Questions & Answers about lying, tantrums, and divorce issues

Today’s answers are provided by a new member of the RaisingSmallSouls team, welcome aboard, Odelia!

Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Question: My son, who is ten years old often lies or distorts the truth. Most of the time I can’t prove it even though I have a gut feeling about it. We recently had an argument in which he told me that since I couldn’t provide any evidence that he was lying, that I had no right to accuse him of any wrongdoing. I was telling a colleague of mine about what happens and he felt that my son should always respectfully defer to me even if I’m wrong and that I should put my foot down and insist upon it. I feel confused about whether to follow my feeling that he is lying or if I should give him the benefit of the doubt. What do you say?
Signed: Got a Bad Feeling

Answer: Dear Got a Bad Feeling

Kids tell “lie” for at least five different reasons. Sometimes kids may see things differently, and their perception may appear as a distortion of the truth. Then there are kids who tell made up stories as an expression of their imagination. This is not done in order to be deceitful; rather it is a part of childish fantasy. Some lies are told in order to avoid disappointing parents (or teacher) and to avoid getting in trouble. Sometimes kids are trying to manipulate, and they rely on various fabrications to do so.

Without knowing your son, or the specific tales he tells, it is impossible for me to even venture a guess as to what is actually going on. Like I detailed earlier, this can be as innocuous as childish fantasy, or immature perception, or it could be the real deal. It’s important to understand what sort of “lies” are told, in order to know how best to deal with it.

If what you are dealing with is immaturity, well believe it or not, kids do grow up, and their perceptions and conversation become less imaginative (sigh). If your child is lying to you so you won’t be angry with him, then you need to put some serious effort into building open communication and trust between you two. Kids who have healthy relationships with their parents are generally less likely to lie to them in order to get out of chores, or in order to sneak off to their girlfriend’s house on a school night. That’s not to say that they won’t ever do that. Even “good” teens need to try out their wings and test boundaries a little. At ten, your son is probably developmentally in that no man’s land between being a child and an adolescent.

From the tone of your letter it seems that not only don’t you trust your child but, he knows it too. If you expect your child to try to pull one over you- he has too! It’s already expected of him, so why tell the truth?!

Personally, I think your colleague’s advice will only exacerbate the problem. Certainly children must speak to parents respectfully, and parents should insist on it. Asking a child to always defer to you, even when you are wrong, is actually giving them the green light to lie. The message that many kids will hear from the parent with this attitude is “Always tell me what I want to hear”. The goal is to foster an environment where children, (and pre-teens) can tell their parents anything without being afraid. This does not mean that there are no consequences. What it does mean is that even if a kid goofed, or messed up, their parents will still support them.

You say that you don’t know whether to follow your feeling… or give him the benefit of the doubt. I would recommend spending more time with this child. Talk to him. Do things together. Get to really know him and his world. Most importantly, listen. Don’t judge, just listen. Don’t expect results overnight. It may take time to build trust. He needs to feel he can trust you with the truth. You need to trust him to tell the truth.

I wish you and you son the best of luck!

Question: I am the proud parent of two beautiful boys one is 8 and one is 3 almost 4. The oldest is a well rounded extremely intelligent child. My youngest is equally intelligent but outrageously strong willed. My most pressing question is how to deal with his strong willed nature without breaking his spirit. Everything is a confrontation and or a stand-off. Fits are a daily occurrence and quite frankly, I’m at my wits end. HELP!!!!!

Signed: Losing It

Answer: Dear Losing It,

The terrible twos last long after age two. There is the terrible threes, and terrible fours…The thing to remember is that at this age children are learning to exert their independence, and this sort of behavior is age appropriate, and an expected stage in development.

When a baby is born, it is so connected to mother it is difficult to differentiate the two as separate entities. When baby cries, mother feeds. If baby doesn’t nurse when expected, mother becomes engorged and uncomfortable. We call this stage symbiosis, when ones need flow into the other and vice versa. As the baby grows he will slowly begin to see himself as his own being. Around age two/ three this becomes especially apparent. Hence the exertion of control and words like “No!”, and “Mine!” become all too common.

