Raising Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Our children are experiencing pessimism, sadness, passivity, and obesity at unprecedented levels today. This is happening despite massive self-esteem campaigns and the natural optimism of children.

One of the world’s foremost experts on self-esteem, Dr. Nathaniel Brandon, believes that self-esteem has two basic components. The first is competence – the ability or skill to perform or basically get through the day. Most people either have skill or can acquire it fairly easily.

The second is a feeling of worthiness and deserving to be happy. This is where most people fall short. This feeling of self-worth – deserving to do, have, or become – is nurtured from a very early age and is enormously influenced by parents. This feeling is closely tied to using positive language too, because we begin to frame our child’s world at a very early age with our words and the images they evoke. Feelings of self-worth come from being taught, encouraged, and praised with respect to achieving and accomplishing. What most of us don’t realized however is that the achievements and accomplishments don’t have to be monumental to win your praise and approval.

As Dr. Brandon says, “Of all of the value judgments we made in our lives, there is none more important than the judgment we place on ourselves.” Our self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves, and it can only be acquired from within. This is not an instant verdict; it’s a feeling developed over time, a deep intuition about who we believe we are. Nor is self-esteem harmed or bolstered by a single event, choice, or act. Rather, it is developed over a long period, and through a series of choices and decisions. To put it simply, healthy self-esteem is not acquired as a result of anything external; it’s more of a spiritual accomplishment.

I am an adamant believer that people, including children, will not harm something or someone they value, including themselves. I also believe that, for the most part, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. If your child is a poor concept of self-worth, most likely one or both parents will be as well.

Self-esteem is critical because it will affect virtually everything about our children: whether they use and/or abuse drugs, alcohol, or tobacco; whom they choose to socialize with and how; their level of education; their fitness and health-related habits; how they look and present themselves to the world; how much money they will make; whether they will become self-employed or work for someone else; how long they will work and what they will do; whether they will marry and whom; whether they will have children and, if so, how they will raise them; where they will live; the car they drive; their level of stability and how they will cope with life; and this is just a partial list.

Developing good habits requires a purpose in life, and purpose requires a healthy self-esteem and a sense of confidence and worthiness.

One of your greatest tasks as a parent is to help your children find and develop this purpose in their lives. To accomplish this, you must be patient, nurturing, and open to change. Self-discovery is a process of living and learning over a lifetime. It’s a journey, not a destination. You, as a parent, are your child’s tour guide.

So what can we as parents do to help our children and society as a whole? Here are some things to seriously consider that will not only help to raise your child’s self-esteem but your own as well.

• To the best extent possible, provide a stable home with structure, love, and discipline.

• When you discipline, separate who your children are from what they do.

• Help our kids learn to be independent thinkers in a rational environment.

• Make sure they see consistency in your behavior.

• Don’t praise your child just to be “cool” or to be their “buddy”.

• Look for, and even create, opportunities to give them honest, genuine praise.

• Get involved with your children in activities that interest them.

• Help them find the lesson in failure, but never carry the failure forward. My dad always said, “Winners laugh and losers learn.”

• Proactively and politely assert your right to be happy and your right to legitimate wants and needs.

Give of yourself to your children. It’s the greatest gift you could ever offer and love them without conditions.

Larry J. Bradley is an author, speaker, personal and professional coach and consultant. He is a business turnaround specialist, certified Self-Talk trainer, NLP practitioner and coach, as well as a hypnosis and time-line therapy practitioner. His areas of expertise include parenting, personal success and management, persuasion, influence and sales. He can be reached at LarryBradley11@gmail.com or at 856-535-7500.

Getting glasses can be tough on a child’s self- esteem, but as a parent, you have the power to head off problems from the start.

1. Keep your eyes open
Be aware of how well your child can see. As he or she begins to grow up, engage her in conversation about what she sees. Watch her behavior and characteristic habits – is she squinting at Sponge Bob? Does her hand keep brushing her face near her eyes? Habits such as these can indicate visual problems. The wise parent anticipates these problems, and if you’re noticing any squinting or headaches in your child, you should be thinking about an eye exam. It’s not really that tragic to wear glasses, especially when you realize how much more you can see when you wear them! Support and encourage them to see better vision as a benefit.

2. Choose frames enthusiastically
It you treat it as an adventure, your child’s first trip to the optician can help him come out of the shell he’s been in, the lonely isolation of poor vision. Do a little homework and take your child to an optical outlet that has many different choices, rather than endless walls of similar frames. Explore all styles and materials and find the most comfortable fit. Keep the conversation going: point out pictures of eyeglass wearers in magazines or on TV. Try to get your child to express an opinion about certain styles. Try to learn what styles are appealing to your child, so that he or she can find glasses that fit their personal style. This is a great self-esteem builder.

3. Be realistic about your child’s needs
Glasses enable a child to participate in sports they could not see well enough to play before, but they can also get in the way, fall off, or get broken in vigorous play. Think about getting a support strap that will keep the glasses on. Even better, think about getting contact lenses, the daily wear kind. Children at any age can wear contacts, and they offer a real competitive advantage in competitive sports.

4. Teach good visual habits
Get your child out doors to play on a regular basis. Don’t let him sit in from of the TV or computer all day. Staring at one place for a long time is unnatural – looking off into the distance, catching a ball or riding a bike are all eye-healthy activities.

5. Let the good times roll
Don’t buy a child an expensive pair of glasses – they’ll break or be outgrown in no time. Find a frame you like and get an extra one or two, so the child won’t feel too nervous about losing or breaking them. You can find an eyeglass frame provider online with much lower prices than retail, choose your frame, provide your doctor’s prescription, and receive glasses in the mail. The peace of mind for you and your child will be a definite bonus.

Sara Roberts is a content contributor for Just Eyewear, a prescription glasses and prescription sunglasses retailer.

No parent wants to imagine that the precious kindergartner you drop off at school in the morning will be using every opportunity during the day to make another or several other classmates’ lives sheer misery in the classroom, on the playground, and even in the bathroom. Such is the nature of the Kindergarten bully. Why a child becomes a bully, how he or she can be identified at school, the serious effects such behavior can have on those victimized, and how to prevent bullying at such a young age are all important issues to consider, especially when you realize that as many as 18% of kindergartners are regularly bullied at school.

Kindergarten bullying comes in three forms: verbal, physical, and exclusionary. Left unchecked, it will increase to peak forces by junior high school, where peer relationships, positive or negative, are most powerful. While there are many factors that influence a child’s tendency to become a bully, most of them seem to come from the home environment and behaviors there. Since children as young as 2 years old have been observed practicing bullying to get a toy or position they want, it is imperative that parents do not tolerate aggressive or threatening physical behavior, even at this young age.

Other family risk factors include lack of parental involvement or warmth, lack of supervision, parents or older siblings who model bullying, harsh physical discipline, and being a victim of bullying at home. Having friends who exhibit bullying behavior and value violent or aggressive actions is also a contributing factor. Additionally, the potential negative influence of TV, movies, and video games cannot be overstated. Finally, the elementary school itself, including kindergarten that ignores or minimizes such behaviors between young children is, in fact, endorsing those very negative interactions.

The typical signs of bullying in kindergarten include physical aggressiveness such as pushing, tripping, slapping, hitting, kicking, stepping on feet, pinching, and even choking. Social bullying often involves name calling, hate speech, hurtful teasing, threatening, and saying nasty things about the targeted child. Emotional bullying is more apt to be exclusionary. “You can’t be my friend” or “No one wants to play with you” are systematically aimed at the bully’s target. The results from any of these forms of bullying have both serious short-term and long-term effects.

