Parents – 12 Holiday Tips For Balance, Harmony, and Joy

Joan Celebi is the Special Needs Parent Coach, helping you conquer the chaos and create a more manageable, balanced life. Get her FREE “Guide to the Ten Essentials of Balance and Harmony,” and her FREE newsletter with tips and strategies for balanced living — all for parents of children with special needs — at www.SpecialNeedsParentCoach.com

Progress, not Perfection

Progress, not Perfection

Yesterday I noticed a bumper sticker in my dentist’s parking lot which read, “Progress, not perfection.”

Hundreds of examples of how to apply that motto to childrearing rushed through my head as I made my way past that shiny sedan.

Although most of those ideas flew right out of my brain by the time I got to the keyboard, I’m happy to be able to share what I can recall;)

Have you ever heard that if Christopher Columbus had invested one cent into a fund that yielded compound interest in 1492, that account would now be worth over $95 billion?

The moral, in this case, is obviously that ‘baby steps’ work.

Just because you can’t change the world (or yourself, or your spouse, or your child) does not mean that you ought not make the incremental changes that can accomplish a tremendous amount.

Let’s take a simple example of a positive family change:

“I will stop raising my voice in my communication with my children.”

What a wonderful, commendable resolution that is.

Realistically, it may last for two days, two weeks, or perhaps two months if we are particularly soft-tempered!

The general pattern of events is that certain levels of frustration result in shouting, which, in turn, will result in giving up on the above-mentioned resolution.

A roughly translated quote from an ancient sage reads, “He who grabs all is left with none.”

How aptly that describes our typical involvement in effecting positive changes.

As humans, we tend to reach for the stars. Thus, our failure to achieve those fantastic expectations results in discouragement.

Let’s try a new strategy, a strategy of progress.

How differently would the atmosphere my household radiate if I cut down on the number of times I raise my voice- without altogether pledging to eliminate any and all shouting?

Like Columbus’s proverbial penny, little changes add up to great transformations.

A small, positive shift in our behavior is likely to create a pleasant ripple of change through our family life.

Find two or three minutes of solitude, and ask yourself this: What can I do to make my child’s life a better one?

Additional quality time, more patience during mealtime, taking up a joint hobby, reading a book together- are just a few of the ideas that suddenly come to mind.

Figure out the concept that will work best for you and your child, and commit yourself to create progress- not perfection!

Happy parenting- the job where perfection is always elusive!

Here’s a terrific and thought-provoking book:

Parenting From the Inside Out “This is not just a book for those committed to being the best possible parents they can be.  Parenting From the Inside Out is for anyone committed to a continued and deeper understanding of the human phsyche.”  – Michele Pheiffer, mother and actress

Pursuit of Comfort

One of the greatest fallacies of our time is the mistaken social rule that “happiness means being comfortable”.

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

“Who wants to be an emotional millionaire?”

Happy. Sad.

Most youngsters can recognize these feelings from a very early age.

However, what about the myriad of other feelings that pop up within our hearts?

Anger. Loneliness. Excitement. Jealousy. Worry. Disappointment. Anticipation

The ability to express and recognize our emotions has a tremendous impact on our lives.

Our ability to communicate with others is vastly improved; which, in turn, will boost our social and professional life.

Recognition of our feelings helps us cope with the inevitable bumps in the road we call ‘life’.

One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.

Emotional vocabulary is the first step:

- Matching facial expressions with emotions beyond the standard ‘sad’ and ‘happy’. Example: Now Mom looks angry; Dad looks surprised. The ability to identify and name the emotion gives the chld ownership of the feeling, which will help her cope with it when the time comes.

Identifying emotional expressions is the second step:

- In addition to facial expressions, body language can communicate a feeling. Actions and words also convey emotions. When a child can connect a specific emotion to specific gestures or actions, he can better understand what other people are feeling. Example: When Mom is pacing with the phone, she is busy; if Dad is raising his voice, he is feeling angry.

Understanding the causes and effects of emotions is the third step:

- As parents, we often strive to teach our children natural causes. If you forget your homework at home, the teacher will be disappointed. If you place your glass at the edge of the table, it is likely to spill. Similarly, there are emotional rules: Jealousy always has a source; disappointment can be traced to a specific cause. Example: Because I wasn’t careful with the appliance, it broke and I am upset. Or, as a result of my persistence in a certain endeavor, I have accomplished a lot and feel proud of myself.

