“Who wants to be an emotional millionaire?”

Happy. Sad.

Most youngsters can recognize these feelings from a very early age.

However, what about the myriad of other feelings that pop up within our hearts?

Anger. Loneliness. Excitement. Jealousy. Worry. Disappointment. Anticipation

The ability to express and recognize our emotions has a tremendous impact on our lives.

Our ability to communicate with others is vastly improved; which, in turn, will boost our social and professional life.

Recognition of our feelings helps us cope with the inevitable bumps in the road we call ‘life’.

One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.

Emotional vocabulary is the first step:

- Matching facial expressions with emotions beyond the standard ‘sad’ and ‘happy’. Example: Now Mom looks angry; Dad looks surprised. The ability to identify and name the emotion gives the chld ownership of the feeling, which will help her cope with it when the time comes.

Identifying emotional expressions is the second step:

- In addition to facial expressions, body language can communicate a feeling. Actions and words also convey emotions. When a child can connect a specific emotion to specific gestures or actions, he can better understand what other people are feeling. Example: When Mom is pacing with the phone, she is busy; if Dad is raising his voice, he is feeling angry.

Understanding the causes and effects of emotions is the third step:

- As parents, we often strive to teach our children natural causes. If you forget your homework at home, the teacher will be disappointed. If you place your glass at the edge of the table, it is likely to spill. Similarly, there are emotional rules: Jealousy always has a source; disappointment can be traced to a specific cause. Example: Because I wasn’t careful with the appliance, it broke and I am upset. Or, as a result of my persistence in a certain endeavor, I have accomplished a lot and feel proud of myself.

Helpful hints:

Make it a habit to identify emotions by name:

“Oh, my, you must be livid that Mom went shopping without you!”

“You seem to be feeling satisfied.”

“You can’t decide which one to choose? Sometimes I also feel undecided.”

“I was so worried when the carpool did not bring you home. Were you worried while you were waiting for such a long time?”

Keep in mind:

Our job as parents is not to ensure our children’s happiness.

Rather, our role is to provide our children with the tools that they need to deal life’s ups and downs.

By teaching our children the language of emotions, and sharpening their awareness of feelings, we will help them cope with whatever curve balls life may throw, and better relate to those around them.

“Ouch!” Change is Uncomfortable!

Take the time to take a good hard look at where you are today, and where you want to be in the future.

You are here, yet you want to be there. Your children are here, and you’d like to guide them there.

What is stopping you from being in your ideal situation right now? Whether you want to lose weight, stop yelling at your children, find Mr. Right, or leave Mr. Wrong, you keep looking at a goal that you have not yet achieved.

Let’s explore why not.

Try this experiment: Simply fold your arms across your chest. Notice which arm is above the other, where your hands touch your elbows, and how effortlessly you were able to position your arms.

Now, it is time for the change: Uncross your arms, and re-fold them across your chest, this time the opposite way. That’s correct, if your right arm crossed over the center of your left arm, then place your left arm above the right. And vice versa.

I have seen rooms filled with people laughing and twisting their arms in awkward directions, in an attempt to fold their arms in the opposite manner!

If changing the way in which you cross your arms is an uncomfortable, unnatural process, we can glean some wisdom as to the dynamics of human beings experiencing change.

Staying in the same position is more comfortable than changing positions. Thus, we can find marathon runners who use the remote control to switch the channels, instead of walking across the room. They do not dislike walking; they simply want to remain comfortable.

Therein lies the secret of achievement; the ability to acknowledge and understand that the changes you will undergo will be uncomfortable. Denying yourself the usual chocolate treats, in order to reach your ideal size, is not a pleasant sensation for your taste buds. Forgoing a shopping trip in order to spend the afternoon with your child, may not be as relaxing a way to spend your free time. Taking a deep breath and counting to ten after your child’s explosion will require genuine emotional fortitude, instead of blowing up in the manner of the old habit.

When you understand that making changes will involve some discomfort, even some pain, and you are ready to embrace the positive long-term changes along with the negative short-term changes, then you become unstoppable.

