Snappy Siblings

Question:

I just read what Dyan wrote on this site, via the email- loved it – and I have a question and need help!

What should we do with our eleven-year-old son who is continuously being “snappy” and short tempered (yelling, being crabby) with his eight-year-old sister?  He complains that she is annoying; and while that might be the case in some instances, certainly not all – this has gone on for over a year (during which, Dad was serving in Iraq).  Dad is back now, and neither of us know what to do.

Our family went away for an overnight, and the 2 kids actually had FUN having a pillow fight in the hotel room!  This made me want to cry, as that is about the only time they weren’t squabbling in such a long time.

Judy, WI

The question is:  How to get my son to “love” (or at least, be nice to) his sister?

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

It’s inevitable that kids will fight. If we can try and think of every squabble as a great opportunity for teaching our children about negotiation and problem-solving skills (tactics they will need as adults) then we might have a better appreciation for helping them to deal with conflict. I know better said than done! Sometimes the fighting is just too much and when they are not being “nice” to one another, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved ourselves.

I offer some strategies you might want to employ to help with your children’s sibling disputes:

• Try and discern what is at the root of the problem: Is your son jealous of his younger sister? (Is she more athletic; does she get more “physical” attention because of an illness or a learning disorder; is she smarter; does she have more friends.) There could be any number of reasons why he might be envious of her. The key is to find out if he is and provide him opportunities where his strengths and differences shine and are not overshadowed by her talents. For instance, if he is a whiz at chess – find a chess club in your area. Try and involve them in individual activities that highlight their differences and varying interests and not boast about one more than the other (we don’t do this on purpose, but sometimes just talking about what so and so did that was so great and not mention the sibling, is interpreted by the sibling that he is less than/not as loved as much/that his parents favor his sister etc; etc.)

• He’s three years older, and that should come with some privileges: such as having a later bedtime, taking on more responsibilities (yes that is a privilege!), perhaps attending functions or groups where there is a minimum age requirement (11-13 year olds), watching movies or reading books that are ok for his age but not appropriate for hers; so that he feels a sense of some entitlement — not to lord over his sister, but to help him feel that he doesn’t always have to “be” and “play” with an eight year old. He’s coming into pre-adolescence and his hormones and thought processes are changing at a rapid rate (which also includes moodiness and intolerance). So when he has some time “away” that he can act and be 11 he may start to appreciate the time he does spend with his sister because he has had a reprieve somewhere in the middle of living with her.

• When you say she is annoying – how is she annoying? Is she going into his room uninvited? Taking his stuff? He should be allowed to have some possessions that he doesn’t have to share. As adults, we don’t always share with our neighbors or our own children either. So tell him to tag some items that are strictly his and she needs to learn to respect that they do not belong to her. And likewise of course. He shouldn’t be taking her stuff or going into her room without her permission either.

• Because of the age difference, especially with him at 11 and her 8 (it will level off again when their developmental needs are more aligned) try engaging them in activities together that will appeal to both ages.  It’s hard during this spread to find activities that interest them both and they can get along doing. You will probably find your son fluctuates between being a “teenager” who is only into music and skateboards and friends and then on the turn of a dime he is being carefree and having a pillow fight. Cards is usually one that holds an interest for all ages – teach them euchre, or cribbage that you can play as a family. Fuse ball or cranium; anything that will be fun for “all” ages and you and your husband do it with them. When you do things that appeal to both, the age and developmental gap will be less prominent during their interactions.

• Try and foster independence in your children and get them to work it out as much as possible where you don’t have to be involved. Teach them to negotiate and problem solve. For example: “The two of you need to work out a schedule for the TV and if you are not able to do that, I will have to intervene and you may not like what I come up with.” They may surprise you and come up with something brilliant and amicable. This also teaches them that they can’t rely on other people to always fix their problems or intervene on their behalf when they are confronted by conflict.

• Have consequences you can follow through on for when they are name calling or physically lashing out at one another. I like to use restitution. Whenever one of my boys emotionally or physically hurts another, I have them make amends by giving their brother a “good deed”. Sometimes they write letters of apology, or clean their brother’s room, or take on their brother’s chores for a day, or give their brother some worthy possession (that usually happens when there’s a need for a big apology). I don’t believe in just having them say “sorry”. They often just end up being words. But when they have to make amends and be thoughtful about it, that’s when you really see and hear the apology.

• Teach your children to verbalize how teasing and snappiness from one another makes them feel. Get your daughter to tell him how it hurts her feelings so he can understand and appreciate the impact of his actions (it is the development of empathy). Tell your son to describe how her being annoying bothers him. When we give our children a “feelings vocabulary” they are more able to factor in all sides of an argument by listening to how other people feel. Feeling words have dramatic meaning and help to trigger emotions where empathy resides.

• Don’t always assume it is your son being nasty for no reason. He just may be more vocal and loud in his response to your daughter instigating. Another words, he gets caught and she doesn’t. This may not be the case but bear with me… If you didn’t see the precipitating event, I wouldn’t rely on what either of them says about it. And not because I am suggesting they would lie, but the truth is in the eye of the beholder. People tell “their” truth based on their perception of what happened. And usually everyone has a different perception. Try and get them to voice their feelings about an incident as opposed to finding out what happened. You will never get the whole truth so be solution focused instead of re-hashing the problem. Re-hashing the problem doesn’t fix it – finding a solution to the problem will.

