Conflict Resolution and Sharing Toys

The rain has finally stopped here in  Cleveland and  we have had a few of days of sunshine. The sandbox in the park had a couple of days to dry up. My two younger children were itching to get themselves dirty.

My son took out the sand toys. There is one toy in particular that they have a hard time sharing. When he brought it out, I inwardly groaned, remembering all the fights the kids had over this particular pail that made a smiley face in the sand.

I thought that we need a plan and I quickly used some of the tips that I had just taught in my sibling class.

1. Name the problem:

Me: “Oh no! That smiley face pail always gives us problems. It is tough to share. Both of you always want that one first.”

2. Be positive and invite them to think of solutions:

Me:” I know we can think of a solution. I am sure if we put our heads together we can figure out how to share this toy.” Maybe we can think of some rules to help us share it.”
Sara: “I know we can each have it for 5 minutes”
Me to Mikey: “How will that work for you?”
Mikey: “No way I need more than 5 minutes!”

3. Offer choices:

Me to Mikey: Ok, you need more time than 5 minutes- how many minutes do you think you need? 5or 10 minutes?
Mikey:”10 minutes”
Me to Sara: “He needs ten minutes, will that work for you?”
Sara: “Yes.”

4. Name the problem again:

Me: “Ok, good we figured out how many minutes for each of you guys. Now the next problem is who is going to use it first. How should we figure that out?”
Sara: “He can go first, if you help me on the swings.”
Me: That sounds like a good plan. I can help you on the swings.

5. Praise children for a solution and reiterate the plan:

“I am so glad we figured out a solution. We really put our heads together. Mikey is going to go first with the sand pail while Sara and I play on the swings. After 10 minutes it will be Sara’s turn. Then after those 10 minutes we will switch again. Let’s get started!”

Crisis averted! Staying calm, positive and solution oriented is the trick to helping children to get along. To learn more on how to help your children get along buy our “How To Handle Sibling Rivalry Without Losing Your Mind”  audios.

Effective Parenting Questions

Internet Safety: Your Children and Social Networking Sites

Social media is of course the most well-known of all ways we use the internet and most of us are well acquainted with FaceBook and sometimes other social networking sites. Social media however extends to YouTube, MySpace, Twitter and many other sites that encourage social sharing and interaction. In this article we look at how social networking sites are used and the potential pit falls that are there.

In order to educate our children in online safety you need to understand what they are using the internet for and how current generations are taking advantage of online social media and online sites. Whilst you might be relatively internet savvy your children are often going to be more so. With that in mind we are going to cover the most common uses your children use social networking for and warn you of the potential dangers they may face.

Facebook

Facebook has quickly become one of the key ways children interact with their friends online and there are a huge number of ways they do so. If you are not familiar with FaceBook then you should familiarise yourself with the options available online. FaceBook allows users to share messages, videos, photos and share their interests with other people in their social network. The site also offers games, advertising and a plethora of other options. FaceBook has come under severe criticism previously for its security and you need to make sure that children are using security and not befriending people they don’t know. The number of friends you have on FaceBook has become a social status symbol amongst large numbers of youngsters and this can encourage your children to seek friends they don’t know. Guarding against this is a good idea so that you can ensure your child is only befriending people they know. Additionally you need to understand that many children now use social networking sites as their primary mode of communication and that there is no moderation of what their friends and they themselves can say or post on their profile. This means that your child can be exposed to, and expose themselves to, a large amount of inappropriate language and content that is posted by their friends online. For this reason you need to talk to your child carefully about appropriate online behaviour and how they should react to inappropriate exposures. Caution them about their behaviour and explain that anything they share online (even in private) can potentially be shared amongst many more people. Finally you need to be aware that bullying has become increasingly commonplace on social networking sites and you need to talk to your children openly about how to react to this kind of behaviour.

MySpace

MySpace is similar to FaceBook but much more public. It is a site where you present yourself your interests and can edit your page and show details publicly. You have the options to befriend people, follow people and share images and videos. Much of what we have already covered with FaceBook applies here but you also need to be aware that MySpace is much more public than FaceBook. With that in mind you need to ensure your children are very careful with what they post online on this site and caution them heavily against their interactions.

