7 Deadly Habits that Destroy Relationships and 7 Connecting Habits

According to Dr. William Glasser, noted psychiatrist and author of numerous books, all relationships have the same fundamentals.

If you have not yet read ‘Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom’ then I urge you to do so now.  You can purchase a used copy for as little as one penny here:  Choice Theory on Amazon

When we behave in a manner that yields more connection between the two parties, then we are engaging in connecting habits. On the other hand, if we were to act in a way that promotes disconnection, then we would be doing one or more of the seven deadly habits.

The 7 Deadly Habits are:

1. Criticizing
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Rewarding to control (as in manipulating)

The 7 Connecting Habits are:

1. Caring
2. Trusting
3. Listening
4. Supporting
5. Negotiating
6. Befriending
7. Encouraging

 

Do you recognize your own actions anywhere in these lists?

In my next article, I will address a common question: “But if I don’t nag/threaten my daughter, then she doesn’t listen to me!”

Raising Vegetarian Kids

Guest post by:  Olivia Van Buren

“That is MEAT!,” my four-year old daughter will loudly exclaim every time we pass that aisle, the one I prefer to avoid for this very reason, in the supermarket. “SOME people eat meat. Those are cows, chickens, and pigs. See, there’s even a poster on the wall showing you what part of the dead animal you are getting.”

My children are third-generation vegetarians. My mother decided that she wanted to stop eating meat for ethical reasons when she was a teenager, and as a result I am a life-long vegetarian. For me, eating meat has little to do with ethics. Thinking about the bio-industry, I could certainly find many objectionable aspects of meat eating, but not eating meat was not a conscious choice I ever made. I was raised as a vegetarian and now I, too, am raising vegetarian children.

Answering questions from concerned meat eaters, I prefer to take up the viewpoint of the vegetarian former child. A meatless diet does not have to be any less nutritious than one that contains meat. Vegetarian children are not anemic by default, and they do not survive on a diet of salad and bread. Yes, vegetarian children are, sometimes, teased by their omnivore peers. But no, I don’t think they’ll grow up and blame their parents for depriving them of the pleasure of eating dead, often hormone-ridden animals. At least, I didn’t – I did try eating meat as a teenager, but I gagged every time I attempted to swallow a piece, so that adventure came to an end rather quickly.

Raising vegetarian kids requires no fantastic knowledge about nutrition. Vegetarian cooking can fantastic, exciting, and can provide a human being with everything they need to survive and thrive, including small souls. There is very little to say about the specifics of cooking healthy foods for kids who do not eat meat, beyond the universal “healthy and balanced diet” advice that is suitable for everyone, whether they eat meat or are vegetarian. Oh yes, proteins. We can get them from beans, tofu, cereals and grains (quinoa has been a wonderful recent discovery for us!), and fruit and vegetables.

The social aspect of raising vegetarian kids is more fascinating. As a vegetarian parent of vegetarian children, the one thing that worries me is how to instruct my children on not making meat-eaters feel bad about their choices, as they have recently been doing. Because eating meat is a valid choice, and there is nothing wrong with it. They might even want to try it themselves.

If at any point one of my kids decides to try eating meat, they are welcome and I will make no attempts to stop them. I will not, however, cook meat for them. As a life-long vegetarian, I would have no idea how. Actually, I think a meat meal I cook might have the power of putting anyone off meat for life, if they happen not to die of a listeria infection first! But so far, neither child has expressed any interest, although they have seen plenty of people eat meat. I am going to watch with interest to see if there will be a fourth generation of vegetarians in my family one day!

Olivia Van Buren is a journalist, feminist, and a mother of two. She blogs about pregnancy, labor, and birth, with a special focus on natural childbirth and unassisted homebirth at Write About Birth.

Stereotypes and parenting

Eric B. is a writer for Brookside Patio Furniture, which specializes in resin wicker patio furniture and other high quality patio furniture.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal entitled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” by Amy Chiu,
not only brings up nearly taboo subjects of race and culture, but calls directly into question the basic
model for Western parenting. There is a strong stereotype in the United States regarding successful and
smart Chinese people, and in my experience, a nearly universal rejection of the methods that stimulate
these results; “the ends don’t justify the means.”

