The rain has finally stopped here in  Cleveland and  we have had a few of days of sunshine. The sandbox in the park had a couple of days to dry up. My two younger children were itching to get themselves dirty.

My son took out the sand toys. There is one toy in particular that they have a hard time sharing. When he brought it out, I inwardly groaned, remembering all the fights the kids had over this particular pail that made a smiley face in the sand.

I thought that we need a plan and I quickly used some of the tips that I had just taught in my sibling class.

1. Name the problem:

Me: “Oh no! That smiley face pail always gives us problems. It is tough to share. Both of you always want that one first.”

2. Be positive and invite them to think of solutions:

Me:” I know we can think of a solution. I am sure if we put our heads together we can figure out how to share this toy.” Maybe we can think of some rules to help us share it.”
Sara: “I know we can each have it for 5 minutes”
Me to Mikey: “How will that work for you?”
Mikey: “No way I need more than 5 minutes!”

3. Offer choices:

Me to Mikey: Ok, you need more time than 5 minutes- how many minutes do you think you need? 5or 10 minutes?
Mikey:”10 minutes”
Me to Sara: “He needs ten minutes, will that work for you?”
Sara: “Yes.”

4. Name the problem again:

Me: “Ok, good we figured out how many minutes for each of you guys. Now the next problem is who is going to use it first. How should we figure that out?”
Sara: “He can go first, if you help me on the swings.”
Me: That sounds like a good plan. I can help you on the swings.

5. Praise children for a solution and reiterate the plan:

“I am so glad we figured out a solution. We really put our heads together. Mikey is going to go first with the sand pail while Sara and I play on the swings. After 10 minutes it will be Sara’s turn. Then after those 10 minutes we will switch again. Let’s get started!”

Crisis averted! Staying calm, positive and solution oriented is the trick to helping children to get along. To learn more on how to help your children get along buy our “How To Handle Sibling Rivalry Without Losing Your Mind”  audios.

Questions seem to be a popular technique that parents use when communicating with their children. As a parent educator I was always trained to be careful when questioning children because we parents will use questions to:

Admonish our children:

“Why do you always have to give me a problem when you get into the car?”

Initiate conversations:

“How was school?”

Undermine A Child’s Feelings:

“Why are you getting angry, its no big deal?” “What are you getting so excited for, its not like I am asking you to clean the whole house, just your room?”

 Criticize:

“Why are you wearing that?”

Motivate:

“Don’t you want to do your homework now instead of waiting for the last minute?”

 Control:

“What time are you going? Who is going with you? Do you think this is a good idea? When will you be back? Who is driving?”

I think you get the picture. Children become confused and overwhelmed when they are asked many questions. They find even the simplest questions to be intrusive and annoying. Often they close down, refusing to communicate.

So is there ever a time when we can question our kids?

As a speech therapist I was trained to only ask open-ended questions as opposed to close ended questions. This technique is used in many fields, education, counseling, mediation, and journalism.

According to mediacollege.com, an open-ended question is designed to encourage a full, meaningful answer using the subject’s own knowledge and/or feelings. It is the opposite of a closed-ended question, which encourages a short or single-word answer. Hence, the reason why kids will not talk to us when we say, “So, what did you do in school today?” Open-ended questions also tend to be more objective and less leading than closed-ended questions.

Open-ended questions typically begin with words such as “Why” and “How”, or phrases such as “Tell me about…”. Often they are not technically a question, but a statement which implicitly asks for a response and helps promote conversation.

For example, instead of asking:

“Why do you always have to give me a problem when you get into the car?”

Ask:

“Can you tell me the best way for you to get into the car?”

Instead of:

“How was school?”

Say:

“Tell me a little about your new math teacher, I hear he has a new way of teaching algebra.”

Instead of:

“Why are you getting angry, its no big deal?”

Ask:

“Can you give me an idea of why you sound so frustrated about cleaning your room?”

Instead of:

“Why are you wearing that?”

Try:

“Can you tell me if there is a dress code for this event?”

Instead of:

“Don’t you want to do your homework now instead of waiting for the last minute?”

Try:

“Can you tell me your plans for getting your homework done tonight?”

Instead of:

“What time are you going? Who is going with you? Do you think this is a good idea? When will you be back? Who is driving?”

Ask:

“I am concerned about your schedule tonight. Can you give me a minute to let me know, time of departure, the friends going with you, designated driver and when you will be home?”

Talking effectively to kids can take a lot of patience and practice. Asking the right questions can help.

Social media

In order to educate our children in online safety you need to understand what they are using the internet for and how current generations are taking advantage of online social media and online sites. Whilst you might be relatively internet savvy your children are often going to be more so. With that in mind we are going to cover the most common uses your children use social networking for and warn you of the potential dangers they may face.

Facebook

Facebook has quickly become one of the key ways children interact with their friends online and there are a huge number of ways they do so. If you are not familiar with FaceBook then you should familiarise yourself with the options available online. FaceBook allows users to share messages, videos, photos and share their interests with other people in their social network. The site also offers games, advertising and a plethora of other options. FaceBook has come under severe criticism previously for its security and you need to make sure that children are using security and not befriending people they don’t know. The number of friends you have on FaceBook has become a social status symbol amongst large numbers of youngsters and this can encourage your children to seek friends they don’t know. Guarding against this is a good idea so that you can ensure your child is only befriending people they know. Additionally you need to understand that many children now use social networking sites as their primary mode of communication and that there is no moderation of what their friends and they themselves can say or post on their profile. This means that your child can be exposed to, and expose themselves to, a large amount of inappropriate language and content that is posted by their friends online. For this reason you need to talk to your child carefully about appropriate online behaviour and how they should react to inappropriate exposures. Caution them about their behaviour and explain that anything they share online (even in private) can potentially be shared amongst many more people. Finally you need to be aware that bullying has become increasingly commonplace on social networking sites and you need to talk to your children openly about how to react to this kind of behaviour.

MySpace

MySpace is similar to FaceBook but much more public. It is a site where you present yourself your interests and can edit your page and show details publicly. You have the options to befriend people, follow people and share images and videos. Much of what we have already covered with FaceBook applies here but you also need to be aware that MySpace is much more public than FaceBook. With that in mind you need to ensure your children are very careful with what they post online on this site and caution them heavily against their interactions.

#Twitter

Twitter is different from other social networking sites in that you only send short messages without attachments of private information being freely accessible. Tweets are shot messages that your followers receive. Whilst this is a relatively secure form of social networking you need to be aware that tweets even amongst friends can be harmful and that children should still be exercising caution when using these forms of interaction.

With all social networking you need to ensure that your children are exercising caution and behaving appropriately themselves. If they are not then they expose themselves to danger and other problems. So you should educate them and yourself in how to behave, report inappropriate behaviour and how to guard their privacy.

Jane writes about internet safety in order to help raise awareness to parents about the potential dangers of the digital world.

“Children and Choices: Encouraging Responsible Behavior”

Sponsored By: RaisingSmallSouls.com

Wednesday, June 29
9-9:30pm EST

In this class you will learn:

• How To Help Your Child Listen
• How To Encourage Responsible Behavior
• How To Increase Your Child’s Confidence
• How To Improve Your Child’s Ability To Make The Right Decisions (even when you are not there!)

The following are the telephone numbers and access code for the live class:

Children and Choices: Encouraging Responsible Behavior

Wednesday, June 29, 9-9:30pm EST

For the class: (209) 647-1000
Access code: 804733#

For the recording: (209) 647-1999
Access code: 804733#

We hope you enjoy.

Adina Soclof
Ellen C. Braun

For more information visit us at www.parentingsimply.com

Encouraging your child to take an interest in charity from an early age not only benefits which ever worthy cause grabs their attention, but can also play a massive role in boosting their own personal development.

You might think sparking your child’s interest in charity will be difficult; after all, many charities work to try and eradicate problems of an ‘adult’ nature that many think of as being beyond a child’s grasp.

Admittedly, the sense of empathy that leads most adults to make charitable donations depends on them being able to understand the context of other people’s suffering and imagine themselves in such a position. Children can find this difficult, given their limited frame of reference for comprehending the world around them.

However, I’ve always been inspired by children’s keenly developed sense of injustice. As annoying as it is to hear repeated moans of “but it’s not fair!” over trivial issues such as bed times, a child’s natural desire for justice can be used to divert attentions away from selfish concerns, towards the plight of the genuinely needy.

Normalise Giving

For us to become truly committed to anything it needs to become part of our everyday routine. Children are, naturally, more flexible in their routines than adults. Any parent can tell you how something can be a matter of life and death to a child one week, then completely forgotten about by the next. Having said this, the ideas we pick up as children have the potential to stay with us forever.