#Twitter

Twitter is different from other social networking sites in that you only send short messages without attachments of private information being freely accessible. Tweets are shot messages that your followers receive. Whilst this is a relatively secure form of social networking you need to be aware that tweets even amongst friends can be harmful and that children should still be exercising caution when using these forms of interaction.

With all social networking you need to ensure that your children are exercising caution and behaving appropriately themselves. If they are not then they expose themselves to danger and other problems. So you should educate them and yourself in how to behave, report inappropriate behaviour and how to guard their privacy.

Jane writes about internet safety in order to help raise awareness to parents about the potential dangers of the digital world.

Children and Choices: Encouraging Responsible Behavior

I am glad you can join us for our latest “Parenting Simply” class:

“Children and Choices: Encouraging Responsible Behavior”

Sponsored By: RaisingSmallSouls.com

Wednesday, June 29
9-9:30pm EST

In this class you will learn:

• How To Help Your Child Listen
• How To Encourage Responsible Behavior
• How To Increase Your Child’s Confidence
• How To Improve Your Child’s Ability To Make The Right Decisions (even when you are not there!)

The following are the telephone numbers and access code for the live class:

Children and Choices: Encouraging Responsible Behavior

Wednesday, June 29, 9-9:30pm EST

For the class: (209) 647-1000
Access code: 804733#

For the recording: (209) 647-1999
Access code: 804733#

We hope you enjoy.

Adina Soclof
Ellen C. Braun

For more information visit us at www.parentingsimply.com

Children and Charity

Involving Children in Philanthropy

Encouraging your child to take an interest in charity from an early age not only benefits which ever worthy cause grabs their attention, but can also play a massive role in boosting their own personal development.

You might think sparking your child’s interest in charity will be difficult; after all, many charities work to try and eradicate problems of an ‘adult’ nature that many think of as being beyond a child’s grasp.

Admittedly, the sense of empathy that leads most adults to make charitable donations depends on them being able to understand the context of other people’s suffering and imagine themselves in such a position. Children can find this difficult, given their limited frame of reference for comprehending the world around them.

However, I’ve always been inspired by children’s keenly developed sense of injustice. As annoying as it is to hear repeated moans of “but it’s not fair!” over trivial issues such as bed times, a child’s natural desire for justice can be used to divert attentions away from selfish concerns, towards the plight of the genuinely needy.

Normalise Giving

For us to become truly committed to anything it needs to become part of our everyday routine. Children are, naturally, more flexible in their routines than adults. Any parent can tell you how something can be a matter of life and death to a child one week, then completely forgotten about by the next. Having said this, the ideas we pick up as children have the potential to stay with us forever.

Therefore, it is important to try and make giving to charity feel like a normal thing. A great way of doing this is to encourage your child to give a portion of the regular allowance they earn from doing chores to a charity.

In any case, when giving your child an allowance, it can be a good idea to help them draft up a little budget to decide how much they want to spend on small treats and how much they want to save towards something big. You might try and get them to include a good cause in this budget.

This will help prepare them for when they have an adult’s income, not all of which is disposable. Budgeting in this way will also increase your child’s appreciation of money as, even if you aren’t making them work particularly hard for it, they will have to think more carefully about the conundrum attached to all spending, namely, ‘what is most worthy of my cash?’

Business people and economists would call this ‘opportunity cost’, meaning the cost of having to choose one thing over another. Co-creating a budget with your child helps them understand this issue and appreciate their money more. Therefore, giving money away not only becomes a regular part of their lives, they also understand better the value of what it means to give.

Celebrate Charity

You can go one step further than this by making charity a central part of the special occasions your child looks forward to, such as Christmas. It is very easy to work charity into your fun family traditions.

For example, in the run up to Christmas you could set up a routine of clearing the kid’s rooms, picking out old toys that they no longer need and donating them to charity. They’ll associate this with the magic of the season, and, if you remind them that, after all, they’re making room for new toys, they can still see the sacrifice involved as something exciting.

