Conflict Resolution and Sharing Toys

The rain has finally stopped here in  Cleveland and  we have had a few of days of sunshine. The sandbox in the park had a couple of days to dry up. My two younger children were itching to get themselves dirty.

My son took out the sand toys. There is one toy in particular that they have a hard time sharing. When he brought it out, I inwardly groaned, remembering all the fights the kids had over this particular pail that made a smiley face in the sand.

I thought that we need a plan and I quickly used some of the tips that I had just taught in my sibling class.

1. Name the problem:

Me: “Oh no! That smiley face pail always gives us problems. It is tough to share. Both of you always want that one first.”

2. Be positive and invite them to think of solutions:

Me:” I know we can think of a solution. I am sure if we put our heads together we can figure out how to share this toy.” Maybe we can think of some rules to help us share it.”
Sara: “I know we can each have it for 5 minutes”
Me to Mikey: “How will that work for you?”
Mikey: “No way I need more than 5 minutes!”

3. Offer choices:

Me to Mikey: Ok, you need more time than 5 minutes- how many minutes do you think you need? 5or 10 minutes?
Mikey:”10 minutes”
Me to Sara: “He needs ten minutes, will that work for you?”
Sara: “Yes.”

4. Name the problem again:

Me: “Ok, good we figured out how many minutes for each of you guys. Now the next problem is who is going to use it first. How should we figure that out?”
Sara: “He can go first, if you help me on the swings.”
Me: That sounds like a good plan. I can help you on the swings.

5. Praise children for a solution and reiterate the plan:

“I am so glad we figured out a solution. We really put our heads together. Mikey is going to go first with the sand pail while Sara and I play on the swings. After 10 minutes it will be Sara’s turn. Then after those 10 minutes we will switch again. Let’s get started!”

Crisis averted! Staying calm, positive and solution oriented is the trick to helping children to get along. To learn more on how to help your children get along buy our “How To Handle Sibling Rivalry Without Losing Your Mind”  audios.

Effective Parenting Questions

A Child’s Wisdom

Submitted by Raelynn Maloney, Ph.D.  Author of Waking Up: A Parent’s Guide to Mindful Awareness and Connection www.wakingupwithawareness.com Owner and Director of A Mindful Place 1950 West Littleton Boulevard, Suite 117. Littleton, Colorado 80120. 303-358.6561 www.amindfulplace.com

Every child is gifted with a simple form of logic and honesty that can reveal a timeless wisdom to all parents. However, when a child shares his/her wisdom in a way that feels like a personal attack, the common response from a parent is to become defensive and shut the conversation down.

Creating a relationship that allows a child to “hold a mirror up” to you as a parent can be challenging at first, but it will strengthen the parent-child connection in powerful ways. When we are willing to hear and see how our children are experiencing us  - that is, “when I am willing to see the way my child sees me” – we are gifted with information that will enable us to grow and deepen as parents. Your child’s wisdom will not benefit anyone if you perceive your child’s words as a personal attack. If you are able to listen objectively and embrace what is shared simply as information, everyone benefits.

Try to use and remember the mantra, “it’s not personal, it’s information” as you listen to your child.

In my counseling practice, there is a simple question that opens a flood gate of information about what children SEE when they look at us as parents. When I ask the question, “What are you learning from your parents?” I am given a glimpse into the relationship rules a child is learning through their parent-child relationship. The wisdom in their answers can cause many parents to struggle to accept the truth in the information. When they can accept it for what it is, however – simply as information – they soon realize that it is not a stamp on their performance as a parent, but the beginning of a new dialogue that will deepen and enhance the parent-child connection.

It is important to know how your child SEES and EXPERIENCES you as a parent.

Here are some of the not-so-perfect relationship rules children express when asked, “What are you learning from your parents?”:

I’m learning to raise my voice to get people to listen to me.

I’m learning to hurry because we are always late.

I’m learning to focus on what is “wrong” with people instead of what is “right” about them.

I’m learning to say sorry and then quickly give a reason for what I did wrong.

I’m learning that it’s okay to focus on what the other person did wrong instead of what I did wrong.

I’m learning to use bad words when I’m irritated.

I’m learning to shake my fist at someone if they upset me.

I’m learning to use threats.

I’m learning to talk and text while driving.

I’m learning to ignore someone when you don’t like what they say.

I hear an equal number of positive relationship rules and these are often much easier to take in as parents (for example, I’m learning to that families love eachother even when they are angry). Kids hold mirrors up to us all the time. Though we may not take every word as something we need to change, it is important to pay attention and find the wisdom in what they are saying.

