There’s No Such Thing as a Small Soul!
July 15, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Problem Solving, Words of Inspiration!
The title of this article may strike you as a contradiction to the name of this website, RaisingSmallSouls.com.
Obviously, you’d be absolutely correct to take note of the inconsistency.
And that is what brings us to today’s topic: There are very few absolutes in the realm of childrearing.
Children are capable of great things- does that make their souls any smaller in size than those of adults???
Who is to say that there is no extenuating circumstance where it is appropriate to do something that is generally viewed as deplorable?
Based on specific personalities and relationships, can it be that one particular method of dealing with children is always the best?
For example, corporal punishment is generally viewed as an unsavory method of disciplining children- but who would not give a child a quick slap if it would stop him from running into a street bustling with traffic? (Of course gentler methods are recommended, yet in the heat of a potentially dangerous moment, we may react severely.)
Last week’s post regarding “mood numbers” evoked a number of thought-provoking reactions, and it’s difficult to say any of them are off-target.
The very same parent-child confrontation can have two different “right” ways of being handled- depending on the situation at hand.
The exact same scenario should be dealt with differently in the Smith home up the block versus the Jones household down the street- because of various external factors.
Here’s the main point for today:
Just because you read or hear of a terrific piece of advice, does not mean that it ought to be implemented without thought!
No article, book, website, (not even this one!) or session with a therapist, can adequately cover all of nuances in your personal life.
Keep on reading, listening, and learning, for all that knowledge will help you to make educated decisions. We are not robots, and children are not born with directions. It is a combination of love, knowledge, paternal instinct, and conscious contemplation that allow us to be manifest our true potential as excellent parents for the next generation.
Mood Numbers
July 10, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development, Self Esteem
What Mood Number Are You In?
Here’s how “mood-numbers” got started:
The plumber called earlier to say that he’d be here six hours ago, he hasn’t shown up, and the main bathroom and laundry facilities are still out of order.
I am annoyed and frustrated. (To put it mildly.)
My son brings chips into a carpeted room. (Disobeying one of the few rules we have.)
I snap and yell.
Now, I’m feeling bad that I took out all my frustrations on my innocent small soul.
“I’m sorry, Sweetie,” I say to my son. “Mommy is in a bad mood because the bathroom is broken.”
With youthful innocence, he asks me, “But why are you in a bad mood at ME?”
“I love you so much that you make me in a good mood, but I am upset that the plumber hasn’t come yet.”
“Hmmm, Mom, what mood number are you in?”
That was how it all began.
Sometimes I’ll answer “73” and my son will give me a hug and say, “NOW, what mood number are you in?”
We developed a simple system of 1 though 100, where mood number 1 is the absolutely worst one possible, and mood number 100 equals total ecstasy.
When children can define their feelings and the subtle differences in their emotions as feelings ebb and flow, they have a powerful tool to deal with all the ups and downs the life brings. By virtue of the fact that they are able to name their feelings, they become heads and shoulders above the general population in their ability to express themselves and develop meaningful relationships.
“I’m in mood 61,” my six-year-old recently stated. “I’m only a tiny bit happy because I have a headache.
“Mood number 100 is probably only for your wedding day, right, Mom?” asked my eight-year-old.
“I’m so angry that my soda spilled!” I’m in mood number eleven!”
Sometimes we add fractions, just for fun.
“I was in mood 73 and now that you have treated your brother nicely, I went up to mood number 83-and-a-half!”
It is also helpful to differentiate moods from physical well-being.
“My mood is 95, but my stomach is hurting, so my body is only at 30, so now I want to rest on the couch and hear you playing quietly.”
Both good and bad moods can be used as a great opportunity for labeling moods in a more detailed manner.
All children can relate to being happy versus sad.
It would also be valuable for children to utilize descriptions like livid, frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, regretful, melancholy, resentful, or furious.
Variations of happiness can be expressed as joy, excitement, appreciation, contentment, pleasure, or delight.
One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.
Freedom!
July 7, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Values & Ethics
Celebrating Independence Day this weekend on July 4th, I gazed at the brilliant display of fireworks and pondered what freedom means to us today.
Freedom is all about having the ability to make choices.