The childhood victim of bullying suffers on several levels. The kindergartner may be physically hurt by the aggressive, even dangerous actions of a bigger, stronger child. The usual response is increased timidity and isolation that often develops into a dislike or fear of school, resulting in increased absenteeism. Worse yet, the defensive responses of the child such as crying or running away serve to make him or her, an easily recognizable target for future attacks and increased bullying.

Over the long-term, teens and adults who were bullied as young children often struggle with low self-esteem issues. They may even feel that they deserve being mistreated by others. A feeling of powerlessness may cause them to run away physically or emotionally to drugs and alcohol. Depression and chronic migraines or non-migraine headaches are more frequent within this group as well.

Both parents and the schools can take an active role in preventing kindergarten bullying. Parents need to realize that their children may be at fault, and telltale signs such as disrespectful behavior at home, arrogance and sarcasm, bossiness, taking frustrations out on other younger siblings, and talking unkindly about classmates are all warning flags. Any child who behaves in these ways at home is probably doing similar bullying actions in other places including the classroom and playground. Kind but forceful and consistent intervention is absolutely necessary. Investigate, judge the situation, and discipline as necessary each and every time until the behaviors are modified. Obviously, building a healthy relationship with your child and discussing bullying and respectful relationships is crucial as well. The bottom line is that young children model what they see, especially from authority figures such as parents and teachers.

For teachers of kindergartners, studies show that bullying can be reduced as much as 50% by introducing curriculum that deals with the subject, setting clear school rules, and enforcing them. Positive affirmation for appropriate behavior is important because children at this age really care about teacher-approval. Watch closely for possible bullies and avoid showing any favoritism. Stories that illustrate respectful behavior allow for discussion and play-acting as well. Kindergarten bullying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed both at school and at home for proper resolution.

Jennifer Mizuhara is a writer for Findourschool.com.

More resources to help with bullying

The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying: A Complete Guide for Teachers & Parents

Hot Issues, Cool Choices: Facing Bullies, Peer Pressure, Popularity, and Put-downs

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool–How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition)

Putting Your SELF in the Development of Self-Esteem
By Dyan Eybergen, RN © 2009

Self-esteem is not something children are born with.

Its development begins during infancy and is primarily based on the interactions children have with their parents and that those interactions are positive in nature.

The development of children’s self-esteem unfolds with the perceptions of those closest to them and then expands, as they get older, to outside the nuclear family. Children will internalize the feelings and experiences they encounter through these relationships and incorporate them into a definition of who they are. When they experience affirmative relationships, children will build confidence in their own merit as individual people.

It is imperative then, that parents, being the first point of relationship contact for a child, set the groundwork for the development of a healthy self-esteem. Parents can facilitate this process by exhibiting 4 basic behaviours to their children on a consistent basis. These SELF parenting behaviours are as follows:

Support: Parents provide a safe haven for children where they come to express their dreams and aspirations, their fears and their failures and know that their parents will listen. It is a place of retreat when things go wrong. Children will know that their parents “place” offers a supportive framework that they can lean on, gather strength and be encouraged to carry on.

Empower: As children grow parents bestow onto them more and more autonomy and authorize a sense of independence. From learning to tie their own shoes to driving a car, parents instil confidence in their children to try new things and tackle chores and problems on their own. Parents recognize their children’s strengths and highlight them so children begin to use their strengths to make decisions and choose career paths that are right for them.

Love that is unconditional: Parents continue to demonstrate and communicate their adoration for their children, no matter what their children have done. Parents see their child’s misbehaviour as opportunities for their child to learn and grow. Parents help misbehaved children learn from their mistakes, guide them to make amends for their wrong doing and help them to choose appropriate behaviours the next time.

Faith in the child’s capabilities: Parents trust that their children will learn right from wrong. As their children grow, parents give them opportunities to exercise problem solving and negotiation skills. Parents set their children up for success based on individual character strengths and allow their children to make mistakes and learn from them. Parents communicate trust and belief in their children’s ability to succeed, right from learning to feed independently, to taking their first steps, to going off to University.

Through a consistent showing of the SELF parenting behaviours, children get positive reinforcement of specific self-esteem attributes. Children who receive support are Strengthened; those who are empowered, feel Encouraged; children who know unconditional love learn to Love themselves and when children know that their parents have faith in them, they are Fulfilled as a human beings.

Dyan Eybergen is the author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Question: My son is aged 7 years old and has a lot of fears in him. He has a fear of heights, in so much as he will not climb onto a 6 foot slide in a park. He will not even sit on a swing. He is afraid of being in a swimming pool, although he does go in the kiddies pool now as the water reaches his waist. He is scared of the dark and of insects. He will not fight back for himself if he is being bullied by another child his age or even smaller, either physically or verbally. Could someone please help and let me know how I could get rid of these fears of his. Will he outgrow them with age or do I need to take him to a psychologist?

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Typical childhood fears change with age. Younger children usually experience fears that are not based in reality: monster under the bed, boogie men. Children between the ages of 7-11 tend to worry more about universal issues like war, pollution and extreme weather. These types of fears can also include fear of strangers, heights, darkness, animals, blood, insects, and being left alone. Children will usually outgrow their fears, or exchange one type of fear for another as they get older and the landscape of their lives change. The strategies we teach our children to help cope with fears can benefit them for life. It prepares them for dealing with larger fears they may experience when they are older.

Some signs that a child may be overly anxious about fears may include:

• becoming clingy, impulsive, or distracted

• nervous movements, such as temporary twitches

• problems getting to sleep and/or staying asleep longer than usual

• sweaty hands

• accelerated heart rate and breathing

• nausea

• headaches

• stomachaches

To help your child deal with fears and anxieties:

• Recognize that the fear is real. As trivial as a fear may seem, it feels real to your child and it’s causing him to feel anxious and afraid. Being able to talk about fears helps — words often take some of the power out of the negative feeling. If you talk about it, it can become less powerful. Use “detective thinking” by asking him to assess the threat he is anticipating: “What do you think will happen? Is it reasonable to think that you will drown with a lifejacket on and me standing beside you?”

• Never belittle the fear as a way of forcing your child to overcome it. Saying, “Don’t be ridiculous! That slide isn’t even that high”, may get your child to go to the playground, but it won’t make the fear go away.

• Don’t feed into to fears, either. If your child doesn’t like insects, don’t not walk on the grass to avoid one. This will just reinforce that insects should be feared and avoided. Provide support and gentle care as you approach the feared object or situation with your child.

• Teach kids how to rate fear. A child who can visualize the intensity of the fear on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the strongest, may be able to “see” the fear as less intense than first imagined. Rating on a thermometer is also a good visual tool. Younger kids can think about how “full of fear” they are, with being full “up to my knees” as not so scared, “up to my stomach” as more frightened, and “up to my head” as truly petrified. After you some coping strategies have him rate the fear again so he can see how much control he has over managing it.

• Teach coping strategies. Try these easy-to-implement techniques. Exposure: using you as “home base,” the child can venture out toward the feared object, and then return to you for safety before venturing out again. Positive Self Talk: The child can also learn some positive self-statements, such as “I can do this” and “I will be OK” to say to himself when feeling anxious.

• Relaxation techniques are helpful, including visualization (of floating on a cloud or lying on a beach, for example) and deep breathing (imagining that the lungs are balloons and letting them slowly deflate).

If anxious feelings persist, they can be a real detriment to a child’s well being.The question to ask yourself is how are your son’s fears impacting his activities of daily living: social interactions, academic performance, sleep? If his fears are keeping him from participating in his life, i.e. he won’t go out for recess because he is afraid of going near the slide on the playground, or he refuses to get out of the car when you go to the beach for the day because he doesn’t want to go near the water, or if he is staying up at night worrying about what he will do if he is bullied at school, then you will need to take action and get some professional help.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is incredibly useful in helping children overcome anxieties and fears. A Registered Psychologist or Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist will work with your child to “re-wire” his negative thinking that causes him to feel overly anxious about his fears. A great book I recommend is Freeing Your Child From Anxiety by Tamar E. Chansky.

