Giving Your Child Effective Attention!

As an Early Childhood educator, I have learned that ATTENTION is a survival need- not a manipulation of adults.

After World War II, orphans living in a clean, hygienic and basically attentive facility did not thrive. In fact, almost half of infants died, despite apparently having all basic needs met. It turned out that the infants needed a meaningful relationship with a caring, and involved adult in order to survive, grow and thrive. Since then, we have learned that Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is released in a manner directly proportional to the amount of caring attention the child receives.

How many times have you said, “Oh, s/he just wants attention!”

YES!

S/he does just want attention and s/he legitimately needs it.

The power of the attention children get is that whatever you pay attention to is a behavior that is reinforced – that is, behavior the adult notices and responds to is more likely to be repeated again than ignored or unnoticed behaviors.

Be honest … when do you give the most attention and the most focused and intense attention?

When children are acting out or showing MIS-behaviors – right? So, each time your child does something you DON’T want to see again, you reinforce the behavior by strongly reacting to it, right?

Oops! Did you ever realize this? I didn’t as a parent. I heard myself yelling,

“How many times have I told you … ?”

Well, the more times I noticed that behavior and responded strongly, the more likely my children were to repeat it. I was a busy mom. I worked, ran the household, had friends, and the easiest people to ignore [at times] and the most annoying [at times] were my little children.

The odd thing, hard for adults to remember is that giving unpleasant or negative attention will NOT eliminate the behavior. Rather, it strengthens it. The intensity of reaction and the reliable immediate response are the most effective in making behavior occur again because – back to the top – children legitimately need attention to survive.

Nature has equipped children to do statistics and a quick analysis of their own experiences. When do they ‘bug’ you most?

When you are on the phone?

When you want to focus on shopping?

When you are chatting with another adult?

Ahhh – yes, when they don’t have your attention.

So, what does this mean? It means that you DO have to give strong focused attention when something has happened that you like and want to see again. Catch them doing what you want! Make meaningful, descriptive statements about their efforts – not outcomes, when they are engaged in constructive, creative, artistic endeavors. Make meaningful descriptive statements about cooperation, about helping others, about being able to spend a few minutes alone without interrupting your phone call.

Create those quality moments or better yet, minutes of just attending to your child or focusing on what s/he wants following WANTED BEHAVIOR.

If you do this consistently for a few days you will begin to see changes. Children want nothing more than your approval. If you show that approval by giving focused and meaningful attention to constructive behaviors, they will repeat those behaviors.

There are a few things happening when you do this. Children are reassured that you ‘see’ them–really see them–and what they are doing. It forces you to pay attention to specifically what they are doing and to think enough about it to make an intelligent comment about it.

The comments help children to think in more complex ways about their activity and capability and may even enlarge their vocabulary. When they get the attention they need, they will give back by lowering the demand that comes out of feelings of neglect.

Notice that I have used the phrase: descriptive feedback above. This is NOT PRAISE!

Saying “Good Job” without saying what you are approving leads to two conclusions by the child:

1) you really are not paying attention, you are just getting me off your back;

2) something I did was a ‘good job’, but I don’t know what, so I will have to do a number of things I did recently to test which one was ‘good’.

Descriptive feedback shows that you actually paid attention to what the child did. It means you noticed the effort or time spent and commented on the effort rather than judged the outcome.

How do I do this, you ask?

Really pay attention to what the child did and avoid using judgment words like: good, great, beautiful, bad, ugly, etc. In my Early Childhood Development classes, students are not allowed to use the words “good” or “bad”. This is the rule to force them to use more descriptive language that has shared meaning. What does ‘good’ mean? What does ‘bad’ mean? We all have different values and ideas regarding those ideas.

If the child has made a drawing or painting, you can say:

“Wow, I see that you put a lot of time into that art. I can count five different colors in the one painting. I wonder what you were thinking when you combined those two colors?”

OR

“You did that painting really fast. There are some famous artists that also use mostly one color just like you did here. Is that color special to you in some way?”

If the child has been kind to someone else:

“I feel so proud of you when you are patient with your sister/brother. I know he/she can be annoying sometimes, but I see you are getting more patient now.”
Etc., etc., etc.

Adults often feel they don’t have the time to slow down and focus on the child. However, it is when you have the least time that it is most important. If you provide that 15 minutes of quality, focused attention –sometimes called ‘want-nothing-time’ by experts like Magda Gerber – you will earn half an hour without interruption following that 15 minutes. If you do this regularly, the rare times you cannot pay attention will pass almost unnoticed by your child because he/she is not hungry for attention.

Be sure to tell your child, “WOW, you let me focus on my project/work/phone call for a long time. I really appreciate that you are able to wait now. That is an important skill for people as they get older and it looks like you are learning it.”