• Concentrate on when the kids are getting along and make sure you let them know how much you enjoy watching that. For instance “I really appreciated how well the two of you got along on that trip; it was an enjoyable family outing!” Be realistic though, you can’t expect them to get along all of the time and insisting that they do is too high a bar for them to reach.

• This started when dad was serving in Iraq – your son may have become a little “parentified” thinking he was the man of the house. He may have felt it was necessary to “keep his sister in line” so to speak; and being immature, he wouldn’t know the first thing about how to “raise” an eight year old except to boss her around.  He may have some unresolved fear issues about his dad being in Iraq and it manifested in his hostility toward his sister. He may still feel angry for dad leaving him for a period of time. You might want to explore these issues more. It sounds like he is only behaving this way to his sister and no one else. How is he toward you? Dad? Have there been problems with peers (fighting, bullying) or at school with teachers? If the anger is happening elsewhere you may want to explore some ways that he can work that out (perhaps counseling for him and dad).

A Parenting Nightmare

Question:

How can you and your child get past you walking in on her (7 years old) watching an Adult movie for about 1 hour & 23 minutes  to be exact.  My husband was watching her and fell asleep, so she chose her own movie.

Sincerely,

Eva in San Fransico, CA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

This is a very sensitive issue and very difficult to answer without having a discussion to sort out the details. My answer is brief but will hopefully lead you in the best direction for how to deal with this unfortunate circumstance:

• I am in no place to make judgments on the kind of videos you have in your home. However, I will say, first and foremost, you and your husband need to find a discreet place where you can keep Adult movies where they are not accessible to your seven year old child.

• Your daughter will need help processing her feelings toward what she saw in the video. I strongly suggest you speak with a professional one on one and get some guidance about how to proceed.

• These types of visual images are too difficult for a child of 7 to comprehend. They were probably quite disturbing to her and with it being her first exposure to visual sexual content, her understanding for what ”healthy sexual behaviors” are, is at risk of being skewed. You may start noticing some inappropriate sexual acting out from your daughter as she tries to process what she has witnessed. It may also be advisable that she too has some counseling to make sense of what she saw and put it in a context that will not affect her self-esteem or her attitude toward sex in the future.

Teen Drinking

Question: My 13-year-old son has come home from friend’s houses with alcohol on his breath a few too many times. My husband says that a drink here and there is nothing to worry about. My husband is not an alcoholic; he hardly ever gets drunk although he has a glass or two of wine to help him fall asleep every evening. We’ve talked to our son about drugs and alcohol, and we live in a good school district, but his friends seem to have lots of access to adult beverages. I’m so worried about my son, I haven’t been sleeping well. Please advise!

Sincerely,

Anne – Philadelphia, PA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a pediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Anne,

In North America we have age of majority. In Canada, most provinces are 19, some are 18 and in the U.S it is 21. Drinking under age is against the law. Regardless of what your personal views are on minor’s drinking, if a 13-year-old were to be caught by police, it is a chargeable offense. The parents of your son’s friends are liable in these situations too. Because your son is so young, the parents’ of these friends would probably be charged in lieu of your son. Either way, who wants to get involved in that?

When you say he comes home with alcohol on his breath – is he drunk? And if it is happening a few too many times, you probably need to consider whether or not your son has an alcohol problem. If he does, he needs help! Statistics show that there is an increased risk for alcoholism the younger a person starts drinking (varies by culture).

The other issues I wonder about is whether he is drinking in the presence of these friends’ parents? Or are the parents not home? I would suggest asking your son what the situation is over at his friends’ houses. Have you tried calling these parents and having a discussion with them? – perhaps they are not aware that their son and his friends are drinking and could put measures in their house that prevents it from happening. Perhaps they do know and don’t care, which is ultimately putting your son at risk! Then you need to decide if you want your child going there anymore.

Even though you say your husband doesn’t get drunk – using any substance to mask or deal with something like pain, or anxiety or not sleeping can be problematic. The issue is that usually the body builds up a tolerance – so when two glasses of wine don’t help him fall asleep anymore it becomes three, then four etc. Before you know it, you have created a problem. Just be careful with that one. As well, if your son is aware that your husband only drinks to “fall asleep” you are communicating the need for substances outside of one’s self to help one cope. Maybe your son is drinking because he is dealing with some issue like anxiety, or social incompetence, or peer pressure where he thinks he will only be liked if he goes along with his friends and drinks. If Dad is saying it’s no big deal to have a drink “now and then” — your son has just been given permission to drink — even though you don’t think it’s right, a child will usually go with the parent who is going to let him do something!

You and your husband have to come to some kind of agreement on this issue and stay on same page when dealing with your son.

Talk to your son about how he is feeling. Refrain from lecturing about drugs and alcohol – you’ve tried that and obviously it had no benefit. Let your son know that you are there for him, no matter what. You may have to start imposing restrictions on his time away from home until you can get this sorted out and build back trust.

Coping with Grandpa’s Death

Question: My Father-in-law passed away a few months back. He was a very dear family member to all of us, especially to my daughters, Rachel 6, and Nicole, 3. When he passed away all our emotions took over us – we were sad, crying, anxious of the future without him lonely, etc. Rachel cried for a few minutes seeing us cry but during the funeral she was ok, singing and doing her own thing.