It is not education, socio-economic status, gender, nor ethnicity which will propel you towards success. Your dreams, and ultimately your children’s dreams, will be realized because of your newfound perspective. It is the courage in your heart to overlook the heavy weight of the boxes you are carrying that will move you towards your goals, since you know that there are diamonds to be found within them.

Go ahead and begin a change in your life. Write it down, and share the goal with your friends. Embrace the discomfort, cross your arms, and proceed resolutely towards success.

And when you achieve your goal, and meet someone on the road to making changes, ask them to cross their arms, and inspire them with the courage to succeed!

“How Do You Love Me?”

“I love you.”

They are the three sweetest words in our language; wonderful, special words. Yet, the interpretation of these words can be just as distinctive as our fingerprints.

Pronouncing the phrase “I love you” may be the equivalent of physical affection for you, while your child may be one who shies away from hugs and kisses.

Does that mean that there is a lack of love in your child’s heart?

No!

Your child may have another way of manifesting his love; perhaps his method of expressing affecting is giving gifts.

Imagine… that you have temporarily forgotten your native language, and your primary language has suddenly become foreign to your family- yet it contains the exact same words- albeit with different meanings! Each time your spouse requests a spoon, you hand him a hammer. When you are asked to be at 4^th Street at 3:00 you process the request in your newfangled language and wait at the corner of 13^th Avenue at 6:00.

What a mess!

Yet, if we do not take the time and emotional energy to understand our children’s language of love, a similar mess can ensue!

When we constantly give our children love in our language… they may be on the receiving end of a proverbial “hammer” instead of a “spoon”!

How can we know that the deep and profound love that we feel and express toward our children is actually reaching them?

The enlightening book, The Five Love Languages of Children, (available on Amazon or ebay) expounds on five distinct manners of expressing love. Oftentimes, members of the same family have vastly different love languages. Understanding and appreciating our children’s unique method of giving and receiving love will greatly enhance our relationship and their ability to truly feel understood and confident.

Some people seem to have 2 or more of the five characteristics, and although everyone can relate to each of the 5, there is generally one particular ‘language of love’ that really resonates with each personality.

I’ll summarize the five languages below; although my description is a drop in the bucket of what you will gain from actually reading this terrific book!

Does your child crave time alone with you and become disappointed when special time together is missed? Some children’s primary method of expressing love is by spending quality time with their loved one. Being rushed is seen as being insulted. It is essential to spend a lot of focused time with a child like this, because this is how love is internalized in their hearts.

Do you have a child that often requests rewards and just as often gives away all kinds of homemade gifts? Your child’s primary language is likely to be gift-giving- for these children giving and receiving physical items are their primary method of expressing love.

“Did I do a good job on this project?” – If you hear requests for feedback on a regular basis, your child’s main language of love is probably positive affirmations. It is through verbal strokes of his ego, complements, and sweet words of praise that this child articulates and accepts his love.

Someone whose primary love language is acts of service will view making the bed, running an errand, or taking out the trash as far more than a mundane favor. For this person, love is expressed in actions, and doing equals loving.

Do you have a child who is exceptionally cuddly? Physical affection is her language of love, where hugs, kisses, and caresses are more meaningful than any other method of expressing love.

In summary, it is so easy to be too busy to discover our children’s unique language of love- and thus spend their youth doling out power tools while their small souls are actually craving cutlery!

As a bonus, there is a chapter about understanding your spouse’s love language, which is just as important in building your healthy and loving family.

Take the time to read this enjoyable and informative book- I promise, you’ll love it!

And happy loving

I Want To Scream!

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I get so mad at my kids! Yesterday, we were getting ready for a family reunion that our family will be hosting next week. My thirteen-year-old daughter suggested that we create place cards and matching centerpieces for the party. Although this will be an informal affair held in our backyard and I felt the cards to be unnecessary, I could see that this was important to her, so I told her that this was a fantastic idea and drove her to the craft store to purchase supplies.

Then my sixteen-year-old son informed her that the decorations and place cards were a “dumb idea”. It infuriates me when he teases his sister, and I calmly told him that if he has nothing nice to say he should not say anything at all.

Naturally, my daughter was insulted; and she then proceeded to throw all the colored papers, pipe-cleaners, ribbons, and the rest of the craft supplies around the living room and stomp upstairs in a huff.

