Defiant 8-year-old
by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Controversial Parenting Styles, Disciplining Children, Problem Solving
Dear RaisingSmallSouls,
Question: Our 8 year old has become so defiant lately, to the point of swearing and telling us to shut up. He gets a wide range of vocabulary from the school bus.
We have tried to be patient and ignore his outbursts. This has only made the swearing seem more impulsive and it comes so easily now. We have taken items away from him, and he has to earn them back with good behavior. He doesn’t care.
We have tried to send him to his room and he runs away from us. We are an older couple- reaching 50, and we just don’t know what other kind of discipline to use on him anymore. We are at our wits end.
Heeelllp ….
Answer:
By: Odelia Schlisser
Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net
Dear Heeelllp!!
Mark Twain wrote “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished by how much he had learned in seven years.”
Right now it seems your son thinks he knows best and so do the other kids. The good news is that this sort of attitude is usually outgrown.
The part that worries me is his impulsivity and seeming lack of self control. There could be a number of different explanations for this sort of behavior. I think you need to talk with the school counselor, and the child’s pediatrician in order to find an appropriate child mental health professional. There are a number of different childhood issues or disorders that involve these behaviors, and I strongly advise you get it checked out.
I can hear the desperation in your letter, and I have to point out that this is a glimpse into the inner life of your child. Kids who act this way feel out of control. This sounds like a call for help.
I want you to understand that this is probably not just intended to drive you nuts. There may be something in this kid wiring that causes him to implode. Fortunately there are sound interventions for these sorts of issues.
I would also advise you not to punish him by taking things away. This can exacerbate an already out of control situation. You may want to try some behavior modification techniques. For instance you can set up a chart with different parts of the day. Every time he behaves for a set amount of time he gets a star. If he has an outburst, he does not, but can try again during the next time frame. It’s best that the time frames not be longer than an hour or two at most. Then make up a reward system, so if he gets three stars a day he gets a small treat. The idea is that you want to positively reinforce his good behavior. Studies show that this is far more effective than punishment.
If you think he would be embarrassed, or laugh at the star chart, keep a private hourly log on a notepad for yourself. Make sure to treat him and encourage him for an outburst free hour.
I know this seems counter-intuitive. You may even feel angry, or that this goes against the grain. You may be thinking “Reward him-no way!!” Trust me I have worked with many kids from all different backgrounds, and all sort of issues. I have observed far more success with this technique, and others like it, than with punishments.
Have him evaluated and remember-positive encouragement!!
You may also find this book by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. helpful: 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child’s Difficult Behavior
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Well, when you go to corporal punishment, you must be sure you are feeling love and/or concern in your heart, not anger or “how dare you.”
If you are not able to muster those feelings, you better take some time before touching the child. There will be a big difference to both of you in the encounter and the long term affect. Hurting into submission will not build this person, but could classify the parent as a bully or terrorist.
Being president or CEO doesn’t make them well balanced. And don’t mistake correlation for cause. Do any of you remember what you felt when your parents were smacking you? Grateful? Personally, I couldn’t ever smack my daughter and at the same time say “don’t you hit your brother.” How confusing is that? The only thing spanking taught me was not to get caught and not to trust my parents. Spanking is not the only thing that works.
Acording to the American Association of Pediatrics report on discipline “Children who continue to be spanked are more likely to be depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their own children, approve of and hit their spouses, and engage in crime and violence as adults. These results make sense since spanking teaches the child that causing others pain is justified to control them—even with those they love.”
http://www.aap.org/publiced/BR_Discipline.htm
This comment is for “Eve”
Good for you.I said the same thing a few days ago…I see the agressive behavior EVERY DAY…and my kids in this class are only 3,4 and 5 years old. They are hitting and punching,but instead of yelling or becoming angry the teachers and i ( their assistant) calmly say,”nice hands..we do not hurt our friends” “Use your words …ask “please share.”..It does work most of the time ..if not.. with no words from us,we escort them to the time-out chair or quiet private spot where they can have their tantrum and be ignored until they are ready to join the playgroup again.The less said,the better.Hitting your child IS NOT the way to effectively raise him to be a kind person as he grows up.
