name was “Chicks and something or other” but we called it ‘Peace and Harmony’ because that was MY goal for the game playing time; to preserve a congenial family atmosphere. It worked!

]]> By: Ginny http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/conflict-resolution/comment-page-1/#comment-52151 Ginny Thu, 01 Jan 1970 05:00:00 +0000 http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/?p=227#comment-52151 Great respones Michaela ~ I plan to do that myself for my 4 & 6 yr. olds! THANKS! Great respones Michaela ~ I plan to do that myself for my 4 & 6 yr. olds! THANKS!

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