Helpful hints:

Make it a habit to identify emotions by name:

“Oh, my, you must be livid that Mom went shopping without you!”

“You seem to be feeling satisfied.”

“You can’t decide which one to choose? Sometimes I also feel undecided.”

“I was so worried when the carpool did not bring you home. Were you worried while you were waiting for such a long time?”

Keep in mind:

Our job as parents is not to ensure our children’s happiness.

Rather, our role is to provide our children with the tools that they need to deal life’s ups and downs.

By teaching our children the language of emotions, and sharpening their awareness of feelings, we will help them cope with whatever curve balls life may throw, and better relate to those around them.

Juggling!

Every busy parent knows that life is a continuous juggling act in the midst of a three-ring-circus.  Trust me, I have three little boys, each of whom manages to demand, perform, and behave in excess of a Barnum and Bailey show!

Every day you pack enough sandwiches and cook sufficient food to feed small third-world-country.  When you take time off from the office, two people are hired to replace you.  You do homework, go to soccer practice, and participate in class trips to the zoo.  You call your mother and mother-in-law regularly and stay in contact with the kids’ teachers and carpool drivers. 

You are the tooth fairy, nurse, waitress, chef, secretary, housekeeper, chauffer, therapist, personal shopper, guidance counselor, coach, and entertainer all wrapped into one extraordinarily busy person. 

How do you juggle the wide variety of tasks that must be accomplished?  What is the secret to staying sane while keeping all the balls up in the air?

The answer is to simply shoot your image of superwoman, and realize that she is nothing but a fantasy.  Nobody, that’s right, nobody can have it all.  If you want to enroll your children in a lot of activities, you will not cook healthy gourmet dinners each evening.  If you want to treat yourself to a well-deserved good book and bar of chocolate each evening, you will not have all the laundry sorted by the end of each day.

Most of the balls we are constantly attempting to juggle are made of rubber.  There is no harm done in a rubber ball bouncing on occasion.  However, one ball is made of glass- the family ball.  The housekeeping and shopping can be put on hold.  The myriad of chores on your list will patiently wait for you to attend to them.  However, the people within your family need you now.  Your children will never be the exact same age they are today ever again.  You will never have another opportunity to enhance your relationship with those closest to you for this present day.

So, go ahead, and let some balls bounce.  We all have scattered rubber balls bouncing within our busy lives.  Relax; you can scoop them up later.  Now is the time to focus on your glass ball, the people in your home who need you most.  Don’t let the glass ball down, because it can shatter.  Keep on juggling… you can do it!

Reclaiming the Lost Art of Listening

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My good friend Sarah recently repeated this conversation to us, and we laughed until we could laugh no longer.

“Hi, how are you?” the next-door-neighbor asked Sarah.

“I’m dying, thank you,” Sarah replied in an even tone of voice.

“Great!” the neighbor responded heartily. “Do you want to come with me to the one-day-sale downtown?”

It’s a sad fact of modern living. I call it the lost art of listening. We have more ability to communicate than prior generations could have ever imagined. Yet we have less communication than ever.

I remember seeing my grandfather marvel at the awesome power of the fax machine about two decades ago. “He puts the paper inside of it in California, and it comes out here in New York!?” He exclaimed incredulously. Can you imagine what he would have thought of my cell phone with caller-ID, instant messaging, and pod casting?

The vast array of technological means of contacting others, regardless of their location, is absolutely incredible. One would imagine that relationships are strengthened, and more close friends are gained. However, the alarming statistics of divorce, low self-esteem, and loneliness tell another story. How is it possible, that in the twenty-first century, the art of communication is at an all-time low?

Perhaps the many facets that are available to us impede our level of focus. After all, how easy is it to have a conversation with your spouse while simultaneously answering the phone and responding to an instant message? In addition, the doorbell is ringing, incoming emails are beeping, and the TV is broadcasting!

Simply reading those sentences is sufficient to send my head spinning!

When the opportune time presents itself for a conversation, what are you doing? Do you have a habit of impatiently waiting for your child to finish his thoughts, so that you can add your words of wisdom? Perhaps you are looking at your watch in anticipation of the next appointment, catching up on your emails, and checking the list of missed calls on your cell phone.