The major issues I have with this article concern its anecdotal approach and ironically, its extreme
stereotypes. Not all western parents are as passive as the author claims, and the broadly
stated “parenting style” is difficult to quantify. The success of one method over another is never going
to be universal. All of this begs the question: is there any data to support her theory that Chinese
children are more successful than their Western counterparts, and if so, can you attribute that success
to the parenting style?

I don’t want to write a research paper attempting to quantify “parenting style” and apply this model
demographically to get a picture of what works and what doesn’t; I don’t think that it would be useful.
Indeed, my problem with Chiu’s essay stems from her mixed use of statistic and anecdote, leaving the
reader with the impression that her words are grounded in immutable fact. Every child is different, even
within families; each child may require very different methods to foster growth and success. What I will
do, is offer some words of wisdom combining my own experience and some of Amy Chiu’s advice.

Two pieces of advice in this essay ring true. “Nothing is fun until you’re good at it” and “children on
their own never want to work.” Children need a sense of discipline and goals; otherwise they’ll never
get to the point where they are self motivated. Chiu is right in the sense that as children grow and
succeed their motivation begins to come from within.

The problem I take with the “Chinese” methods Chiu presents are that the subjects are forced, and
that success is limited to a set of these core subjects. The goal of a parent should be to foster a sense
of wonderment and discovery so that a child can find his or her own path through the world. It’s
important that a child feel free to seek out and pursue their passion, and feel secure that a parents love
and support will still be there regardless of the subject they choose to pursue. Ensuring that your child
has as access to new avenues of discovery, and helping your child to form a regiment for practicing and
mastering the new things that they show an interest in should be your goal.

Codling children should not be on anyone’s list of priorities, but strong-arming a child into continuing
with something that they obviously don’t enjoy seems counter-productive to me. Forcing your child to
practice piano an hour a day is reasonable, but when they become a teen and want to try the guitar,
give them that option as long as they are willing to put the effort in.

Don’t get me started on the lack importance Chiu places on social development. If your child wants to
attend a sleepover, let them! Social skills are completely neglected in Chiu’s model; social events can be
a great learning experience. “I know you’re going to stay up late and have a great time at this sleepover
Billy. Just remember, regardless of how much sleep you get, I expect you to perform your daily chores

and practice your drums tomorrow.” This is an opportunity for you to instill an understanding of
responsibility in your child. Stay out late and have a good time, but wake up knowing full well that
expectations are undiminished.

The academic approach in Chiu’s method may be a quality that could use some work in the “western
parenting style.” While it may be true that some children simply lack aptitude for certain subjects, the
reality is that American public schools can be conquered with straight A’s by even the most average
student, provided they hit the books.

I’ll leave you with the following question. If this authoritarian parenting style were implemented
broadly across the US, would creativity and individuality survive? Would Jackson Pollock have painted?
Would Elvis Presley have played the guitar? I don’t have all of the answers, but when my child comes
to me with an idea for something new, I’m not going to tell them to drop it and get back to fulfilling my
own dreams.

Short Story

Mom, Dad and 6-year-old Tommy went to a restaurant for dinner.

After reading their menus, each member of the family placed an order.

Dad:  “I’ll have the garlic veal with fried rice.”
Mom:  “I’ll have grilled chicken with the chef’s salad.”
Tommy:  “I’ll have a corned beef sandwich with extra pickles.”

Mom hastened to interrupt, as she handed the menus back to the waitress, “Oh, don’t mind him, Tommy here will have a hamburger with fries, that’s what he always has.”

Several minutes later the waitress returned with a large tray of food.  She handed Dad the veal, and Mom got the chicken.  Then, she placed a corned beef sandwich in front of Tommy.