Living in the 21st century, most of us, thankfully, do reside in counties that protect our basic freedoms.
Yet, I wondered, how much freedom is truly mine, and how much have I relinquished in order to fit into a specific “role”?
So often, we find ourselves stuck in a rut of repetitive habits, without understanding that we really do have the ability to break through of our invisible chains.
How many of us were labeled as children, and then grew into the roles that were assigned to us?
Don’t we all know someone who was labeled as non-academic in his youth, who went on to graduate college with honors later in life?
Aren’t we all familiar with someone who invested so much in her musical talents that she never explored the other aspects of her multi-facetted personality?
It’s so easy, and it’s so tempting to cast our children into roles.
“He’s the messy one with a great sense of humor.”
“She’s the sensitive one who is always organized.”
“He has terrific athletic abilities, but less-than-stellar social skills.”
I recall that in comparison to my brother, I had very specific labels in my youth. (Way too embarrassing to go into more detail!)
Sometimes freedoms are not taken away with a ball and chain, but with a simple label.
Casting a child into a specific role can create a long-term self-fulfilling prophesy.
Throughout their childhood and teenage years, children do not yet have a firm grasp on reality. Rather, their reality is defined by what their parents present as being the truth.
How often do we hear about the youth who was called a “liar” and then realized that he ought to continue speaking falsely in order to live up to his newfound “role”.
People, like glimmering diamonds, have a multitude of facets.
At this present day, or even within this specific decade, one particular facet may be shining more brightly than the others; yet that does not diminish the existence and potential of many other angles that make up one’s personality.
Let’s try to hold our tongues and avoid stereotyping our children within a specific role. Hard as it may be, let’s allow our children to explore ideas and activities that we may not have thought to be a perfect match. Obviously, we are not referring to actions that are inappropriate, rather to dealings that we would not have thought suited to that particular child.
The child who is disorganized can be given a chance to be in charge of a party. (With the necessary amount of supervision!)
The athletic son ought not be held back from trying his hand in the arts one season.
And the family “brain” may decide to opt out of this year’s honors program in order to pursue other interests.
When we avoid casting children into particular roles, we develop more well-rounded and emotionally healthy children.
Let’s continue to love, encourage, and continue to bring out the endless sparkle in our children.
Like a diamond sparkling in the sunlight, the layers of their personality will develop into a unique blend of talents, personality, and ingredients nowhere else to be found.
Reflections on a Fallen Tree
June 13, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development, Problem Solving
A huge maple tree came crashing down across the street from my home.
The rainstorm disappeared just as suddenly as it had made its debut, and the entire neighborhood gathered around the horizontal tree.
The massive tree blocked the entire street; thankfully no people, vehicles, or homes were in its path.
That afternoon saw none of the usual bike riding, roller-blading, and baseball games that are so common in our yard. On the day the tree fell, all the children spent their time gazing in wonder at the fallen tree and watching unfortunate drivers attempt to make U-turns as they approached the blocked-off street.
In between reminding my children not to climb the weak branches of the tree, I wondered about all the excitement.
We see upright trees on our block every single day. What makes the very same tree, in a 90 degree rotation, so fascinating?
It’s all about perspective. The very same object, word, or action can be perceived as exciting or mundane, thrilling or tragic. An upright tree is a blessedly common occurrence, and we scarcely ever give it a second glance; while a fallen tree, as a result of its unusual position, became an object of wonder.
A spilled gallon of oil on the freshly washed kitchen tiles can be seen as a calamity at this moment, or a humorous memory a decade from now.
Forgetting the GPS system at home, and getting lost on a family vacation, can be seen as terrible predicament or an opportunity for adventure and fun.
Of course, let’s never forget the famous story of horrible traffic on the way to the airport, which resulted in a family missing their flight- which subsequently crashed.
The loss a game of baseball, while disappointing for the player, can be approached as a learning opportunity for dealing with disappointments.
How many of us have been forced by circumstances beyond our control to move to another community amid tears, only to realize later that relocating was actually a blessing in disguise?
Raising children comes part and parcel with an abundance of challenges, and our attitude is what makes all the difference!
Education & Creativity
April 16, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Problem Solving
Sir Ken Robinson makes an entertaining (and profoundly moving) case for creating an education system that nurtures creativity, rather than undermining it.
