My Son is Ruining my Life!

Question: I am sorry about how this may sound, but my eight-year-old son is ruining my life. He is bossy, whiny, demanding, and disrespectful. This is despite years of my strictly enforcing our house rules of respect, proper conduct, and love. My husband and I are worn out and as our son gets older his bad behavior worsens. He has stolen money from my purse, habitually lies to us, whines and has melt downs. I know he can control himself because if he wants something he can be a perfect angel for weeks on end. Once he gets what he wants he reverts back. I am tired of being blackmailed into giving him things just so he will behave. Help!!! Do you have any ideas??

Sincerely,

Kate

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Kate,

There is a lot of stuff going on here and without a complete background history it may be difficult to tease out what the real issues are so I will attempt to tackle each of the “symptoms” you describe and offer some solutions for each one of those – my thoughts may not necessarily be a true representation of what is going on in your home.

“Bossy, whiny, demanding, disrespectful and has melt downs”: I am assuming whatever you are currently trying to curb these behaviors hasn’t worked for you so far. You mention “strictly enforcing house rules of respect, proper conduct and love” – I would encourage you to examine how you are strictly enforcing these values and evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. Children often respond more to modeled behavior than what is preached to them. I have no idea how you relate to one another in your home, and I am not wanting to sound accusatory, but think about how you and your husband communicate – is it respectful? When your son is behaving in these ways how do you respond? Do you in turn treat him with respect by validating his feelings -not the same as agreeing with him (you don’t have to), but letting him know you understand how he feels? Or do you yell back at him and engage in conflict and make demands of him? Do you have enough respect for yourself to calmly tell him that you do not deserve to be spoken to that way and will not respond to his demands or whining but when he can speak to you in a respectful way, you are more than happy to have a conversation with him?

It’s a tricky thing when your child is behaving this way not to fall into the trap of feeding into the behavior. These types of negative behaviors are well known for pushing parent’s emotional buttons. Unfortunately, it is often how we react – usually by losing our cool and yelling threatening things like “stop that right now or you’ll lose computer for a week” or “don’t you speak to me that way, get in your room NOW, you’re grounded for a month” that reinforces disrespect. Negativity only begets negativity. And at the end of all the arguing, if you give into the demands the child has made or you don’t follow through on the threats you made, you have only taught him that he needs to whine and argue and boss you around for a certain period of time before he gets what he wants and that there is no consequence for his behavior.

I recently wrote an article dealing with the do’s and don’ts of teaching children Self Control – it may of interest to you.

“Stolen money from my purse”: stealing money can mean a lot of different things – the child is seeking attention because he “feels” unloved, the child is materialistic and takes money to buy things to fill an emotional void, the child is giving money to someone at school because he is being bullied, the child is taking money to buy drugs or alcohol, the child lacks self or impulse control because due to an underlying mental health disorder. The first thing you need to do is try and understand the root of the problem. Why is he taking money? And I caution you – if you ask him he probably won’t know the answer. You need to discern what the reason is and work from there to correct the behavior.

You mentioned that you are tired of being blackmailed into giving your child things so he will behave. Rewards systems are a controversial subject. Many parents believe in their validity and use them from a very young age to get their children to cooperate and engage in desirable behaviors – usually because they see good results early on. There is one school of thought that thinks reward systems are a detriment to a child’s sense of self worth and only contribute to negative behaviors in the long run. The idea is that children who are use to receiving prizes or treats for “good” behavior become externally motivated and as they get older, they up the ante and only work or behave for mom and dad, if there is a reward involved: “What will you give me if I take the garbage out?” “I’ll only do that if you pay me.” When a child cannot always get what he wants he may resort to “stealing it” because without a reward, he doesn’t feel like he is a good enough person. The reward validates his worth. Not everyone agrees with this theory- as I said it’s a controversial subject. If you want to read more on the detriments of rewards systems check out the following article by pediatrician B. Brazelton. Another parenting expert that has similar views is Barbara Coloroso – check out her book Kids are Worth it!

If your child does not get an allowance you might want to start doing that. Have a discussion about how much you and he thinks would be fair and what kinds of things he will use his money for. I would also encourage you to implement some parameters around the money – such as he needs to save a percentage, give a percentage away to charity and the rest he can spend on something of his choice. This way he learns to manage money and understand it’s value and it will also give him a sense of control. It may also help stop him from taking money out of your purse because he will now have his own. Do not use it as a disciplinary tool though, do not make it contingent on his behavior – “you won’t get your allowance this week if you don’t behave” – then it becomes the same as a reward system. And I wouldn’t suggest tying the allowance to his chores either. Everyone in a family needs to work together to make a household function. I don’t think anyone pays you for doing the laundry or making meals! If he would like to negotiate with you to make some extra money by picking up some additional chores – that’s entirely different.

“Habitually lies to us”: like stealing, lying can occur for a number of different reasons. Another article I wrote on Teaching Kids Honesty may give you some ideas for how to deal with it. In the Recent posts side bar on Raising Small Souls there is additional information on kids and lying- (as well as defiant behaviors).

You and your husband are dealing with a lot here. I wouldn’t suggest trying to tackle each issue simultaneously. Prioritize and start addressing one problem behavior at a time. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself and get discouraged when you are not seeing results right away. This is going to take some time and you and your husband will need some support – parenting classes are a good way to share experiences and learning’s from other parents who have similar challenges.

Independence

Celebrating Independence Day this weekend on July 4th, I gazed at the brilliant display of fireworks and pondered what freedom means to us today.

Freedom is all about having the ability to make choices.

Yet, I wondered, how much freedom is truly mine, and how much have I relinquished in order to fit into a specific “role”?

So often, we find ourselves stuck in a rut of repetitive habits, without understanding that we really do have the ability to break through of our invisible chains.

How many of us were labeled as children, and then grew into the roles that were assigned to us?

Don’t we all know someone who was labeled as non-academic in his youth, who went on to graduate college with honors later in life?

Aren’t we all familiar with someone who invested so much in her musical talents that she never explored the other aspects of her multi-facetted personality?

It’s so easy, and it’s so tempting to cast our children into roles.

“He’s the messy one with a great sense of humor.”

“She’s the sensitive one who is always organized.”

“He has terrific athletic abilities, but less-than-stellar social skills.”

I recall that in comparison to my brother, I had very specific labels in my youth. (Way too embarrassing to go into more detail!)

Sometimes freedoms are not taken away with a ball and chain, but with a simple label.

Casting a child into a specific role can create a long-term self-fulfilling prophesy.

Throughout their childhood and teenage years, children do not yet have a firm grasp on reality. Rather, their reality is defined by what their parents present as being the truth.

