Think about the word failure. Could you call someone a failure without being disrespectful? It starts
with the letter “F”, and we all know what getting an “F” means in the world. Yet, I know that failure is
critical to learning, and I want my own kids to learn how to fail with grace and resilience. There are even
famous quotes that say something to the effect of “You need to fail in order to succeed”. Given this
truth, I thought it was important to weigh in on the critical nature of failure for school age kids, and how
to go about dealing with it as it occurs in your household.

As an educator in middle school and high school, I have run into this paradox over and over, and it
usually shows up around 7th or 8th grade when kids start getting grades and taking tests. With the onset
of homework and projects that take more time management comes the parenting moment where one is
faced with the choice of whether or not to intervene when you see the train wreck coming.

Other parents, the school, your neighbor will offer advice. With a smile, they will tell you that it is time
to let go. After all, it is your child’s grade at stake, not your own, but as all parents know, there is some
voice inside that asks, “You want me to let my child fail?”, and it just doesn’t seem to fit.

Good parents do not let their children fail, right? Wrong. First of all, there is no such thing as a good
or bad parent. All parents love their children and want the best for them, but each parent has choices
to make and often it is one’s own past experience with failure that drives our decision making. In my
opinion, there are few key things that you need to ask or consider when confronted with this paradox.

• Do I want my child to live in my basement until they are thirty?
• Do I know how to support my child emotionally without taking over and fixing their problems?
• If my child fails, will I be embarrassed?
• Do I have better things to do than organize my child’s backpack or deliver the math homework to school that they forgot at home?
• Do I want my child to feel empowered to solve their own problems or reliant on me to deal with their issues? Answer this one carefully as many parents feel a great deal of satisfaction from being the person who swoops in and knows what to do.

Now check your answers:  “No to number one, “I don’t know or I hope so” to number two, “Yes” to
number three, “Yes” to number four, and probably “yes” and “yes” to the last one if one is being honest.
Taking them in order, here is what I would add:

A critical act of love as a parent comes in the form of letting your child fail. There is a high
likelihood they will end up living in your basement if you don’t; especially if they are male.
The act of supporting your kids emotionally without doing anything to fix their problems is hard,
but worth investing some time looking into. It gives parents something to do when they get
anxious. When kids come home crying after failing a test, being dumped, or being wronged by a
teacher, instead of trying to fix it, just make cookies. Everyone feels better after eating cookies,
and while baking does nothing to change one’s reality, it helps communicate that you are there
for them and you care. If cookies aren’t your thing, try saying, “That sounds really hard, is there
anything you need?”

In regards to your own embarrassment over your child’s failure, you will need to get over it.
Everyone makes mistakes, and nothing teaches a child to hate themselves more than a parent
who is embarrassed by them. Perfect parents do not exist, and nothing can bring a competent
adult to their knees faster than a 3 year old or teenager who has decided to take a stand.
Parents do have more important things to do with their time than fix their kid’s mistakes. Take
up a hobby or if one is intent on working, find a job that pays you money instead of working for
your child for free. Your kids may be disappointed that you didn’t bring their math homework
to school, in fact they may even blame your for their failure, but in the long run they will respect
your more for leaving it to them to figure that out, and you will be shocked how many kids will just solve their own issues when given the chance.

Last, but not least, the act of intervening so that your child doesn’t experience any pain feels
like an act of love, but to a teen it sends the implicit message that they are incapable. Trust me
on this one, I have sat with hundreds of kids who believe they are failures, and I have traced
the roots of that belief to an overbearing parent that takes over their life with good intentions.
Why do you think that rehabilitation centers for troubled teens center on hard work and
responsibility? The reason is that teens want to be independent. That is their primary job, to
learn to take care of themselves, so they can transition, go to college, move out and ultimately
face this same paradox with their own children.

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I know that this paradox is one of the most difficult issues that parents of middle and high school kids face.

Good luck, and I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts.

Ryan Burke

http://ryanburkeeducation.blogspot.com/

Have you even heard of the term “middle child syndrome”? It’s a term that suggests the middle child in the family is different from the rest of the children and that in a sense, they’re a problem child. The middle child is different from the others but then, aren’t all children different in some way? What makes the middle child stand out more is the fact that they are no longer the baby like they were before the new addition to the family arrived.

This means that the new baby gets all of the attention that the middle child used to get and this often causes behavior problems. However, this is nothing out of the ordinary. In most cases, they will pick on the baby to make him or her cry to try and get attention. Sometimes, they may seek attention by taking items that belong to the older child they know they shouldn’t touch. These are a few of the things that earn them the title of problem child but this title is not always appropriate.

This type of behavior is natural. After all, baby is getting all of the attention they use to get and they miss it. On top of that, older brother or sister gets to have all kinds of extra privileges and do things that they want to do but they’re not old enough yet. It’s only natural they would be a little resentful of the others and as a result, they do things that get them in trouble.

Fortunately, there are some things that you can do to make the transition for the middle child easier. First of all, be compassionate and understanding. Consider how you would feel if you were in the same position and this will help you understand how they feel and why they do the things they do.

Make sure you spend time with your middle child and make plans to do something special with just them. This will let them know that they are still special and loved as much as the other two children. It’s also important to listen to what they have to say and learn what interest them. Never compare your children to each other because this will certainly cause problems.

Let the middle child decide what’s for dinner once in awhile or pick the movie for family time. This will help to make them feel more important which in turn will help reduce their need to get attention by causing problems. When you show each of your children how much you love them and make an effort to spend time with each of them equally, middle child syndrome doesn’t have to be a problem.

My middle son, Jacob, is very interested in gold, silver, and diamonds.  He is particularly keen on selling my diamond engagement ring and buying me a crystal replacement and himself a room full of toys!  As I tuck him into bed at night, he sometimes asks this playful question, “Mom, if someone would give you an entire house filled with diamonds and gold in exchange for me—would you sell me?”

“NEVER!” I state resolutely.  “I love you more than all the diamonds in the world!”  Then we laugh and exchange ‘I love you’s, ascertain that the nightlight is on, the fan is on its lowest speed, teeth have been brushed, and stuffed animals are all nearby.

We would never dream of trading our children for all the money in the world.  (Well, except on certain, very trying days!)  So, let’s think about this:  How far would you travel to save 80% on a new air conditioner and how long would that take?  Shouldn’t we budget at least that amount of time for giving individual attention to our kids… daily?

Making time for our children is the best way to educate them that they are at least as important as our housework, errands, and careers.

Physically or emotionally absent parents allow a void to be created in their children’s lives that they may attempt to fill by seeking out harmful types of activities.

Everyone knows that children require proper nutrition to have healthy bodies.  The absence of integral vitamins or minerals can wreak havoc on young, rapidly-developing body systems.  Emotional development works with the exact same principles.  Emotional nurturing and love are the nutrients that are critical to the formation of healthy mindsets, relationships, and self confidence.

When we speak lovingly to our children, they will quickly learn the language of love.

Each and every person has their own “language of love”, and it is imperative that we develop our parenting skills and tap into the type of love and communication that resonates best with our child’s personality.  A full description of the 5 languages of love is beyond the scope of this article, find more information in this bestseller:  The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman

Educating and encouraging your children to practice time management can be fun and practical. When you are able to help them better manage their time, it can be enormously helpful to you as well. Teaching your kids time management now will undoubtedly help them have a more productive life in the future.

Start out by getting the right tools for your kids. Get them a calendar, either a desk calendar or a wall calendar which fits well in their room. Attach a string with a pen or marker to use on the calendar. Help them mark off important events, such as project due dates, test dates, and parties.

Teach your kids to avoid procrastinating until the night before projects or tests to start working on them. Model advance preparation personally, and demonstrate how you get ready prior to approaching deadlines.  Help youngsters realize that starting ahead of time will help them to accomplish projects sooner, entail less stress, and will yield higher quality results

Create a routine for effective time management for kids. Set up a specific time and place for homework and recreation. Ensure that they complete their homework prior to playing games or watching television. Once homework has been completed, children can help with household chores and then relax. Generally kids have less energy as the evening progresses, so having them complete it earlier rather than later will be more effective.

Lead your kids by being a good example of effective time management.  As a parent, you cannot help them to practice time management if you are not using these skills personally.  Children learn far more by watching your behavior than listening to your lectures, so brush up on your own skills to help them learn better ways to manage their time.  You will reap many rewards:  more harmony, less rushing, eliminating last-minute stress, and greater efficiency in your entire household.

Teach your children to break large projects into several small steps.  Anyone can eat an elephant- if it has been sliced thinly enough!  Take a big project like a report, and divide it into 5 or 10 simple steps with your child.  This will turn the proverbial mountain back into a molehill!

Encourage your children to keep a time diary and measure how long common tasks take to accomplish.  Kids often underestimate the amount of time that has been spent on a fun activity and overestimate the time it takes to do a boring chore.  Logging time will give your children a realistic frame of reference to gauge the time needed for specific tasks.

Teach your children to get ready the night before – think of evenings as elastic and mornings as rigid time periods.

Use containers and organizing caddies to keep related supplies together.  Have a box for homework supplies, a cup for teeth-cleaning supplies, and a basket for hobby supplies.

Cook and bake together.  You will bond over delicious, fresh foods, and learn to use measuring spoons and cups.  A measuring cup is a great parable for our time; there is only a limited amount of it that can be fit into a specific space or time period!  More than one cup of flour in the 1-cup measuring cup will cause overflowing; more than X amount of activities in the day will cause stress and over-scheduling!

Provide rewards for small accomplishments to motivate your child to follow through on enhancing her organizational skills.  I bought myself a recliner after 25 consecutive days of waking up with the first ring of my alarm; take this concept to the things that are difficult for your child, and have her earn something she really wants and gain valuable skills simultaneously!

Help your children set goals so that they can learn to prioritize their usage of time, and learn to say “no” to things that will eat up their time without producing any benefits.

P.S.  Creating Hours contains hundreds of parent-tested tips and tricks to get more hours in the day!  Learn more here:  CreatingHours.com

I’m a stay-at-home mom of two rambunctious boys, aged 5 and 3. lately, I feel like all they do is fight, fight, fight! (“I want the blue car” – “Me, me” – you get the picture!) How can I make it stop?

Thanks, A Frazzled Mom

Dear Frazzled Mom,

You may find comfort in the knowledge that fighting between siblings ranks very high in most people’s parental pet peeves. It’s loud, it’s intense, and sometimes it seems it will never go away. Before we tackle the question of to do about kids’ fighting, it’s important to step back and consider the large picture of what it is we’d like to accomplish when we intervene. You may be groaning and rolling your eyes. “I just want it stopped!” But let’s take a closer look at some vital lessons we can impart to our children along the way.

You have identified conflicts between young children: “You stole my stickers!” “Stop looking at me!” and the like. These conflicts will evolve into more complex conflicts throughout every age of childhood and the teenage years. In its various forms, conflict is inevitable. So the bad news is, your children probably won’t grow out of this anytime soon

But don’t despair. Before we resign ourselves to constant bickering, let’s take a look at the necessity of these conflicts and the opportunities they offer us as parents.

