Avoiding Confrontations!
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Conflict Resolution, Self Esteem
“How many times have I told you to do such-and-such?”
It’s the familiar prelude to a power struggle between parent and child.
One of the most common complaints heard from parents is that their children don’t listen to them.
“I have to scream before he will even pay attention to me!” (That child has learned that the parent need not be heeded until a specific decibel has been reached.)
Or:
“I’ve got to tell her at least five times before she’ll do what she’s told!” (This child understands, based upon past experience, which the parent need not be taken seriously until the fifth time.)
Yelling and constant repetition make not a happy home. In fact, they create an atmosphere of strife and confrontation.
Prior to addressing the issue of power struggles, it is important to understand that the manner that a child perceives himself is different from an adult’s personal perspective.
While an average American tourist in a Third World country may be viewed as fabulously wealthy and any adult standing in a preschool class appears big and strong, the reality is that that wealth and strength is only relative to the person’s external trappings.
An emotionally healthy adult is capable of tapping into his inner views and values and respect himself no matter what is goes on in his surroundings.
By contrast, a child has not yet acquired a strong sense of personal identity and esteem. As a result, children use their surroundings as a barometer as to who they are. Their measurement of self-worth is defined by what is happening around them, and they take their cues from their interactions with others.
Now we can understand a fundamental underpinning of confrontations: Children would rather die than lose.
In the heat of a power struggle, a child is extremely intent on winning the battle at hand because he equates obedience with defeat. When a child hears, “Get into bed right NOW!” he has a great emotional investment in not obeying and thus not viewing himself as the loser of this battle.
Therefore, it is best to avoid confrontations as often as possible. What can we do to minimize confrontations, and how can we handle them when they are unavoidable?
1) Poor planning, rushing, and emergencies are prime times for power struggles. While raising children it is normal for the house to resemble a “madhouse”, it is often with a parent’s control to make wiser plans to reduce tension and lower the probability of confrontations.
Take the extra time to get up early, leave on a trip an hour before the last minute, and prepare activities, food, and clothing the evening before it is needed. You will reap the rewards of a calmer family and be less likely to find yourself demanding, “Get into the car right now!”
2) New situations demand proper preparation and explanation for a child. For example, prior to going to the mall (if that’s an unusual occurrence) it is incumbent upon a parent to map out the itinerary to the child. For example, “First we’ll be shopping for clothing, and I’ll try on a few things in a dressing room. Then, we will be taking pictures and you’ll sit on a blanket on a table and the photographer will ask you to smile and let you hold your teddy bear. If you behave well, and that means, staying close to me and not whining, we will buy you a treat after the pictures.”
Notice how this parent spelled out her expectations and clearly outlined exactly what good behavior is required in order to earn the reward.
Older children, too, need preparation for new situations that will be encountered such as vacations, visits to relatives, and community events that are new to them.
3) The self-esteem of the parent is of paramount importance in avoiding confrontations. If a parent’s suffers from low self-esteem, she may be tempted to “win” the argument with her child in order to prove to herself that she is in charge. The emotional “war” between the child and parent- both of whom are attempting to assert themselves is detrimental to both participants.
This is another valuable reason why parents must have their own inner sense of self-worth; which will allow them to be in a position to be firm without their ego getting in the way.
4) Poor sleep and diet are a major contributor to confrontations.
You know what happens to yourself when you haven’t eaten well or slept properly. Can you expect any different from a child? Enough said!!
5) Prior to putting a strain on a relationship, it is essential to nurture and develop that relationship’s positive side.
When you have a close relationship with your child a confrontation will not feel like a “put down” to the child. He is more likely to be understanding of his parent’s need, and not feel like he is “losing”, as a result of the closeness that is generally shared.
6) Distraction can work wonders. Young children are easily distracted by anything mildly unusual. A line I once invented to distract my son was, “Oh, no, it looks like a bunny rabbit bit off your tail!” For many months, saying that with mock horror could bring forth peals of laughter and make him forget that he was in the middle of refusing to get into the bathtub!
