Snappy Siblings

Question:

I just read what Dyan wrote on this site, via the email- loved it – and I have a question and need help!

What should we do with our eleven-year-old son who is continuously being “snappy” and short tempered (yelling, being crabby) with his eight-year-old sister?  He complains that she is annoying; and while that might be the case in some instances, certainly not all – this has gone on for over a year (during which, Dad was serving in Iraq).  Dad is back now, and neither of us know what to do.

Our family went away for an overnight, and the 2 kids actually had FUN having a pillow fight in the hotel room!  This made me want to cry, as that is about the only time they weren’t squabbling in such a long time.

Judy, WI

The question is:  How to get my son to “love” (or at least, be nice to) his sister?

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

It’s inevitable that kids will fight. If we can try and think of every squabble as a great opportunity for teaching our children about negotiation and problem-solving skills (tactics they will need as adults) then we might have a better appreciation for helping them to deal with conflict. I know better said than done! Sometimes the fighting is just too much and when they are not being “nice” to one another, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved ourselves.

I offer some strategies you might want to employ to help with your children’s sibling disputes:

• Try and discern what is at the root of the problem: Is your son jealous of his younger sister? (Is she more athletic; does she get more “physical” attention because of an illness or a learning disorder; is she smarter; does she have more friends.) There could be any number of reasons why he might be envious of her. The key is to find out if he is and provide him opportunities where his strengths and differences shine and are not overshadowed by her talents. For instance, if he is a whiz at chess – find a chess club in your area. Try and involve them in individual activities that highlight their differences and varying interests and not boast about one more than the other (we don’t do this on purpose, but sometimes just talking about what so and so did that was so great and not mention the sibling, is interpreted by the sibling that he is less than/not as loved as much/that his parents favor his sister etc; etc.)

• He’s three years older, and that should come with some privileges: such as having a later bedtime, taking on more responsibilities (yes that is a privilege!), perhaps attending functions or groups where there is a minimum age requirement (11-13 year olds), watching movies or reading books that are ok for his age but not appropriate for hers; so that he feels a sense of some entitlement — not to lord over his sister, but to help him feel that he doesn’t always have to “be” and “play” with an eight year old. He’s coming into pre-adolescence and his hormones and thought processes are changing at a rapid rate (which also includes moodiness and intolerance). So when he has some time “away” that he can act and be 11 he may start to appreciate the time he does spend with his sister because he has had a reprieve somewhere in the middle of living with her.

• When you say she is annoying – how is she annoying? Is she going into his room uninvited? Taking his stuff? He should be allowed to have some possessions that he doesn’t have to share. As adults, we don’t always share with our neighbors or our own children either. So tell him to tag some items that are strictly his and she needs to learn to respect that they do not belong to her. And likewise of course. He shouldn’t be taking her stuff or going into her room without her permission either.

• Because of the age difference, especially with him at 11 and her 8 (it will level off again when their developmental needs are more aligned) try engaging them in activities together that will appeal to both ages.  It’s hard during this spread to find activities that interest them both and they can get along doing. You will probably find your son fluctuates between being a “teenager” who is only into music and skateboards and friends and then on the turn of a dime he is being carefree and having a pillow fight. Cards is usually one that holds an interest for all ages – teach them euchre, or cribbage that you can play as a family. Fuse ball or cranium; anything that will be fun for “all” ages and you and your husband do it with them. When you do things that appeal to both, the age and developmental gap will be less prominent during their interactions.

• Try and foster independence in your children and get them to work it out as much as possible where you don’t have to be involved. Teach them to negotiate and problem solve. For example: “The two of you need to work out a schedule for the TV and if you are not able to do that, I will have to intervene and you may not like what I come up with.” They may surprise you and come up with something brilliant and amicable. This also teaches them that they can’t rely on other people to always fix their problems or intervene on their behalf when they are confronted by conflict.

• Have consequences you can follow through on for when they are name calling or physically lashing out at one another. I like to use restitution. Whenever one of my boys emotionally or physically hurts another, I have them make amends by giving their brother a “good deed”. Sometimes they write letters of apology, or clean their brother’s room, or take on their brother’s chores for a day, or give their brother some worthy possession (that usually happens when there’s a need for a big apology). I don’t believe in just having them say “sorry”. They often just end up being words. But when they have to make amends and be thoughtful about it, that’s when you really see and hear the apology.

• Teach your children to verbalize how teasing and snappiness from one another makes them feel. Get your daughter to tell him how it hurts her feelings so he can understand and appreciate the impact of his actions (it is the development of empathy). Tell your son to describe how her being annoying bothers him. When we give our children a “feelings vocabulary” they are more able to factor in all sides of an argument by listening to how other people feel. Feeling words have dramatic meaning and help to trigger emotions where empathy resides.

