“I’m Losing It!”

Question:

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a single mom raising two girls, ages 10 and 7. Being a supportive and nurturing parent is the most important thing to me, and generally, I feel like I’m a pretty good parent. But sometimes, things escalate, they talk back to me, and it reaches a point where I find myself yelling and saying things I really regret later. It’s as if I totally lost control of myself and can’t stop?

Signed, Losing It in New Jersey!

RaisingSmallSouls is proud to present today’s answer by Margo Sasson as a Mother’s Day gift for you and your family!

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer:

Dear Losing It,

There are many ways to answer the question you have posed. Although it may be helpful to analyze what is contributing to your daughter’s frustration, and hence, the escalation between the two of you, I’d like to shelve that issue for now. Rather, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to take a closer look at what is happening inside of you, the parent, that may be contributing to the escalation. By stepping into your internal world, discovering the “wiring” behind the scenes of your own behavior, you can achieve greater self-understanding and enhance your parenting beyond words.

Parenthood is one of the most intense of all human relationships. It is a journey where we can come to discover and develop some of our most positive qualities: our patience, our nurturing, and our ability to identify our children’s strengths and help them see them too. But along the way, we come to meet other, less pleasant, aspects of ourselves. We are faced with the undeniable reality, day after day, that we are appallingly shorter of perfection than we may have thought.

When you describe “losing control” and being “unable to stop”, it is a clue for us that a shift in your general manner has taken place. Your usual rational, calm, “what is the most helpful thing to do here” approach has been abruptly switched off and been usurped by its not-as-likeable, emotion-dominated counterpart. When this happens, your rational self, that part of you that has the ability to delay gratification and coherently plan the next logical step, is basically immobilized. The system that takes over is a system manned by raw, unprocessed emotion (e.g. rage, fury, fear) that is very difficult to contain due to the collapse of logic.

The last decades have seen an explosion in the amount and quality of research generated on the role of the brain in emotional regulation.. What you describe of yourself is something most parents will identify with. Many parents describe occasions where they “see red”, “lose control”, or are “consumed by fury”. They describe being so taken over by this emotional storm that they feel unable to stop themselves. Taken to its extreme, abusive parents describe this state, during which they unleash unbridled fury upon their children and feel unable to stop it. When this state has passed, they may be overcome by deep feelings of remorse and self-hatred. But even for healthy, well-regulated parents, the nature of this type of emotional state is not unfamiliar. And when a parent realizes that he has just spewed venomous criticism and character-slashing toward the child he dearly loves, he will feel deep shame and resolve never to do it again.

What causes the switch into these states, and what can we do to restore our self-control?

Neurologists have identified two primary modes of processing information: the higher mode, or “high road”, and the lower mode, or “low road”. High road processing involves the rational, “higher” form of processing information. It is the ability to objectively analyze information, while allowing us a flexibility and self-awareness throughout the process. Conversely, the low road of information processing represents a shift in gears, whereby the high road is shut down. The individual operates under raw and intense emotion, lack of awareness as to the impact of his actions on others, rigidity, and impulsivity. In purely structural forms, the high road involves the prefrontal cortex in its processing, which is the brain region responsible for rational thoughts, whereas the low road short-circuits that section of the brain and proceeds to process the information utilizing the limbic system only (home to emotional processing) and leaves out the prefrontal cortex.

Of course, the obvious question remains: What triggers the entry into the low road state? Why do we “lose it”, i.e. switch from prefrontal cortex involvement to disengagement?

Neuroscientists have examined the characteristics of the switch to low road processing, and have delineated the process. They have found that there is always a trigger, either internal or external, which serves to activate the shift from high road to low road. At this point, a transitionary process is begun whereby the brain makes its descent into low road processing. Once this happens, you are in a state of “immersion”, where the ability to self reflect and self control is partially or totally suspended. (For further understanding of the brain science involved and for a fascinating read, see “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegal, MD and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed, Penguin-Putnam, 2008)

The ramifications of this knowledge are enormous. If entry into the low road is precipitated by a trigger, perhaps we can identify our triggers and perhaps find an alternative way to respond to them?

In order to answer this, it is helpful to begin with an understanding of what typically constitutes a trigger into low road functioning.

Every parent was once a child herself. We all know that the complexities of how our parents raised us contribute, among myriad other factors, how we view ourselves. Even adults who were raised in a generally positive environment will recall themes or issues that may remain raw or unprocessed for them. These are the unresolved issues, the issues that remain potent with emotionality for us, that trigger our connection with our pain, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Some common themes that people experience as unresolved are dependence, loss, aggression, intimacy, and more.

When one of these issues is activated through interpersonal connections, we access, momentarily, those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Although these feelings can be activated by any interpersonal interaction, children, by virtue of their still-evolving social finesse, activate these feelings in their most primal, basic forms.

Children are still learning to negotiate the bigger issues of attachment and interpersonal skills- the basic building blocks of relationships. This, coupled with the fact that we are so connected to them and assume responsibility for them, contributes to our extreme emotional reactivity toward our children. They consistently serve to trigger some of our most potent unresolved issues in the most basic way.

Although this is a reality, we do not have to resign ourselves to continually reenacting these scenarios we later regret so deeply. We can actively make use of this knowledge to help ourselves.

It is now clear that the entry into the low road is activated by our child’s triggering this state. Something about his behavior, his way of engaging with us, touches upon our most vulnerable spots. Perhaps his needs of us (nurturance, dependence, support) are too much for us to handle? Perhaps he exhibits behavior (aggression, dependence) that brings up themes fraught with emotionality for us? Perhaps we become enraged or ashamed in the face of our own imperfections, impatience, or intolerance that we exhibit following our child’s demands? The result is a flooding of our consciousness with raw emotionality such as rage or fear. This feeling is so strong, such a tidal wave of emotion that we feel quickly stripped of our self control. And the result is subsequent low road behavior.

It seems clear that once on low road mode, it is exceedingly difficult to shift back to high road state. Usually, it is best to take a “time-out” and physically leave if needed, until you’ve sufficiently restored your ability to self-reflect, and wrest back your self-control. But once the mechanism of low road is clear, you can take some quiet time to reflect on the triggers that set you off. Some questions that might be enlightening:

When does my transition into low road tend to occur? (Place, time, specific child)

What are the behavioral triggers that tend to coax me into low road mode? Where do these triggers fit into the larger context of my childhood, upbringing, and self-concept?

Self-reflection is crucial in making sense of your transition into the low road. Although it may not enable you to completely avoid descending into the low road modality, it will enhance your understanding, and allow you t identify alternative coping patterns. (Go for a walk, take a drink, etc.) Ultimately, you may even find yourself able to talk your way around the low road: “I’m feeling myself getting heated up again. Uh-oh. Low road again. Why? Oh, Brian is whining again. He’s pushing the ‘nothing is ever good enough’ button. It’s my old ‘I have to please everyone’ issue. There goes my perfectionism. Ok, this is clearly my issue, not his. He is 8. I am 34. Yeah, but I’m still getting really mad. If I open my mouth, I’ll destroy him! Ok, I’d better get into the kitchen! Wash my face! Just don’t open my mouth! I’ll get through this: High road, here I come!”