It’s after a couple of weeks, and very abruptly she bursts into crying and tells us how much she misses him. I think now that he isn’t there in person for any occasion she has realized that she will never meet him or see him. I keep telling her to talk to him in prayer and ask him to ask over beloved father in heaven to grant our sincere favors.

I have noticed that she has started acting out and in some cases has stopped performing well in school.

Please help. Thanks in advance for all your advice.

Sincerely,

Andrea

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Andrea,

Grief is a very individualized process. Not all of us will grieve in the same way or for the same length of time. It is a particularly complex process for children, based on their age and stage of development and understanding about death. Your daughter is only 6 years old; given her cognitive abilities at this age, her reactions seem very typical. I have listed a couple of articles that provide a great deal of information on the stages of the grieving process for young children that will hopefully put into context and perspective your daughter’s experience dealing with her loss.

Grief and Children
Healing Children’s Grief

Some additional thoughts:

Younger children do not usually have adequate language skills to express emotions of grief. Young children are their feelings – what they do with their bodies (how it is manifested – crying, stomach aches, acting out) is their grief. Art and play therapy are an effective way to get children to work out feelings of loss and come to terms of acceptance. Check out resources in your area for psychologists or child and adolescent therapists that specialize in art or play therapy.

* Children’s grief support groups can also help in the healing process – many funeral homes or hospices may offers such groups for children.

* Children often appreciate being offered pictures and possessions of the deceased person as a way of supporting their grieving process. Allow them to have clothing of the person, to play with objects and to have discussions about the person.

• Take the child’s lead in how much information they are seeking and be honest (but sensitive) with your answers.

Check in with the child from time to time to see if she is requiring support or needing more information. Be open to discussion. If she feels that you do not want to talk about Grandpa then she may feel ashamed of her own grief and may suppress her feelings.
When a family member passes away it disrupts the dynamic of the entire family – she is probably sensing this difference and is feeling afraid. Make every effort to communicate to her that she is safe and that you and your husband are still there to take care of her.

When a child’s parent is crying and upset it makes a child feel uncertain about the parent’s ability to carry on in the way that the child is use to. That is not to say you should hide your grief – quite the contrary – it is healthy for her to see you express your emotions (in an appropriate way of course) so that she learns about the process of dealing with loss. You just have to make certain that at the same time you are experiencing your grief that you are reassuring her that you are there to help her.

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

Independence

Celebrating Independence Day this weekend on July 4th, I gazed at the brilliant display of fireworks and pondered what freedom means to us today.

Freedom is all about having the ability to make choices.

Yet, I wondered, how much freedom is truly mine, and how much have I relinquished in order to fit into a specific “role”?

So often, we find ourselves stuck in a rut of repetitive habits, without understanding that we really do have the ability to break through of our invisible chains.

How many of us were labeled as children, and then grew into the roles that were assigned to us?

Don’t we all know someone who was labeled as non-academic in his youth, who went on to graduate college with honors later in life?

Aren’t we all familiar with someone who invested so much in her musical talents that she never explored the other aspects of her multi-facetted personality?

It’s so easy, and it’s so tempting to cast our children into roles.

“He’s the messy one with a great sense of humor.”

“She’s the sensitive one who is always organized.”

“He has terrific athletic abilities, but less-than-stellar social skills.”

I recall that in comparison to my brother, I had very specific labels in my youth. (Way too embarrassing to go into more detail!)

Sometimes freedoms are not taken away with a ball and chain, but with a simple label.

Casting a child into a specific role can create a long-term self-fulfilling prophesy.

Throughout their childhood and teenage years, children do not yet have a firm grasp on reality. Rather, their reality is defined by what their parents present as being the truth.

How often do we hear about the youth who was called a “liar” and then realized that he ought to continue speaking falsely in order to live up to his newfound “role”.

People, like glimmering diamonds, have a multitude of facets.

At this present day, or even within this specific decade, one particular facet may be shining more brightly than the others; yet that does not diminish the existence and potential of many other angles that make up one’s personality.

Let’s try to hold our tongues and avoid stereotyping our children within a specific role. Hard as it may be, let’s allow our children to explore ideas and activities that we may not have thought to be a perfect match. Obviously, we are not referring to actions that are inappropriate, rather to dealings that we would not have thought suited to that particular child.

The child who is disorganized can be given a chance to be in charge of a party. (With the necessary amount of supervision!)

The athletic son ought not be held back from trying his hand in the arts one season.

And the family “brain” may decide to opt out of this year’s honors program in order to pursue other interests.

When we avoid casting children into particular roles, we develop more well-rounded and emotionally healthy children.

Let’s continue to love, encourage, and continue to bring out the endless sparkle in our children.

Like a diamond sparkling in the sunlight, the layers of their personality will develop into a unique blend of talents, personality, and ingredients nowhere else to be found.

Who Are You?

RaisingSmallSouls is pleased to introduce Nathan Geisler, Master Life Coach, to provide valuable insights into child rearing. Nathan Geisler M.A., an experienced family therapist, has been an educator for life values for the last 25 years. He teaches and lectures at institutes of higher learning, colleges and universities. He has thousands of students across the globe.

Who Are You?

We are on the cusp of those “lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer”. For most of us, the school year has ended. We are looking ahead at weeks of summer vacation time. This might be an appropriate time to ponder some very important larger issues we and our children (students) are facing.