The possibility of conflict between two parties is present and unavoidable in every form of human interaction. People have needs, and these needs may conflict with those of another person. We know all about conflicts between siblings, but it isn’t difficult to identify conflict at every level: between neighbors (“He keeps blocking my driveway!”), in the workplace (“I put in all this work and she takes the credit!”), and even on global levels (“They stole our land!”).

Now let’s revisit the issue of fighting between siblings. When we widen our lens to take in the larger picture, the bickering takes on a new importance – a new potential. Fighting between siblings becomes a unique opportunity for children to learn conflict resolution skills in a supportive atmosphere. We offer them a virtual social laboratory, enabling them to learn these skills at their own pace, with plenty of opportunities to practice! Here, they learn to navigate the complex maze of human relationships. Here is a safe environment where they can utilize their unique endowment of strengths to build rewarding relationships while ensuring each party’s satisfaction. We can guide them in learning to get their needs met without impinging on someone else’s and how to be assertive and proactive without resorting to aggression or submission.

So next time the inevitable, “He kicked me!” is heard in your home, view it as a unique teaching opportunity. And have no fear: if you botched it the first time, rest assured you’ll have many additional opportunities at your disposal!

Firstly, whenever possible, ignore bickering. The guiding principle here, and among many other areas of parenting, is to foster responsibility among your children. Try to let the kids resolve these mini-conflicts; intervening should be done minimally and as a last resort so as not leave the children feeling as if they can’t handle it alone.

Sometimes you’ll hear the arguing beginning to escalate, and your intervention may be helpful. Not to judge or serve as a referee, but rather to help dispel the tension and allow the children to actually hear each others’ needs. Think of your role as that of a translator: your job is to translate each child’s screaming, name-calling, and even physical aggression, into a language the other child can hear and accept, while preserving the intensity and feeling and the needs communicated by the first child.

When you hear: “You’re such a disgusting slob! I can’t stand living with you! I spend hours cleaning up and you’ve wrecked it gain- now I have nowhere to hang out with my friends!”

You as translator can interject: “Whoa! You’re really mad. You’ve worked so hard and it’s frustrating to see all that work go to waste. And it’ll be embarrassing for to bring friends here…” This allows the children to deal with actual feelings and needs, without getting stuck in blaming and name-calling.

Finally, if fighting gets to a point where parental intervention is inescapable, try to use it as an opportunity to impart a bite-sized lesson of the values in your home (while physically restraining, if necessary.) “Stop! I see two children about to really hurt each other! You must be really mad! But in our house, we use our mouth to show each other we’re angry… Ben- you go to your room. Amy- to yours. When you’ve calmed down enough to talk it out, come out and work it through!”

Sibling conflicts can be an opportunity to teach our children some of our deepest values about respect, relationships, and communication. Seize the opportunity to share these lessons, and with time, you’ll begin to see your children mirror these values in their own relationships.

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

I just read what Dyan wrote on this site, via the email- loved it – and I have a question and need help!

What should we do with our eleven-year-old son who is continuously being “snappy” and short tempered (yelling, being crabby) with his eight-year-old sister?  He complains that she is annoying; and while that might be the case in some instances, certainly not all – this has gone on for over a year (during which, Dad was serving in Iraq).  Dad is back now, and neither of us know what to do.

Our family went away for an overnight, and the 2 kids actually had FUN having a pillow fight in the hotel room!  This made me want to cry, as that is about the only time they weren’t squabbling in such a long time.

Judy, WI

The question is:  How to get my son to “love” (or at least, be nice to) his sister?

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

It’s inevitable that kids will fight. If we can try and think of every squabble as a great opportunity for teaching our children about negotiation and problem-solving skills (tactics they will need as adults) then we might have a better appreciation for helping them to deal with conflict. I know better said than done! Sometimes the fighting is just too much and when they are not being “nice” to one another, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved ourselves.

I offer some strategies you might want to employ to help with your children’s sibling disputes:

• Try and discern what is at the root of the problem: Is your son jealous of his younger sister? (Is she more athletic; does she get more “physical” attention because of an illness or a learning disorder; is she smarter; does she have more friends.) There could be any number of reasons why he might be envious of her. The key is to find out if he is and provide him opportunities where his strengths and differences shine and are not overshadowed by her talents. For instance, if he is a whiz at chess – find a chess club in your area. Try and involve them in individual activities that highlight their differences and varying interests and not boast about one more than the other (we don’t do this on purpose, but sometimes just talking about what so and so did that was so great and not mention the sibling, is interpreted by the sibling that he is less than/not as loved as much/that his parents favor his sister etc; etc.)

• He’s three years older, and that should come with some privileges: such as having a later bedtime, taking on more responsibilities (yes that is a privilege!), perhaps attending functions or groups where there is a minimum age requirement (11-13 year olds), watching movies or reading books that are ok for his age but not appropriate for hers; so that he feels a sense of some entitlement — not to lord over his sister, but to help him feel that he doesn’t always have to “be” and “play” with an eight year old. He’s coming into pre-adolescence and his hormones and thought processes are changing at a rapid rate (which also includes moodiness and intolerance). So when he has some time “away” that he can act and be 11 he may start to appreciate the time he does spend with his sister because he has had a reprieve somewhere in the middle of living with her.

• When you say she is annoying – how is she annoying? Is she going into his room uninvited? Taking his stuff? He should be allowed to have some possessions that he doesn’t have to share. As adults, we don’t always share with our neighbors or our own children either. So tell him to tag some items that are strictly his and she needs to learn to respect that they do not belong to her. And likewise of course. He shouldn’t be taking her stuff or going into her room without her permission either.

• Because of the age difference, especially with him at 11 and her 8 (it will level off again when their developmental needs are more aligned) try engaging them in activities together that will appeal to both ages.  It’s hard during this spread to find activities that interest them both and they can get along doing. You will probably find your son fluctuates between being a “teenager” who is only into music and skateboards and friends and then on the turn of a dime he is being carefree and having a pillow fight. Cards is usually one that holds an interest for all ages – teach them euchre, or cribbage that you can play as a family. Fuse ball or cranium; anything that will be fun for “all” ages and you and your husband do it with them. When you do things that appeal to both, the age and developmental gap will be less prominent during their interactions.

• Try and foster independence in your children and get them to work it out as much as possible where you don’t have to be involved. Teach them to negotiate and problem solve. For example: “The two of you need to work out a schedule for the TV and if you are not able to do that, I will have to intervene and you may not like what I come up with.” They may surprise you and come up with something brilliant and amicable. This also teaches them that they can’t rely on other people to always fix their problems or intervene on their behalf when they are confronted by conflict.

• Have consequences you can follow through on for when they are name calling or physically lashing out at one another. I like to use restitution. Whenever one of my boys emotionally or physically hurts another, I have them make amends by giving their brother a “good deed”. Sometimes they write letters of apology, or clean their brother’s room, or take on their brother’s chores for a day, or give their brother some worthy possession (that usually happens when there’s a need for a big apology). I don’t believe in just having them say “sorry”. They often just end up being words. But when they have to make amends and be thoughtful about it, that’s when you really see and hear the apology.

• Teach your children to verbalize how teasing and snappiness from one another makes them feel. Get your daughter to tell him how it hurts her feelings so he can understand and appreciate the impact of his actions (it is the development of empathy). Tell your son to describe how her being annoying bothers him. When we give our children a “feelings vocabulary” they are more able to factor in all sides of an argument by listening to how other people feel. Feeling words have dramatic meaning and help to trigger emotions where empathy resides.

• Don’t always assume it is your son being nasty for no reason. He just may be more vocal and loud in his response to your daughter instigating. Another words, he gets caught and she doesn’t. This may not be the case but bear with me… If you didn’t see the precipitating event, I wouldn’t rely on what either of them says about it. And not because I am suggesting they would lie, but the truth is in the eye of the beholder. People tell “their” truth based on their perception of what happened. And usually everyone has a different perception. Try and get them to voice their feelings about an incident as opposed to finding out what happened. You will never get the whole truth so be solution focused instead of re-hashing the problem. Re-hashing the problem doesn’t fix it – finding a solution to the problem will.

• Concentrate on when the kids are getting along and make sure you let them know how much you enjoy watching that. For instance “I really appreciated how well the two of you got along on that trip; it was an enjoyable family outing!” Be realistic though, you can’t expect them to get along all of the time and insisting that they do is too high a bar for them to reach.

• This started when dad was serving in Iraq – your son may have become a little “parentified” thinking he was the man of the house. He may have felt it was necessary to “keep his sister in line” so to speak; and being immature, he wouldn’t know the first thing about how to “raise” an eight year old except to boss her around.  He may have some unresolved fear issues about his dad being in Iraq and it manifested in his hostility toward his sister. He may still feel angry for dad leaving him for a period of time. You might want to explore these issues more. It sounds like he is only behaving this way to his sister and no one else. How is he toward you? Dad? Have there been problems with peers (fighting, bullying) or at school with teachers? If the anger is happening elsewhere you may want to explore some ways that he can work that out (perhaps counseling for him and dad).

How can you and your child get past you walking in on her (7 years old) watching an Adult movie for about 1 hour & 23 minutes  to be exact.  My husband was watching her and fell asleep, so she chose her own movie.

Sincerely,

Eva in San Fransico, CA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult to answer without having a discussion to sort out the details. My answer is brief but will hopefully lead you in the best direction for how to deal with this unfortunate circumstance:

• I am in no place to make judgments on the kind of videos you have in your home. However, I will say, first and foremost, you and your husband need to find a discreet place where you can keep Adult movies where they are not accessible to your seven year old child.

• Your daughter will need help processing her feelings toward what she saw in the video. I strongly suggest you speak with a professional one on one and get some guidance about how to proceed.

• These types of visual images are too difficult for a child of 7 to comprehend. They were probably quite disturbing to her and with it being her first exposure to visual sexual content, her understanding for what ”healthy sexual behaviors” are, is at risk of being skewed. You may start noticing some inappropriate sexual acting out from your daughter as she tries to process what she has witnessed. It may also be advisable that she too has some counseling to make sense of what she saw and put it in a context that will not affect her self-esteem or her attitude toward sex in the future.

Question:

Sincerely,

Anne – Philadelphia, PA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a pediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Anne,

In North America we have age of majority. In Canada, most provinces are 19, some are 18 and in the U.S it is 21. Drinking under age is against the law. Regardless of what your personal views are on minor’s drinking, if a 13-year-old were to be caught by police, it is a chargeable offense. The parents of your son’s friends are liable in these situations too. Because your son is so young, the parents’ of these friends would probably be charged in lieu of your son. Either way, who wants to get involved in that?

When you say he comes home with alcohol on his breath – is he drunk? And if it is happening a few too many times, you probably need to consider whether or not your son has an alcohol problem. If he does, he needs help! Statistics show that there is an increased risk for alcoholism the younger a person starts drinking (varies by culture).

The other issues I wonder about is whether he is drinking in the presence of these friends’ parents? Or are the parents not home? I would suggest asking your son what the situation is over at his friends’ houses. Have you tried calling these parents and having a discussion with them? – perhaps they are not aware that their son and his friends are drinking and could put measures in their house that prevents it from happening. Perhaps they do know and don’t care, which is ultimately putting your son at risk! Then you need to decide if you want your child going there anymore.

