Preventing Sexual Abuse

Last week I was privileged to attend a lecture on the subject of preventing sexual abuse among children by Dr. D. Pelcovitz, professor of education and psychology at Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education in New York.

There is a theory among overprotective parents that the ideal way of ensuring our children’s safety is to watch them vigilantly at every moment. However, not only is it impossible to constantly keep our children in our site, it is educationally an incorrect method of raising children. Teens and school-age children require a certain amount of privacy and freedom in order to properly mature and learn responsibility.

Many parents are afraid of talking to children about issues of abuse, marriage, and the facts of life. However, just like giving a child a bitter-tasting yet necessary medication, parents must not abdicate their responsibility and avoid discussions which may be uncomfortable. Done correctly, speaking to children about intimate topics will create a warm and loving bond.

We all talk to our children about safety with regard to crossing the street. No parent is remiss in talking to their children about food, water, and fire safety. Discussions about personal safety ought to be approached with the same vibe. Just as you look both ways prior to crossing the street and never go swimming without a lifeguard, so too, you must know that nobody has permission to touch your private parts.

Teach wariness without fear: Just as a child is not anxious about looking left and right before crossing the street, there is no need to inject undue tension into the discussion.

It must be stressed that molesters are often people very close to the child, and it is worthwhile adding that “Nobody has permission to touch the areas covered by your bathing suit” include aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, and trusted babysitters. Only a doctor, under the auspices of a parent, can touch private areas.

Give examples of types of touches, and allow your child to elaborate about how those touches make him feel: Chills, hugs, massages, and holding hands.

Role playing is a valuable tool to aid children in the ability to say “No”.

The majority of child molesters are ‘shopping around’ for vulnerable victims and a firm “NO” will generally cause the perpetuator to search elsewhere for another child.

Role-playing and discussions need not be limited to discussions of a child’s private parts, as most abusers do not begin by touching a child’s genitals.

“Tommy, what would you do if Uncle Al tickles you too much and you want him to stop?” – would be a simple opening to begin this discussion.

A child must be secure in the knowledge that his body belongs to him alone, and he has the right to say “no” to any kind of touch that makes him feel uncomfortable, whether it is an aunt’s over-exuberant kisses, an uncle’s incessant tickles, or a neighbor’s suffocating hugs.

“STOP! I don’t like that” is the response that children must know they are always allowed to proclaim.

If the perpetrator of the unwanted touch does not stop, the child should be taught to continue screaming until help arrives. This golden nugget has saved many children from abuse- generally because they had parents that took the time to teach them this concept.

Very often abuse occurs in familiar territory: an unused classroom, the laundry room in the basement, or a deserted area of a playground. Screaming for help will hopefully alert someone within a short period of time.

The concept that ‘my body belongs to me’ is likely to be a novel one for preschoolers who view adults (and ten-year-olds!) as the rulers of their universe. “Might makes right” is what youngsters generally think, and if a grown-up is doing something, then it must be correct.

In summary, catch a teachable moment where you can talk to your children, and thus dramatically increase their chances of not becoming a victim. Speaking about hypothetical situations builds up children’s muscles in order for them to stand up for themselves..

Here are just a few conversation starters:

“What would you do if the babysitter told you that her boyfriend is coming over, but it is a secret and you can’t tell Mom and Dad?”

“Let’s say a teacher gives you a hug that feels yucky, what would you do?”

“What if someone tells you a secret and says that he would hurt you if you tell anyone about it? Would you tell Mom or Dad?”

Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!

Yell at your kids in the afternoon, but…

… NOT in the mornings!

This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.

Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!

Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!

This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)

Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)

For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.

Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!

1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.

2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)

3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.

4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.

Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY

Progress, not Perfection

Progress, not Perfection

Yesterday I noticed a bumper sticker in my dentist’s parking lot which read, “Progress, not perfection.”

Hundreds of examples of how to apply that motto to childrearing rushed through my head as I made my way past that shiny sedan.

Although most of those ideas flew right out of my brain by the time I got to the keyboard, I’m happy to be able to share what I can recall;)

Have you ever heard that if Christopher Columbus had invested one cent into a fund that yielded compound interest in 1492, that account would now be worth over $95 billion?

The moral, in this case, is obviously that ‘baby steps’ work.