Question: My son who is 8 tends to be a follower and goes with what everyone else wants. He does whatever others like and do. I want to help teach him or give him the confidence to be a leader and not care if he likes or does things differently. I am afraid he will follow the bad behavior of the wrong kids. What can I do to help with confidence and leadership? I have already tried talking to him about it without success.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Your son sounds like he may fall into the category of people pleaser. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are usually the most compassionate and generous sorts. However, I do appreciate your fear of him not being able to stand up for himself if he is always listening and doing what other people tell him to.

Here are some suggestions to try that may be beneficial for you and your son.

• Nurture his strengths and talents and set him up with opportunities where he will succeed. If he shows special aptitude in a particular area then support those interests. He is more apt to find leadership opportunities in situations where his strengths are essential and welcomed.

• Whenever appropriate and possible give him choices for making decisions. As he gets older the choices you give him will carry more and more responsibility. As he gains skill at making decisions he will more accurately weigh the pros and cons of each choice. So when he is with the “wrong kids” he will have experience with discerning right choices from wrong ones.

• Encourage him to be more assertive. Invite his friends over and give him opportunities to set the agenda for play. Have him ask the other kids over to play a certain game of your son’s choice. As he gets practicing doing this on his own turf he may be less reluctant to be assertive out the schoolyard.

• Get him to assess his own worth at every opportunity by asking thought provoking questions about how he feels about a situation. You will have to find the right way to ask though, open ended questions will only give you yes or no answers. For example: “How does it make you feel to always play whatever everyone else wants to play?” Instead of: “Did you want to play what everyone else was playing?” If he gives you answers that suggests he feels bad about himself ask him to give you reasons for why that’s not true – if he can’t give you any examples then you give them to him based on fact.

A Recent Conversation:

Son: “I don’t think my friends like the games I play because they think they’re weird.”

Mom: “Well somebody invented that game and it sells in stores so what do you think about that?”

Son: “I think that people like different things.”

Mom: “Yeah, could you imagine if we liked all the same things and everyone was the same?”

Son: “Life would be very boring.”

Mom: “Yes. And when you play those games do you have fun or are you bored?”

Son: “Fun, and I do have some people who will play them with me and have fun too.”

This was an actual conversation – I can’t guarantee it will go this way for everyone but the point is to try and get children to assess their own worth and decide for themselves that it is ok to like different things.

I would also suggest that you take an accurate assessment of who your child is. Not everyone is a leader but that does not mean that they can’t contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your son may be content with “going with the flow” and as long as he has good morals and supportive parents, he will be alright. You may discover that he will not follow the “wrong kids”, but that he may follow the “right” ones.

Signed: Help me!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Help Me”:

When are children our babies it is relatively easy for us as parents to establish connections with them — it is an intuitive process and quite often a reciprocal one. We smile and talk softly to our infants and they respond in turn with a smile and a coo. When we meet our babies at the door in the arms of their day care providers, our whole attention is focused on our interaction with them and they in turn squeal with delight to see our radiant familiar faces. These instincts to preserve our bond with our children are continuously triggered into action during infancy. And although our love for our children certainly does not dissipate over time, our instinctive way of engaging them does. In today’s chaotic society, fractured connections with our children can pose real problems in terms of children deferring to unhealthy attachments to peers, substances and self harming rituals.

Essentially you are in competition with your daughter’s deferred attachments – I am assuming mostly her peers. You must supplant yourself in the position of your daughter’s friends! Impose restrictions on her peer interactions like: extracurricular activities that take her away for long periods, taking golf lessons with you or, going on weekend trips with the family, take away her cell phone (say it’s too expensive), picking her up from school. Don’t give her a choice by asking her to do these things – tell her it’s the way it’s going to be. The trick is that while you are imposing restrictions you must also be cultivating opportunities for the two of you to re-connect/attach. However, don’t let her know this is what you are doing – it would only cause her to dig in her heels and fight harder to keep her relationships outside your family. If she is wondering why you are all of sudden so “involved” with her, tell her you have been missing her and want to spend time with her because she is that important to you. Focus on re-establishing a relationship with her and try not to get caught up in her behavior – because you will see a lot of behavior while you are getting her to transition back into the family fold and that could cause you to abandon ship. Stay the course, no matter how rocky it gets. You need to win this competition!

In every encounter you have with her, establish eye contact and smile; this will set the tone for your interaction. Obviously it will be in more subtle terms than when your daughter was a baby. During infancy you probably stuck your face right in to hers until the sight of her two eyes merged into one. (Remember those days of Eskimo and butterfly kisses – sigh!) So instead of getting in her face, try putting yourself in her space. Take an interest in what is important to her – clothes, friends, and activities and communicate that interest by allowing her to express herself to you. It may be tempting to judge and ridicule, but for now you need to try and get an invitation into her world. Once she feels unconditional acceptance (that doesn’t mean you have to agree or like everything she says or does; you just have to be willing to listen) she will feel it is safe for you to know her. Once you have re-established yourself with her, you will be able to parent within the context of that relationship and your influence will become more prominent and affect how she will makes decisions. I don’t think this is entirely lost on you: you were able to get her to replace the gages in her ears with standard diamond studs. This is good news – if things were too far gone she likely would have refused to do that, regardless of what you had to say about it.

Don’t let the sun come up or go down without having expressed your love to her through physical contact (a hug, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a touch to the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a tussle of her hair). Saying “I love you” is important but “touch” grounds us to our connections.

Adolescence is a time for testing out independence and teenagers will do that by trying to push every limit and boundary a parent has set. Ironically, this age group thrives on structure and stability. So they need you to set limits and be in charge. They are not mature enough to go out into the world and not get lost to peer pressure and situations that are beyond their capabilities. This is a time where you begin to establish trust and teach a child how to live in the world with confidence and make decisions that are appropriate. You let your children go and be independent and depending on how they do, you let them go a little bit more each time. When they are not doing well with the independence they are given it is up to the parent to pull in the reigns and redirect and guide the child. When the child learns you are their road map to follow, they will want to stay close to you. Children don’t want to feel lost, and when they do they will attach to anything or anyone that promises a sense of direction.

When she escapes your interventions to take her away from her peers (and she will) you have to go and get her. I have a friend whose 15 year old son snuck out of the house and went to his girlfriends, where the parents were not home. When she discovered he was gone at 1am she drove there and knocked on the door. When he refused to come with her she sat in the driveway honking the horn until the neighbors began to complain and the son eventually got in her car. And it was a long time that she sat there making noise – but she never gave up and her efforts re-positioned herself as her sons’ main influence. It’s not always about consequences, sometimes we just have to demonstrate that we are “here” for them – no matter what they do! Consequences for misbehavior are important but right now your main goal is to reconnect with your daughter and lure her away from unhealthy choices. And believe me these kinds of things I am suggesting will feel like consequence enough to her! It won’t be necessary for you to impose any more.
I am a huge advocate of “the family that eats together stays together”. Insist on having family meals at the table, away from distractions and have thought provoking conversations. If talk doesn’t come easy use conversation starters: “Tell me about the best part of your day and the worst part of your day”; “If you could be anything on the planet, what would that be?” “Who is your hero, and why?” You learn a lot about each other during this kind of dialogue.