Offering a new choice can distract an older child from the issue at hand and lower the intensity of the confrontation substantially. When your teenager is balking at attending an event with the family, you can say, “Honey, it’s your choice. You can come with us right now and I’ll take you shopping in the afternoon, or you can stay home and we won’t be going shopping later. I’m not here to argue with you. It’s your choice, please decide within one minute, the whole family is waiting to leave.”
7) Find the pattern. Jot down a short note to yourself every time you have a confrontation with your child. After several weeks you will likely notice a pattern that has preempted the power struggles.
Do they generally happen in a specific location? At a certain time of the day? When your child is hungry or tired?
Finding a common denominator will allow you to work backwards to eliminate that source of stress on thus lessen the confrontations in your home.
Peace!!
I love this website!
One of your readers recommended the book Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn Kvols. It is an excellent book on positive parenting – lets us parents feel really good about ourselves and the job we are doing with our children.
A friend just sent this site to me. God has perfect timing.
Originally, I thought my 15 yr old son was the problem. I’ve attended hearts at home conferences for 14 years and knew what to do. It must not be working because; a) my son is too hardheaded, b) my head is too hard and I intend to win or c) this technique does not work with my son, try another.
It has taken me almost 2 years to figure this out. If it don’t work, change it. I stopped nagging and started praising and saying thank you to my son immediately and sincerely when he did what was asked or answered appropriately. I stopped joking about his “attitude” and started treating him like I treat adults – with respect – even when I don’t agree.
Tonight, we went shopping for long underwear for skiing tomorrow. At the checkout he spotted a movie “The Gridiron Gang” – a true story about boys in juvenile detention and tied into gang life. It was a great movie because it let me see that boys really do have feelings but aren’t allowed to show them like a girl. It was a great movie because my son was willing to sit down and watch with me, he did say early on he might get up if he got bored. He didn’t. It was a great movie because one of the young men said what every one of us feels, “I just want her to hold me and say she loves me.” He was referring to his mom!
“I love you, Bill” – which would usually get an immediate rude response fired back- was followed by my admission that I wish I was allowed to hug him more often, but I understood there were “rules.” His total silence was total “acceptance” of my offer of love.
Kids, who knew they would be so hard to love, loved so deeply and misunderstood so easily – especially since we were there, too!
Thanks for reading, and sharing
Barb, U.S.
No question about it, they have us pegged….”let me see…. ignore ’till the pitch of the voice is this high”…
An example of the pitch and level of voice:
We were visting a friend who was a member of the K-9 (dog) squad. His guests asked for a demo of his dogs prowess. The group of us watched in awe as he went through his paces. At the end several of us asked: “how do you get him to do that” as we couldn’t figure the procedure. He said: ” I talk to him”. We couldn’t hear him, his voice was that quiet. I guess this is the reverse ‘pegging’ or training. The dog actually keys into this low voice rather than a loud one.
I tried the same approach and would whisper: ” chocolate bars for everyone who is in the kitchen in the next 2 minutes.” after a few sessions, my son started to listen better. He didn’t want to miss anything, especially a treat.
We aren’t much different. We tune out the noise of the city etc and hear only what we selectively listen for.
So I guess the message is- stopping making noise or be tuned out. Short, concise messages are less tuned out. Set a deadline…one they can see: a big handed clock…and a consequence for missing the deadline…better if it matches the ‘crime’. But that can be difficult at times. Peer pressure is always a motivator.
Now if it would only work 100% of the time!
We have a very strong-willed, persistent, determined 5 1/5 year old son. The good part is that he is for the most part, a happy, exuberant child, quick to help me with laundry, dishes, etc. and we spend time playing, outdoors, baking, etc.
We have absolutely had our battles, gone through the whole “telling him five times” to do something, power struggles, the whole bit.
Thankfully, his preschool teacher (mother of five strong-willed children) talked to us and lovingly made some suggestions which we took to heart.
We both sat down with him and told him his teacher had talked to us and we realized things needed to change, and spelled out our disappointment with specific behaviors and how it negatively affects us as a family, and spelled out consequences we would take. We also noted that since he is a good listener at school, we expect him to be a good listener at home.