As a parent I’ve found this has a pleasing double effect. For one thing the kids come to understand that there are people out there having a tougher time of it and are pleased to help out truly needy kids. Secondly, as a side effect of this realisation they appreciate their own gifts all the more.

As children don’t really have the means to go out and buy gifts for other people and, because they tend to receive so many gifts themselves, it is natural enough that most kids think of Christmas as being all about them. Indeed, it is very hard to resist encouraging this by spoiling your kids and experiencing their innocent joy vicariously. Encouraging them to see the holiday in a bigger context helps them adjust to the idea they are apart of a world that extends beyond their own existence.

Empower Kids to Give

Of course, encouraging kids to do good deeds isn’t all that useful if they don’t understand why it is good. Children pick up their moral sensibility from their parents and, despite the fact that every young child’s favourite phrase is “why?”, they often do not question the ethical code they inherit.

Obviously, this is a good thing to a large extent. Helping a four year old through an existential crisis is a challenge for any parent! However, it is good for a child’s moral development not to simply see ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as arbitrary labels you, or another figure of authority have decided on.

Getting a child to choose which charity they’d like to contribute to is a good of way getting them to realize their own beliefs. Picking a charity will make a child think about what makes a cause worth contributing to, rather than simply chalking it down as a good deed without thinking about it.

Making a gift donation in a child’s name often falls flat as a gesture as, to be honest, most kids would prefer a toy, and, as they had no role in making the decision they don’t feel attached to the cause. However, you can buy gift cards which work like online vouchers and allow kids to donate to charities of their own choosing. Kids often thrive when they feel they have a sense of responsibility and will want to get involved with anything that makes them feel empowered.

Getting Involved in the Community

Charity events offer a good chance for kids to interact with their peers and get involved in the community whilst learning about collaborative efforts. Even something simple like a bake sale will cover these areas whilst being fun, engaging and involving responsibility.

Encourage your children to get involved in, or perhaps even introduce, charitable activities to the social clubs they attend, such as their softball team or dance class. If you to are involved in the club it can provide the kids with a great opportunity to take matters into their own hands. You can consult them on their own fund raising ideas and give them a large role in the organising of the events. This will allow children to take ownership of their actions.

This is important for children, as without this sense of ownership they will take less sense of fulfillment from their positive actions. It can also one of the factors behind children‘s misbehaviour. If children are always simply being told to do the right thing and exactly how to do it, the may have to resort to naughtiness simply for the feeling of having done something for themselves.

Preparing for the Future

In conclusion teaching kids about charity at an early age can help develop a sense of ethics, budgeting, independence, organisational skills and can even be a start to developing a great CV (many colleges look to see how involved candidates have been in extra curricular community services as part of their admissions processes). If it involves events such as sponsored runs charity can even improve your child’s fitness!

Given all these different areas that giving to charity touches on, it really is a great way to help your children become conscientious citizens who, hopefully, will grow up realizing there’s more to philanthropy than tax breaks.

Guest post by Steve Waller, helping people find care assistant jobs in the UK via his comprehensive search engine.

Kids Gardening Lessons

The warm weather is here, and the great outdoors has so many lessons for us to teach our children while we are out and about!

As I was planting the vegetable garden in our yard, the following thought came to me:

Weeds are easy.

There’s no need to till the ground, add special nutrients to the soil, put up gates to keep out the deer, or water the weeds. No, none of that is necessary at all. The weeds just grow on their own. What could be easier?

On the other hand, lots of effort is required to plant strong and healthy tomato plants. (As my broken nails and scrapes can attest to!) Since the soil in Baltimore is acidic, I added lime to the potting mix. Let’s not even talk about tilling hard soil filled with tree roots! Staking the plants, watering, fertilizing, keeping the hungry animals away… getting buckets filled with homegrown tomatoes takes quite a bit of effort.

And that’s exactly the point of this little article:

The negative stuff comes easily. Like fast growing weeds, it’s easy to complain, get angry, or worry incessantly.