Even though you say your husband doesn’t get drunk – using any substance to mask or deal with something like pain, or anxiety or not sleeping can be problematic. The issue is that usually the body builds up a tolerance – so when two glasses of wine don’t help him fall asleep anymore it becomes three, then four etc. Before you know it, you have created a problem. Just be careful with that one. As well, if your son is aware that your husband only drinks to “fall asleep” you are communicating the need for substances outside of one’s self to help one cope. Maybe your son is drinking because he is dealing with some issue like anxiety, or social incompetence, or peer pressure where he thinks he will only be liked if he goes along with his friends and drinks. If Dad is saying it’s no big deal to have a drink “now and then” — your son has just been given permission to drink — even though you don’t think it’s right, a child will usually go with the parent who is going to let him do something!

You and your husband have to come to some kind of agreement on this issue and stay on same page when dealing with your son.

Talk to your son about how he is feeling. Refrain from lecturing about drugs and alcohol – you’ve tried that and obviously it had no benefit. Let your son know that you are there for him, no matter what. You may have to start imposing restrictions on his time away from home until you can get this sorted out and build back trust.

It’s after a couple of weeks, and very abruptly she bursts into crying and tells us how much she misses him. I think now that he isn’t there in person for any occasion she has realized that she will never meet him or see him. I keep telling her to talk to him in prayer and ask him to ask over beloved father in heaven to grant our sincere favors.

I have noticed that she has started acting out and in some cases has stopped performing well in school.

Please help. Thanks in advance for all your advice.

Sincerely,

Andrea

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Andrea,

Grief is a very individualized process. Not all of us will grieve in the same way or for the same length of time. It is a particularly complex process for children, based on their age and stage of development and understanding about death. Your daughter is only 6 years old; given her cognitive abilities at this age, her reactions seem very typical. I have listed a couple of articles that provide a great deal of information on the stages of the grieving process for young children that will hopefully put into context and perspective your daughter’s experience dealing with her loss.

Grief and Children
Healing Children’s Grief

Some additional thoughts:

Younger children do not usually have adequate language skills to express emotions of grief. Young children are their feelings – what they do with their bodies (how it is manifested – crying, stomach aches, acting out) is their grief. Art and play therapy are an effective way to get children to work out feelings of loss and come to terms of acceptance. Check out resources in your area for psychologists or child and adolescent therapists that specialize in art or play therapy.

* Children’s grief support groups can also help in the healing process – many funeral homes or hospices may offers such groups for children.

* Children often appreciate being offered pictures and possessions of the deceased person as a way of supporting their grieving process. Allow them to have clothing of the person, to play with objects and to have discussions about the person.

• Take the child’s lead in how much information they are seeking and be honest (but sensitive) with your answers.

Check in with the child from time to time to see if she is requiring support or needing more information. Be open to discussion. If she feels that you do not want to talk about Grandpa then she may feel ashamed of her own grief and may suppress her feelings.
When a family member passes away it disrupts the dynamic of the entire family – she is probably sensing this difference and is feeling afraid. Make every effort to communicate to her that she is safe and that you and your husband are still there to take care of her.

When a child’s parent is crying and upset it makes a child feel uncertain about the parent’s ability to carry on in the way that the child is use to. That is not to say you should hide your grief – quite the contrary – it is healthy for her to see you express your emotions (in an appropriate way of course) so that she learns about the process of dealing with loss. You just have to make certain that at the same time you are experiencing your grief that you are reassuring her that you are there to help her.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Celebrating Independence Day this weekend on July 4th, I gazed at the brilliant display of fireworks and pondered what freedom means to us today.

Freedom is all about having the ability to make choices.

Yet, I wondered, how much freedom is truly mine, and how much have I relinquished in order to fit into a specific “role”?

So often, we find ourselves stuck in a rut of repetitive habits, without understanding that we really do have the ability to break through of our invisible chains.

How many of us were labeled as children, and then grew into the roles that were assigned to us?

Don’t we all know someone who was labeled as non-academic in his youth, who went on to graduate college with honors later in life?

Aren’t we all familiar with someone who invested so much in her musical talents that she never explored the other aspects of her multi-facetted personality?

It’s so easy, and it’s so tempting to cast our children into roles.

“He’s the messy one with a great sense of humor.”

“She’s the sensitive one who is always organized.”

“He has terrific athletic abilities, but less-than-stellar social skills.”

I recall that in comparison to my brother, I had very specific labels in my youth. (Way too embarrassing to go into more detail!)

Sometimes freedoms are not taken away with a ball and chain, but with a simple label.

Casting a child into a specific role can create a long-term self-fulfilling prophesy.

Throughout their childhood and teenage years, children do not yet have a firm grasp on reality. Rather, their reality is defined by what their parents present as being the truth.

How often do we hear about the youth who was called a “liar” and then realized that he ought to continue speaking falsely in order to live up to his newfound “role”.

People, like glimmering diamonds, have a multitude of facets.

At this present day, or even within this specific decade, one particular facet may be shining more brightly than the others; yet that does not diminish the existence and potential of many other angles that make up one’s personality.

Let’s try to hold our tongues and avoid stereotyping our children within a specific role. Hard as it may be, let’s allow our children to explore ideas and activities that we may not have thought to be a perfect match. Obviously, we are not referring to actions that are inappropriate, rather to dealings that we would not have thought suited to that particular child.

The child who is disorganized can be given a chance to be in charge of a party. (With the necessary amount of supervision!)

The athletic son ought not be held back from trying his hand in the arts one season.

And the family “brain” may decide to opt out of this year’s honors program in order to pursue other interests.

When we avoid casting children into particular roles, we develop more well-rounded and emotionally healthy children.

Let’s continue to love, encourage, and continue to bring out the endless sparkle in our children.

Like a diamond sparkling in the sunlight, the layers of their personality will develop into a unique blend of talents, personality, and ingredients nowhere else to be found.

Who Are You?

We are on the cusp of those “lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer”. For most of us, the school year has ended. We are looking ahead at weeks of summer vacation time. This might be an appropriate time to ponder some very important larger issues we and our children (students) are facing.

Before we even begin to address these issues, however, please allow me to pose four general questions which we might be well advised to ask ourselves and then pose to our children (or students).Here are my four fundamental questions:

(1) Who are you?

(2) What do you do?

(3) How well do you do it?

(4) What do you want (or need) in order to improve so that you contribute to making your life better?

Parents (or teachers) who are able to concisely and coherently answer these four questions are then in a position to help their children (or students) to work towards being able to successfully address these questions.

Almost all of our activities could be seen as efforts made to pursue the best answers to these four questions.

The question I want to bring to your attention in this article is: Of these four vital quests, what proportion of the answers do you (as a parent or teacher) assign as a parental responsibility, and what proportion do you allocate as a school responsibility?

Traditionally, the classroom teachers saw their roles “in loco parentis” – in place of a parent.

Let us examine these four quests one by one. This article will deal with an overview of the first quest.

“Who are you?” is a ubiquitous question that has infinite layers of depth. In many ways, the developmental processes of education help to continually broaden the answer to “who are you?”. This begins with the ability of children to state their names clearly when asked, “who are you?’ and advancing to the skill of writing their names and addresses. Gender identity is also expressed at this stage of school entry. The mix of other children in the classroom alerts children to the reality that the others in the class have different parents and different families.

Schooling generally goes a long way in helping to foster identification with one’s country, region, state and city and the responsibilities and privileges of citizenship. The answer to “who are you?” might now include American, Canadian, New Yorker, Texan or citizen of Hometown, USA.

Frequently the answer to “who are you?” includes an aspect of cultural and ethnic identity which might also merge or cross with a religious affiliation. “I am a Hispanic”, “I am a WASP”, “I am a Native-American”, etc. Awareness of the answer to “who are you?” as it stands in contrast to the differing answers of others can be a valuable contribution of the school to the successful socialization of the child.

At a more advanced and introspective level, “who are you?” can be interpreted as an existential quest for meaning and value in our lives. Hopefully, the high-school level of literature, history and thought development can help the student frame the question. For many people, this quest is just not part of their vocabulary. These people live their lives with a spiritually stunted growth. Life is simply richer and more meaningful when this aspect of “who are you?” is clearly addressed.

We have seen that education and schooling can go a long way in addressing the question “who are you?”.

Perhaps the single, most important factor in successfully navigating the journey to self-identity is the child’s “perspective of self”.

If the self is viewed as an expanding continuity, then children see themselves as whole beings ready to develop and grow through life. They are gifted with the ability to change and yet still keep their concept of self (“who am I?”) intact.

This most crucial component of self-development is rooted in the home. Each teacher, no matter how influential, usually is replaced by a new teacher come September. Thus, the family is the pivotal center of self-development.

The key to successfully answering the question “who are you?” at every stage of life’s journey is rooted in a strong, positive family relationship.

How comfortable are you (parent or teacher) with the question “who are you?” ?.

How much of your answer is tied up in the roles you play i.e. what you’re doing and not about your core being?

Question: My son is aged 7 years old and has a lot of fears in him. He has a fear of heights, in so much as he will not climb onto a 6 foot slide in a park. He will not even sit on a swing. He is afraid of being in a swimming pool, although he does go in the kiddies pool now as the water reaches his waist. He is scared of the dark and of insects. He will not fight back for himself if he is being bullied by another child his age or even smaller, either physically or verbally. Could someone please help and let me know how I could get rid of these fears of his. Will he outgrow them with age or do I need to take him to a psychologist?

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Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Typical childhood fears change with age. Younger children usually experience fears that are not based in reality: monster under the bed, boogie men. Children between the ages of 7-11 tend to worry more about universal issues like war, pollution and extreme weather. These types of fears can also include fear of strangers, heights, darkness, animals, blood, insects, and being left alone. Children will usually outgrow their fears, or exchange one type of fear for another as they get older and the landscape of their lives change. The strategies we teach our children to help cope with fears can benefit them for life. It prepares them for dealing with larger fears they may experience when they are older.

Some signs that a child may be overly anxious about fears may include:

• becoming clingy, impulsive, or distracted

• nervous movements, such as temporary twitches

• problems getting to sleep and/or staying asleep longer than usual

• sweaty hands

• accelerated heart rate and breathing

• nausea

• headaches

• stomachaches

To help your child deal with fears and anxieties:

• Recognize that the fear is real. As trivial as a fear may seem, it feels real to your child and it’s causing him to feel anxious and afraid. Being able to talk about fears helps — words often take some of the power out of the negative feeling. If you talk about it, it can become less powerful. Use “detective thinking” by asking him to assess the threat he is anticipating: “What do you think will happen? Is it reasonable to think that you will drown with a lifejacket on and me standing beside you?”

• Never belittle the fear as a way of forcing your child to overcome it. Saying, “Don’t be ridiculous! That slide isn’t even that high”, may get your child to go to the playground, but it won’t make the fear go away.

• Don’t feed into to fears, either. If your child doesn’t like insects, don’t not walk on the grass to avoid one. This will just reinforce that insects should be feared and avoided. Provide support and gentle care as you approach the feared object or situation with your child.

• Teach kids how to rate fear. A child who can visualize the intensity of the fear on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, may be able to “see” the fear as less intense than first imagined. Rating on a thermometer is also a good visual tool. Younger kids can think about how “full of fear” they are, with being full “up to my knees” as not so scared, “up to my stomach” as more frightened, and “up to my head” as truly petrified. After you some coping strategies have him rate the fear again so he can see how much control he has over managing it.