When he is misbehaving, no more 3, 4, 5+ warnings–he gets one warning if at all, and then an immediate consequence. The suggestion we got was to take away privileges moreso than time out. The worst situations were eating and getting ready to go in the morning, eating meals with silverware and no obnoxious noises at the table, and getting to bed on time.
For mornings, eating wasn’t the problem–it was getting dressed. I gave him a choice, either he could pick/help pick clothes, or if he wanted me to do it I would, but NO changing his mind if he told me to pick. Then I set a timer for 10 minutes and told him he could either be dressed when it went off, or he would lose his TV time for the day. If further consequences were needed, he would lose computer game time or his favorite toy(s) for the day.
At bedtime, we gave him 15 min. to get pj’s on, potty, and brush teeth before we help him finish up brushing. If he didn’t get done, then no bedtime stories (our favorite time, as hard on us as on him to give up!)
And at dinner, if he continued being rude and picking up food with his hands after a warning, he would be excused to his room for the rest of the night and no more to eat.
Protests? Testing? Oh boy! But once we set the timer, no nagging or warning. One night he even came and sat by me for the whole 15 min. on the couch while I read a magazine and did nothing to get ready for bed. It was so hard not to warn or say something, but the consequences were what taught him. The very first night he ended up in his room for the rest of the night after testing at the dinner table, and several times to bed with no stories, but he got the message pretty quickly.
Sometimes we do a time out for misbehavior, and he yells and protests. I let him yell, but if he does the door has to be closed the whole time out.
When it’s done, I sometimes talk to him calmly about what happened and why. If he refuses to listen and needs time to cool off, he has to stay in his room until he’s ready to listen respectfully. I let him have his turn and tell his feelings too.
It was also a big help in his understanding to just explain to him that it’s our job as his parents to make the big decisions and the rules of the house, and his job to honor his mother and father and learn becuase he’s not grown up yet. He was surprised when I told him that’s the way it was when I was a little girl, I sometimes didn’t like/agree with what my parents did, but I had to listen too. We do try to get his input and let him voice his opinion, and if it is reasonable, maybe change the way we do things–but not to the extent that he’s running the show or changing the core of our family rules.
Since we tried the new procedures and stuck with them, he has become so much more enjoyable to be around. We still have our moments, but much less with power struggles. He has come to know that we’re pretty reasonable, and what is expected.
Nightly prayers and teaching him about our faith I feel play a big part in his understanding the big picture, and also very important is positive reinforcement for good behavior and spending one on one time together.
We have been waiting for over three years to adopt again, and I think the Lord really knows what he is doing–now I feel like our son will be a big help with a sibling and is well-behaved enough for it to be enjoyable for us all when the time comes.
Good luck to all of you loving parents–stick with it through the difficulties, it does get better.
Just one more comment, as I just read a view of a Mom who disagrees with taking away book/story time as a consequence.
In our case, it was the most effective tough-love thing we could have done, because he likes it so much. When he cried for stories and we had to put him to bed without, we told him it made us sad too because that is our special time and we miss out as well.
We made it clear that if he follows the timer and gets ready for bed without wasting time, we have lots of time for stories and that special time together.
He gets a new chance every night to behave and have stories. He’s a smart little boy, and it didn’t take long for him to get the picture.
This is for Lisa, who wrote on November 1, 1006
Lisa, I hope that you read this message. I realize that you are a single mother with probably limited resources. It is imperative that you find out what kind of services are available to you. First, I would suggest that you go to see your daughter’s guidance counselor at school. This person should be aware of your and your daughter’s situation with her father. Hopefully the counselor will spend some time with your daughter and provide her with another auldt that she can trust. Second, the guidance counselor should be able to provide you with a list of family therapists in your area and how to secure one even if you can’t afford it. You must know that this situation in your household is one which is too big for one person to handle alone. Raising teenagers is stressful because we know that this is a critical time in their lives. This is why in the “ideal” world there are two parents who both hqave the child’s well-being at heart. Unfortunately, in the real world this is often not so, even when the two parents live together. I am a firm believer in counselling, especially when done early. Too often parents wait until they’ve “lost” the child to get help. Get it now. You’re a single mother with so much resting on your shoulders. Don’t deny yourself the help which is your right to have. Nancy
Hi,
I have 3 year old and 6 year old girls. When seperate they both act like angels but when together it is just a constant 3 way power struggle between adult child and child. My 3 year old uses screaming to get things her way and has developed such a piercing scream that most of the time everything is done her way to avoid the stress of having to listen to it.