Just because you can’t change the world (or yourself, or your spouse, or your child) does not mean that you ought not make the incremental changes that can accomplish a tremendous amount.

Let’s take a simple example of a positive family change:

“I will stop raising my voice in my communication with my children.”

What a wonderful, commendable resolution that is.

Realistically, it may last for two days, two weeks, or perhaps two months if we are particularly soft-tempered!

The general pattern of events is that certain levels of frustration result in shouting, which, in turn, will result in giving up on the above-mentioned resolution.

A roughly translated quote from an ancient sage reads, “He who grabs all is left with none.”

How aptly that describes our typical involvement in effecting positive changes.

As humans, we tend to reach for the stars. Thus, our failure to achieve those fantastic expectations results in discouragement.

Let’s try a new strategy, a strategy of progress.

How differently would the atmosphere my household radiate if I cut down on the number of times I raise my voice- without altogether pledging to eliminate any and all shouting?

Like Columbus’s proverbial penny, little changes add up to great transformations.

A small, positive shift in our behavior is likely to create a pleasant ripple of change through our family life.

Find two or three minutes of solitude, and ask yourself this: What can I do to make my child’s life a better one?

Additional quality time, more patience during mealtime, taking up a joint hobby, reading a book together- are just a few of the ideas that suddenly come to mind.

Figure out the concept that will work best for you and your child, and commit yourself to create progress- not perfection!

Happy parenting- the job where perfection is always elusive!

Here’s a terrific and thought-provoking book:

Parenting From the Inside Out “This is not just a book for those committed to being the best possible parents they can be.  Parenting From the Inside Out is for anyone committed to a continued and deeper understanding of the human phsyche.”  – Michele Pheiffer, mother and actress

Pursuit of Comfort

One of the greatest fallacies of our time is the mistaken social rule that “happiness means being comfortable”.

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

You Can’t Teach It If You Don’t Know It!

If you were asked to deliver a lecture about marine biology in thirty minutes, would you be able to give a terrific speech?

Probably not. And neither would I.

How about if the subject was antique marble collecting? Or ancient Chinese weaving techniques?

The point is:

We cannot teach that which we do not know.

It seems so obvious, yet we may often overlook this concept while raising our children.

Do any of the following sound familiar?

“Do your schoolwork before you play!” or, “Clean up your room!” or, “You forgot your homework again?!? You’re lucky your head is attached or you’d forget that!”

Let’s look a bit more closely at this specific characteristic of responsibility, and see if we can instill it in our children more effectively.

Just as we cannot teach your child about a foreign subject that we know nothing about, similarly, it is impossible to teach our children to be responsible without modeling that very trait.

Ask yourself about your habits: Do you accomplish the necessary domestic duties prior to relaxing, or do you find yourself on the couch at a time when you ought to be heating up dinner? Do you regularly pay your bills in a timely manner, or do you procrastinate and get whacked with late fees? Do you wake in the morning with time to spare, in order to facilitate a calm morning, or do you hit ‘snooze’ until the last possible moment and then rush around like crazy?

Many habits can be changed with just 5-7 days of consecutive willpower; and after that initial week the new routine won’t even seem hard anymore!

As a result of our ability to overcome a specific lack of efficiency, we will be in a stronger position to help our children grow in their level of responsibility.

Can you find an area where personal change will undoubtedly aid your child’s development? Post your thoughts below!

Let’s keep remembering: We can only teach that which we know!

Check out the Power of Positive Parenting by Dr. Glenn I Latham

Mom Song

Go ahead… you deserve a laugh!

“Who wants to be an emotional millionaire?”

Happy. Sad.

Most youngsters can recognize these feelings from a very early age.

However, what about the myriad of other feelings that pop up within our hearts?

Anger. Loneliness. Excitement. Jealousy. Worry. Disappointment. Anticipation

The ability to express and recognize our emotions has a tremendous impact on our lives.

Our ability to communicate with others is vastly improved; which, in turn, will boost our social and professional life.

Recognition of our feelings helps us cope with the inevitable bumps in the road we call ‘life’.

One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.

Emotional vocabulary is the first step:

- Matching facial expressions with emotions beyond the standard ‘sad’ and ‘happy’. Example: Now Mom looks angry; Dad looks surprised. The ability to identify and name the emotion gives the chld ownership of the feeling, which will help her cope with it when the time comes.