The only constant within the field of communication is that it always takes two to tango. People will respond to the tone of your voice and the pace of your conversation by matching your manner of speech. Have you ever spoken with someone who has laryngitis, and noticed that you are whispering? We respond in kind to the way in which we are spoken.

As a result, when you change your method of communicating, the people with whom you relate will start to change their method of communication. Imagine if you became a better listener today, and several months down the road you influenced ten people to improve their listening techniques, who then proceeded to influence an additional ten people each…

(Once again, my head is spinning!)

We can resurrect the lost art of listening, and change the face of global communication today. Begin by listening with all your senses to your partner’s and children’s words. Imagine the scene he is describing and picture yourself in the situation he is outlining. Take the energy to put yourself in his shoes, and feel the emotions that he is expressing.

Then, take a moment to pause and reflect.

Are the words that jumped into your mind the response he would appreciate hearing, or the habitual response that you would appreciate saying?

If a personal thought such as, “I must pick up the suit at the cleaners before 7:00.” keeps popping to forefront of your mind, take a pen and write it down. This technique is known as ‘brain-dumping’ and that will free your mind to concentrate on the subject at hand with total focus.

Rest assured, that after practicing the above techniques several times, they become second nature. Choose a time, perhaps the time your spouse returns home from work, to practice daily, and tape the above paragraphs to your bathroom mirror. Your rewards will be richly deserved and soon in arriving: The next time you have a subject of importance to talk about, you will be conversing with an empathetic, understanding, and listening ear.

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“Ouch!” Change is Uncomfortable!

Take the time to take a good hard look at where you are today, and where you want to be in the future.

You are here, yet you want to be there. Your children are here, and you’d like to guide them there.

What is stopping you from being in your ideal situation right now? Whether you want to lose weight, stop yelling at your children, find Mr. Right, or leave Mr. Wrong, you keep looking at a goal that you have not yet achieved.

Let’s explore why not.

Try this experiment: Simply fold your arms across your chest. Notice which arm is above the other, where your hands touch your elbows, and how effortlessly you were able to position your arms.

Now, it is time for the change: Uncross your arms, and re-fold them across your chest, this time the opposite way. That’s correct, if your right arm crossed over the center of your left arm, then place your left arm above the right. And vice versa.

I have seen rooms filled with people laughing and twisting their arms in awkward directions, in an attempt to fold their arms in the opposite manner!

If changing the way in which you cross your arms is an uncomfortable, unnatural process, we can glean some wisdom as to the dynamics of human beings experiencing change.

Staying in the same position is more comfortable than changing positions. Thus, we can find marathon runners who use the remote control to switch the channels, instead of walking across the room. They do not dislike walking; they simply want to remain comfortable.

Therein lies the secret of achievement; the ability to acknowledge and understand that the changes you will undergo will be uncomfortable. Denying yourself the usual chocolate treats, in order to reach your ideal size, is not a pleasant sensation for your taste buds. Forgoing a shopping trip in order to spend the afternoon with your child, may not be as relaxing a way to spend your free time. Taking a deep breath and counting to ten after your child’s explosion will require genuine emotional fortitude, instead of blowing up in the manner of the old habit.

When you understand that making changes will involve some discomfort, even some pain, and you are ready to embrace the positive long-term changes along with the negative short-term changes, then you become unstoppable.

It is not education, socio-economic status, gender, nor ethnicity which will propel you towards success. Your dreams, and ultimately your children’s dreams, will be realized because of your newfound perspective. It is the courage in your heart to overlook the heavy weight of the boxes you are carrying that will move you towards your goals, since you know that there are diamonds to be found within them.

Go ahead and begin a change in your life. Write it down, and share the goal with your friends. Embrace the discomfort, cross your arms, and proceed resolutely towards success.

And when you achieve your goal, and meet someone on the road to making changes, ask them to cross their arms, and inspire them with the courage to succeed!

“How Do You Love Me?”

“I love you.”

They are the three sweetest words in our language; wonderful, special words. Yet, the interpretation of these words can be just as distinctive as our fingerprints.

Pronouncing the phrase “I love you” may be the equivalent of physical affection for you, while your child may be one who shies away from hugs and kisses.

Does that mean that there is a lack of love in your child’s heart?

No!

Your child may have another way of manifesting his love; perhaps his method of expressing affecting is giving gifts.

