Ten Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Ten Essential Tips for Parenting Teenagers

First – it’s true. The teenage years are the most difficult years of a parent’s life. Perhaps not immediately, but when you stop and look at the stages you can expect to observe in your child’s life, you quickly realize your friendly 14-year-old son may not even be speaking to you in another year or so.  And not out of any particular conflict you may have caused, either.

A Danish psychologist named Erick Erickson is credited with first observing and documenting recognizable stages of normal social development in a child’s life. These are the essential issues he observed children dealing with, from birth to age 19:

Age Period	Issues at Stake
0 – 1	Trust vs. Mistrust – the child is preoccupied with his basic needs being met
2 – 3	Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt – the child explores the world around him and experiments with handling the world on his own
4 – 6	Initiative versus Guilt – the child deals with autonomy, often through risk-taking, independent behaviors
7 – 12	Industry versus Inferiority – the child becomes aware of himself as an individual and begins to form moral values. Recognition through task completion becomes important.
13 – 19	Identity versus Role Confusion – for the first time, the child’s main concern is how they appear to others.  Development of sexual identity. “Who am I?” is the main concern. Bridge between childhood and adulthood. Reconciling societal and parental expectations with self analysis. Choosing personal ideologies and moral values

If you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon of a child’s teenage years that seem to start out with remarkable harmony and communication, only to shift seemingly overnight into silence, withdrawal and discord, what you have most likely run into is the shift into sexual identity that occurs some time during this long period of social development.

This is a very difficult time for many teens. They need to be free to explore society and relationships, and figure out their own beliefs, morals and values. At this time, parental beliefs, morals and values are subjected to merciless and critical scrutiny. Depending on how well a parent has helped his or her child through earlier stages, the ride may become bumpy to perilous as a child accepts or rejects everything you have taught him.

Setting Your Child Up For His Teens

If you have not done an adequate job of helping your child learn to get a handle on his age-appropriate issues, here is where you will reap the consequences rather than the rewards. But even if you have unselfishly done everything you can to gently encourage your child through each stage and tip him towards the positive side of each age issue, his crucial search for identity and solidifying his beliefs alone will be a confusing and anxious period for him.

This is one rarely-understood reason why children seem to prefer the company of and communication with peers, rather than their parents. It’s easier to talk to someone who is thinking the way you do, feeling the things you feel and coping with the same pressures – the people you have to measure yourself against for life – rather than choosing to talk to people who may, at this point, seem out of touch and obsolete.

The balance does shift back again when a child reaches their twenties, but a truly  close relationship may not develop naturally again until closer to your child’s thirties – depending on the choices they make and how you have handled parenthood.

Understanding The Natural Order of Parenting

All this is normal.  In nature, the deep, inborn instinct is for animal parents to be highly protective of their young – that much we share with the animal kingdom. As the baby animal or bird grows, however, parents begin to push it as quickly as possible towards independence and self-reliance, ruthlessly severing ties when the young animal barely reaches maturity.  They instinctively know that their baby’s very survival depends on this self-reliance and independence being learned as rapidly as possible.

We are the only species who regularly attempts to keep our children attached for life by an invisible umbilical cord.  However, the paradoxical truth is… the more self-reliant and independent we help our teenager become, the more he will stay bonded to us as an adult – not in a needy, dependent or immature way, but in a bond created of  love, friendship and mutual respect.

In other words, the old hippie adage of the 1970’s is actually true: “If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.”

Of course, this cutting of the psychological umbilical chord has to be done wisely. It doesn’t mean suddenly letting your teen do whatever he wants or booting him out the door.  It means honoring each stage and helping your child learn each stage’s pivotal lesson – including fully experiencing the teenage years, where you gently give your child a careful balance of security and space:  The security of solid family values and a safety net he can return to and depend on at any time… and the space to explore how he fits into society and who he is meant to be as a spiritual, sexual and aware human adult.

Here are some tips for creating a healthy, lasting bond with your child – one that will survive the turbulent teens and provide you both with a lifetime of love, respect and enjoyment…

10 Tips on Becoming a Superparent

1. Be consistent. This tops the list in helping your teen sort out confusing teen issues and develop solid values. Be consistent in your values, morals and expectations – and follow through on promises and disciplinary decisions

2. Create and share experiences. The Play Station III may be what your teenage son thinks he wants right now – but positive experiences and adventures you share together are what will nourish him for a lifetime.  All the presents in the world won’t compensate a child for your absence, emotional or otherwise, during his formative years.

3. Teach him with love. Sharing your skills with your child is a great way to further strengthen your bond – but make sure you allow him to “own” whatever you’re teaching. Don’t compete, and resist the urge to show him you can do it better (remember, it’s his confidence you are trying to build, not undermine!)

4. Model charity.  Children who see only self-absorption will become self-absorbed. Teach him there’s a bigger world out there by your behavior and actions. Carry your elderly neighbour’s groceries in for her. Get your child involved in charitable causes – even if it’s just allowing them to observe your involvement.  Speak up for what is right and care about those who are too defeated and despairing to care about themselves.

5. Don’t Judge. Children who hear nothing but criticism – even if it’s about other people – will become critical themselves. They will not know how to truly love and accept other people. Criticism leads to shallowness and an emphasis on externals, rather than deeper principles.

6. Don’t play the “Blame-and-Shame” Game. It’s surprising how many parents who actively use an impartial problem-solving focus at work will switch to “blame and shame” at home, when dealing with your children. Blaming and shaming will gift your children with nothing but a head and heart full of guilt, leading to defensiveness, evasion, lying and resentment. Instead, focus on the problem, not the perpetrator. Ask your child: “Now. How can we fix this?”

7. Listen.  True listening is an art. It doesn’t mean muttering: “That’s nice, dear…” when your daughter tells you her heart has just been broken. Listening tells a child he is important enough for you to give him your whole attention. Show you are listening by asking thoughtful, considered questions. Let him speak. In fact, create opportunities for you to be together in a situation that promotes communication. Listen, acknowledge, question and validate.

8. Teach the law of consequences.  One of the worst mistakes you can make is to protect your child from the consequences of his own actions. Allowing a child to be accountable for his behavior and deal with the consequences will teach him the lessons you want him to learn more quickly than anything else in life. Parents who shelter their children from consequences are rarely ever thanked and usually blamed later in life!