Therefore, it is important to try and make giving to charity feel like a normal thing. A great way of doing this is to encourage your child to give a portion of the regular allowance they earn from doing chores to a charity.

In any case, when giving your child an allowance, it can be a good idea to help them draft up a little budget to decide how much they want to spend on small treats and how much they want to save towards something big. You might try and get them to include a good cause in this budget.

This will help prepare them for when they have an adult’s income, not all of which is disposable. Budgeting in this way will also increase your child’s appreciation of money as, even if you aren’t making them work particularly hard for it, they will have to think more carefully about the conundrum attached to all spending, namely, ‘what is most worthy of my cash?’

Business people and economists would call this ‘opportunity cost’, meaning the cost of having to choose one thing over another. Co-creating a budget with your child helps them understand this issue and appreciate their money more. Therefore, giving money away not only becomes a regular part of their lives, they also understand better the value of what it means to give.

Celebrate Charity

You can go one step further than this by making charity a central part of the special occasions your child looks forward to, such as Christmas. It is very easy to work charity into your fun family traditions.

For example, in the run up to Christmas you could set up a routine of clearing the kid’s rooms, picking out old toys that they no longer need and donating them to charity. They’ll associate this with the magic of the season, and, if you remind them that, after all, they’re making room for new toys, they can still see the sacrifice involved as something exciting.

As a parent I’ve found this has a pleasing double effect. For one thing the kids come to understand that there are people out there having a tougher time of it and are pleased to help out truly needy kids. Secondly, as a side effect of this realisation they appreciate their own gifts all the more.

As children don’t really have the means to go out and buy gifts for other people and, because they tend to receive so many gifts themselves, it is natural enough that most kids think of Christmas as being all about them. Indeed, it is very hard to resist encouraging this by spoiling your kids and experiencing their innocent joy vicariously. Encouraging them to see the holiday in a bigger context helps them adjust to the idea they are apart of a world that extends beyond their own existence.

Empower Kids to Give

Of course, encouraging kids to do good deeds isn’t all that useful if they don’t understand why it is good. Children pick up their moral sensibility from their parents and, despite the fact that every young child’s favourite phrase is “why?”, they often do not question the ethical code they inherit.

Obviously, this is a good thing to a large extent. Helping a four year old through an existential crisis is a challenge for any parent! However, it is good for a child’s moral development not to simply see ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as arbitrary labels you, or another figure of authority have decided on.

Getting a child to choose which charity they’d like to contribute to is a good of way getting them to realize their own beliefs. Picking a charity will make a child think about what makes a cause worth contributing to, rather than simply chalking it down as a good deed without thinking about it.

Making a gift donation in a child’s name often falls flat as a gesture as, to be honest, most kids would prefer a toy, and, as they had no role in making the decision they don’t feel attached to the cause. However, you can buy gift cards which work like online vouchers and allow kids to donate to charities of their own choosing. Kids often thrive when they feel they have a sense of responsibility and will want to get involved with anything that makes them feel empowered.

Getting Involved in the Community

Charity events offer a good chance for kids to interact with their peers and get involved in the community whilst learning about collaborative efforts. Even something simple like a bake sale will cover these areas whilst being fun, engaging and involving responsibility.

Encourage your children to get involved in, or perhaps even introduce, charitable activities to the social clubs they attend, such as their softball team or dance class. If you to are involved in the club it can provide the kids with a great opportunity to take matters into their own hands. You can consult them on their own fund raising ideas and give them a large role in the organising of the events. This will allow children to take ownership of their actions.

This is important for children, as without this sense of ownership they will take less sense of fulfillment from their positive actions. It can also one of the factors behind children‘s misbehaviour. If children are always simply being told to do the right thing and exactly how to do it, the may have to resort to naughtiness simply for the feeling of having done something for themselves.

Preparing for the Future

In conclusion teaching kids about charity at an early age can help develop a sense of ethics, budgeting, independence, organisational skills and can even be a start to developing a great CV (many colleges look to see how involved candidates have been in extra curricular community services as part of their admissions processes). If it involves events such as sponsored runs charity can even improve your child’s fitness!

Given all these different areas that giving to charity touches on, it really is a great way to help your children become conscientious citizens who, hopefully, will grow up realizing there’s more to philanthropy than tax breaks.

Guest post by Steve Waller, helping people find care assistant jobs in the UK via his comprehensive search engine.

The warm weather is here, and the great outdoors has so many lessons for us to teach our children while we are out and about!

As I was planting the vegetable garden in our yard, the following thought came to me:

Weeds are easy.

There’s no need to till the ground, add special nutrients to the soil, put up gates to keep out the deer, or water the weeds. No, none of that is necessary at all. The weeds just grow on their own. What could be easier?

On the other hand, lots of effort is required to plant strong and healthy tomato plants. (As my broken nails and scrapes can attest to!) Since the soil in Baltimore is acidic, I added lime to the potting mix. Let’s not even talk about tilling hard soil filled with tree roots! Staking the plants, watering, fertilizing, keeping the hungry animals away… getting buckets filled with homegrown tomatoes takes quite a bit of effort.

And that’s exactly the point of this little article:

The negative stuff comes easily. Like fast growing weeds, it’s easy to complain, get angry, or worry incessantly.

The positive stuff takes effort. It doesn’t come naturally to swallow our anger and stay calm in the face of adversity. It takes quite a bit of effort to see the positive side of life and avoid complaining about the negatives.

And, as nature has shown us, weeds are easy.

When we lose ourselves in anger and complaints, we’re just letting weeds grow wild. When we make the effort to see our glasses as half-full and keep impulsive reactions of anger under wraps by maintaining a calm disposition, we are growing our personal self-development garden.

Next time your child throws a tantrum (or next time you do!), show her the weeds outside. It’s easy to lose control and kick and scream. Tending to strong plants, like displaying calm reactions, takes effort. This is the kind of effort that results in fulfilling relationships, many real friendships, and internal peace of mind.

Raising Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Our children are experiencing pessimism, sadness, passivity, and obesity at unprecedented levels today. This is happening despite massive self-esteem campaigns and the natural optimism of children.

One of the world’s foremost experts on self-esteem, Dr. Nathaniel Brandon, believes that self-esteem has two basic components. The first is competence – the ability or skill to perform or basically get through the day. Most people either have skill or can acquire it fairly easily.

The second is a feeling of worthiness and deserving to be happy. This is where most people fall short. This feeling of self-worth – deserving to do, have, or become – is nurtured from a very early age and is enormously influenced by parents. This feeling is closely tied to using positive language too, because we begin to frame our child’s world at a very early age with our words and the images they evoke. Feelings of self-worth come from being taught, encouraged, and praised with respect to achieving and accomplishing. What most of us don’t realized however is that the achievements and accomplishments don’t have to be monumental to win your praise and approval.

As Dr. Brandon says, “Of all of the value judgments we made in our lives, there is none more important than the judgment we place on ourselves.” Our self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves, and it can only be acquired from within. This is not an instant verdict; it’s a feeling developed over time, a deep intuition about who we believe we are. Nor is self-esteem harmed or bolstered by a single event, choice, or act. Rather, it is developed over a long period, and through a series of choices and decisions. To put it simply, healthy self-esteem is not acquired as a result of anything external; it’s more of a spiritual accomplishment.

I am an adamant believer that people, including children, will not harm something or someone they value, including themselves. I also believe that, for the most part, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If your child is a poor concept of self-worth, most likely one or both parents will be as well.

Self-esteem is critical because it will affect virtually everything about our children: whether they use and/or abuse drugs, alcohol, or tobacco; whom they choose to socialize with and how; their level of education; their fitness and health-related habits; how they look and present themselves to the world; how much money they will make; whether they will become self-employed or work for someone else; how long they will work and what they will do; whether they will marry and whom; whether they will have children and, if so, how they will raise them; where they will live; the car they drive; their level of stability and how they will cope with life; and this is just a partial list.

Developing good habits requires a purpose in life, and purpose requires a healthy self-esteem and a sense of confidence and worthiness.

One of your greatest tasks as a parent is to help your children find and develop this purpose in their lives. To accomplish this, you must be patient, nurturing, and open to change. Self-discovery is a process of living and learning over a lifetime. It’s a journey, not a destination. You, as a parent, are your child’s tour guide.

So what can we as parents do to help our children and society as a whole? Here are some things to seriously consider that will not only help to raise your child’s self-esteem but your own as well.

• To the best extent possible, provide a stable home with structure, love, and discipline.

• When you discipline, separate who your children are from what they do.

• Help our kids learn to be independent thinkers in a rational environment.

• Make sure they see consistency in your behavior.

• Don’t praise your child just to be “cool” or to be their “buddy”.

• Look for, and even create, opportunities to give them honest, genuine praise.

• Get involved with your children in activities that interest them.