Identifying emotional expressions is the second step:

- In addition to facial expressions, body language can communicate a feeling. Actions and words also convey emotions. When a child can connect a specific emotion to specific gestures or actions, he can better understand what other people are feeling. Example: When Mom is pacing with the phone, she is busy; if Dad is raising his voice, he is feeling angry.

Understanding the causes and effects of emotions is the third step:

- As parents, we often strive to teach our children natural causes. If you forget your homework at home, the teacher will be disappointed. If you place your glass at the edge of the table, it is likely to spill. Similarly, there are emotional rules: Jealousy always has a source; disappointment can be traced to a specific cause. Example: Because I wasn’t careful with the appliance, it broke and I am upset. Or, as a result of my persistence in a certain endeavor, I have accomplished a lot and feel proud of myself.

Helpful hints:

Make it a habit to identify emotions by name:

“Oh, my, you must be livid that Mom went shopping without you!”

“You seem to be feeling satisfied.”

“You can’t decide which one to choose? Sometimes I also feel undecided.”

“I was so worried when the carpool did not bring you home. Were you worried while you were waiting for such a long time?”

Keep in mind:

Our job as parents is not to ensure our children’s happiness.

Rather, our role is to provide our children with the tools that they need to deal life’s ups and downs.

By teaching our children the language of emotions, and sharpening their awareness of feelings, we will help them cope with whatever curve balls life may throw, and better relate to those around them.

Protecting Our Children

Protecting our children
By Wade Meszaros,  Mental Health Child & Youth Therapist

I have been involved in counselling families and children for the past 15 years.

One of the most devastating experiences a person can go through is an abusive experience. I have found over the years the most horrendous damage is done when a child experiences physical abuse, emotional/spiritual abuse, molestation or sexual abuse.

While on holidays a number of years ago, visiting my wife’s family I came home after a game of golf and noticed that my child was withdrawn, clearly unhappy and very quiet. Certainly not like his inquisitive, bubbly personality that we have come to love or appreciate. Upon questioning my mother in-law, it was apparent that something had happened, but she was resistant in talking about it. I continued to probe and finally got the story. My son and the neighbor boy (who was a year older) were playing outside and my mother in law noticed while looking out the window that my son’s pants seemed to be pulled down to his knees, but did not say anything. She did not want to cause any problems. It was causally mentioned to my wife sometime later. Immediately my wife went outside and called our son into the house. He would not say anything to her and became very quiet.  When I got home and found all of this out, I took my son to a quiet corner of the house and began by affirming my love for him, clearly stating that he was not in any trouble, but that I needed to know what had happened so I could help. He was 6 years old at the time.

In between sobs he slowly told me that the boy next door had asked him to play a game with him and so my son complied and they played hide and seek. Then my son said lets play soccer so they kicked a ball around. The next door neighbor boy said ok, my turn, lets go behind the garage and play another game. My son complied and once there,  the boy took down his pants and asked my son to take his pants down which he did. The boy had asked my son to play with his genitals and he would play with his at that point my son said no, and pulled his pants up. The other boy did the same and then went home. I affirmed my son telling him that he did the right thing by refusing to do what the boy had asked. It opened up a big discussion on right behavior and wrong behavior, what to do if someone asked him to do something like that again. I told him he was very brave in telling me and I hugged him and told him how much I loved him and that he was not in any trouble at all and that I was very proud of him.

The next thing I did was to set up a meeting with the parents next door and my wife and I sat down with them and in a non-judgmental way explained to them what had happened. After asking a number of questions about their son, it was revealed that he had been discovered a few years ago with a baby sitter who was doing inappropriate things with him under a blanket. Nothing was ever done or followed up with that. I strongly encouraged them over the next three days while we were still visiting to set up an appointment. with a counselor I recommended, to not allow their boy to be unsupervised with other children (they had a child care center out of the home) and to have the counselor call me before we had to leave. Otherwise I would have to report what had happened to Social Services. The family complied and the boy did get help and the abuse stopped.