Then I lost it… after all, I had just been defending my daughter and she made my living room’s atmosphere into a physical and emotional mess! I started screaming at both of my children, which quickly escalated into a major shouting match.

My daughter said that she hates her family and will not attend the party. My son complained that nobody cares about him or ever asks for his opinion about how things should be.

This is when my husband entered the house, and he looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and anger and asked me what on earth was going on.

I just want to scream! And this is not a lone incident in my family… what should I do? Please help!

From,

Ready-to-Scream

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ready to Scream,

First of all, please prepare a cup of your favorite coffee or tea, turn on a CD of soothing music, and make yourself comfortable on the couch.

Now, let’s backtrack a bit, and see what precisely went wrong.

The fist problem was that your son made an offensive comment to your daughter.

You sympathized with your daughter and thus reprehended your son, which, in retrospect, did not fix anything. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that criticizing the insulter does not ease anyone’s pain.

What could have been done differently?

Your children are mature enough to handle their own communications without your intervention. If you hadn’t gotten involved, your daughter may have told her brother to mind his own business and that perhaps that would have been the end of it.

If your daughter had good communication skills, she could have told him that she did appreciation being spoken to in that manner.

If she had advanced communication skills, she could have sandwiched her critique between two positive comments, such as; “Thank you for sharing your opinion. I’d like it if you’d speak to me in a nicer manner, but I want to know why you think the decorations are a stupid idea.”

Where would your daughter have learned such excellent communication skills? From you! If you had intervened in their youth using the sandwich method of good news, bad news, good news, then they would have grown up knowing how to do it.

Assuming that you did not model a helpful method of rebuke, don’t worry, it’s never too late.

In place of a helpful criticism, however, you gave a hurtful retort to your son. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that we handle criticism with criticism. Thus, it is not a surprise that your daughter reacted by escalating the anger and resentment. Obviously, that is not a lesson you want to consciously impart to your children.

Let’s examine some ways to express negative emotions in a healthy and safe way.

Your children are going to learn how to communicate effectively by being taught by your words and actions. When you model how to handle disappointment and anger in a calm and healthy manner, your children will learn these essential life skills.

Although your husband entered the scene at the end of the situation, he appears to be contributing to the negative style of communication by reacting with anger rather than offering support and empathy.

When you are able to handle disrespect with respect, and insults with calmness, your children will be influenced to communicate in an effective and positive manner.

What would have been a good reaction to your son’s nasty “that’s a stupid idea?”

In a calm and collected ton, you could have responded, “Oh, is there something that is bothering you about your sister’s party decorations?” By demonstrating interest in his point of view, you have the upper hand to then offer constructive criticism such as, “What would be a more effective way to tell your sister how you feel about the place cards?”

If you are ever unsure how to respond in the heat of the moment, simply think about the sandwich method- you can’t go too wrong using it! Good comment, bad comment, and another good comment.

Good luck! (We all need it!)

Put Yourself in His Shoes!

A wise educator once compared a child’s distress over a lost toy to the anguish that an entrepreneur feels regarding a failed investment.

He specified that taking away a block of wood that a child is floating in the bathtub as a pretend boat is akin to a merchant’s ship sinking at sea.

The businessman’s inventory and sea vessel are doubtless worth millions of times more than the splintered piece of wood that your son calls a boat; yet their loss is extremely painful respective to their owners.

Imagine that you received a brand new Lexus as an inheritance this morning, and during lunchtime your neighbor asks if she can borrow your new car for an out-of-town trip.

What would your reaction be?

How would you feel if you were directed to share the shiny Lexus with a voice from above that said, “Please share your new stuff with your neighbor!”

Now, are you happy to share the car, or do you feel resentful to be giving up control of your new vehicle so soon?

Here’s a more realistic slice of life: Imagine that your eight-year-old daughter, Katie, was just the recipient of a new ten-speed bicycle, and your seven-year-old son, Dan, asks her to borrow it for a ride around the block.

The very same emotions that ran through your veins as a result of your neighbor’s request to borrow the new Lexus are now coursing through Katie’s heart.