• Help them find the lesson in failure, but never carry the failure forward. My dad always said, “Winners laugh and losers learn.”

• Proactively and politely assert your right to be happy and your right to legitimate wants and needs.

Give of yourself to your children. It’s the greatest gift you could ever offer and love them without conditions.

Larry J. Bradley is an author, speaker, personal and professional coach and consultant. He is a business turnaround specialist, certified Self-Talk trainer, NLP practitioner and coach, as well as a hypnosis and time-line therapy practitioner. His areas of expertise include parenting, personal success and management, persuasion, influence and sales. He can be reached at LarryBradley11@gmail.com or at 856-535-7500.

My middle son, Jacob, is ten years old and has opinions about absolutely everything. He recently shared with me the reason why Wednesday is the worst day of the week.

“Monday is pizza day, Tuesday is baseball leagues, Wednesday is nothing special, and Thursday you come to my school!” Each day of the week had a special component, according to Jacob, aside from the unfortunate day of Wednesday. What surprised me was just how much my weekly visits to his school on Thursdays actually meant to him in his ten-year-old mind.

I volunteer to serve hot lunches each Thursday in my children’s school. The truth is that I do more checking kids’ names off lists than actual serving, however, I do set up the tables prior to each grade’s lunch period. Although it takes nearly three hours out of my Thursdays, I enjoy getting to see my children in their school environment and the ability to have a quick word with their teachers and principals on a regular basis.

Jacob’s sweet reaction to my lunch volunteering stands in sharp contrast to his older brother’s perspective. Joey is twelve years old and requested that I not wave to him while he is on the lunch line, as that is apparently a big no-no in the social culture of sixth grade. At the end of his lunch period Joey does make his way to the room where I am setting up the next grade’s lunch and talk to me for a moment, but he does not want his friends to see him speaking to his mother! Although I could not help but feel a tiny bit miffed by the rude norms of middle school social culture, I was secretly glad that Joey had the ability to communicate his needs with me, even though he knew that I would not be pleased — he is able to be open and honest about his deep feelings.

By the way, Ben, who is eight years old, is usually pretty happy to see me. (Even last week when he brought me a paper to sign in middle of lunch where he’d written, ‘I will focus on learning not talk to my friends during class’!)

The interesting thing about people, especially children, is that we are all different. Joey does not care for my visits to school while Jacob adores them! Some children are gifted athletically, while others are blessed emotionally. This is the message of my popular Animal School video. (I’m sure you’ve already seen it, but just in case you haven’t, grab a tissue and watch it now!) Everyone is different, and no two people see the same thing in quite the same light. And there need not be a right and wrong way to view everything in life. Sometimes two people can hold opposing opinions, yet both of them can still be correct in their own way.

Let’s take some time to see our child’s incredible uniqueness. He may not have a train of thought that is identical to mine, yet that’s what makes him all the more special — he is his very own person! Which reminds me of one of my favorite books of all time — The Five Love Languages for Children. You’ve probably heard of the book due to its incredible popularity. (If not, order it now here!)

The book describes how we all have a different primary method of understanding love. Some of us feel love primarily through physical touch, while others feel loved when they receive gifts or services lovingly. It’s important to understand how we seek love and how our children seek their love.

If a mother primarily experiences love physically, and her son’s language of love is through quality time, then they can clash when she wants lots of hugs to dominate the relationship while he wants to just spend time in each others company. These are the 5 languages: Quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.

Guest post by: Jim Higley, author of Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew

I’m often asked, “What’s the most important thing to raising healthy, happy kids?”

And I always pause. Because, candidly, nothing is as important to me as the physical and emotional health of a child. The truth is, I think there are numerous components in fully answering that question. But we live in a world where people like things simplified. We like sound bytes, don’t we?

So, when pushed, here’s my sound byte answer to that question.

Be available to them.

I’m talking available physically. Emotionally. And spiritually. I’m talking 24/7. I’m talking about building a connection with your child that tells them—without doubt—that you are always there for them, under every circumstance, no matter what. To me it’s the most valuable gift to give a child. It tells them that they are person of value.

And it also forms the foundation for a lifetime of positive, healthy communication between the two of you! -Jim Higley

Jim Higley is the Bobblehead Dad – writer, speaker, life observer and cancer warrior. A single father raising three kids, Jim’s first book Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew celebrates the stories waiting for us in the nooks and crannies of every day. Jim writes a weekly parenting and family column, Bobblehead Dad, for Chicago Tribune’s TribLocal and is also a contributing writer for The Good Men Project and Man of the House. You can read more from him on his website, BobbleheadDad. Jim’s also the inaugural winner of the World’s Greatest Dad Challenge, sponsored by Man of the House. His kids, however, are requesting a recount. Read more about him at www.BobbleheadDad.com.

Excerpt from Bobblehead Dad: 25 Life Lessons I Forgot I Knew (reprinted with permission)

As a kid, I collected bobbleheads. As an adult, I had become one.

With four older brothers, I sort of inherited their old bobblehead dolls when I was a young boy. They were all baseball player bobbleheads. Truthfully, I didn’t even like baseball that much, but I thought it was fun to play with the little figurines and their spring-loaded heads.

My favorite was a Mickey Mantle bobblehead. I liked seeing how long I could keep his noggin in motion with just the right flick from my index finger. Too hard and I’d end up with a spastic head jerk that came to a sudden stop. Too soft and the toy suffered the same fate. But when I found that perfect amount of pressure, I’d enjoy a bobble that would go on for a long, carefree bounce until the head ultimately rebalanced itself.

I was easily amused.

I also was fascinated by how Mickey’s face would maintain a permanent, frozen smile no matter how fast or furious his head rocked.

Thirty-some years later, I was much like that bobblehead, going through the motions of life—perfect smile and all—just bouncing away. By all accounts, I was living a full and abundant life with my family and my career. And, to a great degree, I was. Maybe you knew me back then. I was firing on all cylinders, always in a constant state of motion, and looking pretty stable.

At the time, I even thought I was doing pretty well. But the truth is things were moving so fast in my world, I stopped connecting with the events, experiences, and people waiting for me in each day. I survived by bobbling.

My best bobbling, I’m ashamed to say, was saved for my three kids. Consumed with a job that had me leaving the house long before they were up, I was exhausted by the time I arrived home in the evening.

“Wudya do today?” was my standard question for the kids as I tried to connect in some way to the worlds that were theirs.

As a young grade-schooler, my daughter, Wallis, would always provide feature-length film descriptions of her day, recounting every eye-opening experience and emotion. Like helium escaping from a balloon, her words couldn’t come fast enough. And there I was, wearing my Mickey Mantle smile, bobbling along and pretending to listen while many of her words ricocheted off me at lightning speed.

Bad. Bobbling. Dad.

Unfortunately, kids are smart, and they quickly sense when you’re not really paying attention to them. So they stop talking and, eventually, just grunt or nod.

That’s how we became a bobblehead dad and his three nodding children.

When I reached the age of forty-four, however, my bobbling came to a screeching halt. It was much like the day—as a child—I accidentally stretched Mickey Mantle’s head a little too far and snapped the spring. When my own bobbling world snapped, I found myself with an entire summer at home removed from all of life’s obligations.

How does a middle-aged guy manage to land an entire summer off? Well, I had cancer. It’s something my parents and siblings encounter with regularity. Some families have red hair. Or they spawn a lot of tall people. Mine produces very ordinary people who have a propensity for cancer. So I had plenty of training under my belt when my own world was turned upside down with surgery and a summer at home to heal.

But this is not only a cancer story. It’s a story about a dad who had a chance—at the halftime show of his life—to stop bobbling and relearn many of the life lessons he’d forgotten. It’s a story that reveals the meaning found in simple moments and the people who fill them.

Most importantly for me, it’s the story that unfolded a road map to living the second half of my life with intent.

(Copyright 2011: James R. Higley)

Every child is gifted with a simple form of logic and honesty that can reveal a timeless wisdom to all parents. However, when a child shares his/her wisdom in a way that feels like a personal attack, the common response from a parent is to become defensive and shut the conversation down.

Creating a relationship that allows a child to “hold a mirror up” to you as a parent can be challenging at first, but it will strengthen the parent-child connection in powerful ways. When we are willing to hear and see how our children are experiencing us  - that is, “when I am willing to see the way my child sees me” – we are gifted with information that will enable us to grow and deepen as parents. Your child’s wisdom will not benefit anyone if you perceive your child’s words as a personal attack. If you are able to listen objectively and embrace what is shared simply as information, everyone benefits.

Try to use and remember the mantra, “it’s not personal, it’s information” as you listen to your child.

