How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Disciplining Children, Emotional Development
by: James Lehman, MSW
A consequence is something that follows naturally from a person’s action, inaction or poor decision. It differs from a punishment in that a punishment is retribution. Punishment is “getting back” at someone, to hurt them back for a hurt they did. When you get a speeding ticket, it’s not a retribution for something you did wrong. It’s a consequence of your poor choices and decisions.
When you’re giving a child a consequence, it’s important to make it flow naturally from the child’s choice or action. For example, if your son sleeps late and doesn’t get up for school, the natural consequence is to go to bed earlier that night to get more sleep. The natural consequence isn’t to take his phone for a week. Tell him he has to go to bed early for the next three nights, and then if he can show you he can get up for school, you’ll go back to the later bedtime.
“Making your daughter stay
in for three weekends
won’t teach her to observe curfew.
It just puts you and your family
through grief
and the child learns nothing.”
===================
It’s also important to make the consequence task-oriented, not time-oriented. A time-oriented consequence is when you tell your child he’s grounded for a week or can’t use his cell phone for two weeks. It’s ineffective because all it does is teach kids how to “do time.” It does not teach them how to change their behavior.
A task-oriented consequence is related to the offense and defines a learning objective. If your child stayed out past curfew last week, this weekend, she has to come in an hour earlier to show you that she can do it. When she shows you she can do it, you can go back to her normal curfew time. Making her stay in for three weekends won’t teach her to observe curfew. It just puts you and your family through the grief and the child learns nothing.
The best consequences are those from which the child learns something. If your son is disrespectful to his sister, a good consequence is to tell him he can’t use the phone until he writes her a letter of apology. In the letter, he has to tell her what he’ll do differently the next time he’s in conflict with her. Writing the letter of apology is a learning experience for him that wins him back his phone. That way, he’s not just “doing time.” He’s completing an act that teaches him something.
I think parents have to be very clear about consequences, especially the older kids get. By “older,” I mean the difference between six and eight and then eight and ten. I’m not talking about the difference between eight and eighteen. The older kids get, the more thought they have to put into the consequence. So if a kid’s grade drops because he’s not doing his homework, yes you take his TV. But you take it until the teacher tells you that he’s been doing his homework for two weeks. Or until the teacher tells you he’s brought his grades back up to a B.
What do you do when consequences don’t work?
We hear from many parents who say, “I’ve tried everything, and consequences just don’t work with my kid.” What can a parent in this situation do? First of all, we need to talk about the kids for whom consequences do work. These are kids who are used to structure and are used to limits being set on them. Having structure and setting limits with kids teaches them that there are rewards and consequences in life. If you’re having trouble making consequences work with your kids, here’s an important point. If you want consequences to work, you also have to have rewards. If you have no rewards, then it’s very hard to come up with a consequence without being punitive.
In The Total Transformation Program, I encourage parents to sit down and think up a list of consequences and a list of rewards for their child. The list should include things they can afford, things that don’t cost a lot of money and things that they can achieve in the time they have in their day as parents. For example, as a reward, can you take your kid down to the park for a half an hour and shoot some baskets. Half an hour is all you need. It doesn’t have to take two hours. You also want to make sure the rewards and consequences on the list are realistic to that child’s developmental level.
I also recommend that parents order the rewards and consequences from mildest to heaviest so that you have small rewards for small achievements, big rewards for big achievements. The same goes for consequences. Smaller consequences that flow out of minor infractions. More serious consequences for more serious offenses. By the way, taking the phone is a major consequence, and I would use that cautiously. It’s usually a major consequence because it is usually a very important item to a kid. The more important an item is to a kid, the more he’ll learn when it’s taken as part of a consequence. But remember that when you’re giving consequences, you don’t want to use all your big guns at once.
Having this menu of rewards and consequences gives you a roadmap for how to deal with the hills, valleys and forks in the road you encounter each day with your child. It also keeps you from taking shortcuts, which we all do in parenting. Parents are tired, they work hard, they have high levels of anxiety over their finances and their professional careers, and they have lots of demands beyond caring for the children. This is true in almost every family. So parents often start taking shortcuts that are ineffective, such as taking the cell phone for every offense or grounding a kid for a week. If you have a menu of rewards and consequences, you can give an appropriate consequence for the offense—one that allows the child to learn. Not a knee-jerk, punitive consequence.
The most important question you need to ask yourself when you’re giving a child a consequence is this: What do I want to accomplish here? Do I want to show him who’s boss or do I want to get him to do his homework? If you want to show him who’s boss, then you’re going to be extra punitive in your consequence and fire all your guns at once. If you want him to get his homework done, then you start with consequences that can lead up to getting homework done. Like no TV until your homework’s done. It’s as simple as pie.