Take time in the next 24 hours to listen and to see what your child is teaching you through that mirror! Make a conscious decision about whether or not this is how you want to continue to have your child SEE you. If not, ask yourself, “what is one thing I would like to consciously focus on improving when I am with my child?”

 

 

 

How To Handle Sibling Rivarly Without Losing Your Mind!

When Becky had her first child, Ryan, she could not believe how much she loved him and how much she loved being a Mom. Her husband and her had no qualms about having another child. It seemed the natural thing to do. Wouldn’t Ryan love to have another child to play with and love? Ten years later she is not so sure. It seems that all Ryan and his brother do is fight. They squabble over everything, from who gets to play on the computer, whose turn it is to press the elevator button at the mall and who gets more juice in their cup.

Becky feels that it only lets up when they are asleep. It is driving her and her husband crazy. All those visions of a peaceful and happy home have gone down the tubes.

As a parent of 4 children, I can relate. My children were actually arguing the other day over whether the limousine that we saw at the gas station was black or white. It seemed like a bad comedy skit.

It might not help you in the heat of the moment but parents need to know that the fighting between siblings is normal and even can be healthy. This is hard pill to swallow. Even though we might have fought with our own siblings growing up, we still cling to our idealized visions of what family life should be like. The reality is that our fantasies of having a “happy, peaceful” home are just that, fantasies. Family life is fraught with conflict. It is tough to get along with the people we live with. I once heard a saying, “ Blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.”

When siblings fight they are reacting to the overwhelming negative emotions that they have toward their siblings. They have to learn to manage their envious feelings, which is not an easy task. Most children feel jealous the minute their parents bring a new baby home from the hospital. Siblings also feel resentment if one sibling receives a gift and the other does not. They get angry if their parents tend to take one sibling’s side over another’s when there is conflict or if parents spend more time with their siblings. Children also have difficulties if one sibling gets more attention than another due to a talent or skill. Kids will also fight if they are bored, hungry, or tired or just because they have spent way too much time together.

Do not despair; there is a positive side to children’s fighting. All that bickering that drives us nuts actually helps children resolve disputes, learn to cooperate and pushes them to come up with compromises. Experts have also found that the battles that go on daily do not keep them from being close when they are grown.

So what are we supposed to do as parents? Do we just close our eyes and ears to the fighting and hope for it to go away? The answer is yes and no.

If it is just regular bickering then we can try to ignore it. We can busy ourselves in the kitchen making dinner or quickly hide ourselves away in the bathroom. For the rest, we can intervene but we don’t want to interfere in a judgmental way. This just makes things worse. It is best if you just reflect their feelings in a respectful and neutral manner and guide them back to each other so they can resolve their own problems.

The following examples show you how this can work. Here are some ways that you can respond without judgment in a way that shows respect for both children and helps them focus on solutions.

1.“I didn’t do anything”

Instead of Judging: “If you didn’t do anything then why is he crying? You need to stop bothering him!”
Do say: “You are not sure what happened to get him upset…” “You feel like you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. What can you guys do to fix this problem?”

2. “He started it!”

Instead of Judging: “Well if you started it, you need to go to your room!”
Do Say: “You feel like he started it and you feel like he started it. That sometimes happens when people disagree. Are you guys ready to think of some solutions or are you still too mad? “

3. “She is making a big deal out of nothing!”

Instead of Judging: “ You are right, you are both making a big deal out of nothing!”
Do Say: “ You feel like this is a fight I should not get involved in. It seems to me that Sara wants me to get involved; she does not feel like it is nothing. She feels like this fight is getting out of hand but you think this is something you can deal with just between the two of you. This is tough, let’s see if you can figure this out. I will be right here if you need me.”

4. “She is so sensitive, she cries about everything!”

Instead of Judging: “You need to stop making her cry. You need to be nicer!”
Do Say: “ You feel that she should toughen up more. It seems to you that she gets upset by little things. If you are ready to listen I can tell you about sensitive people and people who have thick skins. It is important to learn how to handle both types of people.”

5. “Everything I do is wrong!”

Instead of Judging: “If you would listen to me and be nice you wouldn’t have that problem!”
Do Say: “That can hurt to feel that way- you want to know how you can get along better with the family. Let’s think of ways that we can do that.”

6. “She always gets to go first!”

Instead of Judging: “Okay, you will get to go first, next time.”
Do Say: “It seems to you that she gets to go before you. You would like to go first sometimes to. You can say to Caitlin, next time I want a turn to go first.”