9. Love each other. If you are part of a parental unit, treat each other with respect and don’t be afraid to show affection. Have time for each other. And respect yourselves. Let your child see everything you want him to be, when he is old enough to separate and bond with another human being. Remember, he will learn from what is modeled – not what is never observed. A daughter will not learn self-confidence if her mother is a “pleaser” who constantly sublimates her own needs. A son will not learn wisdom and warmth from a father who never has time for his own family.

10. Pay Attention! Pay attention not only to your child, but to your own speech, actions and behavior. Often the pivotal moment that sends a child firmly down one path for life stems from careless parental comments, or inconsistencies in speech and behavior observed by a child. Children observe more than you might think – and in teenage years, your past actions and speech will be melted in a crucible of merciless clarity as your child evaluates your example.

Parenting an animal is a relatively simple task, solely about survival on its most basic level – avoid the predators and find food and a mate.

Parenting a human being from birth to adulthood is an astonishingly complex job. You have to teach him intangibles such as values, morality, handling emotion, interacting positively with people and how to make wise life choices.

The rewards are greater than we can ever imagine, when we suddenly realize at the end of the long and complicated teen years that we have produced a caring, ethical human being who can really make a difference in people’s lives – just as we have made a difference in his.

Creating Healthy Snacks for Kids

The days of allowing children to eat anything they desire from the pantry and cupboards is drawing to a close.  With childhood obesity rates climbing each year more parents are seeking healthy food options for their children. While many parents may take the time to make healthy main course meals, it can be a bit more difficult to monitor the types of snacks that children consume. There are a number of very healthy snacking options that can replace the heavily salted and sugared food products that many children eat on a daily basis.  Finding the time to research a variety of different snacks that are not only healthy but delicious for children is highly recommended in order to continually offer children the best healthy foods available.

In general, snacks can be divided into two different groups.  There are the salty snacks and the sweet snacks. In many cases, children do prefer to eat salty potato chips and sweet pastries between main meals. It is a very important for parents to understand that there are certain types of snack categories in order to be better prepared to offer their children healthy snack alternatives. For example, in order to replace the salty snacks that children like to eat in their spare time it is necessary to find a healthy equivalent. Such foods that can replace many of the salty snacks include vegetables such as carrot sticks and celery with a low-fat dressing, air popped popcorn or baked tortilla chips. These options are not only healthy but they are also delicious and satisfy the urge to eat a salty snack.

Similarly, there are numerous healthy alternatives to satisfy a child’s sweet tooth. Instead allowing children to gorge on pastries, cookies and sugar filled candies parents can offer a selection of sweet healthy snacks for kids. Fruit is one of the best healthy alternatives to satisfy a sweet tooth. There is an array of fruit available on the market. The key to introducing fruit to children as an alternative to unhealthy sweet snacks is to provide a variety. While apples and oranges are great, there are a host of other fruits that can be purchased that children will surely enjoy. Such fruit as pineapples, mangoes, kiwi, bananas, grapes and an assortment of melons are available to choose from. Instead of limiting children to certain types of fruit make it a priority to introduce them to different fruit as snacks.

One of the best ways to get children to eat healthier snacks is to involve them in the process of choosing the foods that they would like to eat.  Parents can explain to their children the benefits of eating healthier foods and take their children along to the grocery store or local farmers markets to select fruit and vegetables.  Then, parents can engage their children in the process of making healthy snacks by allowing them to choose which fruit or vegetable they would like to eat.  When children feel they have an opportunity to select the foods they would like to eat they are more likely to be willing to consume the healthy foods that a parent offers.

Learn more about healthy eating for kids.

School Performance

School Performance, Part 1

Alan Carson, ACPI® Coach for Parents

Several weeks ago NBC and its sister networks devoted hours of programming to exploring the wide-ranging failure of public education in the United States. As a person who spent 36 years in education, 21 years as a teacher and 16 years as a middle school guidance counselor, I completely agree that there is much to be concerned about.  Specifically looking at the 8th grade Mathematics TIMMS (Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study) results, the U.S. is significantly behind most Asian countries (Singapore, Chinese Taipei, Hong Kong, S. Korea and Japan), but also behind Hungary— and only a few points ahead of Slovenia and the Czech Republic.  This is surprising and should alarm all of us.

When we examine these statistics a little closer, we find that our Honors students do as well as any kids in the world. Simplistically, we have lots of kids who value education and are willing to work hard, but way too many kids who are unwilling to make the sacrifices to be good students. If you put student grades on a Bell Curve, there is no Bell Curve— there is a roller-coaster. Tons of phenomenal kids, way too many kids who don’t seem to care, and others in the middle.

Nobody can give students an education; they must earn an education. Of course all adults involved in education must love children and do their best for kids, but the bottom line is that you can’t make students earn an education. In my opinion, as a country, our thinking is codependent. We’re trying to control and accept ownership for the behavior and decisions students are making.  When kids underachieve, fail, and/or drop out, too many people conclude it is the fault of parents and educators.  We have to own our part, but we can’t own more than the kids own. When kids want to learn, they can achieve great things. You may have seen in the news that a girl who spent most of her teen years homeless gained admission into Harvard. My friend’s son struggled with ADHD growing up and is now a college Physics professor with a Ph.D.

It is time to get to the purpose of this article— presenting a parenting philosophy that influences our kids to be good students. When our children are in early elementary school, we have a great deal of control and can establish a routine for getting schoolwork done. The comments that follow are most applicable to parents with kids who are entering middle school and high school.  As you know, when our kids start developing a “mind of their own,” our level of control diminishes.

1) School is our kid’s primary responsibility— it is their education and their future. Ultimately they have to decide when to do homework, where to do homework, how to study for tests, and how long to study. They have to learn how to be successful, which often is preceded by learning what doesn’t work.

2) Micromanaging our kids only solve problems in the short run, and creates huge problems in the long run. We’ll raise kids who lack the skills to succeed on their own. Therefore, a great time to begin letting go and turning more control over to your kids is when they are in upper elementary school.   Sit down with them and have them create a plan for getting their work done. Hold them accountable to do what they agree to do. However, if they struggle with this additional responsibility and their grades dip, it is OK.  I am not advocating completely letting go— but it should be a gradual process.

3) We cannot accept ownership for their education.  How can we tell we’re doing that? We care more than they care. We worry more than they worry. When there are problems, we do more of the thinking and problem solving. Our kids have to care more than we do. I strongly believe that if we worry about their education, they will not worry.