• Teach coping strategies. Try these easy-to-implement techniques. Exposure: using you as “home base,” the child can venture out toward the feared object, and then return to you for safety before venturing out again. Positive Self Talk: The child can also learn some positive self-statements, such as “I can do this” and “I will be OK” to say to himself when feeling anxious.

• Relaxation techniques are helpful, including visualization (of floating on a cloud or lying on a beach, for example) and deep breathing (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate).

If anxious feelings persist, they can be a real detriment to a child’s well being.The question to ask yourself is how are your son’s fears impacting his activities of daily living: social interactions, academic performance, sleep? If his fears are keeping him from participating in his life, i.e. he won’t go out for recess because he is afraid of going near the slide on the playground, or he refuses to get out of the car when you go to the beach for the day because he doesn’t want to go near the water, or if he is staying up at night worrying about what he will do if he is bullied at school, then you will need to take action and get some professional help.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is incredibly useful in helping children overcome anxieties and fears. A Registered Psychologist or Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist will work with your child to “re-wire” his negative thinking that causes him to feel overly anxious about his fears. A great book I recommend is Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky.

Question:

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a single mom raising two girls, ages 10 and 7. Being a supportive and nurturing parent is the most important thing to me, and generally, I feel like I’m a pretty good parent. But sometimes, things escalate, they talk back to me, and it reaches a point where I find myself yelling and saying things I really regret later. It’s as if I totally lost control of myself and can’t stop?

Signed, Losing It in New Jersey!

RaisingSmallSouls is proud to present today’s answer by Margo Sasson as a Mother’s Day gift for you and your family!

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer:

Dear Losing It,

There are many ways to answer the question you have posed. Although it may be helpful to analyze what is contributing to your daughter’s frustration, and hence, the escalation between the two of you, I’d like to shelve that issue for now. Rather, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to take a closer look at what is happening inside of you, the parent, that may be contributing to the escalation. By stepping into your internal world, discovering the “wiring” behind the scenes of your own behavior, you can achieve greater self-understanding and enhance your parenting beyond words.

Parenthood is one of the most intense of all human relationships. It is a journey where we can come to discover and develop some of our most positive qualities: our patience, our nurturing, and our ability to identify our children’s strengths and help them see them too. But along the way, we come to meet other, less pleasant, aspects of ourselves. We are faced with the undeniable reality, day after day, that we are appallingly shorter of perfection than we may have thought.

When you describe “losing control” and being “unable to stop”, it is a clue for us that a shift in your general manner has taken place. Your usual rational, calm, “what is the most helpful thing to do here” approach has been abruptly switched off and been usurped by its not-as-likeable, emotion-dominated counterpart. When this happens, your rational self, that part of you that has the ability to delay gratification and coherently plan the next logical step, is basically immobilized. The system that takes over is a system manned by raw, unprocessed emotion (e.g. rage, fury, fear) that is very difficult to contain due to the collapse of logic.

The last decades have seen an explosion in the amount and quality of research generated on the role of the brain in emotional regulation.. What you describe of yourself is something most parents will identify with. Many parents describe occasions where they “see red”, “lose control”, or are “consumed by fury”. They describe being so taken over by this emotional storm that they feel unable to stop themselves. Taken to its extreme, abusive parents describe this state, during which they unleash unbridled fury upon their children and feel unable to stop it. When this state has passed, they may be overcome by deep feelings of remorse and self-hatred. But even for healthy, well-regulated parents, the nature of this type of emotional state is not unfamiliar. And when a parent realizes that he has just spewed venomous criticism and character-slashing toward the child he dearly loves, he will feel deep shame and resolve never to do it again.

What causes the switch into these states, and what can we do to restore our self-control?

Neurologists have identified two primary modes of processing information: the higher mode, or “high road”, and the lower mode, or “low road”. High road processing involves the rational, “higher” form of processing information. It is the ability to objectively analyze information, while allowing us a flexibility and self-awareness throughout the process. Conversely, the low road of information processing represents a shift in gears, whereby the high road is shut down. The individual operates under raw and intense emotion, lack of awareness as to the impact of his actions on others, rigidity, and impulsivity. In purely structural forms, the high road involves the prefrontal cortex in its processing, which is the brain region responsible for rational thoughts, whereas the low road short-circuits that section of the brain and proceeds to process the information utilizing the limbic system only (home to emotional processing) and leaves out the prefrontal cortex.

Of course, the obvious question remains: What triggers the entry into the low road state? Why do we “lose it”, i.e. switch from prefrontal cortex involvement to disengagement?

Neuroscientists have examined the characteristics of the switch to low road processing, and have delineated the process. They have found that there is always a trigger, either internal or external, which serves to activate the shift from high road to low road. At this point, a transitionary process is begun whereby the brain makes its descent into low road processing. Once this happens, you are in a state of “immersion”, where the ability to self reflect and self control is partially or totally suspended. (For further understanding of the brain science involved and for a fascinating read, see “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegal, MD and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed, Penguin-Putnam, 2008)

The ramifications of this knowledge are enormous. If entry into the low road is precipitated by a trigger, perhaps we can identify our triggers and perhaps find an alternative way to respond to them?

In order to answer this, it is helpful to begin with an understanding of what typically constitutes a trigger into low road functioning.

Every parent was once a child herself. We all know that the complexities of how our parents raised us contribute, among myriad other factors, how we view ourselves. Even adults who were raised in a generally positive environment will recall themes or issues that may remain raw or unprocessed for them. These are the unresolved issues, the issues that remain potent with emotionality for us, that trigger our connection with our pain, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Some common themes that people experience as unresolved are dependence, loss, aggression, intimacy, and more.

When one of these issues is activated through interpersonal connections, we access, momentarily, those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Although these feelings can be activated by any interpersonal interaction, children, by virtue of their still-evolving social finesse, activate these feelings in their most primal, basic forms.

Children are still learning to negotiate the bigger issues of attachment and interpersonal skills- the basic building blocks of relationships. This, coupled with the fact that we are so connected to them and assume responsibility for them, contributes to our extreme emotional reactivity toward our children. They consistently serve to trigger some of our most potent unresolved issues in the most basic way.

Although this is a reality, we do not have to resign ourselves to continually reenacting these scenarios we later regret so deeply. We can actively make use of this knowledge to help ourselves.

It is now clear that the entry into the low road is activated by our child’s triggering this state. Something about his behavior, his way of engaging with us, touches upon our most vulnerable spots. Perhaps his needs of us (nurturance, dependence, support) are too much for us to handle? Perhaps he exhibits behavior (aggression, dependence) that brings up themes fraught with emotionality for us? Perhaps we become enraged or ashamed in the face of our own imperfections, impatience, or intolerance that we exhibit following our child’s demands? The result is a flooding of our consciousness with raw emotionality such as rage or fear. This feeling is so strong, such a tidal wave of emotion that we feel quickly stripped of our self control. And the result is subsequent low road behavior.

It seems clear that once on low road mode, it is exceedingly difficult to shift back to high road state. Usually, it is best to take a “time-out” and physically leave if needed, until you’ve sufficiently restored your ability to self-reflect, and wrest back your self-control. But once the mechanism of low road is clear, you can take some quiet time to reflect on the triggers that set you off. Some questions that might be enlightening:

When does my transition into low road tend to occur? (Place, time, specific child)

What are the behavioral triggers that tend to coax me into low road mode? Where do these triggers fit into the larger context of my childhood, upbringing, and self-concept?

Self-reflection is crucial in making sense of your transition into the low road. Although it may not enable you to completely avoid descending into the low road modality, it will enhance your understanding, and allow you t identify alternative coping patterns. (Go for a walk, take a drink, etc.) Ultimately, you may even find yourself able to talk your way around the low road: “I’m feeling myself getting heated up again. Uh-oh. Low road again. Why? Oh, Brian is whining again. He’s pushing the ‘nothing is ever good enough’ button. It’s my old ‘I have to please everyone’ issue. There goes my perfectionism. Ok, this is clearly my issue, not his. He is 8. I am 34. Yeah, but I’m still getting really mad. If I open my mouth, I’ll destroy him! Ok, I’d better get into the kitchen! Wash my face! Just don’t open my mouth! I’ll get through this: High road, here I come!”

Signed, What else can I do?

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Dear What Else,

I think what you are doing is great. Some kids can be very shy especially around unfamiliar people. I think rehearsing and preparing for social situations is a key way to lower your daughter’s anxiety, and help her feel more comfortable.

There are a few other ideas I would like you to consider. There are children who have a very hard time talking at school or social situations outside of the home. Some of these children stop talking altogether outside of the house. This is known as Selective Mutism. Interestingly enough, these same children can be very talkative with close friends and family. I am not suggesting that this is the case- however some of the recommended interventions may be helpful to you.

Other children are invited to the home, so the child can talk to them and spend time with them in a comfortable way. After this is done a number of times, the children usually feel more comfortable interacting with the same kids at school or other settings.

It is also helpful to have a parent or close family member with them at various social settings. (In cases of Selective Mutism the parent will accompany the child to school and talk with them there. This is repeated, and generally over a period of time the child will speak with other children and peers.) The trusted adult figure serves as a safety net in these situations.

Having her join the drama group is another great idea, as long as she wants to. I would not push her if she feels this is outside of her comfort zone. Certainly if there is a talent that she has, it can used as an expressive creative outlet.

The last idea I would like to present you with is a social skills group. Your daughter is at the perfect age to join one. She can make friends and acquire the skills and confidence to be more social in school and elsewhere.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

His friends think I am a pretty cool mom, unfortunately my son no longer sees me in that fashion. The many parents that I have spoken to say this is just a phase and he will come back. If so, how much space do I allow him? Should I let him know that this hurts me?

Sincerely,

“Feeling Left Behind”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear “Feeling Left Behind”

I appreciate you openness and honesty regarding your feelings. Not everyone is able to do that, and I find it refreshing that you are so emotionally aware.

I have to say that I understand your hurt, but I am also glad that you recognize that this is an important part of his growing process. It’s wonderful that you are able to be firm and won’t tolerate disrespect. Too often parents in your shoes will let it slide in the hopes of remaining popular and cool in their kids and their friends eyes. It’s imperative that you remain the parent, and that your son understands that.

You do not mention a spouse or other children, so I don’t know whether you have any. Now would be a good time to invest in you, in your work, career, hobbies, or relationships. Your son is growing, evolving and developing. So should you.

When you ask how much space you should give him, I think the rule is as much as he requires as long as it’s safe and healthy activities and relationships that he is involved in.

I think it’s ok and even advisable to schedule some alone time with your son. Do something that he enjoys together. It’s alright to tell him that you want to do things together. It’s not ok to make him feel badly for growing up, and hanging out with his friends rather than his mom.

There is a parallel growth process for both of you. I congratulate you on recognizing and identifying your feelings, and I hope you take advantage of this opportunity.

Dear Worried Grandma,

First of all, I want to extend my respect to you for raising your grandson since he was an infant!! From the tone of your letter it sounds like you are very committed, and care a great deal.
In response to your question could he be clinically depressed, even at 10yrs old? The answer to that question is an unequivocal yes. Let’s look at the variables here.