Imagine… that you have temporarily forgotten your native language, and your primary language has suddenly become foreign to your family- yet it contains the exact same words- albeit with different meanings! Each time your spouse requests a spoon, you hand him a hammer. When you are asked to be at 4^th Street at 3:00 you process the request in your newfangled language and wait at the corner of 13^th Avenue at 6:00.

What a mess!

Yet, if we do not take the time and emotional energy to understand our children’s language of love, a similar mess can ensue!

When we constantly give our children love in our language… they may be on the receiving end of a proverbial “hammer” instead of a “spoon”!

How can we know that the deep and profound love that we feel and express toward our children is actually reaching them?

The enlightening book, The Five Love Languages of Children, (available on Amazon or ebay) expounds on five distinct manners of expressing love. Oftentimes, members of the same family have vastly different love languages. Understanding and appreciating our children’s unique method of giving and receiving love will greatly enhance our relationship and their ability to truly feel understood and confident.

Some people seem to have 2 or more of the five characteristics, and although everyone can relate to each of the 5, there is generally one particular ‘language of love’ that really resonates with each personality.

I’ll summarize the five languages below; although my description is a drop in the bucket of what you will gain from actually reading this terrific book!

Does your child crave time alone with you and become disappointed when special time together is missed? Some children’s primary method of expressing love is by spending quality time with their loved one. Being rushed is seen as being insulted. It is essential to spend a lot of focused time with a child like this, because this is how love is internalized in their hearts.

Do you have a child that often requests rewards and just as often gives away all kinds of homemade gifts? Your child’s primary language is likely to be gift-giving- for these children giving and receiving physical items are their primary method of expressing love.

“Did I do a good job on this project?” – If you hear requests for feedback on a regular basis, your child’s main language of love is probably positive affirmations. It is through verbal strokes of his ego, complements, and sweet words of praise that this child articulates and accepts his love.

Someone whose primary love language is acts of service will view making the bed, running an errand, or taking out the trash as far more than a mundane favor. For this person, love is expressed in actions, and doing equals loving.

Do you have a child who is exceptionally cuddly? Physical affection is her language of love, where hugs, kisses, and caresses are more meaningful than any other method of expressing love.

In summary, it is so easy to be too busy to discover our children’s unique language of love- and thus spend their youth doling out power tools while their small souls are actually craving cutlery!

As a bonus, there is a chapter about understanding your spouse’s love language, which is just as important in building your healthy and loving family.

Take the time to read this enjoyable and informative book- I promise, you’ll love it!

And happy loving

Put Yourself in His Shoes!

A wise educator once compared a child’s distress over a lost toy to the anguish that an entrepreneur feels regarding a failed investment.

He specified that taking away a block of wood that a child is floating in the bathtub as a pretend boat is akin to a merchant’s ship sinking at sea.

The businessman’s inventory and sea vessel are doubtless worth millions of times more than the splintered piece of wood that your son calls a boat; yet their loss is extremely painful respective to their owners.

Imagine that you received a brand new Lexus as an inheritance this morning, and during lunchtime your neighbor asks if she can borrow your new car for an out-of-town trip.

What would your reaction be?

How would you feel if you were directed to share the shiny Lexus with a voice from above that said, “Please share your new stuff with your neighbor!”

Now, are you happy to share the car, or do you feel resentful to be giving up control of your new vehicle so soon?

Here’s a more realistic slice of life: Imagine that your eight-year-old daughter, Katie, was just the recipient of a new ten-speed bicycle, and your seven-year-old son, Dan, asks her to borrow it for a ride around the block.

The very same emotions that ran through your veins as a result of your neighbor’s request to borrow the new Lexus are now coursing through Katie’s heart.

We’ll address the issue of sharing in a future article; the point here is to empathize and understand your child’s point of view and reactions, by comparing your own personal life experiences.

Did you have any friends that were unlucky tech-stock investors during the dot-com crash of 1999? When the market plummeted, did you say to your friend whose multi-million dollar portfolio was nearly worthless, “Oh, don’t worry about it, the market will climb back up, would you snap out of the dumps already!”

The anguish of a failed adult investor is comparable to a child’s lost pencil-case or stuffed animal.

To your daughter, that teddy bear had the same meaning that stock portfolio had to your friend.

Little things, tiny incidents, and petty issues- they only seem inconsequential to us. For children, the small matters are truly “big stuff”.