The positive stuff takes effort. It doesn’t come naturally to swallow our anger and stay calm in the face of adversity. It takes quite a bit of effort to see the positive side of life and avoid complaining about the negatives.

And, as nature has shown us, weeds are easy.

When we lose ourselves in anger and complaints, we’re just letting weeds grow wild. When we make the effort to see our glasses as half-full and keep impulsive reactions of anger under wraps by maintaining a calm disposition, we are growing our personal self-development garden.

Next time your child throws a tantrum (or next time you do!), show her the weeds outside. It’s easy to lose control and kick and scream. Tending to strong plants, like displaying calm reactions, takes effort. This is the kind of effort that results in fulfilling relationships, many real friendships, and internal peace of mind.

Raising Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Guest post by: Larry J. Bradley

Raising Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Our children are experiencing pessimism, sadness, passivity, and obesity at unprecedented levels today. This is happening despite massive self-esteem campaigns and the natural optimism of children.

One of the world’s foremost experts on self-esteem, Dr. Nathaniel Brandon, believes that self-esteem has two basic components. The first is competence – the ability or skill to perform or basically get through the day. Most people either have skill or can acquire it fairly easily.

The second is a feeling of worthiness and deserving to be happy. This is where most people fall short. This feeling of self-worth – deserving to do, have, or become – is nurtured from a very early age and is enormously influenced by parents. This feeling is closely tied to using positive language too, because we begin to frame our child’s world at a very early age with our words and the images they evoke. Feelings of self-worth come from being taught, encouraged, and praised with respect to achieving and accomplishing. What most of us don’t realized however is that the achievements and accomplishments don’t have to be monumental to win your praise and approval.

As Dr. Brandon says, “Of all of the value judgments we made in our lives, there is none more important than the judgment we place on ourselves.” Our self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves, and it can only be acquired from within. This is not an instant verdict; it’s a feeling developed over time, a deep intuition about who we believe we are. Nor is self-esteem harmed or bolstered by a single event, choice, or act. Rather, it is developed over a long period, and through a series of choices and decisions. To put it simply, healthy self-esteem is not acquired as a result of anything external; it’s more of a spiritual accomplishment.

I am an adamant believer that people, including children, will not harm something or someone they value, including themselves. I also believe that, for the most part, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If your child is a poor concept of self-worth, most likely one or both parents will be as well.

Self-esteem is critical because it will affect virtually everything about our children: whether they use and/or abuse drugs, alcohol, or tobacco; whom they choose to socialize with and how; their level of education; their fitness and health-related habits; how they look and present themselves to the world; how much money they will make; whether they will become self-employed or work for someone else; how long they will work and what they will do; whether they will marry and whom; whether they will have children and, if so, how they will raise them; where they will live; the car they drive; their level of stability and how they will cope with life; and this is just a partial list.

Developing good habits requires a purpose in life, and purpose requires a healthy self-esteem and a sense of confidence and worthiness.

One of your greatest tasks as a parent is to help your children find and develop this purpose in their lives. To accomplish this, you must be patient, nurturing, and open to change. Self-discovery is a process of living and learning over a lifetime. It’s a journey, not a destination. You, as a parent, are your child’s tour guide.

So what can we as parents do to help our children and society as a whole? Here are some things to seriously consider that will not only help to raise your child’s self-esteem but your own as well.

• To the best extent possible, provide a stable home with structure, love, and discipline.

• When you discipline, separate who your children are from what they do.

• Help our kids learn to be independent thinkers in a rational environment.

• Make sure they see consistency in your behavior.

• Don’t praise your child just to be “cool” or to be their “buddy”.

• Look for, and even create, opportunities to give them honest, genuine praise.

• Get involved with your children in activities that interest them.

• Help them find the lesson in failure, but never carry the failure forward. My dad always said, “Winners laugh and losers learn.”

• Proactively and politely assert your right to be happy and your right to legitimate wants and needs.

Give of yourself to your children. It’s the greatest gift you could ever offer and love them without conditions.