Before we even begin to address these issues, however, please allow me to pose four general questions which we might be well advised to ask ourselves and then pose to our children (or students).Here are my four fundamental questions:

(1) Who are you?

(2) What do you do?

(3) How well do you do it?

(4) What do you want (or need) in order to improve so that you contribute to making your life better?

Parents (or teachers) who are able to concisely and coherently answer these four questions are then in a position to help their children (or students) to work towards being able to successfully address these questions.

Almost all of our activities could be seen as efforts made to pursue the best answers to these four questions.

The question I want to bring to your attention in this article is: Of these four vital quests, what proportion of the answers do you (as a parent or teacher) assign as a parental responsibility, and what proportion do you allocate as a school responsibility?

Traditionally, the classroom teachers saw their roles “in loco parentis” – in place of a parent.

Let us examine these four quests one by one. This article will deal with an overview of the first quest.

“Who are you?” is a ubiquitous question that has infinite layers of depth. In many ways, the developmental processes of education help to continually broaden the answer to “who are you?”. This begins with the ability of children to state their names clearly when asked, “who are you?’ and advancing to the skill of writing their names and addresses. Gender identity is also expressed at this stage of school entry. The mix of other children in the classroom alerts children to the reality that the others in the class have different parents and different families.

Schooling generally goes a long way in helping to foster identification with one’s country, region, state and city and the responsibilities and privileges of citizenship. The answer to “who are you?” might now include American, Canadian, New Yorker, Texan or citizen of Hometown, USA.

Frequently the answer to “who are you?” includes an aspect of cultural and ethnic identity which might also merge or cross with a religious affiliation. “I am a Hispanic”, “I am a WASP”, “I am a Native-American”, etc. Awareness of the answer to “who are you?” as it stands in contrast to the differing answers of others can be a valuable contribution of the school to the successful socialization of the child.

At a more advanced and introspective level, “who are you?” can be interpreted as an existential quest for meaning and value in our lives. Hopefully, the high-school level of literature, history and thought development can help the student frame the question. For many people, this quest is just not part of their vocabulary. These people live their lives with a spiritually stunted growth. Life is simply richer and more meaningful when this aspect of “who are you?” is clearly addressed.

We have seen that education and schooling can go a long way in addressing the question “who are you?”.

Perhaps the single, most important factor in successfully navigating the journey to self-identity is the child’s “perspective of self”.

If the self is viewed as an expanding continuity, then children see themselves as whole beings ready to develop and grow through life. They are gifted with the ability to change and yet still keep their concept of self (“who am I?”) intact.

This most crucial component of self-development is rooted in the home. Each teacher, no matter how influential, usually is replaced by a new teacher come September. Thus, the family is the pivotal center of self-development.

The key to successfully answering the question “who are you?” at every stage of life’s journey is rooted in a strong, positive family relationship.

How comfortable are you (parent or teacher) with the question “who are you?” ?.

How much of your answer is tied up in the roles you play i.e. what you’re doing and not about your core being?

Childhood Fears

Question: My son is aged 7 years old and has a lot of fears in him. He has a fear of heights, in so much as he will not climb onto a 6 foot slide in a park. He will not even sit on a swing. He is afraid of being in a swimming pool, although he does go in the kiddies pool now as the water reaches his waist. He is scared of the dark and of insects. He will not fight back for himself if he is being bullied by another child his age or even smaller, either physically or verbally. Could someone please help and let me know how I could get rid of these fears of his. Will he outgrow them with age or do I need to take him to a psychologist?

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Typical childhood fears change with age. Younger children usually experience fears that are not based in reality: monster under the bed, boogie men. Children between the ages of 7-11 tend to worry more about universal issues like war, pollution and extreme weather. These types of fears can also include fear of strangers, heights, darkness, animals, blood, insects, and being left alone. Children will usually outgrow their fears, or exchange one type of fear for another as they get older and the landscape of their lives change. The strategies we teach our children to help cope with fears can benefit them for life. It prepares them for dealing with larger fears they may experience when they are older.

Some signs that a child may be overly anxious about fears may include:

• becoming clingy, impulsive, or distracted

• nervous movements, such as temporary twitches

• problems getting to sleep and/or staying asleep longer than usual

• sweaty hands

• accelerated heart rate and breathing

• nausea

• headaches

• stomachaches

To help your child deal with fears and anxieties:

• Recognize that the fear is real. As trivial as a fear may seem, it feels real to your child and it’s causing him to feel anxious and afraid. Being able to talk about fears helps — words often take some of the power out of the negative feeling. If you talk about it, it can become less powerful. Use “detective thinking” by asking him to assess the threat he is anticipating: “What do you think will happen? Is it reasonable to think that you will drown with a lifejacket on and me standing beside you?”

• Never belittle the fear as a way of forcing your child to overcome it. Saying, “Don’t be ridiculous! That slide isn’t even that high”, may get your child to go to the playground, but it won’t make the fear go away.

• Don’t feed into to fears, either. If your child doesn’t like insects, don’t not walk on the grass to avoid one. This will just reinforce that insects should be feared and avoided. Provide support and gentle care as you approach the feared object or situation with your child.

• Teach kids how to rate fear. A child who can visualize the intensity of the fear on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, may be able to “see” the fear as less intense than first imagined. Rating on a thermometer is also a good visual tool. Younger kids can think about how “full of fear” they are, with being full “up to my knees” as not so scared, “up to my stomach” as more frightened, and “up to my head” as truly petrified. After you some coping strategies have him rate the fear again so he can see how much control he has over managing it.

