Questions seem to be a popular technique that parents use when communicating with their children. As a parent educator I was always trained to be careful when questioning children because we parents will use questions to:

Admonish our children:

“Why do you always have to give me a problem when you get into the car?”

Initiate conversations:

“How was school?”

Undermine A Child’s Feelings:

“Why are you getting angry, its no big deal?” “What are you getting so excited for, its not like I am asking you to clean the whole house, just your room?”

 Criticize:

“Why are you wearing that?”

Motivate:

“Don’t you want to do your homework now instead of waiting for the last minute?”

 Control:

“What time are you going? Who is going with you? Do you think this is a good idea? When will you be back? Who is driving?”

I think you get the picture. Children become confused and overwhelmed when they are asked many questions. They find even the simplest questions to be intrusive and annoying. Often they close down, refusing to communicate.

So is there ever a time when we can question our kids?

As a speech therapist I was trained to only ask open-ended questions as opposed to close ended questions. This technique is used in many fields, education, counseling, mediation, and journalism.

According to mediacollege.com, an open-ended question is designed to encourage a full, meaningful answer using the subject’s own knowledge and/or feelings. It is the opposite of a closed-ended question, which encourages a short or single-word answer. Hence, the reason why kids will not talk to us when we say, “So, what did you do in school today?” Open-ended questions also tend to be more objective and less leading than closed-ended questions.

Open-ended questions typically begin with words such as “Why” and “How”, or phrases such as “Tell me about…”. Often they are not technically a question, but a statement which implicitly asks for a response and helps promote conversation.

For example, instead of asking:

“Why do you always have to give me a problem when you get into the car?”

Ask:

“Can you tell me the best way for you to get into the car?”

Instead of:

“How was school?”

Say:

“Tell me a little about your new math teacher, I hear he has a new way of teaching algebra.”

Instead of:

“Why are you getting angry, its no big deal?”

Ask:

“Can you give me an idea of why you sound so frustrated about cleaning your room?”

Instead of:

“Why are you wearing that?”

Try:

“Can you tell me if there is a dress code for this event?”

Instead of:

“Don’t you want to do your homework now instead of waiting for the last minute?”

Try:

“Can you tell me your plans for getting your homework done tonight?”

Instead of:

“What time are you going? Who is going with you? Do you think this is a good idea? When will you be back? Who is driving?”

Ask:

“I am concerned about your schedule tonight. Can you give me a minute to let me know, time of departure, the friends going with you, designated driver and when you will be home?”

Talking effectively to kids can take a lot of patience and practice. Asking the right questions can help.

My Commitment to Parent Education

by:  Alan Carson

ACPI Coach for Parents and Parent Educator

PARENTING TWEENS & TEENS WORKSHOP:  Reserve your slot right now — CLICK HERE!

After years as a high school health education teacher and basketball coach, I received my school guidance counselor degree and looked forward to my second career as a middle school guidance counselor. I was also looking forward to being a first time father. The combination of these two events led me to want to initiate parent education classes for our parents.

I believe most of you would agree that when you are anticipating the birth of your first child, you spend a lot of time reflecting on the kind of person you are and the kind of person you need to be— and how to make that transition. I clearly remember dwelling on these things:

1.  I was pleased with my relationship with most of my students, but was not  at peace with my interactions with other students. I would need to  change my behavior and my attitude; I would need to be an effective, caring  school counselor for all kids— regardless of whether I liked each student.

2.  The most amazing kids I worked with almost universally had loving, dedicated, and fun parents. Therefore, I concluded that if I were the parent  I needed to be, I would raise a great kid. I concluded nurture was stronger than nature.  No excuses.  Regardless of my child’s issues or temperament, she would be a good person.

3.  I would not be an effective leader for my students or my daughter if I didn’t work to be a better person myself ( my occasional poor response when angry was one example). Within the first several years as a counselor and  father, I read twenty good parenting books, and to date have read close to a hundred related books. I reflected on what I read and accepted what made   sense to me based on my career with kids, and rejected what did not. Slowly   over time I moved away from the parent education program I started with         and created a course that worked for me.

4.  There is no way I could facilitate parenting classes unless I walked the talk, and my child was developing into the person I envisioned her to be.