Larry J. Bradley is an author, speaker, personal and professional coach and consultant. He is a business turnaround specialist, certified Self-Talk trainer, NLP practitioner and coach, as well as a hypnosis and time-line therapy practitioner. His areas of expertise include parenting, personal success and management, persuasion, influence and sales. He can be reached at LarryBradley11@gmail.com or at 856-535-7500.

A Personal Story

My middle son, Jacob, is ten years old and has opinions about absolutely everything. He recently shared with me the reason why Wednesday is the worst day of the week.

“Monday is pizza day, Tuesday is baseball leagues, Wednesday is nothing special, and Thursday you come to my school!” Each day of the week had a special component, according to Jacob, aside from the unfortunate day of Wednesday. What surprised me was just how much my weekly visits to his school on Thursdays actually meant to him in his ten-year-old mind.

I volunteer to serve hot lunches each Thursday in my children’s school. The truth is that I do more checking kids’ names off lists than actual serving, however, I do set up the tables prior to each grade’s lunch period. Although it takes nearly three hours out of my Thursdays, I enjoy getting to see my children in their school environment and the ability to have a quick word with their teachers and principals on a regular basis.

Jacob’s sweet reaction to my lunch volunteering stands in sharp contrast to his older brother’s perspective. Joey is twelve years old and requested that I not wave to him while he is on the lunch line, as that is apparently a big no-no in the social culture of sixth grade. At the end of his lunch period Joey does make his way to the room where I am setting up the next grade’s lunch and talk to me for a moment, but he does not want his friends to see him speaking to his mother! Although I could not help but feel a tiny bit miffed by the rude norms of middle school social culture, I was secretly glad that Joey had the ability to communicate his needs with me, even though he knew that I would not be pleased — he is able to be open and honest about his deep feelings.

By the way, Ben, who is eight years old, is usually pretty happy to see me. (Even last week when he brought me a paper to sign in middle of lunch where he’d written, ‘I will focus on learning not talk to my friends during class’!)

The interesting thing about people, especially children, is that we are all different. Joey does not care for my visits to school while Jacob adores them! Some children are gifted athletically, while others are blessed emotionally. This is the message of my popular Animal School video. (I’m sure you’ve already seen it, but just in case you haven’t, grab a tissue and watch it now!) Everyone is different, and no two people see the same thing in quite the same light. And there need not be a right and wrong way to view everything in life. Sometimes two people can hold opposing opinions, yet both of them can still be correct in their own way.

Let’s take some time to see our child’s incredible uniqueness. He may not have a train of thought that is identical to mine, yet that’s what makes him all the more special — he is his very own person! Which reminds me of one of my favorite books of all time — The Five Love Languages for Children. You’ve probably heard of the book due to its incredible popularity. (If not, order it now here!)

The book describes how we all have a different primary method of understanding love. Some of us feel love primarily through physical touch, while others feel loved when they receive gifts or services lovingly. It’s important to understand how we seek love and how our children seek their love.

If a mother primarily experiences love physically, and her son’s language of love is through quality time, then they can clash when she wants lots of hugs to dominate the relationship while he wants to just spend time in each others company. These are the 5 languages: Quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.

Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew

Guest post by: Jim Higley, author of Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew

I’m often asked, “What’s the most important thing to raising healthy, happy kids?”

And I always pause. Because, candidly, nothing is as important to me as the physical and emotional health of a child. The truth is, I think there are numerous components in fully answering that question. But we live in a world where people like things simplified. We like sound bytes, don’t we?

So, when pushed, here’s my sound byte answer to that question.

Be available to them.

I’m talking available physically. Emotionally. And spiritually. I’m talking 24/7. I’m talking about building a connection with your child that tells them—without doubt—that you are always there for them, under every circumstance, no matter what. To me it’s the most valuable gift to give a child. It tells them that they are person of value.