How often do we hear about the youth who was called a “liar” and then realized that he ought to continue speaking falsely in order to live up to his newfound “role”.

People, like glimmering diamonds, have a multitude of facets.

At this present day, or even within this specific decade, one particular facet may be shining more brightly than the others; yet that does not diminish the existence and potential of many other angles that make up one’s personality.

Let’s try to hold our tongues and avoid stereotyping our children within a specific role. Hard as it may be, let’s allow our children to explore ideas and activities that we may not have thought to be a perfect match. Obviously, we are not referring to actions that are inappropriate, rather to dealings that we would not have thought suited to that particular child.

The child who is disorganized can be given a chance to be in charge of a party. (With the necessary amount of supervision!)

The athletic son ought not be held back from trying his hand in the arts one season.

And the family “brain” may decide to opt out of this year’s honors program in order to pursue other interests.

When we avoid casting children into particular roles, we develop more well-rounded and emotionally healthy children.

Let’s continue to love, encourage, and continue to bring out the endless sparkle in our children.

Like a diamond sparkling in the sunlight, the layers of their personality will develop into a unique blend of talents, personality, and ingredients nowhere else to be found.

Childhood Fears

Question: My son is aged 7 years old and has a lot of fears in him. He has a fear of heights, in so much as he will not climb onto a 6 foot slide in a park. He will not even sit on a swing. He is afraid of being in a swimming pool, although he does go in the kiddies pool now as the water reaches his waist. He is scared of the dark and of insects. He will not fight back for himself if he is being bullied by another child his age or even smaller, either physically or verbally. Could someone please help and let me know how I could get rid of these fears of his. Will he outgrow them with age or do I need to take him to a psychologist?

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Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Typical childhood fears change with age. Younger children usually experience fears that are not based in reality: monster under the bed, boogie men. Children between the ages of 7-11 tend to worry more about universal issues like war, pollution and extreme weather. These types of fears can also include fear of strangers, heights, darkness, animals, blood, insects, and being left alone. Children will usually outgrow their fears, or exchange one type of fear for another as they get older and the landscape of their lives change. The strategies we teach our children to help cope with fears can benefit them for life. It prepares them for dealing with larger fears they may experience when they are older.

Some signs that a child may be overly anxious about fears may include:

• becoming clingy, impulsive, or distracted

• nervous movements, such as temporary twitches

• problems getting to sleep and/or staying asleep longer than usual

• sweaty hands

• accelerated heart rate and breathing

• nausea

• headaches

• stomachaches

To help your child deal with fears and anxieties:

• Recognize that the fear is real. As trivial as a fear may seem, it feels real to your child and it’s causing him to feel anxious and afraid. Being able to talk about fears helps — words often take some of the power out of the negative feeling. If you talk about it, it can become less powerful. Use “detective thinking” by asking him to assess the threat he is anticipating: “What do you think will happen? Is it reasonable to think that you will drown with a lifejacket on and me standing beside you?”

• Never belittle the fear as a way of forcing your child to overcome it. Saying, “Don’t be ridiculous! That slide isn’t even that high”, may get your child to go to the playground, but it won’t make the fear go away.

• Don’t feed into to fears, either. If your child doesn’t like insects, don’t not walk on the grass to avoid one. This will just reinforce that insects should be feared and avoided. Provide support and gentle care as you approach the feared object or situation with your child.

• Teach kids how to rate fear. A child who can visualize the intensity of the fear on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, may be able to “see” the fear as less intense than first imagined. Rating on a thermometer is also a good visual tool. Younger kids can think about how “full of fear” they are, with being full “up to my knees” as not so scared, “up to my stomach” as more frightened, and “up to my head” as truly petrified. After you some coping strategies have him rate the fear again so he can see how much control he has over managing it.

• Teach coping strategies. Try these easy-to-implement techniques. Exposure: using you as “home base,” the child can venture out toward the feared object, and then return to you for safety before venturing out again. Positive Self Talk: The child can also learn some positive self-statements, such as “I can do this” and “I will be OK” to say to himself when feeling anxious.

• Relaxation techniques are helpful, including visualization (of floating on a cloud or lying on a beach, for example) and deep breathing (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate).

If anxious feelings persist, they can be a real detriment to a child’s well being.The question to ask yourself is how are your son’s fears impacting his activities of daily living: social interactions, academic performance, sleep? If his fears are keeping him from participating in his life, i.e. he won’t go out for recess because he is afraid of going near the slide on the playground, or he refuses to get out of the car when you go to the beach for the day because he doesn’t want to go near the water, or if he is staying up at night worrying about what he will do if he is bullied at school, then you will need to take action and get some professional help.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is incredibly useful in helping children overcome anxieties and fears. A Registered Psychologist or Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist will work with your child to “re-wire” his negative thinking that causes him to feel overly anxious about his fears. A great book I recommend is Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky.

A Follower, Not a Leader

Question: My son who is 8 tends to be a follower and goes with what everyone else wants. He does whatever others like and do. I want to help teach him or give him the confidence to be a leader and not care if he likes or does things differently. I am afraid he will follow the bad behavior of the wrong kids. What can I do to help with confidence and leadership? I have already tried talking to him about it without success.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Your son sounds like he may fall into the category of people pleaser. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are usually the most compassionate and generous sorts. However, I do appreciate your fear of him not being able to stand up for himself if he is always listening and doing what other people tell him to.

Here are some suggestions to try that may be beneficial for you and your son.

• Nurture his strengths and talents and set him up with opportunities where he will succeed. If he shows special aptitude in a particular area then support those interests. He is more apt to find leadership opportunities in situations where his strengths are essential and welcomed.

• Whenever appropriate and possible give him choices for making decisions. As he gets older the choices you give him will carry more and more responsibility. As he gains skill at making decisions he will more accurately weigh the pros and cons of each choice. So when he is with the “wrong kids” he will have experience with discerning right choices from wrong ones.

• Encourage him to be more assertive. Invite his friends over and give him opportunities to set the agenda for play. Have him ask the other kids over to play a certain game of your son’s choice. As he gets practicing doing this on his own turf he may be less reluctant to be assertive out the schoolyard.

• Get him to assess his own worth at every opportunity by asking thought provoking questions about how he feels about a situation. You will have to find the right way to ask though, open ended questions will only give you yes or no answers. For example: “How does it make you feel to always play whatever everyone else wants to play?” Instead of: “Did you want to play what everyone else was playing?” If he gives you answers that suggests he feels bad about himself ask him to give you reasons for why that’s not true – if he can’t give you any examples then you give them to him based on fact.

A Recent Conversation:

Son: “I don’t think my friends like the games I play because they think they’re weird.”

Mom: “Well somebody invented that game and it sells in stores so what do you think about that?”