Hi Sherri..”sorry you are having a rough time with your stepson,however,it is a never ending vicious circle.You were hit so of course you think it is ok to hit. Your son needs counseling to get to the root of the real problem. He is unquestionably hurting and is exhibiting his feelings in the only way he knows how. My 12 year old grandaughter says I should be a school counselor( She is in middle school) I am too old to start over at this point in my life,but I have had a lot of success just listening to young folks like your 14 year old. Is there a neighbor or an unbiased person within his school that would be willing to help?Please NO HITTING!
Hi Eve,
The current psychology is responsible for the mess our society is in right now. Kids have no respect for the law, they think there are no consequences for their actions and for the most part they are right.
You are abusing your child when you let him/her curse you and disregard you. YOu are making them incredible angry. I don’t even have to spank my child very often, but the threat of one is enough to make him obey. You hate your child if you let them walk all over you…. you are responsible to teach him the way to make right descisions. He needs to see that life is about choices and some choices will led to pleasure (or delayed gratification) and other choices will led to pain, and loss.
My son is very gentle and would never hit another kid, unless he was forced into a fight, otherwise never. He has had a few spankings in his life and it has helped to create in him self control. I never spank when I am angry, I am very calm and explain to him why I have to do what I am going to do, and he understands, and he is very motivated to make right choices.
And I believe we are responsible to train up a child in the way that he will go, and he will love us for it…..
This answer is for Maria.
Maria,please do not rely solely on a behavioral therapist for your son.I have been in the field,specializing in helping young folks for the past 20 years. Your son would probably benifit immensely if he were to have a complete blood/chemical work-up. His problems are far more than just behavior. He may be suffering from a lack of Seratonin or even( Please do not be alarmed,because it happens a lot in these times)mercury in the blood which could have spawned in so many different ways-NOT from innoculations.Teens who share personal belongings and what-not may be suseptible to viruses and an array of “bugs”that may not affect all young folks in the same manner.I feel certain that he probably hates ehe way he feels,but he cannot really begin to battle all the ” Deplorable behavior” until a very good Physician can find the physical source. Sometimes it is a long road,but worth it.Has he had a brain scan or an EEG within the lase 6 months? Don’t give up and tell the siblings to please be kind. Big brother is sick and the whole family has to help!
I haven’t had my son for any scans but I will mention it the ped. I didn’t mention other behaviors such as;drawing on furniture with crayons(he’s 8), he also carved lines and names in our newly spackled bathroom walls. Is this an attention thing? He doesn’t appear to have problems at school. He gets straight A’s. I will definitely have the ped. do all bloodwork and as much as she will do!!! Do you have any suggestions as what to do until he sees the Ped.? There is not a day that goes by that he doesn’t get in trouble. I’m afraid his behavior is going to escalate elsewhere!!!
This little fellow definetely needs professional help and medication.A FEW YEARS BACK i WORKED WITH A CHILD THAT EXHIBITED THE SAME BEHAVIORS THAT YOU DESCRIBE. hE WAS 8 AND LABLED “GIFTED”,but extremely disturbed because of the abnormal behaviors.He,too was an excellent student. Demand that he be seen immediately before he destroys your home…No,this is not an attention ploy..he just needs help before he hurts himself,you,or your younger children.It will only get worse if nothing is done soon.
Is this boy able to get one-on-one attention with his father for about an hour once a week, or twice a month? I would give that a try.
We both try to take him alone at times. This is his stepfather, his dad hasn’t been in his life since he was 3. His stepdad has stepped in since he was 3. We also have 4 other children, sometimes it’s not easy to give him the attention he may need. Our youngest is 3. We are working on that though!!!! I’ve been taking him aside and trying to ask him what bothers him? I have been told not to ask a child why that did something because it allows them to learn to make excuses why they did something wrong!! He appears to be making excuses already though, just tonight he said,” You guys(my husband and I) yell at me all the time that’s why I lie to you and be bold!” This was all over because he would eat his dinner and he wanted cookies!