We are all aware of the challenges parents have in raising more than one child. Reflecting our children’s feelings and guiding them to resolve their own conflicts is a great skill to use to help us cope. It transforms potentially harmful and destructive interactions into positive relationship building moments. Most importantly you are modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on other people’s feelings. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully with all the people they encounter throughout their lives.

For more great tips on managing sibling rivalry join our workshops at www.parentingsimply.com

Amy Chua Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

Tiger Mother: She’s Not My Hero

By:  Alan Carson

Alan Carson is an ACPI© Coach for Parents and the author of Before They Know It All:Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality. Alan’s website is www.coachforparents.net and can be reached through e-mail at alancrsn@gmail.com Alan has also facilitated teleclasses for RaisingSmallSouls on a variety of parenting topics such as communication with teens, problem ownership, and talking to teens and preteens about sexuality.

Most of you would be familiar by now with Amy Chua, a Chinese-American mother, Yale law professor and author of the recently released book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Amy has appeared on numerous television interview shows in the past week, and many articles about Amy’s book have appeared in print because of Amy’s strict and inflexible parenting style, a replica how she was raised. Amy’s book is not a “how to” parenting book, but a memoir of her personal parenting journey with her two teen daughters, Sophia and Lulu. To clarify, “tiger” is in reference to being born in the “year of the tiger.”

Prior to sharing my opinions on her parenting style and philosophy, it is important to provide context. I spent thirty-six years in public education, my last sixteen as a middle school guidance counselor. As a result of my work, I am well aware that a disproportionate number of Asian Americans comprise the student bodies at our best universities— and the reasons for this phenomenon.

One of my favorite all-time students was AJ, who was born in India and sent by his father to live with his aunt and uncle in Pennsylvania— hoping AJ would have a better life. AJ wanted to be a teacher, however, after sharing this with his aunt and uncle, was immediately told that being a teacher was an unacceptable goal and would bring shame to his family. AJ was to work hard to become a physician. As you can imagine, AJ was a superb student and went to college at the top tier Case Western Reserve University, majoring in biology. I went to Cleveland to visit AJ and was struck by how few students were Caucasian Americans. I clearly recall saying to AJ, “AJ, there aren’t any white people here.” AJ’s response was, “Too many kids in the U.S. don’t value an education— everyone else in the world does.” I conclude by telling you that AJ reached his goal. He is a cardiologist who also teaches at in hospital in which he has his practice!

Regardless of the challenges we parents face, I am appalled with Amy Chua’s methods. Nevertheless, we have to keep in mind that the Chinese culture is different than our culture, and this is why it is not appropriate to make cultural comparisons regarding education. Three beliefs held by most Chinese people with respect to parenting are:

1) When children don’t excel academically, the family is shamed; it is a child’s duty to his parents to be exceptional in school
2) Anything less than an A is unacceptable
3) Being a kid, having fun, watching TV, and playing with friends or on the computer lacks value; devotion to work for future success is the target.

These Asian beliefs aren’t without fallout. The pressure to succeed, let alone failing to succeed, leads many young Asians and Asian Americans to suicide. This reality is well documented in our top tier schools. For example, even though Asian Americans only comprise 14% of the students at Cornell, 13 of the 21 on campus suicides between 1996 and 2006 were Asian/Asian American students. To quote journalism professor Betty Ming Liu, “Parents like Amy Chua are the reason why Asian Americans like me are in therapy.”

Specific to Tiger Mom’s book, I will list excerpts from her book (in bold) along with my opinion regarding her comments.

Amy made Lulu, age 7, practice the piano piece, The Little White Donkey non-stop for hours and hours one evening until she perfected it. No dinner, no water, no bathroom break— nothing. After numerous breakdowns and threats, Lulu played the piece perfectly and was very proud of herself.

At the very most, I could accept this once— to make the point to our child that, “You can achieve great things you never thought you could achieve if you work hard, stick with it, and refuse to make excuses.” After that, it is up to the child to tell himself, “If I can learn The Little White Donkey in one night, I can do anything.” To make this approach standard practice is insane.

Amy told Sophia she was “garbage” for talking to her disrespectfully. Amy’s father called her garbage as well for the same infraction. Amy said, “It worked. I felt terrible and really ashamed of what I had done. It did not damage my self-esteem. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me.”