Son: “I think that people like different things.”

Mom: “Yeah, could you imagine if we liked all the same things and everyone was the same?”

Son: “Life would be very boring.”

Mom: “Yes. And when you play those games do you have fun or are you bored?”

Son: “Fun, and I do have some people who will play them with me and have fun too.”

This was an actual conversation – I can’t guarantee it will go this way for everyone but the point is to try and get children to assess their own worth and decide for themselves that it is ok to like different things.

I would also suggest that you take an accurate assessment of who your child is. Not everyone is a leader but that does not mean that they can’t contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your son may be content with “going with the flow” and as long as he has good morals and supportive parents, he will be alright. You may discover that he will not follow the “wrong kids”, but that he may follow the “right” ones.

“I’m Losing It!”

Question:

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a single mom raising two girls, ages 10 and 7. Being a supportive and nurturing parent is the most important thing to me, and generally, I feel like I’m a pretty good parent. But sometimes, things escalate, they talk back to me, and it reaches a point where I find myself yelling and saying things I really regret later. It’s as if I totally lost control of myself and can’t stop?

Signed, Losing It in New Jersey!

RaisingSmallSouls is proud to present today’s answer by Margo Sasson as a Mother’s Day gift for you and your family!

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer:

Dear Losing It,

There are many ways to answer the question you have posed. Although it may be helpful to analyze what is contributing to your daughter’s frustration, and hence, the escalation between the two of you, I’d like to shelve that issue for now. Rather, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to take a closer look at what is happening inside of you, the parent, that may be contributing to the escalation. By stepping into your internal world, discovering the “wiring” behind the scenes of your own behavior, you can achieve greater self-understanding and enhance your parenting beyond words.

Parenthood is one of the most intense of all human relationships. It is a journey where we can come to discover and develop some of our most positive qualities: our patience, our nurturing, and our ability to identify our children’s strengths and help them see them too. But along the way, we come to meet other, less pleasant, aspects of ourselves. We are faced with the undeniable reality, day after day, that we are appallingly shorter of perfection than we may have thought.

When you describe “losing control” and being “unable to stop”, it is a clue for us that a shift in your general manner has taken place. Your usual rational, calm, “what is the most helpful thing to do here” approach has been abruptly switched off and been usurped by its not-as-likeable, emotion-dominated counterpart. When this happens, your rational self, that part of you that has the ability to delay gratification and coherently plan the next logical step, is basically immobilized. The system that takes over is a system manned by raw, unprocessed emotion (e.g. rage, fury, fear) that is very difficult to contain due to the collapse of logic.

The last decades have seen an explosion in the amount and quality of research generated on the role of the brain in emotional regulation.. What you describe of yourself is something most parents will identify with. Many parents describe occasions where they “see red”, “lose control”, or are “consumed by fury”. They describe being so taken over by this emotional storm that they feel unable to stop themselves. Taken to its extreme, abusive parents describe this state, during which they unleash unbridled fury upon their children and feel unable to stop it. When this state has passed, they may be overcome by deep feelings of remorse and self-hatred. But even for healthy, well-regulated parents, the nature of this type of emotional state is not unfamiliar. And when a parent realizes that he has just spewed venomous criticism and character-slashing toward the child he dearly loves, he will feel deep shame and resolve never to do it again.

What causes the switch into these states, and what can we do to restore our self-control?

Neurologists have identified two primary modes of processing information: the higher mode, or “high road”, and the lower mode, or “low road”. High road processing involves the rational, “higher” form of processing information. It is the ability to objectively analyze information, while allowing us a flexibility and self-awareness throughout the process. Conversely, the low road of information processing represents a shift in gears, whereby the high road is shut down. The individual operates under raw and intense emotion, lack of awareness as to the impact of his actions on others, rigidity, and impulsivity. In purely structural forms, the high road involves the prefrontal cortex in its processing, which is the brain region responsible for rational thoughts, whereas the low road short-circuits that section of the brain and proceeds to process the information utilizing the limbic system only (home to emotional processing) and leaves out the prefrontal cortex.

Of course, the obvious question remains: What triggers the entry into the low road state? Why do we “lose it”, i.e. switch from prefrontal cortex involvement to disengagement?

Neuroscientists have examined the characteristics of the switch to low road processing, and have delineated the process. They have found that there is always a trigger, either internal or external, which serves to activate the shift from high road to low road. At this point, a transitionary process is begun whereby the brain makes its descent into low road processing. Once this happens, you are in a state of “immersion”, where the ability to self reflect and self control is partially or totally suspended. (For further understanding of the brain science involved and for a fascinating read, see “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegal, MD and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed, Penguin-Putnam, 2008)

The ramifications of this knowledge are enormous. If entry into the low road is precipitated by a trigger, perhaps we can identify our triggers and perhaps find an alternative way to respond to them?

In order to answer this, it is helpful to begin with an understanding of what typically constitutes a trigger into low road functioning.

Every parent was once a child herself. We all know that the complexities of how our parents raised us contribute, among myriad other factors, how we view ourselves. Even adults who were raised in a generally positive environment will recall themes or issues that may remain raw or unprocessed for them. These are the unresolved issues, the issues that remain potent with emotionality for us, that trigger our connection with our pain, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Some common themes that people experience as unresolved are dependence, loss, aggression, intimacy, and more.

When one of these issues is activated through interpersonal connections, we access, momentarily, those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Although these feelings can be activated by any interpersonal interaction, children, by virtue of their still-evolving social finesse, activate these feelings in their most primal, basic forms.

Children are still learning to negotiate the bigger issues of attachment and interpersonal skills- the basic building blocks of relationships. This, coupled with the fact that we are so connected to them and assume responsibility for them, contributes to our extreme emotional reactivity toward our children. They consistently serve to trigger some of our most potent unresolved issues in the most basic way.

Although this is a reality, we do not have to resign ourselves to continually reenacting these scenarios we later regret so deeply. We can actively make use of this knowledge to help ourselves.

It is now clear that the entry into the low road is activated by our child’s triggering this state. Something about his behavior, his way of engaging with us, touches upon our most vulnerable spots. Perhaps his needs of us (nurturance, dependence, support) are too much for us to handle? Perhaps he exhibits behavior (aggression, dependence) that brings up themes fraught with emotionality for us? Perhaps we become enraged or ashamed in the face of our own imperfections, impatience, or intolerance that we exhibit following our child’s demands? The result is a flooding of our consciousness with raw emotionality such as rage or fear. This feeling is so strong, such a tidal wave of emotion that we feel quickly stripped of our self control. And the result is subsequent low road behavior.