In my counseling practice, there is a simple question that opens a flood gate of information about what children SEE when they look at us as parents. When I ask the question, “What are you learning from your parents?” I am given a glimpse into the relationship rules a child is learning through their parent-child relationship. The wisdom in their answers can cause many parents to struggle to accept the truth in the information. When they can accept it for what it is, however – simply as information – they soon realize that it is not a stamp on their performance as a parent, but the beginning of a new dialogue that will deepen and enhance the parent-child connection.

It is important to know how your child SEES and EXPERIENCES you as a parent.

Here are some of the not-so-perfect relationship rules children express when asked, “What are you learning from your parents?”:

I’m learning to raise my voice to get people to listen to me.

I’m learning to hurry because we are always late.

I’m learning to focus on what is “wrong” with people instead of what is “right” about them.

I’m learning to say sorry and then quickly give a reason for what I did wrong.

I’m learning that it’s okay to focus on what the other person did wrong instead of what I did wrong.

I’m learning to use bad words when I’m irritated.

I’m learning to shake my fist at someone if they upset me.

I’m learning to use threats.

I’m learning to talk and text while driving.

I’m learning to ignore someone when you don’t like what they say.

I hear an equal number of positive relationship rules and these are often much easier to take in as parents (for example, I’m learning to that families love eachother even when they are angry). Kids hold mirrors up to us all the time. Though we may not take every word as something we need to change, it is important to pay attention and find the wisdom in what they are saying.

Take time in the next 24 hours to listen and to see what your child is teaching you through that mirror! Make a conscious decision about whether or not this is how you want to continue to have your child SEE you. If not, ask yourself, “what is one thing I would like to consciously focus on improving when I am with my child?”

This article is located on the Blog of Dr. William Glasser, author of one of my favorite books: Choice Theory.

Read Mary Amanda’s excellent article about using self-talk to improve relationships here: http://freedomthroughchoices.blogspot.com/2011/04/using-self-talk-to-improve-important.html It’s a long yet easy read about a simple story that probably faces all of us virtually every single day!

Then, post your questions or comments right here, so that we can help each other to make decisions that aid us in building solid and healthy relationships.

To our children’s success,

Ellen

If you have not yet read ‘Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom’ then I urge you to do so now.  You can purchase a used copy for as little as one penny here:  Choice Theory on Amazon

When we behave in a manner that yields more connection between the two parties, then we are engaging in connecting habits. On the other hand, if we were to act in a way that promotes disconnection, then we would be doing one or more of the seven deadly habits.

The 7 Deadly Habits are:

1. Criticizing
2. Blaming
3. Complaining
4. Nagging
5. Threatening
6. Punishing
7. Rewarding to control (as in manipulating)

The 7 Connecting Habits are:

1. Caring
2. Trusting
3. Listening
4. Supporting
5. Negotiating
6. Befriending
7. Encouraging

Do you recognize your own actions anywhere in these lists?

In my next article, I will address a common question: “But if I don’t nag/threaten my daughter, then she doesn’t listen to me!”

When my son was in the 7th grade, I was told in May of that year that his teacher wanted to hold him back due to low test scores, lack of interest, and lack of effort. Although I immediately disagreed with the later two, I suggested having him tested for a learning disability. I was told that there was no way in which to get him tested before the end of the school year. Then I suggested summer school in which I was told that would be double jeopardy. Huh, I questioned. It was explained that they do not do both. They don’t hold a child back and send him to summer school too. This did not make sense to me. If a child is in jeopardy of failing I believe that child should have all available resources afforded to him but apparently I was alone on this issue and in my thinking. I refused to sign the form allowing them to hold him back.

I didn’t know what to do but what I did was two things. I immediately filed an appeal with the school district. Secondly, I remembered that I had a recent connection with someone who worked for the school district and in counseling testing department at that. I called this person and asked for a favor in which it was granted. My son had completed all testing within three weeks. As it turned out he did in fact have a learning disability. While attending the next meeting with two of his teachers, the principal, and a learning resource specialist, the principal announced that he would not be held back due to the appeal that I filed.

One teacher was visibly upset by this news and questioned why I was able to do this. Because I’m his mother and his advocate that’s why. I will never forget her response in which she said, “Allowing him to pass is a big mistake. We will all be right back here next year this time and he will never pass the state exit exams.” Then she went on to say that she was refusing to sign any forms in which stated that she was in agreement with this new decision.

I am happy to report that although my son was eligible for special resources, he only utilized them for two years. All he needed was a different style of teaching to match his different style of learning. I understand that teachers cannot cater to each and every student’s learning style due to the enormous class sizes. I also believe that as parents we need to speak up for our children and advocate on their behalf. Most students want to succeed and will believe in themselves more when they see others believing in them. Parents should not be afraid to stand up for their children in any circumstance.

Last but not least, my son made the honor roll almost every semester beginning with 8th grade. He is now a senior and will be graduating in June. He has passed both high school exit exams and has had his driver’s license for the past 1 ½ years. He just completed an application for the local community college and will start working on his Associates Degree in Graphic Design beginning this Fall. If you can’t tell by now, I am so proud of him for not giving in and giving up. We already have enough young men from single parent homes that meet that criteria, but not here!

One day, when Mitchell was under two years of age (now three years old), he took a chair from the kitchen and started dragging it into the room. We have carpet outside of the kitchen, so once he got to that point, it got much harder to push. However he persisted.

My husband, Gene, told him to stop and put the chair back in its place, but Mitchell didn’t listen.
Gene told him again. He started to get irritated and raise his voice. Mitchell did not yield, but continued to push the chair into the room.

By the time Mitchell reached the computer table where Gene was sitting, my husband was sternly looking at him and saying, “Why did you drag the chair here? Go put it back!”

Mitchell quietly pushed the chair toward Gene, looked at him with his sweet and innocent eyes and said, “Here you go dad. Sit down.”

He dragged the chair halfway across the apartment, through thick carpet, endured Gene’s reprimands and lovingly, with concern for his dad’s comfort, put it next to him so Gene could sit down.

We so often blame our family for not doing enough for us, reproach them for behaving unsuitably, criticize them for not doing things our way. But so rarely do we just love the people closest to us, with a pure and unconditional love.

Sure, maybe our parents criticize us; maybe they try to control us. Maybe our spouses ignore us or don’t want to understand how we feel. Maybe our siblings hold grudges against us from some childhood situations. But does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Let us learn from our children. Let’s persevere through the criticism, persist through the misunderstanding and, with love and concern, serve the people closest to us.

Let us love our family the way our children love us, with the purest love.

“Wash your hands!” “Did you find the other shoe?” “I need the permission slip signed today!” “Don’t yell at your sister!” “Where’s my homework?” “I signed that permission slip yesterday!” “Did you check under the table?” “Are you really going out looking like that?” “Can you drive me and Madison to the mall now?” “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about!” “He started it!” “I SAID DON’T YELL AT YOUR SISTER!” and the winner: “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”

Life is busy, and instructional conversation makes up the majority of parent/child communication on an average day.

Here are some reasons to slow down, take a few deep breaths, and add some playful conversation — liberally sprinkled with laughter — to your communication:

• Laughter releases endorphins, the ‘feel good’ hormones that boost your mood.  Everyone is happier when the people around them are happier!
• Laughing with your children creates special memories.  When they are all grown up, the happy times will be recalled with great ease, due to laughter’s imprint on the brain!
• Laughter releases tension.  No explanation necessary — we all have pent up stress to release!
• Laughter facilitates an atmosphere of trust.  The effects of laughter last far longer than the actual minutes spent having fun together; the positive interaction increases the trust people feel in one another.

Studies demonstrate that the average child laughs over 300 times per day, while the average adult laughs only 15 times daily!

Let’s commit to increasing the laughter in our interaction with our children.

Yesterday, as I prepared this article, I decided to search youtube for funny clips for us to watch together.  This baby, who has already been featured on the Today Show, had us in stitches!  What do you do to add laughter to your family?

It got to be exhausting. I felt as a responsible parent I should provide my son with answers, but some “why” questions are hard to answer if you are not a walking encyclopedia. It is tough on your ego not to be able answer a 4 year old. There were also the times when I did know the answers. I would launch into a lecture on the migrating patterns of the Canadian geese visiting our backyard. After about 30 seconds his eyes would glaze over and he would run to play on the swings. What was up with that?

Parents do not need to feel inadequate if they don’t have the answers or take the podium when they do have knowledge to share. Most experts agree that when children ask questions out of curiosity they are really saying, “That is so interesting, I would like to figure this out myself or with a little bit of help from an adult.” That is why it is more effective to say to a young child, “That is a great question. Why do you think the sky is blue?” “What an interesting question, can you think of some reasons why the rain makes mud?”

When we answer a “why” question with another “why” question we encourage children to think for themselves and explore their own ideas. Serious “why” questions merit discussion and preferably it should be a child directed dialogue. There is nothing a child loves more than having an adult who is genuinely interested in what they have to say. Kids want to come up with their own answers and it gives them something to mull over. It also helps them develop critical thinking skills. Children feel important when we ask them their opinion it builds their self esteem.

