“Don’t Write Off My Child!”

Guest post by Cornelia Gibson of Surviving Broken Promises:

When my son was in the 7th grade, I was told in May of that year that his teacher wanted to hold him back due to low test scores, lack of interest, and lack of effort. Although I immediately disagreed with the later two, I suggested having him tested for a learning disability. I was told that there was no way in which to get him tested before the end of the school year. Then I suggested summer school in which I was told that would be double jeopardy. Huh, I questioned. It was explained that they do not do both. They don’t hold a child back and send him to summer school too. This did not make sense to me. If a child is in jeopardy of failing I believe that child should have all available resources afforded to him but apparently I was alone on this issue and in my thinking. I refused to sign the form allowing them to hold him back.

I didn’t know what to do but what I did was two things. I immediately filed an appeal with the school district. Secondly, I remembered that I had a recent connection with someone who worked for the school district and in counseling testing department at that. I called this person and asked for a favor in which it was granted. My son had completed all testing within three weeks. As it turned out he did in fact have a learning disability. While attending the next meeting with two of his teachers, the principal, and a learning resource specialist, the principal announced that he would not be held back due to the appeal that I filed.

One teacher was visibly upset by this news and questioned why I was able to do this. Because I’m his mother and his advocate that’s why. I will never forget her response in which she said, “Allowing him to pass is a big mistake. We will all be right back here next year this time and he will never pass the state exit exams.” Then she went on to say that she was refusing to sign any forms in which stated that she was in agreement with this new decision.

I am happy to report that although my son was eligible for special resources, he only utilized them for two years. All he needed was a different style of teaching to match his different style of learning. I understand that teachers cannot cater to each and every student’s learning style due to the enormous class sizes. I also believe that as parents we need to speak up for our children and advocate on their behalf. Most students want to succeed and will believe in themselves more when they see others believing in them. Parents should not be afraid to stand up for their children in any circumstance.

Last but not least, my son made the honor roll almost every semester beginning with 8th grade. He is now a senior and will be graduating in June. He has passed both high school exit exams and has had his driver’s license for the past 1 ½ years. He just completed an application for the local community college and will start working on his Associates Degree in Graphic Design beginning this Fall. If you can’t tell by now, I am so proud of him for not giving in and giving up. We already have enough young men from single parent homes that meet that criteria, but not here!

The Purest Love

By: Kira Shcherbakova
Christian Inspirational Author and Speaker

One day, when Mitchell was under two years of age (now three years old), he took a chair from the kitchen and started dragging it into the room. We have carpet outside of the kitchen, so once he got to that point, it got much harder to push. However he persisted.

My husband, Gene, told him to stop and put the chair back in its place, but Mitchell didn’t listen.
Gene told him again. He started to get irritated and raise his voice. Mitchell did not yield, but continued to push the chair into the room.

By the time Mitchell reached the computer table where Gene was sitting, my husband was sternly looking at him and saying, “Why did you drag the chair here? Go put it back!”

Mitchell quietly pushed the chair toward Gene, looked at him with his sweet and innocent eyes and said, “Here you go dad. Sit down.”

He dragged the chair halfway across the apartment, through thick carpet, endured Gene’s reprimands and lovingly, with concern for his dad’s comfort, put it next to him so Gene could sit down.

We so often blame our family for not doing enough for us, reproach them for behaving unsuitably, criticize them for not doing things our way. But so rarely do we just love the people closest to us, with a pure and unconditional love.

Sure, maybe our parents criticize us; maybe they try to control us. Maybe our spouses ignore us or don’t want to understand how we feel. Maybe our siblings hold grudges against us from some childhood situations. But does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Let us learn from our children. Let’s persevere through the criticism, persist through the misunderstanding and, with love and concern, serve the people closest to us.

Let us love our family the way our children love us, with the purest love.

Why is Laughter Important for Children?

Some days, communication between parents and children goes like this:

“Wash your hands!” “Did you find the other shoe?” “I need the permission slip signed today!” “Don’t yell at your sister!” “Where’s my homework?” “I signed that permission slip yesterday!” “Did you check under the table?” “Are you really going out looking like that?” “Can you drive me and Madison to the mall now?” “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about!” “He started it!” “I SAID DON’T YELL AT YOUR SISTER!” and the winner: “If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?”

Life is busy, and instructional conversation makes up the majority of parent/child communication on an average day.

Here are some reasons to slow down, take a few deep breaths, and add some playful conversation — liberally sprinkled with laughter — to your communication:

• Laughter releases endorphins, the ‘feel good’ hormones that boost your mood.  Everyone is happier when the people around them are happier!
• Laughing with your children creates special memories.  When they are all grown up, the happy times will be recalled with great ease, due to laughter’s imprint on the brain!
• Laughter releases tension.  No explanation necessary — we all have pent up stress to release!
• Laughter facilitates an atmosphere of trust.  The effects of laughter last far longer than the actual minutes spent having fun together; the positive interaction increases the trust people feel in one another.