It seems clear that once on low road mode, it is exceedingly difficult to shift back to high road state. Usually, it is best to take a “time-out” and physically leave if needed, until you’ve sufficiently restored your ability to self-reflect, and wrest back your self-control. But once the mechanism of low road is clear, you can take some quiet time to reflect on the triggers that set you off. Some questions that might be enlightening:

When does my transition into low road tend to occur? (Place, time, specific child)

What are the behavioral triggers that tend to coax me into low road mode? Where do these triggers fit into the larger context of my childhood, upbringing, and self-concept?

Self-reflection is crucial in making sense of your transition into the low road. Although it may not enable you to completely avoid descending into the low road modality, it will enhance your understanding, and allow you t identify alternative coping patterns. (Go for a walk, take a drink, etc.) Ultimately, you may even find yourself able to talk your way around the low road: “I’m feeling myself getting heated up again. Uh-oh. Low road again. Why? Oh, Brian is whining again. He’s pushing the ‘nothing is ever good enough’ button. It’s my old ‘I have to please everyone’ issue. There goes my perfectionism. Ok, this is clearly my issue, not his. He is 8. I am 34. Yeah, but I’m still getting really mad. If I open my mouth, I’ll destroy him! Ok, I’d better get into the kitchen! Wash my face! Just don’t open my mouth! I’ll get through this: High road, here I come!”

Rebellious Teen

Question: My 15-year-old daughter’s grades have dropped recently. She has pushed the limits with my patience. She recently gauged her ears as well. I was mortified; she is such a nice, smart, beautiful young girl I am not sure why she would do this especially without asking for my advice or my permission. I made her remove the gauges and replace them with standard diamond studs. I feel like I have lost control. The other day I read a text message she had sent a friend about me it was insightful as well as awful. She does not want to attend family functions with my husband and our two younger children as she feels like I force her to do things she does not want to. She seems to be experiencing forms of depression. Is this normal at this age or should I seek clinical advice? She had a crush on a boy who ended up hurting her feelings, and I think this may have lowered her self- esteem. I’m truly at a loss for words; she repeatedly tells me nothing is wrong with her. I can tell something is bothering her as she is distant and unhappy.

Signed: Help me!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Help Me”:

When are children our babies it is relatively easy for us as parents to establish connections with them — it is an intuitive process and quite often a reciprocal one. We smile and talk softly to our infants and they respond in turn with a smile and a coo. When we meet our babies at the door in the arms of their day care providers, our whole attention is focused on our interaction with them and they in turn squeal with delight to see our radiant familiar faces. These instincts to preserve our bond with our children are continuously triggered into action during infancy. And although our love for our children certainly does not dissipate over time, our instinctive way of engaging them does. In today’s chaotic society, fractured connections with our children can pose real problems in terms of children deferring to unhealthy attachments to peers, substances and self harming rituals.

Essentially you are in competition with your daughter’s deferred attachments – I am assuming mostly her peers. You must supplant yourself in the position of your daughter’s friends! Impose restrictions on her peer interactions like: extracurricular activities that take her away for long periods, taking golf lessons with you or, going on weekend trips with the family, take away her cell phone (say it’s too expensive), picking her up from school. Don’t give her a choice by asking her to do these things – tell her it’s the way it’s going to be. The trick is that while you are imposing restrictions you must also be cultivating opportunities for the two of you to re-connect/attach. However, don’t let her know this is what you are doing – it would only cause her to dig in her heels and fight harder to keep her relationships outside your family. If she is wondering why you are all of sudden so “involved” with her, tell her you have been missing her and want to spend time with her because she is that important to you. Focus on re-establishing a relationship with her and try not to get caught up in her behavior – because you will see a lot of behavior while you are getting her to transition back into the family fold and that could cause you to abandon ship. Stay the course, no matter how rocky it gets. You need to win this competition!

In every encounter you have with her, establish eye contact and smile; this will set the tone for your interaction. Obviously it will be in more subtle terms than when your daughter was a baby. During infancy you probably stuck your face right in to hers until the sight of her two eyes merged into one. (Remember those days of Eskimo and butterfly kisses – sigh!) So instead of getting in her face, try putting yourself in her space. Take an interest in what is important to her – clothes, friends, and activities and communicate that interest by allowing her to express herself to you. It may be tempting to judge and ridicule, but for now you need to try and get an invitation into her world. Once she feels unconditional acceptance (that doesn’t mean you have to agree or like everything she says or does; you just have to be willing to listen) she will feel it is safe for you to know her. Once you have re-established yourself with her, you will be able to parent within the context of that relationship and your influence will become more prominent and affect how she will makes decisions. I don’t think this is entirely lost on you: you were able to get her to replace the gages in her ears with standard diamond studs. This is good news – if things were too far gone she likely would have refused to do that, regardless of what you had to say about it.

Don’t let the sun come up or go down without having expressed your love to her through physical contact (a hug, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a touch to the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a tussle of her hair). Saying “I love you” is important but “touch” grounds us to our connections.

Adolescence is a time for testing out independence and teenagers will do that by trying to push every limit and boundary a parent has set. Ironically, this age group thrives on structure and stability. So they need you to set limits and be in charge. They are not mature enough to go out into the world and not get lost to peer pressure and situations that are beyond their capabilities. This is a time where you begin to establish trust and teach a child how to live in the world with confidence and make decisions that are appropriate. You let your children go and be independent and depending on how they do, you let them go a little bit more each time. When they are not doing well with the independence they are given it is up to the parent to pull in the reigns and redirect and guide the child. When the child learns you are their road map to follow, they will want to stay close to you. Children don’t want to feel lost, and when they do they will attach to anything or anyone that promises a sense of direction.

When she escapes your interventions to take her away from her peers (and she will) you have to go and get her. I have a friend whose 15 year old son snuck out of the house and went to his girlfriends, where the parents were not home. When she discovered he was gone at 1am she drove there and knocked on the door. When he refused to come with her she sat in the driveway honking the horn until the neighbors began to complain and the son eventually got in her car. And it was a long time that she sat there making noise – but she never gave up and her efforts re-positioned herself as her sons’ main influence. It’s not always about consequences, sometimes we just have to demonstrate that we are “here” for them – no matter what they do! Consequences for misbehavior are important but right now your main goal is to reconnect with your daughter and lure her away from unhealthy choices. And believe me these kinds of things I am suggesting will feel like consequence enough to her! It won’t be necessary for you to impose any more.
I am a huge advocate of “the family that eats together stays together”. Insist on having family meals at the table, away from distractions and have thought provoking conversations. If talk doesn’t come easy use conversation starters: “Tell me about the best part of your day and the worst part of your day”; “If you could be anything on the planet, what would that be?” “Who is your hero, and why?” You learn a lot about each other during this kind of dialogue.