Overcoming Shyness

Question: Is there anything you would recommend which would help our daughter, age 6, and overcome her shyness? Our main concern is that she finds it difficult to talk and interact with other children (other than her best friend) and make eye contact with others outside of the family.

We are trying to help prepare her for social events by talking through what is likely to happen and rehearse what she might say and do. Her teacher has suggested joining a drama group to build confidence. Can you suggest anything else?

Signed, What else can I do?

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Dear What Else,

I think what you are doing is great. Some kids can be very shy especially around unfamiliar people. I think rehearsing and preparing for social situations is a key way to lower your daughter’s anxiety, and help her feel more comfortable.

There are a few other ideas I would like you to consider. There are children who have a very hard time talking at school or social situations outside of the home. Some of these children stop talking altogether outside of the house. This is known as Selective Mutism. Interestingly enough, these same children can be very talkative with close friends and family. I am not suggesting that this is the case- however some of the recommended interventions may be helpful to you.

Other children are invited to the home, so the child can talk to them and spend time with them in a comfortable way. After this is done a number of times, the children usually feel more comfortable interacting with the same kids at school or other settings.

It is also helpful to have a parent or close family member with them at various social settings. (In cases of Selective Mutism the parent will accompany the child to school and talk with them there. This is repeated, and generally over a period of time the child will speak with other children and peers.) The trusted adult figure serves as a safety net in these situations.

Having her join the drama group is another great idea, as long as she wants to. I would not push her if she feels this is outside of her comfort zone. Certainly if there is a talent that she has, it can used as an expressive creative outlet.

The last idea I would like to present you with is a social skills group. Your daughter is at the perfect age to join one. She can make friends and acquire the skills and confidence to be more social in school and elsewhere.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Growing Up

Question: I have a son who is in 6th grade. Throughout all his elementary years, we were always so very close. If there was a function at school he wanted me to volunteer. If there was a class trip, he would hope that I would be the chaperone. If he didn’t have a friend over he would ask me to play video games with him and we would lie side by side on the floor together. So many times when I would tell him how big he was getting he would pat me on the back and say “don’t worry mom you’ll always be my best friend”.

Well independence has found him. There is such a change in attitude i.e. hang out together, no way; chaperon the upcoming field trip, I don’t think so. Disrespect has also found its way into our lives. Though after the second bout of my son calling me stupid he learned that I will not tolerate such behavior (I was bringing his friend over to stay the night, once he made the remark his friend was returned home. My son was not happy, but I stated you will not speak to me in such a manner).

His friends think I am a pretty cool mom, unfortunately my son no longer sees me in that fashion. The many parents that I have spoken to say this is just a phase and he will come back. If so, how much space do I allow him? Should I let him know that this hurts me?

Sincerely,

“Feeling Left Behind”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear “Feeling Left Behind”

I appreciate you openness and honesty regarding your feelings. Not everyone is able to do that, and I find it refreshing that you are so emotionally aware.

I have to say that I understand your hurt, but I am also glad that you recognize that this is an important part of his growing process. It’s wonderful that you are able to be firm and won’t tolerate disrespect. Too often parents in your shoes will let it slide in the hopes of remaining popular and cool in their kids and their friends eyes. It’s imperative that you remain the parent, and that your son understands that.

You do not mention a spouse or other children, so I don’t know whether you have any. Now would be a good time to invest in you, in your work, career, hobbies, or relationships. Your son is growing, evolving and developing. So should you.

When you ask how much space you should give him, I think the rule is as much as he requires as long as it’s safe and healthy activities and relationships that he is involved in.

I think it’s ok and even advisable to schedule some alone time with your son. Do something that he enjoys together. It’s alright to tell him that you want to do things together. It’s not ok to make him feel badly for growing up, and hanging out with his friends rather than his mom.

There is a parallel growth process for both of you. I congratulate you on recognizing and identifying your feelings, and I hope you take advantage of this opportunity.

Depressed Child

Could my grandson be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old?

Question: I’m raising my 10yr old grandson. I’ve had him since he is 6mos old, due to his mother having uncontrolled Bipolar Disorder. It is very hard for him living apart from his mother, with whom he has had a scattered relationship throughout the years. He sees a counselor, but I’m noticing significant changes lately. He has become more withdrawn, has little established friendships with peers, and is content to play video games online or with his DS. He complains almost constantly about having a stomach ache and has started to fall asleep in some of his classes at school. He says he misses his mother a lot more and sometimes states that he wants to live with her. Could he be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old?
Signed: Worried Grandma

Answer:

Today’s answers are provided by a new member of the RaisingSmallSouls team, welcome aboard, Odelia!

Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Worried Grandma,

First of all, I want to extend my respect to you for raising your grandson since he was an infant!! From the tone of your letter it sounds like you are very committed, and care a great deal.
In response to your question could he be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old? The answer to that question is an unequivocal yes. Let’s look at the variables here.

Your grandson’ mother has uncontrolled Bipolar. Genetically he is may be predisposed to bipolar disorder. That does not mean that he will definitely be depressed, but rather that there is an increased likelihood coupled with other stress factors.

Bipolar is a disorder where there are periods of depression, and periods of hyperactivity, or mania. This disorder used to be called Manic Depressive. It is also characterized by frequent mood swings. It is important to make an appropriate diagnosis. Even though Bipolar presents as depression at times, it is actually treated with completely different medication. Patients with Bipolar can become worse when treated with anti depressants.

He is ten years old which means that he is nearing or already engaged in an adolescent or preadolescent identity search. It is expected that he inquire after his mother, and want to understand her more. Until a child develops an independent sense of self and identity, they often view themselves as extensions of their parents. This is still true after emancipation, or establishing a separate sense of identity, that they still see themselves as being, or having a part of each parent. This is an age appropriate hurdle to cross.

The other symptoms that you describe are classic depression symptoms. You wrote that you have been “noticing significant changes lately. He has become more withdrawn, has little established friendships with peers, and is content to play video games online or with his DS. He complains almost constantly about having a stomach ache and has started to fall asleep in some of his classes at school.” Changes in eating or sleeping patterns disinterest in socializing, and physical manifestation of pain such as stomach aches are typical symptoms of depression.

Many children have depression or suffer from other disorders like Bipolar. It used to be believed that it was an adult disorder, but more and more childhood and adolescent diagnosis are made every year. I personally have treated a handful of children/ adolescence with this disorder.

It is imperative that you speak with your grandson’s pediatrician, and describe to him what you have observed. He may be able to make a referral to a child psychiatrist who can treat your grandson. I should warn you that Bipolar can sometimes present not only like depression, but also has some similarities to borderline personality disorder. These sorts of diagnosis require cancelling out the other disorders, and it is a process that requires patience.

The good news is that when these disorders are caught early (like with your grandson), the prognosis is significantly better. The earlier it is treated, the more manageable it is.

If indeed your grandson does have disorder, it is important that you understand that it can be treated. Considering what your son and family have gone through with your grandsons mother it is understandable that this may raise considerable worry or resistance. It may help to talk about these concerns with a therapist or join a support group.

I wish you al, the best! Your son and grandson are lucky to have you!