Are you willing to take the risk that you can degrade your child and he would not be scarred by it? I hope not. It is a rare person who can border on being brutal with a child and have that child understand and respect why the adult said what he said. Some gifted sports coaches (i.e. Vince Lombardi) have been able to lead this way, but to say those things to your own child? Remember how offended we were when William Baldwin called his daughter a pig?

“Everything I do as a mother is built on a foundation of love and compassion.”

It doesn’t matter what I think I am doing. What matters is how my child interprets what I am doing. Is it OK to abuse your child and say, “I am doing this because I love you?” You’d be setting you child up to be in very abusive relationships because her boundaries were not respected— out of love!

“By disciplining me, my parents inculcated self-discipline.”

That is the goal— for our discipline to lead to self-discipline. But I don’t think the end justified the mean. There are more humanistic ways.

When Amy won 2nd place for something at a school awards assembly, her dad said to her, “Never, ever, disgrace me like that again.”
So, our kids should not be experiencing success for themselves, but for their parents? Totally disagree. My daughter’s life is her life, not mine. If she behaves badly, she is reflecting badly on her own character. She needs to accept responsibility for her own her life. If my daughter messes up, I want her to be disappointed in herself. I also think, what about the other parents and the other kids? Don’t they matter? Do I only win when I am better than everyone else? I am a winner, therefore you are a loser.

Paraphrasing Amy, “My parents didn’t think about our happiness when we were children, they thought about preparing us for the future.”

I agree. We want our kids to make it in the real world and whether they are happy at any given moment in their childhood is not the priority. If it is the priority, our kids will be wimps. On this very topic, I highly recommend Edward Hallowell’s book, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness.

Amy’s kids practiced their instruments seven days a week, no excuses. While in Moscow, Amy got into an argument with Lulu, then 13, because she was not practicing the violin well enough and long enough. Quoting Amy, “All out nuclear warfare doesn’t quite capture it. After screaming and a glass smashing public showdown in a restaurant, I admitted defeat. ‘Lulu you win. It is over. We’re giving up the violin.’”
First, I do not like hearing parents say “we” when referring to something the child should own (i.e., “we need to start your homework.”) Second, power struggles are lose-lose. If our child doesn’t want us to win, he can dig his heels in. We have to keep in mind humans have basic psychological needs: fun, control, sense of belonging and feeling capable to name four. We have to meet our child’s needs. Making our child do something because it is important to us, yet not impacting us, is dysfunctional.

“Chinese parents demand their kids get A’s because we believe they can get A’s.”

It is wonderful to believe in your child and his capabilities, but what if he truly struggles to learn Geometry or Russian? Are we willing to ruin our relationship with our child over striving for A’s? Are we willing to turn every evening into a tension-filled battle? Of equal importance, people who pursue excellence in life are self-motivated, they love challenges, and they enjoy the journey.

The way I see it, there are better ways to achieve our goals. We can raise our children to be responsible, to be resilient, and to take pride in doing their best. Our kids can feel disappointment when they let us down without us telling them they should feel badly. We can raise kids to care about other people and contribute to their community. Lastly, we can have high expectations for our children, yet maintain a connected relationship with them.

Teaching Children Respect

Teaching Your Child About Respect

“Do as I say, not as I do”.

You’ve probably heard this said at least once in your life, said by a parent to a child. It’s usually meant wryly or humorously, but the implication behind the phrase is profound.

You can tell a child to embrace a certain behavior till the cows come home – but if you yourself take the opposite action, that is what they will learn.  Every time!

I was sitting recently with my friend, Elsa. We were discussing her teenage daughter. Amanda had come into the room and promptly got into a disagreement with her mother, which escalated at the speed of light into shouting, defiance, and Amanda storming out, deaf to her mother’s entreaties and commands. The situation went from calm quicker than Han Solo accelerating into hyperspace, in the movie “Star Wars”.

“Sorry about that,” said Elsa, turning to me with a weary sigh.  She grimaced. “The truth is, every mistake you make when they’re little comes back a thousand fold to kick you in the teeth, as soon as they hit their teens. You get away with nothing!”

Elsa had a shrewd point.  Children who hear their parents swear… will use foul language themselves. Children who see their parents steal… will steal.  Seems simple enough, right?

The problem begins in those vast areas of gray… the areas we don’t know we operate in, because we are wearing the blindfolds we ourselves picked up from our own parents. For example, if they hear us always complain – about life, people, circumstances – our children will become negative people. We ourselves may even think we’re complaining humorously – but we’re still complaining.

If they see us being timid and self-effacing, they will not respect themselves.  If they see us being high-handed and arrogant, they will become arrogant, insensitive adults.