I wouldn’t rule out depression. If things persist past 6 months (perhaps they already have) you may want to have her assessed. The drastic drop in marks and withdrawal is concerning but that may be reactionary after being rejected by her crush – especially since she so obviously puts much stock in her peer relationships. There are other signs and symptoms of depression that you did not mention – not sleeping, or sleeping all the time, irritable mood, lack of appetite/weight loss, lack of interest in things she once enjoyed. It sounds more like teenage angst to me and a girl who is trying to find her identity within a group of peers; and yes, this is normal for this age.

My Child’s Violent Threats

Question: I am the mother of identical twin boys, age 5 but soon to be 6. I’m not sure if you can help me, however perhaps you can direct me to someone who can help me. My boys are in the Early Intervention Kindergarten Program. The reason they are in this program is because they were speech delay when they were younger. Today I got a letter sent home stating that one of the twins was threatening the teacher. What triggered this may sound silly, however the teacher asked him to change a Capital letter to a lower case letter. He became angry and told the teacher “I’m going to bring a weapon to school tomorrow”. The teacher spoke to him about what a threat was and told him he would go to the principal if he made any other threat. He then held his pencil in his fist, aimed it at the teacher, and said “I’m going to stab you”.

On Tuesday there was an incident that two substitute teachers were in, and he told the classroom assistant he was going to bring his stapler to school to get her. He was sent to the principal’s office. I don’t know what was said at the principals office, however there was note that said if he continued with threats or physical aggression it may result in an out of school suspension.

Needless to say this is very disturbing to us. Any advice on this kind of behavior would be greatly appreciated.

Concerned about “Homeland Security”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Concerned,

I feel as though I am only getting a small piece of the picture, and it is challenging for me to give advice without knowing all the factors. For instance, you write that your son is a twin. I do not know how his brother reacted to any of this, or if he contributed in any way. You write about some scary behavior at school, but do not say what his behavior is like at home. I also can’t tell if this is the first time he made such violent threats, if he ever acts on them, or what is his baseline frustration/ tolerance level?

Despite this, I will provide some general guidelines.

The boys are five, almost six years old. At this age behavior is often modeled from others in his environment. When I hear of a young child behaving aggressively there are a few questions that come to mind. Is he exposed to violence on TV, movies or video games? There are many studies linking observing aggression, and learned behavior. One of the most famous studies is by Bandura a classical learned behavior theorist. He observed that children behaved most aggressively after watching aggressive cartoons, more so than other TV aggression or even a short segment of real life aggression. Keeping this in mind, I would take a second look at what he is watching, and limit him to more child-friendly shows and video games.

I also would like to know if anyone is bullying him. Kids who were victimized this way, may turn the tables in order to feel strong and in control.

How is misbehavior dealt with in your home? Children who are punished with corporal punishment, are very likely to behave aggressively in school.

You mentioned a speech delay. Is your son better able to express himself now? Unfortunately, kids who have difficulty communicating verbally may become very frustrated. It is not unusual for a child like this to lash out, out of anger and frustration.

Last but not least, what about his twin? Identical twins are very close and often share feelings and experiences. If this behavior is apparent with only one of the boys, it may be indicative of a unique situation that he faces, as apposed to something more innate in their wiring.

Certainly, your son needs to understand that this sort of behavior is harmful, and that people can get hurt. I agree with the zero tolerance attitude in today’s schools, even with young kids.

ADHD and Teens

Questions: There is a fair amount of information available to parents of young children with ADD/ADHD and/or defiant behavior, but what about these same parents of teen children, specifically teens between the ages of 13-17? Behaviors and habits are more engrained and the traditional approaches that may work or are more appropriate to use with young children can not be used as well with older children. I’d love to see you take some the defiant behaviors (swearing, total lack of respect, disobedience) and lack of motivation behaviors (doesn’t care to do homework let alone excel, do chores, or even brush teeth…without constant reminding) and address options for parents of these older children.
Thanks.

Signed: Searching for answers…

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Searching”:

You are absolutely right about there being a fair amount of information available to parents of young children regarding ADHD and defiant behaviours and less resources for parents of older children with similar behaviours. The criteria for making a diagnosis of ADHD in the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders, 4th edition) is based on observations made of boys 6 to 12 years of age. It stands to reason that most of the resources available to help manage this disorder are concentrated on that age group. However, we also know that 70-80% of those with childhood ADHD will continue to have symptoms into adolescence and 60% of those will carry it into adulthood. With that kind of prevalence there is more being done to address the needs of older kids and their parents.

About 40% of children with ADHD have co-morbid conditions such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder(ODD) – disrespect for authority, aggression, mouthiness, defiance; and if it goes unmanaged their impulsivity can push them into Conduct Disorder – stealing, fighting, setting fires, cruelty to animals etc. About 40-70% of children with ADHD will also have a learning disorder(LD) in either reading, writing or math.

So, there are a few things to consider before making any recommendations on how to manage your ADHD adolescent’s defiant behaviours. If these acts of disrespect and lack of interest in doing well are new behaviours – it could be a significant mood disorder (depression) and the adolescent should be assessed by a mental health professional. Secondly, I would highly recommend your adolescent have a psycho-educational assessment for an underlying learning disability (LD), especially if he has always struggled academically. As the child is getting older he may not be able to adequately compensate as the work load increases and the demands for learning reach far beyond his scope of capabilities. If a LD is present, the child may be well served by having certain accommodations and modifications made to his academic program which will go a long way in reducing the frustration he feels and curb resultant defiant behaviours. The third thing to question is substance abuse. People with ADHD are two fold at risk for using illicit drugs such as cannabis and cocaine – with the ADHD brain these drugs initially help the person to focus and feel calm – the long term negative effective is that they worsen defiant/aggressive behaviours.