Don’t forget that children always do the best they can, just like you try to do. When they do something wrong it is more likely because they lack the specific skills to do it right than to annoy you. Giving descriptive feedback to children of any age or capability becomes a ‘teachable moment’ rather than an argument or power struggle.

Discipline means to teach. Teach them the skills by demonstrating them. Patience with their challenges and belief in their ability to learn will result in cooperation, motivation and high self-esteem.

By Kathy Kelley

Kathy is an Early Childhood Development Instructor at Chabot Community College in Hayward, California. She has three children and even the baby is off to college – she always wishes she had some of that childhood time back again.  Kathy can be reached at kkelley AT samplehead DOT com

How To End Temper Tantrums

I will never forget the man whom I met at my in-law’s home last year. Standing at six-feet tall, with broad shoulders, and a hardened military expression of seriousness on his face, he appeared intimidating- even to me. Then I heard that he used to work in a top-secret government job, and on 9/11 his finger was poised on the button, waiting for the President’s word to press it and cause nuclear havoc. His noticeably expectant wife stood at his side, along with several other couples in the living room. A woman entered the room with a whimpering baby and seated herself on the couch. The baby’s whimpering grew louder, and despite his mother’s best attempts to quiet him, he erupted in full-fledged wailing. Mom gave him a bottle, rocked him, and stuck a pacifier in his little mouth, all to no avail- the crying grew louder each moment. Mr. Military had fearful expression on his face as he watched the baby screaming.

My mother-in-law asked him, “You’re nervous about having a baby, aren’t you?”

Mr. Military’s pursed lips parted to state, “Actually, terrified would be the word.”

While our family enjoys laughing about the humorous incident, the truth remains that childrens screaming can unnerve the most rational and calm adult. Tantrums can turn a seasoned business negotiator into a piece of mush wrapped around a two-year-old’s finger.

While there are many things that can be done in a setting of peacefulness, either before or after the tantrum, to alleviate this issue, this article will only address what to do during the time of flared tempers.

There are 3 keys to eliminating tantrums:

1) Crystal-clear communication

2) Being consistent

3) Being firm. Do not get manipulated!

Oftentimes, parents feel out of control at home, due to their stressful lifestyle. When a child erupts in a tantrum, a battle of power ensues, where the parent is intent on “winning” in order to preserve his or her sense of dominion. It is essential to avoid power struggles at all costs; make a decision to view the screaming child as a neighbor’s kid for a few moments, so that your ego will not be tied into this battle.

“I will not talk to you while you are screaming,” is a standard statement that can be tailored to suit your particular needs during a tantrum. Other variations include, “I want to speak with you, darling, but I can’t when you are screaming” or “Can you ask for the blue bike in a calm voice so that I can answer you?”

Sooner or later your child will realize that screaming is not an effective means to achieve his goals. You may have to repeat, “I’ll be glad to talk to you when you’ve finished crying” forty times, but eventually he will say, “Please can I have the blue bike.”

At this point, you must be consistent with the standpoint you originally had, prior to the outbreak of the tantrum. Even if you are ready to drive across the country for a “blue bike” to quiet him, the importance of your consistency cannot be overestimated.

Just because he finally asked nicely does not mean that he will get what he wants. You will likely say, “Sweetie, I understand that you want the blue bike, I’m sorry, I cannot give the blue bike to you now.” This is an essential part of your child’s learning process. He will not get his heart’s desires simply from speaking properly. The blue bike may belong to his sister who is presently riding it, or it may be broken and dangerous to ride until a screw has been tightened.

At this point, it is quite possible that the screaming will begin anew. However, your reaction to the ensuing tantrum must be the same. The goal is to teach him to stop screaming, not to give him whatever he wants. Your responses will echo what we discussed above, “Darling, I would like to talk to you when you have finished screaming”.

The difficulty of implementing these solutions in everyday life is fully understandable. When the phone is ringing, and two children are having a chocolate-milk fight in the other room, it is hard to remember these rules! However, if you think about this process beforehand, and work it out in our minds prior to the occurrence of the next tantrum, you can begin improving some of the time. You may improve 10 or 20% of the time, and several weeks from now react according to these rules 70 or 80% of the time. The main point is that whatever you can do that is an improvement on the past is going to be beneficial for your children.

No parent is perfect, and nobody can correct a detrimental pattern of reactions overnight. Yet taking steps, even baby steps, towards proper handling of temper tantrums will definitely cause their frequency to decrease. As you work on following through on these rules, you will find it easier to maintain this reaction, even in the middle of total chaos.

And when your child recognizes that when he speaks appropriately, even if he did not get what he desired, he was listened to and understood and empathized with, he will become encouraged to act more reasonably next time!

For more help dealing with tantrums, read The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears

How To Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

“A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.” an ancient quote proclaims.