Disconnected from 12-year-old-daughter

Question: For some reason, I feel like I have a chronic “dis-connect” from my eldest daughter, 12. I worry I’m failing her as a parent and really need help and advice. I know that we have a pattern of my asking her to do something, her not listening, then I get frustrated and bark orders at her until she does what she needs to do. The positive to negative ratio for our interactions are more on the negative end and I desperately want to change how I relate to her. I want to do better and help my daughter and I have a better relationship in the end. Thank you.
Signed: Desperate for Change

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Desperate for Change”,

I am so happy to hear that you are recognizing the “disconnect” between you and your daughter now, when she is 12 and did not wait until she was in the throes of her teens and entrenched in peer relationships before wanting to do something about it. It would be so much harder to re-establish yourself as her main influence when she is only interested in her friendships with peers.

I strongly encourage you to start “courting” your daughter. Plan events where you will have a lot of one on one time with her. It will force the two of you to address your relationship and start building on it. Go out for walks or take weekly drives in the country. Take an interest in something that you can do together on a frequent basis—gardening, take a painting or pottery class. Read in bed at night together. Create an environment of proximity.

Take the time to listen to her and allow her to be known by you. She may resist at first but present it in a way that she has no choice expect for maybe choosing the activity. A fabulous book I recommend you read is Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Hold on to Your Kids! He addresses the need for parents to consistently attach to their children, regardless of their age.

With respect to your interactions always being negative try the 80/20 rule. Interactions should be positive 80% of the time. The other 20% is reserved for corrective instruction. So the next time you have the urge to say something negative, turn it into something constructive or positive.

Children and Volunteerism: Making the World a Better Place

Do you ever feel that the hectic holiday rushing takes the meaning and spirit out of these special times?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful ideas to incorporate principles and morals into the holiday season:

When President John F. Kennedy, in 1961, said “ask not what this country can do for you, but what you can do for this country,” he was reminding us that self-sacrifice and community service are the cornerstones of a viable democracy; that, in fact, they are values without which a democratic society cannot long endure.

Volunteerism – the general willingness to go beyond the parochial call of self-interest – as a state of action as well as of mind was integral to the spirit of the American Revolution. America’s Founding Fathers understood that freedom was not simply a privilege, but a duty – that in order to remain free, a people must be willing to contribute freely toward the common good. Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and their visionary colleagues understood that volunteerism checks the insidious growth of government, a concern that was uppermost in their minds.

That community-centered spirit has permeated the fabric of American life for more than two hundred years. Today, recognized as the essence of good citizenship, volunteerism manifests itself in the activities of Eagle Scouting, Habitat for Humanity, Junior Leagues, Rotary Clubs, and numerous other civic-minded organizations across the nation. In 1989, President Bush made the call to community service national policy as part of his Points of Light Initiative. The president’s three-part strategy included the call to claim society’s ills as our own; to identify, enlarge, and multiply community-based volunteerism initiatives that are already working; and to discover and develop leaders who can continue invigorating those grassroots efforts.

Indeed, community service means much more than simply tossing a few bucks into a bucket or checking off a payroll deduction to your company’s favorite charity. It’s relatively easy to give money. What’s required is that we be willing to give of ourselves, to make sacrifice in terms of our energy and our time. It’s also necessary that we pass this value from generation to generation by teaching our children the relationship between volunteerism, good citizenship, and the continuing maintenance of democracy.

Volunteerism Begins At Home

Turning a child into a good citizen is the crux of the socialization process, which begins during toddlerhood. Courtesy of parents who understand the importance of setting and enforcing limits on behavior and appetites, a child none-too-quickly comes to accept that he isn’t the center of the universe.

Turning the tyrant of toddlerhood into a functional member of the community requires that the family serve as a microcosm of society. In effect, the family must require of the child what the community will eventually require of him – honesty, responsibility, respect for others, a willingness to share, industriousness, and so on. These social values must also be family values, and they must be as much a part of the child’s daily life as three square meals.

Parents can begin teaching the social value of volunteerism by assigning to a child as young as three a daily routine of household chores. First, the child learns to pick up after himself, take care of his own possessions, and keep his room orderly. As the child becomes more capable, the routine expands into common areas of the home. The child learns to vacuum, mop floors, wash dishes, and eventually, do his or her own laundry and assist in the preparation of meals. In the process, the child learns that being a member of a family involves not just sharing the family’s wealth, but its work as well. Paraphrasing President Kennedy, the child learns to ask “not what the family can do for him, but what he can do for the family.” And by the way, this lesson is less effectively learned – if it is ever learned at all – when parents pay for chores. Giving a child money for accepting a fair share of family responsibilities teaches him to ask not “what can I do to help?” but “what’s in it for me”?

Show and Tell

Parents can impress upon children the importance of community service with a simple civics lesson: Pointing out that without volunteer support, there would be no community sports programs, no scouting, no 4-H or Future Homemakers, no shelters for the homeless, no Sunday School classes, no neighborhood playground, no summer programs at the local “Y”; likewise, pointing out how essential volunteers are to neighborhood organizations, public and private schools, nursing homes, churches, hospitals, the care of the handicapped and chronically-ill. Is there a volunteer fire department in your community? How about a local Red Cross chapter? A children’s museum? Indeed, the list of volunteer-dependent organizations and activities within a community is almost endless. The fact is, volunteers form the backbone of our communities, making them better places for us all to live, to work, to play. Challenge your children to recognize volunteer efforts when they see them and likewise take note when they are lacking. Volunteering, especially at a young age, encourages compassion for others.

And when voluntary effort is lacking in some aspect of your community’s life, what’s to stop you from taking the initiative yourself? Seize the teachable moment and explore ways that you and your children can fill in “volunteerism gaps” that you have identified together.

See that unsightly trash along the neighborhood creek? Rather than grouse that “somebody ought to do something about that mess,” why not be that very somebody? Organize a neighborhood team to clean it up and include the kids. As they learn the importance of taking initiative and following a task through to completion, they’ll also be practicing what I call the “Three Rs of Good Citizenship”:

Respect, Responsibility, and Resourcefulness.

In these and similar ways, parents can teach that one person can make a difference in this world. As Eugene M. Land, founder and chairman of the I Have a Dream Foundation, has written: “Magnitude or complexities must not immobilize or depreciate the ability of any person to contribute meaningfully to solutions.” In other words, when you see a problem, go the extra mile and find the solution. In effect, be the solution.

In The Pudding, Find The Proof

Consider the families who have already made a commitment to community service. Last summer, a Gallup survey of over 1,000 American households found that in more than one-third of all households, and in nearly half of all middle-income households, volunteering is a big part of family life. Among families with adults in their middle years, some 35 percent of parents volunteer alongside their children. The numbers also tell us that once the pattern is established, family volunteering tends to become a tradition. Eighty percent of the volunteers interviewed had been serving with another family member for three years or more.

And while it’s true that volunteering is a way to solve problems while helping other people, that’s only the beginning. In the same Gallup poll, when participants were asked to describe the main benefit they receive from volunteering, more than half cited personal satisfaction.

In the forward to the excellent reference book Volunteerism, The Committee on Marshaling Human Resources says the volunteer not only improves the community, but himself as well. They cite “the contact it provides with other people – the companionship, the friendship, the fellowship of working with others on a common goal.” In short, parents who help their children learn the value of serving others are contributing immeasurably to their children’s lives – present and future.