If depression, LD and substance abuse have been ruled out , here are a list of some strategies you can try, accompanied by some additional recommended resources for you to explore:

* If the adolescent (adol) is being treated pharmacologically it is imperative he become an active participant in the medication regime and understand how the medications work to minimize the symptoms of ADHD. Compliance is an issue in this age group. Encourage your adol to take responsibility for his own medication. Once daily dosing improves compliance and they should be taking it as early in the morning as possible to help with motivation during the morning routine. Adols who are driving in the late evening should be on longer acting medications so the medication does not wear off while they are still behind the wheel – impulsivity and not being able to concentrate have been the cause of many accidents. If the adol is involved in his own treatment he feels more in control of himself and is more apt to monitor the effects, recognize the improvement and be motivated to comply with the treatment plan. When the symptoms of ADHD are managed, it is far easier for the adol to receive and accept behavioural interventions because it is not as difficult for him to follow directions, focus and stay on task. (As an aside: you may have decided not to go the medication route, I am not suggesting that you should. That should be an informed family decision – one that is made in consultation with a prescribing physician.)
* You need to provide as much structure to the adol’s environment as possible. Support routines, promote organization regarding time, space and activity – timers, alarms on watches or phones to give reminders, calendars to mark assignment dates, written guidelines of step by step approaches to projects. If homework is not done they do not move on to another activity ( i.e.:computer or TV) until the homework is completed – unplug the TV and take away the internet. Unfortunately, people with ADHD need a lot of reminders. Reminders need to be incorporated into their repertoire of coping mechanisms; so construct a system that makes reminding easy.
* Give appropriate and consistent limit setting with age-relevant consequences. Deliver the consequence as close to the misbehaviour as possible. Establish a written contract between you and the adol where consequences are spelled out for certain offences (i.e.:swearing, disobedience) so the adol knows what to expect, every time! This way the adol is not caught off guard when discipline is imposed and conflict may be minimized. Remember they act impulsively so it’s hard for them to understand cause and effect relationships. If it’s written down, they can’t as easily refute it.
* Set the adol up for success; involve the adol in activities he is good at and enjoys doing so that he builds his confidence and keeps him from getting bored and reacting impulsively.
* Advocate with the school, partner with the teachers and involve the adol in his academic plan and goals- modify his program so it meets his needs for how he learns (allow him to get up and walk around periodically, sit at the front of the class away from the window and distractions, lower florescent lighting, have one large binder where all subject notes are kept so as to reduce the amount of papers misplaced etc) and incorporate school consequences for non-compliance with school work and support them in and out of the school setting (i.e. detentions after school to get caught up, missing school field trips to sit in VP’s office to get caught up).
* Encourage appropriate social experiences with peers to increase positive interactions which will foster his interest in doing things and being with people in socially acceptable ways (i.e. sport teams, chess clubs, drama productions).
* Everyone in a household should have chores – it’s what makes a family function. Have a family meeting and have everyone pick their own chores. Impose consequences when chores are not completed and stick to them.
* create an atmosphere of mutual respect within the family- develop communications that are positive in nature, and refrain from yelling. And most importantly parent this adol with patience and understanding. ADHD is not a disorder anyone wishes to live with. Cultivate an enjoyable relationship between the two of you. Highlight your adol’s strengths and positive attributes. Spend time doing fun things together.

Remember, people with ADHD may take longer to integrate habits into their lives and change ingrained behaviours. To learn more check out the following websites: www.add.org www.chadd.org www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/guides

Defiant 8-year-old

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

Question: Our 8 year old has become so defiant lately, to the point of swearing and telling us to shut up. He gets a wide range of vocabulary from the school bus.

We have tried to be patient and ignore his outbursts. This has only made the swearing seem more impulsive and it comes so easily now. We have taken items away from him, and he has to earn them back with good behavior. He doesn’t care.

We have tried to send him to his room and he runs away from us. We are an older couple- reaching 50, and we just don’t know what other kind of discipline to use on him anymore. We are at our wits end.
Heeelllp ….

Answer:

By: Odelia Schlisser

Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Heeelllp!!

Mark Twain wrote “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished by how much he had learned in seven years.”

Right now it seems your son thinks he knows best and so do the other kids. The good news is that this sort of attitude is usually outgrown.

The part that worries me is his impulsivity and seeming lack of self control. There could be a number of different explanations for this sort of behavior. I think you need to talk with the school counselor, and the child’s pediatrician in order to find an appropriate child mental health professional. There are a number of different childhood issues or disorders that involve these behaviors, and I strongly advise you get it checked out.

I can hear the desperation in your letter, and I have to point out that this is a glimpse into the inner life of your child. Kids who act this way feel out of control. This sounds like a call for help.

I want you to understand that this is probably not just intended to drive you nuts. There may be something in this kid wiring that causes him to implode. Fortunately there are sound interventions for these sorts of issues.

I would also advise you not to punish him by taking things away. This can exacerbate an already out of control situation. You may want to try some behavior modification techniques. For instance you can set up a chart with different parts of the day. Every time he behaves for a set amount of time he gets a star. If he has an outburst, he does not, but can try again during the next time frame. It’s best that the time frames not be longer than an hour or two at most. Then make up a reward system, so if he gets three stars a day he gets a small treat. The idea is that you want to positively reinforce his good behavior. Studies show that this is far more effective than punishment.

If you think he would be embarrassed, or laugh at the star chart, keep a private hourly log on a notepad for yourself. Make sure to treat him and encourage him for an outburst free hour.

I know this seems counter-intuitive. You may even feel angry, or that this goes against the grain. You may be thinking “Reward him-no way!!” Trust me I have worked with many kids from all different backgrounds, and all sort of issues. I have observed far more success with this technique, and others like it, than with punishments.
Have him evaluated and remember-positive encouragement!!

You may also find this book by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. helpful: 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child’s Difficult Behavior

Depressed Child

Could my grandson be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old?

Question: I’m raising my 10yr old grandson. I’ve had him since he is 6mos old, due to his mother having uncontrolled Bipolar Disorder. It is very hard for him living apart from his mother, with whom he has had a scattered relationship throughout the years. He sees a counselor, but I’m noticing significant changes lately. He has become more withdrawn, has little established friendships with peers, and is content to play video games online or with his DS. He complains almost constantly about having a stomach ache and has started to fall asleep in some of his classes at school. He says he misses his mother a lot more and sometimes states that he wants to live with her. Could he be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old?
Signed: Worried Grandma

Answer:

Today’s answers are provided by a new member of the RaisingSmallSouls team, welcome aboard, Odelia!

Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Worried Grandma,

First of all, I want to extend my respect to you for raising your grandson since he was an infant!! From the tone of your letter it sounds like you are very committed, and care a great deal.
In response to your question could he be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old? The answer to that question is an unequivocal yes. Let’s look at the variables here.

Your grandson’ mother has uncontrolled Bipolar. Genetically he is may be predisposed to bipolar disorder. That does not mean that he will definitely be depressed, but rather that there is an increased likelihood coupled with other stress factors.

Bipolar is a disorder where there are periods of depression, and periods of hyperactivity, or mania. This disorder used to be called Manic Depressive. It is also characterized by frequent mood swings. It is important to make an appropriate diagnosis. Even though Bipolar presents as depression at times, it is actually treated with completely different medication. Patients with Bipolar can become worse when treated with anti depressants.

He is ten years old which means that he is nearing or already engaged in an adolescent or preadolescent identity search. It is expected that he inquire after his mother, and want to understand her more. Until a child develops an independent sense of self and identity, they often view themselves as extensions of their parents. This is still true after emancipation, or establishing a separate sense of identity, that they still see themselves as being, or having a part of each parent. This is an age appropriate hurdle to cross.