We’ll address the issue of sharing in a future article; the point here is to empathize and understand your child’s point of view and reactions, by comparing your own personal life experiences.

Did you have any friends that were unlucky tech-stock investors during the dot-com crash of 1999? When the market plummeted, did you say to your friend whose multi-million dollar portfolio was nearly worthless, “Oh, don’t worry about it, the market will climb back up, would you snap out of the dumps already!”

The anguish of a failed adult investor is comparable to a child’s lost pencil-case or stuffed animal.

To your daughter, that teddy bear had the same meaning that stock portfolio had to your friend.

Little things, tiny incidents, and petty issues- they only seem inconsequential to us. For children, the small matters are truly “big stuff”.

With this understanding in mind, we can develop a stronger connection to our children, by empathizing with genuine consideration that their little world isn’t so little after all!

Children are acutely sensitive to their parents’ feelings, and will intuitively know when you are truly sympathetic to their concern. By taking a step back, and comparing the small events in your child’s life with the grand events in your adult life, you can further build a secure and loving relationship together.

Modeling as a Way of Life

“Do as I say and not as I do.”

That hypocritical concept is unquestionably one of the most ineffective methods of education.

Children see, and children do.

Children instinctively model the behavior of those around them, thereby developing physical, emotional, and mental skills.

On occasion, it can be difficult to have faith in the long-range effectiveness of setting a good example. Oftentimes, it is far more tempting to lecture (perhaps with a shout or a couple of bangs for added emphasis!) in order to obtain the desired behavior.

While instruction and lectures do have their place, our children are far more likely to internalize and follow through with the conduct that has been modeled by those close to them than that which has been taught through philosophical speeches.

Here are a few bites of food for thought:

1) I’d like my child to speak politely.

Hint: Does my child overhear a courteous and pleasant tone of voice when listening to my conversations- even if (or, especially if!) I’m speaking to someone else?

Don’t: Say, “Susie speak nicely to Taylor.” and then turn to your spouse and exclaim, “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!!!???”

2) I’d like my child to possess a wholesome sense of truth and integrity.

Hint: Watch out for little white lies in everyday dialogue.

Don’t: When your daughter informs you that your mother-in-law is on the phone, do not fib, “Oh, tell her I went out for the evening.” Instead, deal with the situation with the integrity you wish to convey and say, “Please tell her I’m not available for the phone right now.”

3) I’d like my child to value family relationships.

Hint: Be aware of the messages you are sending through your preferences and values. Even though there may be some family members that invariably rub you the wrong way, try your best to maintain an upbeat and positive attitude towards family gatherings.

Don’t: Say; “Oh, I wish I could just stay home and watch the game, but Grandma would be so mad if we’d miss Uncle Bob’s wedding.” Your child is much more likely to have strong family ties if you express enjoyment regarding family get-togethers, rather than annoyance or impatience.

4) I want my child to use words, rather than fists, to deal with frustrating situations.

Hint: Be aware of the manner in which you react to challenges!