• Don’t always assume it is your son being nasty for no reason. He just may be more vocal and loud in his response to your daughter instigating. Another words, he gets caught and she doesn’t. This may not be the case but bear with me… If you didn’t see the precipitating event, I wouldn’t rely on what either of them says about it. And not because I am suggesting they would lie, but the truth is in the eye of the beholder. People tell “their” truth based on their perception of what happened. And usually everyone has a different perception. Try and get them to voice their feelings about an incident as opposed to finding out what happened. You will never get the whole truth so be solution focused instead of re-hashing the problem. Re-hashing the problem doesn’t fix it – finding a solution to the problem will.

• Concentrate on when the kids are getting along and make sure you let them know how much you enjoy watching that. For instance “I really appreciated how well the two of you got along on that trip; it was an enjoyable family outing!” Be realistic though, you can’t expect them to get along all of the time and insisting that they do is too high a bar for them to reach.

• This started when dad was serving in Iraq – your son may have become a little “parentified” thinking he was the man of the house. He may have felt it was necessary to “keep his sister in line” so to speak; and being immature, he wouldn’t know the first thing about how to “raise” an eight year old except to boss her around.  He may have some unresolved fear issues about his dad being in Iraq and it manifested in his hostility toward his sister. He may still feel angry for dad leaving him for a period of time. You might want to explore these issues more. It sounds like he is only behaving this way to his sister and no one else. How is he toward you? Dad? Have there been problems with peers (fighting, bullying) or at school with teachers? If the anger is happening elsewhere you may want to explore some ways that he can work that out (perhaps counseling for him and dad).

Coping with Grandpa’s Death

Question: My Father-in-law passed away a few months back. He was a very dear family member to all of us, especially to my daughters, Rachel 6, and Nicole, 3. When he passed away all our emotions took over us – we were sad, crying, anxious of the future without him lonely, etc. Rachel cried for a few minutes seeing us cry but during the funeral she was ok, singing and doing her own thing.

It’s after a couple of weeks, and very abruptly she bursts into crying and tells us how much she misses him. I think now that he isn’t there in person for any occasion she has realized that she will never meet him or see him. I keep telling her to talk to him in prayer and ask him to ask over beloved father in heaven to grant our sincere favors.

I have noticed that she has started acting out and in some cases has stopped performing well in school.

Please help. Thanks in advance for all your advice.

Sincerely,

Andrea

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Andrea,

Grief is a very individualized process. Not all of us will grieve in the same way or for the same length of time. It is a particularly complex process for children, based on their age and stage of development and understanding about death. Your daughter is only 6 years old; given her cognitive abilities at this age, her reactions seem very typical. I have listed a couple of articles that provide a great deal of information on the stages of the grieving process for young children that will hopefully put into context and perspective your daughter’s experience dealing with her loss.

Grief and Children
Healing Children’s Grief

Some additional thoughts:

Younger children do not usually have adequate language skills to express emotions of grief. Young children are their feelings – what they do with their bodies (how it is manifested – crying, stomach aches, acting out) is their grief. Art and play therapy are an effective way to get children to work out feelings of loss and come to terms of acceptance. Check out resources in your area for psychologists or child and adolescent therapists that specialize in art or play therapy.

* Children’s grief support groups can also help in the healing process – many funeral homes or hospices may offers such groups for children.

* Children often appreciate being offered pictures and possessions of the deceased person as a way of supporting their grieving process. Allow them to have clothing of the person, to play with objects and to have discussions about the person.

• Take the child’s lead in how much information they are seeking and be honest (but sensitive) with your answers.

Check in with the child from time to time to see if she is requiring support or needing more information. Be open to discussion. If she feels that you do not want to talk about Grandpa then she may feel ashamed of her own grief and may suppress her feelings.
When a family member passes away it disrupts the dynamic of the entire family – she is probably sensing this difference and is feeling afraid. Make every effort to communicate to her that she is safe and that you and your husband are still there to take care of her.

When a child’s parent is crying and upset it makes a child feel uncertain about the parent’s ability to carry on in the way that the child is use to. That is not to say you should hide your grief – quite the contrary – it is healthy for her to see you express your emotions (in an appropriate way of course) so that she learns about the process of dealing with loss. You just have to make certain that at the same time you are experiencing your grief that you are reassuring her that you are there to help her.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Progress, Not Perfection

Recently I noticed a bumper sticker in a parking lot which read, “Progress, not Perfection.”

Hundreds of examples of how to apply that motto to childrearing rushed through my head as I made my way past that shiny sedan.

Although most of those ideas flew right out of my brain by the time I got to the keyboard, I’m happy to be able to share what I can recall;)

Have you ever heard that if Christopher Columbus had invested one cent into a fund that yielded compound interest in 1492, that account would now be worth over $95 billion?

The moral is that ‘baby steps’ work.

Just because you can’t change the world (or yourself, or your spouse, or your child) does not mean that you ought not make the incremental changes that can accomplish a tremendous amount.

Let’s take a simple example of a positive family change:

“I will stop raising my voice in my communication with my children.”

What a wonderful, commendable resolution that is.

Realistically, it may last for two days, two weeks, or perhaps two months if we are particularly soft-tempered!

The general pattern of events is that certain levels of frustration result in shouting, which, in turn, will result in giving up on the above-mentioned resolution.