“MOM!  DAD!”  Tommy shouted in excitement.  “She thinks I’m REAL!”

~~~~~

Note: I read this story years ago, although I can’t recall where – do enlighten me if you know the source!

What can we as parents learn from this anecdote?  Does this story trigger any painful memories from your childhood?

Children’s Wants Versus Needs

The Art of Letting Go, Pt 2

by:  Alan W. Carson ACPI® Coach for Parents

In my first article on letting go, we focused on the importance of parents requiring that their kids accept an increasing amount of responsibility as they mature.  The goal is that our children can largely succeed on their own by the time they graduate from high school. Therefore, some of the traits and qualities our kids have to possess are self-discipline, time management, a good work ethic, resilience, passion, and strong people skills. If we are always hovering and rescuing our kids, we are sacrificing long-term success for short-term success.

In this second article, we’ll discuss letting go from our child’s point of view. In a nutshell, tweens and teens want more and more privileges and freedom. As I mentioned in last week’s article I was a middle school guidance counselor for fifteen years and consistently interacted with parents, often as a result of their child’s underachievement. In attempting to gather more information from these parents, I would often ask about the child’s routines, obligations and activities outside of school.  It was often the case that underachieving students lived the good life: time with friends, minimal responsibilities at home, an iPod and cell phone, and lots of screen time (TV, computer games, and social networks). When I hear these kinds of stories, I ask myself, “Why is this child given all of these privileges devoid of expectations? What is this student learning? How is this child going to afford this lifestyle as an adult if he has never acquired a work ethic while growing up?”

Our children need our love, attention, acceptance, support and time.  Our kids want but do not need computer games, iPods, Facebook, sleepovers and ultimately get their driver’s license and go to parties and concerts. We parents cannot let go and just give these kinds of things to our tweens and teens without requiring that they earn them.

Our kids are given what they need and earn what they want.  If we raise our kids to understand that privileges are earned, when they haven’t earned a privilege who are they going to direct their anger towards?  They need to be mad at themselves. We cannot allow ourselves to buy into their manipulation and conclude that we’re unreasonable parents.

We’ll look specifically at our child’s desire to have a cell phone.  Most kids start begging their parents for a cell phone in 5th or 6th grade. We’ll say my daughter, Annie, brings up the issue of a cell phone in the summer before her 6th grade year. If I am on the ball I say, “Annie, I have to think about this.”  One of the questions I ask myself is, “Does Annie normally display responsibility?”  If the answer is yes, I continue to give her request consideration and start thinking about the guidelines I expect her to follow.

If Annie is fairly irresponsible, she is not ready for a phone. These two issues are directly related. If I bought Annie a cell phone she needs to be responsible enough to:

- know where it is and not lose it

- keep it charged

- keep it on silent in school, church, etc

- keep it away from water

- turn it off at bedtime

- not misuse the phone by sexting or by sending nasty e-mails.

If Annie is not ready for the phone, here is what I say:

“Annie, I have given your request for a phone a lot of thought. At this time,   the answer is no, and here is why. Having a cell phone is a significant   responsibility. Thus far, you haven’t demonstrated to me that you are    responsible enough. I have to nag you to do your homework, you don’t clean up after yourself, it is almost impossible to get you out of bed in the morning, and most of the time I end up doing your chores.  Work on these things and  we’ll talk.”

This approach to earned privileges is beautiful.  We don’t argue, we don’t attack, and we don’t criticize. We place the burden where it belongs– back on our child.  We use the cell phone issue to influence her to become more responsible. If she wants a phone badly enough, she’ll shape up. If Annie responds with a disrespectful tone, we say:

“Annie, why are you giving me an attitude? I know you want a phone and lots  of your friends have them. I know you are missing out on all the texting that    goes on. But the bottom line is that I am happy to buy you a phone when I feel   comfortable that you’ll take care of it. To buy you one before you are ready is     to set you up to fail.”

[For the benefit of those of you with young kids, even impressive kids make mistakes-- they are kids. My superb daughter, a graduating high school senior is on her 4th phone.  The first went through the laundry because my wife doesn't check pockets, the 2nd fell in the toilet and the 3rd broke when it fell on a concrete floor. None of us are perfect.]