Think about this: “We don’t grow into creativity, we grow out of it; actually, we get educated out of it.”
Click below to begin the video:
You may need to simply click ‘refresh’ if you do not see the video above these words! Otherwise, you can view it here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY
Are You Spoiling Your Kid?
April 1, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Parenting Toddlers, Values & Ethics
From the very first infant feeding to college tuition, parents are constantly giving to their children.
Some parents give more, and others less; yet we all wonder at some point, “Am I spoiling my daughter?” or, “Is buying this item for my son truly a good idea?”
Is there a guide or checklist that can inform parents when they are giving to their children in a healthy manner versus overindulging them? How can we know whether we are spoiling our children?
Let’s examine a child’s developmental stages:
When a small soul is born, the baby’s fist is clenched- a symbol of his position in humanity as a ‘taker”. As he grows, we hope that he will learn to open up his palm and become a “giver” with an outstretched hand.
For the first few months of his life, a baby is only capable of seeing the world through his very own point of reference. At approximately eight months of age, the baby learns the concept of “object transience” – the idea that objects exist even if he is unable to see them. At this stage the baby realizes that his parents or primary caretakers are separate from himself; this is the age where stranger-anxiety occurs, and his newfound discovery make the game of “peek-a-boo” so much fun!
In a healthy setting, as the baby becomes a toddler, he learns to interact with others and discovers that his actions can affect other people’s reactions. He will learn age-appropriate social skills and delight in giving back to his parents; with a smile, sharing a blanket, or a Lego project. A child in a state of fulfillment will generally develop normally.
In an unhealthy setting, where a baby’s emotional and/or physical needs are not sufficiently met, a toddler’s interaction with other people will constantly be an attempt to manipulate them to fulfill his needs. This child is typically left with a TV as a babysitter for long periods of time and develops poor social skills when he begins to associate with his peers.
Paradoxically, it is the giving and nurturing of a child which allows his to become a giving and nice person.
We all know narcissistic adults who are only capable of seeing the world through their own selfish viewpoint. These are the people that get insulted easily, manipulate others to do their wishes- often using guilt-trips, and ‘kiss-up’ to those that are on a higher socio-economic level than themselves.
In essence, narcissistic adults are unknowingly trying to get the love, attention, and nurturing that they lacked in their childhood.
Now, what does all this have to do with whether I should buy my teenage daughter a new Jaguar or not?
There are only two types of spoiling:
1) Alternating between not giving a child enough and then giving much too much.
Example: A jet-setting father who spends more time overseas than at home will purchase expensive gifts to compensate for the lack of attention he gives his child.
2) Giving to a child because of your insecurity and need for the child to depend upon you.
Example: An unconfident mother will buy her newlywed daughter a home and furnishings so that she maintains a feeling of usefulness, not because of heartfelt generosity.
There is no direction booklet which states “the appropriate framework of gift-giving to children without crossing the border of spoiling is giving the amount of the square-root of their age multiplied by the median income in a five-mile radius of your home each calendar month.”
Ironically, the way to inoculate your children from being needy, narcissist adults is by giving to them in a consistent and age-appropriate manner.
If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.
Even though you walked to school five miles, and it was uphill both ways, and it took you a year to save enough for a beat-up bicycle- if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.
If you live in a neighborhood or school district where children are given extravagant things, you may want to rethink your place of living as your children get older and begin to understand “keeping up with the Jones”.
By far, the most essential gift you can give your child is love, which children spell T-I-M-E!
We Are More Than Beautiful!
March 11, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Parenting Teenagers, Self Esteem, Values & Ethics, Words of Inspiration!
We Are More Than Beautiful
46 Real Teens Speak Out about Beauty, Happiness, Love and Life
by Woody Winfree
The new book, We Are More Than Beautiful for teen girls is the latest addition to the work of the I Am Beautiful Project, an initiative committed to producing creative and educational works that encourage personal growth and discovery for women and girls of all ages.