A roughly translated quote from an ancient sage reads, “He who grabs all is left with none.”

How aptly that describes our typical involvement in effecting positive changes.

As humans, we tend to reach for the stars. Thus, our failure to achieve those fantastic expectations results in discouragement.

Let’s try a new strategy, a strategy of progress.

How differently would the atmosphere my household radiate if I cut down on the number of times I raise my voice- without altogether pledging to eliminate any and all shouting?

Like Columbus’s proverbial penny, little changes add up to great transformations.

A small, positive shift in our behavior is likely to create a pleasant ripple of change through our family life.
Find two or three minutes of solitude, and ask yourself this: What can I do to make my child’s life a better one?

Additional quality time, more patience during mealtime, taking up a joint hobby, reading a book together- are just a few of the ideas that suddenly come to mind.

Figure out the concept that will work best for you and your child, and commit yourself to create progress- not perfection!

Happy parenting- the job where perfection is always elusive!

My Son is Ruining my Life!

Question: I am sorry about how this may sound, but my eight-year-old son is ruining my life. He is bossy, whiny, demanding, and disrespectful. This is despite years of my strictly enforcing our house rules of respect, proper conduct, and love. My husband and I are worn out and as our son gets older his bad behavior worsens. He has stolen money from my purse, habitually lies to us, whines and has melt downs. I know he can control himself because if he wants something he can be a perfect angel for weeks on end. Once he gets what he wants he reverts back. I am tired of being blackmailed into giving him things just so he will behave. Help!!! Do you have any ideas??

Sincerely,

Kate

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Kate,

There is a lot of stuff going on here and without a complete background history it may be difficult to tease out what the real issues are so I will attempt to tackle each of the “symptoms” you describe and offer some solutions for each one of those – my thoughts may not necessarily be a true representation of what is going on in your home.

“Bossy, whiny, demanding, disrespectful and has melt downs”: I am assuming whatever you are currently trying to curb these behaviors hasn’t worked for you so far. You mention “strictly enforcing house rules of respect, proper conduct and love” – I would encourage you to examine how you are strictly enforcing these values and evaluate whether or not you need to make some changes. Children often respond more to modeled behavior than what is preached to them. I have no idea how you relate to one another in your home, and I am not wanting to sound accusatory, but think about how you and your husband communicate – is it respectful? When your son is behaving in these ways how do you respond? Do you in turn treat him with respect by validating his feelings -not the same as agreeing with him (you don’t have to), but letting him know you understand how he feels? Or do you yell back at him and engage in conflict and make demands of him? Do you have enough respect for yourself to calmly tell him that you do not deserve to be spoken to that way and will not respond to his demands or whining but when he can speak to you in a respectful way, you are more than happy to have a conversation with him?

It’s a tricky thing when your child is behaving this way not to fall into the trap of feeding into the behavior. These types of negative behaviors are well known for pushing parent’s emotional buttons. Unfortunately, it is often how we react – usually by losing our cool and yelling threatening things like “stop that right now or you’ll lose computer for a week” or “don’t you speak to me that way, get in your room NOW, you’re grounded for a month” that reinforces disrespect. Negativity only begets negativity. And at the end of all the arguing, if you give into the demands the child has made or you don’t follow through on the threats you made, you have only taught him that he needs to whine and argue and boss you around for a certain period of time before he gets what he wants and that there is no consequence for his behavior.

I recently wrote an article dealing with the do’s and don’ts of teaching children Self Control – it may of interest to you.

“Stolen money from my purse”: stealing money can mean a lot of different things – the child is seeking attention because he “feels” unloved, the child is materialistic and takes money to buy things to fill an emotional void, the child is giving money to someone at school because he is being bullied, the child is taking money to buy drugs or alcohol, the child lacks self or impulse control because due to an underlying mental health disorder. The first thing you need to do is try and understand the root of the problem. Why is he taking money? And I caution you – if you ask him he probably won’t know the answer. You need to discern what the reason is and work from there to correct the behavior.

You mentioned that you are tired of being blackmailed into giving your child things so he will behave. Rewards systems are a controversial subject. Many parents believe in their validity and use them from a very young age to get their children to cooperate and engage in desirable behaviors – usually because they see good results early on. There is one school of thought that thinks reward systems are a detriment to a child’s sense of self worth and only contribute to negative behaviors in the long run. The idea is that children who are use to receiving prizes or treats for “good” behavior become externally motivated and as they get older, they up the ante and only work or behave for mom and dad, if there is a reward involved: “What will you give me if I take the garbage out?” “I’ll only do that if you pay me.” When a child cannot always get what he wants he may resort to “stealing it” because without a reward, he doesn’t feel like he is a good enough person. The reward validates his worth. Not everyone agrees with this theory- as I said it’s a controversial subject. If you want to read more on the detriments of rewards systems check out the following article by pediatrician B. Brazelton. Another parenting expert that has similar views is Barbara Coloroso – check out her book Kids are Worth it!