A couple of friends of mine, themselves active in numerous volunteer initiatives, make community service a “family affair” as often as possible. As one example, every Christmas the whole family takes several underprivileged children shopping for clothes and toys. As they recently told me, “The benefits to the family, and especially the children, are inestimable. They already understand that the value of life is not measured in terms of what you have, but what you give. For example, although we could certainly afford to purchase for them most of the materialistic trophies their friends have acquired, our children ask for very little.”

Several years ago, other friends began requiring that each of their three pre-teen and teenage children become involved in a sustained volunteer effort of choice (scouting, Hospital Auxiliary, Junior Civitan) for every extracurricular activity or organization (team sport, cheerleading, social club) they joined. The children’s mother: “At this point, the kids are more energized by their community service than they are their soccer and such. Perhaps the most rewarding thing to their father and I is the comments other people make concerning their maturity.”

Where To Start

Here are some suggested starting points if you’re interested in getting your children involved in community service:
• Check out the volunteer opportunities available through your local hospital, nursing homes, and community mental health center.

• Look for a Volunteer Action Center whose purpose is to steer volunteers toward opportunities that are mutually beneficial and enjoyable. These local centers refer an estimated half million new volunteers each year who provide more than 100 million hours of service annually.

• Contact your local Red Cross, your state’s Governor’s Office on Volunteering, or one of the 3,000 plus United Way offices across the country.

• Call the Nationwide Hotline on Volunteer Opportunities (toll-free, 800-424-8867 ) for information about the national service network that encompasses VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America), the National Civilian Community Corps, and the AmeriCorps initiative which President Clinton referenced in his most recent State of the Union address.

• Check into Learn and Serve America, a federal program that seeks to involve children in community service as part of their school curriculum.

• Yet another noteworthy program, Super Volunteers!, directs the energies and enthusiasm of children toward improving the quality of life in their own communities while drawing support and sponsorship from business and industry, churches and synagogues. “We work within existing youth groups such as Boy and Girl Scouts, Campfire, Special Olympics, where there’s an already-existing leadership structure,” says president Harriet L. Kipps. To find out more about Super Volunteers! call (703)354-6270 .

Matching the child to the volunteer effort insures not only that the child will stick with it, but the greatest benefit for all concerned. Older youths, for example, could let career interests guide them: Aspiring doctors might serve in a hospital environment; future military leaders can join the Civil Air Patrol; environmentalists could lend their energies to a local nature conservancy. Guiding a younger child toward compatible community service requires that parents help the child answer the following questions:

• What are my interests? What do I really enjoy?
• What’s something I’ve always wanted to do?
• Would I prefer working with large or small groups? Indoors or out?
• What are three problems in my community or elsewhere that need solutions?

With the long stretch of vacation ahead, why not resist the urge to “veg and let veg” and instead dedicate a healthy portion of your family’s summer to some public-spirited volunteer effort? Believe me, once the ball is rolling, it will be impossible to stop!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

Kicking the Toy Addiction

Signs of the annual December gift-buying-frenzy are suddenly sprouting around me like mushrooms after a rainstorm, via catalogs, store displays, emails, and children’s discussions of what they want to receive this winter.

Do your children look forward to the thrill of a new toy or gadget, only to leave it on a shelf collecting dust with hundreds of other neglected games a few days later?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful tips for curbing the toy-store addiction, just in time to reflect on our shopping mindset prior to the holidays:

Forty years ago, the average American 5-year-old child was in possession of less than 10 store bought toys; today the number exceeds 100 and that doesn’t count the ones that lie buried in the city dump. An excess of toys dampens imagination, creativity and resourcefulness and leads to chronic complaints of boredom. At some point the child becomes addicted – not to the toys themselves, but to the hollow thrill of getting a new toy. In short order the child becomes convinced that play comes from a store rather than from the alchemy of his own imaginings.

When our children were 9 and 6, Willie and I directed each of them to choose 10 toys from the riot of toys that filled their rooms and spilled over into nearly every other room of the house. A relatively small set of something – as in 10 “Matchbox” cars – counted as one toy. The remainder were either tossed or given to a local church-sponsored children’s charity. Somewhat to our surprise, the children regarded this as an adventure of sorts. We never again darkened the door of a toy store, instead guiding the kids toward hobbies and other creative pursuits.

I recently received a similar success story from a reader in Jackson, Mississippi. She writes: “Back in 1991 when my husband and I started our family, we decided then not to over-indulge our children with toys. Grandparents, however, didn’t always comply, and the sheer number of children we had (five) left our closets overflowing. We solved that problem a few years ago by dividing all the toys into four piles labeled winter, spring, summer and fall. We bagged them up, and into the attic they went. We pull the appropriate bag down the first day of each December, March, June and September. The children love it! It’s as if Christmas comes to our house four times a year. When it’s time to repack them, each child donates a toy to charity. As a result, what was once a clutter is now quite manageable.”

Whenever I talk on this subject someone will ask what to do about the above-mentioned “Grandparent Problem.” A reader from Nashville proposes requesting that the grandparents keep all toys purchased for the grandchild at their house. She correctly points out that asking grandparents not to make toy purchases, or only one on the child’s birthday and one at Christmas or Hannukah, is likely to generate hard feelings, interfering as it might with the grandparents’ need to dote. That’s a good idea, but one that’s more likely to work if the grandparents live nearby. If they don’t, then regular care packages are a means of reminding the grandchildren of their love, and that’s certainly unimpeachable. But instead of toys, I suggest books. Or the grandparents could introduce the grandchild in question to a hobby and advance the child’s interests with regular gifts of hobby supplies and equipment.

Some friends of ours, after drastically reducing their children’s toy stocks, sent their very generous relations a letter explaining what they’d done. The children, the relatives were told, had readily agreed that from that day forward for every toy they received as a gift, they would give a toy of equal value away to charity. Books, hobby-related items and creative materials were exempted. Not surprisingly, while their generosity did not wane, the relatives never gave the children another toy.

For every problem, there is a solution.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

What is your child REALLY doing online?

by: Elisabeth Wilkins, author of EmpoweringParents.com

Amber* got onto Myspace when she was 13. “It was easy,” she said with a shrug. “All you have to do is lie about your age and give them your email address.” The teen, who is now 15, said, “I guess I accepted a lot of ‘Friends’ to my list without really knowing who they were.” On Myspace, Facebook, Xanga and other social networking sites, the goal is to acquire as many “friends” as possible, a virtual popularity contest that can add up to a whole lot of unknowns. That’s how “Mike,” a man posing as a teen-ager, started messaging Amber. Eventually, he suggested they meet, but before that rendezvous could happen, it emerged that Mike was really a 28-year-old delivery man from a nearby town. Amber had the sense to stop messaging him and remove him from her Friend List, but many other teens and pre-teens haven’t been so fortunate. In Texas, a lawsuit was brought against Myspace by the parents of a fourteen-year-old who was sexually assaulted by a man she met on the social networking site. The suit was dismissed in court, but the problem of how to protect teens online remains.