• Teach coping strategies. Try these easy-to-implement techniques. Exposure: using you as “home base,” the child can venture out toward the feared object, and then return to you for safety before venturing out again. Positive Self Talk: The child can also learn some positive self-statements, such as “I can do this” and “I will be OK” to say to himself when feeling anxious.

• Relaxation techniques are helpful, including visualization (of floating on a cloud or lying on a beach, for example) and deep breathing (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate).

If anxious feelings persist, they can be a real detriment to a child’s well being.The question to ask yourself is how are your son’s fears impacting his activities of daily living: social interactions, academic performance, sleep? If his fears are keeping him from participating in his life, i.e. he won’t go out for recess because he is afraid of going near the slide on the playground, or he refuses to get out of the car when you go to the beach for the day because he doesn’t want to go near the water, or if he is staying up at night worrying about what he will do if he is bullied at school, then you will need to take action and get some professional help.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is incredibly useful in helping children overcome anxieties and fears. A Registered Psychologist or Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist will work with your child to “re-wire” his negative thinking that causes him to feel overly anxious about his fears. A great book I recommend is Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky.

A Follower, Not a Leader

Question: My son who is 8 tends to be a follower and goes with what everyone else wants. He does whatever others like and do. I want to help teach him or give him the confidence to be a leader and not care if he likes or does things differently. I am afraid he will follow the bad behavior of the wrong kids. What can I do to help with confidence and leadership? I have already tried talking to him about it without success.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Your son sounds like he may fall into the category of people pleaser. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are usually the most compassionate and generous sorts. However, I do appreciate your fear of him not being able to stand up for himself if he is always listening and doing what other people tell him to.

Here are some suggestions to try that may be beneficial for you and your son.

• Nurture his strengths and talents and set him up with opportunities where he will succeed. If he shows special aptitude in a particular area then support those interests. He is more apt to find leadership opportunities in situations where his strengths are essential and welcomed.

• Whenever appropriate and possible give him choices for making decisions. As he gets older the choices you give him will carry more and more responsibility. As he gains skill at making decisions he will more accurately weigh the pros and cons of each choice. So when he is with the “wrong kids” he will have experience with discerning right choices from wrong ones.

• Encourage him to be more assertive. Invite his friends over and give him opportunities to set the agenda for play. Have him ask the other kids over to play a certain game of your son’s choice. As he gets practicing doing this on his own turf he may be less reluctant to be assertive out the schoolyard.

• Get him to assess his own worth at every opportunity by asking thought provoking questions about how he feels about a situation. You will have to find the right way to ask though, open ended questions will only give you yes or no answers. For example: “How does it make you feel to always play whatever everyone else wants to play?” Instead of: “Did you want to play what everyone else was playing?” If he gives you answers that suggests he feels bad about himself ask him to give you reasons for why that’s not true – if he can’t give you any examples then you give them to him based on fact.

A Recent Conversation:

Son: “I don’t think my friends like the games I play because they think they’re weird.”

Mom: “Well somebody invented that game and it sells in stores so what do you think about that?”

Son: “I think that people like different things.”

Mom: “Yeah, could you imagine if we liked all the same things and everyone was the same?”

Son: “Life would be very boring.”

Mom: “Yes. And when you play those games do you have fun or are you bored?”

Son: “Fun, and I do have some people who will play them with me and have fun too.”

This was an actual conversation – I can’t guarantee it will go this way for everyone but the point is to try and get children to assess their own worth and decide for themselves that it is ok to like different things.

I would also suggest that you take an accurate assessment of who your child is. Not everyone is a leader but that does not mean that they can’t contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your son may be content with “going with the flow” and as long as he has good morals and supportive parents, he will be alright. You may discover that he will not follow the “wrong kids”, but that he may follow the “right” ones.

“I’m Losing It!”

Question:

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

I’m a single mom raising two girls, ages 10 and 7. Being a supportive and nurturing parent is the most important thing to me, and generally, I feel like I’m a pretty good parent. But sometimes, things escalate, they talk back to me, and it reaches a point where I find myself yelling and saying things I really regret later. It’s as if I totally lost control of myself and can’t stop?

Signed, Losing It in New Jersey!

RaisingSmallSouls is proud to present today’s answer by Margo Sasson as a Mother’s Day gift for you and your family!

Margo Sasson is a family therapist specializing in work with children and their families, as well as an instructor of undergraduate psychology. She is married and a mother of three children.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer:

Dear Losing It,

There are many ways to answer the question you have posed. Although it may be helpful to analyze what is contributing to your daughter’s frustration, and hence, the escalation between the two of you, I’d like to shelve that issue for now. Rather, I’d like to use this as an opportunity to take a closer look at what is happening inside of you, the parent, that may be contributing to the escalation. By stepping into your internal world, discovering the “wiring” behind the scenes of your own behavior, you can achieve greater self-understanding and enhance your parenting beyond words.

Parenthood is one of the most intense of all human relationships. It is a journey where we can come to discover and develop some of our most positive qualities: our patience, our nurturing, and our ability to identify our children’s strengths and help them see them too. But along the way, we come to meet other, less pleasant, aspects of ourselves. We are faced with the undeniable reality, day after day, that we are appallingly shorter of perfection than we may have thought.