Author, Woody Winfree says the project’s mission is simple: to create a world in which every woman and girl can proudly proclaim, “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”
What is the I Am Beautiful Project all about? It is about changing the definition of beauty in our culture – one girl at a time, one woman at a time. Quite dramatically, the mass media has chipped away at our sense of beauty and well-being by presenting a singular, narrow and distorted image of female beauty: super-thin bodies, topped by large, perky breasts, with flawless youthful faces surrounded by shiny bouncy hair –and of course, sparkly white, perfectly straight teeth! This suggestion of beauty is not only wrong, it is a LIE. In truth, only three percent of the U.S. female population has the genetic makeup to look like this ideal. That means 97% of us are spending billions of dollars, untold hours of our lives and huge amounts of happiness in an attempt to pursue this distorted ideal.
In sum, the I Am Beautiful Project is about books and films, and workshops and seminars — and anything else I might think to create along the way – that help guide women and girls to change their perspective about the definition of beauty. Beauty is NOT the size of our waists, or the cascade of our hair. Rather, beauty is the sum of our talents, accomplishments, intellect, contribution to our families and communities, and every other measure of living a life that deeply matters.
Where did the idea of this project come from? With the creation of my first book for women, I Am Beautiful – A Celebration of Women, the hope was to give our daughters – mine and yours and every other American girl — a tangible work that they could hold onto. To expose them to images of women that are as real, interesting, diverse and beautiful as real women are. The success of this first book (that is now available in a gift edition), naturally led to creating a book just for girls: We Are More Than Beautiful.
The seed for this work, however, was planted some years before book ideas ever came into my head. When my now 23-year-old daughter was five someone asked me if she could model for a photo-shoot for a leather goods product ad. I thought this would be a fun experience, so off we went. At the time we were living in rural Connecticut. My daughter was a frog-chasing, tree-climbing nature girl almost completely free from the mass media – billboards, magazines, TV, etc. But the second the photographer bent down to take a few test shots, my little nature-girl struck a provocative pose of hip out, lips pouting and a come-hither stance, while her dumb-struck mother looked on! Where could she possibly have learned to do this? Why did she think that this is the natural relationship that a woman has with the camera? I came to believe that her weekly journey through the gauntlet of fashion magazines on the grocery check-out aisle is where she learned this “un-truth.”
Tell me about the new teen book. Who is in it? Where are they from? What stories do they tell – and how is this important to other girls who read the book? The girls in the book are ages 12 to 19, from all walks of American life, facing and exploring all types of issues with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Each girl responded to my query – “Tell me why you are beautiful.” At once, every story is unique to the individual girl’s experience, but universal to the experience of American girls everywhere. Each girl is presented with her picture in an artistically graphic and colorful layout over two pages. This presentation is, not only contemporary and exciting to girls raised in the most visually stimulating culture ever but, affords the reader to enter fully into each girls’ “world” and experience her journey of claiming her beauty.
Bottom line, experiencing other girls’ stories is important because it supports, helps and guides the reader to learn how to ask and answer that question for herself. The book creates a classical “peer” environment for sharing information, even trading secrets in a safe, supportive way. It also teaches girls to learn that they have a “right” to their sense of beauty and how to formulate conversations with their own friends on the subject.
Can the book be used by mothers with their daughters? Absolutely! My hope is that mothers and daughters will read it together and use its stories as a springboard for ongoing conversations. Conversations about:
How the culture distorts that definition – and why
Why a narrow, distorted definition is harmful
Who are the women and girls in our lives that we find most beautiful – and do they embody the cultural ideal of beauty – or a deeper, more meaningful definition?
How we can enjoy the fun and frivolity, even the consumerism, of American life without buying into notion that we must alter our natural features in order to feel beautiful, make friends, get good grades, get ahead and on and on.
Proof positive of this is seen in my own two daughters. Because I have been working on projects related to this subject for more than 10 years, my daughters have been raised on a nutritious and bountiful “diet” of ways to define their beauty. Like any belief or idea that one is exposed to, affirmative ideas of who they are have shaped how they see themselves. Further, 1,000 “teaching moments” over dinner conversation or watching TV or looking at magazines, have raised their awareness of how and why the media diminishes women. And, knowledge is power. Oh sure, they have “bad hair” days and times when they are knocked off their stride – just like we all do. But at their core, they have a deeper sense of self and an expansive measure of their worth to draw on. This is the gift I work to share – one girl at a time, one woman at a time.