Your grandson’ mother has uncontrolled Bipolar. Genetically he is may be predisposed to bipolar disorder. That does not mean that he will definitely be depressed, but rather that there is an increased likelihood coupled with other stress factors.

Bipolar is a disorder where there are periods of depression, and periods of hyperactivity, or mania. This disorder used to be called Manic Depressive. It is also characterized by frequent mood swings. It is important to make an appropriate diagnosis. Even though Bipolar presents as depression at times, it is actually treated with completely different medication. Patients with Bipolar can become worse when treated with anti depressants.

He is ten years old which means that he is nearing or already engaged in an adolescent or preadolescent identity search. It is expected that he inquire after his mother, and want to understand her more. Until a child develops an independent sense of self and identity, they often view themselves as extensions of their parents. This is still true after emancipation, or establishing a separate sense of identity, that they still see themselves as being, or having a part of each parent. This is an age appropriate hurdle to cross.

The other symptoms that you describe are classic depression symptoms. You wrote that you have been “noticing significant changes lately. He has become more withdrawn, has little established friendships with peers, and is content to play video games online or with his DS. He complains almost constantly about having a stomach ache and has started to fall asleep in some of his classes at school.” Changes in eating or sleeping patterns disinterest in socializing, and physical manifestation of pain such as stomach aches are typical symptoms of depression.

Many children have depression or suffer from other disorders like Bipolar. It used to be believed that it was an adult disorder, but more and more childhood and adolescent diagnosis are made every year. I personally have treated a handful of children/ adolescence with this disorder.

It is imperative that you speak with your grandson’s pediatrician, and describe to him what you have observed. He may be able to make a referral to a child psychiatrist who can treat your grandson. I should warn you that Bipolar can sometimes present not only like depression, but also has some similarities to borderline personality disorder. These sorts of diagnosis require cancelling out the other disorders, and it is a process that requires patience.

The good news is that when these disorders are caught early (like with your grandson), the prognosis is significantly better. The earlier it is treated, the more manageable it is.

If indeed your grandson does have disorder, it is important that you understand that it can be treated. Considering what your son and family have gone through with your grandsons mother it is understandable that this may raise considerable worry or resistance. It may help to talk about these concerns with a therapist or join a support group.

I wish you al, the best! Your son and grandson are lucky to have you!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Desperate for Change”,

I am so happy to hear that you are recognizing the “disconnect” between you and your daughter now, when she is 12 and did not wait until she was in the throes of her teens and entrenched in peer relationships before wanting to do something about it. It would be so much harder to re-establish yourself as her main influence when she is only interested in her friendships with peers.

I strongly encourage you to start “courting” your daughter. Plan events where you will have a lot of one on one time with her. It will force the two of you to address your relationship and start building on it. Go out for walks or take weekly drives in the country. Take an interest in something that you can do together on a frequent basis—gardening, take a painting or pottery class. Read in bed at night together. Create an environment of proximity.

Take the time to listen to her and allow her to be known by you. She may resist at first but present it in a way that she has no choice expect for maybe choosing the activity. A fabulous book I recommend you read is Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Hold on to Your Kids! He addresses the need for parents to consistently attach to their children, regardless of their age.

With respect to your interactions always being negative try the 80/20 rule. Interactions should be positive 80% of the time. The other 20% is reserved for corrective instruction. So the next time you have the urge to say something negative, turn it into something constructive or positive.

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful ideas to incorporate principles and morals into the holiday season:

When President John F. Kennedy, in 1961, said “ask not what this country can do for you, but what you can do for this country,” he was reminding us that self-sacrifice and community service are the cornerstones of a viable democracy; that, in fact, they are values without which a democratic society cannot long endure.

Volunteerism – the general willingness to go beyond the parochial call of self-interest – as a state of action as well as of mind was integral to the spirit of the American Revolution. America’s Founding Fathers understood that freedom was not simply a privilege, but a duty – that in order to remain free, a people must be willing to contribute freely toward the common good. Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and their visionary colleagues understood that volunteerism checks the insidious growth of government, a concern that was uppermost in their minds.

That community-centered spirit has permeated the fabric of American life for more than two hundred years. Today, recognized as the essence of good citizenship, volunteerism manifests itself in the activities of Eagle Scouting, Habitat for Humanity, Junior Leagues, Rotary Clubs, and numerous other civic-minded organizations across the nation. In 1989, President Bush made the call to community service national policy as part of his Points of Light Initiative. The president’s three-part strategy included the call to claim society’s ills as our own; to identify, enlarge, and multiply community-based volunteerism initiatives that are already working; and to discover and develop leaders who can continue invigorating those grassroots efforts.

Indeed, community service means much more than simply tossing a few bucks into a bucket or checking off a payroll deduction to your company’s favorite charity. It’s relatively easy to give money. What’s required is that we be willing to give of ourselves, to make sacrifice in terms of our energy and our time. It’s also necessary that we pass this value from generation to generation by teaching our children the relationship between volunteerism, good citizenship, and the continuing maintenance of democracy.

Volunteerism Begins At Home

Turning a child into a good citizen is the crux of the socialization process, which begins during toddlerhood. Courtesy of parents who understand the importance of setting and enforcing limits on behavior and appetites, a child none-too-quickly comes to accept that he isn’t the center of the universe.

Turning the tyrant of toddlerhood into a functional member of the community requires that the family serve as a microcosm of society. In effect, the family must require of the child what the community will eventually require of him – honesty, responsibility, respect for others, a willingness to share, industriousness, and so on. These social values must also be family values, and they must be as much a part of the child’s daily life as three square meals.

Parents can begin teaching the social value of volunteerism by assigning to a child as young as three a daily routine of household chores. First, the child learns to pick up after himself, take care of his own possessions, and keep his room orderly. As the child becomes more capable, the routine expands into common areas of the home. The child learns to vacuum, mop floors, wash dishes, and eventually, do his or her own laundry and assist in the preparation of meals. In the process, the child learns that being a member of a family involves not just sharing the family’s wealth, but its work as well. Paraphrasing President Kennedy, the child learns to ask “not what the family can do for him, but what he can do for the family.” And by the way, this lesson is less effectively learned – if it is ever learned at all – when parents pay for chores. Giving a child money for accepting a fair share of family responsibilities teaches him to ask not “what can I do to help?” but “what’s in it for me”?

Show and Tell

Parents can impress upon children the importance of community service with a simple civics lesson: Pointing out that without volunteer support, there would be no community sports programs, no scouting, no 4-H or Future Homemakers, no shelters for the homeless, no Sunday School classes, no neighborhood playground, no summer programs at the local “Y”; likewise, pointing out how essential volunteers are to neighborhood organizations, public and private schools, nursing homes, churches, hospitals, the care of the handicapped and chronically-ill. Is there a volunteer fire department in your community? How about a local Red Cross chapter? A children’s museum? Indeed, the list of volunteer-dependent organizations and activities within a community is almost endless. The fact is, volunteers form the backbone of our communities, making them better places for us all to live, to work, to play. Challenge your children to recognize volunteer efforts when they see them and likewise take note when they are lacking. Volunteering, especially at a young age, encourages compassion for others.

And when voluntary effort is lacking in some aspect of your community’s life, what’s to stop you from taking the initiative yourself? Seize the teachable moment and explore ways that you and your children can fill in “volunteerism gaps” that you have identified together.

See that unsightly trash along the neighborhood creek? Rather than grouse that “somebody ought to do something about that mess,” why not be that very somebody? Organize a neighborhood team to clean it up and include the kids. As they learn the importance of taking initiative and following a task through to completion, they’ll also be practicing what I call the “Three Rs of Good Citizenship”:

Respect, Responsibility, and Resourcefulness.

In these and similar ways, parents can teach that one person can make a difference in this world. As Eugene M. Land, founder and chairman of the I Have a Dream Foundation, has written: “Magnitude or complexities must not immobilize or depreciate the ability of any person to contribute meaningfully to solutions.” In other words, when you see a problem, go the extra mile and find the solution. In effect, be the solution.

In The Pudding, Find The Proof

Consider the families who have already made a commitment to community service. Last summer, a Gallup survey of over 1,000 American households found that in more than one-third of all households, and in nearly half of all middle-income households, volunteering is a big part of family life. Among families with adults in their middle years, some 35 percent of parents volunteer alongside their children. The numbers also tell us that once the pattern is established, family volunteering tends to become a tradition. Eighty percent of the volunteers interviewed had been serving with another family member for three years or more.

And while it’s true that volunteering is a way to solve problems while helping other people, that’s only the beginning. In the same Gallup poll, when participants were asked to describe the main benefit they receive from volunteering, more than half cited personal satisfaction.

In the forward to the excellent reference book Volunteerism, The Committee on Marshaling Human Resources says the volunteer not only improves the community, but himself as well. They cite “the contact it provides with other people – the companionship, the friendship, the fellowship of working with others on a common goal.” In short, parents who help their children learn the value of serving others are contributing immeasurably to their children’s lives – present and future.

A couple of friends of mine, themselves active in numerous volunteer initiatives, make community service a “family affair” as often as possible. As one example, every Christmas the whole family takes several underprivileged children shopping for clothes and toys. As they recently told me, “The benefits to the family, and especially the children, are inestimable. They already understand that the value of life is not measured in terms of what you have, but what you give. For example, although we could certainly afford to purchase for them most of the materialistic trophies their friends have acquired, our children ask for very little.”

Several years ago, other friends began requiring that each of their three pre-teen and teenage children become involved in a sustained volunteer effort of choice (scouting, Hospital Auxiliary, Junior Civitan) for every extracurricular activity or organization (team sport, cheerleading, social club) they joined. The children’s mother: “At this point, the kids are more energized by their community service than they are their soccer and such. Perhaps the most rewarding thing to their father and I is the comments other people make concerning their maturity.”

Where To Start

Here are some suggested starting points if you’re interested in getting your children involved in community service:
• Check out the volunteer opportunities available through your local hospital, nursing homes, and community mental health center.

• Look for a Volunteer Action Center whose purpose is to steer volunteers toward opportunities that are mutually beneficial and enjoyable. These local centers refer an estimated half million new volunteers each year who provide more than 100 million hours of service annually.

• Contact your local Red Cross, your state’s Governor’s Office on Volunteering, or one of the 3,000 plus United Way offices across the country.

• Call the Nationwide Hotline on Volunteer Opportunities (toll-free, 800-424-8867 ) for information about the national service network that encompasses VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America), the National Civilian Community Corps, and the AmeriCorps initiative which President Clinton referenced in his most recent State of the Union address.

• Check into Learn and Serve America, a federal program that seeks to involve children in community service as part of their school curriculum.

• Yet another noteworthy program, Super Volunteers!, directs the energies and enthusiasm of children toward improving the quality of life in their own communities while drawing support and sponsorship from business and industry, churches and synagogues. “We work within existing youth groups such as Boy and Girl Scouts, Campfire, Special Olympics, where there’s an already-existing leadership structure,” says president Harriet L. Kipps. To find out more about Super Volunteers! call (703)354-6270 .

Matching the child to the volunteer effort insures not only that the child will stick with it, but the greatest benefit for all concerned. Older youths, for example, could let career interests guide them: Aspiring doctors might serve in a hospital environment; future military leaders can join the Civil Air Patrol; environmentalists could lend their energies to a local nature conservancy. Guiding a younger child toward compatible community service requires that parents help the child answer the following questions:

• What are my interests? What do I really enjoy?
• What’s something I’ve always wanted to do?
• Would I prefer working with large or small groups? Indoors or out?
• What are three problems in my community or elsewhere that need solutions?