When you describe “losing control” and being “unable to stop”, it is a clue for us that a shift in your general manner has taken place. Your usual rational, calm, “what is the most helpful thing to do here” approach has been abruptly switched off and been usurped by its not-as-likeable, emotion-dominated counterpart. When this happens, your rational self, that part of you that has the ability to delay gratification and coherently plan the next logical step, is basically immobilized. The system that takes over is a system manned by raw, unprocessed emotion (e.g. rage, fury, fear) that is very difficult to contain due to the collapse of logic.

The last decades have seen an explosion in the amount and quality of research generated on the role of the brain in emotional regulation.. What you describe of yourself is something most parents will identify with. Many parents describe occasions where they “see red”, “lose control”, or are “consumed by fury”. They describe being so taken over by this emotional storm that they feel unable to stop themselves. Taken to its extreme, abusive parents describe this state, during which they unleash unbridled fury upon their children and feel unable to stop it. When this state has passed, they may be overcome by deep feelings of remorse and self-hatred. But even for healthy, well-regulated parents, the nature of this type of emotional state is not unfamiliar. And when a parent realizes that he has just spewed venomous criticism and character-slashing toward the child he dearly loves, he will feel deep shame and resolve never to do it again.

What causes the switch into these states, and what can we do to restore our self-control?

Neurologists have identified two primary modes of processing information: the higher mode, or “high road”, and the lower mode, or “low road”. High road processing involves the rational, “higher” form of processing information. It is the ability to objectively analyze information, while allowing us a flexibility and self-awareness throughout the process. Conversely, the low road of information processing represents a shift in gears, whereby the high road is shut down. The individual operates under raw and intense emotion, lack of awareness as to the impact of his actions on others, rigidity, and impulsivity. In purely structural forms, the high road involves the prefrontal cortex in its processing, which is the brain region responsible for rational thoughts, whereas the low road short-circuits that section of the brain and proceeds to process the information utilizing the limbic system only (home to emotional processing) and leaves out the prefrontal cortex.

Of course, the obvious question remains: What triggers the entry into the low road state? Why do we “lose it”, i.e. switch from prefrontal cortex involvement to disengagement?

Neuroscientists have examined the characteristics of the switch to low road processing, and have delineated the process. They have found that there is always a trigger, either internal or external, which serves to activate the shift from high road to low road. At this point, a transitionary process is begun whereby the brain makes its descent into low road processing. Once this happens, you are in a state of “immersion”, where the ability to self reflect and self control is partially or totally suspended. (For further understanding of the brain science involved and for a fascinating read, see “Parenting from the Inside Out” by Daniel J. Siegal, MD and Mary Hartzell, M. Ed, Penguin-Putnam, 2008)

The ramifications of this knowledge are enormous. If entry into the low road is precipitated by a trigger, perhaps we can identify our triggers and perhaps find an alternative way to respond to them?

In order to answer this, it is helpful to begin with an understanding of what typically constitutes a trigger into low road functioning.

Every parent was once a child herself. We all know that the complexities of how our parents raised us contribute, among myriad other factors, how we view ourselves. Even adults who were raised in a generally positive environment will recall themes or issues that may remain raw or unprocessed for them. These are the unresolved issues, the issues that remain potent with emotionality for us, that trigger our connection with our pain, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. Some common themes that people experience as unresolved are dependence, loss, aggression, intimacy, and more.

When one of these issues is activated through interpersonal connections, we access, momentarily, those feelings of vulnerability and insecurity. Although these feelings can be activated by any interpersonal interaction, children, by virtue of their still-evolving social finesse, activate these feelings in their most primal, basic forms.

Children are still learning to negotiate the bigger issues of attachment and interpersonal skills- the basic building blocks of relationships. This, coupled with the fact that we are so connected to them and assume responsibility for them, contributes to our extreme emotional reactivity toward our children. They consistently serve to trigger some of our most potent unresolved issues in the most basic way.

Although this is a reality, we do not have to resign ourselves to continually reenacting these scenarios we later regret so deeply. We can actively make use of this knowledge to help ourselves.

It is now clear that the entry into the low road is activated by our child’s triggering this state. Something about his behavior, his way of engaging with us, touches upon our most vulnerable spots. Perhaps his needs of us (nurturance, dependence, support) are too much for us to handle? Perhaps he exhibits behavior (aggression, dependence) that brings up themes fraught with emotionality for us? Perhaps we become enraged or ashamed in the face of our own imperfections, impatience, or intolerance that we exhibit following our child’s demands? The result is a flooding of our consciousness with raw emotionality such as rage or fear. This feeling is so strong, such a tidal wave of emotion that we feel quickly stripped of our self control. And the result is subsequent low road behavior.

It seems clear that once on low road mode, it is exceedingly difficult to shift back to high road state. Usually, it is best to take a “time-out” and physically leave if needed, until you’ve sufficiently restored your ability to self-reflect, and wrest back your self-control. But once the mechanism of low road is clear, you can take some quiet time to reflect on the triggers that set you off. Some questions that might be enlightening:

When does my transition into low road tend to occur? (Place, time, specific child)

What are the behavioral triggers that tend to coax me into low road mode? Where do these triggers fit into the larger context of my childhood, upbringing, and self-concept?