I wouldn’t rule out depression. If things persist past 6 months (perhaps they already have) you may want to have her assessed. The drastic drop in marks and withdrawal is concerning but that may be reactionary after being rejected by her crush – especially since she so obviously puts much stock in her peer relationships. There are other signs and symptoms of depression that you did not mention – not sleeping, or sleeping all the time, irritable mood, lack of appetite/weight loss, lack of interest in things she once enjoyed. It sounds more like teenage angst to me and a girl who is trying to find her identity within a group of peers; and yes, this is normal for this age.

I have a theory about the three little ones (ages 10, 9 and 5) that I am raising. As a parent, I remind myself that I can build them up or tear them down when I don’t even know it.

When I was about 10, I was given the responsibility of cooking dinner for my family while mom would head out to the factory for the 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. I learned to make things like pork chops and casseroles. I found ways to put things in the oven and then go next door and play. Most of the time I made it back before anything burned.

My cooking training came whenever a meal was being made. I would assist my mom or dad, since both of them were talented in the kitchen.

One time I was given the task of peeling some potatoes for the Sunday dinner. For some reason, we never used the classic potato peeler on potatoes. We only used it for carrots! Instead we used a small, sharp paring knife similar to the one that my Grandma Isabel used in her farmhouse. I have very vivid memories of creamy yellow potatoes piling into the dented aluminum pot, their jackets left in heaps on newspapers that made cleanup quick and easy.

On this Sunday, I wanted to show my mom that I was speedy and helpful so I peeled those potatoes as fast as I could while standing at the stainless steel sink set into the rust orange counter tops. Imagine my surprise when instead of praise, I got a stern, “you have wasted more potato than we have left to boil. You need to work on removing the peeling and leaving the potato. “

Today, whenever I peel a potato, I think of those words. Silly words, really.

Now who would think that comment would stick with me? Who would think that a comment about peelings would pop into my head every time I prepare potatoes for the next 28 years?

We never know when the words that we say will become the defining moments in our children’s memories. When I’m on the verge of ranting about some mistake my children make, I remember the potato peelings in the sink with all the white starchy flesh attached to my mom’s disappointment.

As a parent I never know what will make a dent in my children’s memories or how they will hear my words and for no reason at all, some of them will echo in their little heads later in their lifetimes. And the echo will tell them lessons that I didn’t mean to teach them that day.

I hope they hear the spirit builders, and only listen to the best of me. And just to be safe, when my kids are helping me with dinner, I encourage them to reach for the potato peeler instead of the paring knife every time.

by: EP Parent Blogger Annita Woz
Annita Woz grew up in a large imperfect family in the Midwest. “As adults we have the power to build children up or tear them down,” she says about the challenges of being a responsible parent, “and we never know when what we say is going to be a defining moment in a child’s life.” Woz is a writer and child-grower living in Wisconsin with her husband and their three inspirational children. She is always learning.

‘What Defines a Defining Moment’ reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com.

Here’s how “mood-numbers” got started:

The plumber called earlier to say that he’d be here six hours ago, he hasn’t shown up, and the main bathroom and laundry facilities are still out of order.

I am annoyed and frustrated. (To put it mildly.)

My son brings chips into a carpeted room. (Disobeying one of the few rules we have.)

I snap and yell.

Now, I’m feeling bad that I took out all my frustrations on my innocent small soul.

“I’m sorry, Sweetie,” I say to my son. “Mommy is in a bad mood because the bathroom is broken.”

With youthful innocence, he asks me, “But why are you in a bad mood at ME?”

“I love you so much that you make me in a good mood, but I am upset that the plumber hasn’t come yet.”

“Hmmm, Mom, what mood number are you in?”

That was how it all began.

Sometimes I’ll answer “73” and my son will give me a hug and say, “NOW, what mood number are you in?”

We developed a simple system of 1 though 100, where mood number 1 is the absolutely worst one possible, and mood number 100 equals total ecstasy.

When children can define their feelings and the subtle differences in their emotions as feelings ebb and flow, they have a powerful tool to deal with all the ups and downs the life brings. By virtue of the fact that they are able to name their feelings, they become heads and shoulders above the general population in their ability to express themselves and develop meaningful relationships.

“I’m in mood 61,” my six-year-old recently stated. “I’m only a tiny bit happy because I have a headache.

“Mood number 100 is probably only for your wedding day, right, Mom?” asked my eight-year-old.

“I’m so angry that my soda spilled!” I’m in mood number eleven!”

Sometimes we add fractions, just for fun.

“I was in mood 73 and now that you have treated your brother nicely, I went up to mood number 83-and-a-half!”

It is also helpful to differentiate moods from physical well-being.

“My mood is 95, but my stomach is hurting, so my body is only at 30, so now I want to rest on the couch and hear you playing quietly.”

Both good and bad moods can be used as a great opportunity for labeling moods in a more detailed manner.

All children can relate to being happy versus sad.

It would also be valuable for children to utilize descriptions like livid, frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, regretful, melancholy, resentful, or furious.

Variations of happiness can be expressed as joy, excitement, appreciation, contentment, pleasure, or delight.

One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.

We Are More Than Beautiful

46 Real Teens Speak Out about Beauty, Happiness, Love and Life

by Woody Winfree

The new book, We Are More Than Beautiful for teen girls is the latest addition to the work of the I Am Beautiful Project, an initiative committed to producing creative and educational works that encourage personal growth and discovery for women and girls of all ages.

Author, Woody Winfree says the project’s mission is simple: to create a world in which every woman and girl can proudly proclaim, “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”

What is the I Am Beautiful Project all about? It is about changing the definition of beauty in our culture – one girl at a time, one woman at a time. Quite dramatically, the mass media has chipped away at our sense of beauty and well-being by presenting a singular, narrow and distorted image of female beauty: super-thin bodies, topped by large, perky breasts, with flawless youthful faces surrounded by shiny bouncy hair –and of course, sparkly white, perfectly straight teeth! This suggestion of beauty is not only wrong, it is a LIE. In truth, only three percent of the U.S. female population has the genetic makeup to look like this ideal. That means 97% of us are spending billions of dollars, untold hours of our lives and huge amounts of happiness in an attempt to pursue this distorted ideal.

In sum, the I Am Beautiful Project is about books and films, and workshops and seminars — and anything else I might think to create along the way – that help guide women and girls to change their perspective about the definition of beauty. Beauty is NOT the size of our waists, or the cascade of our hair. Rather, beauty is the sum of our talents, accomplishments, intellect, contribution to our families and communities, and every other measure of living a life that deeply matters.

Where did the idea of this project come from? With the creation of my first book for women, I Am Beautiful – A Celebration of Women, the hope was to give our daughters – mine and yours and every other American girl — a tangible work that they could hold onto. To expose them to images of women that are as real, interesting, diverse and beautiful as real women are. The success of this first book (that is now available in a gift edition), naturally led to creating a book just for girls: We Are More Than Beautiful.

The seed for this work, however, was planted some years before book ideas ever came into my head. When my now 23-year-old daughter was five someone asked me if she could model for a photo-shoot for a leather goods product ad. I thought this would be a fun experience, so off we went. At the time we were living in rural Connecticut. My daughter was a frog-chasing, tree-climbing nature girl almost completely free from the mass media – billboards, magazines, TV, etc. But the second the photographer bent down to take a few test shots, my little nature-girl struck a provocative pose of hip out, lips pouting and a come-hither stance, while her dumb-struck mother looked on! Where could she possibly have learned to do this? Why did she think that this is the natural relationship that a woman has with the camera? I came to believe that her weekly journey through the gauntlet of fashion magazines on the grocery check-out aisle is where she learned this “un-truth.”