Studies demonstrate that the average child laughs over 300 times per day, while the average adult laughs only 15 times daily!

Let’s commit to increasing the laughter in our interaction with our children.

Yesterday, as I prepared this article, I decided to search youtube for funny clips for us to watch together.  This baby, who has already been featured on the Today Show, had us in stitches!  What do you do to add laughter to your family?

Why do Children Ask ‘Why’?

When my oldest son was 4 he asked a lot of “why” questions. “Why do people have bones that are hard?” “Why are frogs green?” “Why is this puzzle piece shaped like this?”

It got to be exhausting. I felt as a responsible parent I should provide my son with answers, but some “why” questions are hard to answer if you are not a walking encyclopedia. It is tough on your ego not to be able answer a 4 year old. There were also the times when I did know the answers. I would launch into a lecture on the migrating patterns of the Canadian geese visiting our backyard. After about 30 seconds his eyes would glaze over and he would run to play on the swings. What was up with that?

Parents do not need to feel inadequate if they don’t have the answers or take the podium when they do have knowledge to share. Most experts agree that when children ask questions out of curiosity they are really saying, “That is so interesting, I would like to figure this out myself or with a little bit of help from an adult.” That is why it is more effective to say to a young child, “That is a great question. Why do you think the sky is blue?” “What an interesting question, can you think of some reasons why the rain makes mud?”

When we answer a “why” question with another “why” question we encourage children to think for themselves and explore their own ideas. Serious “why” questions merit discussion and preferably it should be a child directed dialogue. There is nothing a child loves more than having an adult who is genuinely interested in what they have to say. Kids want to come up with their own answers and it gives them something to mull over. It also helps them develop critical thinking skills. Children feel important when we ask them their opinion it builds their self esteem.

This technique of responding “why do you think?” to our children’s “why” questions, benefits us adults as well. It gives us an idea of what children are thinking about and reminds us to stop and appreciate our wonderful world through the eyes of kids. Children love to engage us in this way. It is a great way to bond with our children. Learning together in a respectful way is a great way to nurture your relationship with your child.

Children may also ask “why” as a way of voicing their concerns. Children don’t come out and directly tell you what is bothering them. Sometimes they do not have the words to describe their inner feelings. When they ask, “Why do I have to go to school?” They might not be trying to “get out of” what they are supposed to be doing. They may be letting you know that they are having a problem with their teacher, peers or their work.

When your child is using “why” to express his worries or fears, he/she is trying to engage you in a discourse. To help your child work through their emotions it can be effective to reflect your child’s feelings. You can say, “You sound upset about school” or “Something seems to be bothering you about school.” This helps open the channels of communication. A child will start to feel comfortable exploring their complex feelings. Reflecting a child’s feelings instead of jumping in and trying to fix the problem helps to keep the conversation flowing. This allows parents to understand a child’s perspective so they can give them the support that they need to manage their problem.

There is another reason why children ask “why.” They may use it as a way to fight against the limits that you set. “Why” questions can be used to defy you and sidetrack you from sticking to your guns. “Why can’t I get another lollipop?” “Why do you always make me wear a hat?” “Why won’t you let me get that video game?” These kinds of questions should send up a red flag.

Children enjoy a good debate and love to try to get you to change your mind. They have plenty of energy for this task. They will ask and ask as a way to confuse you. They hope that the endless questions will wear down all your resistance. They force you into a position where you feel you need to explain yourself and come up with arguments to support your rules. It is a technique that I think I have seen Bugs Bunny use.

In this situation it is effective to use both of the skills outlined above. You can reflect children’s feelings and gently and firmly turn their “Why” question back to them. You can say, “You seem sad about the one lollipop rule, why do you think we have that rule?” “It sounds like your annoyed with your hat, why do you think it is important for people to wear hats?” “You are wishing you can get that video game. Can you tell me why you can’t get it?”

This approach is a soft way of reminding your child that you understand their frustration but that you are confident and staunch in your ability to maintain your non-negotiable rules. You will not be drawn into a series of circular and moot arguments. It is ironic but experts have found that children feel more comfortable and secure when parents do not back down from the rules they set. Although they will fight long and hard children do want to lose these arguments. As soon as they see you mean business they will quickly leave you alone. It is a way for parent’s to respond without actually saying the hated “no”. The endless, never ending arguments will be short- circuited.