Self-reflection is crucial in making sense of your transition into the low road. Although it may not enable you to completely avoid descending into the low road modality, it will enhance your understanding, and allow you t identify alternative coping patterns. (Go for a walk, take a drink, etc.) Ultimately, you may even find yourself able to talk your way around the low road: “I’m feeling myself getting heated up again. Uh-oh. Low road again. Why? Oh, Brian is whining again. He’s pushing the ‘nothing is ever good enough’ button. It’s my old ‘I have to please everyone’ issue. There goes my perfectionism. Ok, this is clearly my issue, not his. He is 8. I am 34. Yeah, but I’m still getting really mad. If I open my mouth, I’ll destroy him! Ok, I’d better get into the kitchen! Wash my face! Just don’t open my mouth! I’ll get through this: High road, here I come!”

Rebellious Teen

Question: My 15-year-old daughter’s grades have dropped recently. She has pushed the limits with my patience. She recently gauged her ears as well. I was mortified; she is such a nice, smart, beautiful young girl I am not sure why she would do this especially without asking for my advice or my permission. I made her remove the gauges and replace them with standard diamond studs. I feel like I have lost control. The other day I read a text message she had sent a friend about me it was insightful as well as awful. She does not want to attend family functions with my husband and our two younger children as she feels like I force her to do things she does not want to. She seems to be experiencing forms of depression. Is this normal at this age or should I seek clinical advice? She had a crush on a boy who ended up hurting her feelings, and I think this may have lowered her self- esteem. I’m truly at a loss for words; she repeatedly tells me nothing is wrong with her. I can tell something is bothering her as she is distant and unhappy.

Signed: Help me!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Help Me”:

When are children our babies it is relatively easy for us as parents to establish connections with them — it is an intuitive process and quite often a reciprocal one. We smile and talk softly to our infants and they respond in turn with a smile and a coo. When we meet our babies at the door in the arms of their day care providers, our whole attention is focused on our interaction with them and they in turn squeal with delight to see our radiant familiar faces. These instincts to preserve our bond with our children are continuously triggered into action during infancy. And although our love for our children certainly does not dissipate over time, our instinctive way of engaging them does. In today’s chaotic society, fractured connections with our children can pose real problems in terms of children deferring to unhealthy attachments to peers, substances and self harming rituals.

Essentially you are in competition with your daughter’s deferred attachments – I am assuming mostly her peers. You must supplant yourself in the position of your daughter’s friends! Impose restrictions on her peer interactions like: extracurricular activities that take her away for long periods, taking golf lessons with you or, going on weekend trips with the family, take away her cell phone (say it’s too expensive), picking her up from school. Don’t give her a choice by asking her to do these things – tell her it’s the way it’s going to be. The trick is that while you are imposing restrictions you must also be cultivating opportunities for the two of you to re-connect/attach. However, don’t let her know this is what you are doing – it would only cause her to dig in her heels and fight harder to keep her relationships outside your family. If she is wondering why you are all of sudden so “involved” with her, tell her you have been missing her and want to spend time with her because she is that important to you. Focus on re-establishing a relationship with her and try not to get caught up in her behavior – because you will see a lot of behavior while you are getting her to transition back into the family fold and that could cause you to abandon ship. Stay the course, no matter how rocky it gets. You need to win this competition!

In every encounter you have with her, establish eye contact and smile; this will set the tone for your interaction. Obviously it will be in more subtle terms than when your daughter was a baby. During infancy you probably stuck your face right in to hers until the sight of her two eyes merged into one. (Remember those days of Eskimo and butterfly kisses – sigh!) So instead of getting in her face, try putting yourself in her space. Take an interest in what is important to her – clothes, friends, and activities and communicate that interest by allowing her to express herself to you. It may be tempting to judge and ridicule, but for now you need to try and get an invitation into her world. Once she feels unconditional acceptance (that doesn’t mean you have to agree or like everything she says or does; you just have to be willing to listen) she will feel it is safe for you to know her. Once you have re-established yourself with her, you will be able to parent within the context of that relationship and your influence will become more prominent and affect how she will makes decisions. I don’t think this is entirely lost on you: you were able to get her to replace the gages in her ears with standard diamond studs. This is good news – if things were too far gone she likely would have refused to do that, regardless of what you had to say about it.

Don’t let the sun come up or go down without having expressed your love to her through physical contact (a hug, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a touch to the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a tussle of her hair). Saying “I love you” is important but “touch” grounds us to our connections.

Adolescence is a time for testing out independence and teenagers will do that by trying to push every limit and boundary a parent has set. Ironically, this age group thrives on structure and stability. So they need you to set limits and be in charge. They are not mature enough to go out into the world and not get lost to peer pressure and situations that are beyond their capabilities. This is a time where you begin to establish trust and teach a child how to live in the world with confidence and make decisions that are appropriate. You let your children go and be independent and depending on how they do, you let them go a little bit more each time. When they are not doing well with the independence they are given it is up to the parent to pull in the reigns and redirect and guide the child. When the child learns you are their road map to follow, they will want to stay close to you. Children don’t want to feel lost, and when they do they will attach to anything or anyone that promises a sense of direction.