If your child does not get an allowance you might want to start doing that. Have a discussion about how much you and he thinks would be fair and what kinds of things he will use his money for. I would also encourage you to implement some parameters around the money – such as he needs to save a percentage, give a percentage away to charity and the rest he can spend on something of his choice. This way he learns to manage money and understand it’s value and it will also give him a sense of control. It may also help stop him from taking money out of your purse because he will now have his own. Do not use it as a disciplinary tool though, do not make it contingent on his behavior – “you won’t get your allowance this week if you don’t behave” – then it becomes the same as a reward system. And I wouldn’t suggest tying the allowance to his chores either. Everyone in a family needs to work together to make a household function. I don’t think anyone pays you for doing the laundry or making meals! If he would like to negotiate with you to make some extra money by picking up some additional chores – that’s entirely different.

“Habitually lies to us”: like stealing, lying can occur for a number of different reasons. Another article I wrote on Teaching Kids Honesty may give you some ideas for how to deal with it. In the Recent posts side bar on Raising Small Souls there is additional information on kids and lying- (as well as defiant behaviors).

You and your husband are dealing with a lot here. I wouldn’t suggest trying to tackle each issue simultaneously. Prioritize and start addressing one problem behavior at a time. You don’t want to overwhelm yourself and get discouraged when you are not seeing results right away. This is going to take some time and you and your husband will need some support – parenting classes are a good way to share experiences and learning’s from other parents who have similar challenges.

A Follower, Not a Leader

Question: My son who is 8 tends to be a follower and goes with what everyone else wants. He does whatever others like and do. I want to help teach him or give him the confidence to be a leader and not care if he likes or does things differently. I am afraid he will follow the bad behavior of the wrong kids. What can I do to help with confidence and leadership? I have already tried talking to him about it without success.

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Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Your son sounds like he may fall into the category of people pleaser. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are usually the most compassionate and generous sorts. However, I do appreciate your fear of him not being able to stand up for himself if he is always listening and doing what other people tell him to.

Here are some suggestions to try that may be beneficial for you and your son.

• Nurture his strengths and talents and set him up with opportunities where he will succeed. If he shows special aptitude in a particular area then support those interests. He is more apt to find leadership opportunities in situations where his strengths are essential and welcomed.

• Whenever appropriate and possible give him choices for making decisions. As he gets older the choices you give him will carry more and more responsibility. As he gains skill at making decisions he will more accurately weigh the pros and cons of each choice. So when he is with the “wrong kids” he will have experience with discerning right choices from wrong ones.

• Encourage him to be more assertive. Invite his friends over and give him opportunities to set the agenda for play. Have him ask the other kids over to play a certain game of your son’s choice. As he gets practicing doing this on his own turf he may be less reluctant to be assertive out the schoolyard.

• Get him to assess his own worth at every opportunity by asking thought provoking questions about how he feels about a situation. You will have to find the right way to ask though, open ended questions will only give you yes or no answers. For example: “How does it make you feel to always play whatever everyone else wants to play?” Instead of: “Did you want to play what everyone else was playing?” If he gives you answers that suggests he feels bad about himself ask him to give you reasons for why that’s not true – if he can’t give you any examples then you give them to him based on fact.

A Recent Conversation:

Son: “I don’t think my friends like the games I play because they think they’re weird.”

Mom: “Well somebody invented that game and it sells in stores so what do you think about that?”

Son: “I think that people like different things.”

Mom: “Yeah, could you imagine if we liked all the same things and everyone was the same?”

Son: “Life would be very boring.”

Mom: “Yes. And when you play those games do you have fun or are you bored?”

Son: “Fun, and I do have some people who will play them with me and have fun too.”

This was an actual conversation – I can’t guarantee it will go this way for everyone but the point is to try and get children to assess their own worth and decide for themselves that it is ok to like different things.

I would also suggest that you take an accurate assessment of who your child is. Not everyone is a leader but that does not mean that they can’t contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your son may be content with “going with the flow” and as long as he has good morals and supportive parents, he will be alright. You may discover that he will not follow the “wrong kids”, but that he may follow the “right” ones.

Rebellious Teen

Question: My 15-year-old daughter’s grades have dropped recently. She has pushed the limits with my patience. She recently gauged her ears as well. I was mortified; she is such a nice, smart, beautiful young girl I am not sure why she would do this especially without asking for my advice or my permission. I made her remove the gauges and replace them with standard diamond studs. I feel like I have lost control. The other day I read a text message she had sent a friend about me it was insightful as well as awful. She does not want to attend family functions with my husband and our two younger children as she feels like I force her to do things she does not want to. She seems to be experiencing forms of depression. Is this normal at this age or should I seek clinical advice? She had a crush on a boy who ended up hurting her feelings, and I think this may have lowered her self- esteem. I’m truly at a loss for words; she repeatedly tells me nothing is wrong with her. I can tell something is bothering her as she is distant and unhappy.