With the long stretch of vacation ahead, why not resist the urge to “veg and let veg” and instead dedicate a healthy portion of your family’s summer to some public-spirited volunteer effort? Believe me, once the ball is rolling, it will be impossible to stop!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

Do your children look forward to the thrill of a new toy or gadget, only to leave it on a shelf collecting dust with hundreds of other neglected games a few days later?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful tips for curbing the toy-store addiction, just in time to reflect on our shopping mindset prior to the holidays:

Forty years ago, the average American 5-year-old child was in possession of less than 10 store bought toys; today the number exceeds 100 and that doesn’t count the ones that lie buried in the city dump. An excess of toys dampens imagination, creativity and resourcefulness and leads to chronic complaints of boredom. At some point the child becomes addicted – not to the toys themselves, but to the hollow thrill of getting a new toy. In short order the child becomes convinced that play comes from a store rather than from the alchemy of his own imaginings.

When our children were 9 and 6, Willie and I directed each of them to choose 10 toys from the riot of toys that filled their rooms and spilled over into nearly every other room of the house. A relatively small set of something – as in 10 “Matchbox” cars – counted as one toy. The remainder were either tossed or given to a local church-sponsored children’s charity. Somewhat to our surprise, the children regarded this as an adventure of sorts. We never again darkened the door of a toy store, instead guiding the kids toward hobbies and other creative pursuits.

I recently received a similar success story from a reader in Jackson, Mississippi. She writes: “Back in 1991 when my husband and I started our family, we decided then not to over-indulge our children with toys. Grandparents, however, didn’t always comply, and the sheer number of children we had (five) left our closets overflowing. We solved that problem a few years ago by dividing all the toys into four piles labeled winter, spring, summer and fall. We bagged them up, and into the attic they went. We pull the appropriate bag down the first day of each December, March, June and September. The children love it! It’s as if Christmas comes to our house four times a year. When it’s time to repack them, each child donates a toy to charity. As a result, what was once a clutter is now quite manageable.”

Whenever I talk on this subject someone will ask what to do about the above-mentioned “Grandparent Problem.” A reader from Nashville proposes requesting that the grandparents keep all toys purchased for the grandchild at their house. She correctly points out that asking grandparents not to make toy purchases, or only one on the child’s birthday and one at Christmas or Hannukah, is likely to generate hard feelings, interfering as it might with the grandparents’ need to dote. That’s a good idea, but one that’s more likely to work if the grandparents live nearby. If they don’t, then regular care packages are a means of reminding the grandchildren of their love, and that’s certainly unimpeachable. But instead of toys, I suggest books. Or the grandparents could introduce the grandchild in question to a hobby and advance the child’s interests with regular gifts of hobby supplies and equipment.

Some friends of ours, after drastically reducing their children’s toy stocks, sent their very generous relations a letter explaining what they’d done. The children, the relatives were told, had readily agreed that from that day forward for every toy they received as a gift, they would give a toy of equal value away to charity. Books, hobby-related items and creative materials were exempted. Not surprisingly, while their generosity did not wane, the relatives never gave the children another toy.

For every problem, there is a solution.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

Amber* got onto Myspace when she was 13. “It was easy,” she said with a shrug. “All you have to do is lie about your age and give them your email address.” The teen, who is now 15, said, “I guess I accepted a lot of ‘Friends’ to my list without really knowing who they were.” On Myspace, Facebook, Xanga and other social networking sites, the goal is to acquire as many “friends” as possible, a virtual popularity contest that can add up to a whole lot of unknowns. That’s how “Mike,” a man posing as a teen-ager, started messaging Amber. Eventually, he suggested they meet, but before that rendezvous could happen, it emerged that Mike was really a 28-year-old delivery man from a nearby town. Amber had the sense to stop messaging him and remove him from her Friend List, but many other teens and pre-teens haven’t been so fortunate. In Texas, a lawsuit was brought against Myspace by the parents of a fourteen-year-old who was sexually assaulted by a man she met on the social networking site. The suit was dismissed in court, but the problem of how to protect teens online remains.

Dr. Cynthia Kaplan has been the program director of Adolescent Residential Services at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts for more than 15 years. She is also the co-author of the new book, Helping Your Troubled Teen: Learn to Recognize, Understand, and Address the Destructive Behaviors of Today’s Teens. “Ten years ago, I used to see kids with profound psychiatric problems,” says Dr. Kaplan. “Now, on any given Monday, I see teenagers who’ve met someone over the Internet and run away. I get people coming into my office whose thirteen-year-old has been posing as an eighteen-year-old online, and invited someone back to her house. The parents wake up in the middle of the night to find a twenty-three-year old man walking into their daughter’s bedroom.”

The Stranger in the Room
EmpoweringParents.com asked Lucy and Josh, two teens who are on both Myspace and Facebook, how they would know if they were talking to an older person who was posing as a teen-ager. “You just know,” said Lucy. “It’s easy to tell.” “Yeah,” said Josh. “You just steer away from people who you don’t know, who aren’t on your list of friends. And you block them if they get in.” The Norton Global Online Living Report, released earlier this year, reported some alarming results: 16 percent of kids and teens have been approached by strangers online, and 42 percent have been asked to share personal information over the Internet.

Are Lucy and Josh over-confident, or do they know what they’re talking about? Anastasia Goodstein, the author of
“Totally Wired: What Your Teen is Really Doing Online” agreed with what they had to say—for the most part. “I think the whole stranger issue—it’s certainly out there, with predators as well as phishers or scammers.” Because teens don’t yet have a credit history, they are desirable targets for phishers and scammers, who break into their profiles and steal their identities, taking out credit cards and wracking up thousands of dollars worth of debt. Goodstein went on to say that identity thieves can “scrape” profiles with just a real first and last name and part of an address. On Myspace, spammers can hack in to your profile and send bulletins out as your child.

Most parents’ greatest fear when it comes to their kid’s online activities is still the issue of online predators. And the fear is real: “If girls put pictures of themselves up, predators are definitely zooming in on them. Teen-agers need to be smart,” says Goodstein. “The good news is that most teens are smart. They don’t want to talk to adults; they don’t want to talk to some creepy 50-year-old guy. Actually, what law enforcement found is that only about five percent of kids engage in that type of contact [after being approached initially].” The teens and pre-teens to watch closely include kids who are not yet 14 and who are lying to be on Myspace—kids who often tend to be more naïve about people they meet online. Teens who are acting out in other ways—engaging in risky behavior, which may include using drugs and alcohol—should also be watched more carefully.

“These are the teens that are more likely to be vulnerable to advances—or who might even initiate a meeting with an online stranger,” says Goodstein. Most of those meetings happen after there have been a series of contacts and communications made. “It goes back to which kids are going to do this—it’s the same girl that’s going to lie about getting into a college frat party and push those limits.”

What Happens on the Internet, Stays on the Internet…and That’s Part of the Problem
Although the Internet may feel safe, anonymous and impermanent, actually the opposite is true. What teens don’t often realize is that what gets posted on the Internet, stays on the Internet. The online world for a teen is “Very much about confessing, talking about personal things to an invisible audience,” says Goodstein. “Who knows who it is, but everyone is in that confessional booth with their video camera. When people talk about the generation gap, they often talk about this sense of privacy. The younger generation, because they’ve grown up this way, is much more comfortable putting it out there. They’re creating their own sort of reality show about themselves on their sites.”

Recently, a high school in Pennsylvania experienced this firsthand when two teens took photos of themselves during a sexual act and sent the pictures via cell phone to their friends. The image went viral, and now there’s a whole page on Facebook, a “shrine” devoted to them. Since college recruiters and employers are routinely searching for profiles now before they say “yes” to applicants, a lapse in judgment can haunt teens for a long time to come. “Teens don’t often think about the cons of what they post, so you see them making mistakes publicly and permanently,” says Goodstein. “I don’t think that teens realize the permanence of what they publish—it’s pretty impossible to take back.”

While social networking sites are not inherently bad—after all, they provide a place for teens to meet, keep in touch, and hang out, a sort of virtual mall or pizza joint—parents need to be aware of how they work. If not, says Dr. Kaplan, “The end result is that as a parent, I don’t know what my kid knows. We are already so far behind them it’s frightening. Most of us don’t know what Myspace is, so how can we control what our kids are doing on it? The best message is to talk to them proactively, before they join these sites.”

Tips for Parents:

* Begin conversations about Internet safety as soon as you allow your kids on the Internet. You can use block filtering and monitoring for kids age 6-9 to prevent them from going on to a porn site, for example. But once kids are 12, 13, or 14, they know how to get around “Net Nanny” type programs and turn them off, and how to change browser history, so you need to have those conversations—the sooner, the better.

* Keep the computer in a central space in your house. (When your kids are working on something interesting, be sure to comment on that too.) “You need to understand the technology your child is using, and you need to set up ground rules,” says Dr. Kaplan. Night time is often where the planning of dangerous liaisons happens, when teens are online. “We probably see a kid a month here at McLean who has run away with someone they met online. The important thing is that none of this stuff—computers, cells, iphones—should be in their bedroom.” If you have a child who engages in risky behavior, insist on getting their passwords and “spot checking” their profiles. As a parent, you need to factor in your child’s personality and then decide how closely you will monitor their online activities.

* One way to have a conversation about social networking sites: You can ask your teen to help you set up your profile. “They’ll roll their eyes and act like they can’t believe how dumb you are, but they’ll be secretly pleased that you know they’re good at it,” says Goodstein. Click on privacy settings together and make sure your kids know how to set their default settings from public to private. “If you go on Myspace and find that you or your teen have set your profile to ‘public,’ that’s a great teachable moment. Then you can have the conversation: that the college recruiter can find it, future employers can look at it, anyone can see your profile.” Be sure to talk about what’s appropriate to post, and what’s not.

* People should never, under any circumstances, post personal information like social security numbers, telephone numbers or their address on a profile. This makes them easy targets for phishers, scammers and identity thieves.

* Don’t ever share passwords with anyone: not best friends, boyfriends or girlfriends. There have been cases where the relationship has gone sour and people have gotten revenge through a Myspace or Facebook profile, by posing as the person with whom they have a grudge.

* Let your kids know that the computer keeps a record of online exchanges and where they originate from on the hard drive—even though it looks as if the message “disappears.” Tell your child that they should use the same language online that they would in face-to-face communication. They should never say anything rash or threatening because the emails and instant messages can be downloaded and the child can get into real trouble.

* Teens need to know that they can’t assume everyone online is who they say they are. They should always report any inappropriate material or conversations immediately to their parents and to the social networking site.

Navigating Myspace.com: A How-to Guide for Parents

Myspace bills itself as “the place for friends.” While most of the activity that takes place on the website is harmless, many teens are using it as a place to fill a void, feel popular, and hook-up with other users, called “friends.” Myspace.com’s privacy policy states: “MySpace members can view each others’ profiles, communicate with old friends and meet new friends on the service, share photos, post journals and comments, and describe their interests…users’ full names are never directly revealed to other members.” To better understand how the website and others like it work, take a virtual tour and familiarize yourself with its features as soon as possible. Here are the simple steps for getting onto Myspace, creating a profile, and searching for “friends’” profiles:

1. Go to www.myspace.com

2. Click on “Sign Up” in the top right corner of the screen.

3. Fill out the online form. You will need to provide an email address, first and last name, password, country, and postal code.