This brings a specific incident to mind.  Years ago, one of my neighbors was an elderly man who ran a specialty comic book store. I did not know him well – we mostly wished each other good morning as he opened up his store for the day, but I got the impression he was shy, nervous and not too well off. The store was open six days a week, and he was there when I left for work in the morning, and there when I came home at night, still waiting for customers: But it was always closed on Sunday.  He confided to me that Sunday was his day for himself, and he obviously prized this time highly.

One Sunday as I set out to catch the bus, I was surprised to see him there, loading boxes of comic books into his little compact car. He admitted he was off to a comic book convention. Suddenly, with the air of one revealing a wonderful treat, he added that he was really looking forward to eating a Bacon-and-Egg McMuffin and Hash Brown patty at McDonald’s on the way – that is, if he could get away before they “stopped doing breakfast”. I took the hint, and wished him a good day at the convention.

As I stood waiting for the bus, however, a Mercedes Benz pulled up beside my neighbor, and an immaculately dressed man and a boy of around twelve got out.  I did not catch everything that was said, but the gist of it was… my neighbor kept firmly explaining he was not open; that he was only there to collect supplies and was late in his schedule… all to no avail.  The father loudly over-talked and bullied my neighbor into changing his plans, foregoing his much-anticipated McDonald’s breakfast to open his store for the man’s son (who ended up browsing for twenty minutes and buying nothing.)

As they left the store, I the heard the man tell his son: “It doesn’t matter that we didn’t buy anything. That’s not the point. You have to let these people know you don’t take “no” for an answer.”

I thought to myself:  “What a horrible lesson to teach your child: To disregard other people’s rights, priorities and preferences and show them how to bully… to teach them that you are better than anyone else!”

He was also teaching his son that he, the son, was the center of the Universe; that his needs came before anyone else’s.

When this man is in a nursing home, complaining bitterly that his son never comes to see him, he will probably never realize he is reaping the rewards of his own forceful teaching. He will not be proud of his son for focusing on his own needs and not his father’s.

To sum it all up:

• When teaching children respect, you have to model it – not demand it

Parenting Skills

The Secrets of Highly Effective Parents

My middle son, Jacob, is very interested in gold, silver, and diamonds.  He is particularly keen on selling my diamond engagement ring and buying me a crystal replacement and himself a room full of toys!  As I tuck him into bed at night, he sometimes asks this playful question, “Mom, if someone would give you an entire house filled with diamonds and gold in exchange for me—would you sell me?”

“NEVER!” I state resolutely.  “I love you more than all the diamonds in the world!”  Then we laugh and exchange ‘I love you’s, ascertain that the nightlight is on, the fan is on its lowest speed, teeth have been brushed, and stuffed animals are all nearby.

We would never dream of trading our children for all the money in the world.  (Well, except on certain, very trying days!)  So, let’s think about this:  How far would you travel to save 80% on a new air conditioner and how long would that take?  Shouldn’t we budget at least that amount of time for giving individual attention to our kids… daily?

Making time for our children is the best way to educate them that they are at least as important as our housework, errands, and careers.

Physically or emotionally absent parents allow a void to be created in their children’s lives that they may attempt to fill by seeking out harmful types of activities.

Everyone knows that children require proper nutrition to have healthy bodies.  The absence of integral vitamins or minerals can wreak havoc on young, rapidly-developing body systems.  Emotional development works with the exact same principles.  Emotional nurturing and love are the nutrients that are critical to the formation of healthy mindsets, relationships, and self confidence.

When we speak lovingly to our children, they will quickly learn the language of love.

Each and every person has their own “language of love”, and it is imperative that we develop our parenting skills and tap into the type of love and communication that resonates best with our child’s personality.  A full description of the 5 languages of love is beyond the scope of this article, find more information in this bestseller:  The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman

How To Talk To Teens About Sex

The Teen Culture and Sexuality

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

For twenty-one years I taught a sexuality unit as part of my eleventh grade health education course.  At the beginning of my career it was a risk to teach anything other than the biological aspects of sexuality, and my superintendent told me so. But I knew kids needed information on boundaries, relationships, love and pre-marital sex, and I accepted the risk.

In 2001, while serving as a school counselor and parent education facilitator, a parent stayed after a parenting class, handed me an article, and said, “I have a new class for you to teach.” The article discussed the casual sexual behavior of many teens, referred to currently as the hook-up culture. So I spent the next year researching adolescent sexuality and started the course It’s About Time.