Hi,Maria,
The best thing you can probably do at this point is to continue have “dinner talks” together and really LISTEN to what he is telling you. Tell him you are sorry if he thinks that you are “YELLING” Tell him you will talk quietly,but you want HIM to do his share and not yell,either. Please DO make regular appointments for him to see on a regular basis,a child psychologist who will refer you to a medical specialist ( if needed) who can prescribe medication that will make him feel better AND control his outbursts of anger.He will be a happier child if you don’t forget to tell him how much you and his new dad love him…no matter what.
Hopes this helps…Jackie.
Jackie, first of I’d like to thank you for listening to me and giving me some advice!! I am willing to try 110% with him on resolving these issues and getting to the bottom of this behavior!! Trust me though, our patience with him is thin!! I still am waiting for our appt. with the Ped.. It appears that this behavior is only at home! Do you think that videoing him at home is a good idea? I am trying it, but when my son sees the camera, he behaves! He’s very manipulative and very sneaky! He has even stolen money from me before! I feel he can control himself because he does so at school and at friends houses! What do you do when the behavior is only at home? When I see the teacher at school, I feel like asking her if this is the same kid that comes home from school! Once again, thanks for listening and I’m always open for suggestions!! Maria
Hi,Maria
Jackie here.
thank-you for answering me.I hope you get some answers from your pedeatrician.Your son’s treatment of you is clearly unacceptable…especially the stealing. A hidden camera would not be a bad idea. At least you would have something to show your son’s doctor.Radio Shack might be able to help you. I hid my camera ( I had some Juveniles that were vandalizing my property)inside a flower pot.My camera also had a microphone so any voices could also be heard.Of course do not mention any cameras.Just go about your normal routine.I am pleased that he is a model boy away from home. I wish he went to my school. I would just like to be an observer in his classroom.I take it that he is in 2nd or third grade.right? What does his teacher have to say to you? I HOPE THINGS IMPROVE.
Take care of yourself!
Jackie, his teacher has told me that he is an excellent student!! Her only problem with him was that he wasn’t raising his hand and was blurting out the answers in class. He’s in 2nd grade, all of the teachers love him!! I do have to say, he can be very lovable when he wants to behave!! I was reading another articl and it was about how children know who they can manipulate and I’m wondering what I can do to be more firm? I will try the hidden camera idea because something has to change at home!! I have a question about some other behavior. My son keeps teaching my 3yo to say curse words and some other inappropriate words. What can I do so that he will stop? He teachs him these words when I am out of sight!! I have told him to stop but he keeps telling me that he doesn’t say these words. I know it’s him! My 3yo is with me all the time and I do not speak this way!(he doesn’t go to daycare or preschool yet!) He also constantly teases the baby.
He is definetely a manipulator. Alot of the sibling stuff is perfectly normal..your little guy wants to be “Head Honcho”Insist to your Toddler that mommy is very sad when he/she says a bad word and ell her/him that you will take away his favorite toy if the bad word is repeated because the toy doesn’t like the word either and will “go away” if it hears the bad word. We use this tactic at our preschool and it works quite well. Babies need not be taught profanity. If your child’s preschool tteacher asks ,don’t hesitate to explain. We educators are never surprised nor do we condemn( I DON”T ANYWAY ) I am wondering where yout 8 year old is getting it..from TV or kids on the bus. You can always make a comlaint about profanity on the bus or in your chid’s school.( It is NOT tolerated at our school)In the meantime try to explain to your 8 year old that he will lose the respect he is seeking if he continues this “teachin” OH ,by the way ,I should have mentioned it before..Catch your 8 year old being GOOD ! When he does anything (no matter how minor) nice,slip him a quarter or a little token of some sort.If he should say ” Whats this for? ” ,simply say ” I like that you did such a good job in math today” or “That was nice that you played a nice game with your baby brother” or any such thing as this. We did this in our 1st and 2nd grades. It worked great. Don’t do it too much …just now and then when he is in a good behavior mode.The thing about this is it catches him off guard..and encouages better behavior,hopefully. Well I hope the tips ,help.Sincerely..Jackie
Maria.please excuse some of the spelling mistakes or any other..I realize.that your little one is not YET in preschool.The comment was meant for when he does go. I am about to change my contacts..eyes weary ,I guess…….Jackie.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of Love & Logic with Jim and Charles Fay. Jim is Charles’ father. They are wonderful! You should be able to find a number of their books or books on CD at a local library. One of their most recent topics has been sibling rivalry. Some of their titles are:Love & Logic (L&L) Magic When Kids Drain Your Energy, L&L Magic when kids leave you speechless, Parenting with L&L, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants, Avoiding Power Struggles with Kids. Most of these are audio CDs. They have a website http://www.loveandlogic.com you can sign up for a weekly newsletter that is short and excellent advice. You can also call their instittute for advice. I get their email and raising small souls emails.