This philosophy holds true for all privileges: sleepovers, parties, getting your driver’s license, and video game consoles.  When our kids display the qualities they need to display, they get more perks. They get more perks because they have demonstrated the ability to make good decisions. When they continue to make good decisions, they earn more privileges. If they make poor decisions, privileges are removed until they convince us they have learned their lesson.  We should not agree to a privilege an then sit and worry all night about them.

Let’s prepare our kids to be successful, healthy adults!

Alan is an ACPI® Coach for Parents, and author of Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality, which is available from his website as an e-book–

www.coachforparents.net.  Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com

The Art of Letting Go

The Art of Letting Go, Part 1
Alan W. Carson
ACPI® Coach for Parents

While working as a middle school guidance counselor, a young 6th grade teacher called me from her classroom telephone and asked if we could talk about an e-mail she received from a parent. I said, “Of course,” and went up to her classroom during her planning period. The teacher had printed the e-mail and handed it to me. It read as follows:

Dear Mrs. Doe:
My daughter was very upset yesterday when she got home because of the grade she got on the test she took in your class. Amy put a lot of time into studying and strives for perfection in her school and co-curricular activities. She is a first chair violin player in the orchestra, she was chosen to ice-skate between periods at a professional hockey game and she sings with an elite children’s choir. She was thrilled to earn a 100% on her test, but to have that taken away from her because she forgot to put her name on the paper seems a little harsh.
She is not a repeat offender so why take a perfect grade away from a child because she didn’t write her name? It was an accident probably due to being apprehensive and surely something that could and would not happen again. Was it necessary to take a perfect grade away from a hard working child? Wouldn’t a simple reminder have been OK?

I don’t need to use this space to discuss my conversation with the teacher. But we do need to address the difficulty this parent was having with letting go. The teacher did not rip Amy’s test up and throw it away, she did not give Amy an “F,” she simply took two points away from this 6th grader’s test score. In my opinion, this teacher was trying to gently teach Amy an important lesson. Mom didn’t like seeing her daughter upset and took it upon herself to contact the teacher.

One of our essential roles with our kids is to gradually let go and permit them to accept more responsibility for their own lives. If we don’t let go, our kids will lack the internal strength and skills to function independently when they leave home for college or work. The goal is to let go gradually so that our children will either experience success or will succeed after learning from their mistakes.

For the purpose of this article, we’ll assume our child is entering middle school as a 6th grader. What skills, traits, and abilities to hope our child possesses? To name a few, he can:

- Complete homework independently
– Ask teachers for help when he is confused
– Gets himself ready for school on time
– Pack his own gym bag
– Resolve conflicts peacefully with others
– If necessary, wash and dry his clothes, and make a simple dinner

We cannot parent a twelve-year-old the way we parent a ten-year-old. We have to expect and demand steady growth. However, accepting this philosophy requires that we be comfortable with our kids making mistakes. Let me ask a question: would we rather our child make a mistake when he is young or make a mistake when he is in high school? This is a no-brainer. The mistakes high school kids make are far more serious: drinking alcohol, having sex, vandalism, skipping school, drag racing– you name it. What mistakes to 4th graders make? Forget to do their homework, go to school without their lunch, gossip about another kid, talk in class, stay up too late and get sick to their stomach from eating too much junk food.

Therefore, we want our kids to make mistakes when they are young and the consequences are normally short term. We want them to experience what it feels like to do stupid things so they learn that making poor decisions leads to things not turning out well for them. We hope that these experiences will leave a lasting impression and they will learn to consistently make good decisions.

Here is one simple example with my daughter. One of my duties was to take my daughter to dance class. In October, it might be fairly warm at 6:00 pm, and Sarah would not think she needed a coat. Well, by 8:30, it might be really cold and Sarah would be shivering in the car until the heat kicked in. I chose to let go of the coat issue and allowed her to make that decision. It didn’t take long before she started asking my opinion and following my recommendation.

If we want our children to develop a sense of responsibility, make good choices, become self-disciplined and listen to our point of view, we have to let go and allow our children to accept more ownership for their lives.