This technique also benefits children in other ways. It requires children to think about why rules are important and what the reasons are behind rules. It actually reinforces the limits parents have set, in their minds. They gain a perspective they otherwise would not have. It also forces the child to take our answers more seriously encourages them to become more cooperative.

Children’s can use “why” questions for many different purposes. They can use them to get answers about the world around them, to voice their fears and to gain the upper hand. It is important to recognize why your child is asking “why” so that you can respond appropriately. Reflecting your child’s feelings and and turning their “why” questions back to them is the best way to do that.

Guest post by Adina Soclof. For more great parenting tips like these, visit us at www.parentingsimply.com. We look forward to hearing from you.

Incredible Deal – Product Bundle

Hi,

Several school officials have asked me to extend this deadline, as it can take some time to get approval for purchases within the framework of an educational facility. Therefore, this offer will remain in place for the rest of March, and be pulled at midnight of March 31, 2011.

Have a wonderful weekend!

(In case you missed the details regarding this bulk bundle special offer, where you get over $400 of products for a tiny fraction of that price, read below.)

I’m about finished sorting through everything from our basement flood. Whew! What a chore! With over $1,000 in damages and no flood insurance, it’s time for me to raise some money to replace ruined computers, furniture, etc – which means, I have a great deal for you.

I’ve bundled my most popular digital products together and am selling them for an ultra-low price. (You won’t believe this deal!)
With this bundle you get…

1. Animal School video (English and Spanish versions): Great for staff development days, open house, PTA meetings and more.

2. Animal School workshop presentation guide: Present the Animal School video & lesson to your staff, parents and co-workers.

3. Peer Pressure eBook: Get the lowdown on peer pressure and how to help your child manage it in a positive way.

4. Creating Hours eBook and Audio Book: Create more time in your day without making major changes. Tips book gives you more hours every day.

5. From Awkward Solitude To Blessed Friendship eBook: Learn how to empower your child to overcome social challenges so they can make friends and improve their social skills.

6. Parenting Retreat: 30 hours of practical parenting advice, training and more from expert coaches, counselors and educators.

7. Connection Parenting Workshop: Audio – over five hours of practical tips from Ellen Braun’s 2010 workshop to improve your emotional connection with your child – at every age and stage.

8. Educational Wisdom Movie: Breathtaking educational images and famous quotes about the wisdom of education, this movie is perfect for conferences, waiting rooms, PTA’s, and more.

9. What a Teacher Makes Movie: An insightful story about the awesome power a teacher has to touch young lives. A lovely story presentation for teachers and school staff. Plus a ‘Talking Points’ worksheet accompaniment.

Everything is downloadable – no shipping required – so you get it all instantly!

To buy all of this separately, it would cost you over $400 but for ONE WEEK ONLY, I’m giving it to you for $37! No need to rub your eyes or clean your monitor screen, you read that right.

From now through March 31st, you can buy this entire package for $37 by clicking the link below.

http://bit.ly/hJR1Vd

While I’m rebuilding my office, you can be using these resources to help yourself, your classroom, your staff and others raise happy, healthy, responsible children.

Here’s that buy link again.

http://bit.ly/hJR1Vd

To raising emotionally healthy children!

Ellen

How To Handle Sibling Rivarly Without Losing Your Mind!

When Becky had her first child, Ryan, she could not believe how much she loved him and how much she loved being a Mom. Her husband and her had no qualms about having another child. It seemed the natural thing to do. Wouldn’t Ryan love to have another child to play with and love? Ten years later she is not so sure. It seems that all Ryan and his brother do is fight. They squabble over everything, from who gets to play on the computer, whose turn it is to press the elevator button at the mall and who gets more juice in their cup.

Becky feels that it only lets up when they are asleep. It is driving her and her husband crazy. All those visions of a peaceful and happy home have gone down the tubes.

As a parent of 4 children, I can relate. My children were actually arguing the other day over whether the limousine that we saw at the gas station was black or white. It seemed like a bad comedy skit.

It might not help you in the heat of the moment but parents need to know that the fighting between siblings is normal and even can be healthy. This is hard pill to swallow. Even though we might have fought with our own siblings growing up, we still cling to our idealized visions of what family life should be like. The reality is that our fantasies of having a “happy, peaceful” home are just that, fantasies. Family life is fraught with conflict. It is tough to get along with the people we live with. I once heard a saying, “ Blood is thicker than water. Maybe that’s why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers.”

When siblings fight they are reacting to the overwhelming negative emotions that they have toward their siblings. They have to learn to manage their envious feelings, which is not an easy task. Most children feel jealous the minute their parents bring a new baby home from the hospital. Siblings also feel resentment if one sibling receives a gift and the other does not. They get angry if their parents tend to take one sibling’s side over another’s when there is conflict or if parents spend more time with their siblings. Children also have difficulties if one sibling gets more attention than another due to a talent or skill. Kids will also fight if they are bored, hungry, or tired or just because they have spent way too much time together.