They have many wonderful ideas. I hope this helps and good luck, hang in there!
Well, I have taken my son to the ped. and he ordered all kinds of bloodwork including a lead test and all has come back normal. My next step is to set an appt. with a psycologist for his behavior. I tried to speak with my ped. about my concerns but he basically blew me off! He advised me to try to change his diet. He said to give him protein in the morning and to avoid carbs because it can keep him hyper all day. He also said to stay away from drinks that have red and blue dye in them. He said alot of water and juicy juice. I was wondering if anyone has/is dealing with a child with ODD? I feel as if my son may have this. I will not diagnose my son but I do alot of research on behavior disorders and me meets all of the criteria. Is this a permanent disorder or can this be managed with some counceling? Thanks, Maria
Hi,Maria…
I have been thinking about you lately..funny that you should be writing the day after my thoughts. Yes,I currently have a student in my class with O.D.D,but from what you have written,I do not think your son has it. O.D.D does not isolate itself..He would be exhibiting his unacceptable behaviors everywhere,if he had O.D.D. True O.D.D is horrible.The kid we have has it and he is is cruel and mean to teachers and his classmates. His behavior is good-bad-good-bad–good –bad..all within a span of 30 minutes and continues constantly like this ,like a switch.Your doctor is probably correct about the diet…It does work in some children,but I would still ask for his suggestion on some medication..Your child’s behavior may be caused by anxiety( his experience with the family’s turbulance would certainly explain that) A very low dose of anti-anxiety medication will do wonders…I KNOW…I have seen how effective it can be.Please,still take him to a child psychiatrist..You will have peace of mind no matter what the outcome. I am glad the lead tests came back negative…And yes kids with O.D.D. can outgrow it,but I really do not think your son has it,or there would be some definite problems at school.
Jackie, thanks for writing back so quickly again! My son has received for the last 2 quarters a remark that states he disrupts in class and talks to much. I was concerned because he never received these comments before! I will be speaking with the teacher soon regarding theses comments! Last time I spokee wthe teacher he described him as being impulsive in the sense that he blurts out the answers in class! I firmly believe that he has anxiety as it runs in the family. I just hope I can get to the bottom of this soon! I feel as if it’s spiraling out of control! My husband and I are so streesed because of him. He always seems to be the one that disrupts the entire house out of 5 kids! Besides behavior problems are there any other clues to look for in a child that has anxiety? I thank you for writing back and helping me out a little. I am making an appt. tomorrow with the psyciatrist. Do you know of any relaxation tips to use with him? I just spent some time with looking through pics and as soon as the other children came home, he ran right to them and started aggravating them! It is like something inside of him just clicks and he becomes someone else. I just hope that this psyciatrist will help! When I went to the behavioral specialist he know how to behave so when she saw him he acted totally different and she stated there was nothing wrong with him! It’s the same when he’s at friends houses, he behaves perfectly. Then at home he’s VERY different! When he had to get his blood drawn he said to me,” This is all your fault that I have to do this!” He then said,” You’re ruining my life by making me do this!” I calmly explained to him that this is to make sure that everything is OK! He stated,”There is nothing wrong with me!” He blames everyone for his behavior! If I take something away from him he says to me that it’s my fault that he can’t play his game or whatever. When I explain to him that his behavior caused this he says,”yeah right, you just don’t want me to have fun!” Well that’s a little bit of my days and this is a constant battle all day everyday! Thanks, Maria
Maria,
I have a child that is very similar in the way he blames his behavior on everyone but himself. He has a severe issue with accepting responsibility for his actions. This CAN be taught. Whatever you do, PLEASE do not put him on medication. Medication, in the long run will throw him off and he will become more out of control. I have seen it too many times. I attempted it with my son and it made him extremely hateful. If you notice, he can certainly control it when he wants to. Somewhere along the way, he has gotten attention for this behavior, whether good or bad, they don’t care. When he is behaving this way, remove all the other kids and walk away from him, ignore those behaviors. When he wants to be kind, then and only then, show him