Here is part two, the art letting go when our tweens and teens want freedom.

Alan is an ACPI® Coach for Parents, and author of Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality, which is available from his website as an e-book–
www.coachforparents.net. Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com

Conflict Resolution

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a stay-at-home mom of two rambunctious boys, aged 5 and 3. lately, I feel like all they do is fight, fight, fight! (“I want the blue car” – “Me, me” – you get the picture!) How can I make it stop?

Thanks, A Frazzled Mom

Dear Frazzled Mom,

You may find comfort in the knowledge that fighting between siblings ranks very high in most people’s parental pet peeves. It’s loud, it’s intense, and sometimes it seems it will never go away. Before we tackle the question of to do about kids’ fighting, it’s important to step back and consider the large picture of what it is we’d like to accomplish when we intervene. You may be groaning and rolling your eyes. “I just want it stopped!” But let’s take a closer look at some vital lessons we can impart to our children along the way.

You have identified conflicts between young children: “You stole my stickers!” “Stop looking at me!” and the like. These conflicts will evolve into more complex conflicts throughout every age of childhood and the teenage years. In its various forms, conflict is inevitable. So the bad news is, your children probably won’t grow out of this anytime soon

But don’t despair. Before we resign ourselves to constant bickering, let’s take a look at the necessity of these conflicts and the opportunities they offer us as parents.

The possibility of conflict between two parties is present and unavoidable in every form of human interaction. People have needs, and these needs may conflict with those of another person. We know all about conflicts between siblings, but it isn’t difficult to identify conflict at every level: between neighbors (“He keeps blocking my driveway!”), in the workplace (“I put in all this work and she takes the credit!”), and even on global levels (“They stole our land!”).

Now let’s revisit the issue of fighting between siblings. When we widen our lens to take in the larger picture, the bickering takes on a new importance – a new potential. Fighting between siblings becomes a unique opportunity for children to learn conflict resolution skills in a supportive atmosphere. We offer them a virtual social laboratory, enabling them to learn these skills at their own pace, with plenty of opportunities to practice! Here, they learn to navigate the complex maze of human relationships. Here is a safe environment where they can utilize their unique endowment of strengths to build rewarding relationships while ensuring each party’s satisfaction. We can guide them in learning to get their needs met without impinging on someone else’s and how to be assertive and proactive without resorting to aggression or submission.

So next time the inevitable, “He kicked me!” is heard in your home, view it as a unique teaching opportunity. And have no fear: if you botched it the first time, rest assured you’ll have many additional opportunities at your disposal!

Firstly, whenever possible, ignore bickering. The guiding principle here, and among many other areas of parenting, is to foster responsibility among your children. Try to let the kids resolve these mini-conflicts; intervening should be done minimally and as a last resort so as not leave the children feeling as if they can’t handle it alone.

Sometimes you’ll hear the arguing beginning to escalate, and your intervention may be helpful. Not to judge or serve as a referee, but rather to help dispel the tension and allow the children to actually hear each others’ needs. Think of your role as that of a translator: your job is to translate each child’s screaming, name-calling, and even physical aggression, into a language the other child can hear and accept, while preserving the intensity and feeling and the needs communicated by the first child.

When you hear: “You’re such a disgusting slob! I can’t stand living with you! I spend hours cleaning up and you’ve wrecked it gain- now I have nowhere to hang out with my friends!”

You as translator can interject: “Whoa! You’re really mad. You’ve worked so hard and it’s frustrating to see all that work go to waste. And it’ll be embarrassing for to bring friends here…” This allows the children to deal with actual feelings and needs, without getting stuck in blaming and name-calling.

Finally, if fighting gets to a point where parental intervention is inescapable, try to use it as an opportunity to impart a bite-sized lesson of the values in your home (while physically restraining, if necessary.) “Stop! I see two children about to really hurt each other! You must be really mad! But in our house, we use our mouth to show each other we’re angry… Ben- you go to your room. Amy- to yours. When you’ve calmed down enough to talk it out, come out and work it through!”