Signed: Help me!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Help Me”:

When are children our babies it is relatively easy for us as parents to establish connections with them — it is an intuitive process and quite often a reciprocal one. We smile and talk softly to our infants and they respond in turn with a smile and a coo. When we meet our babies at the door in the arms of their day care providers, our whole attention is focused on our interaction with them and they in turn squeal with delight to see our radiant familiar faces. These instincts to preserve our bond with our children are continuously triggered into action during infancy. And although our love for our children certainly does not dissipate over time, our instinctive way of engaging them does. In today’s chaotic society, fractured connections with our children can pose real problems in terms of children deferring to unhealthy attachments to peers, substances and self harming rituals.

Essentially you are in competition with your daughter’s deferred attachments – I am assuming mostly her peers. You must supplant yourself in the position of your daughter’s friends! Impose restrictions on her peer interactions like: extracurricular activities that take her away for long periods, taking golf lessons with you or, going on weekend trips with the family, take away her cell phone (say it’s too expensive), picking her up from school. Don’t give her a choice by asking her to do these things – tell her it’s the way it’s going to be. The trick is that while you are imposing restrictions you must also be cultivating opportunities for the two of you to re-connect/attach. However, don’t let her know this is what you are doing – it would only cause her to dig in her heels and fight harder to keep her relationships outside your family. If she is wondering why you are all of sudden so “involved” with her, tell her you have been missing her and want to spend time with her because she is that important to you. Focus on re-establishing a relationship with her and try not to get caught up in her behavior – because you will see a lot of behavior while you are getting her to transition back into the family fold and that could cause you to abandon ship. Stay the course, no matter how rocky it gets. You need to win this competition!

In every encounter you have with her, establish eye contact and smile; this will set the tone for your interaction. Obviously it will be in more subtle terms than when your daughter was a baby. During infancy you probably stuck your face right in to hers until the sight of her two eyes merged into one. (Remember those days of Eskimo and butterfly kisses – sigh!) So instead of getting in her face, try putting yourself in her space. Take an interest in what is important to her – clothes, friends, and activities and communicate that interest by allowing her to express herself to you. It may be tempting to judge and ridicule, but for now you need to try and get an invitation into her world. Once she feels unconditional acceptance (that doesn’t mean you have to agree or like everything she says or does; you just have to be willing to listen) she will feel it is safe for you to know her. Once you have re-established yourself with her, you will be able to parent within the context of that relationship and your influence will become more prominent and affect how she will makes decisions. I don’t think this is entirely lost on you: you were able to get her to replace the gages in her ears with standard diamond studs. This is good news – if things were too far gone she likely would have refused to do that, regardless of what you had to say about it.

Don’t let the sun come up or go down without having expressed your love to her through physical contact (a hug, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a touch to the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a tussle of her hair). Saying “I love you” is important but “touch” grounds us to our connections.

Adolescence is a time for testing out independence and teenagers will do that by trying to push every limit and boundary a parent has set. Ironically, this age group thrives on structure and stability. So they need you to set limits and be in charge. They are not mature enough to go out into the world and not get lost to peer pressure and situations that are beyond their capabilities. This is a time where you begin to establish trust and teach a child how to live in the world with confidence and make decisions that are appropriate. You let your children go and be independent and depending on how they do, you let them go a little bit more each time. When they are not doing well with the independence they are given it is up to the parent to pull in the reigns and redirect and guide the child. When the child learns you are their road map to follow, they will want to stay close to you. Children don’t want to feel lost, and when they do they will attach to anything or anyone that promises a sense of direction.

When she escapes your interventions to take her away from her peers (and she will) you have to go and get her. I have a friend whose 15 year old son snuck out of the house and went to his girlfriends, where the parents were not home. When she discovered he was gone at 1am she drove there and knocked on the door. When he refused to come with her she sat in the driveway honking the horn until the neighbors began to complain and the son eventually got in her car. And it was a long time that she sat there making noise – but she never gave up and her efforts re-positioned herself as her sons’ main influence. It’s not always about consequences, sometimes we just have to demonstrate that we are “here” for them – no matter what they do! Consequences for misbehavior are important but right now your main goal is to reconnect with your daughter and lure her away from unhealthy choices. And believe me these kinds of things I am suggesting will feel like consequence enough to her! It won’t be necessary for you to impose any more.
I am a huge advocate of “the family that eats together stays together”. Insist on having family meals at the table, away from distractions and have thought provoking conversations. If talk doesn’t come easy use conversation starters: “Tell me about the best part of your day and the worst part of your day”; “If you could be anything on the planet, what would that be?” “Who is your hero, and why?” You learn a lot about each other during this kind of dialogue.

I wouldn’t rule out depression. If things persist past 6 months (perhaps they already have) you may want to have her assessed. The drastic drop in marks and withdrawal is concerning but that may be reactionary after being rejected by her crush – especially since she so obviously puts much stock in her peer relationships. There are other signs and symptoms of depression that you did not mention – not sleeping, or sleeping all the time, irritable mood, lack of appetite/weight loss, lack of interest in things she once enjoyed. It sounds more like teenage angst to me and a girl who is trying to find her identity within a group of peers; and yes, this is normal for this age.

