My Child’s Violent Threats

Question: I am the mother of identical twin boys, age 5 but soon to be 6. I’m not sure if you can help me, however perhaps you can direct me to someone who can help me. My boys are in the Early Intervention Kindergarten Program. The reason they are in this program is because they were speech delay when they were younger. Today I got a letter sent home stating that one of the twins was threatening the teacher. What triggered this may sound silly, however the teacher asked him to change a Capital letter to a lower case letter. He became angry and told the teacher “I’m going to bring a weapon to school tomorrow”. The teacher spoke to him about what a threat was and told him he would go to the principal if he made any other threat. He then held his pencil in his fist, aimed it at the teacher, and said “I’m going to stab you”.

On Tuesday there was an incident that two substitute teachers were in, and he told the classroom assistant he was going to bring his stapler to school to get her. He was sent to the principal’s office. I don’t know what was said at the principals office, however there was note that said if he continued with threats or physical aggression it may result in an out of school suspension.

Needless to say this is very disturbing to us. Any advice on this kind of behavior would be greatly appreciated.

Concerned about “Homeland Security”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Concerned,

I feel as though I am only getting a small piece of the picture, and it is challenging for me to give advice without knowing all the factors. For instance, you write that your son is a twin. I do not know how his brother reacted to any of this, or if he contributed in any way. You write about some scary behavior at school, but do not say what his behavior is like at home. I also can’t tell if this is the first time he made such violent threats, if he ever acts on them, or what is his baseline frustration/ tolerance level?

Despite this, I will provide some general guidelines.

The boys are five, almost six years old. At this age behavior is often modeled from others in his environment. When I hear of a young child behaving aggressively there are a few questions that come to mind. Is he exposed to violence on TV, movies or video games? There are many studies linking observing aggression, and learned behavior. One of the most famous studies is by Bandura a classical learned behavior theorist. He observed that children behaved most aggressively after watching aggressive cartoons, more so than other TV aggression or even a short segment of real life aggression. Keeping this in mind, I would take a second look at what he is watching, and limit him to more child-friendly shows and video games.

I also would like to know if anyone is bullying him. Kids who were victimized this way, may turn the tables in order to feel strong and in control.

How is misbehavior dealt with in your home? Children who are punished with corporal punishment, are very likely to behave aggressively in school.

You mentioned a speech delay. Is your son better able to express himself now? Unfortunately, kids who have difficulty communicating verbally may become very frustrated. It is not unusual for a child like this to lash out, out of anger and frustration.

Last but not least, what about his twin? Identical twins are very close and often share feelings and experiences. If this behavior is apparent with only one of the boys, it may be indicative of a unique situation that he faces, as apposed to something more innate in their wiring.

Certainly, your son needs to understand that this sort of behavior is harmful, and that people can get hurt. I agree with the zero tolerance attitude in today’s schools, even with young kids.

Defiant 8-year-old

Dear RaisingSmallSouls,

Question: Our 8 year old has become so defiant lately, to the point of swearing and telling us to shut up. He gets a wide range of vocabulary from the school bus.

We have tried to be patient and ignore his outbursts. This has only made the swearing seem more impulsive and it comes so easily now. We have taken items away from him, and he has to earn them back with good behavior. He doesn’t care.

We have tried to send him to his room and he runs away from us. We are an older couple- reaching 50, and we just don’t know what other kind of discipline to use on him anymore. We are at our wits end.
Heeelllp ….

Answer:

By: Odelia Schlisser

Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear Heeelllp!!

Mark Twain wrote “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty one, I was astonished by how much he had learned in seven years.”

Right now it seems your son thinks he knows best and so do the other kids. The good news is that this sort of attitude is usually outgrown.

The part that worries me is his impulsivity and seeming lack of self control. There could be a number of different explanations for this sort of behavior. I think you need to talk with the school counselor, and the child’s pediatrician in order to find an appropriate child mental health professional. There are a number of different childhood issues or disorders that involve these behaviors, and I strongly advise you get it checked out.

I can hear the desperation in your letter, and I have to point out that this is a glimpse into the inner life of your child. Kids who act this way feel out of control. This sounds like a call for help.

I want you to understand that this is probably not just intended to drive you nuts. There may be something in this kid wiring that causes him to implode. Fortunately there are sound interventions for these sorts of issues.