Sibling conflicts can be an opportunity to teach our children some of our deepest values about respect, relationships, and communication. Seize the opportunity to share these lessons, and with time, you’ll begin to see your children mirror these values in their own relationships.

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Heart Energy

I came across some fascinating studies from the HeartMath Institute regarding the human heart’s energy output- which can dramatically change the way we perceive our interaction with our family each morning!

Scientists have discovered that the output energy of the human heart is larger than any other organ, including the brain. They measured blood pressure, heartbeat, and muscle tension and discovered that feelings stay with a person for eight hours!

That means that if I say, “I love you” and give my child a hug or touch his shoulder in the morning, that positive energy will stay with him all through his school day.

If I yell, “Hurry up!” or scream and criticize during breakfast time, that negative energy will remain in my child’s heart for the next eight hours of his day.

Sometimes, learning one new fact can change or actions more effectively that months or years of goal-writing and self-made commitments. What do you think?

“The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting”

On Saturday, Time Magazine was dropped through my mail slot and I glanced at the mail and was intrigued to see that the cover story was by Nancy Gibbs on the topic of “helicopter parenting”.

Here’s the introduction:

“Overparenting got way out of control in the past generation. But now a band of rebels is trying to restore some balance and sanity to family life and help bring all those anxious helicopter parents down for a soft landing”

Read the full article here:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/timemag.html

Here are some timely thoughts that you may want to consider as you read:

1.  Are there certain areas of our children’s lives where overprotection is a plus, yet other areas where it would be a minus?

2.  What have you personally learned as a result of a failure?  How can past failures be an instigator for future successes?

3.  Are parents searching for a “magic pill” or “secret recipe” to raising children which will allow them to stop thinking and simply rely on experts?

4.  My grandfather had specific jobs in the family farm when he was six years old.  How has our shift from a rural to an industrial society affected the way children contribute to their families and their level of responsibility and maturity?

What do you think?  Speak your mind below:

Here’s to a protective-but-not-too-protective parenting experience,

Ellen

A Parenting Nightmare

Question:

How can you and your child get past you walking in on her (7 years old) watching an Adult movie for about 1 hour & 23 minutes  to be exact.  My husband was watching her and fell asleep, so she chose her own movie.

Sincerely,

Eva in San Fransico, CA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult to answer without having a discussion to sort out the details. My answer is brief but will hopefully lead you in the best direction for how to deal with this unfortunate circumstance:

• I am in no place to make judgments on the kind of videos you have in your home. However, I will say, first and foremost, you and your husband need to find a discreet place where you can keep Adult movies where they are not accessible to your seven year old child.

• Your daughter will need help processing her feelings toward what she saw in the video. I strongly suggest you speak with a professional one on one and get some guidance about how to proceed.

• These types of visual images are too difficult for a child of 7 to comprehend. They were probably quite disturbing to her and with it being her first exposure to visual sexual content, her understanding for what ”healthy sexual behaviors” are, is at risk of being skewed. You may start noticing some inappropriate sexual acting out from your daughter as she tries to process what she has witnessed. It may also be advisable that she too has some counseling to make sense of what she saw and put it in a context that will not affect her self-esteem or her attitude toward sex in the future.

Teen Drinking

Question: My 13-year-old son has come home from friend’s houses with alcohol on his breath a few too many times. My husband says that a drink here and there is nothing to worry about. My husband is not an alcoholic; he hardly ever gets drunk although he has a glass or two of wine to help him fall asleep every evening. We’ve talked to our son about drugs and alcohol, and we live in a good school district, but his friends seem to have lots of access to adult beverages. I’m so worried about my son, I haven’t been sleeping well. Please advise!

Sincerely,

Anne – Philadelphia, PA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a pediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Anne,