My commitment to the class members was this: if the topics we addressed in class were not working at home with my daughter, I will stop facilitating  classes. I’ll conclude by saying my daughter is now a freshman in college and parent education/coaching is still my passion.

The reason parent education is so important is that it gives you a philosophical basis for making parenting decisions and for responding to problems.  For example, I relied on my “new” wisdom when my daughter:

• kicked me and spit on my when she was seven

• acted like a spoiled brat when we took her on nice trips;

• failed to show gratitude

• wanted to watch television while doing homework beginning in the 6th   grade

• had a friend who I thought was a bad influence

• expected to have or attend sleepovers when the opportunity arose

• asked to be dropped off at a party after the 9th grade Homecoming Dance

• was devastated when she wasn’t chosen for the Chamber Choir in high  school

• wanted a cellular phone in 5th grade

This is the benefit of taking a comprehensive parent education course.  At the conclusion of the course, you are a different person with new skills and tools. You’ll think before making decisions, you will get angry less often, you’ll listen better and you won’t own all of your kids’ problems.  A whole new set of challenges comes into play with teens. Ellen, Vivian and I guarantee you will be a better parent s a result of taking this course— it comes with a money-back guarantee!

Weekly curriculum

Week 1: Parenting with a vision; Parenting leadership

The culture of neglect

The value of struggle

Self-esteem, self-concept and self-worth

Praise and recognition

Week 2:  What is your parenting style

Letting Go

Responsibility

Discipline vs punishment

Week 3:  Discipline

Why anger is counterproductive

Power struggles vs giving choices

Week 4:  Discipline wrap-up

Problem Ownership

Communication; being a safe listening presence

Week 5:  Communication

Week 6:  Sibling Rivalry

Sexuality and the teen culture

Drinking and the party scene

PARENTING TWEENS & TEENS WORKSHOP:  Reserve your slot right now — CLICK HERE!

Wendy Ludlow, LCSW
Child development expert
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
646-213-0294

Parents often come to my office wanting to know how to get their child to behave. Take listening for example: “He just won’t listen to me. No matter how many times I ask him not to take his sister’s things-it just gets worse and worse. I GIVE UP! I’ve tried everything”! but when asked by me (a therapist specializing in play and cognitive behavioral therapy for children): “Well, what are you doing to strengthen his listening behaviors?” I am often given a stare of disbelief and confusion.

A critical mistake often made by parents is the effort and attention given to stopping an unwanted, maladaptive behavior (not listening) vs. the attention given to the desired, pro-social behavior (good listening). As a result, discipline efforts such as yelling, spanking, and humiliation tactics are used and neither child nor parent ends up feeling very good about much. To add, and this is key, the child being given so much verbiage about how they don’t listen is steadily and more strongly developing his skills at being a non-listener.

Attention is the key. All behavior is developed due to reinforcement (verbal and physical attention) or lack there of from one’s caregivers. Attention is a powerful tool in creating behavior, a fact not disputed by any professional in the field of child development. In fact, the research is clear on this fact. That means that the more attention a parent can give a child for the times that they ARE in fact listening (or keeping their hands to themselves, or doing a kind act…) – the better results they will achieve in having a child who listens.

Here is a list of 5 things that you can say to your child in support of promoting and developing their good behaviors! In discipline, I can say with confidence that giving attention to the good behaviors – no matter how minute they are in the beginning – will in the long run get the behaviors that you want; not the punishment. Try saying these sentences to your child several times a day and watch the new behavior blossom!

1. What a great job you are doing of ______________ (ex. listening to me right now)
2. Wow, I am so impressed with how you are_____________ (looking at me and listening to me talk).
3. I am really noticing what a good __________________ (listener you are becoming).
4. Does everyone in this room see how Johnny is doing such a good job of _______________ (listening right now?)
5. You are an amazing __________________ (listener).

Wendy Ludlow, LCSW is a Child development expert currently serving clients in NewYork. Ms. Ludlow is a licensed clinical social worker, and a registered play therapist-supervisor with specialized training in the treatment of children, adolescents, and families. She currently offers an array of therapies for young children and adults, including play therapy.