When do you use the “big gun” consequences? When you’re dealing with issues involving values and respect of others. When you’re faced with abuse issues such as physical or verbal abuse of a family member or teacher. Or when you’re dealing with serious issues such as stealing.
Consequences don’t happen in a vacuum. They have to fit in with an overall style of parenting that is designed to produce children who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. So, if a consequence isn’t working, and a parent says, “I took his phone for two weeks and it’s not working,” that parent needs to look at a couple of things. First of all, maybe two weeks is too long. Maybe what you have to tell your child is this: “I’m taking your phone until you don’t do X for twenty four hours.” Or, “If you talk abusively to your sister, I’m taking your phone until you don’t talk to her abusively for forty eight hours straight. And every time you’re abusive with her, it starts over.” Go back again to the most important question: “What do I want to accomplish?” If you want to hurt him for hurting his sister, take his phone for two weeks. But if you do this, don’t expect any compliance out of him. If what you want to accomplish is having your son learn not to be abusive and work on his self-control, then set up a task as part of the consequence.
Another thing to think about is whether you’re being firm or rigid. There’s nothing wrong with being firm. But if you’re being senselessly rigid, your kids are going to develop defiance to respond to that. That’s the problem with using all the big gun consequences at once.
Sometimes consequences don’t work because they are part of a much broader problem, and the child is in a power struggle with the parents. Withholding compliance is a part of that power struggle. One of the primary ways that kids try to win that power struggle with their parents is by withholding compliance. Once that pattern establishes itself, the only power the parent has is to punish, and the only power the kid has is to withhold compliance. Consequences will not work in that atmosphere. When this occurs, parents need the more comprehensive solution that The Total Transformation and the Parental Support Line provide. The program and the support will help you with the broader problem-solving skills that enable kids to take responsibility for compliance without being reactionary.
James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit The Total Transformation Progam.
Wow, Ellen, this email came on EXACTLY the right day! Heaven is looking out for me! Just yesterday, I took away my 14-year-old son’s cell phone for talking back to me. I’m a single mom, and I feel more and more like I have very little leverage in dealing with this teenager who is now taller than I am! (His dad is not very involved.) What an AMAZING coincidence. This is surely a sign for me to buy the program now- thank you!
I agree, Lisa, this email really arrived on the right day. I can’t think of any greater gift for my 9 and 11 year olds, although they may not agree, they’ll appreciate it when they become parents.
This was very useful to see how I’ve been handling “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” in the wrong way. Thank you.
Can anyone give me a good consequence to use for a younger child (5) who continually hits and bothers his brother?
Now this is something I could have used years ago, but better late than never, and never too late! We have with our eldest son the power struggle described here, and have felt hopeless for far too long. Things have been getting better, but still lots of issues, and we will have to look into this!
This is great! I couldn’t agree more this came at just the right time! My husband and I are having a hard time dealing with our 13 yr old son. We really needed to find other ways of dealing with him and making him understand why at the same time. Thanks so much Ellen!
It sounds like he wants his brother’s attention. Maybe if he has appropriate behavior with his brother for a small period of time, they get an activity together, such as time at he park, a movie(DVD), etc and work up to a larger block of time he has to display appropriate behavior. Maybe if he can keep it together for a week they get to go to a movie or bowling, etc. Hope it helps.
This program sound intrigueing. I am a parent of four children. One with mild autism. The outline in this e-mail reminds me a lot of ABA and behavioral modification techniques we have used over the years as well as the Love and Logic principles. Just curious how different the two programs are. All in all it sounds as if good results can be achieved.
WOW. There always seems to be a power struggle at our house, I am definitly the parent who is gets frustrated and gives ” the big Punishment” right off the bat. Then it ends up that I don’t follow through with the punishment. I really am going to sit down and think of better solutions to the little{but reoccuring} issues at my home!!!
Thanks!!!
Shauna
Holly – I have a consistent consequence that works for my 5 year old boy. When inappropriate behavior happens, I gently point out his mistake, state that it is not good manners, not respectful, etc. (depending on what it is) and ask him to take Think Time – this is sitting out without noise or interaction for a few minutes to chill down and be removed from activity. After think time, we have a conversation that sounds like this: “Logan, why did you need think time? ..he tells me (I want him to know what his consequence/ time out is for- I’ve reminded him before the consequence began) then, “Why is this wrong?” he usually tells me how it effects others and himself. “How are you going to behave differently next time?” He likes to say, ‘to not do it’ – I don’t let that fly
We end with a hug, an “I love you and I’m glad when you care for others” and if appropriate an apology to whomever he has offended – usually his 2 year old sister who loves the hugs and kisses that come with it 
My inspiration is Super Nanny 
Good luck with whatever you decide to try.
and…before all else fails, I pray.