Since then I have not only attempted to convince parents that they need to be their child’s primary sexuality educator, but I have also created opportunities to speak to teens on the subject. Much to my surprise, teens listened to every word out of my mouth. Even senior high boys respected me for telling them to be gentlemen. I have yet to have even one negative experience speaking to parents or kids about sexuality. Why?  Parents are petrified because their kids are being bombarded by sexuality in the media, and kids know having sex with virtual strangers is damaging their souls. Here are shocking statistics regarding the youth culture:

* 25% of females have been victims of dating violence

* 23% of teen girls have sent nude or semi-nude “sext” images of themselves

electronically; the number one reason for doing so is pressure from their boyfriends

* 70% of college females have been verbally coerced into having unwanted  sex

* The U.S. has the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the developed world,  and the highest rate of teens contracting STDs (40% of sexually active teen females)

* Boys having sex as teens are six times more likely to be depressed and girls are four times as likely to be depressed in comparison to teens who are virgins

* Oral sex is seen as being less intimate than kissing by many teens

* 88% of teens feel pressure to have sex

Many of these statistics refer to the sad state of affairs with girls, but it is girls who get pregnant, who are victims of male aggression, who are much more prone to STDs, and who are wired for sex to be part of an emotionally connected relationship, and who get called vulgar names if they are sexually active. Young males can easily separate love and sex, and need specific instruction in order to behave as gentlemen.

Our society is saturated with sexual content and yet parents are not being proactive in talking to their kids, and schools are still at least ten years behind the times in delivering meaningful sexuality education. In ’It’s About Time’ we give our teens the direction they need to make healthy choices with their sexuality. Teens do not understand that they cannot hook-up in casual sexual encounters without it affecting future relationships and the role of physical intimacy in those loving relationships. Teen boys cannot use teen girls, and girls cannot allow themselves to be used without it impacting the respect each has for the other.

The good news is that numerous research studies all conclude with the same finding: teens want their parents to guide their decisions with respect to their sexual behavior. They turn to their peers and the Internet by default. We have a moral obligation to shape our child’s sexual attitudes, beliefs and behavior. Their future family happiness is at stake.

My concern for the choices many teens are making, the indecency of the media, and the lack of quality comprehensive sexuality education lead me to write Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality. I am thrilled to partner with Ellen Braun and offer a tele-course for parents on the topic of communicating with our children about sexuality. Information on this course, along with a free tele-class we are offering is available here:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/thetalk/freecall/ – slots are limited to 500, so reserve your spot now.

Alan Carson is a retired educator and ACPI® Coach for Parents. Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com or through his website, http:www.coachforparents.net.

Parenting Teenagers

Parenting Teens

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

Having taught, coached, counseled teens for a career, and being the father of a seventeen-year old, I think I know teens.  In my opinion, here is how we need to parent teenagers effectively:

1) Teens absolutely need to be trusted. It is beyond wanting to be trusted.  They need us to trust them. Even when they make mistakes, do stupid things, defy boundaries, they expect that we’ll trust them to learn from their mistakes.  That is the tough part— they do something ridiculous and we’re still supposed to trust them.

I know this is ludicrous, but here’s the problem.  If we communicate that we don’t trust them, then they internalize that and say to themselves, “My parents don’t trust me, so I guess I’m a loser.  Since I’m a loser, I’ll do what losers do. My parents don’t expect any better from me.”

Therefore, we need to say things like:

“We need to work on this trust issue.”

“Convince me you’ve learned your lesson. I should trust you because—??”

“I trust you’ve learned from this and it won’t happen again.”

“You do want me to trust you, right? Well let’s earn it, OK?”

“You’re a smart kid, I expect better from you.”

2)  Teens want the right to make their own decisions— when to study and do homework, how much to study, who to be friends with, when to go to bed, and so forth.  And they want to make these decisions to the extent that they will go against our logical advice just to do it their way.  Asserting control can be more powerful for them than the desire to be successful. Therefore, we need to plant seeds and trust they will give our opinions consideration.

3)  Power struggles are lose-lose. We can’t make teens do anything and if we try, the lose-lose is:

-  our relationship suffers

-  they possibly are going to do what they want to do anyway

-  if they do what we want them to do against their will, they’ll resent us

-  we get frustrated, irritated and angry

4)  Our power when parenting our teens is in our relationship with them. If we create a heart connection with our kids, they will not want to disappoint us because they respect us. None of us like letting down people we respect. When they are out with their friends, they’ll think about us before they do something stupid or wrong. Why?  Because when they come home they’ll have to look us in the eye, and if they behaved poorly, that will make them uncomfortable. Did you want to hurt people you respected when you were growing up? Our relationship with our teens trumps all other issues.