Dr. Cynthia Kaplan has been the program director of Adolescent Residential Services at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts for more than 15 years. She is also the co-author of the new book, Helping Your Troubled Teen: Learn to Recognize, Understand, and Address the Destructive Behaviors of Today’s Teens. “Ten years ago, I used to see kids with profound psychiatric problems,” says Dr. Kaplan. “Now, on any given Monday, I see teenagers who’ve met someone over the Internet and run away. I get people coming into my office whose thirteen-year-old has been posing as an eighteen-year-old online, and invited someone back to her house. The parents wake up in the middle of the night to find a twenty-three-year old man walking into their daughter’s bedroom.”

The Stranger in the Room
EmpoweringParents.com asked Lucy and Josh, two teens who are on both Myspace and Facebook, how they would know if they were talking to an older person who was posing as a teen-ager. “You just know,” said Lucy. “It’s easy to tell.” “Yeah,” said Josh. “You just steer away from people who you don’t know, who aren’t on your list of friends. And you block them if they get in.” The Norton Global Online Living Report, released earlier this year, reported some alarming results: 16 percent of kids and teens have been approached by strangers online, and 42 percent have been asked to share personal information over the Internet.

Are Lucy and Josh over-confident, or do they know what they’re talking about? Anastasia Goodstein, the author of
“Totally Wired: What Your Teen is Really Doing Online” agreed with what they had to say—for the most part. “I think the whole stranger issue—it’s certainly out there, with predators as well as phishers or scammers.” Because teens don’t yet have a credit history, they are desirable targets for phishers and scammers, who break into their profiles and steal their identities, taking out credit cards and wracking up thousands of dollars worth of debt. Goodstein went on to say that identity thieves can “scrape” profiles with just a real first and last name and part of an address. On Myspace, spammers can hack in to your profile and send bulletins out as your child.

Most parents’ greatest fear when it comes to their kid’s online activities is still the issue of online predators. And the fear is real: “If girls put pictures of themselves up, predators are definitely zooming in on them. Teen-agers need to be smart,” says Goodstein. “The good news is that most teens are smart. They don’t want to talk to adults; they don’t want to talk to some creepy 50-year-old guy. Actually, what law enforcement found is that only about five percent of kids engage in that type of contact [after being approached initially].” The teens and pre-teens to watch closely include kids who are not yet 14 and who are lying to be on Myspace—kids who often tend to be more naïve about people they meet online. Teens who are acting out in other ways—engaging in risky behavior, which may include using drugs and alcohol—should also be watched more carefully.

“These are the teens that are more likely to be vulnerable to advances—or who might even initiate a meeting with an online stranger,” says Goodstein. Most of those meetings happen after there have been a series of contacts and communications made. “It goes back to which kids are going to do this—it’s the same girl that’s going to lie about getting into a college frat party and push those limits.”

What Happens on the Internet, Stays on the Internet…and That’s Part of the Problem
Although the Internet may feel safe, anonymous and impermanent, actually the opposite is true. What teens don’t often realize is that what gets posted on the Internet, stays on the Internet. The online world for a teen is “Very much about confessing, talking about personal things to an invisible audience,” says Goodstein. “Who knows who it is, but everyone is in that confessional booth with their video camera. When people talk about the generation gap, they often talk about this sense of privacy. The younger generation, because they’ve grown up this way, is much more comfortable putting it out there. They’re creating their own sort of reality show about themselves on their sites.”

Recently, a high school in Pennsylvania experienced this firsthand when two teens took photos of themselves during a sexual act and sent the pictures via cell phone to their friends. The image went viral, and now there’s a whole page on Facebook, a “shrine” devoted to them. Since college recruiters and employers are routinely searching for profiles now before they say “yes” to applicants, a lapse in judgment can haunt teens for a long time to come. “Teens don’t often think about the cons of what they post, so you see them making mistakes publicly and permanently,” says Goodstein. “I don’t think that teens realize the permanence of what they publish—it’s pretty impossible to take back.”

While social networking sites are not inherently bad—after all, they provide a place for teens to meet, keep in touch, and hang out, a sort of virtual mall or pizza joint—parents need to be aware of how they work. If not, says Dr. Kaplan, “The end result is that as a parent, I don’t know what my kid knows. We are already so far behind them it’s frightening. Most of us don’t know what Myspace is, so how can we control what our kids are doing on it? The best message is to talk to them proactively, before they join these sites.”

Tips for Parents:

* Begin conversations about Internet safety as soon as you allow your kids on the Internet. You can use block filtering and monitoring for kids age 6-9 to prevent them from going on to a porn site, for example. But once kids are 12, 13, or 14, they know how to get around “Net Nanny” type programs and turn them off, and how to change browser history, so you need to have those conversations—the sooner, the better.

* Keep the computer in a central space in your house. (When your kids are working on something interesting, be sure to comment on that too.) “You need to understand the technology your child is using, and you need to set up ground rules,” says Dr. Kaplan. Night time is often where the planning of dangerous liaisons happens, when teens are online. “We probably see a kid a month here at McLean who has run away with someone they met online. The important thing is that none of this stuff—computers, cells, iphones—should be in their bedroom.” If you have a child who engages in risky behavior, insist on getting their passwords and “spot checking” their profiles. As a parent, you need to factor in your child’s personality and then decide how closely you will monitor their online activities.

* One way to have a conversation about social networking sites: You can ask your teen to help you set up your profile. “They’ll roll their eyes and act like they can’t believe how dumb you are, but they’ll be secretly pleased that you know they’re good at it,” says Goodstein. Click on privacy settings together and make sure your kids know how to set their default settings from public to private. “If you go on Myspace and find that you or your teen have set your profile to ‘public,’ that’s a great teachable moment. Then you can have the conversation: that the college recruiter can find it, future employers can look at it, anyone can see your profile.” Be sure to talk about what’s appropriate to post, and what’s not.

* People should never, under any circumstances, post personal information like social security numbers, telephone numbers or their address on a profile. This makes them easy targets for phishers, scammers and identity thieves.

* Don’t ever share passwords with anyone: not best friends, boyfriends or girlfriends. There have been cases where the relationship has gone sour and people have gotten revenge through a Myspace or Facebook profile, by posing as the person with whom they have a grudge.

* Let your kids know that the computer keeps a record of online exchanges and where they originate from on the hard drive—even though it looks as if the message “disappears.” Tell your child that they should use the same language online that they would in face-to-face communication. They should never say anything rash or threatening because the emails and instant messages can be downloaded and the child can get into real trouble.

* Teens need to know that they can’t assume everyone online is who they say they are. They should always report any inappropriate material or conversations immediately to their parents and to the social networking site.

Navigating Myspace.com: A How-to Guide for Parents

Myspace bills itself as “the place for friends.” While most of the activity that takes place on the website is harmless, many teens are using it as a place to fill a void, feel popular, and hook-up with other users, called “friends.” Myspace.com’s privacy policy states: “MySpace members can view each others’ profiles, communicate with old friends and meet new friends on the service, share photos, post journals and comments, and describe their interests…users’ full names are never directly revealed to other members.” To better understand how the website and others like it work, take a virtual tour and familiarize yourself with its features as soon as possible. Here are the simple steps for getting onto Myspace, creating a profile, and searching for “friends’” profiles:

1. Go to www.myspace.com

2. Click on “Sign Up” in the top right corner of the screen.

3. Fill out the online form. You will need to provide an email address, first and last name, password, country, and postal code.