4) What do we do if they flounder? We sit down with them and ask lots of questions. We don’t tell them what to do, we ask them what they need to do. If their grades go down or the teacher e-mails you that work is not getting completed, we have a chat and ask:

• How did you get into this predicament?

• What do you need to do differently?

• What do you need from me?

• Would you like to hear what I have been observing?

When our kids struggle, we do not overreact and return to micromanaging. We listen to their plan and give them the chance to fix things. When we see improvement, we recognize their effort and self-discipline by telling them so. If their performance doesn’t change after our discussion, we intervene and create structure. School is their job and we hold them accountable to take care of business.

5) If our kids are doing poorly in school, we eliminate distractions. There is a difference between what kids want and what kids need.  They need wholesome activities, and I do not believe in taking those away from kids. They learn a lot about success and failure from sports and other structured activities. However, they don’t need Facebook, computer games, TV, and sleepovers.  If they want those things, they will earn them. They earn them by displaying responsibility. They have to reach the conclusion that being irresponsible doesn’t pay.

6) I will finish part one of this topic briefly addressing motivation. Our goal should be that our kids are internally motivated to be successful in school. When they do well, we want them to be proud of their effort and the results, and experience a sense of satisfaction regarding their accomplishment. We also want them to enjoy learning math, science, and history.  If we just focus on grades, we are making a big mistake. We fail to acknowledge our child’s effort, determination and self-discipline— because it is all about grades. And as just mentioned, we also probably don’t discuss what our kids what they talked about in history that day; we stick with outcome questions such as, “Did you get your quiz back today?”  Focusing on grades undermines internal motivation and harms communication.

I will conclude discussing a parent’s role in their children’s education in my next article.

Things to Do Now to Minimize Holiday Stress Later

Holiday stress is just one of those things we choose to deal with year after year because it benefits others. High levels of it can be just as bad as any other stress though, so it’s a good idea to do things that will help keep the spooky, turkey and Santa stress low.

A good first step is to map out some of the bumps in the road that can be avoided from last year. Lay it out on paper and make two separate lists: Things that work and things that won’t work. Things that work should be a list of things that come easy to you and you know you can do without worrying. Try and focus on the event or ideas that made you happy throughout, not just once it was over. Things that won’t work should be the stuff you remember being draining and leaving you overwhelmed. Figure out what you need to do to incorporate more of the positive list and weed out the negative list. Tweaking the things that won’t work can also help make them good if they just can’t be done without.

Family crafts are one of the best holiday ideas you can practice. Most holidays originated from handmade goodness and it brings the family closer together when everybody is making them. Even the baby can scribble a little something on a piece of paper for a truly sentimental gift card. With all of this done before the actual holidays ever arrive, it’s one less thing to worry about when the time comes to deliver your holiday cards.

Shopping is also one of those big stress factors that can be easily dealt with if it’s done before the crunch-time. Keep a list of the holidays you buy for next to the calendar so you see it everyday. When you’re out and about buy things on sale no matter what time of year it and cross them off of your list as you go. Always watch for specials, especially online ones that you may not see advertised in the weekly paper. For instance, there is almost always some good Best Buy coupons online and Walmart coupons. This actually turns shopping into something fun and it becomes a big relief come the holiday when you have everything ready to go. Also consider buying green, the products help the environment and tend to cost less, less cost is less stress.

Try some simpler approaches to gift wrapping with creative gift wrapping. Stick to one color and match everything including bows and bags to that color. This way, if anything happens to the wrapping or ties before it’s time to open them you have handy replacements ready to go. You can also choose a theme. Either way, start picking these things up (bags, scarves or even magazines you can cut from to create easy, cheap wrapping). Once it’s time to wrap, you have everything ready to go.

If you are planning on traveling somewhere with the gifts just throw some spare wrapping and bows in the car and give them an extra touch up once you arrive.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Getting enough sleep and eating more than a cup of coffee will help you keep control of any stresses that do find their way into your holidays. A good diet and some sort of exercise helps maintain energy levels, which is a big factor on how stressful situations are handled. Low energy means high irritability and that’s no good for the holiday spirits. So eat up and rest up and start immediately. The sooner you put your holiday plans into action the sooner you get to relax and enjoy all your hard work.

Children’s Wants Versus Needs

The Art of Letting Go, Pt 2

by:  Alan W. Carson ACPI® Coach for Parents

In my first article on letting go, we focused on the importance of parents requiring that their kids accept an increasing amount of responsibility as they mature.  The goal is that our children can largely succeed on their own by the time they graduate from high school. Therefore, some of the traits and qualities our kids have to possess are self-discipline, time management, a good work ethic, resilience, passion, and strong people skills. If we are always hovering and rescuing our kids, we are sacrificing long-term success for short-term success.

In this second article, we’ll discuss letting go from our child’s point of view. In a nutshell, tweens and teens want more and more privileges and freedom. As I mentioned in last week’s article I was a middle school guidance counselor for fifteen years and consistently interacted with parents, often as a result of their child’s underachievement. In attempting to gather more information from these parents, I would often ask about the child’s routines, obligations and activities outside of school.  It was often the case that underachieving students lived the good life: time with friends, minimal responsibilities at home, an iPod and cell phone, and lots of screen time (TV, computer games, and social networks). When I hear these kinds of stories, I ask myself, “Why is this child given all of these privileges devoid of expectations? What is this student learning? How is this child going to afford this lifestyle as an adult if he has never acquired a work ethic while growing up?”

Our children need our love, attention, acceptance, support and time.  Our kids want but do not need computer games, iPods, Facebook, sleepovers and ultimately get their driver’s license and go to parties and concerts. We parents cannot let go and just give these kinds of things to our tweens and teens without requiring that they earn them.

Our kids are given what they need and earn what they want.  If we raise our kids to understand that privileges are earned, when they haven’t earned a privilege who are they going to direct their anger towards?  They need to be mad at themselves. We cannot allow ourselves to buy into their manipulation and conclude that we’re unreasonable parents.

We’ll look specifically at our child’s desire to have a cell phone.  Most kids start begging their parents for a cell phone in 5th or 6th grade. We’ll say my daughter, Annie, brings up the issue of a cell phone in the summer before her 6th grade year. If I am on the ball I say, “Annie, I have to think about this.”  One of the questions I ask myself is, “Does Annie normally display responsibility?”  If the answer is yes, I continue to give her request consideration and start thinking about the guidelines I expect her to follow.