Overcoming Shyness

Question: Is there anything you would recommend which would help our daughter, age 6, and overcome her shyness? Our main concern is that she finds it difficult to talk and interact with other children (other than her best friend) and make eye contact with others outside of the family.

We are trying to help prepare her for social events by talking through what is likely to happen and rehearse what she might say and do. Her teacher has suggested joining a drama group to build confidence. Can you suggest anything else?

Signed, What else can I do?

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

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Dear What Else,

I think what you are doing is great. Some kids can be very shy especially around unfamiliar people. I think rehearsing and preparing for social situations is a key way to lower your daughter’s anxiety, and help her feel more comfortable.

There are a few other ideas I would like you to consider. There are children who have a very hard time talking at school or social situations outside of the home. Some of these children stop talking altogether outside of the house. This is known as Selective Mutism. Interestingly enough, these same children can be very talkative with close friends and family. I am not suggesting that this is the case- however some of the recommended interventions may be helpful to you.

Other children are invited to the home, so the child can talk to them and spend time with them in a comfortable way. After this is done a number of times, the children usually feel more comfortable interacting with the same kids at school or other settings.

It is also helpful to have a parent or close family member with them at various social settings. (In cases of Selective Mutism the parent will accompany the child to school and talk with them there. This is repeated, and generally over a period of time the child will speak with other children and peers.) The trusted adult figure serves as a safety net in these situations.

Having her join the drama group is another great idea, as long as she wants to. I would not push her if she feels this is outside of her comfort zone. Certainly if there is a talent that she has, it can used as an expressive creative outlet.

The last idea I would like to present you with is a social skills group. Your daughter is at the perfect age to join one. She can make friends and acquire the skills and confidence to be more social in school and elsewhere.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Growing Up

Question: I have a son who is in 6th grade. Throughout all his elementary years, we were always so very close. If there was a function at school he wanted me to volunteer. If there was a class trip, he would hope that I would be the chaperone. If he didn’t have a friend over he would ask me to play video games with him and we would lie side by side on the floor together. So many times when I would tell him how big he was getting he would pat me on the back and say “don’t worry mom you’ll always be my best friend”.

Well independence has found him. There is such a change in attitude i.e. hang out together, no way; chaperon the upcoming field trip, I don’t think so. Disrespect has also found its way into our lives. Though after the second bout of my son calling me stupid he learned that I will not tolerate such behavior (I was bringing his friend over to stay the night, once he made the remark his friend was returned home. My son was not happy, but I stated you will not speak to me in such a manner).

His friends think I am a pretty cool mom, unfortunately my son no longer sees me in that fashion. The many parents that I have spoken to say this is just a phase and he will come back. If so, how much space do I allow him? Should I let him know that this hurts me?

Sincerely,

“Feeling Left Behind”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear “Feeling Left Behind”

I appreciate you openness and honesty regarding your feelings. Not everyone is able to do that, and I find it refreshing that you are so emotionally aware.

I have to say that I understand your hurt, but I am also glad that you recognize that this is an important part of his growing process. It’s wonderful that you are able to be firm and won’t tolerate disrespect. Too often parents in your shoes will let it slide in the hopes of remaining popular and cool in their kids and their friends eyes. It’s imperative that you remain the parent, and that your son understands that.

You do not mention a spouse or other children, so I don’t know whether you have any. Now would be a good time to invest in you, in your work, career, hobbies, or relationships. Your son is growing, evolving and developing. So should you.

When you ask how much space you should give him, I think the rule is as much as he requires as long as it’s safe and healthy activities and relationships that he is involved in.

I think it’s ok and even advisable to schedule some alone time with your son. Do something that he enjoys together. It’s alright to tell him that you want to do things together. It’s not ok to make him feel badly for growing up, and hanging out with his friends rather than his mom.

There is a parallel growth process for both of you. I congratulate you on recognizing and identifying your feelings, and I hope you take advantage of this opportunity.

Chores for Kids

Question: When I get home from work each afternoon, I spend a lot of time and energy cleaning up the house. I keep thinking that I’m doing it all on my own, and I am soooo guilty for not making my children help out around the house. I’d like suggestions on chores for an 8 year old girl and 3 year old girl, and how to best implement this new idea so that the kids help out willingly!

Signed: Sue

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Sue:

I think we are all guilty of this to some degree. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sometimes it’s just easier to do things ourselves in order to avoid the potential backlash we get when a we ask our children to do something of a domestic nature. It also saves us time as we most likely work at a faster pace than our children do. And often, don’t we just follow behind our children anyway and re-do whatever it was we asked them to do because it wasn’t done to our satisfaction? So we might as well just do it ourselves anyway, right? Still, my mother will re-load her dishwasher after me because she has found a knack for fitting all of her dishes in a certain way – I have not quite yet mastered her way of doing it and probably never will. When I’m over for dinner it’s become a bit of a joke between us. I load, she reaches in behind me and rearranges everything. We laugh now, but I didn’t always appreciate it when I was younger!