Do not despair; there is a positive side to children’s fighting. All that bickering that drives us nuts actually helps children resolve disputes, learn to cooperate and pushes them to come up with compromises. Experts have also found that the battles that go on daily do not keep them from being close when they are grown.

So what are we supposed to do as parents? Do we just close our eyes and ears to the fighting and hope for it to go away? The answer is yes and no.

If it is just regular bickering then we can try to ignore it. We can busy ourselves in the kitchen making dinner or quickly hide ourselves away in the bathroom. For the rest, we can intervene but we don’t want to interfere in a judgmental way. This just makes things worse. It is best if you just reflect their feelings in a respectful and neutral manner and guide them back to each other so they can resolve their own problems.

The following examples show you how this can work. Here are some ways that you can respond without judgment in a way that shows respect for both children and helps them focus on solutions.

1.“I didn’t do anything”

Instead of Judging: “If you didn’t do anything then why is he crying? You need to stop bothering him!”
Do say: “You are not sure what happened to get him upset…” “You feel like you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. What can you guys do to fix this problem?”

2. “He started it!”

Instead of Judging: “Well if you started it, you need to go to your room!”
Do Say: “You feel like he started it and you feel like he started it. That sometimes happens when people disagree. Are you guys ready to think of some solutions or are you still too mad? “

3. “She is making a big deal out of nothing!”

Instead of Judging: “ You are right, you are both making a big deal out of nothing!”
Do Say: “ You feel like this is a fight I should not get involved in. It seems to me that Sara wants me to get involved; she does not feel like it is nothing. She feels like this fight is getting out of hand but you think this is something you can deal with just between the two of you. This is tough, let’s see if you can figure this out. I will be right here if you need me.”

4. “She is so sensitive, she cries about everything!”

Instead of Judging: “You need to stop making her cry. You need to be nicer!”
Do Say: “ You feel that she should toughen up more. It seems to you that she gets upset by little things. If you are ready to listen I can tell you about sensitive people and people who have thick skins. It is important to learn how to handle both types of people.”

5. “Everything I do is wrong!”

Instead of Judging: “If you would listen to me and be nice you wouldn’t have that problem!”
Do Say: “That can hurt to feel that way- you want to know how you can get along better with the family. Let’s think of ways that we can do that.”

6. “She always gets to go first!”

Instead of Judging: “Okay, you will get to go first, next time.”
Do Say: “It seems to you that she gets to go before you. You would like to go first sometimes to. You can say to Caitlin, next time I want a turn to go first.”

We are all aware of the challenges parents have in raising more than one child. Reflecting our children’s feelings and guiding them to resolve their own conflicts is a great skill to use to help us cope. It transforms potentially harmful and destructive interactions into positive relationship building moments. Most importantly you are modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on other people’s feelings. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully with all the people they encounter throughout their lives.

For more great tips on managing sibling rivalry join our workshops at www.parentingsimply.com

Support RaisingSmallSouls by Shopping Amazon though our Page

Unfortunately, RaisingSmallSouls’ offices have been flooded by the torrential rainstorm that hit the Northeast last Thursday.  I would post a photo of the horrendous damage to my office, but all of my USB cables were submerged in the flood, and I cannot upload any pictures currently.  After seeing the horrors that recently occurred in Japan, I am extraordinarily grateful that we are all healthy — and that only physical items were destroyed in my home.

Our computer systems were irreparably damaged.  A tremendous amount of inventory is now waterlogged and useless.  Additionally, many important documents, such as birth certificates, have been ruined by the flood.

Our home of six years had never flooded until this day, so it had not seemed to be unwise to set up RaisingSmallSouls’ office in the lower level of the house.  This way, I could work at home while being a stay at home mom — the best of both worlds.

Right now, we are unsure about where to reestablish RaisingSmallSouls’ office.  However, in the interim, a massive amount of expenses must be covered in order to continue to run the RaisingSmallSouls site — namely, a new computer, printer, and various office furniture and supplies.

You can support RaisingSmallSouls.com without parting with a single dime.  Simply click on RaisingSmallSouls’ Amazon link to make your usual purchases on Amazon.com.

You will notice that Amazon looks exactly the same as it usually does when you type the letters a-m-a-z-o-n into your browser.  However, by making any purchase within 24 hours of clicking on RaisingSmallSouls’ Amazon link, 4-7% of your purchase will benefit our website.  It may not seem like a significant amount if you are buying a $10 book or game, but small change adds up.  RaisingSmallSouls receives over 100,000 monthly visitors, so if half of them buy a product or two from Amazon through our link, our offices will be up and running again in short order.