Tell me about the new teen book. Who is in it? Where are they from? What stories do they tell – and how is this important to other girls who read the book? The girls in the book are ages 12 to 19, from all walks of American life, facing and exploring all types of issues with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Each girl responded to my query – “Tell me why you are beautiful.” At once, every story is unique to the individual girl’s experience, but universal to the experience of American girls everywhere. Each girl is presented with her picture in an artistically graphic and colorful layout over two pages. This presentation is, not only contemporary and exciting to girls raised in the most visually stimulating culture ever but, affords the reader to enter fully into each girls’ “world” and experience her journey of claiming her beauty.

Bottom line, experiencing other girls’ stories is important because it supports, helps and guides the reader to learn how to ask and answer that question for herself. The book creates a classical “peer” environment for sharing information, even trading secrets in a safe, supportive way. It also teaches girls to learn that they have a “right” to their sense of beauty and how to formulate conversations with their own friends on the subject.

Can the book be used by mothers with their daughters? Absolutely! My hope is that mothers and daughters will read it together and use its stories as a springboard for ongoing conversations. Conversations about:

Proof positive of this is seen in my own two daughters. Because I have been working on projects related to this subject for more than 10 years, my daughters have been raised on a nutritious and bountiful “diet” of ways to define their beauty. Like any belief or idea that one is exposed to, affirmative ideas of who they are have shaped how they see themselves. Further, 1,000 “teaching moments” over dinner conversation or watching TV or looking at magazines, have raised their awareness of how and why the media diminishes women. And, knowledge is power. Oh sure, they have “bad hair” days and times when they are knocked off their stride – just like we all do. But at their core, they have a deeper sense of self and an expansive measure of their worth to draw on. This is the gift I work to share – one girl at a time, one woman at a time.

Why do you believe that naming our beauty is so essential? When we give “voice” to anything, ascribe literal words to a thought or idea, a major shift begins to take place. It might be ever so subtle in the beginning, but in time the act evolves into a concrete declaration of fact. I also believe that we deserve to know and feel our beauty. I believe it is our right, our spiritual right. Can we reach our full potential in this one precious life we have been honored with if we are chasing an artificial ideal of our self-worth? This is the ultimate question that we must ask ourselves – and guide our young daughters looking up to us to do the same.

What else are you up to with the I Am Beautiful Project? I speak frequently to various audiences of women and girls on this subject. From colleges and universities around the country to high schools, at companies and more. These seminars and workshops are designed to dig deeper into the issues we have explored in this interview. These events are listed on my website: www.iambeautiful.com

Happy. Sad.

Most youngsters can recognize these feelings from a very early age.

However, what about the myriad of other feelings that pop up within our hearts?

Anger. Loneliness. Excitement. Jealousy. Worry. Disappointment. Anticipation

The ability to express and recognize our emotions has a tremendous impact on our lives.

Our ability to communicate with others is vastly improved; which, in turn, will boost our social and professional life.

Recognition of our feelings helps us cope with the inevitable bumps in the road we call ‘life’.

One of the greatest gifts you, as a parent, can give your child- is to teach your child the language of emotions. Your youngster will grow up to be a far better spouse, parent, and employee if he can understand and verbalize emotions.

Emotional vocabulary is the first step:

- Matching facial expressions with emotions beyond the standard ‘sad’ and ‘happy’. Example: Now Mom looks angry; Dad looks surprised. The ability to identify and name the emotion gives the chld ownership of the feeling, which will help her cope with it when the time comes.

Identifying emotional expressions is the second step:

- In addition to facial expressions, body language can communicate a feeling. Actions and words also convey emotions. When a child can connect a specific emotion to specific gestures or actions, he can better understand what other people are feeling. Example: When Mom is pacing with the phone, she is busy; if Dad is raising his voice, he is feeling angry.

Understanding the causes and effects of emotions is the third step:

- As parents, we often strive to teach our children natural causes. If you forget your homework at home, the teacher will be disappointed. If you place your glass at the edge of the table, it is likely to spill. Similarly, there are emotional rules: Jealousy always has a source; disappointment can be traced to a specific cause. Example: Because I wasn’t careful with the appliance, it broke and I am upset. Or, as a result of my persistence in a certain endeavor, I have accomplished a lot and feel proud of myself.

Helpful hints:

Make it a habit to identify emotions by name:

“Oh, my, you must be livid that Mom went shopping without you!”

“You seem to be feeling satisfied.”

“You can’t decide which one to choose? Sometimes I also feel undecided.”

“I was so worried when the carpool did not bring you home. Were you worried while you were waiting for such a long time?”

Keep in mind:

Our job as parents is not to ensure our children’s happiness.

Rather, our role is to provide our children with the tools that they need to deal life’s ups and downs.

By teaching our children the language of emotions, and sharpening their awareness of feelings, we will help them cope with whatever curve balls life may throw, and better relate to those around them.

They are the three sweetest words in our language; wonderful, special words. Yet, the interpretation of these words can be just as distinctive as our fingerprints.

Pronouncing the phrase “I love you” may be the equivalent of physical affection for you, while your child may be one who shies away from hugs and kisses.

Does that mean that there is a lack of love in your child’s heart?

No!

Your child may have another way of manifesting his love; perhaps his method of expressing affecting is giving gifts.

Imagine… that you have temporarily forgotten your native language, and your primary language has suddenly become foreign to your family- yet it contains the exact same words- albeit with different meanings! Each time your spouse requests a spoon, you hand him a hammer. When you are asked to be at 4^th Street at 3:00 you process the request in your newfangled language and wait at the corner of 13^th Avenue at 6:00.

What a mess!

Yet, if we do not take the time and emotional energy to understand our children’s language of love, a similar mess can ensue!

When we constantly give our children love in our language… they may be on the receiving end of a proverbial “hammer” instead of a “spoon”!

How can we know that the deep and profound love that we feel and express toward our children is actually reaching them?

The enlightening book, The Five Love Languages of Children, (available on Amazon or ebay) expounds on five distinct manners of expressing love. Oftentimes, members of the same family have vastly different love languages. Understanding and appreciating our children’s unique method of giving and receiving love will greatly enhance our relationship and their ability to truly feel understood and confident.

Some people seem to have 2 or more of the five characteristics, and although everyone can relate to each of the 5, there is generally one particular ‘language of love’ that really resonates with each personality.

I’ll summarize the five languages below; although my description is a drop in the bucket of what you will gain from actually reading this terrific book!

Does your child crave time alone with you and become disappointed when special time together is missed? Some children’s primary method of expressing love is by spending quality time with their loved one. Being rushed is seen as being insulted. It is essential to spend a lot of focused time with a child like this, because this is how love is internalized in their hearts.

Do you have a child that often requests rewards and just as often gives away all kinds of homemade gifts? Your child’s primary language is likely to be gift-giving- for these children giving and receiving physical items are their primary method of expressing love.

“Did I do a good job on this project?” – If you hear requests for feedback on a regular basis, your child’s main language of love is probably positive affirmations. It is through verbal strokes of his ego, complements, and sweet words of praise that this child articulates and accepts his love.

Someone whose primary love language is acts of service will view making the bed, running an errand, or taking out the trash as far more than a mundane favor. For this person, love is expressed in actions, and doing equals loving.

Do you have a child who is exceptionally cuddly? Physical affection is her language of love, where hugs, kisses, and caresses are more meaningful than any other method of expressing love.

In summary, it is so easy to be too busy to discover our children’s unique language of love- and thus spend their youth doling out power tools while their small souls are actually craving cutlery!

As a bonus, there is a chapter about understanding your spouse’s love language, which is just as important in building your healthy and loving family.

Take the time to read this enjoyable and informative book- I promise, you’ll love it!

And happy loving

Low self-esteem can take a youngster to unsavory relationships and achievement far below his or her potential, while a healthy level of confidence will guide a child to shine in so many aspects of life.