And it also forms the foundation for a lifetime of positive, healthy communication between the two of you! -Jim Higley

Jim Higley is the Bobblehead Dad – writer, speaker, life observer and cancer warrior. A single father raising three kids, Jim’s first book Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew celebrates the stories waiting for us in the nooks and crannies of every day. Jim writes a weekly parenting and family column, Bobblehead Dad, for Chicago Tribune’s TribLocal and is also a contributing writer for The Good Men Project and Man of the House. You can read more from him on his website, BobbleheadDad. Jim’s also the inaugural winner of the World’s Greatest Dad Challenge, sponsored by Man of the House. His kids, however, are requesting a recount. Read more about him at www.BobbleheadDad.com.

Excerpt from Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew (reprinted with permission)

As a kid, I collected bobbleheads. As an adult, I had become one.

With four older brothers, I sort of inherited their old bobblehead dolls when I was a young boy. They were all baseball player bobbleheads. Truthfully, I didn’t even like baseball that much, but I thought it was fun to play with the little figurines and their spring-loaded heads.

My favorite was a Mickey Mantle bobblehead. I liked seeing how long I could keep his noggin in motion with just the right flick from my index finger. Too hard and I’d end up with a spastic head jerk that came to a sudden stop. Too soft and the toy suffered the same fate. But when I found that perfect amount of pressure, I’d enjoy a bobble that would go on for a long, carefree bounce until the head ultimately rebalanced itself.

I was easily amused.

I also was fascinated by how Mickey’s face would maintain a permanent, frozen smile no matter how fast or furious his head rocked.

Thirty-some years later, I was much like that bobblehead, going through the motions of life—perfect smile and all—just bouncing away. By all accounts, I was living a full and abundant life with my family and my career. And, to a great degree, I was. Maybe you knew me back then. I was firing on all cylinders, always in a constant state of motion, and looking pretty stable.

At the time, I even thought I was doing pretty well. But the truth is things were moving so fast in my world, I stopped connecting with the events, experiences, and people waiting for me in each day. I survived by bobbling.

My best bobbling, I’m ashamed to say, was saved for my three kids. Consumed with a job that had me leaving the house long before they were up, I was exhausted by the time I arrived home in the evening.

“Wudya do today?” was my standard question for the kids as I tried to connect in some way to the worlds that were theirs.

As a young grade-schooler, my daughter, Wallis, would always provide feature-length film descriptions of her day, recounting every eye-opening experience and emotion. Like helium escaping from a balloon, her words couldn’t come fast enough. And there I was, wearing my Mickey Mantle smile, bobbling along and pretending to listen while many of her words ricocheted off me at lightning speed.

Bad. Bobbling. Dad.

Unfortunately, kids are smart, and they quickly sense when you’re not really paying attention to them. So they stop talking and, eventually, just grunt or nod.

That’s how we became a bobblehead dad and his three nodding children.

When I reached the age of forty-four, however, my bobbling came to a screeching halt. It was much like the day—as a child—I accidentally stretched Mickey Mantle’s head a little too far and snapped the spring. When my own bobbling world snapped, I found myself with an entire summer at home removed from all of life’s obligations.

How does a middle-aged guy manage to land an entire summer off? Well, I had cancer. It’s something my parents and siblings encounter with regularity. Some families have red hair. Or they spawn a lot of tall people. Mine produces very ordinary people who have a propensity for cancer. So I had plenty of training under my belt when my own world was turned upside down with surgery and a summer at home to heal.

But this is not only a cancer story. It’s a story about a dad who had a chance—at the halftime show of his life—to stop bobbling and relearn many of the life lessons he’d forgotten. It’s a story that reveals the meaning found in simple moments and the people who fill them.

Most importantly for me, it’s the story that unfolded a road map to living the second half of my life with intent.

(Copyright 2011: James R. Higley)

A Child’s Wisdom

Submitted by Raelynn Maloney, Ph.D.  Author of Waking Up: A Parent’s Guide to Mindful Awareness and Connection www.wakingupwithawareness.com Owner and Director of A Mindful Place 1950 West Littleton Boulevard, Suite 117. Littleton, Colorado 80120. 303-358.6561 www.amindfulplace.com

Every child is gifted with a simple form of logic and honesty that can reveal a timeless wisdom to all parents. However, when a child shares his/her wisdom in a way that feels like a personal attack, the common response from a parent is to become defensive and shut the conversation down.