Don’t: Bang and curse the fax machine when a paper jam occurs; take a few deep breaths, count to ten (or a thousand- if necessary!) and reach into your heart for the superhuman strength to will yourself into staying calm!

~~~~~~~~

Every interaction, each new situation, is an opportunity to quietly and effectively model desirable behavior towards our youth.

This trickle-down manner of parenting, like water dripping on a stone, will, over time, leave a lasting and permanent impression on our children.

P.S. Terrific reads to further enhance your repertoire of parenting skills that I highly recommend!

Planting Small Souls

Raising children is arguably one of the most complex and profound challenges that we face. From the innocent days of infancy through the complicated chaos of the teenage years, childrearing is fraught with questions and uncertainty.

Like a freshly germinating seed, each newborn requires a certain set of conditions to thrive. Tender, loving care, understanding and patience are some of the basics. Just as some varieties of foliage crave more sun and water than others, so too do our children have different needs. Even siblings born of the same parents can be found to have diverse temperaments and emotional requirements.

When a child is born and when a seed is planted a profound process has begun. A flower will not bloom faster by watering it more often or exposing it to additional sunlight. Neither a child’s nor a plant’s development can be rushed; patience is essential as we tend to the fledgling souls.

A story is told of a space shuttle mission to Mars that was cancelled at the last moment. Politicians were furious to learn that the cancellation was due to an error in the direction of the rocket of one-millionth of an inch! “For such a miniscule amount, the entire mission had to be cancelled?!”

The wise astronauts answered, “Although the difference from the correct course is only a millionth of an inch here on Earth, in space the distance will be magnified exponentially. Had we proceeded with this launching, the shuttle would not have reached Mars- it would have landed on Jupiter!”

And although a small difference in our attitude towards integrity, responsibility, or patience may seem relatively insignificant in our everyday lives, the shifts will be magnified with each future generation within our family.

Although you may be in the midst of a hot, long, tiring day, when you take that superhuman deep breath and respond with patience- rather than anger- to your child’s clumsiness, a more tranquil and emotionally secure home will await you and your family for generations to come.

Waking up several minutes earlier may seem like a small change in your present schedule, yet the effect of calm and happy mornings will linger beyond the visible day-to-day outcome of that change.

So, give yourself a hearty pat on the back for the seemingly small things- which are can have momentous effects on your child’s happiness and confidence.

As trees and children mature, the weather will change and a serene sunny day may suddenly be replaced by a dark and stormy night. What was effective yesterday may no longer be adequate today, and we parents search for answers anew amid the changing circumstances.

Parenting, like planting, is a journey- not a destination. Let’s go down the road together and strengthen one another with insightful tips and advice.

Do share the ideas that have born fruit as you raise your small souls!

Five Tips to Kick Start Your Child’s Self Esteem

If there is one attribute that can change the outcome of a child’s life, I would have to define that as self-esteem.

Low self-esteem can take a youngster to unsavory relationships and achievement far below his or her potential, while a healthy level of confidence will guide a child to shine in so many aspects of life.

Several ideas are presented here, that you can use as a template for a curriculum to aid your child in developing his self-esteem. With that in mind, view the following suggestions as you would look at a spread of food in a cafeteria: take what appeals to you and leave the rest behind for consideration at another time.

1) Accepting Myself: My family, my strengths and weaknesses, my unique situation… My talents and my failings all serve to make me the special person that I am. Nobody is without flaws or regrets; what I do with my capabilities from now on is what is important.

2) Decision-Making: Children need guidance in making their own decisions and handling the consequences of both the good and bad decisions that have been made. It is important for them to understand instant-gratification versus long-range benefits in the bigger picture. The ability to delay immediate gain for a future yield is a sign of maturity that will boost a youngster’s self-esteem tremendously.

3) The need for help: Children can’t find all the answers on their own. A parent, teacher, grandparent, or neighbor can be an instrumental mentor to aid a child’s development in a myriad of ways. Asking for help is a a healthy sign of desire for growth, not a weakness.

4) Goal-Setting: The ability to establish and meet reasonable goals that are challenging yet achievable will be a superb springboard to longer-term aspirations. Successfully meeting a challenge encourages a person to take on further projects and strive beyond what he has already done.

5) Time-Management Skills: Despite the many time-saving appliances that fill our homes, we are busier than ever before! Learning to realistically prioritize tasks and projects is a skill that will keep overwhelming feelings at bay and serve your children well for years to come.

Use this list as a springboard for other ideas that come to mind as you broach these subjects with your child. A two-year-old will learn delayed gratification by being rewarded after the blocks have been cleaned, while a teenager will internalize the same lesson by shoveling snow to earn her new ipod. The lessons are timeless life-skills that will enable your child to handle the complicated time of growing up more effectively.