attention. Kids being rewarded for good behavior, makes them grow up to constantly expect something. You have good behavior then you get to go on the trip to Seaworld with us. If you have bad behavior you don’t. Kids like this need to know, you will get negative consequences for bad behavior and good consequences for good behavior and explain. This will carry through his entire life and give examples. If I go to work and spend all the money on what I WANT to do verses what I NEED to do, then guess what, We don’t have water (to take baths), we don’t have electricity (to play video games). He can then relate. When my son gets in trouble, we talk to him about what he has done wrong and then we let him know that he can only blame himself for his actions. If he is blaming anyone else, he is wrong and needs to think about how he can make the situation different. Role play a little at first so he can see. “Well, my sister made me mad so I cursed at her” Now his consequece is something like, no snacks, no games or in your case it sounds like he just likes the drama so remove all the other kids and completely ignore him” While he is on his own, let him know what actions he could have taken to make the situation different. This takes a lot of time but it is helping drastically with my son. He is really starting to take responsibility for his actions, he tells me what he did wrong and what he could do differently next time and so on. Maria, I hope all gets better in your chaotic world. I know things are getting better in mine. Sorry, not the best at explaining situations but I hope this helps.
Hi Maria..It is me, Jackie…
I know what you are going through.I just attented another ( of many ) workshop which deals with behavior problems in elementary school children.I feel strongly that a child psychiatrist will be able to help him,because the medication needed for him will make your boy feel better physically and will calm the behavior and the impulsive outbursts.One of my collegues has the exact same problems with one of her students. There is a game we used to use when I worked with kids your son’s age. It is called “The Talking Stick” The children take turns holding a stick ( any old non-splintery stick will do!) and while the person holding the stick speaks everyone else must be quiet. When he/she is finished saying his answer,he quickly hands it to the next person. ( The kids should be in a circle during this time ) This should be implemented by the teacher who really wants to handle a disruptive child or more than one ) It does work,but it takes patience. This game can be played at home,For instance every eve.,everyone should sit in a circle and tell about their day…Good things,bad things,etc.It is a nice way for everyone to get things off of their chest don’t forget to use the stick..have your son pick out a stick from outside that he might find interesting. Make your son feel important..It is clear to me that he feels like he is NOT important in anyone’s life,so hence the outbursts and the rationalization that the circumstances are all your
fault.These problems did not happen overnight,so to speak,so it is going to take a bit of time for everyone to heal. I wish I could speak with him myself..he might enjoy speaking to someone else who who knows children who have
been right where he is now . I hope a counselor who REALLY is knowledgeble with various childhood behaviors,anxieties,etc. can spend several sessions with him as well as a medical doctor who can prescribe a calming medication for him.This therapy worked wonders on a former student of mine,but the therapy,diet,and medication MUST be consistant,or nothing will change.Keep your spirits up,Maria,and if things improve,I would love to know.Oh, by the way…I know it sounds bizarre,but this works..have him take off his shoes and socks and massage his feet. This therapy is called ” REFLEXOLOGY ” It is an ancient Chinese custom similar to acupuncture..the feet are tied to the brain and foot massage eases tension and anxiety and is very calming.He is going to object at first,but reassure him that it is something really cool that your teacher-friend taught you to do and that it makes you feel really good!
Anyway ,take care of yourself..your friend,Jackie
Hi, I see that these were written about three weeks ago, but I feel the need to reply. I strongly agree with jackie about the massage techniques, accupuncture can really work wonders. Although, I would not be too hasty in getting him on medication. Some anti-anxiety and anti-depressant (which is most likely what he would be prescribed, even for anxiety) can exacerbate the symptoms in children and adolescents. The only things that I have seen truly work to help a child, positive reinforcement techniques and diet modifications. You could also start doing some exercises like yoga or walking together. This works wonders in relieving anxiety and would get some of his stored up energy out. Take care.