Creating a relationship that allows a child to “hold a mirror up” to you as a parent can be challenging at first, but it will strengthen the parent-child connection in powerful ways. When we are willing to hear and see how our children are experiencing us  - that is, “when I am willing to see the way my child sees me” – we are gifted with information that will enable us to grow and deepen as parents. Your child’s wisdom will not benefit anyone if you perceive your child’s words as a personal attack. If you are able to listen objectively and embrace what is shared simply as information, everyone benefits.

Try to use and remember the mantra, “it’s not personal, it’s information” as you listen to your child.

In my counseling practice, there is a simple question that opens a flood gate of information about what children SEE when they look at us as parents. When I ask the question, “What are you learning from your parents?” I am given a glimpse into the relationship rules a child is learning through their parent-child relationship. The wisdom in their answers can cause many parents to struggle to accept the truth in the information. When they can accept it for what it is, however – simply as information – they soon realize that it is not a stamp on their performance as a parent, but the beginning of a new dialogue that will deepen and enhance the parent-child connection.

It is important to know how your child SEES and EXPERIENCES you as a parent.

Here are some of the not-so-perfect relationship rules children express when asked, “What are you learning from your parents?”:

I’m learning to raise my voice to get people to listen to me.

I’m learning to hurry because we are always late.

I’m learning to focus on what is “wrong” with people instead of what is “right” about them.

I’m learning to say sorry and then quickly give a reason for what I did wrong.

I’m learning that it’s okay to focus on what the other person did wrong instead of what I did wrong.

I’m learning to use bad words when I’m irritated.

I’m learning to shake my fist at someone if they upset me.

I’m learning to use threats.

I’m learning to talk and text while driving.

I’m learning to ignore someone when you don’t like what they say.

I hear an equal number of positive relationship rules and these are often much easier to take in as parents (for example, I’m learning to that families love eachother even when they are angry). Kids hold mirrors up to us all the time. Though we may not take every word as something we need to change, it is important to pay attention and find the wisdom in what they are saying.

Take time in the next 24 hours to listen and to see what your child is teaching you through that mirror! Make a conscious decision about whether or not this is how you want to continue to have your child SEE you. If not, ask yourself, “what is one thing I would like to consciously focus on improving when I am with my child?”

 

 

 

Improving Relationships with Self-Talk

I was in the process of writing, rewriting, and editing my article about using self-talk rather than nagging or complaining to improve our relationships when I came across an excellent story.

This article is located on the Blog of Dr. William Glasser, author of one of my favorite books: Choice Theory.

Read Mary Amanda’s excellent article about using self-talk to improve relationships here: http://freedomthroughchoices.blogspot.com/2011/04/using-self-talk-to-improve-important.html It’s a long yet easy read about a simple story that probably faces all of us virtually every single day!

Then, post your questions or comments right here, so that we can help each other to make decisions that aid us in building solid and healthy relationships.

To our children’s success,

Ellen

7 Deadly Habits that Destroy Relationships and 7 Connecting Habits

According to Dr. William Glasser, noted psychiatrist and author of numerous books, all relationships have the same fundamentals.

If you have not yet read ‘Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom’ then I urge you to do so now.  You can purchase a used copy for as little as one penny here:  Choice Theory on Amazon

When we behave in a manner that yields more connection between the two parties, then we are engaging in connecting habits. On the other hand, if we were to act in a way that promotes disconnection, then we would be doing one or more of the seven deadly habits.

The 7 Deadly Habits are:

1. Criticizing
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Rewarding to control (as in manipulating)

The 7 Connecting Habits are:

1. Caring
2. Trusting
3. Listening
4. Supporting
5. Negotiating
6. Befriending
7. Encouraging

 

Do you recognize your own actions anywhere in these lists?

In my next article, I will address a common question: “But if I don’t nag/threaten my daughter, then she doesn’t listen to me!”

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