5)  We can’t control who they choose to be friends with. All we can control is holding them accountable for their behavior, regardless of the circumstances. Therefore we say, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you

get to pick who you’re friends with. I resented it when my parents didn’t like my friends and so we’re not going to do that with you. The bad news is, if you get in trouble when you’re with your friends, don’t expect me to bail you out or buy your story. You will be held accountable.”

6)  Teens are hyper sensitive to both our opinions and our judgments. Don’t take it personally if your child gets irritated with you when you communicate your thoughts about something.  It is highly annoying, but just say “I’m allowed to have

my own brain you know.”  Adolescence is tough— growing up is about forming your own identity.  So they are not children and they aren’t adults. They are half way between, and becoming their own person can be a tough phase. One of the outcomes is that they get irritated when we open our mouth. Don’t create a conflict with them over it, but do set a boundary.

7)  Teens want freedom. They don’t want to hear “no.”  While there will be times that we need to say “no,” we should do our best to negotiate. We express our concerns and require that our kids convince us that they have a plan to stay safe and fulfill our expectations. We’d love to protect our teens, but we often can’t.  We have to prepare them for the teen culture. We prepare them by talking with them about potential risks and how we expect them to conduct themselves.

8 )   Our kids want to fit in with their peers and specifically fit in with their own peer group. Therefore, we have to hope that our kids choose friends who we’re pleased with.  If we’re not thrilled with their friends, we probably won’t like our child’s clothing, music, media interests, activities— and so forth.  When that is the case, we communicate our concerns and discuss the impact their decision-making may have on their future goals. Regardless of our fears, we have to keep #4 in mind:  our power is in our relationship. The teen culture is powerful, but not as powerful as a connected parent-teen relationship.

9)   The older they get, the more we have to let go. Micromanaging a teen is counterproductive. They have to learn to make decisions, and it is best that we start to do that when they are young and poor decisions normally don’t have grave consequences:  going to school tired, failing to finish a project on time, and going to a Friday night high school football game without a coat are things our kids are better off experiencing when they are young.

 

Questions? Add your comments and questions below:

Quality Time With Children

Virtually all parents consider a trip to the playground or a museum to be quality time with their children. An afternoon spent together at a park is quality time; however children need more than just quality time with their parents; they need connection time.

We are well aware as to when our children feel connected to us and when they feel disconnected, even if this specific terminology may be new to us.

When our children are feeling disconnected from us, they answer in monosyllables, avoid physical touch, and hesitate to make eye contact. On the other hand, when kids do feel connected to their caregivers, they are talkative, physically affectionate, and spontaneously happy.

As adults, we are capable of letting go of our connection to close friends for many months – even years, and then picking up right where we left off. Children, whose prefrontal cortex is still in development, do not possess this ability.

If my son has not seen his grandmother a year, he will not be able to pick up the relationship where it left off last winter, no matter how much he knows intellectually that Grandma loves him.

Kids require ongoing nourishment to maintain their relationships, as their minds and relationship skills are growing and devloping along with their bodies.

Our children, for the most part, are unaware of the myriad of things that we do FOR them. However, they are fully aware of the things which we do WITH them.

Bringing children to a park, a movie, or museum can be a great activity, yet the value of the quality time for children is in the level of connection that exists within those excursions.

When parents sit on the bench and view their children’s gravity-defying antics on the monkey-bars, that is one level of quality time with children.

However, a game of tag with children chasing their parents is light-years ahead of just watching children play in terms of the connection that is created by engaging in an activity simultaneously.

It has been said that each child requires a minimum of fifteen minutes of connection time with his caregiver in order to develop optimally. Some days, our connection time may be limited to less minutes due to circumstances beyond our control. Even two minutes of connecting, time spent with loving eye contact, physical affection, building, cooking, or playing together will fill up our children’s emotional bank accounts.

Let us commit to spending a minimum of ten minutes of quality time with our children truly connecting with their hearts and minds.  Are you ready for this commitment?

P.S.  Connection Parenting by Pam Leo is a gem of a book, and one of my newest favorites.  It is an easy read with clear and compelling instructions, research, and advice.  You’ll save a bundle on future therapy costs by purchasing this treasure now:)

Conflict Resolution

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a stay-at-home mom of two rambunctious boys, aged 5 and 3. lately, I feel like all they do is fight, fight, fight! (“I want the blue car” – “Me, me” – you get the picture!) How can I make it stop?