In North America we have age of majority. In Canada, most provinces are 19, some are 18 and in the U.S it is 21. Drinking under age is against the law. Regardless of what your personal views are on minor’s drinking, if a 13-year-old were to be caught by police, it is a chargeable offense. The parents of your son’s friends are liable in these situations too. Because your son is so young, the parents’ of these friends would probably be charged in lieu of your son. Either way, who wants to get involved in that?

When you say he comes home with alcohol on his breath – is he drunk? And if it is happening a few too many times, you probably need to consider whether or not your son has an alcohol problem. If he does, he needs help! Statistics show that there is an increased risk for alcoholism the younger a person starts drinking (varies by culture).

The other issues I wonder about is whether he is drinking in the presence of these friends’ parents? Or are the parents not home? I would suggest asking your son what the situation is over at his friends’ houses. Have you tried calling these parents and having a discussion with them? – perhaps they are not aware that their son and his friends are drinking and could put measures in their house that prevents it from happening. Perhaps they do know and don’t care, which is ultimately putting your son at risk! Then you need to decide if you want your child going there anymore.

Even though you say your husband doesn’t get drunk – using any substance to mask or deal with something like pain, or anxiety or not sleeping can be problematic. The issue is that usually the body builds up a tolerance – so when two glasses of wine don’t help him fall asleep anymore it becomes three, then four etc. Before you know it, you have created a problem. Just be careful with that one. As well, if your son is aware that your husband only drinks to “fall asleep” you are communicating the need for substances outside of one’s self to help one cope. Maybe your son is drinking because he is dealing with some issue like anxiety, or social incompetence, or peer pressure where he thinks he will only be liked if he goes along with his friends and drinks. If Dad is saying it’s no big deal to have a drink “now and then” — your son has just been given permission to drink — even though you don’t think it’s right, a child will usually go with the parent who is going to let him do something!

You and your husband have to come to some kind of agreement on this issue and stay on same page when dealing with your son.

Talk to your son about how he is feeling. Refrain from lecturing about drugs and alcohol – you’ve tried that and obviously it had no benefit. Let your son know that you are there for him, no matter what. You may have to start imposing restrictions on his time away from home until you can get this sorted out and build back trust.

Progress, Not Perfection

Recently I noticed a bumper sticker in a parking lot which read, “Progress, not Perfection.”

Hundreds of examples of how to apply that motto to childrearing rushed through my head as I made my way past that shiny sedan.

Although most of those ideas flew right out of my brain by the time I got to the keyboard, I’m happy to be able to share what I can recall;)

Have you ever heard that if Christopher Columbus had invested one cent into a fund that yielded compound interest in 1492, that account would now be worth over $95 billion?

The moral is that ‘baby steps’ work.

Just because you can’t change the world (or yourself, or your spouse, or your child) does not mean that you ought not make the incremental changes that can accomplish a tremendous amount.

Let’s take a simple example of a positive family change:

“I will stop raising my voice in my communication with my children.”

What a wonderful, commendable resolution that is.

Realistically, it may last for two days, two weeks, or perhaps two months if we are particularly soft-tempered!

The general pattern of events is that certain levels of frustration result in shouting, which, in turn, will result in giving up on the above-mentioned resolution.

A roughly translated quote from an ancient sage reads, “He who grabs all is left with none.”

How aptly that describes our typical involvement in effecting positive changes.

As humans, we tend to reach for the stars. Thus, our failure to achieve those fantastic expectations results in discouragement.

Let’s try a new strategy, a strategy of progress.

How differently would the atmosphere my household radiate if I cut down on the number of times I raise my voice- without altogether pledging to eliminate any and all shouting?

Like Columbus’s proverbial penny, little changes add up to great transformations.

A small, positive shift in our behavior is likely to create a pleasant ripple of change through our family life.
Find two or three minutes of solitude, and ask yourself this: What can I do to make my child’s life a better one?

Additional quality time, more patience during mealtime, taking up a joint hobby, reading a book together- are just a few of the ideas that suddenly come to mind.

Figure out the concept that will work best for you and your child, and commit yourself to create progress- not perfection!

Happy parenting- the job where perfection is always elusive!

Next Page »