If Annie is fairly irresponsible, she is not ready for a phone. These two issues are directly related. If I bought Annie a cell phone she needs to be responsible enough to:

- know where it is and not lose it

- keep it charged

- keep it on silent in school, church, etc

- keep it away from water

- turn it off at bedtime

- not misuse the phone by sexting or by sending nasty e-mails.

If Annie is not ready for the phone, here is what I say:

“Annie, I have given your request for a phone a lot of thought. At this time,   the answer is no, and here is why. Having a cell phone is a significant   responsibility. Thus far, you haven’t demonstrated to me that you are    responsible enough. I have to nag you to do your homework, you don’t clean up after yourself, it is almost impossible to get you out of bed in the morning, and most of the time I end up doing your chores.  Work on these things and  we’ll talk.”

This approach to earned privileges is beautiful.  We don’t argue, we don’t attack, and we don’t criticize. We place the burden where it belongs– back on our child.  We use the cell phone issue to influence her to become more responsible. If she wants a phone badly enough, she’ll shape up. If Annie responds with a disrespectful tone, we say:

“Annie, why are you giving me an attitude? I know you want a phone and lots  of your friends have them. I know you are missing out on all the texting that    goes on. But the bottom line is that I am happy to buy you a phone when I feel   comfortable that you’ll take care of it. To buy you one before you are ready is     to set you up to fail.”

[For the benefit of those of you with young kids, even impressive kids make mistakes-- they are kids. My superb daughter, a graduating high school senior is on her 4th phone.  The first went through the laundry because my wife doesn't check pockets, the 2nd fell in the toilet and the 3rd broke when it fell on a concrete floor. None of us are perfect.]

This philosophy holds true for all privileges: sleepovers, parties, getting your driver’s license, and video game consoles.  When our kids display the qualities they need to display, they get more perks. They get more perks because they have demonstrated the ability to make good decisions. When they continue to make good decisions, they earn more privileges. If they make poor decisions, privileges are removed until they convince us they have learned their lesson.  We should not agree to a privilege an then sit and worry all night about them.

Let’s prepare our kids to be successful, healthy adults!

Alan is an ACPI® Coach for Parents, and author of Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality, which is available from his website as an e-book–

www.coachforparents.net.  Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com

Effective Parenting Techniques

7 Ways to Start Parenting More Effectively

Some parents are afraid that their child won’t change no matter what they do. Many find themselves reacting automatically when their child behaves inappropriately; as soon as he acts out, they’re yelling and screaming, or getting sucked into power struggles. And even when parents try something new, it’s easy for them to get discouraged. Some try to do different things from time to time, but when these methods seem to be ineffective, they eventually give up. This is true especially if the behavior has been a problem for years and they haven’t been able to do anything about it.

To anyone who asks the question, “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” I would say that it’s never too late. It may not always be easy, but there are effective things you can start doing right away to change the way you respond—and to improve your child’s behavior.

1. Decide What You Want to Work on First: One of the things I see with parents is that they don’t know where to start. But I think it’s simple: start with the things that put your child at risk. These are the behaviors that are physically or emotionally dangerous to your child or others—where he is hurting somebody physically, breaking things, or being unsafe outside of the home.

My experience is that if you want to change everything at once, you’re going to be very disappointed. Not only is that an impossible task; you’re going to alienate your child. I also think parents should address the things that violate their values and morals, and that are risky to the child and others. Start there. Do we want to change everything? Well, good luck, maybe we can. But I think we want to start with the most dangerous, risky stuff, and then move forward.

2. Pinpoint Exactly What You Want to Change: I think it’s helpful for parents to break behaviors down into separate pieces and work on them one at a time. So if your child curses at you and storms up to his room and slams the door, start with the behavior you want to change most. When you talk with him, you want to break it down. Begin with, “Don’t curse. That doesn’t help solve the problem, and I’m offended by it. What do you think you could do differently the next time you get upset?” Your child may not be able to come up with anything, but offer some suggestions and get him to pick one option. And then say, “All right, so the next time you’re upset, instead of cursing, you’ll just go to your room.”

So work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.

3. Explain the Change: If you’re going to change a specific response to a behavior, it might be helpful to sit down with your child and explain what that change is going to be. When things are going well and everybody is calm, you can say, “Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something. I don’t think being grounded in your room all day when you use bad language is working around here. It doesn’t seem to be helping you to change. So from now on when you curse, you’re going to go into your room until you write a letter of apology. Then, when you’re done with that letter, you can read it to me and we’ll talk about it. While you’re in your room, I’m going to take your computer and cell phone away to make sure you stay on target.” Be clear on what you’re going to do. Your child may get angry and frustrated, but don’t let him turn it into an argument. Say, “I understand that it might be frustrating, but this is how I want our family to work.”

I also suggest that you don’t make speeches, but keep your remarks specific and focused. Remember, speeches cut down on communication.

4. Tell Your Child What the Goal Is: I think it’s important to define your goals to your child. You can say something like, “My goal is that you don’t hurt other people by saying bad words.” Or “My goal is that you don’t steal money out of my wallet,” or “My goal is that you don’t punch the wall,” or “My goal is that you don’t throw sand in kids’ faces or bite them when you’re playing in the sandbox.” You can start out the conversation by saying, “I’ve noticed that when somebody teases you a little, you get really upset and you get yourself into trouble. I hate to see that, because then you get punished—and it happens all over again the next day. So from now on, let’s figure out a way for you to handle this differently so that you don’t get into trouble. When someone teases you, what can you do instead?” And come up with a game plan of what he might do next time.

It’s important to realize that what comes out of your mouth doesn’t always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to. And so even if your child is confused when you talk with him—he may be frustrated, worried, or angry—just try to stay calm. Whatever it is, say, “Let’s just see how it works out first.” Your child doesn’t have to agree; it’s not a democracy. But it’s a way of approaching problems that, over time, will change his perceptions of his relationship with authority—and his relationship with you.

5. Manage Opportunity: If you’re concerned that your child is going to do something hurtful or destructive, one of your options is to manage the opportunities he has. Let’s say you have a teenager who continuously gets speeding tickets. He doesn’t respond to your efforts to get him to take responsibility and drive more safely. One of the things you can do is take away his car. When you do that, you’re taking away the opportunity. It’s similar with younger kids. If they demonstrate that they won’t stop stealing money out of your wallet, take away the opportunity by putting a lock on your door or locking your purse in the trunk of your car. Opportunity management is one of the simplest ways of shaping behavior. In other words, if your daughter can’t handle the mall without throwing tantrums, don’t take her to the mall. If your son is at a restaurant and he can’t stop acting out, take him out of the restaurant. Once your child demonstrates that he can’t handle something, remove the opportunity until he shows you that he can. Often, if your child doesn’t have the opportunity to do something, it won’t happen.