The other symptoms that you describe are classic depression symptoms. You wrote that you have been “noticing significant changes lately. He has become more withdrawn, has little established friendships with peers, and is content to play video games online or with his DS. He complains almost constantly about having a stomach ache and has started to fall asleep in some of his classes at school.” Changes in eating or sleeping patterns disinterest in socializing, and physical manifestation of pain such as stomach aches are typical symptoms of depression.

Many children have depression or suffer from other disorders like Bipolar. It used to be believed that it was an adult disorder, but more and more childhood and adolescent diagnosis are made every year. I personally have treated a handful of children/ adolescence with this disorder.

It is imperative that you speak with your grandson’s pediatrician, and describe to him what you have observed. He may be able to make a referral to a child psychiatrist who can treat your grandson. I should warn you that Bipolar can sometimes present not only like depression, but also has some similarities to borderline personality disorder. These sorts of diagnosis require cancelling out the other disorders, and it is a process that requires patience.

The good news is that when these disorders are caught early (like with your grandson), the prognosis is significantly better. The earlier it is treated, the more manageable it is.

If indeed your grandson does have disorder, it is important that you understand that it can be treated. Considering what your son and family have gone through with your grandsons mother it is understandable that this may raise considerable worry or resistance. It may help to talk about these concerns with a therapist or join a support group.

I wish you al, the best! Your son and grandson are lucky to have you!

Raise your hand if you never yell!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Part 1 of a two-part poll I conduct with my audiences: “Raise your hand if you were reared by a mother who never yelled, yet you consistently obeyed her. To clarify, your mother may have raised her voice emphatically on occasion, but never broke the sound barrier with it.”

In a recent audience of slightly more than 500 people in Albuquerque, I estimated that some 150 hands went up. My “average” audience member is 30-something. He/she was probably born in the mid-’60s, as the transition from values-based to self-esteem-based parenting was taking place. My impression is that most of those upraised hands belong, however, to the older people in the crowd, those reared – in all likelihood – by parents who were guided by tradition rather than the “book.”

Part 2: “Now, raise your hand if you are a woman with children still living at home and you can honestly say your children obey you as well as you obeyed your mother, and you have never yelled.”

Immediately, there is general laughter, as if the very idea of a calm, in control mother is absurd. It’s rare, of course, for even one hand to go up. The contrast proves that the periodic emotional meltdowns which are all-too-typical of today’s mothers have nothing to do with motherhood per se. Rather, these guilt-inducing meltdowns are a sign of the times. Why are today’s moms, compared with yesterday’s, much more likely to yell at their children? In answer, I propose:

First, yesterday’s typical mom wasn’t trying to be all things her children. She expected them to be independent, to stay out from “underfoot,” to fight their own battles, to lie in the beds they made, to stew in their own juices, etc. Today’s typical mom, by contrast, has entered into a co-dependent relationship with her children. She fights her children’s battles, lies in the beds they make, and stews in their juices. This alone puts her under considerably more stress than, in all likelihood, her mother ever experienced in the context of rearing children.

Second, yesterday’s typical mom wasn’t trying to be a friend to her kids. She didn’t much care, if she cared at all, what they thought about her decisions. Today’s typical mom is trying to have a “wonderful relationship” with her children. She wants to be liked, if not to be their very best friend. Ergo, she worries about what they think of her. Ergo, she is afraid to make them upset. Ergo, she minces her words and flinches when it comes to consequences. Ergo, she has more discipline problems with her children than her mother even thought possible. Ergo, she is more frustrated. Ergo, she yells.

Third, today’s mom believes the most committed mom is the most frenetic mom. She races her children from one after-school activity to another, arranges their social calendar, helps with their homework, and so on, ad infinitum. She has virtually no life of her own outside of her preoccupation with the never-ending (in her own mind) chores of child rearing. If she works outside the home, she’s attempting to perform these child-rearing “necessities” in one-fourth the time she would otherwise have available to perform them. (Not that they should be performed under any circumstances, mind you.) As will be the case whenever someone over-focuses on any one thing/task, today’s mom tends to be tense rather than relaxed. A stress attack is never more than a hitch away.

No, yelling and being a mother do not go hand in hand. Yelling at one’s children is the predictable consequence of trying to conform to a nouveau standard of “good mothering” that is, was, and will forever be bogus and self-defeating. The problem is not one of gender, but of choices. The good news, then, is that any time she so chooses, a mother who yells can transform herself into a mother who does not yell. All it takes is letting go.

Children and Volunteerism: Making the World a Better Place

Do you ever feel that the hectic holiday rushing takes the meaning and spirit out of these special times?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful ideas to incorporate principles and morals into the holiday season:

When President John F. Kennedy, in 1961, said “ask not what this country can do for you, but what you can do for this country,” he was reminding us that self-sacrifice and community service are the cornerstones of a viable democracy; that, in fact, they are values without which a democratic society cannot long endure.

Volunteerism – the general willingness to go beyond the parochial call of self-interest – as a state of action as well as of mind was integral to the spirit of the American Revolution. America’s Founding Fathers understood that freedom was not simply a privilege, but a duty – that in order to remain free, a people must be willing to contribute freely toward the common good. Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and their visionary colleagues understood that volunteerism checks the insidious growth of government, a concern that was uppermost in their minds.

That community-centered spirit has permeated the fabric of American life for more than two hundred years. Today, recognized as the essence of good citizenship, volunteerism manifests itself in the activities of Eagle Scouting, Habitat for Humanity, Junior Leagues, Rotary Clubs, and numerous other civic-minded organizations across the nation. In 1989, President Bush made the call to community service national policy as part of his Points of Light Initiative. The president’s three-part strategy included the call to claim society’s ills as our own; to identify, enlarge, and multiply community-based volunteerism initiatives that are already working; and to discover and develop leaders who can continue invigorating those grassroots efforts.

Indeed, community service means much more than simply tossing a few bucks into a bucket or checking off a payroll deduction to your company’s favorite charity. It’s relatively easy to give money. What’s required is that we be willing to give of ourselves, to make sacrifice in terms of our energy and our time. It’s also necessary that we pass this value from generation to generation by teaching our children the relationship between volunteerism, good citizenship, and the continuing maintenance of democracy.

Volunteerism Begins At Home

Turning a child into a good citizen is the crux of the socialization process, which begins during toddlerhood. Courtesy of parents who understand the importance of setting and enforcing limits on behavior and appetites, a child none-too-quickly comes to accept that he isn’t the center of the universe.