More resources for positive children discipline

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

Positive Discipline A-Z: 1001 Solutions to Everyday Parenting Problems (Positive Discipline Library)

Fun and Easy Summer Activities to Keep Your Child Reading and Writing

Research shows that many children drop as much as half a grade in reading ability over the summer because they stop reading for three months. Writing skills can fall behind too. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Reading and writing over the summer doesn’t have to be boring.

From paper chains, to writing poems, from book clubs to crossword puzzles, you and your children are in for a summer of reading and writing fun. It’s a known fact that children, as well as adults, learn more when they are relaxed and happy! So, here’s to a summer of fun that builds school skills.

Let’s Read

Buy Music, Art, Cook or Joke Books: Do your children love to sing? Do they love to draw? Cook? Or tell jokes? From reading the words to their favorite songs to cooking up the family’s dinner to sharing knock knock jokes, reluctant readers will be reading.

Make Origami: Without realizing it, kids are reading as they follow directions to make an origami bird. You’ll find books on origami in local book stores, online, at your library. Be sure to help your child pick a book that has origami they can make. Some origami is complicated even if the directions are easy to read.

Make a Vocabulary Paper Chain: You don’t have to have a party to make a paper chain. All you need are scissors and piles of construction paper. Write a new vocabulary word and its definition on each strip of paper, keeping the writing on the outside of each link. Keep adding a new link for each new vocabulary word. Watch the chain grow as your child’s vocabulary grows.

Do Crossword Puzzles, Word Finds and Word Jumbles: Word games and puzzles are perfect for developing minds. They not only build vocabulary but help with following directions and focusing skills. Kids can make their own puzzles. If they want help designing the grid, you can find several puzzle-makers on line.

Play Board Games: Scrabble, Go to the Head of the Class, Charades, and Monopoly are just a few of the great board games that are fun and educational. Many board games come in different editions from easy or junior to adult.

Buy Mad Libs: Did you have Mad Libs as a child? It’s the perfect way to learn parts of speech. Without ever having to do pages of drill looking for nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs, kids laugh their way through pages of silly outrageous stories while learning parts of speech.

Go Back in History with old Comic Books: Search your attic for those old Superman, Batman or Spiderman comics. Before you know it, your reluctant reader will be attached his favorite superhero. Or how about Little LuLu, Donald Duck, Archie and Veronica and Peanuts.

Start a Book Club: If your local library doesn’t offer a book club, start one yourself. Let your child decide with you on several titles. Invite her friends over and hold the first book club meeting. Several online sites have great suggestions for starting book clubs.

Let’s Write

Make a Word Collage: Cut words, phrases and sentences out of old magazines. Paste them together to write a story. Cut out or draw pictures to illustrate the story.

Write to a Pen Pal: A pen pal can be a relative or friend that lives in the next town, state or in another country. Children enjoy writing, addressing, and mailing letters to a friend, especially if it means getting a letter back in the mail.

Keep a Diary: Many kids love to write down what they’ve done every day. A fun routine is to write what you did everyday of your summer vacation. Since it may become too much every day, a special diary can be written just about camp or the family vacation.

Not all of these activities will appeal to every child. Let your kids pick what they want to do. Summer is certainly a time to relax and have fun. At the same time, you want your child to keep moving forward with reading and writing.

Dr. Linda Silbert and her husband Dr. Al Silbert are authors of the award-winning book Why Bad Grades Happen to Good Kids. They are directors of the Strong Learning Centers, a full service tutoring and test prep company in NY and other states. Contact them at www.StrongLearning.com or call 1-845-628-7910. For more school success strategies, sign up today for “Dr. Linda’s School Success Newsletter.” It’s free at www.StrongLearning.com

by Linda Silbert, PhD

Saving “No” for the Big Things

by:  Alan Carson

ACPI© Coach for Parents

I enjoy writing parenting articles for Ellen Braun’s Raising Small Souls website and appreciate Ellen’s willingness to post them.  I also look forward to reading the comments submitted by parents and respond to them when I can add something constructive.

The most recent reply that appears at the bottom of my Letting Go Pt 2 article is from Michele, who “totally disagrees” with my philosophy regarding cell phones.