Several ideas are presented here, that you can use as a template for a curriculum to aid your child in developing his self-esteem. With that in mind, view the following suggestions as you would look at a spread of food in a cafeteria: take what appeals to you and leave the rest behind for consideration at another time.

1) Accepting Myself: My family, my strengths and weaknesses, my unique situation… My talents and my failings all serve to make me the special person that I am. Nobody is without flaws or regrets; what I do with my capabilities from now on is what is important.

2) Decision-Making: Children need guidance in making their own decisions and handling the consequences of both the good and bad decisions that have been made. It is important for them to understand instant-gratification versus long-range benefits in the bigger picture. The ability to delay immediate gain for a future yield is a sign of maturity that will boost a youngster’s self-esteem tremendously.

3) The need for help: Children can’t find all the answers on their own. A parent, teacher, grandparent, or neighbor can be an instrumental mentor to aid a child’s development in a myriad of ways. Asking for help is a a healthy sign of desire for growth, not a weakness.

4) Goal-Setting: The ability to establish and meet reasonable goals that are challenging yet achievable will be a superb springboard to longer-term aspirations. Successfully meeting a challenge encourages a person to take on further projects and strive beyond what he has already done.

5) Time-Management Skills: Despite the many time-saving appliances that fill our homes, we are busier than ever before! Learning to realistically prioritize tasks and projects is a skill that will keep overwhelming feelings at bay and serve your children well for years to come.

Use this list as a springboard for other ideas that come to mind as you broach these subjects with your child. A two-year-old will learn delayed gratification by being rewarded after the blocks have been cleaned, while a teenager will internalize the same lesson by shoveling snow to earn her new ipod. The lessons are timeless life-skills that will enable your child to handle the complicated time of growing up more effectively.

For further reading regarding your son or daughter’s self esteem, I recommend “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys” if you are a parent of a son, and “Reviving Ophelia: Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls” if you are a parent of a girl.

You know him. He’s the one that sits at his desk during recess, reading rather than going outside to play ball with his classmates.

She’s the one that makes foolish remarks when she’s with friends. She’ll say something that is exaggerated or irrelevant to the topic at hand.

He’s awkward, always bumping into things.

Her handwriting is illegible and she’s weak in math.

These are children who suffer in school and out. They’re labeled “nerds” or described as “strange.” They try to fit in, but they don’t; worse yet, the more they try, the more they fail. Their self-esteem drops, they feel rejected and lonely, and are at risk for emotional problems.

The cause of their problems is a little-known learning disability called NLD, or Nonverbal Learning Disorder. This disability is often unrecognized because those who have it are usually verbally precocious and are thought to be equally capable in all areas. In turn, parents and educators (who are unacquainted with NLD) don’t understand the reason for the child’s awkwardness or poor performance. They presume that the cause is “laziness” or boredom. Hence, years may pass before these children receive an accurate diagnosis if they do at all.

Neurological Origin

The hemispheric specialization of the brain explains the origins of Nonverbal Learning Disorder. The left hemisphere of the brain is the seat of verbal information processing. The right hemisphere, in contrast, is specialized to process visual-spatial as well as emotional information. The right hemisphere’s functions are interwoven. As Dr. Wendy Heller of the University of Illinois points out, “It requires complex visual-spatial processing to decipher the meaning of a facial expression or to understand a series of complex gestures.”¹

Assessment of individuals with NLD indicates a neurological dysfunction which affects the systems within the right hemisphere of the brain. The result is the observed discrepancy between their verbal and visuo-spatial/social skills.

Characteristics

Children with NLD have learning profiles that are characterized by strength in the verbal area and marked weakness in nonverbal functioning. The differential between these abilities leads to significant impairment in their social and academic performance.

Noteworthy is a deficiency in visual-spatial organization. Children with this learning disability often demonstrate relatively poor achievement in specific academic areas, such as mathematics, science or reading comprehension. In the early grades they may have difficulty with handwriting and cutting because of poor fine motor skills.

One of the most salient consequences of having NLD is the impairment in social functioning. Few of us realize how much of our social interactions are based on our understanding of the nonverbal cues of communication. Eye contact, hand gestures, tone of voice, body language, and posture are some of the many signals to which we attend when we speak with someone else.

Children that miss the nonverbal cues of communication² often feel uncomfortable with their peers and may gravitate toward adults, who admire their broad knowledge, or to younger children, who will gladly take direction from them.

Lastly, children with NLD may display attentional problems such as distractibility and difficulty concentrating. Accordingly, they may be diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder. Although AD/HD can co-occur with NLD, they are not synonymous. It is thus crucial to obtain an accurate diagnosis.

Treatment

Children with NLD can benefit from the following:

1. Occupational therapy to develop their fine motor and visual-motor integration skills.

2. Social skills training – whether in school, at home, or within a therapeutic setting – as a means of learning effective communication and interpersonal skills.

3. Academic support in their areas of weakness.

4. Cognitive behavioral therapy or coaching techniques to help them cope with everyday challenges.

It is important that all interventions take place within the overall context of building the child’s self-esteem. Children with NLD have often experienced much negative feedback in a variety of situations. An important part of therapeutic treatment is to help them recognize their strengths and take pride in the achievement of new skills.

Not a Childhood Illness

Like all learning disabilities, NLD does not disappear with age. Children with NLD become teenagers and adults with NLD. Their neurological weakness can thus affect their personal and professional lives. Even adults with NLD can benefit from coaching that teaches them how to compensate for their weaknesses and utilize their strengths.

People with NLD are intelligent, reliable and often highly motivated to succeed. They need only garner support, understanding and mastery of unlearned skills to do so.

Recommended Books

Dr. Steven Nowicki and Marshall Duke have written two outstanding books on children with NLD:

Helping the Child Who Doesn’t Fit In (Peachtree Publishers, 1992).

Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success (With Elisabeth Martin. Peachtree Publishers, 1996).

For adults with NLD:

What Does Everybody Else Know That I Don’t? By Michel Novotni (Specialty Press. 1999)

^{1 “}Understanding Nonverbal Learning Disability,” by Wendy Heller, Ph.D. http://www.nldontheweb.org/heller.htm.

² According to the Dr. Steven Nowicki, “one of every 10 children has significant problems with nonverbal communication” (Monitor on Psychology, September 2006, p.37).

Dr. Mona Spiegel is a Licensed Psychologist with a private practice in Rockland County, NY. She is also a Professional Coach who provides telephone sessions to women who do not need therapy but seek guidance concerning themselves or their families. She focuses on parenting issues, relationship/communication skills, and life transitions. You can reach her at 845-425-4842 or www.myfamilycoach.com.

If you were asked “What are the three top characteristic you hope to imbue in your child?” there’s a good chance that self-esteem would be one of your answers.

A healthy level of personal esteem will allow your child to seek achievement, solid relationships, and have the courage to be honest with himself and others.

In contrast, a person who is lacking self-esteem will generally not attempt to achieve more than the minimum and will often enter detrimental relationships because he does not feel deserving of better.

This feeling of value and esteem is enhanced by accomplishments. After all, how good can a person feel about himself if he shirked his responsibilities and spent his time doing nothing much?

There’s a good chance that there is somebody in your circle of influence that was dismissed from his job because a computer was able to take over his responsibilities. What a tremendous blow that must have been to his sense of self, to be relegated as irrelevant because a machine now has the capacity to do what he used to accomplish!

Imagine with me for a moment, how hundreds of cotton laborers must have felt with the invention of Eli Whitney’s cotton gin at the start of the Industrial Revolution. Wham! Their services and labor are now insignificant and useless.

The many blessings of the Industrial Revolution also brought about several negative impacts upon society. As people moved from farms to urban areas and machines took over many of the tasks humans had been busy with for centuries, children’s responsibilities lessened. Two centuries ago, the majority of children had to help out with the myriad of chores that had to be accomplished to keep a household running during that era.