It is very important to talk with your children even at the age of 4 about their private space, explaining that no other people are allowed to touch them in certain places even if being asked nicely by friends, family or others. It is important to explain to them what parents can do ( in terms of bathing and hygiene)  and that it is not right for other children to touch. It is important to talk to them about what to do if something like that happened. What to do if someone tried to do something with them when they did not want to.

When the boys got old enough to access the internet, I made it very clear to what they needed to avoid and closely monitored them, reinforcing the attitude of how dangerous the internet can be. I allowed them more responsibility as they got older on accessing information as they showed in their behavior that they were responsible.

There are also internet blocking you can set up on your computer which does help to remove any temptations or dares from friends on instant message programs.

In terms of recovery; Getting counseling sooner then later is the best option. The earlier the intervention the better the success. Patience is the key here, it is a difficult thing for someone to “disclose” and the more gentleness, kindness and love you offer the easier it is for them to open up. Shame and guilt do a lot in diminishing communication. Again, be patient, affirming how wonderful they are, how safe and how loved they are.

I have included some internet sites that would be beneficial to visit

http://www.angelfire.com/ga3/protectourkidz/

http://www.ojjdp.ncjrs.gov/jjjournal/jjjournal598/net.html

http://www.care2.com/c2c/group/compassionateservice

http://www.cyberangels.org/

http://www.protectkids.com/

http://www.ispa.org.uk/complaints/page_154.html

 

 

 

 

 

Reclaiming the Lost Art of Listening

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My good friend Sarah recently repeated this conversation to us, and we laughed until we could laugh no longer.

“Hi, how are you?” the next-door-neighbor asked Sarah.

“I’m dying, thank you,” Sarah replied in an even tone of voice.

“Great!” the neighbor responded heartily. “Do you want to come with me to the one-day-sale downtown?”

It’s a sad fact of modern living. I call it the lost art of listening. We have more ability to communicate than prior generations could have ever imagined. Yet we have less communication than ever.

I remember seeing my grandfather marvel at the awesome power of the fax machine about two decades ago. “He puts the paper inside of it in California, and it comes out here in New York!?” He exclaimed incredulously. Can you imagine what he would have thought of my cell phone with caller-ID, instant messaging, and pod casting?

The vast array of technological means of contacting others, regardless of their location, is absolutely incredible. One would imagine that relationships are strengthened, and more close friends are gained. However, the alarming statistics of divorce, low self-esteem, and loneliness tell another story. How is it possible, that in the twenty-first century, the art of communication is at an all-time low?

Perhaps the many facets that are available to us impede our level of focus. After all, how easy is it to have a conversation with your spouse while simultaneously answering the phone and responding to an instant message? In addition, the doorbell is ringing, incoming emails are beeping, and the TV is broadcasting!

Simply reading those sentences is sufficient to send my head spinning!

When the opportune time presents itself for a conversation, what are you doing? Do you have a habit of impatiently waiting for your child to finish his thoughts, so that you can add your words of wisdom? Perhaps you are looking at your watch in anticipation of the next appointment, catching up on your emails, and checking the list of missed calls on your cell phone.

The only constant within the field of communication is that it always takes two to tango. People will respond to the tone of your voice and the pace of your conversation by matching your manner of speech. Have you ever spoken with someone who has laryngitis, and noticed that you are whispering? We respond in kind to the way in which we are spoken.

As a result, when you change your method of communicating, the people with whom you relate will start to change their method of communication. Imagine if you became a better listener today, and several months down the road you influenced ten people to improve their listening techniques, who then proceeded to influence an additional ten people each…

(Once again, my head is spinning!)

We can resurrect the lost art of listening, and change the face of global communication today. Begin by listening with all your senses to your partner’s and children’s words. Imagine the scene he is describing and picture yourself in the situation he is outlining. Take the energy to put yourself in his shoes, and feel the emotions that he is expressing.

Then, take a moment to pause and reflect.

Are the words that jumped into your mind the response he would appreciate hearing, or the habitual response that you would appreciate saying?

If a personal thought such as, “I must pick up the suit at the cleaners before 7:00.” keeps popping to forefront of your mind, take a pen and write it down. This technique is known as ‘brain-dumping’ and that will free your mind to concentrate on the subject at hand with total focus.