4. To look for other profiles on the site, simply click on “Search” and type in a name. There are other ways to find people, as well. According to the website, MySpace allows users to search for other members using first and last names, email addresses, schools attended or companies where users may have worked. You can also search through the “Find a Friend” tool, which allows you to search via “display name,” which is the user’s screen name or “handle.”

If you find your child’s profile online, you need to talk with them immediately about the possible consequences of posting their personal information and photos online. Says Dr. Kaplan, “The whole idea here is to let the child know that the Internet is ‘public domain’ and that they do not have the privacy or anonymity they think they do.”

*Names of teens in this article have been changed.

Elisabeth Wilkins is the editor of EmpoweringParents.com and the mother of a five-year-old son. Her work has appeared in national and international publications, including Mothering, Motherhood, and The Japan Times. Elisabeth holds a Masters in Fine Arts in Creative Writing from the University of Southern Maine.

ADHD and Young Children: Unlocking the Secrets to Good Behavior

By: Dr. Robert Myers

For the parents of a child with ADHD, everyday tasks turn into battles—from getting the child out the door in the morning to getting him to bed at night. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, so I remember what it was like to have a daily tug of war with an attention disordered child all too well. Parents look for help everywhere. They may read one book after another and hear a parade of behavioral experts speak who give them parenting tips that don’t seem to work. The more books they read and experts they seek out, the worse their child’s behavior seems to get.

In my practice and in my work with my own son, I discovered a number of techniques and strategies that can help parents improve the behavior of a child with ADHD.

ADHD Secret #1: Parenting Techniques Must Be Adapted to Kids with ADHD
What works for adolescents with ADHD may not work for a seven-year-old with this diagnosis. Likewise, if a behavior modification technique works for 95% of children, that doesn’t mean it will be effective for the 5% of kids with ADHD.

The time out is a classic example of a behavior modification tool that is often misused with children who have ADHD. Timeouts are often recommended to help children with ADHD learn to control impulsive behavior such as talking back, hitting or hyperactivity. However, standard application of this popular intervention may not work in the presence of ADHD.

Parents are usually told to apply 1 minute of timeout for each year of age, thus 6 minutes for a six year old. For a child this young with ADHD, this may be too much time. Psychologists suggest applying the 30% rule to kids with ADHD and learning disabilities, which means that social-emotional development for these kids may be 30% less than their peers. Thus, a 6 year old should be considered to react more like a 4 year old. Therefore, 4 minutes would be more appropriate.

ADHD Secret #2: Use Reward, not Punishment
One of the most important things to realize about children with ADHD is that they respond much better to reward than to punishment. So here’s how to adapt the time out to a child with this diagnosis so that the tool is more effective. If your 6 year old won’t sit quietly in timeout, tell him the timeout is 8 minutes (double the time based on the 30% Rule). But he can reduce it to 4 minutes by sitting quietly. Then watch how hard he tries to earn the “reward.” By moving away from punishment and giving the child a reward, albeit a simple one, you are speaking the language that an ADHD child understands.

Helpful tip: Don’t nag! Help your child to correct errors and mistakes by showing or demonstrating what he should do rather than focusing on what he did wrong.

ADHD Secret #3: Leverage the Child’s Desire for Positive Attention
Children with ADHD usually crave positive attention while being more likely to have a severe over-reaction to negative attention or punishment. Using what is called “selective attention” can be very helpful in increasing appropriate behavior while decreasing inappropriate behavior. Begin to pay attention to appropriate behavior through praise while ignoring inappropriate behavior. For example, your child is wiggling around and making silly noises while you are helping him with homework. Ignore the behavior and say, “Let’s see how fast we can get this work done.” When he settles down you can say, “Wow!, you are really working hard and look, we’re almost done now.” This may be difficult at first because it’s usually the opposite of how parents tend to respond to behavior. It’s our instinct to jump on irritating behaviors and try to correct them, simply to make them go away. But without knowing it, we are rewarding the inappropriate behavior because, with these children, any kind of attention is better than no attention at all. Even worse, when we ignore appropriate behavior, we don’t reinforce it. So the child with ADHD doesn’t learn that appropriate behavior often leads to positive attention. When you use selective attention, rewarded behavior will increase while ignored behavior will decrease. It’s a parental 180-degree turnaround that can work wonders with a young child who has attention and hyperactivity problems.

Helpful Tip: Innappropriate or irritating behavior should be ignored 100% of the time while appropriate behavior should be praised 70% to 80% of the time at first, and then to less than half the time as things improve. The goal is for the child to gradually be able to control their behavior on their own.

ADHD Secret #4: Teamwork Works with ADHD
You + Your Child = The Team
Most programs for kids with ADHD focus on training parents, which is very important, but these programs do not speak directly to the child. Instead, I recommend that parents and kids work together as a team. For instance, in the Total Focus Program, the parents and the child are shown ways of working together on relaxation exercises that improve concentration and reduce frustration. The exercises are fun, and a chart is kept to track progress. They end up having a good time, improving their relationship and learning new skills together.

Many of the programs for kids that are on the market focus on improving only one skill. But they offer no magic cure. In my practice, I’ve had success using a broad spectrum of approaches (cognitive rehabilitation, behavior modification and relaxation therapy) that are integrated together with a newfound “I Can” attitude to produce results that lead to major improvements in behavior and learning achievement. When I work with kids and parents, I teach problem solving skills and social skills to improve motivation and self-esteem. By doing this, the child learns to put in the work to achieve the major skills he needs to master: improved attention, concentration, and functions including memory and self-control. As a result, the whole family benefits.

ADHD Secret #5—Young Children with ADHD Respond Well to Touch
Most kids with ADHD need lots of physical contact. Love them by touching them, hugging them, tickling them, wrestling with them.

ADHD Secret #6–Focus on the child’s strengths daily—and more than you would with a child who does not have ADHD
Look for and encourage their strengths, interests, and abilities. Help them to use these as compensations for any limitations or disabilities. Reward your child with praise, good words, smiles, and a pat on the back as often as you can.

ADHD Secret #7—Practice Motor Skill Improvement to Reduce Frustration
Make a game of practicing motor activities that will stimulate them in their development. For example, skipping to music, playing catch or tossing a bean bag at a stack of blocks improves coordination and the ability to follow directions without frustration, giving the child more self-confidence as well.

ADHD Secret #8—Consistency Pays
Being consistent is good advice for any parent. For parents of young children with ADHD, it is vitally important. Exhausted parents crave a “quick fix” to impulsive, unmanageable behavior. So they tend not to stay with one strategy long enough to see it work. When you use the techniques suggested here, remember that consistency is important to achieving success with a young, attention disordered child.

ADHD is a “brain difference.” You child’s brain works differently than 95% of his peers. So “one size fits all” parenting techniques won’t necessarily fit your child. Your parenting strategies may need to be administered in smaller doses with more emphasis on rewards and on your child’s strengths. I teach parents how to understand the unique traits and behaviors of their child and how to adapt “tried and true” approaches so they will work for their child. I also help parents to develop a positive approach that helps them to be able to develop patience and insight that will result in happier days for parent and child.