Before giving you suggestions on chores, you will have to think about establishing some new routines/rules regarding getting your girls to do chores. So the first thing I would suggest is for you to reassess your expectations. If you ask your eight-year-old to make her bed and you can still see the sheets hanging out the sides, you have to decide whether it’s worth having her go back and do it again, or will that be good enough for you?

The catch phrase “pick your battles” comes to mind. The age of your children will have something to do with lowering or raising your expectations. We must be realistic about what a three-year-old is capable of doing and doing well, as opposed to an eight-year-old. As children get older, they should be able to take on more responsibility around the house and with more efficiency as well.

I would recommend picking a “cleaning day” where you start the morning with a family meeting and put all the chores needed to be done that day into a hat. Everyone randomly picks what they will be responsible for. You can assign partners as well so the three year old is accompanied by someone older and will learn how to do things as she is being shown. It will be a family team effort this way. Regular chores throughout the week could be assigned and a chart could be designed listing chores and ticked off as they are completed so as to keep track of what they have left to do. (You can use a picture chart for the sake of the three-year-old.) If chores are not done within a specific time period, clearly stipulated on the chart, consequences should be imposed.

The “when/then rule” comes in handy in these situations. “When you have picked up the toys in your room, then you may go out side to play.” “When you have taken your plate over to the sink, then you may watch a half hour of TV.” Saying it this way sounds very different and less threatening than saying “if you don’t pick up your room you won’t be watching TV tonight.” Threats only invite conflict. Just practice saying these “when, then” rules over and over until they become a mantra for how you speak to your children about doing chores. They will come to appreciate and respect that they don’t move on to anything else until they have finished what they were asked to do. And be consistent in following through with consequences if they don’t.

You are in a prime position with your three year old. Children at this age love to be Mommy’s and Daddy’s little helper. Let her help- within the limits of safety of course – three year-olds want to cook but it’s not advisable for them to be around hot burners; but she could fold the napkins for the table and get some of the ingredients out of the fridge or cupboard for you. Sometimes when young children ask to help, we often say no because of the potential risk. The message we give is that they aren’t helpful, so why should they bother the next time they’re asked. Just find something she can do that is associated with the task, only safer. Even though she might make more of a mess than actually help out, she will feel appreciated for her effort and she will get better as she is allowed to practice. Your eight year old has probably already grown accustom to not having to help out around the house. You will have to have a conversation with her about establishing some new rules and a new routine and clearly outline the consequences that will be imposed if she refuses to cooperate with chores.

In terms of the types of chores themselves: a three-year-old can help sort laundry, clean up toys, take plastic cups and napkins to the supper table, dust, and sweep floors. An eight-year-old can set the table, unload a dishwasher, wipe off counters, fold laundry, make beds, feed pets, vacuum, Remember though, their age will depict how much and how well those chores will be done. But as they get older, it will only get easier to enlist their help because it is something they have gotten use to doing. Appreciate their efforts and take time to tell them just how helpful their contribution to the running of the house is to you. You might find them starting to give compliments and sentiments of thanks for all you do too.

Disconnected from 12-year-old-daughter

Question: For some reason, I feel like I have a chronic “dis-connect” from my eldest daughter, 12. I worry I’m failing her as a parent and really need help and advice. I know that we have a pattern of my asking her to do something, her not listening, then I get frustrated and bark orders at her until she does what she needs to do. The positive to negative ratio for our interactions are more on the negative end and I desperately want to change how I relate to her. I want to do better and help my daughter and I have a better relationship in the end. Thank you.
Signed: Desperate for Change

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Desperate for Change”,

I am so happy to hear that you are recognizing the “disconnect” between you and your daughter now, when she is 12 and did not wait until she was in the throes of her teens and entrenched in peer relationships before wanting to do something about it. It would be so much harder to re-establish yourself as her main influence when she is only interested in her friendships with peers.

I strongly encourage you to start “courting” your daughter. Plan events where you will have a lot of one on one time with her. It will force the two of you to address your relationship and start building on it. Go out for walks or take weekly drives in the country. Take an interest in something that you can do together on a frequent basis—gardening, take a painting or pottery class. Read in bed at night together. Create an environment of proximity.

Take the time to listen to her and allow her to be known by you. She may resist at first but present it in a way that she has no choice expect for maybe choosing the activity. A fabulous book I recommend you read is Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Hold on to Your Kids! He addresses the need for parents to consistently attach to their children, regardless of their age.

With respect to your interactions always being negative try the 80/20 rule. Interactions should be positive 80% of the time. The other 20% is reserved for corrective instruction. So the next time you have the urge to say something negative, turn it into something constructive or positive.

Raise your hand if you never yell!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Part 1 of a two-part poll I conduct with my audiences: “Raise your hand if you were reared by a mother who never yelled, yet you consistently obeyed her. To clarify, your mother may have raised her voice emphatically on occasion, but never broke the sound barrier with it.”

In a recent audience of slightly more than 500 people in Albuquerque, I estimated that some 150 hands went up. My “average” audience member is 30-something. He/she was probably born in the mid-’60s, as the transition from values-based to self-esteem-based parenting was taking place. My impression is that most of those upraised hands belong, however, to the older people in the crowd, those reared – in all likelihood – by parents who were guided by tradition rather than the “book.”