For further reading regarding your son or daughter’s self esteem, I recommend “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys” if you are a parent of a son, and “Reviving Ophelia: Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls” if you are a parent of a girl.

Touch Hunger

Perhaps the most effective way to determine the value of an idea is to determine the negative effects that occur when that concept is missing.

Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.

Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!

For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.

Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.

My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!

My Buddy and Me

Perhaps it all began in the latter half of the 20^th century when a new trend in parenting spread amongst those who were fairly new in their “careers” as parents. Establishing one’s role as a parental figure in the early stages of a child’s development is no easy task and the additional weight of societal and social influences does not simplify it for anyone.

Most of the time we blame the media for manipulating our choices, while other times we hold our family and friends responsible. And then there are times when it is the popularity of a certain toy or doll that may affect our judgment calls as parents. Remember the once popular, adorable and charming doll, My Buddy? Little boys everywhere were begging for “a buddy” and the term “my buddy” seemed to have left an indelible impression on a large majority of the American parent body.

Many of us outgrew our use for what had become old-fashioned terms of endearment between parents and children. Expressions like, “dear boy”, “sweet child” or “little one” appeared to have lost their effectiveness in communicating the message of love between parent and child. Maybe the younger generation of parents were too cool or too hip to use such stuffy language or maybe the phrase “My Buddy and Me”, intended to convey a kinship between a child and his doll, hit a mark that would change the face of parenthood forever.

In reality, are our offspring really our friends? Did we live our own lives, go through our own school years and form our own social circles to become in our thirties and forties, or even our fifties, buddies with our five and six year olds? Let’s delve into this question a little further by asking ourselves two more questions. Firstly, what are the results (or repercussions) of forging a friendship with our child as opposed to creating a positive parent -child relationship? Secondly, what does the title of parent compel us to be, a friend or a role model?

When our children are young and we very much matter in their lives, we seem to crave and desire this idea that one day they’ll be our best friends. Whether this is a new societal trend or a fulfillment of some insecurity within us, or both, we begin to form friendships rather than relationships by using phrases like “hey, buddy” or “great job, Pal”. In essence, what we really are doing is relaying a message to our son (or daughter) that he is included in our social circle. We may scoff at this notion now but as our children grow up and they hear about our “poker pals” and our “drinking buddies” can they differentiate themselves from Dads (or Moms) real friends if they too are Dad’s buddies?

What happens to the boundaries that are supposed to exist between parents and their children? We expect our children to be disciplined and learn to respect and honor us, yet we dub them buddies and pals. We know all too well as adults, that candor and casualness between friends is normal if not sought after. We don’t want our friendships to be stiff and formal so we use adult jokes, language and innuendos to make it fun. When we call our kids buddies, we are in effect inviting them into a world that lacks restrictions and formality. We cannot possibly expect them to talk and act respectfully toward us unless we have clearly established that there are boundaries between us and them. Creating positive, loving and long- lasting relationships with our children begins with how we talk to them and how we teach them to talk to us. How they perceive us is how they will react to us.

So are we as parents meant to capture our children’s hearts by being their buddies, pals, friends etc. or do we have a higher, more powerful calling?

We tend to spend a lot of our time trying to please our children. “Hey, Buddy, did you have a good time?” “Are you having fun, Pal?” By constantly asking such questions, we are not only undermining our authority over our kids but we are actually begging them to like us. As much as we hope that our kids love us in return for the unconditional love we shower upon them, our children do not have to like us. Our real friends and buddies have to like us but our children do not.

We were not given our role as parents to be our children’s friends. We as their parents have the responsibility of helping them grow up to be well-functioning and productive people in society. We are supposed to be role models who teach them how to communicate with others and how to build healthy relationships with those around them. To do so requires love, discipline, fortitude and authority.

Our children may “hate” us in the process but if our true goal is to raise healthy minded individuals who are capable of loving and giving back, then they will not only love and respect us but one day they will thank us for being their parent and not their “buddy”.

Smoother Transitions

Pretend for a moment that it is midnight.  Or is it?

Suddenly, all of the clocks in your home have become dysfunctional.  Every timepiece has broken; even your computer and cell phone are displaying error messages instead of the correct time.