4. To look for other profiles on the site, simply click on “Search” and type in a name. There are other ways to find people, as well. According to the website, MySpace allows users to search for other members using first and last names, email addresses, schools attended or companies where users may have worked. You can also search through the “Find a Friend” tool, which allows you to search via “display name,” which is the user’s screen name or “handle.”

If you find your child’s profile online, you need to talk with them immediately about the possible consequences of posting their personal information and photos online. Says Dr. Kaplan, “The whole idea here is to let the child know that the Internet is ‘public domain’ and that they do not have the privacy or anonymity they think they do.”

*Names of teens in this article have been changed.

Elisabeth Wilkins is the editor of EmpoweringParents.com and the mother of a five-year-old son. Her work has appeared in national and international publications, including Mothering, Motherhood, and The Japan Times. Elisabeth holds a Masters in Fine Arts in Creative Writing from the University of Southern Maine.

For the parents of a child with ADHD, everyday tasks turn into battles—from getting the child out the door in the morning to getting him to bed at night. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, so I remember what it was like to have a daily tug of war with an attention disordered child all too well. Parents look for help everywhere. They may read one book after another and hear a parade of behavioral experts speak who give them parenting tips that don’t seem to work. The more books they read and experts they seek out, the worse their child’s behavior seems to get.

In my practice and in my work with my own son, I discovered a number of techniques and strategies that can help parents improve the behavior of a child with ADHD.

ADHD Secret #1: Parenting Techniques Must Be Adapted to Kids with ADHD
What works for adolescents with ADHD may not work for a seven-year-old with this diagnosis. Likewise, if a behavior modification technique works for 95% of children, that doesn’t mean it will be effective for the 5% of kids with ADHD.

The time out is a classic example of a behavior modification tool that is often misused with children who have ADHD. Timeouts are often recommended to help children with ADHD learn to control impulsive behavior such as talking back, hitting or hyperactivity. However, standard application of this popular intervention may not work in the presence of ADHD.

Parents are usually told to apply 1 minute of timeout for each year of age, thus 6 minutes for a six year old. For a child this young with ADHD, this may be too much time. Psychologists suggest applying the 30% rule to kids with ADHD and learning disabilities, which means that social-emotional development for these kids may be 30% less than their peers. Thus, a 6 year old should be considered to react more like a 4 year old. Therefore, 4 minutes would be more appropriate.

ADHD Secret #2: Use Reward, not Punishment
One of the most important things to realize about children with ADHD is that they respond much better to reward than to punishment. So here’s how to adapt the time out to a child with this diagnosis so that the tool is more effective. If your 6 year old won’t sit quietly in timeout, tell him the timeout is 8 minutes (double the time based on the 30% Rule). But he can reduce it to 4 minutes by sitting quietly. Then watch how hard he tries to earn the “reward.” By moving away from punishment and giving the child a reward, albeit a simple one, you are speaking the language that an ADHD child understands.

Helpful tip: Don’t nag! Help your child to correct errors and mistakes by showing or demonstrating what he should do rather than focusing on what he did wrong.

ADHD Secret #3: Leverage the Child’s Desire for Positive Attention
Children with ADHD usually crave positive attention while being more likely to have a severe over-reaction to negative attention or punishment. Using what is called “selective attention” can be very helpful in increasing appropriate behavior while decreasing inappropriate behavior. Begin to pay attention to appropriate behavior through praise while ignoring inappropriate behavior. For example, your child is wiggling around and making silly noises while you are helping him with homework. Ignore the behavior and say, “Let’s see how fast we can get this work done.” When he settles down you can say, “Wow!, you are really working hard and look, we’re almost done now.” This may be difficult at first because it’s usually the opposite of how parents tend to respond to behavior. It’s our instinct to jump on irritating behaviors and try to correct them, simply to make them go away. But without knowing it, we are rewarding the inappropriate behavior because, with these children, any kind of attention is better than no attention at all. Even worse, when we ignore appropriate behavior, we don’t reinforce it. So the child with ADHD doesn’t learn that appropriate behavior often leads to positive attention. When you use selective attention, rewarded behavior will increase while ignored behavior will decrease. It’s a parental 180-degree turnaround that can work wonders with a young child who has attention and hyperactivity problems.

Helpful Tip: Innappropriate or irritating behavior should be ignored 100% of the time while appropriate behavior should be praised 70% to 80% of the time at first, and then to less than half the time as things improve. The goal is for the child to gradually be able to control their behavior on their own.

ADHD Secret #4: Teamwork Works with ADHD
You + Your Child = The Team
Most programs for kids with ADHD focus on training parents, which is very important, but these programs do not speak directly to the child. Instead, I recommend that parents and kids work together as a team. For instance, in the Total Focus Program, the parents and the child are shown ways of working together on relaxation exercises that improve concentration and reduce frustration. The exercises are fun, and a chart is kept to track progress. They end up having a good time, improving their relationship and learning new skills together.

Many of the programs for kids that are on the market focus on improving only one skill. But they offer no magic cure. In my practice, I’ve had success using a broad spectrum of approaches (cognitive rehabilitation, behavior modification and relaxation therapy) that are integrated together with a newfound “I Can” attitude to produce results that lead to major improvements in behavior and learning achievement. When I work with kids and parents, I teach problem solving skills and social skills to improve motivation and self-esteem. By doing this, the child learns to put in the work to achieve the major skills he needs to master: improved attention, concentration, and functions including memory and self-control. As a result, the whole family benefits.

ADHD Secret #5—Young Children with ADHD Respond Well to Touch
Most kids with ADHD need lots of physical contact. Love them by touching them, hugging them, tickling them, wrestling with them.

ADHD Secret #6–Focus on the child’s strengths daily—and more than you would with a child who does not have ADHD
Look for and encourage their strengths, interests, and abilities. Help them to use these as compensations for any limitations or disabilities. Reward your child with praise, good words, smiles, and a pat on the back as often as you can.

ADHD Secret #7—Practice Motor Skill Improvement to Reduce Frustration
Make a game of practicing motor activities that will stimulate them in their development. For example, skipping to music, playing catch or tossing a bean bag at a stack of blocks improves coordination and the ability to follow directions without frustration, giving the child more self-confidence as well.

ADHD Secret #8—Consistency Pays
Being consistent is good advice for any parent. For parents of young children with ADHD, it is vitally important. Exhausted parents crave a “quick fix” to impulsive, unmanageable behavior. So they tend not to stay with one strategy long enough to see it work. When you use the techniques suggested here, remember that consistency is important to achieving success with a young, attention disordered child.

ADHD is a “brain difference.” You child’s brain works differently than 95% of his peers. So “one size fits all” parenting techniques won’t necessarily fit your child. Your parenting strategies may need to be administered in smaller doses with more emphasis on rewards and on your child’s strengths. I teach parents how to understand the unique traits and behaviors of their child and how to adapt “tried and true” approaches so they will work for their child. I also help parents to develop a positive approach that helps them to be able to develop patience and insight that will result in happier days for parent and child.

Dr Robert Myers is a child psychologist with over 25 years of experience working with children and adolescents with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and learning disabilities and is the creator of the Total Focus Program www.trytotalfocus.com. Dr Myers is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at UC Irvine School of Medicine. “Dr Bob” has provided practical information for parents as a radio talk show host and as editor of Child Development Institute’s website, 4parenting.com which reaches 3 million parents each year. Dr. Myers earned his Ph.D. from the University of Southern California.

A consequence is something that follows naturally from a person’s action, inaction or poor decision. It differs from a punishment in that a punishment is retribution. Punishment is “getting back” at someone, to hurt them back for a hurt they did. When you get a speeding ticket, it’s not a retribution for something you did wrong. It’s a consequence of your poor choices and decisions.

When you’re giving a child a consequence, it’s important to make it flow naturally from the child’s choice or action. For example, if your son sleeps late and doesn’t get up for school, the natural consequence is to go to bed earlier that night to get more sleep. The natural consequence isn’t to take his phone for a week. Tell him he has to go to bed early for the next three nights, and then if he can show you he can get up for school, you’ll go back to the later bedtime.

It’s also important to make the consequence task-oriented, not time-oriented. A time-oriented consequence is when you tell your child he’s grounded for a week or can’t use his cell phone for two weeks. It’s ineffective because all it does is teach kids how to “do time.” It does not teach them how to change their behavior.

A task-oriented consequence is related to the offense and defines a learning objective. If your child stayed out past curfew last week, this weekend, she has to come in an hour earlier to show you that she can do it. When she shows you she can do it, you can go back to her normal curfew time. Making her stay in for three weekends won’t teach her to observe curfew. It just puts you and your family through the grief and the child learns nothing.

The best consequences are those from which the child learns something. If your son is disrespectful to his sister, a good consequence is to tell him he can’t use the phone until he writes her a letter of apology. In the letter, he has to tell her what he’ll do differently the next time he’s in conflict with her. Writing the letter of apology is a learning experience for him that wins him back his phone. That way, he’s not just “doing time.” He’s completing an act that teaches him something.

I think parents have to be very clear about consequences, especially the older kids get. By “older,” I mean the difference between six and eight and then eight and ten. I’m not talking about the difference between eight and eighteen. The older kids get, the more thought they have to put into the consequence. So if a kid’s grade drops because he’s not doing his homework, yes you take his TV. But you take it until the teacher tells you that he’s been doing his homework for two weeks. Or until the teacher tells you he’s brought his grades back up to a B.

What do you do when consequences don’t work?

We hear from many parents who say, “I’ve tried everything, and consequences just don’t work with my kid.” What can a parent in this situation do? First of all, we need to talk about the kids for whom consequences do work. These are kids who are used to structure and are used to limits being set on them. Having structure and setting limits with kids teaches them that there are rewards and consequences in life. If you’re having trouble making consequences work with your kids, here’s an important point. If you want consequences to work, you also have to have rewards. If you have no rewards, then it’s very hard to come up with a consequence without being punitive.

In The Total Transformation Program, I encourage parents to sit down and think up a list of consequences and a list of rewards for their child. The list should include things they can afford, things that don’t cost a lot of money and things that they can achieve in the time they have in their day as parents. For example, as a reward, can you take your kid down to the park for a half an hour and shoot some baskets. Half an hour is all you need. It doesn’t have to take two hours. You also want to make sure the rewards and consequences on the list are realistic to that child’s developmental level.

I also recommend that parents order the rewards and consequences from mildest to heaviest so that you have small rewards for small achievements, big rewards for big achievements. The same goes for consequences. Smaller consequences that flow out of minor infractions. More serious consequences for more serious offenses. By the way, taking the phone is a major consequence, and I would use that cautiously. It’s usually a major consequence because it is usually a very important item to a kid. The more important an item is to a kid, the more he’ll learn when it’s taken as part of a consequence. But remember that when you’re giving consequences, you don’t want to use all your big guns at once.