I try to manage things fairly between them but if i make a decision that goes the 6 year olds way and not the 3 year olds way it can turn a sucsessfully calm day into a day of tantrums. For example sitting down to read them both stories tonight they both wanted different stories so being fair I agreed to read 2 stories, however to be fair I tossed a coin to see who would get there story read first. The toss came out in the 6 year olds favour which the 3 year old didnt take nicely to. From then started a tantrum which led me to putting her in another room whilst she kicked and banged the door and I held it shut on the other side and tried to read the story to my 6 year old.
I guess my question is how can I avoid tantrums with my 3 year old while still being fair to my 6 year old. I can normally see what is going to set one off but if I always try and avoid that then I will not always be fair to both children. Des
The best thing that I ever learned that always works in my house is sitting down with the children during a calm time and explaining what you want done and how you feel (ex.- “When I ask you to turn off the TV and you don’t react right away, I feel that you’re ignoring me. DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA what we can do, so that I only have to tell you once and you will react?”) This gives the children a chance to tell you how they feel and then together you can come up with a solution. It is possible that they want a 5 min. warning and then will turn off the TV. Or maybe they will agree on a time to turn it off and ask you NOT to remind them because they are old enough to have that responsiblity. Asking my children how we can resolve an issue has always had fantastic results. It also gives us a chance to hear and better understand each other.
Also, I never ask my children to do something without telling them why they’re being asked to do it. Once they understand that it’s for their benefit, or to make another person happy, or because I have no other time, etc., etc., they are extrememly cooperative.
By the way, these ideas work just as well with other adults and I actually learned them in a management course.
The best thing that I ever learned that always works in my house is sitting down with the children during a calm time and explaining what I want done and how I feel (ex.- “When I ask you to turn off the TV and you don’t react right away, I feel that you’re ignoring me). Then I ask,”DO YOU HAVE AN IDEA what we can do, so that I only have to tell you once and you will react?” This gives the children a chance to tell you how they feel and then together you can come up with a solution. It is possible that they want a 5 min. warning and then will turn off the TV. Or maybe they will agree on a time to turn it off and ask you NOT to remind them because they are old enough to have that responsiblity. Asking my children how we can resolve an issue has always had fantastic results. It also gives us a chance to hear and better understand each other. Of course, if they “fail” the first few times, I tell them that I’m sad that it didn’t work, but I’m sure it will the next time. And it always does!
Also, I never ask my children to do something without telling them why they’re being asked to do it. Once they understand that it’s for their benefit, or to make another person happy, or because I have no other time, etc., etc., they are extrememly cooperative.
If one of my children is angry and arguing with me, I change the topic/activity and later on or the next day when the child is calmer, I say that I’m sorry that she was upset but since she seems to be feeling better now, I’d be happy to discuss the issue with her.
By the way, these ideas work just as well with adults and I actually learned them in a management course.
I find myself in the middle of a power struggle and confrontation generally when I myself am stressed. when i am trying to be ” supermom” and have to finish 20 jobs, preferably in half an hour!! so the stress invariably is taken out on the kids, which i agree is very unfair!
it helps if we could “get into their minds” and try to feel what they could be feeling when faced with an angry mom!!
I guess I’m aggravated because I know our house is more calm when things are planned out in advance, when the laundry is clean and put away, when the bookbags and lunches are packed the night before. That is always my goal. However, we have seasonal episodes when the family is just so busy that it is NOT organized and we’re playing catch-up constantly. My responsible 10 year old boy knows what to do. My 6-year old daughter falls apart in those situations and becomes defiant – she will not hurry; she will not do what is asked if it is Mom’s goal to get her on the bus. How do I make these things HER goals as well? Maybe the solution is more structure; I don’t know. All I do know is when the going gets tough, little one screeches to a halt. I am powerless to get her foot off the brake.