For those who have not read the article or Michele’s response, it is my belief that we allow pre-teens to earn cell phones, and Michele (I trust I am being fair to Michele) feels 5th, 6th and 7th graders do not need a cell phone. When parents oppose my ideas, I do not get defensive or irritated, but use the contrary opinion to self-reflect on what I believe and why I believe it, and how to articulate myself better.

The heart of the matter for me is this— I save NO for the big issues in life. Yes, I have lots of power and I could use it anytime I want, but what is my goal? Is my goal to show my daughter that I am the boss, decide what she can and cannot do, and what she can and cannot have? I could control my daughter’s life and say:

• “Get off of the computer and clean these dishes up right— now!”

• “No, you will not be sleeping over at Sophie’s house this weekend.”

• “You are only going into 7th grade. You do not need a cell phone. And, by the way, I don’t care if all of your friends have a phone. So don’t even make that argument.”

• “You are not spending your babysitting money on a new sandals– you have plenty of sandals.

• “You are not getting a part time job. You show very little responsibility as it is.”

Below are the reasons why this is really important issue for me– again, the issue is not the cell phone, the issue is saving no for the big things.

1) How is my pre-teen or teen ever going to learn to make decisions, and make good decisions if I make all of the decisions for him? We learn by making decisions and by being held accountable for those decisions.

2) If I micromanage my son’s life, how will he ever learn to trust himself and his ability to make good choices. He won’t! I believe there would be major ramifications that would result in low self-esteem, and as he gets older and exerts his need for independence, rebellion.

3) If my son constantly hears no, when I really need him to respect my no, it will mean nothing to him– he would be sick of my controlling ways. However, if I only say no when I need to (safety issues, long term ramifications), then it is far more likely that my child will listen and will understand that I must really feel strongly about a specific issue to say no.

For example, today my 18-year-old daughter wanted to take friends to dinner on the other side of Pittsburgh, which means she would have been driving through rush hour traffic with three other girls in the car, and possessing minimal experience driving in rush hour traffic. In my mind, it was a legitimate safety issue for my daughter and three other people who were in the car. I said, “No.”

When she said, “I don’t understand why it is such a big deal this time, you’ve let me drive before,” I said, “Sarah, did I not just let you go to a concert Thursday night? Didn’t I let you go to your boyfriend’s house until midnight on Friday? And didn’t I agree to let you go to a friend’s house after work on Saturday night even though you had to be at church on Sunday morning at 8:00? So, for me to say no means I am not comfortable with what you want to do. When is the last time I said no, Sarah?”

That was the end of it– there was no argument.

4) A connected relationship with our pre-teen and teen acts as a protective factor against the crazy, unhealthy behaviors that often accompany the teen years. If you loved and respected your parents and would never want to hurt them, wouldn’t you think twice before doing something that would break their hearts? We don’t want to disappoint people we respect.

5) From my perspective, good parenting involves understanding our child’s world from his or her point of view. I don’t care about the Jones’s, but I do want my daughter to see me as being understanding and being able to relate to what life is like for her. With respect to the cell phone, that is how young people stay connected to each other, averaging over 2000 texts a month. They text and only actually speak to each other when it is an important or complicated situation. If I did not permit my daughter to have a cell phone in 7th grade I can guarantee you that she would feel completely isolated from her peers. She would go to school the next day and be clueless about what everyone else has “talked” about. My daughter would feel some resentment toward me. Is it worth it? Am I willing to risk impacting my relationship with my daughter because I of my beliefs about the appropriateness of a cell phone for a 7th grader? I would much rather create a win-win and provide her with a cell phone (if our family could afford it), but would also establish clear expectations.

6) The best chance we have of teaching our adolescents to make good decisions is to help them earn the privileges that they want because once they have earned those privileges, we trust they will behave responsibly in an effort to maintain their standard of living.

7) As our kids enter adolescence, our role is to prepare them for the real world, not protect them from the real world. I don’t like accepting this, but it is true. To not prepare our kids for parties, concerts, driving on the interstate, and managing cell phones and Facebook, is setting our kids up for failure when they leave home. As the saying goes, it is like throwing lambs to the wolves. Our ability to teach and shape our kids occurs when they are living at home with us, not when they are on their own for the first time in college.