===>>>  THIS IS RAISINGSMALLSOULS’ AMAZON LINK  <<<===

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your support in advance.

Purchase books, groceries, strollers, exercise equipment, DVD’s, toys, and more on Amazon — there are few products that they do not sell!  Additionally, purchasing products on Amazon gives you the valuable opportunity to read prior customers’ reviews and testimonials, which aid your shopping decisions.

Once again, thank you.  I look forward to continuing to serve you with timely parenting tips and advice as soon as all of my soggy stuff is trashed!

To our children’s success,

Ellen

Using Limits to Keep Peace

When my son Aidan would not do what I asked or behaved disrespectfully, he and I would both get very angry. My husband would yell at him and Aidan would cry, and I would feel terribly upset with the overall negativity hanging over my family like a dark cloud.

I would like to give you two resources I found and two methods I used that quickly changed my son’s behavior to that of a boy who was eager to please and where the negativity ended in the course of one day.

SETTING LIMITS

I desperately did not want to have this negative vibe in my home and it wasn’t long that I found out about a book called Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Proving CLEAR Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D. In his book, MacKenzie shows you the family “dance” you do by either being too permissive or too authoritarian in discipline. He shows you how to say exactly what you want (as opposed to what you DON’T want) and the clear consequences if the child does not follow through. It puts the responsibility on the child alone.

SUPER NANNY

I don’t know if this show is on anymore but I got some great advice from Jo Frost from Super Nanny when she’d make up all these fun charts and prizes. We never needed to use a naughty chair that much, but time outs did work when Aidan was under three years. I always liked her fun and creative ways to encourage good behavior.

A STICKER CHART

Idea from Super Nanny

An effective strategy we’ve used in my family to get our son to behave when he was between 2-4 years old is a sticker chart. We’d make up a 7 day chart vertically then divide it horizontally with a smiley face for good behavior on the left and a frowny face for bad behavior on the right.

During the course of the day Aidan would get a sticker for behaving well or an X in the frowny face half of the chart. If he had more stickers at the end of the day, he could watch his favorite show before bedtime. At the end of the week, if Aidan had more stickers than Xs, we’d get him a little surprise, like a yo-yo or a coloring book. Build up the surprises and rewards as big deals – they are to little kids. Even getting a sticker is exciting for little kids. This encourages good behavior.

TAKE AWAY A PRIVLEDGE OR TOY

This is one of the methods that we’ve used after reading the book, Setting Limits.

Kids like to play with their toys, but they don’t like cleaning them up. One good way to get your child to cooperate with keeping his or her toys off the floor is to simply take away the favorite toy that’s left out carelessly.

You need to warn beforehand though. Tell your child twice – one time to give notice that you will be taking the toy away if the chore is not done, then give them some time. If it is not done 5 minutes (or within a reasonable timeframe) before the time is up, then say as such. Use kitchen timer for effectiveness. “You have five minutes to pick up this mess. If it is not done by the time the bell rings, then I am taking your Buzz Lightyear away for the rest of today and tomorrow.”

It took only one time for me to put Aidan’s Toy Story action figures high up in the closet for the rest of the day and the next for him not to leave them out in the living room again. There was some whining, but as the parent who has set these boundaries, you don’t have to yell back. All you need to say is that better choices can be made next time.

As Aidan gets older, privileges are now as important as his belongings. Aidan’s at the age where he loves to watch a cartoon episode of The Last Airbender on Netflix every night before bed. He excitedly looks forward to it every day.

But his teacher has been giving us reports that he’s not paying attention in class, is name calling and doesn’t complete his school work. We’ve told him that until his behavior at school improves, then we take away his privilege of his favorite show.

Know what is important to your child, then leverage that with insisting on reasonable, proper behavior.

These two methods have served our family well since our son was about two years old and he’s going on six now. There is no yelling in our family and we have relative peace. The next big issue to handle is disrespectful backtalk. Back to the book again!

Amy Tanathorn is a work-at-home mom who shares her and her son’s love of Pixar movies on The Leaping Lamp. You’ll find the synopsis and characters for each movie as well as the best Disney Pixar merchandise and party supplies.

Nominate a Friend to Win a Workshop Scholarship!

FIVE lucky winners will be chosen to receive a free scholarship to RaisingSmallSouls’ upcoming Parenting 101 & 102 Workshop.

Here is how it works:

• Check out the upcoming Parenting 101 & 102 Workshop:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/parentingworkshop/
• Think about a friend or family member who would benefit greatly from the workshop, but cannot afford to attend.
• Leave a comment below that anonymously describes how your friend would gain from the Parenting 101 & 102 Workshop.