Rest assured, that after practicing the above techniques several times, they become second nature. Choose a time, perhaps the time your spouse returns home from work, to practice daily, and tape the above paragraphs to your bathroom mirror. Your rewards will be richly deserved and soon in arriving: The next time you have a subject of importance to talk about, you will be conversing with an empathetic, understanding, and listening ear.

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I Want To Scream!

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I get so mad at my kids! Yesterday, we were getting ready for a family reunion that our family will be hosting next week. My thirteen-year-old daughter suggested that we create place cards and matching centerpieces for the party. Although this will be an informal affair held in our backyard and I felt the cards to be unnecessary, I could see that this was important to her, so I told her that this was a fantastic idea and drove her to the craft store to purchase supplies.

Then my sixteen-year-old son informed her that the decorations and place cards were a “dumb idea”. It infuriates me when he teases his sister, and I calmly told him that if he has nothing nice to say he should not say anything at all.

Naturally, my daughter was insulted; and she then proceeded to throw all the colored papers, pipe-cleaners, ribbons, and the rest of the craft supplies around the living room and stomp upstairs in a huff.

Then I lost it… after all, I had just been defending my daughter and she made my living room’s atmosphere into a physical and emotional mess! I started screaming at both of my children, which quickly escalated into a major shouting match.

My daughter said that she hates her family and will not attend the party. My son complained that nobody cares about him or ever asks for his opinion about how things should be.

This is when my husband entered the house, and he looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and anger and asked me what on earth was going on.

I just want to scream! And this is not a lone incident in my family… what should I do? Please help!

From,

Ready-to-Scream

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ready to Scream,

First of all, please prepare a cup of your favorite coffee or tea, turn on a CD of soothing music, and make yourself comfortable on the couch.

Now, let’s backtrack a bit, and see what precisely went wrong.

The fist problem was that your son made an offensive comment to your daughter.

You sympathized with your daughter and thus reprehended your son, which, in retrospect, did not fix anything. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that criticizing the insulter does not ease anyone’s pain.

What could have been done differently?

Your children are mature enough to handle their own communications without your intervention. If you hadn’t gotten involved, your daughter may have told her brother to mind his own business and that perhaps that would have been the end of it.

If your daughter had good communication skills, she could have told him that she did appreciation being spoken to in that manner.

If she had advanced communication skills, she could have sandwiched her critique between two positive comments, such as; “Thank you for sharing your opinion. I’d like it if you’d speak to me in a nicer manner, but I want to know why you think the decorations are a stupid idea.”

Where would your daughter have learned such excellent communication skills? From you! If you had intervened in their youth using the sandwich method of good news, bad news, good news, then they would have grown up knowing how to do it.

Assuming that you did not model a helpful method of rebuke, don’t worry, it’s never too late.

In place of a helpful criticism, however, you gave a hurtful retort to your son. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that we handle criticism with criticism. Thus, it is not a surprise that your daughter reacted by escalating the anger and resentment. Obviously, that is not a lesson you want to consciously impart to your children.

Let’s examine some ways to express negative emotions in a healthy and safe way.

Your children are going to learn how to communicate effectively by being taught by your words and actions. When you model how to handle disappointment and anger in a calm and healthy manner, your children will learn these essential life skills.

Although your husband entered the scene at the end of the situation, he appears to be contributing to the negative style of communication by reacting with anger rather than offering support and empathy.

When you are able to handle disrespect with respect, and insults with calmness, your children will be influenced to communicate in an effective and positive manner.

What would have been a good reaction to your son’s nasty “that’s a stupid idea?”

In a calm and collected ton, you could have responded, “Oh, is there something that is bothering you about your sister’s party decorations?” By demonstrating interest in his point of view, you have the upper hand to then offer constructive criticism such as, “What would be a more effective way to tell your sister how you feel about the place cards?”

If you are ever unsure how to respond in the heat of the moment, simply think about the sandwich method- you can’t go too wrong using it! Good comment, bad comment, and another good comment.

Good luck! (We all need it!)

Put Yourself in His Shoes!

A wise educator once compared a child’s distress over a lost toy to the anguish that an entrepreneur feels regarding a failed investment.

He specified that taking away a block of wood that a child is floating in the bathtub as a pretend boat is akin to a merchant’s ship sinking at sea.

The businessman’s inventory and sea vessel are doubtless worth millions of times more than the splintered piece of wood that your son calls a boat; yet their loss is extremely painful respective to their owners.