Minutes and hours are marching onward, yet you have no idea how many have passed.  Is it time to eat?  Is it time to leave?  Is it time to expect your loved one’s return, or is there more time to wait?  Without an effective timepiece, you simply have no idea!

This bizarre existence is reality for our children.

A youngster has no idea when a minute begins or an hour ends.  To a child that cannot tell time, the difference between a day and a week is difficult to describe.

It is helpful to explain to a children what a minute is by demonstrating a familiar task that takes that long.  For example:  It takes one minute to walk from our home to the Smith’s house.  Five minutes is how much time it takes to sweep the kitchen and hallway.  (Now the little prince or princess has something useful to do when you say, “wait five minutes!”)

Once a child has a basic understanding of time, smoother transitions between activities will occur when he has warning that the task at hand is about to end.  Saying, “In two minutes we have to leave the playground!” will give your son  the ability to mentally wind down from the current activity.

Just as you would not want your spouse to suddenly interrupt your reading and say, “We have to leave right now”- your child also requires advance warning in order to facilitate a smoother transition from one activity to the next.

Despite the fact that the youngster is not the individual who is creating the schedule, the knowledge that the project at hand is going to be replaced by another task will give enable her be emotionally prepared for the change.

As we go about our busy days as well as the more relaxing periods of time with our children, let’s remember to take the time to verbally prepare them for whatever is coming next.

Here’s to happier and smoother transitions throughout the day!

Expectations- Are They Realistic?

Fast-forward 2, 5, or even 20 years.

Graduation caps are flying through the air as celebratory sounds of “Congratulations!” fill the air.

Your beloved child has just graduated from college, a shining moment in your parenting journey.

“Wow, the past 2 decades have been so easy!” you marvel to your friend. “Piece of cake, raising my sweetheart; childrearing is just so incredibly simple!”

{Extended pause for laughter here}

The truth is that nobody ever said that raising children is an easy feat. Far from it- childrearing is one of life’s most monumental tasks- and the baby is delivered without an instruction manual!

Yet some of the inevitable pressures and disappointments that accompany the raising of our small souls can be diminished by adjusting the outlook we have towards our child’s future.

Take a look through the following statements. Is it fair to guess that you agree with the majority of them?

* I would like my child to get good grades in school.

* I’d like to see my child graduate from a prestigious university.

* I would like my child to become financially successful.

* I want my child to marry well and have a happy life.

* I’d like my child to make a difference in the world.

* I want my child to have integrity, compassion, and patience.

We have a whole bunch of wishes up our sleeves, don’t we, parents?!

Let’s take a step back from the admirable list of dreams and study the realism (or lack of thereof) in all of our desires.

No doubt, many of our children will be fortunate enough to achieve all those wonderful dreams, yet, the list begs this question: Was the list compiled based on a parent’s goals- or was there a connection to this particular child’s abilities?

Disappointments and strained relationships can be traced back to one thing- in 99% of all cases: Unrealized expectations.

The reason that most of us can have a wonderful day after realizing that we have just lost the state lottery, whereas many of us would have a disappointing day after our child has gotten into some trouble is because of the expectation factor. We never expected to win the lottery in the first place, so our losing numbers are not a source of frustration. Yet, we did expect our child to behave appropriately at all times, and the youngster’s lack of decorum did not meet our expectation- and resulting disappointment is the mathematical outcome of an unrealized expectation.

As any expert or self-help book will profess, a person’s achievements are based upon his will, drive, and perseverance. Yet, the connection between the will of an individual and his accomplishments must be based on the reality of his abilities- not the reality of his parent’s ardent dreams.

Recently, I heard about a man who had reading trouble as a child, and unfortunately, cannot read properly to this day. “My parents offered me prizes and money so that I would improve my reading skills, however it was like offering me an incentive to grow a foot taller. There was no lack of motivation on my part, there was simply a genuine lack of ability.” (Thankfully, today, there are so many more resources to deal with reading challenges.)

Some parents feel that setting realistic challenges can thwart their child’s growth, because they feel that low expectations and the ensuing low performance can have a negative reflection on them.

Therein lays our greatest challenge- to objectively set realistic goals that are tailored toward our child’s abilities and inclinations- not to our egos. Expectations that are overly high can set a child up for failure, while expectations that are too low can cause a child to stagnate her growth.

After a relatively small expectation has been met, it is generally appropriate to raise the bar and establish a slightly higher challenge. This is also an ideal time to praise and reward the child for her prior accomplishment, thereby motivating the youngster to continue in the desire to achieve more.

The old cliché, “When there’s a will there’s a way” holds truth and promise- as long as we get to know our child and set up realistic expectations.

Wishing all of us much pride and joy resulting from our children’s accomplishments!

« Previous Page — Next Page »