While we are doubtless grateful for the ease of use of the many technological advantages we have today, the downside is that today’s children generally have few, if any, household responsibilities.

In the past, a six-year-old boy could gather the eggs of the chickens for which he cared and see tangible evidence of his toil. A young girl could sew an item of clothing and watch her creation develop into a useful and wearable dress.

Jump ahead to the present and contrast those scenarios with the activity that overtakes so much of our children’s time: Watching TV.

Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to sit at your front window for three hours a day and do nothing but watch your neighbors enjoying their lives? What if your neighbors were far wealthier, more beautiful, and had more exciting relationships than yours? And what if every single day you spent a significant amount of time at the window doing nothing but passively watching them go about their interesting activities?

What kind of feelings do you think would surface in your heart during those hours at the window? Emotions like jealousy, inferiority, and lack of self-esteem would likely be at the forefront of your feelings.

After spending an hour or two watching TV, how much personal esteem can be gained by our children from their couch-potato-activity? Television turns a naturally active child from a creator and accomplisher into a passive spectator of other people’s lives.

Other people’s lives that are not based on anything remotely related to reality, no matter how many reality shows are broadcast! TV characters lives are painted in vivid neon hues, far more colorful than the natural rainbow of colors that is real life.

When you look at the transition in children’s lives over the past centuries- from playing an integral, active role in a family’s household in a meaningful way, to becoming an inactive robot with eyes glued to a flashing screen for hours a day, is it any wonder that self-esteem levels have plummeted drastically?

Go ahead and turn of the TV and write down a family contract with a workable and realistic TV schedule that allows 60 minutes or less of viewing time on weeknights.

Then, together with your child, get creative.

Look for activities that entertain, build skills, and have tangible results. Help your child with a new craft project, and display the finished result prominently. Volunteer together at a children’s shelter and watch the disadvantaged children’s eyes light up with the gifts of your old games. Take up gardening together, and relish the farm-fresh taste of the fruits and vegetables of your joint handiwork.

Please share other ideas for activities that have real results and yield a true boost in self-esteem below!

It’s the familiar prelude to a power struggle between parent and child.

One of the most common complaints heard from parents is that their children don’t listen to them.

“I have to scream before he will even pay attention to me!” (That child has learned that the parent need not be heeded until a specific decibel has been reached.)

Or:

“I’ve got to tell her at least five times before she’ll do what she’s told!” (This child understands, based upon past experience, which the parent need not be taken seriously until the fifth time.)

Yelling and constant repetition make not a happy home. In fact, they create an atmosphere of strife and confrontation.

Prior to addressing the issue of power struggles, it is important to understand that the manner that a child perceives himself is different from an adult’s personal perspective.

While an average American tourist in a Third World country may be viewed as fabulously wealthy and any adult standing in a preschool class appears big and strong, the reality is that that wealth and strength is only relative to the person’s external trappings.

An emotionally healthy adult is capable of tapping into his inner views and values and respect himself no matter what is goes on in his surroundings.

By contrast, a child has not yet acquired a strong sense of personal identity and esteem. As a result, children use their surroundings as a barometer as to who they are. Their measurement of self-worth is defined by what is happening around them, and they take their cues from their interactions with others.

Now we can understand a fundamental underpinning of confrontations: Children would rather die than lose.

In the heat of a power struggle, a child is extremely intent on winning the battle at hand because he equates obedience with defeat. When a child hears, “Get into bed right NOW!” he has a great emotional investment in not obeying and thus not viewing himself as the loser of this battle.

Therefore, it is best to avoid confrontations as often as possible. What can we do to minimize confrontations, and how can we handle them when they are unavoidable?

1) Poor planning, rushing, and emergencies are prime times for power struggles. While raising children it is normal for the house to resemble a “madhouse”, it is often with a parent’s control to make wiser plans to reduce tension and lower the probability of confrontations.

Take the extra time to get up early, leave on a trip an hour before the last minute, and prepare activities, food, and clothing the evening before it is needed. You will reap the rewards of a calmer family and be less likely to find yourself demanding, “Get into the car right now!”

2) New situations demand proper preparation and explanation for a child. For example, prior to going to the mall (if that’s an unusual occurrence) it is incumbent upon a parent to map out the itinerary to the child. For example, “First we’ll be shopping for clothing, and I’ll try on a few things in a dressing room. Then, we will be taking pictures and you’ll sit on a blanket on a table and the photographer will ask you to smile and let you hold your teddy bear. If you behave well, and that means, staying close to me and not whining, we will buy you a treat after the pictures.”

Notice how this parent spelled out her expectations and clearly outlined exactly what good behavior is required in order to earn the reward.

Older children, too, need preparation for new situations that will be encountered such as vacations, visits to relatives, and community events that are new to them.

3) The self-esteem of the parent is of paramount importance in avoiding confrontations. If a parent’s suffers from low self-esteem, she may be tempted to “win” the argument with her child in order to prove to herself that she is in charge. The emotional “war” between the child and parent- both of whom are attempting to assert themselves is detrimental to both participants.

This is another valuable reason why parents must have their own inner sense of self-worth; which will allow them to be in a position to be firm without their ego getting in the way.

4) Poor sleep and diet are a major contributor to confrontations.

You know what happens to yourself when you haven’t eaten well or slept properly. Can you expect any different from a child? Enough said!!

5) Prior to putting a strain on a relationship, it is essential to nurture and develop that relationship’s positive side.

When you have a close relationship with your child a confrontation will not feel like a “put down” to the child. He is more likely to be understanding of his parent’s need, and not feel like he is “losing”, as a result of the closeness that is generally shared.

6) Distraction can work wonders. Young children are easily distracted by anything mildly unusual. A line I once invented to distract my son was, “Oh, no, it looks like a bunny rabbit bit off your tail!” For many months, saying that with mock horror could bring forth peals of laughter and make him forget that he was in the middle of refusing to get into the bathtub!

Offering a new choice can distract an older child from the issue at hand and lower the intensity of the confrontation substantially. When your teenager is balking at attending an event with the family, you can say, “Honey, it’s your choice. You can come with us right now and I’ll take you shopping in the afternoon, or you can stay home and we won’t be going shopping later. I’m not here to argue with you. It’s your choice, please decide within one minute, the whole family is waiting to leave.”

7) Find the pattern. Jot down a short note to yourself every time you have a confrontation with your child. After several weeks you will likely notice a pattern that has preempted the power struggles.

Do they generally happen in a specific location? At a certain time of the day? When your child is hungry or tired?

Finding a common denominator will allow you to work backwards to eliminate that source of stress on thus lessen the confrontations in your home.

Peace!!

After World War II, orphans living in a clean, hygienic and basically attentive facility did not thrive. In fact, almost half of infants died, despite apparently having all basic needs met. It turned out that the infants needed a meaningful relationship with a caring, and involved adult in order to survive, grow and thrive. Since then, we have learned that Human Growth Hormone (HGH) is released in a manner directly proportional to the amount of caring attention the child receives.

How many times have you said, “Oh, s/he just wants attention!”

YES!

S/he does just want attention and s/he legitimately needs it.

The power of the attention children get is that whatever you pay attention to is a behavior that is reinforced – that is, behavior the adult notices and responds to is more likely to be repeated again than ignored or unnoticed behaviors.

Be honest … when do you give the most attention and the most focused and intense attention?

When children are acting out or showing MIS-behaviors – right? So, each time your child does something you DON’T want to see again, you reinforce the behavior by strongly reacting to it, right?

Oops! Did you ever realize this? I didn’t as a parent. I heard myself yelling,

“How many times have I told you … ?”