This sort of struggle for independence, showing parents how grown up they are, and the increased need for control repeats itself during the teen age years. Beware! This is an unsophisticated version of what lies ahead!

I have to say I am impressed with your desire to deal with his strong will without breaking his spirit. Here is a good trick for 3 year olds.

Give him choices. Always let him feel that he is in control since he is making decisions for himself. So if it’s an argument over clothes in the morning let him chose between the blue or black pants. He cannot pick the light blue summer shorts, but he can decide between the blue or black winter pants. Make sure both choices acceptable to you. You get an end result that serves your purpose, and he feels “really big”. This helps you avoid arguments, and it’s a win- win situation. Make sure to offer choices so that it does not turn into a stand-off.

If you find yourself already engaged in a confrontation, although not ideal, you can still salvage the situation using the same technique. “Either you can walk out with me, or I will carry you out. Either way, it’s time to leave.” Once he feels that it’s up to him, nine times out of ten he will make a good choice.

(Incidentally, this technique works on husbands as well. If you let him feel like he is making the decision, he won’t accuse you of nagging. Men are more likely to follow through when they feel like this was their plan.)

Another important thing to keep in mind, is that if you are feeling frustrated, your three year old is definitely picking up on it, and milking it for what it is worth. If you feel overwhelmed, it’s ok to leave the room for a few breather moments before returning to deal with the issue at hand. It’s also important to invest in some “mommy time”, so that you can replenish your reserves, and have enough energy to deal with your young and active children.

Good luck with your ‘little man”!

Question: I am a single parent who currently shares 50% custody of my 3 daughters ages 3, 5, and 8. (I am also an elementary teacher.)

My question is this: Recent conversations with my daughters have given me information about their ‘home’ life with their father. In anger he lashes out at them, often calling them terrible names. How do I give them strategies to deal with his behavior?

Signed: Concerned about the other 50%

Answer: Dear Concerned About the Other 50%

It is very difficult for me to answer without knowing more about your situation. You mention that you share custody of your children. I do not know for instance, what sort of relationship the two of you have, and can you discuss co parenting issues openly, or not. You also didn’t provide a time frame of how recent the divorce or separation is, and how the children have adjusted to spending half their time with each parent.

If your relationship with the children’s father involves open communication, you can perhaps broach the topic in a non accusatory way, that the kids mentioned that he seems rather stressed. Anything you should know about, and does he need some time for himself?

Your letter does not indicate if he calls all of them names, or is it one or two of the children? Do they all feel this way about their time with him, or are there different shades of hurt or disappointment that they have experienced individually.

You can explain to your kids that although parents love their children, they don’t always express it. On the contrary sometimes even adults can say mean things. If someone calls them names, yells at them, or otherwise hurts their feelings, they need to say something. They don’t have to just accept it, but should tell that person, even if it’s a parent that they hurt their feelings, and that they will not be spoken to that way.

If you are concerned that this behavior is bordering verbal and or emotional abuse, you need to find a qualified child therapist who has experience working with children of divorce. There may be a number of different undercurrents at play here, and it’s important to have someone who can tease out what is actually going on. If he is treating them poorly, then they definitely need professional help to deal with it.

It’s important for you to recognize that whatever you hear from them is tainted by your own experiences with this man. You cannot possibly posses the objectivity necessary here in order to help them effectively.

The one thing you can do is make sure to speak to them with respect, and insist that they treat each other and you the same. Make sure that you let them know how special they are, as individuals, and how special they are to you. Make sure that your home is a warm safe haven where they can feel good about themselves, and feel free to discuss whatever is bothering them.

If they complain about their father, you can listen, be empathic, and then recommend that they discuss it in therapy. You need to be careful not to criticize their father, because he is a part of who they are. If you put him down, inevitably it will be interpreted as an inadequacy in them. Surely you would not want to make them feel badly about themselves.

Dealing with these post divorce issues can be complicated, and I feel for you. It may be helpful to join a support group for other single moms like yourself. It’s not easy advising when there is so much that is unknown. I hope this has been helpful for you.