Parents can derive much comfort from the universality of sibling rivalry. At the very beginning of time, the first two siblings, Cain and Abel, did not get along with each other, and as a result Cain killed his brother! Fortunately, we can rest assured (hopefully!) that our children are not about to murder their brother or sister. However, this reassurance provides little comfort in the face of constant bickering, teasing, and fighting.

What can we parents do to eliminate sibling rivalry?

In evaluating any behavior it is useful to examine the emotions and thoughts that precede the behavior, in order to fully understand and rectify the issue at hand.

What thoughts are likely to be occupying the mind of a mother or father whose children are fighting? Very often the parent takes responsibility for the children’s misbehavior and concludes that it is a personal failure in him or herself. The thought process travels along these lines: “If my child can behave in this manner, then it must be my fault, and therefore I am a failure as a parent.”

As a result of the parent’s feelings of inadequacy, the parent will try to “fix” the child, who rarely responds positively, and his behavior generally deteriorates further. As the parent becomes more enraged, he or she often becomes angry at the perceived cause of the feelings of incompetence – the child!

When parents allow themselves to correctly feel less personally and totally responsible for every aspect of their children’s behavior, much of the anger would be eliminated from the above scenarios.

Once the negative emotions of anger and frustration are no longer in the picture, a parent can move towards the next productive step: Don’t get involved!

With the exception of serious physical damage, or youngsters under the age of 3 or 4, it is best for parents not to intervene in an argument in which they were not involved. When toddlers do require their parents to step in, it should be done simply to separate the combatants, and not to take sides in the fight. Firmly removing the toy that has caused the conflict, or placing the children in different rooms to play will teach toddlers that they will not win points in the competition for parental love by drawing their parents into their rivalry. If mother or father had a habit of attempting to settle each fight by playing umpire, it will take some time to unlearn those habits, yet it can be done.

Obviously, it is not advisable for parents to become indifferent to their children�s bickering. Just as parents do with other developmental learning skills, they can help their children best by rooting from the sidelines and not jumping into the field.

The common outcry and initial reaction of parents reading this advice is, �Oh, no! The fighting will get worse if I don�t stop them!� Perhaps it will. In the long term, which is usually a period of several weeks, the sibling rivalry will diminish significantly.

The bottom line is that parents cannot always be there for their children during confrontations. Children must learn to deal effectively with their differences independent of their parents.

Your children will learn essential social skills when they are forced to figure out how to negotiate their differences on their own. That is a priceless lesson that parents can only teach by stepping back.

The Golden Rule of Punishing Kids

There are modern parenting advisors who believe that punishing children is off-limits. They say that proper behaviors can be instilled in children without any punishments. However, punishment need not be defined as corporal punishment.

Banning corporal punishment and hitting is a reasonable position. The only exception might be the child who is not yet three years old who has done something severely dangerous, and cannot yet comprehend a verbal reprimand. Whether we like it or not, as parents, we are constantly leading by example, and when we hit our child because she did something we do not like, the little girl has learned two things; to take precautions not to get caught the next time she repeats this particular action, and when someone else who is smaller than she is does something against her liking, she should hit them.

When a child feels a loving relationship with her parents, a look of dismay, or a comment such as, “That makes me very sad, and I don’t want to feel that way about your behavior,” is a punishment in itself. Ignoring a child for a moment or two because, “Right now I’m too upset to talk to you,” or simply leaving the room sends a clear message of disapproval, and is normally enough of a punishment.

When do your children need to be reprimanded or removed from the situation where they acted out? When is it advisable to overlook your child’s negative conduct and minor infractions?

The golden rule of thumb is this: When a child has done something that is age-appropriate, no punishment is needed. Conversely, if a child committed an act that was totally inappropriate for her age, then you should punish him in one of the methods described above.

When a six-year-old refers to a guest as “the man with the big nose,” parents tend to get upset, however it is totally age-appropriate for a youngster to describe the features they see without any intention of insulting the person. It is a good idea to tell her that we do not talk about the way people look in front of them; however a punishment would be totally uncalled for.

Ask yourself this question, “Will she do it when she is eighteen?” If the answer is no, you can generally feel confident dealing with the situation without a negative reaction.

If the child’s deed is age-appropriate conduct, a gentle explanation of proper behavior will certainly suffice.

How to Handle Other People’s Children

An oft-heard subject of controversy is disciplining other peoples’ kids.

What do you do when your children have playmates at your home who are misbehaving?

I don’t think there is an easy answer to this difficulty.

I have heard some parents advising that, “Whatever happens in my house is under my jurisdiction, and all of my kids’ guests must follow the rules of our home.”

On the other hand, some parents say, “Disciplining someone else’s kid is out of my domain. Unless he is doing damage, I leave well enough alone. However, I am sure to explain to my child that just because his friend acts in a certain manner does not mean it is permissible to him.”

How do you feel about reacting to the inappropriate behavior of kids visiting your home?

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