Turning the tyrant of toddlerhood into a functional member of the community requires that the family serve as a microcosm of society. In effect, the family must require of the child what the community will eventually require of him – honesty, responsibility, respect for others, a willingness to share, industriousness, and so on. These social values must also be family values, and they must be as much a part of the child’s daily life as three square meals.

Parents can begin teaching the social value of volunteerism by assigning to a child as young as three a daily routine of household chores. First, the child learns to pick up after himself, take care of his own possessions, and keep his room orderly. As the child becomes more capable, the routine expands into common areas of the home. The child learns to vacuum, mop floors, wash dishes, and eventually, do his or her own laundry and assist in the preparation of meals. In the process, the child learns that being a member of a family involves not just sharing the family’s wealth, but its work as well. Paraphrasing President Kennedy, the child learns to ask “not what the family can do for him, but what he can do for the family.” And by the way, this lesson is less effectively learned – if it is ever learned at all – when parents pay for chores. Giving a child money for accepting a fair share of family responsibilities teaches him to ask not “what can I do to help?” but “what’s in it for me”?

Show and Tell

Parents can impress upon children the importance of community service with a simple civics lesson: Pointing out that without volunteer support, there would be no community sports programs, no scouting, no 4-H or Future Homemakers, no shelters for the homeless, no Sunday School classes, no neighborhood playground, no summer programs at the local “Y”; likewise, pointing out how essential volunteers are to neighborhood organizations, public and private schools, nursing homes, churches, hospitals, the care of the handicapped and chronically-ill. Is there a volunteer fire department in your community? How about a local Red Cross chapter? A children’s museum? Indeed, the list of volunteer-dependent organizations and activities within a community is almost endless. The fact is, volunteers form the backbone of our communities, making them better places for us all to live, to work, to play. Challenge your children to recognize volunteer efforts when they see them and likewise take note when they are lacking. Volunteering, especially at a young age, encourages compassion for others.

And when voluntary effort is lacking in some aspect of your community’s life, what’s to stop you from taking the initiative yourself? Seize the teachable moment and explore ways that you and your children can fill in “volunteerism gaps” that you have identified together.

See that unsightly trash along the neighborhood creek? Rather than grouse that “somebody ought to do something about that mess,” why not be that very somebody? Organize a neighborhood team to clean it up and include the kids. As they learn the importance of taking initiative and following a task through to completion, they’ll also be practicing what I call the “Three Rs of Good Citizenship”:

Respect, Responsibility, and Resourcefulness.

In these and similar ways, parents can teach that one person can make a difference in this world. As Eugene M. Land, founder and chairman of the I Have a Dream Foundation, has written: “Magnitude or complexities must not immobilize or depreciate the ability of any person to contribute meaningfully to solutions.” In other words, when you see a problem, go the extra mile and find the solution. In effect, be the solution.

In The Pudding, Find The Proof

Consider the families who have already made a commitment to community service. Last summer, a Gallup survey of over 1,000 American households found that in more than one-third of all households, and in nearly half of all middle-income households, volunteering is a big part of family life. Among families with adults in their middle years, some 35 percent of parents volunteer alongside their children. The numbers also tell us that once the pattern is established, family volunteering tends to become a tradition. Eighty percent of the volunteers interviewed had been serving with another family member for three years or more.

And while it’s true that volunteering is a way to solve problems while helping other people, that’s only the beginning. In the same Gallup poll, when participants were asked to describe the main benefit they receive from volunteering, more than half cited personal satisfaction.

In the forward to the excellent reference book Volunteerism, The Committee on Marshaling Human Resources says the volunteer not only improves the community, but himself as well. They cite “the contact it provides with other people – the companionship, the friendship, the fellowship of working with others on a common goal.” In short, parents who help their children learn the value of serving others are contributing immeasurably to their children’s lives – present and future.

A couple of friends of mine, themselves active in numerous volunteer initiatives, make community service a “family affair” as often as possible. As one example, every Christmas the whole family takes several underprivileged children shopping for clothes and toys. As they recently told me, “The benefits to the family, and especially the children, are inestimable. They already understand that the value of life is not measured in terms of what you have, but what you give. For example, although we could certainly afford to purchase for them most of the materialistic trophies their friends have acquired, our children ask for very little.”

Several years ago, other friends began requiring that each of their three pre-teen and teenage children become involved in a sustained volunteer effort of choice (scouting, Hospital Auxiliary, Junior Civitan) for every extracurricular activity or organization (team sport, cheerleading, social club) they joined. The children’s mother: “At this point, the kids are more energized by their community service than they are their soccer and such. Perhaps the most rewarding thing to their father and I is the comments other people make concerning their maturity.”

Where To Start

Here are some suggested starting points if you’re interested in getting your children involved in community service:
• Check out the volunteer opportunities available through your local hospital, nursing homes, and community mental health center.

• Look for a Volunteer Action Center whose purpose is to steer volunteers toward opportunities that are mutually beneficial and enjoyable. These local centers refer an estimated half million new volunteers each year who provide more than 100 million hours of service annually.

• Contact your local Red Cross, your state’s Governor’s Office on Volunteering, or one of the 3,000 plus United Way offices across the country.

• Call the Nationwide Hotline on Volunteer Opportunities (toll-free, 800-424-8867 ) for information about the national service network that encompasses VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America), the National Civilian Community Corps, and the AmeriCorps initiative which President Clinton referenced in his most recent State of the Union address.

• Check into Learn and Serve America, a federal program that seeks to involve children in community service as part of their school curriculum.

• Yet another noteworthy program, Super Volunteers!, directs the energies and enthusiasm of children toward improving the quality of life in their own communities while drawing support and sponsorship from business and industry, churches and synagogues. “We work within existing youth groups such as Boy and Girl Scouts, Campfire, Special Olympics, where there’s an already-existing leadership structure,” says president Harriet L. Kipps. To find out more about Super Volunteers! call (703)354-6270 .

Matching the child to the volunteer effort insures not only that the child will stick with it, but the greatest benefit for all concerned. Older youths, for example, could let career interests guide them: Aspiring doctors might serve in a hospital environment; future military leaders can join the Civil Air Patrol; environmentalists could lend their energies to a local nature conservancy. Guiding a younger child toward compatible community service requires that parents help the child answer the following questions:

• What are my interests? What do I really enjoy?
• What’s something I’ve always wanted to do?
• Would I prefer working with large or small groups? Indoors or out?
• What are three problems in my community or elsewhere that need solutions?

With the long stretch of vacation ahead, why not resist the urge to “veg and let veg” and instead dedicate a healthy portion of your family’s summer to some public-spirited volunteer effort? Believe me, once the ball is rolling, it will be impossible to stop!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

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