The free trial link isn’t working for me – anyone else having trouble? Thanks.
The link is a bit slow due to volume- try again in a few minutes.
Holly, what has oftentimes been effective is to role play with children- recreate the scene, ie- your brother had the truck and you wanted it and grabbed it. Next time your brother has the truck, what will you do?
We use a very similar sytem, but it adds an ‘if / then’ chart…if this behavior happens then this is the consequence. works even for 3 year olds…example: disrespectful behavior = loss of priviledge (could be time increments of TV, computer game, sugar, etc.), statement of apology with the an explanation of the bahavior to ensure there is an understanding of what was ‘wrong’. the chart takes the emotion out of holding the kids accountable…it’s the chart, not me. our chart is largely based on moral issues that we can reference w/ scripture so it’s not even our rules, but rather, God’s and who wants to mess w/ Him?
I’m right there with everybody else! This came at the perfect time. I’m frustrated reminding my children the same things over and over again. I just (not more than 2 minutes ago) told my oldest son that the methods my husband and I are using aren’t working and we need to do something different. As my boys get older, they either remain the same or get worse. Thank you so much!!!!! May God bless you for your wisdom.
I used this when my tot was about 4. I bought an empty cigar box from a tobacco store. I took it home andsprayed it with lemon Zest( it is a wonderful aroma therapy ) next…we decorated it with colorful gift paper. This was now her treasure box. I filled it with cardboard gold coins ( about 10) She could earn one or more a day depending on her behavior. She also could lose them. It would be her discision to earn or lose “coins” We would make a chart so we could keep track of all coins earned or forfieted. At the end of the week we would add up the coins If She kept all 10 it meant a trip to MacDonalds. If she lost coins ,she would have to write me a letter and tell me why she lost it. If she doesn’t write yet ,That is ok. She can scribble a note and read it to me.The consequences to losing coins is one TV show she cant watch,depending on how many coins are gone. She can redeem coins for extra good behavior ( good manners,helping …make it simple) The more coins earned past ten the bigger the reward.( Maybe 20 might earn a sleepover) This system works and works for big kids too using quarters for teens maybe.
Holly,
make sure you give the immediate attention to the child that got hurt & not the child who is doing the hurting. run over, give hugs & gently push the offendor behind you so as not to be receiving any attention, not even eye contact (all eyes on the one hurt), with a ‘i’ll talk to you in a minute, that behaviour is not okay’. Let the offender watch you tell the one hit that they do not deserve to be hit. once the one hit has been soothed, turn to the offender and have a converstion like Elaina suggested. explain the importance of saying sorry, feeling sorry and doing something to show that you are sorry. also explain the importance of using words when frustrated, not hands. encourage the younger to come to you or to take a minute alone when feeling frustrated if words are not working.
sometimes it can be an attention seeking behaviour – positive & negative attention is still attention. lavish attention on good behaviour – catching the younger being good as the way to get attention. have a conversation with the older encouraging to give attention when the younger is being nice.
i’m personally not one for timeouts. I am one for ’some time’ that the child has control over. my 3 year old daughter, who is quite high spirited, already will run to her room saying she needs some time. but it is completely under her control. i’ll ask her if she needs some time and she goes on her own and leaves on her own. In the heat of the moment she isn’t always ready to go through the talking spiel. I’ll tell her, “take some time to think & tell me when you are ready to talk”, and sit close by until she says she’s ready. if she trys to leave or to play i’ll tell her not until we’ve had our talk. i find she listens a lot better when she is given the control to say she is ready. I hope this method will help her as an adult. I’ve started doing it for myself, when i’m real good and mad i’ll tell my daughter – “give me a minute, i’m very angry, I need some time.” Gives me a minute to gain composure & is setting an example for what I tell her to do.
as always consistency & the pattern so the child knows exactly what is going to happen works wonders. my girl calms down quite quickly and has much better behaviour since i’ve started this system. and I believe it respects her. bad behaviour, not bad kids.
hope some variation works for your family.
wanted to add that i’ve had to go through this with my girl hitting her brother.
Our issue is with our five year old daughter. She can be so friendly and kind to our 4 year old, but then turn on her in an instant. She is verbally and physically abusive. We have tried rewards and punishment to end this behavior, but nothing has consistently worked. I liked the idea of rewarding small periods of appropriate time.small. Does anyone have other ideas that target this specific poor behavior?
I bought a book from the “American Girl” label that deals with feelings. It teaches appropriate responses to various situations. It has worked out for my nine year old girl. I found that sometimes you can avoid disrespectful behavior if you just teach a child how to express themselves approriately ahead of time. I am still working on my two year old that hits his older sisters. Telling him to use his words instead of his hands has not yet worked.