Some caveats:

• You may not nominate yourself.  (Sorry!)
• Use your real email address in the “Speak your mind” form, so that we can contact you privately to obtain your nominee’s email address.
• Melody Spier, my incredible assistant from http://essentialofficesupport.com/ will choose the five winners based on merit.
• Expires midnight of March 1, 2011, so act quickly!
  

My Commitment to Parent Education

 

My Commitment to Parent Education

by:  Alan Carson

ACPI Coach for Parents and Parent Educator

PARENTING TWEENS & TEENS WORKSHOP:  Reserve your slot right now — CLICK HERE!

After years as a high school health education teacher and basketball coach, I received my school guidance counselor degree and looked forward to my second career as a middle school guidance counselor. I was also looking forward to being a first time father. The combination of these two events led me to want to initiate parent education classes for our parents.

I believe most of you would agree that when you are anticipating the birth of your first child, you spend a lot of time reflecting on the kind of person you are and the kind of person you need to be— and how to make that transition. I clearly remember dwelling on these things:

1.  I was pleased with my relationship with most of my students, but was not  at peace with my interactions with other students. I would need to  change my behavior and my attitude; I would need to be an effective, caring  school counselor for all kids— regardless of whether I liked each student.

2.  The most amazing kids I worked with almost universally had loving, dedicated, and fun parents. Therefore, I concluded that if I were the parent  I needed to be, I would raise a great kid. I concluded nurture was stronger than nature.  No excuses.  Regardless of my child’s issues or temperament, she would be a good person.

3.  I would not be an effective leader for my students or my daughter if I didn’t work to be a better person myself ( my occasional poor response when angry was one example). Within the first several years as a counselor and  father, I read twenty good parenting books, and to date have read close to a hundred related books. I reflected on what I read and accepted what made   sense to me based on my career with kids, and rejected what did not. Slowly   over time I moved away from the parent education program I started with         and created a course that worked for me.

4.  There is no way I could facilitate parenting classes unless I walked the talk, and my child was developing into the person I envisioned her to be.

My commitment to the class members was this: if the topics we addressed in class were not working at home with my daughter, I will stop facilitating  classes. I’ll conclude by saying my daughter is now a freshman in college and parent education/coaching is still my passion.

The reason parent education is so important is that it gives you a philosophical basis for making parenting decisions and for responding to problems.  For example, I relied on my “new” wisdom when my daughter:

• kicked me and spit on my when she was seven

• acted like a spoiled brat when we took her on nice trips;

• failed to show gratitude

• wanted to watch television while doing homework beginning in the 6th   grade

• had a friend who I thought was a bad influence

• expected to have or attend sleepovers when the opportunity arose

• asked to be dropped off at a party after the 9th grade Homecoming Dance

• was devastated when she wasn’t chosen for the Chamber Choir in high  school

• wanted a cellular phone in 5th grade

This is the benefit of taking a comprehensive parent education course.  At the conclusion of the course, you are a different person with new skills and tools. You’ll think before making decisions, you will get angry less often, you’ll listen better and you won’t own all of your kids’ problems.  A whole new set of challenges comes into play with teens. Ellen, Vivian and I guarantee you will be a better parent s a result of taking this course— it comes with a money-back guarantee!

Weekly curriculum

Week 1: Parenting with a vision; Parenting leadership

The culture of neglect

The value of struggle

Self-esteem, self-concept and self-worth

Praise and recognition

 

Week 2:  What is your parenting style

Letting Go

Responsibility

Discipline vs punishment

 

Week 3:  Discipline

Why anger is counterproductive

Power struggles vs giving choices

 

Week 4:  Discipline wrap-up

Problem Ownership

Communication; being a safe listening presence

 

Week 5:  Communication

Week 6:  Sibling Rivalry

Sexuality and the teen culture

Drinking and the party scene

PARENTING TWEENS & TEENS WORKSHOP:  Reserve your slot right now — CLICK HERE!

 

 

 

 

Ten Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Ten Essential Tips for Parenting Teenagers

First – it’s true. The teenage years are the most difficult years of a parent’s life. Perhaps not immediately, but when you stop and look at the stages you can expect to observe in your child’s life, you quickly realize your friendly 14-year-old son may not even be speaking to you in another year or so.  And not out of any particular conflict you may have caused, either.