Why do you believe that naming our beauty is so essential? When we give “voice” to anything, ascribe literal words to a thought or idea, a major shift begins to take place. It might be ever so subtle in the beginning, but in time the act evolves into a concrete declaration of fact. I also believe that we deserve to know and feel our beauty. I believe it is our right, our spiritual right. Can we reach our full potential in this one precious life we have been honored with if we are chasing an artificial ideal of our self-worth? This is the ultimate question that we must ask ourselves – and guide our young daughters looking up to us to do the same.
What else are you up to with the I Am Beautiful Project? I speak frequently to various audiences of women and girls on this subject. From colleges and universities around the country to high schools, at companies and more. These seminars and workshops are designed to dig deeper into the issues we have explored in this interview. These events are listed on my website: www.iambeautiful.com
Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!
January 15, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Emotional Development, Problem Solving, Values & Ethics, Words of Inspiration!
Yell at your kids in the afternoon, but…
… NOT in the mornings!
This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.
Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!
Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!
This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)
Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)
For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.
Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!
1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.
2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)
3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.
4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.
Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY
Driving Without Fuel
January 10, 2008 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Values & Ethics, Words of Inspiration!
Here’s a question for you:
Would you attempt a cross-country drive without a single gallon of gas in your car’s tank?
At the risk of stating the obvious, nobody in their right mind would try to take a trip in a vehicle that lacks fuel!
Then, why, OH WHY, do so many of us attempt one of the world’s most difficult endeavors without any fuel???
Perhaps rocket scientists or brain surgeons may argue that their job is harder, but I beg to differ: Parenting children in this day and age has got to be the most challenging (and, hopefully, rewarding!) job in the world.
Just like the minivan without gas, or the Everest-climber missing his equipment, or my son’s remote-controlled car without batteries- we parents cannot accomplish much when we are running on empty.
Have you snapped at your child lately or otherwise demonstrated an undisciplined lack of patience?
(Yup, me too…)
The vast majority of the times that we ‘slipped’ we were tired, hungry, angry, or otherwise disturbed.
That’s a reason, not an excuse!
Now, that doesn’t mean that we have free reign to yell at our kids just because we’re stressed out!
What it does mean is that we MUST take responsibility for our irritability and impatience.
How can a harried, exhausted mom expect to serve dinner with the same serenity as a relaxed, content dad?
Now that we have established that parents must be ‘fueled-up’ in order to raise their small souls, what type of ‘gasoline’ ought to be used?
Well, there’s a choice at the pump: 87, 89, or 93!
Fuel 87) Physical exercise.
Paradoxically as it may seem, exercise actually gives you more energy. Endorphins, the ‘feel-good’ hormones are released for sixteen hours after your work out. Think of exercise as the natural alternative to Prozac- it just makes you happier and calmer!
Be a better parent- an extraordinarily, fabulously more effective parent this year- and add 30-NON-NEGOTIABLE minutes of exercise to your day, every day!
If you absolutely don’t have time, make the time! Turn it into an activity that involves your children. Try a dance or aerobics DVD with your child- my boys love to jump and laugh along with me! All youngsters love stability balls, light dumbbells, and steppers!
Here are 2 of my absolute FAVORITE DVD’s: Tight on Time & Quick Fix!
Fuel 89) Friendship.
As a busy parent, you are quite concerned about your child’s social life, birthday parties, and never-ending play-dates.
However, when was the last time you scheduled a grown-up play-date?
Having frequent contact with good friends will improve your physical and emotional health, and breathe a fresh ray of sunshine into your daily life.
MEET A FRIEND this week, and watch out for that extra bounce in your step!
Fuel 93) A Hobby.
Before you skip this section because you think you do not have any hobbies, you can replace the title with “stuff I like”.
There’s a good chance that you spend an enormous amount of time, money, and energy providing things that your child likes, while you forget about what YOU like!
When was the last time you played your favorite sport, created a beloved craft project, or read a good book? Try to recall the activities that gave you a ‘high’ before you were a parent, and then schedule them back into your life; it will transform you into a new-and-improved parent.
~~~~~
So, there you have it- all the ‘gas’ that a mom or dad needs, just to turn the ignition and begin the journey.