This technique of responding “why do you think?” to our children’s “why” questions, benefits us adults as well. It gives us an idea of what children are thinking about and reminds us to stop and appreciate our wonderful world through the eyes of kids. Children love to engage us in this way. It is a great way to bond with our children. Learning together in a respectful way is a great way to nurture your relationship with your child.

Children may also ask “why” as a way of voicing their concerns. Children don’t come out and directly tell you what is bothering them. Sometimes they do not have the words to describe their inner feelings. When they ask, “Why do I have to go to school?” They might not be trying to “get out of” what they are supposed to be doing. They may be letting you know that they are having a problem with their teacher, peers or their work.

When your child is using “why” to express his worries or fears, he/she is trying to engage you in a discourse. To help your child work through their emotions it can be effective to reflect your child’s feelings. You can say, “You sound upset about school” or “Something seems to be bothering you about school.” This helps open the channels of communication. A child will start to feel comfortable exploring their complex feelings. Reflecting a child’s feelings instead of jumping in and trying to fix the problem helps to keep the conversation flowing. This allows parents to understand a child’s perspective so they can give them the support that they need to manage their problem.

There is another reason why children ask “why.” They may use it as a way to fight against the limits that you set. “Why” questions can be used to defy you and sidetrack you from sticking to your guns. “Why can’t I get another lollipop?” “Why do you always make me wear a hat?” “Why won’t you let me get that video game?” These kinds of questions should send up a red flag.

Children enjoy a good debate and love to try to get you to change your mind. They have plenty of energy for this task. They will ask and ask as a way to confuse you. They hope that the endless questions will wear down all your resistance. They force you into a position where you feel you need to explain yourself and come up with arguments to support your rules. It is a technique that I think I have seen Bugs Bunny use.

In this situation it is effective to use both of the skills outlined above. You can reflect children’s feelings and gently and firmly turn their “Why” question back to them. You can say, “You seem sad about the one lollipop rule, why do you think we have that rule?” “It sounds like your annoyed with your hat, why do you think it is important for people to wear hats?” “You are wishing you can get that video game. Can you tell me why you can’t get it?”

This approach is a soft way of reminding your child that you understand their frustration but that you are confident and staunch in your ability to maintain your non-negotiable rules. You will not be drawn into a series of circular and moot arguments. It is ironic but experts have found that children feel more comfortable and secure when parents do not back down from the rules they set. Although they will fight long and hard children do want to lose these arguments. As soon as they see you mean business they will quickly leave you alone. It is a way for parent’s to respond without actually saying the hated “no”. The endless, never ending arguments will be short- circuited.

This technique also benefits children in other ways. It requires children to think about why rules are important and what the reasons are behind rules. It actually reinforces the limits parents have set, in their minds. They gain a perspective they otherwise would not have. It also forces the child to take our answers more seriously encourages them to become more cooperative.

Children’s can use “why” questions for many different purposes. They can use them to get answers about the world around them, to voice their fears and to gain the upper hand. It is important to recognize why your child is asking “why” so that you can respond appropriately. Reflecting your child’s feelings and and turning their “why” questions back to them is the best way to do that.

Guest post by Adina Soclof. For more great parenting tips like these, visit us at www.parentingsimply.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

Several school officials have asked me to extend this deadline, as it can take some time to get approval for purchases within the framework of an educational facility. Therefore, this offer will remain in place for the rest of March, and be pulled at midnight of March 31, 2011.

Have a wonderful weekend!

(In case you missed the details regarding this bulk bundle special offer, where you get over $400 of products for a tiny fraction of that price, read below.)

I’m about finished sorting through everything from our basement flood. Whew! What a chore! With over $1,000 in damages and no flood insurance, it’s time for me to raise some money to replace ruined computers, furniture, etc – which means, I have a great deal for you.

I’ve bundled my most popular digital products together and am selling them for an ultra-low price. (You won’t believe this deal!)
With this bundle you get…

1. Animal School video (English and Spanish versions): Great for staff development days, open house, PTA meetings and more.

2. Animal School workshop presentation guide: Present the Animal School video & lesson to your staff, parents and co-workers.

3. Peer Pressure eBook: Get the lowdown on peer pressure and how to help your child manage it in a positive way.

4. Creating Hours eBook and Audio Book: Create more time in your day without making major changes. Tips book gives you more hours every day.

5. From Awkward Solitude To Blessed Friendship eBook: Learn how to empower your child to overcome social challenges so they can make friends and improve their social skills.

6. Parenting Retreat: 30 hours of practical parenting advice, training and more from expert coaches, counselors and educators.

7. Connection Parenting Workshop: Audio – over five hours of practical tips from Ellen Braun’s 2010 workshop to improve your emotional connection with your child – at every age and stage.

8. Educational Wisdom Movie: Breathtaking educational images and famous quotes about the wisdom of education, this movie is perfect for conferences, waiting rooms, PTA’s, and more.

9. What a Teacher Makes Movie: An insightful story about the awesome power a teacher has to touch young lives. A lovely story presentation for teachers and school staff. Plus a ‘Talking Points’ worksheet accompaniment.

Everything is downloadable – no shipping required – so you get it all instantly!

To buy all of this separately, it would cost you over $400 but for ONE WEEK ONLY, I’m giving it to you for $37! No need to rub your eyes or clean your monitor screen, you read that right.

From now through March 31st, you can buy this entire package for $37 by clicking the link below.

http://bit.ly/hJR1Vd

While I’m rebuilding my office, you can be using these resources to help yourself, your classroom, your staff and others raise happy, healthy, responsible children.

Here’s that buy link again.

http://bit.ly/hJR1Vd

To raising emotionally healthy children!

Ellen

Becky feels that it only lets up when they are asleep. It is driving her and her husband crazy. All those visions of a peaceful and happy home have gone down the tubes.

As a parent of 4 children, I can relate. My children were actually arguing the other day over whether the limousine that we saw at the gas station was black or white. It seemed like a bad comedy skit.

It might not help you in the heat of the moment but parents need to know that the fighting between siblings is normal and even can be healthy. This is hard pill to swallow. Even though we might have fought with our own siblings growing up, we still cling to our idealized visions of what family life should be like. The reality is that our fantasies of having a “happy, peaceful” home are just that, fantasies. Family life is fraught with conflict. It is tough to get along with the people we live with. I once heard a saying, “ Blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.”

When siblings fight they are reacting to the overwhelming negative emotions that they have toward their siblings. They have to learn to manage their envious feelings, which is not an easy task. Most children feel jealous the minute their parents bring a new baby home from the hospital. Siblings also feel resentment if one sibling receives a gift and the other does not. They get angry if their parents tend to take one sibling’s side over another’s when there is conflict or if parents spend more time with their siblings. Children also have difficulties if one sibling gets more attention than another due to a talent or skill. Kids will also fight if they are bored, hungry, or tired or just because they have spent way too much time together.

Do not despair; there is a positive side to children’s fighting. All that bickering that drives us nuts actually helps children resolve disputes, learn to cooperate and pushes them to come up with compromises. Experts have also found that the battles that go on daily do not keep them from being close when they are grown.

So what are we supposed to do as parents? Do we just close our eyes and ears to the fighting and hope for it to go away? The answer is yes and no.

If it is just regular bickering then we can try to ignore it. We can busy ourselves in the kitchen making dinner or quickly hide ourselves away in the bathroom. For the rest, we can intervene but we don’t want to interfere in a judgmental way. This just makes things worse. It is best if you just reflect their feelings in a respectful and neutral manner and guide them back to each other so they can resolve their own problems.

The following examples show you how this can work. Here are some ways that you can respond without judgment in a way that shows respect for both children and helps them focus on solutions.

1.“I didn’t do anything”

Instead of Judging: “If you didn’t do anything then why is he crying? You need to stop bothering him!”
Do say: “You are not sure what happened to get him upset…” “You feel like you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. What can you guys do to fix this problem?”

2. “He started it!”

Instead of Judging: “Well if you started it, you need to go to your room!”
Do Say: “You feel like he started it and you feel like he started it. That sometimes happens when people disagree. Are you guys ready to think of some solutions or are you still too mad? “

3. “She is making a big deal out of nothing!”

Instead of Judging: “ You are right, you are both making a big deal out of nothing!”
Do Say: “ You feel like this is a fight I should not get involved in. It seems to me that Sara wants me to get involved; she does not feel like it is nothing. She feels like this fight is getting out of hand but you think this is something you can deal with just between the two of you. This is tough, let’s see if you can figure this out. I will be right here if you need me.”

4. “She is so sensitive, she cries about everything!”