Part 2: “Now, raise your hand if you are a woman with children still living at home and you can honestly say your children obey you as well as you obeyed your mother, and you have never yelled.”

Immediately, there is general laughter, as if the very idea of a calm, in control mother is absurd. It’s rare, of course, for even one hand to go up. The contrast proves that the periodic emotional meltdowns which are all-too-typical of today’s mothers have nothing to do with motherhood per se. Rather, these guilt-inducing meltdowns are a sign of the times. Why are today’s moms, compared with yesterday’s, much more likely to yell at their children? In answer, I propose:

First, yesterday’s typical mom wasn’t trying to be all things her children. She expected them to be independent, to stay out from “underfoot,” to fight their own battles, to lie in the beds they made, to stew in their own juices, etc. Today’s typical mom, by contrast, has entered into a co-dependent relationship with her children. She fights her children’s battles, lies in the beds they make, and stews in their juices. This alone puts her under considerably more stress than, in all likelihood, her mother ever experienced in the context of rearing children.

Second, yesterday’s typical mom wasn’t trying to be a friend to her kids. She didn’t much care, if she cared at all, what they thought about her decisions. Today’s typical mom is trying to have a “wonderful relationship” with her children. She wants to be liked, if not to be their very best friend. Ergo, she worries about what they think of her. Ergo, she is afraid to make them upset. Ergo, she minces her words and flinches when it comes to consequences. Ergo, she has more discipline problems with her children than her mother even thought possible. Ergo, she is more frustrated. Ergo, she yells.

Third, today’s mom believes the most committed mom is the most frenetic mom. She races her children from one after-school activity to another, arranges their social calendar, helps with their homework, and so on, ad infinitum. She has virtually no life of her own outside of her preoccupation with the never-ending (in her own mind) chores of child rearing. If she works outside the home, she’s attempting to perform these child-rearing “necessities” in one-fourth the time she would otherwise have available to perform them. (Not that they should be performed under any circumstances, mind you.) As will be the case whenever someone over-focuses on any one thing/task, today’s mom tends to be tense rather than relaxed. A stress attack is never more than a hitch away.

No, yelling and being a mother do not go hand in hand. Yelling at one’s children is the predictable consequence of trying to conform to a nouveau standard of “good mothering” that is, was, and will forever be bogus and self-defeating. The problem is not one of gender, but of choices. The good news, then, is that any time she so chooses, a mother who yells can transform herself into a mother who does not yell. All it takes is letting go.

What Defines a Defining Moment?

What Defines a Defining Moment? (Believe it or not, Our Kids Really are Listening to Us)

I have a theory about the three little ones (ages 10, 9 and 5) that I am raising. As a parent, I remind myself that I can build them up or tear them down when I don’t even know it.

When I was about 10, I was given the responsibility of cooking dinner for my family while mom would head out to the factory for the 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. I learned to make things like pork chops and casseroles. I found ways to put things in the oven and then go next door and play. Most of the time I made it back before anything burned.

My cooking training came whenever a meal was being made. I would assist my mom or dad, since both of them were talented in the kitchen.

One time I was given the task of peeling some potatoes for the Sunday dinner. For some reason, we never used the classic potato peeler on potatoes. We only used it for carrots! Instead we used a small, sharp paring knife similar to the one that my Grandma Isabel used in her farmhouse. I have very vivid memories of creamy yellow potatoes piling into the dented aluminum pot, their jackets left in heaps on newspapers that made cleanup quick and easy.

On this Sunday, I wanted to show my mom that I was speedy and helpful so I peeled those potatoes as fast as I could while standing at the stainless steel sink set into the rust orange counter tops. Imagine my surprise when instead of praise, I got a stern, “you have wasted more potato than we have left to boil. You need to work on removing the peeling and leaving the potato. “

Today, whenever I peel a potato, I think of those words. Silly words, really.

Now who would think that comment would stick with me? Who would think that a comment about peelings would pop into my head every time I prepare potatoes for the next 28 years?

We never know when the words that we say will become the defining moments in our children’s memories. When I’m on the verge of ranting about some mistake my children make, I remember the potato peelings in the sink with all the white starchy flesh attached to my mom’s disappointment.

As a parent I never know what will make a dent in my children’s memories or how they will hear my words and for no reason at all, some of them will echo in their little heads later in their lifetimes. And the echo will tell them lessons that I didn’t mean to teach them that day.

I hope they hear the spirit builders, and only listen to the best of me. And just to be safe, when my kids are helping me with dinner, I encourage them to reach for the potato peeler instead of the paring knife every time.

by: EP Parent Blogger Annita Woz
Annita Woz grew up in a large imperfect family in the Midwest. “As adults we have the power to build children up or tear them down,” she says about the challenges of being a responsible parent, “and we never know when what we say is going to be a defining moment in a child’s life.” Woz is a writer and child-grower living in Wisconsin with her husband and their three inspirational children. She is always learning.

‘What Defines a Defining Moment’ reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com.

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