I would also advise you not to punish him by taking things away. This can exacerbate an already out of control situation. You may want to try some behavior modification techniques. For instance you can set up a chart with different parts of the day. Every time he behaves for a set amount of time he gets a star. If he has an outburst, he does not, but can try again during the next time frame. It’s best that the time frames not be longer than an hour or two at most. Then make up a reward system, so if he gets three stars a day he gets a small treat. The idea is that you want to positively reinforce his good behavior. Studies show that this is far more effective than punishment.

If you think he would be embarrassed, or laugh at the star chart, keep a private hourly log on a notepad for yourself. Make sure to treat him and encourage him for an outburst free hour.

I know this seems counter-intuitive. You may even feel angry, or that this goes against the grain. You may be thinking “Reward him-no way!!” Trust me I have worked with many kids from all different backgrounds, and all sort of issues. I have observed far more success with this technique, and others like it, than with punishments.
Have him evaluated and remember-positive encouragement!!

You may also find this book by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D. helpful: 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child’s Difficult Behavior

Raise your hand if you never yell!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

Part 1 of a two-part poll I conduct with my audiences: “Raise your hand if you were reared by a mother who never yelled, yet you consistently obeyed her. To clarify, your mother may have raised her voice emphatically on occasion, but never broke the sound barrier with it.”

In a recent audience of slightly more than 500 people in Albuquerque, I estimated that some 150 hands went up. My “average” audience member is 30-something. He/she was probably born in the mid-’60s, as the transition from values-based to self-esteem-based parenting was taking place. My impression is that most of those upraised hands belong, however, to the older people in the crowd, those reared – in all likelihood – by parents who were guided by tradition rather than the “book.”

Part 2: “Now, raise your hand if you are a woman with children still living at home and you can honestly say your children obey you as well as you obeyed your mother, and you have never yelled.”

Immediately, there is general laughter, as if the very idea of a calm, in control mother is absurd. It’s rare, of course, for even one hand to go up. The contrast proves that the periodic emotional meltdowns which are all-too-typical of today’s mothers have nothing to do with motherhood per se. Rather, these guilt-inducing meltdowns are a sign of the times. Why are today’s moms, compared with yesterday’s, much more likely to yell at their children? In answer, I propose:

First, yesterday’s typical mom wasn’t trying to be all things her children. She expected them to be independent, to stay out from “underfoot,” to fight their own battles, to lie in the beds they made, to stew in their own juices, etc. Today’s typical mom, by contrast, has entered into a co-dependent relationship with her children. She fights her children’s battles, lies in the beds they make, and stews in their juices. This alone puts her under considerably more stress than, in all likelihood, her mother ever experienced in the context of rearing children.

Second, yesterday’s typical mom wasn’t trying to be a friend to her kids. She didn’t much care, if she cared at all, what they thought about her decisions. Today’s typical mom is trying to have a “wonderful relationship” with her children. She wants to be liked, if not to be their very best friend. Ergo, she worries about what they think of her. Ergo, she is afraid to make them upset. Ergo, she minces her words and flinches when it comes to consequences. Ergo, she has more discipline problems with her children than her mother even thought possible. Ergo, she is more frustrated. Ergo, she yells.

Third, today’s mom believes the most committed mom is the most frenetic mom. She races her children from one after-school activity to another, arranges their social calendar, helps with their homework, and so on, ad infinitum. She has virtually no life of her own outside of her preoccupation with the never-ending (in her own mind) chores of child rearing. If she works outside the home, she’s attempting to perform these child-rearing “necessities” in one-fourth the time she would otherwise have available to perform them. (Not that they should be performed under any circumstances, mind you.) As will be the case whenever someone over-focuses on any one thing/task, today’s mom tends to be tense rather than relaxed. A stress attack is never more than a hitch away.

No, yelling and being a mother do not go hand in hand. Yelling at one’s children is the predictable consequence of trying to conform to a nouveau standard of “good mothering” that is, was, and will forever be bogus and self-defeating. The problem is not one of gender, but of choices. The good news, then, is that any time she so chooses, a mother who yells can transform herself into a mother who does not yell. All it takes is letting go.

Targeted Behavior Problems

by James Lehman, MSW

For many children, behavior problems are not universal; they’re targeted. Targeted at dad, at mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at a sibling. The following two case studies reveal how normally charming and compliant children can become defiant or even abusive with one person in the family. James Lehman examines why this happens and what parents can do about it.

Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she was confident that her three kids would grow to love David as much as she did. Her oldest daughter, Danielle (16), had never really warmed up to David, but she thought she’d come around. Danielle had always been a sweet and pretty resilient kid. Lisa was wrong. Within a few weeks after the wedding, Danielle’s behavior toward David became openly hostile. If he so much as tried to assert himself in a parenting role, Danielle would blow up. After one epic argument involving curfew, she stopped speaking to David altogether—and hasn’t uttered a word to him in the last two years. Danielle will speak to everyone in the family, except David, who remains the object of her unending wrath.

Case study #2: People who know Brian, Susan and their four children always tell them they look like “the perfect family” and compliment them on how polite their children are. But inside their home, they are far from perfect. Their 15-year-old son Jacob is a tyrant, particularly toward his mother and his youngest brother. He uses intimidating language with Susan and is physically abusive with six-year-old Tyler. “Jacob is all smiles when we’re in public,” says Susan. “But when we come home, he turns into this whole different kid.”

Kids recognize and deal with people in different ways almost from birth. As infants, they respond differently to their mother, a caregiver or a family friend. This continues into childhood and adolescence. They recognize the differences in adults, and those differences often fall into two categories. Which adults have power and which adults don’t have power? Which adults can you manipulate with bad behavior and which adults can you not manipulate? As kids grow up, they recognize which adults cannot follow through on consequences, which ones accept their excuses for inappropriate behavior and which ones buy them things to win their allegiance. They learn which adult is always making excuses for them and which one sets limits.

When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a stepparent or a sibling. On the surface, you won’t see the kid getting anything out of this targeted behavior. It’s not like he gets out of a consequence by calling his mother abusive names. He does it because he feels like a zero, and when he can bully his mother, he feels powerful. He feels weak and shaky about himself and lacks self-confidence. When he puts her down, he gets self-confidence. It’s a simple, basic behavioral dynamic.

To understand what kids get out of this, imagine you have a boss that you don’t like. Let’s say that boss is a constant pain in the neck for you. How often do you dream about telling him off? You imagine what it would be like to tell him off and think about how great you’ll feel. It probably will feel great for fifteen seconds, until you figure out how you’re going to find another job. It’s the same thing for these kids. They are telling off their boss, and they get the same sense of gratification out of it. To make it even better, they get to tell their boss off every day. In Danielle’s case, she has been telling off the boss for two years.

When children target a parent with their inappropriate behavior, they have most likely seen that there is a division in how the parents deal with the child—that the parents are not in alliance. They get two different messages from the parents, and they get power by picking on the weaker of the two parents, confronting the parent who challenges their power base or lashing out at the parent they deem is “unfair.” Children who target parents or siblings by acting out often don’t have high self-esteem. They are afraid to feel certain things or be confronted with certain situations. So they try to control people by making one of the parents or a sibling a victim.

When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a step parent or a sibling.

It’s a natural reaction for parents to become divided when this targeted behavior is going on in the family. Parents become angry at the child and at each other. It’s somehow easier for parents to argue with each other over the child’s behavior than it is to demand that the child change. But this is exactly what parents need to avoid. Parents have to join together and decide what they’re going to do—together—when the child is abusive. Whether both parents witness it or not, both parents have to say, “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Say this directly, clearly and firmly to the child who is acting out. Don’t look to blame the other kids in the family. Don’t blame each other. Put the responsibility for the behavior back on the child who is acting out.

Whether you are parenting the child as parents, step parents or foster parents, the most important word to remember is “We.” In Danielle’s case, when she rejects her stepfather, she is rejecting is the authority figure that he represents. Lisa shouldn’t try to shoulder the burden of this conflict alone, and David should neither withdraw from the parenting role to avoid conflict nor incite it by getting into shouting matches with Danielle. Lisa and David need to stand together and be very clear with Danielle, saying, “We are both your parents. And if you act in a disrespectful way with either one of us, you will be held equally accountable.”

The case of Jacob reminds me of my days working in youth detention centers. One day I remember asking a kid, “Do you curse at the staff in here?” And he said no. I asked him, “Why not? You curse at your mother.” Kids know who has the authority and who doesn’t. The kid in the detention center knew the staff members had authority and wouldn’t put up with being cursed at. His mom didn’t have authority over him, so he cursed her. What Brian and Susan need to realize is that Jacob understands if he disrespects people outside the home, the consequences will be clear, swift and uncomfortable. So when he disrespects his mother or his little brother, the consequences should also be clear, swift and uncomfortable. They need to observe what is different and what works about his behavioral responses outside the home and apply those things to their home.