Instead of Judging: “You need to stop making her cry. You need to be nicer!”
Do Say: “ You feel that she should toughen up more. It seems to you that she gets upset by little things. If you are ready to listen I can tell you about sensitive people and people who have thick skins. It is important to learn how to handle both types of people.”

5. “Everything I do is wrong!”

Instead of Judging: “If you would listen to me and be nice you wouldn’t have that problem!”
Do Say: “That can hurt to feel that way- you want to know how you can get along better with the family. Let’s think of ways that we can do that.”

6. “She always gets to go first!”

Instead of Judging: “Okay, you will get to go first, next time.”
Do Say: “It seems to you that she gets to go before you. You would like to go first sometimes to. You can say to Caitlin, next time I want a turn to go first.”

We are all aware of the challenges parents have in raising more than one child. Reflecting our children’s feelings and guiding them to resolve their own conflicts is a great skill to use to help us cope. It transforms potentially harmful and destructive interactions into positive relationship building moments. Most importantly you are modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on other people’s feelings. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully with all the people they encounter throughout their lives.

For more great tips on managing sibling rivalry join our workshops at www.parentingsimply.com

Our computer systems were irreparably damaged.  A tremendous amount of inventory is now waterlogged and useless.  Additionally, many important documents, such as birth certificates, have been ruined by the flood.

Our home of six years had never flooded until this day, so it had not seemed to be unwise to set up RaisingSmallSouls’ office in the lower level of the house.  This way, I could work at home while being a stay at home mom — the best of both worlds.

Right now, we are unsure about where to reestablish RaisingSmallSouls’ office.  However, in the interim, a massive amount of expenses must be covered in order to continue to run the RaisingSmallSouls site — namely, a new computer, printer, and various office furniture and supplies.

You can support RaisingSmallSouls.com without parting with a single dime.  Simply click on RaisingSmallSouls’ Amazon link to make your usual purchases on Amazon.com.

You will notice that Amazon looks exactly the same as it usually does when you type the letters a-m-a-z-o-n into your browser.  However, by making any purchase within 24 hours of clicking on RaisingSmallSouls’ Amazon link, 4-7% of your purchase will benefit our website.  It may not seem like a significant amount if you are buying a $10 book or game, but small change adds up.  RaisingSmallSouls receives over 100,000 monthly visitors, so if half of them buy a product or two from Amazon through our link, our offices will be up and running again in short order.

===>>>  THIS IS RAISINGSMALLSOULS’ AMAZON LINK  <<<===

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your support in advance.

Purchase books, groceries, strollers, exercise equipment, DVD’s, toys, and more on Amazon — there are few products that they do not sell!  Additionally, purchasing products on Amazon gives you the valuable opportunity to read prior customers’ reviews and testimonials, which aid your shopping decisions.

Once again, thank you.  I look forward to continuing to serve you with timely parenting tips and advice as soon as all of my soggy stuff is trashed!

To our children’s success,

Ellen

I would like to give you two resources I found and two methods I used that quickly changed my son’s behavior to that of a boy who was eager to please and where the negativity ended in the course of one day.

SETTING LIMITS

I desperately did not want to have this negative vibe in my home and it wasn’t long that I found out about a book called Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Proving CLEAR Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D. In his book, MacKenzie shows you the family “dance” you do by either being too permissive or too authoritarian in discipline. He shows you how to say exactly what you want (as opposed to what you DON’T want) and the clear consequences if the child does not follow through. It puts the responsibility on the child alone.

SUPER NANNY

I don’t know if this show is on anymore but I got some great advice from Jo Frost from Super Nanny when she’d make up all these fun charts and prizes. We never needed to use a naughty chair that much, but time outs did work when Aidan was under three years. I always liked her fun and creative ways to encourage good behavior.

A STICKER CHART

Idea from Super Nanny

An effective strategy we’ve used in my family to get our son to behave when he was between 2-4 years old is a sticker chart. We’d make up a 7 day chart vertically then divide it horizontally with a smiley face for good behavior on the left and a frowny face for bad behavior on the right.

During the course of the day Aidan would get a sticker for behaving well or an X in the frowny face half of the chart. If he had more stickers at the end of the day, he could watch his favorite show before bedtime. At the end of the week, if Aidan had more stickers than Xs, we’d get him a little surprise, like a yo-yo or a coloring book. Build up the surprises and rewards as big deals – they are to little kids. Even getting a sticker is exciting for little kids. This encourages good behavior.

TAKE AWAY A PRIVLEDGE OR TOY

This is one of the methods that we’ve used after reading the book, Setting Limits.

Kids like to play with their toys, but they don’t like cleaning them up. One good way to get your child to cooperate with keeping his or her toys off the floor is to simply take away the favorite toy that’s left out carelessly.

You need to warn beforehand though. Tell your child twice – one time to give notice that you will be taking the toy away if the chore is not done, then give them some time. If it is not done 5 minutes (or within a reasonable timeframe) before the time is up, then say as such. Use kitchen timer for effectiveness. “You have five minutes to pick up this mess. If it is not done by the time the bell rings, then I am taking your Buzz Lightyear away for the rest of today and tomorrow.”

It took only one time for me to put Aidan’s Toy Story action figures high up in the closet for the rest of the day and the next for him not to leave them out in the living room again. There was some whining, but as the parent who has set these boundaries, you don’t have to yell back. All you need to say is that better choices can be made next time.

As Aidan gets older, privileges are now as important as his belongings. Aidan’s at the age where he loves to watch a cartoon episode of The Last Airbender on Netflix every night before bed. He excitedly looks forward to it every day.

But his teacher has been giving us reports that he’s not paying attention in class, is name calling and doesn’t complete his school work. We’ve told him that until his behavior at school improves, then we take away his privilege of his favorite show.

Know what is important to your child, then leverage that with insisting on reasonable, proper behavior.

These two methods have served our family well since our son was about two years old and he’s going on six now. There is no yelling in our family and we have relative peace. The next big issue to handle is disrespectful backtalk. Back to the book again!

Amy Tanathorn is a work-at-home mom who shares her and her son’s love of Pixar movies on The Leaping Lamp. You’ll find the synopsis and characters for each movie as well as the best Disney Pixar merchandise and party supplies.

Here is how it works:

• Check out the upcoming Parenting 101 & 102 Workshop:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/parentingworkshop/
• Think about a friend or family member who would benefit greatly from the workshop, but cannot afford to attend.
• Leave a comment below that anonymously describes how your friend would gain from the Parenting 101 & 102 Workshop.

Some caveats:

• You may not nominate yourself.  (Sorry!)
• Use your real email address in the “Speak your mind” form, so that we can contact you privately to obtain your nominee’s email address.
• Melody Spier, my incredible assistant from http://essentialofficesupport.com/ will choose the five winners based on merit.
• Expires midnight of March 1, 2011, so act quickly!
  

My Commitment to Parent Education

by:  Alan Carson

ACPI Coach for Parents and Parent Educator

PARENTING TWEENS & TEENS WORKSHOP:  Reserve your slot right now — CLICK HERE!

After years as a high school health education teacher and basketball coach, I received my school guidance counselor degree and looked forward to my second career as a middle school guidance counselor. I was also looking forward to being a first time father. The combination of these two events led me to want to initiate parent education classes for our parents.

I believe most of you would agree that when you are anticipating the birth of your first child, you spend a lot of time reflecting on the kind of person you are and the kind of person you need to be— and how to make that transition. I clearly remember dwelling on these things:

1.  I was pleased with my relationship with most of my students, but was not  at peace with my interactions with other students. I would need to  change my behavior and my attitude; I would need to be an effective, caring  school counselor for all kids— regardless of whether I liked each student.

2.  The most amazing kids I worked with almost universally had loving, dedicated, and fun parents. Therefore, I concluded that if I were the parent  I needed to be, I would raise a great kid. I concluded nurture was stronger than nature.  No excuses.  Regardless of my child’s issues or temperament, she would be a good person.

3.  I would not be an effective leader for my students or my daughter if I didn’t work to be a better person myself ( my occasional poor response when angry was one example). Within the first several years as a counselor and  father, I read twenty good parenting books, and to date have read close to a hundred related books. I reflected on what I read and accepted what made   sense to me based on my career with kids, and rejected what did not. Slowly   over time I moved away from the parent education program I started with         and created a course that worked for me.

4.  There is no way I could facilitate parenting classes unless I walked the talk, and my child was developing into the person I envisioned her to be.

My commitment to the class members was this: if the topics we addressed in class were not working at home with my daughter, I will stop facilitating  classes. I’ll conclude by saying my daughter is now a freshman in college and parent education/coaching is still my passion.