In summary, we need to work to keep a connection with our kids as they enter the teen years. If we do not, they will slowly drift away from us and our influence over their behavior and choices will be minimal. If our kids see us as respectful, understanding, and interested in their lives and welfare, we can work with them to create win-wins.

Alan Carson is an ACPI© Coach for Parents and the author of Before They Know It All:Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality. Alan’s website is www.coachforparents.net and can be reached through e-mail at alancrsn@gmail.com

While working as a middle school guidance counselor, a young 6th grade teacher called me from her classroom telephone and asked if we could talk about an e-mail she received from a parent. I said, “Of course,” and went up to her classroom during her planning period. The teacher had printed the e-mail and handed it to me. It read as follows:

Dear Mrs. Doe:
My daughter was very upset yesterday when she got home because of the grade she got on the test she took in your class. Amy put a lot of time into studying and strives for perfection in her school and co-curricular activities. She is a first chair violin player in the orchestra, she was chosen to ice-skate between periods at a professional hockey game and she sings with an elite children’s choir. She was thrilled to earn a 100% on her test, but to have that taken away from her because she forgot to put her name on the paper seems a little harsh.
She is not a repeat offender so why take a perfect grade away from a child because she didn’t write her name? It was an accident probably due to being apprehensive and surely something that could and would not happen again. Was it necessary to take a perfect grade away from a hard working child? Wouldn’t a simple reminder have been OK?

I don’t need to use this space to discuss my conversation with the teacher. But we do need to address the difficulty this parent was having with letting go. The teacher did not rip Amy’s test up and throw it away, she did not give Amy an “F,” she simply took two points away from this 6th grader’s test score. In my opinion, this teacher was trying to gently teach Amy an important lesson. Mom didn’t like seeing her daughter upset and took it upon herself to contact the teacher.

One of our essential roles with our kids is to gradually let go and permit them to accept more responsibility for their own lives. If we don’t let go, our kids will lack the internal strength and skills to function independently when they leave home for college or work. The goal is to let go gradually so that our children will either experience success or will succeed after learning from their mistakes.

For the purpose of this article, we’ll assume our child is entering middle school as a 6th grader. What skills, traits, and abilities to hope our child possesses? To name a few, he can:

- Complete homework independently
– Ask teachers for help when he is confused
– Gets himself ready for school on time
– Pack his own gym bag
– Resolve conflicts peacefully with others
– If necessary, wash and dry his clothes, and make a simple dinner

We cannot parent a twelve-year-old the way we parent a ten-year-old. We have to expect and demand steady growth. However, accepting this philosophy requires that we be comfortable with our kids making mistakes. Let me ask a question: would we rather our child make a mistake when he is young or make a mistake when he is in high school? This is a no-brainer. The mistakes high school kids make are far more serious: drinking alcohol, having sex, vandalism, skipping school, drag racing– you name it. What mistakes to 4th graders make? Forget to do their homework, go to school without their lunch, gossip about another kid, talk in class, stay up too late and get sick to their stomach from eating too much junk food.

Therefore, we want our kids to make mistakes when they are young and the consequences are normally short term. We want them to experience what it feels like to do stupid things so they learn that making poor decisions leads to things not turning out well for them. We hope that these experiences will leave a lasting impression and they will learn to consistently make good decisions.

Here is one simple example with my daughter. One of my duties was to take my daughter to dance class. In October, it might be fairly warm at 6:00 pm, and Sarah would not think she needed a coat. Well, by 8:30, it might be really cold and Sarah would be shivering in the car until the heat kicked in. I chose to let go of the coat issue and allowed her to make that decision. It didn’t take long before she started asking my opinion and following my recommendation.

If we want our children to develop a sense of responsibility, make good choices, become self-disciplined and listen to our point of view, we have to let go and allow our children to accept more ownership for their lives.

Here is part two, the art letting go when our tweens and teens want freedom.

Alan is an ACPI® Coach for Parents, and author of Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality, which is available from his website as an e-book–
www.coachforparents.net. Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com

By Caron B. Goode, Ed.D.