Just as nobody experiences guilt when they gas up their car for a trip, there ought not be any feelings of guilt when you take the time to fulfill your own needs!
Once you are properly fueled, you’ll need more provisions for your cross-country trip: food, a map, a GPS system, oil, and windshield wiper fluid- to name a few. Stay tuned for coming RaisingSmallSouls articles for more ‘equipment’ on your parenting journey!
Parents – 12 Holiday Tips For Balance, Harmony, and Joy
December 12, 2007 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Emotional Development, Values & Ethics, Words of Inspiration!
What about you? Do you push yourself to the limits during the holidays? You’re not alone. For busy parents, being maxed out on both time and energy is already your normal state. Add on all the things we do during the holidays, and you’ve got a recipe for overload.
This year, I want to share with you some ways to not just survive the holidays, but be invigorated, refreshed, and renewed by them. My Twelve Holiday Tips for Balance and Harmony will help you navigate the holiday season with greater ease, less stress, and more time to enjoy, perhaps more than you have in a long time.
1. First and foremost, take care of yourself.
Did I say first? YES! When we need to cut corners, the first thing to go is our own self-care. But taking care of yourself needs to be at the top of your list. Get enough sleep. Eat well, and on time. Sip water throughout the day. Stay active. Take a moment every so often to breathe.
2. Sort out what matters most — and what doesn’t — in your holiday season.
Chances are there are some things you do every year that you don’t need to or even really want to be doing. Throw those out the window! These can be little things or big things. Your choice! You can only do so much, so save your time and energy for the things that are really important to you.
3. Decide what your “keepers” are for this holiday season.
Look inward and decide what kind of holiday is just right for your family. What are the most important things to YOU this holiday season? There are no right or wrong answers here! Choose the things that are meaningful to you and your family, and focus on those the most.
4. Be imperfect! And love it!
We all know we’re not perfect. But we often spend valuable mental and emotional energy wishing we could do things better. This is especially true around the holidays, when we’re bombarded with images of the model family, the ideal kids, the perfect dinner, the museum-quality home decor. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. Take the pressure off yourself. What if you were to actually celebrate what you formerly saw as your shortcomings? The imperfect parts of your holiday could even become some of your best memories.
5. Give a gift to yourself.
This doesn’t have to cost a thing. How about giving yourself a gift certificate? Something like: this certificate entitles the bearer to a nice warm bath. Or a cup of coffee with a friend. An uninterrupted half-hour to devote to your hobby. A night off from household chores. A walk in a nearby park. A book from the library to read — for fun. Whatever gift(s) you give yourself, no guilt allowed! Enjoy your gift to yourself fully, knowing that you work hard, and you deserve it.
6. Spend special time with your child.
This one of the most precious parts of any holiday. Yet parents have told me that sometimes a holiday goes by so fast, they don’t feel like they have time to really connect with their kids. Or that they never seem to get a chance to share the true meaning of the holiday with their kids. Or that they’re so busy trying to keep their kids busy and behaving, that they’ve got little energy left for much else.
Try this: choose in advance a particular time during the day when you and your child will spend some special time together. By consciously setting aside a piece of the day that you can purely enjoy with your kids, you’ll be making space for meaningful holiday moments and cherished memories that will last a lifetime.
7. Choose one tradition per holiday that brings your family together for a moment of joy, reflection, fun, relaxation, or just plain silliness.
Traditions are important — but a holiday can be so jam-packed with activity that the whole day can whiz by with no time to slow down. Make room in your day for one tradition that lets you simply enjoy each other’s company for a time — in a way that’s uninterrupted and just right for your family.
8. Get help.
Delegate as much as you can this holiday season. Ask yourself two questions:
- WHAT tasks can you delegate?
- WHO can you delegate the tasks to?
Once you get going on this, you’ll amaze yourself with how creative you can get at getting help! You’ll also be pleasantly surprised at how delegating even the smallest errand, task, or responsibility can give you a big boost in your time and energy.
9. Nevermind what other people think.
The holidays are full of moments when we wonder what other people must be thinking, whether we’re out in public or with friends or even family. Parents of children with special needs report that this is one of the hardest things they have to deal with. I want to encourage you to let go of what other people think. As a parent, your choices are yours and you make them for a reason. You and your family are who you are. No explanations necessary.