6. Don’t Appeal to Your Child’s Empathy: Asking your child, “Do you know how it feels when you’re disrespectful to me?” or asking, “How do you think Tommy feels when you take his lunch money?” are appeals to your child’s empathy. But children, and especially teenagers, don’t experience much empathy for anybody. They are simply not in touch with those feelings. The apparatus that manages empathy in the mind is not working properly yet; some say it isn’t fully formed. Regardless of the reasons, empathy is not an approach that will convince your child of anything. Consequently, they don’t experience empathy for everyday situations, so you can’t depend on that tactic to change their behavior. Instead, you have to work with their self-interest. If you want your child to change something, you have to demonstrate that he will benefit from changing; that it’s in his self-interest. If you want your child to stop lying or manipulating, you have to frame it in a way so he can see how he would benefit from stopping that behavior. It’s not helpful to say “Can’t you see how much your manipulating hurts me?” Instead, say, “Aren’t you sick of getting grounded for manipulating? You’re the one who gets hurt when you manipulate. Remember, Josh, the consequences won’t stop until the manipulation stops. So stop doing this to yourself.”

7. Set Limits and Give Consequences: I think an important component of teaching our kids is learning how to set limits on them. There’s an old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” But I say, “You can lead a horse to water and you can’t make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.” That’s what your consequences should be designed to do. Accordingly, we can’t make our child change. But if we use the right combination of consequences and motivation, we can, in a sense, make them thirsty to change.

Remember, consequences are a means to an end. And if you find an effective consequence, continue to use it. By “effective” I mean that your child responds to it, even if only for a short while. It’s not always helpful to immediately go for a bigger hammer if the consequence doesn’t appear to be working. You should always have a bigger hammer in your toolbox, but escalate slowly.

Here’s the deal: someday your child is going to change—if not for you, then for his boss, a judge, his probation officer, or his girlfriend. Hopefully he’ll change before he engages in too much self-destruction. In any case, you’re on duty now, it’s your watch, so just do the best you can.

So how do you know if you should change your parenting style? I believe that you have to change the way you parent if what you’ve been doing up until now has proven ineffective. There’s information regarding learning effective parenting styles, giving effective consequences, and ways to have conversations with your child that promote change and don’t create excuses. Do your best to access that information, both here on Empowering Parents and in other trusted places.

And remember: It’s never too late.

By:  James Lehman

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

How To Talk To Teens About Sex

The Teen Culture and Sexuality

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

For twenty-one years I taught a sexuality unit as part of my eleventh grade health education course.  At the beginning of my career it was a risk to teach anything other than the biological aspects of sexuality, and my superintendent told me so. But I knew kids needed information on boundaries, relationships, love and pre-marital sex, and I accepted the risk.

In 2001, while serving as a school counselor and parent education facilitator, a parent stayed after a parenting class, handed me an article, and said, “I have a new class for you to teach.” The article discussed the casual sexual behavior of many teens, referred to currently as the hook-up culture. So I spent the next year researching adolescent sexuality and started the course It’s About Time.

Since then I have not only attempted to convince parents that they need to be their child’s primary sexuality educator, but I have also created opportunities to speak to teens on the subject. Much to my surprise, teens listened to every word out of my mouth. Even senior high boys respected me for telling them to be gentlemen. I have yet to have even one negative experience speaking to parents or kids about sexuality. Why?  Parents are petrified because their kids are being bombarded by sexuality in the media, and kids know having sex with virtual strangers is damaging their souls. Here are shocking statistics regarding the youth culture:

* 25% of females have been victims of dating violence

* 23% of teen girls have sent nude or semi-nude “sext” images of themselves

electronically; the number one reason for doing so is pressure from their boyfriends

* 70% of college females have been verbally coerced into having unwanted  sex

* The U.S. has the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the developed world,  and the highest rate of teens contracting STDs (40% of sexually active teen females)

* Boys having sex as teens are six times more likely to be depressed and girls are four times as likely to be depressed in comparison to teens who are virgins

* Oral sex is seen as being less intimate than kissing by many teens

* 88% of teens feel pressure to have sex

Many of these statistics refer to the sad state of affairs with girls, but it is girls who get pregnant, who are victims of male aggression, who are much more prone to STDs, and who are wired for sex to be part of an emotionally connected relationship, and who get called vulgar names if they are sexually active. Young males can easily separate love and sex, and need specific instruction in order to behave as gentlemen.

Our society is saturated with sexual content and yet parents are not being proactive in talking to their kids, and schools are still at least ten years behind the times in delivering meaningful sexuality education. In ’It’s About Time’ we give our teens the direction they need to make healthy choices with their sexuality. Teens do not understand that they cannot hook-up in casual sexual encounters without it affecting future relationships and the role of physical intimacy in those loving relationships. Teen boys cannot use teen girls, and girls cannot allow themselves to be used without it impacting the respect each has for the other.

The good news is that numerous research studies all conclude with the same finding: teens want their parents to guide their decisions with respect to their sexual behavior. They turn to their peers and the Internet by default. We have a moral obligation to shape our child’s sexual attitudes, beliefs and behavior. Their future family happiness is at stake.

My concern for the choices many teens are making, the indecency of the media, and the lack of quality comprehensive sexuality education lead me to write Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality. I am thrilled to partner with Ellen Braun and offer a tele-course for parents on the topic of communicating with our children about sexuality. Information on this course, along with a free tele-class we are offering is available here:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/thetalk/freecall/ – slots are limited to 500, so reserve your spot now.

Alan Carson is a retired educator and ACPI® Coach for Parents. Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com or through his website, http:www.coachforparents.net.

How To Deal With Teens Lying

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

There are two major issues to be considered with respect to teens lying to their parents: the parent-child relationship and the extent to which the teen sees his parents as authority figures.

