When it comes to treating head lice, there is wide variety of products available for you to do so. However, be advised that some of the recommended medications for treating head lice can be ineffective in doing so; while at the other end of the spectru…

I have 3 year old and 6 year old girls. When seperate they both act like angels but when together it is just a constant 3 way power struggle between adult child and child. My 3 year old uses screaming to get things her way and has developed such a piercing scream that most of the time everything is done her way to avoid the stress of having to listen to it.

I try to manage things fairly between them but if i make a decision that goes the 6 year olds way and not the 3 year olds way it can turn a sucsessfully calm day into a day of tantrums. For example sitting down to read them both stories tonight they both wanted different stories so being fair I agreed to read 2 stories, however to be fair I tossed a coin to see who would get there story read first. The toss came out in the 6 year olds favour which the 3 year old didnt take nicely to. From then started a tantrum which led me to putting her in another room whilst she kicked and banged the door and I held it shut on the other side and tried to read the story to my 6 year old.

I guess my question is how can I avoid tantrums with my 3 year old while still being fair to my 6 year old. I can normally see what is going to set one off but if I always try and avoid that then I will not always be fair to both children. Des

Lisa, I hope that you read this message. I realize that you are a single mother with probably limited resources. It is imperative that you find out what kind of services are available to you. First, I would suggest that you go to see your daughter’s guidance counselor at school. This person should be aware of your and your daughter’s situation with her father. Hopefully the counselor will spend some time with your daughter and provide her with another auldt that she can trust. Second, the guidance counselor should be able to provide you with a list of family therapists in your area and how to secure one even if you can’t afford it. You must know that this situation in your household is one which is too big for one person to handle alone. Raising teenagers is stressful because we know that this is a critical time in their lives. This is why in the “ideal” world there are two parents who both hqave the child’s well-being at heart. Unfortunately, in the real world this is often not so, even when the two parents live together. I am a firm believer in counselling, especially when done early. Too often parents wait until they’ve “lost” the child to get help. Get it now. You’re a single mother with so much resting on your shoulders. Don’t deny yourself the help which is your right to have. Nancy

In our case, it was the most effective tough-love thing we could have done, because he likes it so much. When he cried for stories and we had to put him to bed without, we told him it made us sad too because that is our special time and we miss out as well.

We made it clear that if he follows the timer and gets ready for bed without wasting time, we have lots of time for stories and that special time together.

He gets a new chance every night to behave and have stories. He’s a smart little boy, and it didn’t take long for him to get the picture.

We have absolutely had our battles, gone through the whole “telling him five times” to do something, power struggles, the whole bit.

Thankfully, his preschool teacher (mother of five strong-willed children) talked to us and lovingly made some suggestions which we took to heart.
We both sat down with him and told him his teacher had talked to us and we realized things needed to change, and spelled out our disappointment with specific behaviors and how it negatively affects us as a family, and spelled out consequences we would take. We also noted that since he is a good listener at school, we expect him to be a good listener at home.

When he is misbehaving, no more 3, 4, 5+ warnings–he gets one warning if at all, and then an immediate consequence. The suggestion we got was to take away privileges moreso than time out. The worst situations were eating and getting ready to go in the morning, eating meals with silverware and no obnoxious noises at the table, and getting to bed on time.
For mornings, eating wasn’t the problem–it was getting dressed. I gave him a choice, either he could pick/help pick clothes, or if he wanted me to do it I would, but NO changing his mind if he told me to pick. Then I set a timer for 10 minutes and told him he could either be dressed when it went off, or he would lose his TV time for the day. If further consequences were needed, he would lose computer game time or his favorite toy(s) for the day.
At bedtime, we gave him 15 min. to get pj’s on, potty, and brush teeth before we help him finish up brushing. If he didn’t get done, then no bedtime stories (our favorite time, as hard on us as on him to give up!)
And at dinner, if he continued being rude and picking up food with his hands after a warning, he would be excused to his room for the rest of the night and no more to eat.

Protests? Testing? Oh boy! But once we set the timer, no nagging or warning. One night he even came and sat by me for the whole 15 min. on the couch while I read a magazine and did nothing to get ready for bed. It was so hard not to warn or say something, but the consequences were what taught him. The very first night he ended up in his room for the rest of the night after testing at the dinner table, and several times to bed with no stories, but he got the message pretty quickly.

Sometimes we do a time out for misbehavior, and he yells and protests. I let him yell, but if he does the door has to be closed the whole time out.
When it’s done, I sometimes talk to him calmly about what happened and why. If he refuses to listen and needs time to cool off, he has to stay in his room until he’s ready to listen respectfully. I let him have his turn and tell his feelings too.
It was also a big help in his understanding to just explain to him that it’s our job as his parents to make the big decisions and the rules of the house, and his job to honor his mother and father and learn becuase he’s not grown up yet. He was surprised when I told him that’s the way it was when I was a little girl, I sometimes didn’t like/agree with what my parents did, but I had to listen too. We do try to get his input and let him voice his opinion, and if it is reasonable, maybe change the way we do things–but not to the extent that he’s running the show or changing the core of our family rules.

Since we tried the new procedures and stuck with them, he has become so much more enjoyable to be around. We still have our moments, but much less with power struggles. He has come to know that we’re pretty reasonable, and what is expected.

Nightly prayers and teaching him about our faith I feel play a big part in his understanding the big picture, and also very important is positive reinforcement for good behavior and spending one on one time together.