A Danish psychologist named Erick Erickson is credited with first observing and documenting recognizable stages of normal social development in a child’s life. These are the essential issues he observed children dealing with, from birth to age 19:

Age Period	Issues at Stake
0 – 1	Trust vs. Mistrust – the child is preoccupied with his basic needs being met
2 – 3	Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt – the child explores the world around him and experiments with handling the world on his own
4 – 6	Initiative versus Guilt – the child deals with autonomy, often through risk-taking, independent behaviors
7 – 12	Industry versus Inferiority – the child becomes aware of himself as an individual and begins to form moral values. Recognition through task completion becomes important.
13 – 19	Identity versus Role Confusion – for the first time, the child’s main concern is how they appear to others.  Development of sexual identity. “Who am I?” is the main concern. Bridge between childhood and adulthood. Reconciling societal and parental expectations with self analysis. Choosing personal ideologies and moral values

If you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon of a child’s teenage years that seem to start out with remarkable harmony and communication, only to shift seemingly overnight into silence, withdrawal and discord, what you have most likely run into is the shift into sexual identity that occurs some time during this long period of social development.

This is a very difficult time for many teens. They need to be free to explore society and relationships, and figure out their own beliefs, morals and values. At this time, parental beliefs, morals and values are subjected to merciless and critical scrutiny. Depending on how well a parent has helped his or her child through earlier stages, the ride may become bumpy to perilous as a child accepts or rejects everything you have taught him.

Setting Your Child Up For His Teens

If you have not done an adequate job of helping your child learn to get a handle on his age-appropriate issues, here is where you will reap the consequences rather than the rewards. But even if you have unselfishly done everything you can to gently encourage your child through each stage and tip him towards the positive side of each age issue, his crucial search for identity and solidifying his beliefs alone will be a confusing and anxious period for him.

This is one rarely-understood reason why children seem to prefer the company of and communication with peers, rather than their parents. It’s easier to talk to someone who is thinking the way you do, feeling the things you feel and coping with the same pressures – the people you have to measure yourself against for life – rather than choosing to talk to people who may, at this point, seem out of touch and obsolete.

The balance does shift back again when a child reaches their twenties, but a truly  close relationship may not develop naturally again until closer to your child’s thirties – depending on the choices they make and how you have handled parenthood.

Understanding The Natural Order of Parenting

All this is normal.  In nature, the deep, inborn instinct is for animal parents to be highly protective of their young – that much we share with the animal kingdom. As the baby animal or bird grows, however, parents begin to push it as quickly as possible towards independence and self-reliance, ruthlessly severing ties when the young animal barely reaches maturity.  They instinctively know that their baby’s very survival depends on this self-reliance and independence being learned as rapidly as possible.

We are the only species who regularly attempts to keep our children attached for life by an invisible umbilical cord.  However, the paradoxical truth is… the more self-reliant and independent we help our teenager become, the more he will stay bonded to us as an adult – not in a needy, dependent or immature way, but in a bond created of  love, friendship and mutual respect.

In other words, the old hippie adage of the 1970’s is actually true: “If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.”

Of course, this cutting of the psychological umbilical chord has to be done wisely. It doesn’t mean suddenly letting your teen do whatever he wants or booting him out the door.  It means honoring each stage and helping your child learn each stage’s pivotal lesson – including fully experiencing the teenage years, where you gently give your child a careful balance of security and space:  The security of solid family values and a safety net he can return to and depend on at any time… and the space to explore how he fits into society and who he is meant to be as a spiritual, sexual and aware human adult.

Here are some tips for creating a healthy, lasting bond with your child – one that will survive the turbulent teens and provide you both with a lifetime of love, respect and enjoyment…

10 Tips on Becoming a Superparent

1. Be consistent. This tops the list in helping your teen sort out confusing teen issues and develop solid values. Be consistent in your values, morals and expectations – and follow through on promises and disciplinary decisions

2. Create and share experiences. The Play Station III may be what your teenage son thinks he wants right now – but positive experiences and adventures you share together are what will nourish him for a lifetime.  All the presents in the world won’t compensate a child for your absence, emotional or otherwise, during his formative years.

3. Teach him with love. Sharing your skills with your child is a great way to further strengthen your bond – but make sure you allow him to “own” whatever you’re teaching. Don’t compete, and resist the urge to show him you can do it better (remember, it’s his confidence you are trying to build, not undermine!)

4. Model charity.  Children who see only self-absorption will become self-absorbed. Teach him there’s a bigger world out there by your behavior and actions. Carry your elderly neighbour’s groceries in for her. Get your child involved in charitable causes – even if it’s just allowing them to observe your involvement.  Speak up for what is right and care about those who are too defeated and despairing to care about themselves.

5. Don’t Judge. Children who hear nothing but criticism – even if it’s about other people – will become critical themselves. They will not know how to truly love and accept other people. Criticism leads to shallowness and an emphasis on externals, rather than deeper principles.

6. Don’t play the “Blame-and-Shame” Game. It’s surprising how many parents who actively use an impartial problem-solving focus at work will switch to “blame and shame” at home, when dealing with your children. Blaming and shaming will gift your children with nothing but a head and heart full of guilt, leading to defensiveness, evasion, lying and resentment. Instead, focus on the problem, not the perpetrator. Ask your child: “Now. How can we fix this?”