Imagine that you received a brand new Lexus as an inheritance this morning, and during lunchtime your neighbor asks if she can borrow your new car for an out-of-town trip.

What would your reaction be?

How would you feel if you were directed to share the shiny Lexus with a voice from above that said, “Please share your new stuff with your neighbor!”

Now, are you happy to share the car, or do you feel resentful to be giving up control of your new vehicle so soon?

Here’s a more realistic slice of life: Imagine that your eight-year-old daughter, Katie, was just the recipient of a new ten-speed bicycle, and your seven-year-old son, Dan, asks her to borrow it for a ride around the block.

The very same emotions that ran through your veins as a result of your neighbor’s request to borrow the new Lexus are now coursing through Katie’s heart.

We’ll address the issue of sharing in a future article; the point here is to empathize and understand your child’s point of view and reactions, by comparing your own personal life experiences.

Did you have any friends that were unlucky tech-stock investors during the dot-com crash of 1999? When the market plummeted, did you say to your friend whose multi-million dollar portfolio was nearly worthless, “Oh, don’t worry about it, the market will climb back up, would you snap out of the dumps already!”

The anguish of a failed adult investor is comparable to a child’s lost pencil-case or stuffed animal.

To your daughter, that teddy bear had the same meaning that stock portfolio had to your friend.

Little things, tiny incidents, and petty issues- they only seem inconsequential to us. For children, the small matters are truly “big stuff”.

With this understanding in mind, we can develop a stronger connection to our children, by empathizing with genuine consideration that their little world isn’t so little after all!

Children are acutely sensitive to their parents’ feelings, and will intuitively know when you are truly sympathetic to their concern. By taking a step back, and comparing the small events in your child’s life with the grand events in your adult life, you can further build a secure and loving relationship together.

Modeling as a Way of Life

“Do as I say and not as I do.”

That hypocritical concept is unquestionably one of the most ineffective methods of education.

Children see, and children do.

Children instinctively model the behavior of those around them, thereby developing physical, emotional, and mental skills.

On occasion, it can be difficult to have faith in the long-range effectiveness of setting a good example. Oftentimes, it is far more tempting to lecture (perhaps with a shout or a couple of bangs for added emphasis!) in order to obtain the desired behavior.

While instruction and lectures do have their place, our children are far more likely to internalize and follow through with the conduct that has been modeled by those close to them than that which has been taught through philosophical speeches.

Here are a few bites of food for thought:

1) I’d like my child to speak politely.

Hint: Does my child overhear a courteous and pleasant tone of voice when listening to my conversations- even if (or, especially if!) I’m speaking to someone else?

Don’t: Say, “Susie speak nicely to Taylor.” and then turn to your spouse and exclaim, “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!!!???”

2) I’d like my child to possess a wholesome sense of truth and integrity.

Hint: Watch out for little white lies in everyday dialogue.

Don’t: When your daughter informs you that your mother-in-law is on the phone, do not fib, “Oh, tell her I went out for the evening.” Instead, deal with the situation with the integrity you wish to convey and say, “Please tell her I’m not available for the phone right now.”

3) I’d like my child to value family relationships.

Hint: Be aware of the messages you are sending through your preferences and values. Even though there may be some family members that invariably rub you the wrong way, try your best to maintain an upbeat and positive attitude towards family gatherings.

Don’t: Say; “Oh, I wish I could just stay home and watch the game, but Grandma would be so mad if we’d miss Uncle Bob’s wedding.” Your child is much more likely to have strong family ties if you express enjoyment regarding family get-togethers, rather than annoyance or impatience.

4) I want my child to use words, rather than fists, to deal with frustrating situations.

Hint: Be aware of the manner in which you react to challenges!

Don’t: Bang and curse the fax machine when a paper jam occurs; take a few deep breaths, count to ten (or a thousand- if necessary!) and reach into your heart for the superhuman strength to will yourself into staying calm!

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Every interaction, each new situation, is an opportunity to quietly and effectively model desirable behavior towards our youth.

This trickle-down manner of parenting, like water dripping on a stone, will, over time, leave a lasting and permanent impression on our children.

P.S. Terrific reads to further enhance your repertoire of parenting skills that I highly recommend!

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