Thanks, A Frazzled Mom

Dear Frazzled Mom,

You may find comfort in the knowledge that fighting between siblings ranks very high in most people’s parental pet peeves. It’s loud, it’s intense, and sometimes it seems it will never go away. Before we tackle the question of to do about kids’ fighting, it’s important to step back and consider the large picture of what it is we’d like to accomplish when we intervene. You may be groaning and rolling your eyes. “I just want it stopped!” But let’s take a closer look at some vital lessons we can impart to our children along the way.

You have identified conflicts between young children: “You stole my stickers!” “Stop looking at me!” and the like. These conflicts will evolve into more complex conflicts throughout every age of childhood and the teenage years. In its various forms, conflict is inevitable. So the bad news is, your children probably won’t grow out of this anytime soon

But don’t despair. Before we resign ourselves to constant bickering, let’s take a look at the necessity of these conflicts and the opportunities they offer us as parents.

The possibility of conflict between two parties is present and unavoidable in every form of human interaction. People have needs, and these needs may conflict with those of another person. We know all about conflicts between siblings, but it isn’t difficult to identify conflict at every level: between neighbors (“He keeps blocking my driveway!”), in the workplace (“I put in all this work and she takes the credit!”), and even on global levels (“They stole our land!”).

Now let’s revisit the issue of fighting between siblings. When we widen our lens to take in the larger picture, the bickering takes on a new importance – a new potential. Fighting between siblings becomes a unique opportunity for children to learn conflict resolution skills in a supportive atmosphere. We offer them a virtual social laboratory, enabling them to learn these skills at their own pace, with plenty of opportunities to practice! Here, they learn to navigate the complex maze of human relationships. Here is a safe environment where they can utilize their unique endowment of strengths to build rewarding relationships while ensuring each party’s satisfaction. We can guide them in learning to get their needs met without impinging on someone else’s and how to be assertive and proactive without resorting to aggression or submission.

So next time the inevitable, “He kicked me!” is heard in your home, view it as a unique teaching opportunity. And have no fear: if you botched it the first time, rest assured you’ll have many additional opportunities at your disposal!

Firstly, whenever possible, ignore bickering. The guiding principle here, and among many other areas of parenting, is to foster responsibility among your children. Try to let the kids resolve these mini-conflicts; intervening should be done minimally and as a last resort so as not leave the children feeling as if they can’t handle it alone.

Sometimes you’ll hear the arguing beginning to escalate, and your intervention may be helpful. Not to judge or serve as a referee, but rather to help dispel the tension and allow the children to actually hear each others’ needs. Think of your role as that of a translator: your job is to translate each child’s screaming, name-calling, and even physical aggression, into a language the other child can hear and accept, while preserving the intensity and feeling and the needs communicated by the first child.

When you hear: “You’re such a disgusting slob! I can’t stand living with you! I spend hours cleaning up and you’ve wrecked it gain- now I have nowhere to hang out with my friends!”

You as translator can interject: “Whoa! You’re really mad. You’ve worked so hard and it’s frustrating to see all that work go to waste. And it’ll be embarrassing for to bring friends here…” This allows the children to deal with actual feelings and needs, without getting stuck in blaming and name-calling.

Finally, if fighting gets to a point where parental intervention is inescapable, try to use it as an opportunity to impart a bite-sized lesson of the values in your home (while physically restraining, if necessary.) “Stop! I see two children about to really hurt each other! You must be really mad! But in our house, we use our mouth to show each other we’re angry… Ben- you go to your room. Amy- to yours. When you’ve calmed down enough to talk it out, come out and work it through!”

Sibling conflicts can be an opportunity to teach our children some of our deepest values about respect, relationships, and communication. Seize the opportunity to share these lessons, and with time, you’ll begin to see your children mirror these values in their own relationships.

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Gain Cooperation – Without Nagging, Haggling, or Bribing!

Download the FREE report:

“How Do I Get My Kids to Cooperate?”

Ten Tips, Tricks, & Techniques to Gain Children’s
Co-operation – Without Nagging, Haggling, or Bribing!

Right here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/ten-tips.pdf

Share your feedback and PERSONAL TIPS below!

Preview the Table of Contents here:

1. Talk on their level
2. Flex and tone
3. Be a part of their world
4. Divert and distract
5. Validate, then call the shot
6. Win /Win
7. Mastery
8. Glass half full
9. “Do as I do”
10. On the same page

Happy Parenting!

Ellen

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