Having this menu of rewards and consequences gives you a roadmap for how to deal with the hills, valleys and forks in the road you encounter each day with your child. It also keeps you from taking shortcuts, which we all do in parenting. Parents are tired, they work hard, they have high levels of anxiety over their finances and their professional careers, and they have lots of demands beyond caring for the children. This is true in almost every family. So parents often start taking shortcuts that are ineffective, such as taking the cell phone for every offense or grounding a kid for a week. If you have a menu of rewards and consequences, you can give an appropriate consequence for the offense—one that allows the child to learn. Not a knee-jerk, punitive consequence.

The most important question you need to ask yourself when you’re giving a child a consequence is this: What do I want to accomplish here? Do I want to show him who’s boss or do I want to get him to do his homework? If you want to show him who’s boss, then you’re going to be extra punitive in your consequence and fire all your guns at once. If you want him to get his homework done, then you start with consequences that can lead up to getting homework done. Like no TV until your homework’s done. It’s as simple as pie.

When do you use the “big gun” consequences? When you’re dealing with issues involving values and respect of others. When you’re faced with abuse issues such as physical or verbal abuse of a family member or teacher. Or when you’re dealing with serious issues such as stealing.

Consequences don’t happen in a vacuum. They have to fit in with an overall style of parenting that is designed to produce children who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. So, if a consequence isn’t working, and a parent says, “I took his phone for two weeks and it’s not working,” that parent needs to look at a couple of things. First of all, maybe two weeks is too long. Maybe what you have to tell your child is this: “I’m taking your phone until you don’t do X for twenty four hours.” Or, “If you talk abusively to your sister, I’m taking your phone until you don’t talk to her abusively for forty eight hours straight. And every time you’re abusive with her, it starts over.” Go back again to the most important question: “What do I want to accomplish?” If you want to hurt him for hurting his sister, take his phone for two weeks. But if you do this, don’t expect any compliance out of him. If what you want to accomplish is having your son learn not to be abusive and work on his self-control, then set up a task as part of the consequence.

Another thing to think about is whether you’re being firm or rigid. There’s nothing wrong with being firm. But if you’re being senselessly rigid, your kids are going to develop defiance to respond to that. That’s the problem with using all the big gun consequences at once.

Sometimes consequences don’t work because they are part of a much broader problem, and the child is in a power struggle with the parents. Withholding compliance is a part of that power struggle. One of the primary ways that kids try to win that power struggle with their parents is by withholding compliance. Once that pattern establishes itself, the only power the parent has is to punish, and the only power the kid has is to withhold compliance. Consequences will not work in that atmosphere. When this occurs, parents need the more comprehensive solution that The Total Transformation and the Parental Support Line provide. The program and the support will help you with the broader problem-solving skills that enable kids to take responsibility for compliance without being reactionary.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit The Total Transformation Progam.

Governor Palin is a mother of five children. Trig, the four-month-old baby has been diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. At seventeen years of age, Bristol, her eldest daughter, is expecting a baby this winter.

Despite meticulous planning and enormous efforts, life does not always materialize in the way which we had imagined it would. Undoubtedly, several years ago, Sarah Palin would not have predicted that her family would find itself in its current situation.

I find myself wondering, what would I do if my teenage daughter told me that she was pregnant? How would I react if my teenage son informed me that he was going to become a father? What is the appropriate reaction to the myriad of events that may occur, those that are not in line with our plans for the future?

The bigger question that begs to be asked is: If it can be so challenging for me to deal with life’s various hurtles, it must be even harder for children to deal with disappointments. If parents sometimes get angry or resort to blaming others for the unfairness of life, how can we expect our children to accept all that comes their way with equanimity?

Let us make the assumption that children are not born instinctively understanding and accepting the fact that life is not fair.

“It’s not fair!” is the mantra of all children; and the truth is that life is absolutely unfair- some of us have more blessings than others. What can we parents do to help our children deal with inevitable disappointments that crop up from time to time?

I just got home from a wilderness program for teenage boys. Most of them were sixteen years old and addicted to illegal drugs. Every teenager faces some complications; why is it that some teens are unable to cope with their problems; why do they feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of drug or alcohol addiction?

The answer is that that particular child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not completely at fault; and the culture around him can be blamed.

The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?

Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage one from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.

In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.

Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.

Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.

Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will arise.

It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-woth that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.

The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.

Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.

Drug and alcohol usage and overly disrespectful behavior are a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the child’s behavior when dealing with a teenager in distress.

The child who is addicted to harmful substances, or acting out in inappropriate manners, has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Leading an optimistic, cheerful family is no contradiction to teaching your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.

When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.

The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.

So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.

It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.

When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.

EDIT: As I read some of the comments, I realize that my thought process regarding the linkage of Sarah Palin and dealing with the unfairness of life was not entirely clear.

So, here goes: As I watched the media focus on all of Governor Palin’s personal issues, I wondered where, exactly, one can find a family of seven without any problems??? Then I continued to wonder- does the media think that Sarah Palin made a decisive, conscious choice to have her seventeen-year-old daughter become pregnant? We all know that as much as we’d like to, we cannot control everything that teenagers do these days. Imagine if Governor Palin’s response to Trig’s birth and Bristol’s pregnancy was- ‘Oh, no, my career is over, my life is going to be so difficult from now one, I am a victim of circumstances, this is all so unfair!’ Sarah’s response to the media, (which I can’t locate right now) about giving her daughter love and support throughout the difficulties involved in having a child were my inspiration to write this article. It is refreshing to see someone who can deal with things not going precisely as planned, and still stay strong. I hope that helps:)

It is understandable that you feel frustrated. Aside from being interrupted, the reason for the interruption is irritating- why can’t she find something to do with her free time on her own?

Taking a step back from the situation at hand, you may wonder, is it your job as a parent to keep your child entertained 24/7?

If so, what can you do when your son is done playing with the hundreds of dollars of toys that clutter up the entire house? And if not, how should you respond to those desperate cries of boredom?

Boredom is a problem faced by your child. The question that must be addressed is: Who is responsible for solving a child’s problems?

Obviously if a child is too young to complete a specific task, it is your job as a parent to do it for him. For example, if your child cannot pour himself a drink, it is your responsibility to pour the water for him.

However, what about the numerous cases where your child truly is capable of solving a problem, yet she chooses not to? Is it your responsibility to step in and address the situation for her?

There are several options from which you can choose:

1) You may decide to solve the problem for your child. Generally, this is the quickest and most efficient way of addressing the problem. For example, you may help your school-age child get into pajamas in order to expedite the bedtime process even though your son has been perfectly capable of getting dressed on his own for quite some time.

This method will usually stop the child’s whining the fastest; however by doing so on a regular basis, you may hinder your child’s emotional maturity by fostering his dependency upon your help.

2) You could decide not to offer your child any help at all. “Honey, you know how to that type of worksheet, and I’m not going to get up to help you out.”

By explaining to your child that the problem is his responsibility you will foster independence, yet your child may feel emotionally deprived. Perhaps he will accuse you of not caring about him via the all-too-familiar manipulative, “You don’t love me!”

3) You can decide to help your child without taking the responsibility away from your child. Your goal is to offer enough guidance so that your child can complete the task on his own. Through your verbal or physical assistance your child will have the opportunity to solve the problem and gain valuable problem-solving skills that will serve him for years to come.

For example, suppose your daughter pleads, “I can’t get my bike out of the shed- Nate’s bike is in front of mine.” Assuming that you are aware that she is perfectly capable of maneuvering the larger bike out of the way, you may choose to respond, “It can be frustrating when a bigger bike is blocking yours. How about wheeling Nate’s bike all the way out of the shed so that there is lots of room to take out your bike?” In this manner you supply guidance and demonstrate concern without taking control of the situation.

Back to boredom!

When your son runs towards you stating, “I’m bored!” he is actually letting you know, “I have this problem called boredom and I don’t know what to do. I want you to solve this problem for me.”

What are some ways that you as the parent can offer guidance yet avoid taking responsibility for his boredom?

Son: I’m sooooo bored.
Parent: Oh, you don’t know what to do? That can feel really awful.
Son: Yes, I hate being bored!
Parent: It seems that you want me to help you out, but I’m not sure what you want me to do for you.
Son: Well, I like to play soccer, but it’s raining outside and you don’t let me play ball in the living room anymore.

Note: Be aware of manipulative behavior, where your child requests that you suspend a household rule or asks for treats that are reserved for special occasions.

Parent: That’s right, since we got the glass china closet there is no more ball playing in the living room.
Son: The living room has lots of room for soccer. The playroom is full of toys- it’s so crowded in there.
Parent: So, you’d really like to play soccer but the playroom is too messy?
Son: Yeah, if there weren’t so many toys in the playroom I could have a great game. You know what? I think I’m going to clean up all the toys really fast and then I’ll play a great game of soccer in the playroom!

Here’s an alternate manner in which your conversation may play out:

Daughter: I’m bored.
Parent: Oh, that’s terrible. You don’t know what to do.
Daughter: Yeah, I was going ride my bike but it’s raining, and then Lori was going to come over but then she had to cancel.
Parent: That’s really disappointing- when your plans don’t work out.
Daughter: Now I’m so bored!
Parent: Hmm, let’s think about what you like to do.
Daughter: I like playing with my friends but I called a bunch and nobody seems to be home today.
Parent: Oh, so your friends are not available now. What are some things that you like doing on your own?
Daughter: All the things I like doing are outdoors and it’s pouring. It’s not fair!
Parent: What did you do in camp when it was raining?
Daughter: We did arts-and-crafts activities. Hey, may I take a bunch of white papers out of the printer to make a ‘Welcome Home’ sign for Grandma?

These techniques will require practice and you may find yourself rushing into your former job of the ‘problem solver’. In the long run, however, teaching your child to take responsibility will teach him self reliance, boost his self confidence, and aid him in thinking of ways to entertain himself so that you can get back to the computer and finish reading that interesting article. (It was one of mine, wasn’t it?)

Happy reading:)

Obviously, you’d be absolutely correct to take note of the inconsistency.

And that is what brings us to today’s topic: There are very few absolutes in the realm of childrearing.

Children are capable of great things- does that make their souls any smaller in size than those of adults???

Who is to say that there is no extenuating circumstance where it is appropriate to do something that is generally viewed as deplorable?

Based on specific personalities and relationships, can it be that one particular method of dealing with children is always the best?

For example, corporal punishment is generally viewed as an unsavory method of disciplining children- but who would not give a child a quick slap if it would stop him from running into a street bustling with traffic? (Of course gentler methods are recommended, yet in the heat of a potentially dangerous moment, we may react severely.)

Last week’s post regarding “mood numbers” evoked a number of thought-provoking reactions, and it’s difficult to say any of them are off-target.

The very same parent-child confrontation can have two different “right” ways of being handled- depending on the situation at hand.

The exact same scenario should be dealt with differently in the Smith home up the block versus the Jones household down the street- because of various external factors.

Here’s the main point for today:

Just because you read or hear of a terrific piece of advice, does not mean that it ought to be implemented without thought!

No article, book, website, (not even this one!) or session with a therapist, can adequately cover all of nuances in your personal life.

Keep on reading, listening, and learning, for all that knowledge will help you to make educated decisions. We are not robots, and children are not born with directions. It is a combination of love, knowledge, paternal instinct, and conscious contemplation that allow us to be manifest our true potential as excellent parents for the next generation.