Well, hello all I have been at a stand still since my last posting. I have had problems with my son’s insurance and haven’t been able to make an appt with a psycologist. I am still having problems with him,however I am still working at it!! Now that school is out for the summer, the boredom has set in and the misbehavior follows. I am enrolling him in a day camp so he has things to do during the day. I believe that he is a little better than previously. My main problem with him is the talking back when he is told to do something or he’s stomps up the stairs mumbling. I have been losing it lately which I know is a bad thing! It just seems that throughout the day he just nags and nags! I haven’t been letting him play with his friends during the day as a punishment and have been using that as an incentive to behave. It seeems to be working for now!!! Well just wanted to keep posted any progress. If anyone is experiencing simiar issues with thier child, please shed some light on my situation!!!
Hi,Maria…Jackie here
I am glad things are a little better. School is still in session here. Day camp is just the thing for your son to give him structure during the summer.The orneryness may just be there until he matures somewhat. Catch him being “good” and surprise him with a reward. He will soon get the message.
Hang in there!
Your friend ,Miss J.
Maria,
I just signed on to Raising Small Souls and started reading your posts. I’m finding it very interesting to read about your situation (I can relate). I see that there hasn’t been any entries since June, but I hope that you will continue to update what advice professional are giving you; has there been any diagnosis, Rx, interventions, successful therapy; in general, how is the situation is moving along? Reading your story was like reading my own family jounal. (It’s very hard to find a good therapist; insurance can be a problem; it’s hard to get an accurate diagnosis; few professionals are willing to prescribe for anxiety or depression, Ped. Drs. tend to blow you off and mean while the child gets older and nothing changes.) Sometimes it seems like we’re chasing our tails, to speak.
Please make an entry of your progress:) Thanks!
iF YOU ARE READING THIS,mARIA,i HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD SUMMER . hOW IS YOUR SON? I WILL BE GOING TO A NEW SCHOOL STARTING IN SEPT AND I BELIEVE I WILL BE WORKING WITH KIDS YOUR SON’S AGE. LET ME KNOW IF THINGS ARE BETTER FOR YOU.
YOUR FRIEND,jACKIE
Hi
I was just doing a google on defiant kids and found your questions and answers. I to am dealing with my 7 year old who’s behavior has been up and down and increasingly worse being defiant, cheeky, talking back, arguing everything and being ignorant. It seems he just doesn’t care about school or his behavior.
He has told his teacher he wants to be a bum and that he hates school. He has previously been a bully at school (which I think we have stopped) and now is getting in trouble frequently for being “annoying” and disruptive. He has average grades except for maths (he hates maths). I have seen proof that he knows how to do the work and his messy printing is defiantly a lack of effort. We are going to a Phyc in November (again) I was told he may have asperger’s after being assessed was told he did not. Even with this behavior my son is a loving boy he is giving and thoughtfull. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day. Its all VERY frustrating.
Thanks heaps for this post it has given me some other ideas as to what to do.