Every morning, six-year-old Josh and his mom clash. A daydreamer by nature, Josh moves through life at a slower pace than his task-oriented mom. This is most evident in the morning when meandering Josh and his highly organized mother are trying to get out the door. This daily struggle highlights their obviously different personal styles.

Personal style is a natural predisposition toward time, stress, people, tasks, and situations. It is also the foundation on which preferences, reactions, and life values are built. When parents understand their child’s personal style, communication and interactionbecome easier and more effective. This can be instrumental in helping parents achieve the behavioral results they want, and the harmony they desire.

What is Your Child’s Personal Style?

According to Terry Anderson, Ph.D., Canada Research Chair in Distance Education at Athabasca University, there are four personal style categories: behavioral, cognitive, interpersonal, and affective. There are bits and pieces of each personal style in all of us, but individuals typically exhibit one that is dominant.

Behavioral, Doer

Behavioral-style children need freedom and self-expression. They are often bold, willful, productive, competitive, unemotional, and self-reliant. These children rarely talk about their problems or emotions. Instead they set goals, and take action. They like to be leaders, and enjoy being recognized for their achievements. Behavioralstyle children are independent learners, and prefer real-life examples rather than abstract thinking or discussion. They enjoy structure, dislike control, and will question authority if their parents appear incongruent.

Parenting Behavioral-Style Children

Parents of behavioral-style children should engage a no-blame, non-emotional approach to communication. Since these children are typically unemotional, demonstrative parents shouldn’t take it personally if their child doesn’t respond in kind. These children appreciate fairness, logic, honesty, and directness. When assigning tasks to your behavioral-style child, set the structure, but do not stand over or try to direct his or her activities. You should give your child the task, state the benefit or reward, and ask when and how it will be completed.

Cognitive

Cognitive-style children need affirmation and understanding. They are deep thinkers who like to thoroughly examine issues. They value intimacy, respect, and good relationships.  Cognitive-style children take instruction well, and admire expertise and knowledge. They are organized, enjoy working with data, and can be perfectionists. Because their talents often lie in numbers and mathematics, they may spend hours at their computers.

Parenting Cognitive-Style Children

Showing a cognitive-style child appreciation and respect goes a long way towards developing a good relationship. When assigning these children a task, remember cognitive children are not competitive and might not respond to rewards or games. Instead, lay out the activity and provide the time and freedom necessary to complete it.

If the task goes unfinished, do not argue with the child or make generalities. Cognitive-style children respond best to calmly stated facts such as, “You didn’t clean your room today,” as opposed to, “You never clean your room.” In addition to calmly stating the facts, parents should offer only constructive suggestions, not criticism. As perfectionists, these children criticize themselves enough without any help.

Interpersonal

Interpersonal-style children need appreciation and trust. They are highly perceptive, and require honesty in communication and relationships. These children are the family peacemakers. They worry if there are arguments or illnesses, and feel disharmony deeply, often internalizing it. Interpersonal-style children are sometimes shy, and value secure relationships and stable environments. Therefore, they do not fare well with transitions unless they are prepared beforehand.

Parenting Interpersonal-Style Children

Interpersonal-style children respond well to friendly non-threatening communication. They listen well and are observant. Therefore, modeling behavior for them is key. As peacemakers, they willingly join forces with parents to solve problems. When assigning tasks, interpersonal-style children prefer graduated stages of difficulty so they can easily mark their success. If the hardest problem is presented first, these children often feel overwhelmed and don’t complete the tasks at hand. If parents show their appreciation for these children, they feel great about themselves.

Affective

Affective-style children are highly creative and artistic. As adults, they are often called visionaries or dreamers. They learn by doing, and need to feel through things before making decisions. They easily live in the world of ideas, and are drawn to expressive outlets like writing or organizing games around friends. They enjoy variety, like being the center of attention, and crave acknowledgement for their creativity. They also value their friendships and easily enjoy life.

Parenting Affective-Style Children

Affective-style children respond to affection, conversation, and personal attention. Allow them to be creative, and encourage them to participate in drama, group activities, and peer counseling. They are also excellent at fund raising, and rise to challenges when they are presented with excitement and fun. Be sure to offer them structure, as well as positive and enthusiastic discipline. And, good luck asking these kids to take out the garbage!