Well, the more times I noticed that behavior and responded strongly, the more likely my children were to repeat it. I was a busy mom. I worked, ran the household, had friends, and the easiest people to ignore [at times] and the most annoying [at times] were my little children.

The odd thing, hard for adults to remember is that giving unpleasant or negative attention will NOT eliminate the behavior. Rather, it strengthens it. The intensity of reaction and the reliable immediate response are the most effective in making behavior occur again because – back to the top – children legitimately need attention to survive.

Nature has equipped children to do statistics and a quick analysis of their own experiences. When do they ‘bug’ you most?

When you are on the phone?

When you want to focus on shopping?

When you are chatting with another adult?

Ahhh – yes, when they don’t have your attention.

So, what does this mean? It means that you DO have to give strong focused attention when something has happened that you like and want to see again. Catch them doing what you want! Make meaningful, descriptive statements about their efforts – not outcomes, when they are engaged in constructive, creative, artistic endeavors. Make meaningful descriptive statements about cooperation, about helping others, about being able to spend a few minutes alone without interrupting your phone call.

Create those quality moments or better yet, minutes of just attending to your child or focusing on what s/he wants following WANTED BEHAVIOR.

If you do this consistently for a few days you will begin to see changes. Children want nothing more than your approval. If you show that approval by giving focused and meaningful attention to constructive behaviors, they will repeat those behaviors.

There are a few things happening when you do this. Children are reassured that you ‘see’ them–really see them–and what they are doing. It forces you to pay attention to specifically what they are doing and to think enough about it to make an intelligent comment about it.

The comments help children to think in more complex ways about their activity and capability and may even enlarge their vocabulary. When they get the attention they need, they will give back by lowering the demand that comes out of feelings of neglect.

Notice that I have used the phrase: descriptive feedback above. This is NOT PRAISE!

Saying “Good Job” without saying what you are approving leads to two conclusions by the child:

1) you really are not paying attention, you are just getting me off your back;

2) something I did was a ‘good job’, but I don’t know what, so I will have to do a number of things I did recently to test which one was ‘good’.

Descriptive feedback shows that you actually paid attention to what the child did. It means you noticed the effort or time spent and commented on the effort rather than judged the outcome.

How do I do this, you ask?

Really pay attention to what the child did and avoid using judgment words like: good, great, beautiful, bad, ugly, etc. In my Early Childhood Development classes, students are not allowed to use the words “good” or “bad”. This is the rule to force them to use more descriptive language that has shared meaning. What does ‘good’ mean? What does ‘bad’ mean? We all have different values and ideas regarding those ideas.

If the child has made a drawing or painting, you can say:

“Wow, I see that you put a lot of time into that art. I can count five different colors in the one painting. I wonder what you were thinking when you combined those two colors?”

OR

“You did that painting really fast. There are some famous artists that also use mostly one color just like you did here. Is that color special to you in some way?”

If the child has been kind to someone else:

“I feel so proud of you when you are patient with your sister/brother. I know he/she can be annoying sometimes, but I see you are getting more patient now.”
Etc., etc., etc.

Adults often feel they don’t have the time to slow down and focus on the child. However, it is when you have the least time that it is most important. If you provide that 15 minutes of quality, focused attention –sometimes called ‘want-nothing-time’ by experts like Magda Gerber – you will earn half an hour without interruption following that 15 minutes. If you do this regularly, the rare times you cannot pay attention will pass almost unnoticed by your child because he/she is not hungry for attention.

Be sure to tell your child, “WOW, you let me focus on my project/work/phone call for a long time. I really appreciate that you are able to wait now. That is an important skill for people as they get older and it looks like you are learning it.”

Don’t forget that children always do the best they can, just like you try to do. When they do something wrong it is more likely because they lack the specific skills to do it right than to annoy you. Giving descriptive feedback to children of any age or capability becomes a ‘teachable moment’ rather than an argument or power struggle.

Discipline means to teach. Teach them the skills by demonstrating them. Patience with their challenges and belief in their ability to learn will result in cooperation, motivation and high self-esteem.

By Kathy Kelley

Kathy is an Early Childhood Development Instructor at Chabot Community College in Hayward, California. She has three children and even the baby is off to college – she always wishes she had some of that childhood time back again.  Kathy can be reached at kkelley AT samplehead DOT com

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Raising kids with a healthy dose of self-esteem is one of the main goals parents have. In addition to a favorable attitude toward spending time with your child, which is the key to kids’ self-esteem, a fair dose of praise is effective in developing their self-image.

What kind of praise results in a happy and confident child? And which type of praise yields an arrogant and self-centered child?

Praise what the child did, not who the child is.

When your son arrives home from school holding his math test marked with 100%, resist the urge to express how smart and intelligent he is. Rather than exclaiming, “Wow, darling, you are brilliant!” a preferential statement would be, “Wow, darling, you knew the math so well, you did really well!”

The technical differences between praising the child’s identity, versus praising their actions may seem insignificant to some parents, yet the conclusions are powerful.

When a mother tells their daughter with a straight-A report-card, “Oh, sweetheart, you are just brilliant!” the girl believes that this is an integral part of her identity. However, what happens when next semester’s report-card is peppered with B’s and C’s? Who is she at this point? What if she were to meet a classmate whose report card showed only A+’s? That can lead her to confusion and questioning about who she really is.

On the other hand, when Mom responds to the straight-A report card with, “Oh, sweetheart, you did an incredible job in all your subjects, this is fantastic!” the praise remains with the girl forever. No one can ever take away the things she did in the past, and the accomplishments that she has done.

Keep on praising their actions, and you’ll raise a winner!

The psychologist giving the lecture opened the session by asking us what the single most important aspect of parenting is, regarding raising children with a healthy self-esteem.

Assorted answers rang through the crowd.

“Give ‘em lots of hugs and kisses.”

“React to their good and bad actions positively.”

“Praise often and criticize rarely.”

“These were all excellent parenting tips,” Dr. D reassured us, “but what is the essential key to raising children who have great self-esteem?”

More parents called out various parenting advice, until the good Doctor silenced the crowd.

“There is one factor that will determine a child’s level of self-esteem. Parents can mess up in any other area, but if they mess up in this one area, the child is doomed to a low self-image. This is psychological math, it is the reason why children grow up feeling good about themselves.”

We all waited with baited breath, as the psychologist continued.

“The single most important aspect of parenting is conveying the message to your children that they are the source of your joy. They are the reason for your happiness, NOT a deterrent to it!”

He went on to demonstrate this principle with a story. He was visiting a friend who was describing a horrible incident that had recently occurred. She referred to the terrible day as a “snow day”. On that awful snow day, she had been trapped with all three of her children in their home for a period of twenty-four hours. Dr. D expounded upon how the children, who had been listening nearby, had felt.

When children feel that they are a deterrent to their parent’s happiness, they feel unworthy and badly about themselves.

Imagine if you came home early from work, and met your spouse in the living room, who looked up and remarked, “Oh, Honey, I was really hoping for some peace and quiet here this afternoon, why don’t you go on over to hang out at a friend’s house?”

How would you feel? Do you feel valued? Appreciated? Highly regarded?

Obviously not. The same feelings of rejection are experienced by children who are greeted upon their arrival home from school with, “Sweetheart, I’m really busy now, why don’t you play in the basement?” Or at Sammy’s house, or outside, or upstairs, or ANYWHERE BUT HERE!

Greeting a child who comes home from school with love and attention is one of the integral keys to raising psychologically sound kids.

Your children know that you are busy. You’ve told them so thousands of times! When you take the time and energy to focus upon them, they feel valued and esteemed.

Remember- how do children spell “love”? T-I-M-E!