Hi,Angela
Your son sounds SO familiar. I may have had him in my class a couple of years ago. He IS sweet and remember a little guy saying several times ” I love you,Mrs.——-. even though he misbehaved a lot. This little boy ( he was about 4 or 5 . I believe . and said he did not like school, was a sloppy painter , and told me he wanted to be a bum. I think he just has not had the right kind of teacher to motivate him. I always hated math, too ( and still do ) that is why I can empathize so much.with him. Unfortunately, the lead teacher at that time was a power hungry b—h and would never let me spend a lot of time with the little guy. He actually did ok when we were 1-on 1. I would just follow whatever the therapist tells you. Your little guy may just need a tiny bit of anti-anxiety medicine for a few years until school is not such an unpleasant place for him to be. I sure understand,because in SOME ways,I suffered in school as well. Just keep loving him up and really listen when he lets you. keep me posted. I care….your friend…Miss Jackie
Hello everyone,
To anyone who is reading this and is interested. Please do whatever you can to not put you child on drugs. By this I mean any anti-anxiety, or anti-depressive medication. Children do not have developed enough brains to handle these types of drugs and they can leave them with life long effects. Children need positive and negative reinforcement that is consistent; children don’t understand “sometimes”. They also need structure; everyday we do X at this specific time. And most of all they need love and motivation at all times; with holding this can never be a punishment. Thanks all, Kelly
Wow! I have an eight year old who continues to be sitting alone at school because he doesn’t seem to care to control his behavior. He does great academically, except for handwriting. He will blurt out little “zingers” as his teacher called them – he will belittle a girl for talking about her littlest pet shop toy, and comes off as rude. I feel like I don’t know what to do, and that is the worst feeling to have as a parent. I talked to his teacher today about talking to the social worker and principal at school to see if they will check him out. It’s hard, but I’m glad I told her how I feel like I don’t know what else to do. I can ground this boy for a week, and it’s back to mr. center of attention. Then when I talked to him after the conference, in the end he says he wants his dad to be close. We divorced over two years ago, his dad moved several hours away. He only sees him on holidays and goes to his house for the whole summer. More things that I think about is how the behavior of him just saying what he thinks and not caring that he’s hurting others’ feelings reminds me of his father. He is the complete opposite of me – i never rocked the boat. I am the youngest in my family and my parents have been married 37 years, and the first newborn I ever held was my own son…I don’t feel like I know how to relate. When he says something like, “it’s because I miss my dad” I often say, “but this is not something that can change, you have to go to school, you can’t let this get in the way..” I really don’t like saying that, but at the same time I have no idea what to say! It’s been rough…and all I can do is keep on doing what I can. I feel like I’ve been a single mother for years, just sometimes I wonder if the distance really is what is getting him – though! he was being sent to the principals office when he was in kindergarten. At this point I am providing him with the most stability he’s had, and it seems like he is behaving worse. The teacher says it will only snowball, and that is the truth. Any ideas or comments would be wonderful. Thanks!
and I do NOT want to go the medicinal route unless there were no other way…I want to do something natural!!! I’ve taken him to anger management, and now I continue the next route.
Shannon,
Not sure how long ago this was written but hope that things are improving with your son. Do you and your ex get along well? If so, maybe it will benefit your son if you could both sit down with him some time, yes, one of you will have to travel, and talk to him together. Let him know that you two are both on the same page. I come from a broken home but my parents always worked together to benefit us. If we were in trouble at Mom’s, we were in trouble at Dad’s. Both of you have to let him know that his behavior is not acceptable and he will be the one paying for it in the long run. Find a way for him to be more involved with his Dad. Once a month or every other month meet half way and visit for the day. Is there any way you can set up a video chat with his Dad where he can talk to him every night before bed or something? How much communication do they have through the year other than the summer/holidays? Maybe just a simple word from Dad on a nightly basis could improve his behavior. If you can’t do video chat, set up a facebook page for he and his Dad to share pictures and talk. Let him know you care about his separation from his Dad. Go to the park or the zoo or somewhere and take pictures and tell him that we are going to have these printed and you can write a letter and we will mail them to your Dad. It sounds like he does miss his Dad but if after trying everything you can to get involved, he is still behaving the same way, you know that is just an excuse. Get interactive and even though you may not be able to stand his Dad, I don’t know. Let your son know you understand his hurt. If you don’t try to fill that void he will fill it with something and nothing good will come of it. If the ex is just impossible to talk to, write him a letter and let him know your thoughts and what you would like to do to try to help your son and ask as nicely as possible for his support. If unwilling, try to get your son involved in cub scouts or a big brother group or some other group where he can have more interaction with the boys. You could go camping with him. If there is not a male figure around to fill those shoes, guess who has to fill them when Dad can’t be there? Right! You! At 8, they don’t understand, this is the way it is, deal with it and move on. They just don’t get it. Get him involved in activities that keep him busy and make sure you take pictures and have him write letters and share with his Dad. It will make him feel as though his Dad is still a part of without actually being there. If your son likes cars, go get a little model car, boat, plane or whatever his interest is and build it together. It certainly looks like he is looking for the bonding more than anything, whether it be with you or his Dad. I highly recommend cub scouts because it teaches so much, at a young age about obeying, helping others, trusting, caring and working for things. GREAT Group!! Hope something I have said may help.