Dr. Caron Goode is a parenting expert and the director of the Academy of Parent Coaching International. The Academy offers a parent coaching certification program for individuals interested in helping families nurture and grow their children. For more information, visit www.acpi.biz

How can you and your child get past you walking in on her (7 years old) watching an Adult movie for about 1 hour & 23 minutes  to be exact.  My husband was watching her and fell asleep, so she chose her own movie.

Sincerely,

Eva in San Fransico, CA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult to answer without having a discussion to sort out the details. My answer is brief but will hopefully lead you in the best direction for how to deal with this unfortunate circumstance:

• I am in no place to make judgments on the kind of videos you have in your home. However, I will say, first and foremost, you and your husband need to find a discreet place where you can keep Adult movies where they are not accessible to your seven year old child.

• Your daughter will need help processing her feelings toward what she saw in the video. I strongly suggest you speak with a professional one on one and get some guidance about how to proceed.

• These types of visual images are too difficult for a child of 7 to comprehend. They were probably quite disturbing to her and with it being her first exposure to visual sexual content, her understanding for what ”healthy sexual behaviors” are, is at risk of being skewed. You may start noticing some inappropriate sexual acting out from your daughter as she tries to process what she has witnessed. It may also be advisable that she too has some counseling to make sense of what she saw and put it in a context that will not affect her self-esteem or her attitude toward sex in the future.

Question:

Sincerely,

Anne – Philadelphia, PA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a pediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Anne,

In North America we have age of majority. In Canada, most provinces are 19, some are 18 and in the U.S it is 21. Drinking under age is against the law. Regardless of what your personal views are on minor’s drinking, if a 13-year-old were to be caught by police, it is a chargeable offense. The parents of your son’s friends are liable in these situations too. Because your son is so young, the parents’ of these friends would probably be charged in lieu of your son. Either way, who wants to get involved in that?

When you say he comes home with alcohol on his breath – is he drunk? And if it is happening a few too many times, you probably need to consider whether or not your son has an alcohol problem. If he does, he needs help! Statistics show that there is an increased risk for alcoholism the younger a person starts drinking (varies by culture).

The other issues I wonder about is whether he is drinking in the presence of these friends’ parents? Or are the parents not home? I would suggest asking your son what the situation is over at his friends’ houses. Have you tried calling these parents and having a discussion with them? – perhaps they are not aware that their son and his friends are drinking and could put measures in their house that prevents it from happening. Perhaps they do know and don’t care, which is ultimately putting your son at risk! Then you need to decide if you want your child going there anymore.

Even though you say your husband doesn’t get drunk – using any substance to mask or deal with something like pain, or anxiety or not sleeping can be problematic. The issue is that usually the body builds up a tolerance – so when two glasses of wine don’t help him fall asleep anymore it becomes three, then four etc. Before you know it, you have created a problem. Just be careful with that one. As well, if your son is aware that your husband only drinks to “fall asleep” you are communicating the need for substances outside of one’s self to help one cope. Maybe your son is drinking because he is dealing with some issue like anxiety, or social incompetence, or peer pressure where he thinks he will only be liked if he goes along with his friends and drinks. If Dad is saying it’s no big deal to have a drink “now and then” — your son has just been given permission to drink — even though you don’t think it’s right, a child will usually go with the parent who is going to let him do something!

You and your husband have to come to some kind of agreement on this issue and stay on same page when dealing with your son.

Talk to your son about how he is feeling. Refrain from lecturing about drugs and alcohol – you’ve tried that and obviously it had no benefit. Let your son know that you are there for him, no matter what. You may have to start imposing restrictions on his time away from home until you can get this sorted out and build back trust.

It’s after a couple of weeks, and very abruptly she bursts into crying and tells us how much she misses him. I think now that he isn’t there in person for any occasion she has realized that she will never meet him or see him. I keep telling her to talk to him in prayer and ask him to ask over beloved father in heaven to grant our sincere favors.

I have noticed that she has started acting out and in some cases has stopped performing well in school.