The reason parent education is so important is that it gives you a philosophical basis for making parenting decisions and for responding to problems.  For example, I relied on my “new” wisdom when my daughter:

• kicked me and spit on my when she was seven

• acted like a spoiled brat when we took her on nice trips;

• failed to show gratitude

• wanted to watch television while doing homework beginning in the 6th   grade

• had a friend who I thought was a bad influence

• expected to have or attend sleepovers when the opportunity arose

• asked to be dropped off at a party after the 9th grade Homecoming Dance

• was devastated when she wasn’t chosen for the Chamber Choir in high  school

• wanted a cellular phone in 5th grade

This is the benefit of taking a comprehensive parent education course.  At the conclusion of the course, you are a different person with new skills and tools. You’ll think before making decisions, you will get angry less often, you’ll listen better and you won’t own all of your kids’ problems.  A whole new set of challenges comes into play with teens. Ellen, Vivian and I guarantee you will be a better parent s a result of taking this course— it comes with a money-back guarantee!

Weekly curriculum

Week 1: Parenting with a vision; Parenting leadership

The culture of neglect

The value of struggle

Self-esteem, self-concept and self-worth

Praise and recognition

Week 2:  What is your parenting style

Letting Go

Responsibility

Discipline vs punishment

Week 3:  Discipline

Why anger is counterproductive

Power struggles vs giving choices

Week 4:  Discipline wrap-up

Problem Ownership

Communication; being a safe listening presence

Week 5:  Communication

Week 6:  Sibling Rivalry

Sexuality and the teen culture

Drinking and the party scene

PARENTING TWEENS & TEENS WORKSHOP:  Reserve your slot right now — CLICK HERE!

First – it’s true. The teenage years are the most difficult years of a parent’s life. Perhaps not immediately, but when you stop and look at the stages you can expect to observe in your child’s life, you quickly realize your friendly 14-year-old son may not even be speaking to you in another year or so.  And not out of any particular conflict you may have caused, either.

A Danish psychologist named Erick Erickson is credited with first observing and documenting recognizable stages of normal social development in a child’s life. These are the essential issues he observed children dealing with, from birth to age 19:

If you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon of a child’s teenage years that seem to start out with remarkable harmony and communication, only to shift seemingly overnight into silence, withdrawal and discord, what you have most likely run into is the shift into sexual identity that occurs some time during this long period of social development.

This is a very difficult time for many teens. They need to be free to explore society and relationships, and figure out their own beliefs, morals and values. At this time, parental beliefs, morals and values are subjected to merciless and critical scrutiny. Depending on how well a parent has helped his or her child through earlier stages, the ride may become bumpy to perilous as a child accepts or rejects everything you have taught him.

Setting Your Child Up For His Teens

If you have not done an adequate job of helping your child learn to get a handle on his age-appropriate issues, here is where you will reap the consequences rather than the rewards. But even if you have unselfishly done everything you can to gently encourage your child through each stage and tip him towards the positive side of each age issue, his crucial search for identity and solidifying his beliefs alone will be a confusing and anxious period for him.

This is one rarely-understood reason why children seem to prefer the company of and communication with peers, rather than their parents. It’s easier to talk to someone who is thinking the way you do, feeling the things you feel and coping with the same pressures – the people you have to measure yourself against for life – rather than choosing to talk to people who may, at this point, seem out of touch and obsolete.

The balance does shift back again when a child reaches their twenties, but a truly  close relationship may not develop naturally again until closer to your child’s thirties – depending on the choices they make and how you have handled parenthood.

Understanding The Natural Order of Parenting

All this is normal.  In nature, the deep, inborn instinct is for animal parents to be highly protective of their young – that much we share with the animal kingdom. As the baby animal or bird grows, however, parents begin to push it as quickly as possible towards independence and self-reliance, ruthlessly severing ties when the young animal barely reaches maturity.  They instinctively know that their baby’s very survival depends on this self-reliance and independence being learned as rapidly as possible.

We are the only species who regularly attempts to keep our children attached for life by an invisible umbilical cord.  However, the paradoxical truth is… the more self-reliant and independent we help our teenager become, the more he will stay bonded to us as an adult – not in a needy, dependent or immature way, but in a bond created of  love, friendship and mutual respect.

In other words, the old hippie adage of the 1970’s is actually true: “If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.”

Of course, this cutting of the psychological umbilical chord has to be done wisely. It doesn’t mean suddenly letting your teen do whatever he wants or booting him out the door.  It means honoring each stage and helping your child learn each stage’s pivotal lesson – including fully experiencing the teenage years, where you gently give your child a careful balance of security and space:  The security of solid family values and a safety net he can return to and depend on at any time… and the space to explore how he fits into society and who he is meant to be as a spiritual, sexual and aware human adult.

Here are some tips for creating a healthy, lasting bond with your child – one that will survive the turbulent teens and provide you both with a lifetime of love, respect and enjoyment…

10 Tips on Becoming a Superparent

1. Be consistent. This tops the list in helping your teen sort out confusing teen issues and develop solid values. Be consistent in your values, morals and expectations – and follow through on promises and disciplinary decisions

2. Create and share experiences. The Play Station III may be what your teenage son thinks he wants right now – but positive experiences and adventures you share together are what will nourish him for a lifetime.  All the presents in the world won’t compensate a child for your absence, emotional or otherwise, during his formative years.

3. Teach him with love. Sharing your skills with your child is a great way to further strengthen your bond – but make sure you allow him to “own” whatever you’re teaching. Don’t compete, and resist the urge to show him you can do it better (remember, it’s his confidence you are trying to build, not undermine!)

4. Model charity.  Children who see only self-absorption will become self-absorbed. Teach him there’s a bigger world out there by your behavior and actions. Carry your elderly neighbour’s groceries in for her. Get your child involved in charitable causes – even if it’s just allowing them to observe your involvement.  Speak up for what is right and care about those who are too defeated and despairing to care about themselves.

5. Don’t Judge. Children who hear nothing but criticism – even if it’s about other people – will become critical themselves. They will not know how to truly love and accept other people. Criticism leads to shallowness and an emphasis on externals, rather than deeper principles.

6. Don’t play the “Blame-and-Shame” Game. It’s surprising how many parents who actively use an impartial problem-solving focus at work will switch to “blame and shame” at home, when dealing with your children. Blaming and shaming will gift your children with nothing but a head and heart full of guilt, leading to defensiveness, evasion, lying and resentment. Instead, focus on the problem, not the perpetrator. Ask your child: “Now. How can we fix this?”

7. Listen.  True listening is an art. It doesn’t mean muttering: “That’s nice, dear…” when your daughter tells you her heart has just been broken. Listening tells a child he is important enough for you to give him your whole attention. Show you are listening by asking thoughtful, considered questions. Let him speak. In fact, create opportunities for you to be together in a situation that promotes communication. Listen, acknowledge, question and validate.

8. Teach the law of consequences.  One of the worst mistakes you can make is to protect your child from the consequences of his own actions. Allowing a child to be accountable for his behavior and deal with the consequences will teach him the lessons you want him to learn more quickly than anything else in life. Parents who shelter their children from consequences are rarely ever thanked and usually blamed later in life!

9. Love each other. If you are part of a parental unit, treat each other with respect and don’t be afraid to show affection. Have time for each other. And respect yourselves. Let your child see everything you want him to be, when he is old enough to separate and bond with another human being. Remember, he will learn from what is modeled – not what is never observed. A daughter will not learn self-confidence if her mother is a “pleaser” who constantly sublimates her own needs. A son will not learn wisdom and warmth from a father who never has time for his own family.

10. Pay Attention! Pay attention not only to your child, but to your own speech, actions and behavior. Often the pivotal moment that sends a child firmly down one path for life stems from careless parental comments, or inconsistencies in speech and behavior observed by a child. Children observe more than you might think – and in teenage years, your past actions and speech will be melted in a crucible of merciless clarity as your child evaluates your example.

Parenting an animal is a relatively simple task, solely about survival on its most basic level – avoid the predators and find food and a mate.

Parenting a human being from birth to adulthood is an astonishingly complex job. You have to teach him intangibles such as values, morality, handling emotion, interacting positively with people and how to make wise life choices.

The rewards are greater than we can ever imagine, when we suddenly realize at the end of the long and complicated teen years that we have produced a caring, ethical human being who can really make a difference in people’s lives – just as we have made a difference in his.

Smart snacks will help with your child’s overall health as well as developing a bright, healthy smile.

Good Choices Start With You

“Our kids watch us for behavior cues throughout their years of development,” states Dr. Lance Heppler, DMD, a dentist in Vancouver, WA. In order to keep your child’s teeth healthy with smart snacks, it’s a good idea to work them into your diet as well.

Incorporate plenty of fruits and vegetables into your daily diet, and practice good oral hygiene in front of your kids by brushing and flossing twice a day. These habits will help your kids realize the importance of making good choices to keep their teeth healthy.