Dr Robert Myers is a child psychologist with over 25 years of experience working with children and adolescents with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and learning disabilities and is the creator of the Total Focus Program www.trytotalfocus.com. Dr Myers is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at UC Irvine School of Medicine. “Dr Bob” has provided practical information for parents as a radio talk show host and as editor of Child Development Institute’s website, 4parenting.com which reaches 3 million parents each year. Dr. Myers earned his Ph.D. from the University of Southern California.

How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

by: James Lehman, MSW

A consequence is something that follows naturally from a person’s action, inaction or poor decision. It differs from a punishment in that a punishment is retribution. Punishment is “getting back” at someone, to hurt them back for a hurt they did. When you get a speeding ticket, it’s not a retribution for something you did wrong. It’s a consequence of your poor choices and decisions.

When you’re giving a child a consequence, it’s important to make it flow naturally from the child’s choice or action. For example, if your son sleeps late and doesn’t get up for school, the natural consequence is to go to bed earlier that night to get more sleep. The natural consequence isn’t to take his phone for a week. Tell him he has to go to bed early for the next three nights, and then if he can show you he can get up for school, you’ll go back to the later bedtime.

It’s also important to make the consequence task-oriented, not time-oriented. A time-oriented consequence is when you tell your child he’s grounded for a week or can’t use his cell phone for two weeks. It’s ineffective because all it does is teach kids how to “do time.” It does not teach them how to change their behavior.

A task-oriented consequence is related to the offense and defines a learning objective. If your child stayed out past curfew last week, this weekend, she has to come in an hour earlier to show you that she can do it. When she shows you she can do it, you can go back to her normal curfew time. Making her stay in for three weekends won’t teach her to observe curfew. It just puts you and your family through the grief and the child learns nothing.

The best consequences are those from which the child learns something. If your son is disrespectful to his sister, a good consequence is to tell him he can’t use the phone until he writes her a letter of apology. In the letter, he has to tell her what he’ll do differently the next time he’s in conflict with her. Writing the letter of apology is a learning experience for him that wins him back his phone. That way, he’s not just “doing time.” He’s completing an act that teaches him something.

I think parents have to be very clear about consequences, especially the older kids get. By “older,” I mean the difference between six and eight and then eight and ten. I’m not talking about the difference between eight and eighteen. The older kids get, the more thought they have to put into the consequence. So if a kid’s grade drops because he’s not doing his homework, yes you take his TV. But you take it until the teacher tells you that he’s been doing his homework for two weeks. Or until the teacher tells you he’s brought his grades back up to a B.

What do you do when consequences don’t work?

We hear from many parents who say, “I’ve tried everything, and consequences just don’t work with my kid.” What can a parent in this situation do? First of all, we need to talk about the kids for whom consequences do work. These are kids who are used to structure and are used to limits being set on them. Having structure and setting limits with kids teaches them that there are rewards and consequences in life. If you’re having trouble making consequences work with your kids, here’s an important point. If you want consequences to work, you also have to have rewards. If you have no rewards, then it’s very hard to come up with a consequence without being punitive.

In The Total Transformation Program, I encourage parents to sit down and think up a list of consequences and a list of rewards for their child. The list should include things they can afford, things that don’t cost a lot of money and things that they can achieve in the time they have in their day as parents. For example, as a reward, can you take your kid down to the park for a half an hour and shoot some baskets. Half an hour is all you need. It doesn’t have to take two hours. You also want to make sure the rewards and consequences on the list are realistic to that child’s developmental level.

I also recommend that parents order the rewards and consequences from mildest to heaviest so that you have small rewards for small achievements, big rewards for big achievements. The same goes for consequences. Smaller consequences that flow out of minor infractions. More serious consequences for more serious offenses. By the way, taking the phone is a major consequence, and I would use that cautiously. It’s usually a major consequence because it is usually a very important item to a kid. The more important an item is to a kid, the more he’ll learn when it’s taken as part of a consequence. But remember that when you’re giving consequences, you don’t want to use all your big guns at once.

Having this menu of rewards and consequences gives you a roadmap for how to deal with the hills, valleys and forks in the road you encounter each day with your child. It also keeps you from taking shortcuts, which we all do in parenting. Parents are tired, they work hard, they have high levels of anxiety over their finances and their professional careers, and they have lots of demands beyond caring for the children. This is true in almost every family. So parents often start taking shortcuts that are ineffective, such as taking the cell phone for every offense or grounding a kid for a week. If you have a menu of rewards and consequences, you can give an appropriate consequence for the offense—one that allows the child to learn. Not a knee-jerk, punitive consequence.

The most important question you need to ask yourself when you’re giving a child a consequence is this: What do I want to accomplish here? Do I want to show him who’s boss or do I want to get him to do his homework? If you want to show him who’s boss, then you’re going to be extra punitive in your consequence and fire all your guns at once. If you want him to get his homework done, then you start with consequences that can lead up to getting homework done. Like no TV until your homework’s done. It’s as simple as pie.

When do you use the “big gun” consequences? When you’re dealing with issues involving values and respect of others. When you’re faced with abuse issues such as physical or verbal abuse of a family member or teacher. Or when you’re dealing with serious issues such as stealing.

Consequences don’t happen in a vacuum. They have to fit in with an overall style of parenting that is designed to produce children who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. So, if a consequence isn’t working, and a parent says, “I took his phone for two weeks and it’s not working,” that parent needs to look at a couple of things. First of all, maybe two weeks is too long. Maybe what you have to tell your child is this: “I’m taking your phone until you don’t do X for twenty four hours.” Or, “If you talk abusively to your sister, I’m taking your phone until you don’t talk to her abusively for forty eight hours straight. And every time you’re abusive with her, it starts over.” Go back again to the most important question: “What do I want to accomplish?” If you want to hurt him for hurting his sister, take his phone for two weeks. But if you do this, don’t expect any compliance out of him. If what you want to accomplish is having your son learn not to be abusive and work on his self-control, then set up a task as part of the consequence.

Another thing to think about is whether you’re being firm or rigid. There’s nothing wrong with being firm. But if you’re being senselessly rigid, your kids are going to develop defiance to respond to that. That’s the problem with using all the big gun consequences at once.

Sometimes consequences don’t work because they are part of a much broader problem, and the child is in a power struggle with the parents. Withholding compliance is a part of that power struggle. One of the primary ways that kids try to win that power struggle with their parents is by withholding compliance. Once that pattern establishes itself, the only power the parent has is to punish, and the only power the kid has is to withhold compliance. Consequences will not work in that atmosphere. When this occurs, parents need the more comprehensive solution that The Total Transformation and the Parental Support Line provide. The program and the support will help you with the broader problem-solving skills that enable kids to take responsibility for compliance without being reactionary.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit The Total Transformation Progam.

Musings on “Life Is Not Fair” & Sarah Palin

Politics aside, as I learn more about Sarah Palin, John McCain’s vice presidential running mate, some deep parenting questions surface within my heart.

Governor Palin is a mother of five children. Trig, the four-month-old baby has been diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. At seventeen years of age, Bristol, her eldest daughter, is expecting a baby this winter.