Please help. Thanks in advance for all your advice.

Sincerely,

Andrea

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Andrea,

Grief is a very individualized process. Not all of us will grieve in the same way or for the same length of time. It is a particularly complex process for children, based on their age and stage of development and understanding about death. Your daughter is only 6 years old; given her cognitive abilities at this age, her reactions seem very typical. I have listed a couple of articles that provide a great deal of information on the stages of the grieving process for young children that will hopefully put into context and perspective your daughter’s experience dealing with her loss.

Grief and Children
Healing Children’s Grief

Some additional thoughts:

Younger children do not usually have adequate language skills to express emotions of grief. Young children are their feelings – what they do with their bodies (how it is manifested – crying, stomach aches, acting out) is their grief. Art and play therapy are an effective way to get children to work out feelings of loss and come to terms of acceptance. Check out resources in your area for psychologists or child and adolescent therapists that specialize in art or play therapy.

* Children’s grief support groups can also help in the healing process – many funeral homes or hospices may offers such groups for children.

* Children often appreciate being offered pictures and possessions of the deceased person as a way of supporting their grieving process. Allow them to have clothing of the person, to play with objects and to have discussions about the person.

• Take the child’s lead in how much information they are seeking and be honest (but sensitive) with your answers.

Check in with the child from time to time to see if she is requiring support or needing more information. Be open to discussion. If she feels that you do not want to talk about Grandpa then she may feel ashamed of her own grief and may suppress her feelings.
When a family member passes away it disrupts the dynamic of the entire family – she is probably sensing this difference and is feeling afraid. Make every effort to communicate to her that she is safe and that you and your husband are still there to take care of her.

When a child’s parent is crying and upset it makes a child feel uncertain about the parent’s ability to carry on in the way that the child is use to. That is not to say you should hide your grief – quite the contrary – it is healthy for her to see you express your emotions (in an appropriate way of course) so that she learns about the process of dealing with loss. You just have to make certain that at the same time you are experiencing your grief that you are reassuring her that you are there to help her.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

On Tuesday there was an incident that two substitute teachers were in, and he told the classroom assistant he was going to bring his stapler to school to get her. He was sent to the principal’s office. I don’t know what was said at the principals office, however there was note that said if he continued with threats or physical aggression it may result in an out of school suspension.

Needless to say this is very disturbing to us. Any advice on this kind of behavior would be greatly appreciated.

Concerned about “Homeland Security”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Concerned,

I feel as though I am only getting a small piece of the picture, and it is challenging for me to give advice without knowing all the factors. For instance, you write that your son is a twin. I do not know how his brother reacted to any of this, or if he contributed in any way. You write about some scary behavior at school, but do not say what his behavior is like at home. I also can’t tell if this is the first time he made such violent threats, if he ever acts on them, or what is his baseline frustration/ tolerance level?

Despite this, I will provide some general guidelines.

The boys are five, almost six years old. At this age behavior is often modeled from others in his environment. When I hear of a young child behaving aggressively there are a few questions that come to mind. Is he exposed to violence on TV, movies or video games? There are many studies linking observing aggression, and learned behavior. One of the most famous studies is by Bandura a classical learned behavior theorist. He observed that children behaved most aggressively after watching aggressive cartoons, more so than other TV aggression or even a short segment of real life aggression. Keeping this in mind, I would take a second look at what he is watching, and limit him to more child-friendly shows and video games.

I also would like to know if anyone is bullying him. Kids who were victimized this way, may turn the tables in order to feel strong and in control.

How is misbehavior dealt with in your home? Children who are punished with corporal punishment, are very likely to behave aggressively in school.

You mentioned a speech delay. Is your son better able to express himself now? Unfortunately, kids who have difficulty communicating verbally may become very frustrated. It is not unusual for a child like this to lash out, out of anger and frustration.

Last but not least, what about his twin? Identical twins are very close and often share feelings and experiences. If this behavior is apparent with only one of the boys, it may be indicative of a unique situation that he faces, as apposed to something more innate in their wiring.

Certainly, your son needs to understand that this sort of behavior is harmful, and that people can get hurt. I agree with the zero tolerance attitude in today’s schools, even with young kids.