First, we’ll examine the relationship.  As discussed in my most recent article on the subject of parenting teenagers and peer pressure, if we expect to have a meaningful impact on our teen’s choices, we have to be in a connected relationship with them. A parent-teen relationship should possess the same qualities as any other relationship: with trust at the foundation. My daughter needs to know that she can trust me to tell her the truth, trust that I want what is best for her, trust that I will be there when she needs me, trust I won’t crush her dreams, and trust that I will make sacrifices to help her get where she wants to go.  However, for there to be a relationship, my daughter needs to feel the same way about me.  I can be the most loving, giving dad on the planet, but if my daughter doesn’t respect me, we don’t have a relationship.

Therefore, the expectation I have of my daughter, or any teen I am in a relationship with (I coach basketball), is that we’re honest with each other. “I won’t lie to you, you won’t lie to me.” We can also say, “If you do something wrong, don’t make matters worse by lying about it. I can deal with the truth– I can’t deal with lies.”

In spite of this wonderful philosophy,  let’s say I catch my daughter in a fairly significant lie.  I’d say,”Sarah, sit down here, we have to have a talk.  You obviously lied to me.  I gave   you permission to go to Joanne’s house, but you had no intentions of being at  Joanne’s house.  You planned all along to go see Jason.  Why did you lie to me,  why did you feel you couldn’t be honest with me about this?”

Or

“Sarah, I have some questions for you.  Do I respect you– you know, do I snoop through your backpack, do I look through your cell phone?  No, of course not.  Don’t I try my best to cooperate with you when you want to do something? Didn’t I just agree to  allow you to go to a concert that was being held on a school night?  And how about driving? You get to drive one of our two family cars to school a lot, right? So, explain why lying to me  is OK with you?”

** If you really want to be calm and non-confrontational, say, “You lied to me about where you were going, what’s up with that?”  Doesn’t that sound harmless? “What’s up with that” is a great way to ask, “What is your problem?” or “What’s wrong with you?”

We then engage in a discussion about the incident. Discipline involves communication and teaching. Depending on how the conversation evolves, our teen may or may not suffer a consequence. If we think the message we delivered was sincerely accepted and understood, and she sees the error of her ways, a consequence may not be necessary. If a consequence is appropriate, I prefer, “What are you going to do to make this right?”

Our teen created a problem and our teen will do the thinking– not us.  If her plan is lame, we say, “That is unacceptable, you have to do better than that.” It has to be a losing proposition to be uncooperative and untrustworthy.

We also have to be an authority figure.  Why should our kids listen to us if we’re permissive wimps? Our words would mean nothing. Our kids conclude that our threats are hollow, and that they can manipulate their way out of experiencing a consequence. Waiting until the teen years to start clamping down is often too late because our kids don’t respect our authority. Our kids have to learn when they are young that,  “When my mother speaks, she means it. If I test her, I will lose. As long as I make good decisions, there is a good chance I’ll get to do what I want to do.”

Can I sit here and tell you this approach worked with my daughter? Yes I can. As a kid she slammed doors, kicked me, hit me, and was an unappreciative, entitled child. By ten years of age, she was a self-disciplined kid, because she learned,  “When I make good decisions, I have a great life.”

This includes lying. I do believe she creates her own reality on occasion (ex. “I’ll have enough times in study hall to finishing the book.”), but she is a moral person who doesn’t lie to me or anyone else. In large part, she doesn’t lie to me because we have a connected relationship and she does respect me.

Lasting Behavior Changes

Recently, several responses to the question, “What is your most pressing parenting problem?” turned up in my inbox.

Here are some of the replies:

Getting my 11-year-old motivated to do more and to avoid disagreements.

My 9-year-old daughter is very disrespectful and I want to address that.

I not only want to be a better grandparent than I was a parent at 17; I want to set a good example for my grandchildren’s parents.

I want to foster joy and creativity in my child.

My 5-year-old sulks and pouts whenever things do not go his way.

Trying to get my kids to do what they need to do (get dressed, bathe, come to dinner) without threats, counting or other coercion.

Each statement above deserves its own article and comes with its unique history and circumstances.

Yet, it is possible to address so many issues simultaneously by thinking of your child as a river.  Yes, imagine that your daughter is a small stream in your yard.

The stream flows from upstream and meanders to the left in your backyard.  For the sake of this parable, ‘left’ is a manifestation of negative behavior, and ‘right’ refers to positive behavior.

Your child is exhibiting negative behavior, and you’d like to see her take positive actions.

So, in our story, the creek is flowing towards the left, and your goal is to change the current to the right.

There are lots of things you can do to change the flow of the water:  You may choose to use oars to manually direct the current in the opposite direction; you can get a powerful fan to blow the waters toward the right; or you may decide to use the force of your hands to guide the water in its new path.

Similarly, you may choose to offer your child an incentive for better behavior, a threat of punishment for negative behavior, or distract your daughter for the issue at hand and hope for the best!

All of your activities at the stream in your yard will have a little bit of impact in the flow of the water, but the current will resume its prior direction as soon as you stop tinkering with it.  So too, your child will likely revert back to negative habits as soon as you cease the incentives or threats.

Only by manipulating the riverbed can you cause lasting change to the flow of water in your yard.  You may not be aware of the bedrock beneath the stream, yet that is what defines the path of the water.

And it is only by fundamentally changing the bedrock of your relationship with your child that real and meaningful behavioral changes will occur.  It is entirely possible that you are currently unaware of the subtleties of the parent-child relationship in your home; yet that is the foundation that determines the dynamics of your family.

Many people continue to kick and slap the water flowing in their yard in the right direction, and they feel continually frustrated to find that a short time later the old situation returned.  Most parents continue to institute incentives and threats, and are surprised that their children do not exhibit respect and compliance.

The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz eloquently describes that when superficial changes are made, lasting changes cannot occur.  If the riverbed remains unchanged, the water will continue to flow as it always has, since that is the most natural route for it to take.  If the underlying structures of your life remain unchanged; the greatest tendency is for you and your family to follow the same direction your life has always taken.

Just as engineers can change the path of a river by changing the structure of the terrain so that the river flows where they want it to go, you can change the very basic structure of your family relationships to create the life you want.

I will be sharing years of accumulated knowledge and exercises that you can do to make your family’s new habits easier to do than the old ones in my new teleseminar.  Details can be found here:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/connection-workshop/

Parenting Teenagers

Parenting Teens

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

Having taught, coached, counseled teens for a career, and being the father of a seventeen-year old, I think I know teens.  In my opinion, here is how we need to parent teenagers effectively:

1) Teens absolutely need to be trusted. It is beyond wanting to be trusted.  They need us to trust them. Even when they make mistakes, do stupid things, defy boundaries, they expect that we’ll trust them to learn from their mistakes.  That is the tough part— they do something ridiculous and we’re still supposed to trust them.