Despite meticulous planning and enormous efforts, life does not always materialize in the way which we had imagined it would. Undoubtedly, several years ago, Sarah Palin would not have predicted that her family would find itself in its current situation.

I find myself wondering, what would I do if my teenage daughter told me that she was pregnant? How would I react if my teenage son informed me that he was going to become a father? What is the appropriate reaction to the myriad of events that may occur, those that are not in line with our plans for the future?

The bigger question that begs to be asked is: If it can be so challenging for me to deal with life’s various hurtles, it must be even harder for children to deal with disappointments. If parents sometimes get angry or resort to blaming others for the unfairness of life, how can we expect our children to accept all that comes their way with equanimity?

Let us make the assumption that children are not born instinctively understanding and accepting the fact that life is not fair.

“It’s not fair!” is the mantra of all children; and the truth is that life is absolutely unfair- some of us have more blessings than others. What can we parents do to help our children deal with inevitable disappointments that crop up from time to time?

I just got home from a wilderness program for teenage boys. Most of them were sixteen years old and addicted to illegal drugs. Every teenager faces some complications; why is it that some teens are unable to cope with their problems; why do they feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of drug or alcohol addiction?

The answer is that that particular child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not completely at fault; and the culture around him can be blamed.

The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?

Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage one from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.

In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.

Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.

Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.

Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will arise.

It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-woth that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.

The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.

Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.

Drug and alcohol usage and overly disrespectful behavior are a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the child’s behavior when dealing with a teenager in distress.

The child who is addicted to harmful substances, or acting out in inappropriate manners, has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Leading an optimistic, cheerful family is no contradiction to teaching your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.

When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.

The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.

So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.

It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.

When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.

EDIT: As I read some of the comments, I realize that my thought process regarding the linkage of Sarah Palin and dealing with the unfairness of life was not entirely clear.

So, here goes: As I watched the media focus on all of Governor Palin’s personal issues, I wondered where, exactly, one can find a family of seven without any problems??? Then I continued to wonder- does the media think that Sarah Palin made a decisive, conscious choice to have her seventeen-year-old daughter become pregnant? We all know that as much as we’d like to, we cannot control everything that teenagers do these days. Imagine if Governor Palin’s response to Trig’s birth and Bristol’s pregnancy was- ‘Oh, no, my career is over, my life is going to be so difficult from now one, I am a victim of circumstances, this is all so unfair!’ Sarah’s response to the media, (which I can’t locate right now) about giving her daughter love and support throughout the difficulties involved in having a child were my inspiration to write this article. It is refreshing to see someone who can deal with things not going precisely as planned, and still stay strong. I hope that helps:)

“I’m Bored”

You have just settled yourself in front of the computer to read an interesting article (perhaps one of mine!) and then you hear the two words which grate on your nerves: “I’m bored!”

It is understandable that you feel frustrated. Aside from being interrupted, the reason for the interruption is irritating- why can’t she find something to do with her free time on her own?

Taking a step back from the situation at hand, you may wonder, is it your job as a parent to keep your child entertained 24/7?

If so, what can you do when your son is done playing with the hundreds of dollars of toys that clutter up the entire house? And if not, how should you respond to those desperate cries of boredom?

Boredom is a problem faced by your child. The question that must be addressed is: Who is responsible for solving a child’s problems?

Obviously if a child is too young to complete a specific task, it is your job as a parent to do it for him. For example, if your child cannot pour himself a drink, it is your responsibility to pour the water for him.

However, what about the numerous cases where your child truly is capable of solving a problem, yet she chooses not to? Is it your responsibility to step in and address the situation for her?

There are several options from which you can choose:

1) You may decide to solve the problem for your child. Generally, this is the quickest and most efficient way of addressing the problem. For example, you may help your school-age child get into pajamas in order to expedite the bedtime process even though your son has been perfectly capable of getting dressed on his own for quite some time.

This method will usually stop the child’s whining the fastest; however by doing so on a regular basis, you may hinder your child’s emotional maturity by fostering his dependency upon your help.

2) You could decide not to offer your child any help at all. “Honey, you know how to that type of worksheet, and I’m not going to get up to help you out.”

By explaining to your child that the problem is his responsibility you will foster independence, yet your child may feel emotionally deprived. Perhaps he will accuse you of not caring about him via the all-too-familiar manipulative, “You don’t love me!”

3) You can decide to help your child without taking the responsibility away from your child. Your goal is to offer enough guidance so that your child can complete the task on his own. Through your verbal or physical assistance your child will have the opportunity to solve the problem and gain valuable problem-solving skills that will serve him for years to come.

For example, suppose your daughter pleads, “I can’t get my bike out of the shed- Nate’s bike is in front of mine.” Assuming that you are aware that she is perfectly capable of maneuvering the larger bike out of the way, you may choose to respond, “It can be frustrating when a bigger bike is blocking yours. How about wheeling Nate’s bike all the way out of the shed so that there is lots of room to take out your bike?” In this manner you supply guidance and demonstrate concern without taking control of the situation.

Back to boredom!

When your son runs towards you stating, “I’m bored!” he is actually letting you know, “I have this problem called boredom and I don’t know what to do. I want you to solve this problem for me.”

What are some ways that you as the parent can offer guidance yet avoid taking responsibility for his boredom?

Son: I’m sooooo bored.
Parent: Oh, you don’t know what to do? That can feel really awful.
Son: Yes, I hate being bored!
Parent: It seems that you want me to help you out, but I’m not sure what you want me to do for you.
Son: Well, I like to play soccer, but it’s raining outside and you don’t let me play ball in the living room anymore.

Note: Be aware of manipulative behavior, where your child requests that you suspend a household rule or asks for treats that are reserved for special occasions.

Parent: That’s right, since we got the glass china closet there is no more ball playing in the living room.
Son: The living room has lots of room for soccer. The playroom is full of toys- it’s so crowded in there.
Parent: So, you’d really like to play soccer but the playroom is too messy?
Son: Yeah, if there weren’t so many toys in the playroom I could have a great game. You know what? I think I’m going to clean up all the toys really fast and then I’ll play a great game of soccer in the playroom!

Here’s an alternate manner in which your conversation may play out:

Daughter: I’m bored.
Parent: Oh, that’s terrible. You don’t know what to do.
Daughter: Yeah, I was going ride my bike but it’s raining, and then Lori was going to come over but then she had to cancel.
Parent: That’s really disappointing- when your plans don’t work out.
Daughter: Now I’m so bored!
Parent: Hmm, let’s think about what you like to do.
Daughter: I like playing with my friends but I called a bunch and nobody seems to be home today.
Parent: Oh, so your friends are not available now. What are some things that you like doing on your own?
Daughter: All the things I like doing are outdoors and it’s pouring. It’s not fair!
Parent: What did you do in camp when it was raining?
Daughter: We did arts-and-crafts activities. Hey, may I take a bunch of white papers out of the printer to make a ‘Welcome Home’ sign for Grandma?

These techniques will require practice and you may find yourself rushing into your former job of the ‘problem solver’. In the long run, however, teaching your child to take responsibility will teach him self reliance, boost his self confidence, and aid him in thinking of ways to entertain himself so that you can get back to the computer and finish reading that interesting article. (It was one of mine, wasn’t it?)

Happy reading:)

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