10. Take little time-outs when you can.
If you can get a morning to yourself, an afternoon on your own, or a night out, go for it! But it’s hard for many parents of children with special needs to get big chunks of free time. So take little mini-breaks when you can, even when you feel like you have enough on your to-do list to keep busy every second of every day.
11. Try something new.
Studies show that when people are in the habit of trying something new every so often, they feel better mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why not try something new this holiday season? Keep it simple. A new flavor of tea? A different outdoor game after the big dinner? I could go on, but I’ll let you come up with your own ways to put a little of the zing of something new into your holiday this year.
12. Be present.
The more special the day, the more it tends to go by in a flash. Slow it down a little, savor it, cherish it. Now and then, take a moment to stop and really look at and listen to whomever and whatever is around you. Take the day off mentally and emotionally. Give yourself the permission and the freedom to truly enjoy the special moments of the day.
Joan Celebi is the Special Needs Parent Coach, helping you conquer the chaos and create a more manageable, balanced life. Get her FREE “Guide to the Ten Essentials of Balance and Harmony,” and her FREE newsletter with tips and strategies for balanced living — all for parents of children with special needs — at www.SpecialNeedsParentCoach.com
Progress, not Perfection
November 15, 2007 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Controversial Parenting Styles, Emotional Development, Values & Ethics
Progress, not Perfection
Yesterday I noticed a bumper sticker in my dentist’s parking lot which read, “Progress, not perfection.”
Hundreds of examples of how to apply that motto to childrearing rushed through my head as I made my way past that shiny sedan.
Although most of those ideas flew right out of my brain by the time I got to the keyboard, I’m happy to be able to share what I can recall;)
Have you ever heard that if Christopher Columbus had invested one cent into a fund that yielded compound interest in 1492, that account would now be worth over $95 billion?
The moral, in this case, is obviously that ‘baby steps’ work.
Just because you can’t change the world (or yourself, or your spouse, or your child) does not mean that you ought not make the incremental changes that can accomplish a tremendous amount.
Let’s take a simple example of a positive family change:
“I will stop raising my voice in my communication with my children.”
What a wonderful, commendable resolution that is.
Realistically, it may last for two days, two weeks, or perhaps two months if we are particularly soft-tempered!
The general pattern of events is that certain levels of frustration result in shouting, which, in turn, will result in giving up on the above-mentioned resolution.
A roughly translated quote from an ancient sage reads, “He who grabs all is left with none.”
How aptly that describes our typical involvement in effecting positive changes.
As humans, we tend to reach for the stars. Thus, our failure to achieve those fantastic expectations results in discouragement.
Let’s try a new strategy, a strategy of progress.
How differently would the atmosphere my household radiate if I cut down on the number of times I raise my voice- without altogether pledging to eliminate any and all shouting?
Like Columbus’s proverbial penny, little changes add up to great transformations.
A small, positive shift in our behavior is likely to create a pleasant ripple of change through our family life.
Find two or three minutes of solitude, and ask yourself this: What can I do to make my child’s life a better one?
Additional quality time, more patience during mealtime, taking up a joint hobby, reading a book together- are just a few of the ideas that suddenly come to mind.
Figure out the concept that will work best for you and your child, and commit yourself to create progress- not perfection!
Happy parenting- the job where perfection is always elusive!
Here’s a terrific and thought-provoking book:
Parenting From the Inside Out “This is not just a book for those committed to being the best possible parents they can be. Parenting From the Inside Out is for anyone committed to a continued and deeper understanding of the human phsyche.” – Michele Pheiffer, mother and actress
Pursuit of Comfort
November 8, 2007 by Ellen C. Braun
Filed under Communication, Controversial Parenting Styles, Disciplining Children, Emotional Development, Values & Ethics
One of the greatest fallacies of our time is the mistaken social rule that “happiness means being comfortable”.
When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?
Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.
Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.
Yet, it behooves us to ask:
What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?
On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.
However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.
The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.
Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.
Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)
We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.
There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!
Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!
So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.
The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.
Or the timing may not be quire right.
You be the judge.
Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!