7. Listen.  True listening is an art. It doesn’t mean muttering: “That’s nice, dear…” when your daughter tells you her heart has just been broken. Listening tells a child he is important enough for you to give him your whole attention. Show you are listening by asking thoughtful, considered questions. Let him speak. In fact, create opportunities for you to be together in a situation that promotes communication. Listen, acknowledge, question and validate.

8. Teach the law of consequences.  One of the worst mistakes you can make is to protect your child from the consequences of his own actions. Allowing a child to be accountable for his behavior and deal with the consequences will teach him the lessons you want him to learn more quickly than anything else in life. Parents who shelter their children from consequences are rarely ever thanked and usually blamed later in life!

9. Love each other. If you are part of a parental unit, treat each other with respect and don’t be afraid to show affection. Have time for each other. And respect yourselves. Let your child see everything you want him to be, when he is old enough to separate and bond with another human being. Remember, he will learn from what is modeled – not what is never observed. A daughter will not learn self-confidence if her mother is a “pleaser” who constantly sublimates her own needs. A son will not learn wisdom and warmth from a father who never has time for his own family.

10. Pay Attention! Pay attention not only to your child, but to your own speech, actions and behavior. Often the pivotal moment that sends a child firmly down one path for life stems from careless parental comments, or inconsistencies in speech and behavior observed by a child. Children observe more than you might think – and in teenage years, your past actions and speech will be melted in a crucible of merciless clarity as your child evaluates your example.

Parenting an animal is a relatively simple task, solely about survival on its most basic level – avoid the predators and find food and a mate.

Parenting a human being from birth to adulthood is an astonishingly complex job. You have to teach him intangibles such as values, morality, handling emotion, interacting positively with people and how to make wise life choices.

The rewards are greater than we can ever imagine, when we suddenly realize at the end of the long and complicated teen years that we have produced a caring, ethical human being who can really make a difference in people’s lives – just as we have made a difference in his.

Keep Kids’ Teeth Healthy With Smart Snacks

Maintaining a healthy smile starts with the food we put into our bodies at each meal. Kids may think that candy, chips and soda are great. These kinds of foods, however, leave residue behind that form harmful plaque on your child’s teeth.

Smart snacks will help with your child’s overall health as well as developing a bright, healthy smile.

Good Choices Start With You

“Our kids watch us for behavior cues throughout their years of development,” states Dr. Lance Heppler, DMD, a dentist in Vancouver, WA. In order to keep your child’s teeth healthy with smart snacks, it’s a good idea to work them into your diet as well.

Incorporate plenty of fruits and vegetables into your daily diet, and practice good oral hygiene in front of your kids by brushing and flossing twice a day. These habits will help your kids realize the importance of making good choices to keep their teeth healthy.

Your Kids’ Opinions Count

Including a variety of fruits and vegetables into your family’s diet doesn’t have to be one person’s responsibility. Buy and prepare fruits and vegetables in different ways, then ask your kids’ opinions about which ones they liked the best.

These kinds of conversations can also be a great opportunity for you and your kids to discuss what kinds of foods are good for their teeth. Include your kids when possible, and they’ll be more enthusiastic about the changes regarding what they eat.

List of Smart Snacks

To help your kids choose healthier snacks, begin the transition slowly. I started by shopping for and buying healthier choices and not purchasing the high-sugar foods we were used to eating. I found the easiest way to incorporate fruits and vegetables was to include one of each at lunch and dinner, and a fruit at breakfast. Crunchier foods, like apples and celery, naturally help to clean teeth and don’t leave residue behind.

These smart snacks can be added to a regular meal or eaten as a snack during the day:

Fresh Fruit

These can be served with low-fat yogurt or cream cheese to combine savory and sweet.

• Apples
• Berries
• Bananas
• Pineapple

Raw Veggies

Combine these with condiments like low-fat dressing or peanut butter for a yummy snack.

• Carrots
• Celery
• Cucumbers
• Broccoli

Dairy

Choose low-fat or non-fat options to keep a diet low in fat.

• Cottage cheese
• Yogurt
• Hard cheeses, like cheddar

Basic Dental Hygiene Tips

Build a basic routine with your kids when it comes to basic dental hygiene. They need to brush and floss their teeth twice a day, once in the morning and once before bedtime. Practice this habit with your kids, and make sure to get them in to see a dentist every six months. Together, these steps will ensure healthy, bright smiles for your whole family!

Kelly Wilson is a busy mom and freelance writer. For more information about keeping your kids’ teeth healthy, contact Dr. Lance Heppler, DMD, a dentist in Vancouver, WA.

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