My 19 year old son is back at home, going to college. He was staying up most of the night and dragging himself to school and to work the next day. He now brings me his computer and cell phone at 10:00 p.m., turns out his light at 10:30 and is not nearly as cranky and nonfunctioning as he was. It’s never too late.
Dr. Todd Cartmell’s book, “Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry” is a great source for how to be proactive in training kids to live together peacefully…so you don’t have to be as full-time in the consequences department. It seems to me that putting these two sources together may be a grand-slam!
hi…really a good one and most needed. my younger daughter is 7 and has a tendency of saying whhite lies like sister hit me but when she hasnt or the teacher didnot listen to this while it would be something else only… i have caught her many times and made her realise that it doesnt work to lie like this, tried punishing,i am also hot headed and go for big guns so any suggestion for consequence which might help me in this situation?
Are there any other parents who share concerns about the use of mobile phones, and giving them to kids in the belief that it is very important to them? They are a ticking timebomb, and I do not understand why many parents give in just becasue all the other kids have them…esp after all the research that links their use to brain tumours etc. Has anyone read the research on
http://www.mercola.com...
If anything it makes children more disrespectful, and is very antisocial. …
Holly, I have girls age 5 and 4 who constantly hit each other. Both are very active and enjoy the outdoors. I used to play a good bit of golf and everytime we go to town we pass a driving range. Both girls repeatedly ask to go golfing. I made them a deal that if they could go 72 hours w/o hitting each other. I would buy them each a club. The oldest after starting over twice has earned her club. The youngest is still working toward hers and seems commited now that she has been able to hit her sisters club. We live within walking distance of a ballfield, so in the afternoon we learn the game of consequences and reward while still getting to hit things other than our sister. Its pretty fun for Dad too! Hope this helps.
hi, I have a teenager. who is so serious all the time. not interested in any teenage stuff. just books, alone in the room, talks when feels like it otherwise just short bursts. went to uni; and came back the first term didn’t like the course. we told him that maybe this is not for you but no he didn’t listen extremely sturbborn. finally enrolled on the course we suggested earlier but at the moment nothing to do can’t find a job due to credit crunch. whenever he speaks it is rude, imperative and no compliance.After tolerating and informing of the consequences I just told him to get out of the car and walk home until he starts to speak politely.
No response from him yet, quite disturbed by all this. I know he is going through a difficult time because of the decision and all but his behaviour doesn’t maKes it easy for us to help.
please suggets some consequences to break this deadlock!
I think you should just leave him alone. I used to be a loner,too,and I preferred to read.I was never a social butterfly,and,in fact,preferred guys like your son who were NOT all about social,or teenage-stuff as you call it .I am a paraprofessional in the education sect. He may always want just to do things by himself. Stop pushing him into something YOU want.Ask him if he wants to talk and tell him thatyou are there for him if he needs you. If not drop it!He will certainly turn to you if you are just there. If he is not doing anything against the law..be happy. Do not bug him about the job market unless you need his help for putting food on the table. Do tell him that you do NOT appreciate the mouthing off and to please go yell into a mailbox or something(remember FRED FLINSTONE did that when his boss made him mad. Anyway I hope these tips help.I turned out fine and I never did TEENAGE STUFF!
I have a 14 year old boy who spends lots of time in his room alone on the computor playing games talking to other people. He is a good student He has never been in trouble at school or elsewhere. Last night my neice ( who is the same age ) had a party at her house with friends from her school girls and guys I convinced him to go even though he did not know anybody other the my neice of course, He lasted about half an hour and he called me and said he wanted to come home He was bored nobody was talking to him he was just standing there and everybodyelse was talking to everybodyelse but him, they don’t have anything in common he was listening to the things they were talking about and they were nothing he was interested in he was bored and he did not want to just stand there he felt bad because he likes his neice alot and he did not want to hurt her feelings because he did not like her freinds. I tryed to convince him that is was just the beginning of the party to give it a chance but there was no way he wanted to stay there. My neice invited him because she is a very social butterfly and my son is such a loner and she wanted him to meet some of her guy freinds so he could have some social time outside of the house but it did not work. He was very sad he cries essaily my son because he thought he was hurting her feelings by leaving. Anyway I do not know if I did the right thing sending him there or picking him up now that I have read Jackie Carroll’s reply.
Need help
I have strong suspicions that my 17 year old daughter is smoking cigarettes and pot. There are 2 new girls she hangs around with and I do think my daughter is making bad choices when she’s with them. Do I give consequences when I have no proof? How do I deal with this?