Your Kids’ Opinions Count

Including a variety of fruits and vegetables into your family’s diet doesn’t have to be one person’s responsibility. Buy and prepare fruits and vegetables in different ways, then ask your kids’ opinions about which ones they liked the best.

These kinds of conversations can also be a great opportunity for you and your kids to discuss what kinds of foods are good for their teeth. Include your kids when possible, and they’ll be more enthusiastic about the changes regarding what they eat.

List of Smart Snacks

To help your kids choose healthier snacks, begin the transition slowly. I started by shopping for and buying healthier choices and not purchasing the high-sugar foods we were used to eating. I found the easiest way to incorporate fruits and vegetables was to include one of each at lunch and dinner, and a fruit at breakfast. Crunchier foods, like apples and celery, naturally help to clean teeth and don’t leave residue behind.

These smart snacks can be added to a regular meal or eaten as a snack during the day:

Fresh Fruit

These can be served with low-fat yogurt or cream cheese to combine savory and sweet.

• Apples
• Berries
• Bananas
• Pineapple

Raw Veggies

Combine these with condiments like low-fat dressing or peanut butter for a yummy snack.

• Carrots
• Celery
• Cucumbers
• Broccoli

Dairy

Choose low-fat or non-fat options to keep a diet low in fat.

• Cottage cheese
• Yogurt
• Hard cheeses, like cheddar

Basic Dental Hygiene Tips

Build a basic routine with your kids when it comes to basic dental hygiene. They need to brush and floss their teeth twice a day, once in the morning and once before bedtime. Practice this habit with your kids, and make sure to get them in to see a dentist every six months. Together, these steps will ensure healthy, bright smiles for your whole family!

Kelly Wilson is a busy mom and freelance writer. For more information about keeping your kids’ teeth healthy, contact Dr. Lance Heppler, DMD, a dentist in Vancouver, WA.

By:  Alan Carson

Alan Carson is an ACPI© Coach for Parents and the author of Before They Know It All:Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality. Alan’s website is www.coachforparents.net and can be reached through e-mail at alancrsn@gmail.com Alan has also facilitated teleclasses for RaisingSmallSouls on a variety of parenting topics such as communication with teens, problem ownership, and talking to teens and preteens about sexuality.

Most of you would be familiar by now with Amy Chua, a Chinese-American mother, Yale law professor and author of the recently released book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Amy has appeared on numerous television interview shows in the past week, and many articles about Amy’s book have appeared in print because of Amy’s strict and inflexible parenting style, a replica how she was raised. Amy’s book is not a “how to” parenting book, but a memoir of her personal parenting journey with her two teen daughters, Sophia and Lulu. To clarify, “tiger” is in reference to being born in the “year of the tiger.”

Prior to sharing my opinions on her parenting style and philosophy, it is important to provide context. I spent thirty-six years in public education, my last sixteen as a middle school guidance counselor. As a result of my work, I am well aware that a disproportionate number of Asian Americans comprise the student bodies at our best universities— and the reasons for this phenomenon.

One of my favorite all-time students was AJ, who was born in India and sent by his father to live with his aunt and uncle in Pennsylvania— hoping AJ would have a better life. AJ wanted to be a teacher, however, after sharing this with his aunt and uncle, was immediately told that being a teacher was an unacceptable goal and would bring shame to his family. AJ was to work hard to become a physician. As you can imagine, AJ was a superb student and went to college at the top tier Case Western Reserve University, majoring in biology. I went to Cleveland to visit AJ and was struck by how few students were Caucasian Americans. I clearly recall saying to AJ, “AJ, there aren’t any white people here.” AJ’s response was, “Too many kids in the U.S. don’t value an education— everyone else in the world does.” I conclude by telling you that AJ reached his goal. He is a cardiologist who also teaches at in hospital in which he has his practice!

Regardless of the challenges we parents face, I am appalled with Amy Chua’s methods. Nevertheless, we have to keep in mind that the Chinese culture is different than our culture, and this is why it is not appropriate to make cultural comparisons regarding education. Three beliefs held by most Chinese people with respect to parenting are:

1) When children don’t excel academically, the family is shamed; it is a child’s duty to his parents to be exceptional in school
2) Anything less than an A is unacceptable
3) Being a kid, having fun, watching TV, and playing with friends or on the computer lacks value; devotion to work for future success is the target.

These Asian beliefs aren’t without fallout. The pressure to succeed, let alone failing to succeed, leads many young Asians and Asian Americans to suicide. This reality is well documented in our top tier schools. For example, even though Asian Americans only comprise 14% of the students at Cornell, 13 of the 21 on campus suicides between 1996 and 2006 were Asian/Asian American students. To quote journalism professor Betty Ming Liu, “Parents like Amy Chua are the reason why Asian Americans like me are in therapy.”

Specific to Tiger Mom’s book, I will list excerpts from her book (in bold) along with my opinion regarding her comments.

Amy made Lulu, age 7, practice the piano piece, The Little White Donkey non-stop for hours and hours one evening until she perfected it. No dinner, no water, no bathroom break— nothing. After numerous breakdowns and threats, Lulu played the piece perfectly and was very proud of herself.

At the very most, I could accept this once— to make the point to our child that, “You can achieve great things you never thought you could achieve if you work hard, stick with it, and refuse to make excuses.” After that, it is up to the child to tell himself, “If I can learn The Little White Donkey in one night, I can do anything.” To make this approach standard practice is insane.

Amy told Sophia she was “garbage” for talking to her disrespectfully. Amy’s father called her garbage as well for the same infraction. Amy said, “It worked. I felt terrible and really ashamed of what I had done. It did not damage my self-esteem. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me.”

Are you willing to take the risk that you can degrade your child and he would not be scarred by it? I hope not. It is a rare person who can border on being brutal with a child and have that child understand and respect why the adult said what he said. Some gifted sports coaches (i.e. Vince Lombardi) have been able to lead this way, but to say those things to your own child? Remember how offended we were when William Baldwin called his daughter a pig?

“Everything I do as a mother is built on a foundation of love and compassion.”

It doesn’t matter what I think I am doing. What matters is how my child interprets what I am doing. Is it OK to abuse your child and say, “I am doing this because I love you?” You’d be setting you child up to be in very abusive relationships because her boundaries were not respected— out of love!

“By disciplining me, my parents inculcated self-discipline.”

That is the goal— for our discipline to lead to self-discipline. But I don’t think the end justified the mean. There are more humanistic ways.

When Amy won 2nd place for something at a school awards assembly, her dad said to her, “Never, ever, disgrace me like that again.”
So, our kids should not be experiencing success for themselves, but for their parents? Totally disagree. My daughter’s life is her life, not mine. If she behaves badly, she is reflecting badly on her own character. She needs to accept responsibility for her own her life. If my daughter messes up, I want her to be disappointed in herself. I also think, what about the other parents and the other kids? Don’t they matter? Do I only win when I am better than everyone else? I am a winner, therefore you are a loser.

Paraphrasing Amy, “My parents didn’t think about our happiness when we were children, they thought about preparing us for the future.”

I agree. We want our kids to make it in the real world and whether they are happy at any given moment in their childhood is not the priority. If it is the priority, our kids will be wimps. On this very topic, I highly recommend Edward Hallowell’s book, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness.

Amy’s kids practiced their instruments seven days a week, no excuses. While in Moscow, Amy got into an argument with Lulu, then 13, because she was not practicing the violin well enough and long enough. Quoting Amy, “All out nuclear warfare doesn’t quite capture it. After screaming and a glass smashing public showdown in a restaurant, I admitted defeat. ‘Lulu you win. It is over. We’re giving up the violin.’”
First, I do not like hearing parents say “we” when referring to something the child should own (i.e., “we need to start your homework.”) Second, power struggles are lose-lose. If our child doesn’t want us to win, he can dig his heels in. We have to keep in mind humans have basic psychological needs: fun, control, sense of belonging and feeling capable to name four. We have to meet our child’s needs. Making our child do something because it is important to us, yet not impacting us, is dysfunctional.

“Chinese parents demand their kids get A’s because we believe they can get A’s.”

It is wonderful to believe in your child and his capabilities, but what if he truly struggles to learn Geometry or Russian? Are we willing to ruin our relationship with our child over striving for A’s? Are we willing to turn every evening into a tension-filled battle? Of equal importance, people who pursue excellence in life are self-motivated, they love challenges, and they enjoy the journey.

The way I see it, there are better ways to achieve our goals. We can raise our children to be responsible, to be resilient, and to take pride in doing their best. Our kids can feel disappointment when they let us down without us telling them they should feel badly. We can raise kids to care about other people and contribute to their community. Lastly, we can have high expectations for our children, yet maintain a connected relationship with them.