When she escapes your interventions to take her away from her peers (and she will) you have to go and get her. I have a friend whose 15 year old son snuck out of the house and went to his girlfriends, where the parents were not home. When she discovered he was gone at 1am she drove there and knocked on the door. When he refused to come with her she sat in the driveway honking the horn until the neighbors began to complain and the son eventually got in her car. And it was a long time that she sat there making noise – but she never gave up and her efforts re-positioned herself as her sons’ main influence. It’s not always about consequences, sometimes we just have to demonstrate that we are “here” for them – no matter what they do! Consequences for misbehavior are important but right now your main goal is to reconnect with your daughter and lure her away from unhealthy choices. And believe me these kinds of things I am suggesting will feel like consequence enough to her! It won’t be necessary for you to impose any more.
I am a huge advocate of “the family that eats together stays together”. Insist on having family meals at the table, away from distractions and have thought provoking conversations. If talk doesn’t come easy use conversation starters: “Tell me about the best part of your day and the worst part of your day”; “If you could be anything on the planet, what would that be?” “Who is your hero, and why?” You learn a lot about each other during this kind of dialogue.

I wouldn’t rule out depression. If things persist past 6 months (perhaps they already have) you may want to have her assessed. The drastic drop in marks and withdrawal is concerning but that may be reactionary after being rejected by her crush – especially since she so obviously puts much stock in her peer relationships. There are other signs and symptoms of depression that you did not mention – not sleeping, or sleeping all the time, irritable mood, lack of appetite/weight loss, lack of interest in things she once enjoyed. It sounds more like teenage angst to me and a girl who is trying to find her identity within a group of peers; and yes, this is normal for this age.

Overcoming Shyness

Question: Is there anything you would recommend which would help our daughter, age 6, and overcome her shyness? Our main concern is that she finds it difficult to talk and interact with other children (other than her best friend) and make eye contact with others outside of the family.

We are trying to help prepare her for social events by talking through what is likely to happen and rehearse what she might say and do. Her teacher has suggested joining a drama group to build confidence. Can you suggest anything else?

Signed, What else can I do?

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Dear What Else,

I think what you are doing is great. Some kids can be very shy especially around unfamiliar people. I think rehearsing and preparing for social situations is a key way to lower your daughter’s anxiety, and help her feel more comfortable.

There are a few other ideas I would like you to consider. There are children who have a very hard time talking at school or social situations outside of the home. Some of these children stop talking altogether outside of the house. This is known as Selective Mutism. Interestingly enough, these same children can be very talkative with close friends and family. I am not suggesting that this is the case- however some of the recommended interventions may be helpful to you.

Other children are invited to the home, so the child can talk to them and spend time with them in a comfortable way. After this is done a number of times, the children usually feel more comfortable interacting with the same kids at school or other settings.

It is also helpful to have a parent or close family member with them at various social settings. (In cases of Selective Mutism the parent will accompany the child to school and talk with them there. This is repeated, and generally over a period of time the child will speak with other children and peers.) The trusted adult figure serves as a safety net in these situations.

Having her join the drama group is another great idea, as long as she wants to. I would not push her if she feels this is outside of her comfort zone. Certainly if there is a talent that she has, it can used as an expressive creative outlet.

The last idea I would like to present you with is a social skills group. Your daughter is at the perfect age to join one. She can make friends and acquire the skills and confidence to be more social in school and elsewhere.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Growing Up

Question: I have a son who is in 6th grade. Throughout all his elementary years, we were always so very close. If there was a function at school he wanted me to volunteer. If there was a class trip, he would hope that I would be the chaperone. If he didn’t have a friend over he would ask me to play video games with him and we would lie side by side on the floor together. So many times when I would tell him how big he was getting he would pat me on the back and say “don’t worry mom you’ll always be my best friend”.

Well independence has found him. There is such a change in attitude i.e. hang out together, no way; chaperon the upcoming field trip, I don’t think so. Disrespect has also found its way into our lives. Though after the second bout of my son calling me stupid he learned that I will not tolerate such behavior (I was bringing his friend over to stay the night, once he made the remark his friend was returned home. My son was not happy, but I stated you will not speak to me in such a manner).

His friends think I am a pretty cool mom, unfortunately my son no longer sees me in that fashion. The many parents that I have spoken to say this is just a phase and he will come back. If so, how much space do I allow him? Should I let him know that this hurts me?

Sincerely,

“Feeling Left Behind”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear “Feeling Left Behind”

I appreciate you openness and honesty regarding your feelings. Not everyone is able to do that, and I find it refreshing that you are so emotionally aware.

I have to say that I understand your hurt, but I am also glad that you recognize that this is an important part of his growing process. It’s wonderful that you are able to be firm and won’t tolerate disrespect. Too often parents in your shoes will let it slide in the hopes of remaining popular and cool in their kids and their friends eyes. It’s imperative that you remain the parent, and that your son understands that.

You do not mention a spouse or other children, so I don’t know whether you have any. Now would be a good time to invest in you, in your work, career, hobbies, or relationships. Your son is growing, evolving and developing. So should you.

When you ask how much space you should give him, I think the rule is as much as he requires as long as it’s safe and healthy activities and relationships that he is involved in.

I think it’s ok and even advisable to schedule some alone time with your son. Do something that he enjoys together. It’s alright to tell him that you want to do things together. It’s not ok to make him feel badly for growing up, and hanging out with his friends rather than his mom.

There is a parallel growth process for both of you. I congratulate you on recognizing and identifying your feelings, and I hope you take advantage of this opportunity.

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