With this understanding in mind, we can develop a stronger connection to our children, by empathizing with genuine consideration that their little world isn’t so little after all!

Children are acutely sensitive to their parents’ feelings, and will intuitively know when you are truly sympathetic to their concern. By taking a step back, and comparing the small events in your child’s life with the grand events in your adult life, you can further build a secure and loving relationship together.

Modeling as a Way of Life

“Do as I say and not as I do.”

That hypocritical concept is unquestionably one of the most ineffective methods of education.

Children see, and children do.

Children instinctively model the behavior of those around them, thereby developing physical, emotional, and mental skills.

On occasion, it can be difficult to have faith in the long-range effectiveness of setting a good example. Oftentimes, it is far more tempting to lecture (perhaps with a shout or a couple of bangs for added emphasis!) in order to obtain the desired behavior.

While instruction and lectures do have their place, our children are far more likely to internalize and follow through with the conduct that has been modeled by those close to them than that which has been taught through philosophical speeches.

Here are a few bites of food for thought:

1) I’d like my child to speak politely.

Hint: Does my child overhear a courteous and pleasant tone of voice when listening to my conversations- even if (or, especially if!) I’m speaking to someone else?

Don’t: Say, “Susie speak nicely to Taylor.” and then turn to your spouse and exclaim, “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!!!???”

2) I’d like my child to possess a wholesome sense of truth and integrity.

Hint: Watch out for little white lies in everyday dialogue.

Don’t: When your daughter informs you that your mother-in-law is on the phone, do not fib, “Oh, tell her I went out for the evening.” Instead, deal with the situation with the integrity you wish to convey and say, “Please tell her I’m not available for the phone right now.”

3) I’d like my child to value family relationships.

Hint: Be aware of the messages you are sending through your preferences and values. Even though there may be some family members that invariably rub you the wrong way, try your best to maintain an upbeat and positive attitude towards family gatherings.

Don’t: Say; “Oh, I wish I could just stay home and watch the game, but Grandma would be so mad if we’d miss Uncle Bob’s wedding.” Your child is much more likely to have strong family ties if you express enjoyment regarding family get-togethers, rather than annoyance or impatience.

4) I want my child to use words, rather than fists, to deal with frustrating situations.

Hint: Be aware of the manner in which you react to challenges!