We have been waiting for over three years to adopt again, and I think the Lord really knows what he is doing–now I feel like our son will be a big help with a sibling and is well-behaved enough for it to be enjoyable for us all when the time comes.
Good luck to all of you loving parents–stick with it through the difficulties, it does get better.

An example of the pitch and level of voice:

We were visting a friend who was a member of the K-9 (dog) squad. His guests asked for a demo of his dogs prowess. The group of us watched in awe as he went through his paces. At the end several of us asked: “how do you get him to do that” as we couldn’t figure the procedure. He said: ” I talk to him”. We couldn’t hear him, his voice was that quiet. I guess this is the reverse ‘pegging’ or training. The dog actually keys into this low voice rather than a loud one.

I tried the same approach and would whisper: ” chocolate bars for everyone who is in the kitchen in the next 2 minutes.” after a few sessions, my son started to listen better. He didn’t want to miss anything, especially a treat.

We aren’t much different. We tune out the noise of the city etc and hear only what we selectively listen for.

So I guess the message is- stopping making noise or be tuned out. Short, concise messages are less tuned out. Set a deadline…one they can see: a big handed clock…and a consequence for missing the deadline…better if it matches the ‘crime’. But that can be difficult at times. Peer pressure is always a motivator.

Now if it would only work 100% of the time!

Originally, I thought my 15 yr old son was the problem. I’ve attended hearts at home conferences for 14 years and knew what to do. It must not be working because; a) my son is too hardheaded, b) my head is too hard and I intend to win or c) this technique does not work with my son, try another.

It has taken me almost 2 years to figure this out. If it don’t work, change it. I stopped nagging and started praising and saying thank you to my son immediately and sincerely when he did what was asked or answered appropriately. I stopped joking about his “attitude” and started treating him like I treat adults – with respect – even when I don’t agree.

Tonight, we went shopping for long underwear for skiing tomorrow. At the checkout he spotted a movie “The Gridiron Gang” – a true story about boys in juvenile detention and tied into gang life. It was a great movie because it let me see that boys really do have feelings but aren’t allowed to show them like a girl. It was a great movie because my son was willing to sit down and watch with me, he did say early on he might get up if he got bored. He didn’t. It was a great movie because one of the young men said what every one of us feels, “I just want her to hold me and say she loves me.” He was referring to his mom!

“I love you, Bill” – which would usually get an immediate rude response fired back- was followed by my admission that I wish I was allowed to hug him more often, but I understood there were “rules.” His total silence was total “acceptance” of my offer of love.

Kids, who knew they would be so hard to love, loved so deeply and misunderstood so easily – especially since we were there, too!

Thanks for reading, and sharing
Barb, U.S.

Thank you!

Ruth

However, no matter how many techniques I try or how consistent I am, I still hear myself repeating. Sometimes I will briefly state what needs to be done, gently mention the consequence, and then count to three. It also has helped me to prepare them for what’s coming. “Girls, time to get jammies on in five minutes. (it gives em’ a bit of time to wind up what they are doing..I know I don’t like to stop what I’m doing abruptly..depending upon what they are doing I might say ten minutes, etc.) It gives some transition time. Then I’ll say, “it’s jammie time. When you get your jammies on now it will leave time for stories!.” (an incentive) If they don’t get their jammies on then no story (logical consequence..we ran out of time for stories because of the delayed jammie time) But I need to work on consistency. I definitely can be a marshmallow Mom and not follow through with consequences every time. Sometimes it is tough when I’m busy/don’t want to go through the whining, etc. Something to work on as I go:)

As for defiant behavior and mood swings, etc., over 87% of children in one study were helped with their moods by diet change. (eliminating chemicals, etc) Wheat and gluten and dairy are a big factor for lots of mood issues in children. My six-year-old has made INCREDIBLE changes since we switched her to a wheat/dairy/gluten-free diet. We do mostly organic and no refined sugar. Trust me, no technique in the world works on her when she has the wrong food for her inside her little body. Between the homeopathy and diet changes we have really been helped. When on the wrong foods she has defiant outbursts, has a hard time paying attention, etc. etc.

So…I’m inspired once again to chug onward and catch myself when I’m saying, “how many times do I have to….” and I’ll think of all of the other parents out there doing the same thing and working on making it better.

I am not a single mother, but was raised by one who was a teacher. We did not have alot of things, but I had her unconditional love. I never saw my dad – his choice. I am now a mother of four girls, and while I do have a very helpful husband, there are many parenting styles that my mother used that I think helped me be who I am today. The most important thing was to hand the responsibility to me. I can remember my grandmother occasionally hounding me about getting my homework done when I was in the 3rd grade. At this point I would rebel and wait at least another hour before I would get started. My mother would always tell her that it was my responsibility, and I would have to answer for my actions. My girls are now 10, 8, 3 and 3. The 10 and 8 year old have been respsonsible for getting dressed without help, getting homework done, packing their backpacks, and making their lunch since Kindergarten. They now are dressed and at the table every morning, and I don’t have to help them study for tests or do homework unless they ask for it. The rewards are longer term – good grades on a report card results in lots of praise, and basically your having the freedom to do the fun stuff in life. Bad grades on a report card and no birthday parties, spend the night parties, etc until you pull them up (9 weeks later).

I am struggling with the 3 year olds – power struggles seem rampant. Many days it seems as if it is two against one. Perserverance has got to be the key. If I can keep the same philosophy of give the responsibility to them, and reward them when they accept it, they will turn out to be responsible adults. If I survive that long. . .