I know this is ludicrous, but here’s the problem.  If we communicate that we don’t trust them, then they internalize that and say to themselves, “My parents don’t trust me, so I guess I’m a loser.  Since I’m a loser, I’ll do what losers do. My parents don’t expect any better from me.”

Therefore, we need to say things like:

“We need to work on this trust issue.”

“Convince me you’ve learned your lesson. I should trust you because—??”

“I trust you’ve learned from this and it won’t happen again.”

“You do want me to trust you, right? Well let’s earn it, OK?”

“You’re a smart kid, I expect better from you.”

2)  Teens want the right to make their own decisions— when to study and do homework, how much to study, who to be friends with, when to go to bed, and so forth.  And they want to make these decisions to the extent that they will go against our logical advice just to do it their way.  Asserting control can be more powerful for them than the desire to be successful. Therefore, we need to plant seeds and trust they will give our opinions consideration.

3)  Power struggles are lose-lose. We can’t make teens do anything and if we try, the lose-lose is:

-  our relationship suffers

-  they possibly are going to do what they want to do anyway

-  if they do what we want them to do against their will, they’ll resent us

-  we get frustrated, irritated and angry

4)  Our power when parenting our teens is in our relationship with them. If we create a heart connection with our kids, they will not want to disappoint us because they respect us. None of us like letting down people we respect. When they are out with their friends, they’ll think about us before they do something stupid or wrong. Why?  Because when they come home they’ll have to look us in the eye, and if they behaved poorly, that will make them uncomfortable. Did you want to hurt people you respected when you were growing up? Our relationship with our teens trumps all other issues.

5)  We can’t control who they choose to be friends with. All we can control is holding them accountable for their behavior, regardless of the circumstances. Therefore we say, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you

get to pick who you’re friends with. I resented it when my parents didn’t like my friends and so we’re not going to do that with you. The bad news is, if you get in trouble when you’re with your friends, don’t expect me to bail you out or buy your story. You will be held accountable.”

6)  Teens are hyper sensitive to both our opinions and our judgments. Don’t take it personally if your child gets irritated with you when you communicate your thoughts about something.  It is highly annoying, but just say “I’m allowed to have

my own brain you know.”  Adolescence is tough— growing up is about forming your own identity.  So they are not children and they aren’t adults. They are half way between, and becoming their own person can be a tough phase. One of the outcomes is that they get irritated when we open our mouth. Don’t create a conflict with them over it, but do set a boundary.

7)  Teens want freedom. They don’t want to hear “no.”  While there will be times that we need to say “no,” we should do our best to negotiate. We express our concerns and require that our kids convince us that they have a plan to stay safe and fulfill our expectations. We’d love to protect our teens, but we often can’t.  We have to prepare them for the teen culture. We prepare them by talking with them about potential risks and how we expect them to conduct themselves.

8 )   Our kids want to fit in with their peers and specifically fit in with their own peer group. Therefore, we have to hope that our kids choose friends who we’re pleased with.  If we’re not thrilled with their friends, we probably won’t like our child’s clothing, music, media interests, activities— and so forth.  When that is the case, we communicate our concerns and discuss the impact their decision-making may have on their future goals. Regardless of our fears, we have to keep #4 in mind:  our power is in our relationship. The teen culture is powerful, but not as powerful as a connected parent-teen relationship.

9)   The older they get, the more we have to let go. Micromanaging a teen is counterproductive. They have to learn to make decisions, and it is best that we start to do that when they are young and poor decisions normally don’t have grave consequences:  going to school tired, failing to finish a project on time, and going to a Friday night high school football game without a coat are things our kids are better off experiencing when they are young.

 

Questions? Add your comments and questions below:

Peer Pressure

How BIG Is Peer Pressure?
by:
Alan Carson, ACPI© Coach for Parents

Until recently, the only time in my life I went gambling was with my buddies during my first year of teaching.  I was asked to play “penny poker,” and was told to bring a bunch of pennies, nickels and dimes.  Even though it was thirty years ago, I vividly remember what happened that night.  I turned over a Queen, and bet all of my change that the next card would be lower than a Queen.  That card was an Ace and I instantly became really angry.  Even though I did not lose much money, I was done with gambling–forever!

Then, this past November I took my friend to a University of Pittsburgh football game and we decided to eat lunch at the new first class Rivers Casino buffet.  I knew Bill had been to casinos before and gambled a bit, but gambling on this occasion was not even discussed.  We arrived 20 minutes before the buffet opened, and Bill found his favorite game of chance, the poker slot machines.  Bill played a couple of games, and showed me how Texas hold ‘em worked.  Well, within ten minutes I lost $20.

Question:  Did Bill pressure me to play Texas hold ‘em?  Was that an example of peer pressure? No, it was not peer pressure.  Bill didn’t:

a. Say,  “Play the slots or I won’t go to any more Pitt games with you.”
b. Say,  “Stop being a wimp.”
c. Say,  “You don’t have much money, so you can’t lose much; you might even win!”
d. Even ask me if I wanted to gamble.

I gambled because my friend’s enjoyment of modest gambling influenced me to want to try  it.  I was with someone who was willing to lose $20, so I was willing to lose $20.

The point is peer influence is a bigger issue than peer pressure. This is not to say that kids are not susceptible to peer pressure, but far more kids will choose to engage in behavior just because the people they are with are doing it.  Nobody has to say a word because nobody wants to be different.  Sometimes these situations are fairly harmless and sometimes they are very risky.

Peer pressure usually occurs in one of the following ways, as depicted in a,b,c,d above:

a.  Rejection
b.  Put down
c.  Reasoning
d.  Unspoken (often a better fit with peer influence)

Does peer pressure exist in the teen culture?  Yes, but it is not as problematic as many adults think it is.  If my high school daughter was leaving home to go to a school dance and I said,  “Now darling, don’t let anybody pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do,”  she would look at me like I was a dork.  We would create a problem, because we need credibility with our kids.  This approach is unrealistic because:

1. The teen culture is values neutral.  This is no right and wrong. Kids say, “That’s his choice.” Hooking-up isn’t wrong, cheating isn’t wrong, Chris Brown beating girlfriend Rihanna isn’t wrong.
2. In most cases, it is not cool to pressure someone into doing something.
3. To allow yourself to be pressured into doing something lowers your
status within the peer group.  Kids who party have respect for   students who don’t party.  If a clean cut kid gets drunk, he will lose  the respect of many others.