Don’t: Bang and curse the fax machine when a paper jam occurs; take a few deep breaths, count to ten (or a thousand- if necessary!) and reach into your heart for the superhuman strength to will yourself into staying calm!

~~~~~~~~

Every interaction, each new situation, is an opportunity to quietly and effectively model desirable behavior towards our youth.

This trickle-down manner of parenting, like water dripping on a stone, will, over time, leave a lasting and permanent impression on our children.

P.S. Terrific reads to further enhance your repertoire of parenting skills that I highly recommend!

Planting Small Souls

Raising children is arguably one of the most complex and profound challenges that we face. From the innocent days of infancy through the complicated chaos of the teenage years, childrearing is fraught with questions and uncertainty.

Like a freshly germinating seed, each newborn requires a certain set of conditions to thrive. Tender, loving care, understanding and patience are some of the basics. Just as some varieties of foliage crave more sun and water than others, so too do our children have different needs. Even siblings born of the same parents can be found to have diverse temperaments and emotional requirements.

When a child is born and when a seed is planted a profound process has begun. A flower will not bloom faster by watering it more often or exposing it to additional sunlight. Neither a child’s nor a plant’s development can be rushed; patience is essential as we tend to the fledgling souls.

A story is told of a space shuttle mission to Mars that was cancelled at the last moment. Politicians were furious to learn that the cancellation was due to an error in the direction of the rocket of one-millionth of an inch! “For such a miniscule amount, the entire mission had to be cancelled?!”

The wise astronauts answered, “Although the difference from the correct course is only a millionth of an inch here on Earth, in space the distance will be magnified exponentially. Had we proceeded with this launching, the shuttle would not have reached Mars- it would have landed on Jupiter!”

And although a small difference in our attitude towards integrity, responsibility, or patience may seem relatively insignificant in our everyday lives, the shifts will be magnified with each future generation within our family.

Although you may be in the midst of a hot, long, tiring day, when you take that superhuman deep breath and respond with patience- rather than anger- to your child’s clumsiness, a more tranquil and emotionally secure home will await you and your family for generations to come.

Waking up several minutes earlier may seem like a small change in your present schedule, yet the effect of calm and happy mornings will linger beyond the visible day-to-day outcome of that change.

So, give yourself a hearty pat on the back for the seemingly small things- which are can have momentous effects on your child’s happiness and confidence.

As trees and children mature, the weather will change and a serene sunny day may suddenly be replaced by a dark and stormy night. What was effective yesterday may no longer be adequate today, and we parents search for answers anew amid the changing circumstances.

Parenting, like planting, is a journey- not a destination. Let’s go down the road together and strengthen one another with insightful tips and advice.

Do share the ideas that have born fruit as you raise your small souls!

My Buddy and Me

Perhaps it all began in the latter half of the 20^th century when a new trend in parenting spread amongst those who were fairly new in their “careers” as parents. Establishing one’s role as a parental figure in the early stages of a child’s development is no easy task and the additional weight of societal and social influences does not simplify it for anyone.

Most of the time we blame the media for manipulating our choices, while other times we hold our family and friends responsible. And then there are times when it is the popularity of a certain toy or doll that may affect our judgment calls as parents. Remember the once popular, adorable and charming doll, My Buddy? Little boys everywhere were begging for “a buddy” and the term “my buddy” seemed to have left an indelible impression on a large majority of the American parent body.

Many of us outgrew our use for what had become old-fashioned terms of endearment between parents and children. Expressions like, “dear boy”, “sweet child” or “little one” appeared to have lost their effectiveness in communicating the message of love between parent and child. Maybe the younger generation of parents were too cool or too hip to use such stuffy language or maybe the phrase “My Buddy and Me”, intended to convey a kinship between a child and his doll, hit a mark that would change the face of parenthood forever.

In reality, are our offspring really our friends? Did we live our own lives, go through our own school years and form our own social circles to become in our thirties and forties, or even our fifties, buddies with our five and six year olds? Let’s delve into this question a little further by asking ourselves two more questions. Firstly, what are the results (or repercussions) of forging a friendship with our child as opposed to creating a positive parent -child relationship? Secondly, what does the title of parent compel us to be, a friend or a role model?

When our children are young and we very much matter in their lives, we seem to crave and desire this idea that one day they’ll be our best friends. Whether this is a new societal trend or a fulfillment of some insecurity within us, or both, we begin to form friendships rather than relationships by using phrases like “hey, buddy” or “great job, Pal”. In essence, what we really are doing is relaying a message to our son (or daughter) that he is included in our social circle. We may scoff at this notion now but as our children grow up and they hear about our “poker pals” and our “drinking buddies” can they differentiate themselves from Dads (or Moms) real friends if they too are Dad’s buddies?

What happens to the boundaries that are supposed to exist between parents and their children? We expect our children to be disciplined and learn to respect and honor us, yet we dub them buddies and pals. We know all too well as adults, that candor and casualness between friends is normal if not sought after. We don’t want our friendships to be stiff and formal so we use adult jokes, language and innuendos to make it fun. When we call our kids buddies, we are in effect inviting them into a world that lacks restrictions and formality. We cannot possibly expect them to talk and act respectfully toward us unless we have clearly established that there are boundaries between us and them. Creating positive, loving and long- lasting relationships with our children begins with how we talk to them and how we teach them to talk to us. How they perceive us is how they will react to us.

So are we as parents meant to capture our children’s hearts by being their buddies, pals, friends etc. or do we have a higher, more powerful calling?

We tend to spend a lot of our time trying to please our children. “Hey, Buddy, did you have a good time?” “Are you having fun, Pal?” By constantly asking such questions, we are not only undermining our authority over our kids but we are actually begging them to like us. As much as we hope that our kids love us in return for the unconditional love we shower upon them, our children do not have to like us. Our real friends and buddies have to like us but our children do not.

We were not given our role as parents to be our children’s friends. We as their parents have the responsibility of helping them grow up to be well-functioning and productive people in society. We are supposed to be role models who teach them how to communicate with others and how to build healthy relationships with those around them. To do so requires love, discipline, fortitude and authority.

Our children may “hate” us in the process but if our true goal is to raise healthy minded individuals who are capable of loving and giving back, then they will not only love and respect us but one day they will thank us for being their parent and not their “buddy”.

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