As I see it, there is peer pressure in three areas:

1. Kids pressure each other to have sex.  Guys pressure girls, guys pressure  other guys (a macho thing), and girls pressure other girls (misery loves company).
2. Kids who are not comfortable with themselves or with their standing in the peer group can be pressured into doing things in an effort to improve their standing in the group.
3.  Kids will pressure other kids if they need help doing something wrong.
(“Tell Mrs. Jones that you needed my help setting up for the  assembly.  I need you to tell her I was with you.”)

Peer Influence

The toughest pressure we face is the pressure we put on ourselves.  We want to fit in, be well-liked, be popular, be funny, and we don’t want to be different or be made fun of.  It is also possible we’re being influenced because we are curious.

Teen surveys support what I am saying.  Only 35% of teens report that they ever were pressured to do something by a peer, or pressured one of their friends.  However when asked, “Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong to possibly avoid being teased,” 50% said yes.  Internal pressure is greater than external pressure.  It is a fact of life that our peers influence our choices regardless of age, just as I was influenced to waste $20 gambling.  Teens are influenced to wear certain clothing, watch TV shows, get Facebook, and join peer groups.  Negatively, they are influenced to drink alcohol and have sex.

Helping Our Kids Make Good Decisions

1. We need to strengthen our children as they mature by:

a. Teaching our kids that they have the right to say no and they need to be  comfortable saying no. Their first obligation is to themselves.
b. Respecting their boundaries– when they say “Please stop nagging me”;  “OK mom, you can stop now”;  “I don’t want to invite him to my birthday party–it is my birthday,” we have to respect them.
c. Acknowledging their feelings and letting them express their feelings  (they are welcome to be mad, but they cannot mean).
d. Enhancing their uniqueness (they must realize they are their own  person, with strengths, needs, values and beliefs).
e. Supporting them as they struggle with making decisions; but we need to allow them to make decisions so they learn to make good choices.
f. Saying, “Just because somebody thinks something is right for them  doesn’t mean it is right for you.”

2. As they grow up, stress the importance of making friends with good people  (loyal, trustworthy, moral).
3. Prepare them for all new situations (trips to the mall, school dances, and walking to Starbucks after school are examples).  As the military motto states, Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
4. Focus on earned self-esteem. If our kids want to feel good about themselves, they have to earn that right.
5.  Every now and then when the opportunity presents itself, say “Don’t forget Janice, cool is when you don’t care if you are cool or not.”  This axiom is true!
6.  We all are influenced by our peers.  We need to discuss the influences that are harmful and against our values/morals, but not fight about the small things in life that aren’t harmful (crazy hair, going with the guys to play paint ball).
7. Discuss with our kids that just as there is negative peer influence/peer pressure, there is positive peer influence/pressure.  Great kids create their own norms and doing immoral or unhealthy things would cause them to be rejected from the group.  But just as importantly, we want our kids to be comfortable being vocal leaders with their friends and to speak up as soon as someone mentions doing something wrong.  Display leadership.

Examples:
“Joe, we’re not doing that.”
“Don’t be mean to Kyle; he’s odd but he doesn’t hurt anyone.”
“Carrie, I am not smoking and neither are you.”

*** The first response spoken by a peer after a teen suggests something harmful, unhealthy, immoral or illegal is very critical. If someone supports the lousy idea, there is a good chance things will proceed in that direction. But, if a teen with character and strength opposes the idea, there is a good chance the bad idea will be seen as such. Most kids are hesitant to speak up, but all it takes is for one kid to say no for others to agree.

Teen Drinking

Question: My 13-year-old son has come home from friend’s houses with alcohol on his breath a few too many times. My husband says that a drink here and there is nothing to worry about. My husband is not an alcoholic; he hardly ever gets drunk although he has a glass or two of wine to help him fall asleep every evening. We’ve talked to our son about drugs and alcohol, and we live in a good school district, but his friends seem to have lots of access to adult beverages. I’m so worried about my son, I haven’t been sleeping well. Please advise!

Sincerely,

Anne – Philadelphia, PA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a pediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Anne,

In North America we have age of majority. In Canada, most provinces are 19, some are 18 and in the U.S it is 21. Drinking under age is against the law. Regardless of what your personal views are on minor’s drinking, if a 13-year-old were to be caught by police, it is a chargeable offense. The parents of your son’s friends are liable in these situations too. Because your son is so young, the parents’ of these friends would probably be charged in lieu of your son. Either way, who wants to get involved in that?

When you say he comes home with alcohol on his breath – is he drunk? And if it is happening a few too many times, you probably need to consider whether or not your son has an alcohol problem. If he does, he needs help! Statistics show that there is an increased risk for alcoholism the younger a person starts drinking (varies by culture).

The other issues I wonder about is whether he is drinking in the presence of these friends’ parents? Or are the parents not home? I would suggest asking your son what the situation is over at his friends’ houses. Have you tried calling these parents and having a discussion with them? – perhaps they are not aware that their son and his friends are drinking and could put measures in their house that prevents it from happening. Perhaps they do know and don’t care, which is ultimately putting your son at risk! Then you need to decide if you want your child going there anymore.

Even though you say your husband doesn’t get drunk – using any substance to mask or deal with something like pain, or anxiety or not sleeping can be problematic. The issue is that usually the body builds up a tolerance – so when two glasses of wine don’t help him fall asleep anymore it becomes three, then four etc. Before you know it, you have created a problem. Just be careful with that one. As well, if your son is aware that your husband only drinks to “fall asleep” you are communicating the need for substances outside of one’s self to help one cope. Maybe your son is drinking because he is dealing with some issue like anxiety, or social incompetence, or peer pressure where he thinks he will only be liked if he goes along with his friends and drinks. If Dad is saying it’s no big deal to have a drink “now and then” — your son has just been given permission to drink — even though you don’t think it’s right, a child will usually go with the parent who is going to let him do something!

You and your husband have to come to some kind of agreement on this issue and stay on same page when dealing with your son.

Talk to your son about how he is feeling. Refrain from lecturing about drugs and alcohol – you’ve tried that and obviously it had no benefit. Let your son know that you are there for him, no matter what. You may have to start imposing restrictions on his time away from home until you can get this sorted out and build back trust.

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