The child who bullies specific people in the home has to learn the skills it takes to feel powerful and competent in more age appropriate ways. Parents should address two things:

1. They need to help the child develop specific social skills in the areas of conflict resolution, negotiation and compromise.
2. Parents have to work together to set clear and powerful limits to manage the behavior, always remembering to be united and use the word “we.”

The end result is that the child learns more skills to manage his feelings and not to abuse one person or take things out on them. He learns to manage those feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness, confusion and helplessness himself. When parents teach these skills and kids learn them, both sides end up happier. Even though the child doesn’t get his way as often and even though the parent has to work at it a bit, they both feel happier because they know things are working in the family. In The Total Transformation Program, I provide parents with a step-by-step way to teach these life skills to your children.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: The War at Home

Here is what parents are saying about “The Autism and ADHD Diet“, which many parents have found useful to use as an Oppositional Defiant Disorder Diet as well:

I read this book in a couple of hours. Once I started,is was like a great mystery, I couldn’t wait til the next chapter. Ms. Silberberg has written a touching, funny and realistic guide that anybody can use and understand. Not only does she give you lists of items you can purchase but she also gives you detailed information about where to find these items. And if that isn’t enough, she has even given us recipes.

I wish I had this book when we first changed our diet! Barrie does an amazing job of explaining a sometimes complicated subject in understandable terminology. (For example, she walks the reader through the basics of label reading which for most people can be overwhelming in the beginning). I can’t recommend this book enough!

This is a wonderful book if you are starting the diet and don’t know where to begin. That is my family – we have struggled for years with my son’s autism and ADHD and finally committed to the diet. I purchased this book and never looked back. Barrie has listed many great resources and helps “non-cooks” like me navigate this new world. I have several other Autism and Diet books – and this is the one that is dog eared and used the most. Well worth the time and $$$. Barrie – please keep this book updated with frequent editions!

When Hunter was a baby, Pat never imagined parenting him would mean becoming trapped in an argument that would last 15 years. From the time he was old enough to express himself, it seemed that he was looking for a fight with her.

“He’s a very strong-willed person,” says Pat, her polite demeanor belying an obvious understatement. “He’s manipulative, and he learned at a very young age how to make that work for him to get what he wanted.”

“The simplest things always seem to turn into huge problems because Hunter simply refuses to do what he is asked to do, whether it was brushing his teeth at age five, or raking the yard at age 15. The word ‘no’ lights his fuse, especially when in response to something he wants to do. He’s always doing these irritating things,” Pat explains, “as if he enjoys bothering you.”

Getting out of bed in the morning is the issue around which Hunter and his parents argue the most. “We’ve had the worst time in the world getting him up in the morning and into the shower. I know this is unbelievable, but he gets in the shower, stretches out in the bottom of the tub with the water beating on him, and goes back to sleep. From that moment on, we have to micromanage his morning to get him to the bus stop.”

Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Pat finally has a name for the behavior that’s been exhausting her all these years. Now, she needs a solution. How does a parent stop the arguments with a child whose primary way of communicating is arguing?

James Lehman:
A day with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.

Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re easily annoyed and frustrated by other people, resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. They blame everyone else for their difficulties and make excuses for their inability to cope. They gravitate toward negative peers and tend to be sulking, angry adolescents.

Unrestricted free time is a breeding ground for aggressive behavior for these children. In an unstructured environment, they become annoying, threatening or destructive to kids around them and to adult authority figures. They will use this time to deliberately antagonize anyone they see as “in charge.”

As a parent, you can’t satisfy a child with ODD, since their thinking is irrational. They clamor for your attention and then tell you to leave them alone. The sad truth is, kids with ODD aren’t very likeable. Parents often feel guilty about the fact that they love their kids, but don’t like being around them.

Parents get blamed for their child’s oppositional behavior and tend to heap even more blame on themselves. The parent of a child with ODD often feels incompetent and isolated. They live with the self-imposed shame that other people think they’re bad parents, and that humiliation grows larger as their world gets smaller. Left untreated, Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to Conduct Disorder, a more serious pathology that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.

Of course, for many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they are dealing with continuous, low-level defiance that is not incendiary and aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying and disruptive to the family. Whether the defiance has turned into a diagnosis of ODD or has not, the parent’s approach should be the same.

How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at Home

Most parents lack the tools to deal with oppositional defiance. So they generally respond to this behavior with a range of responses that includes negotiating, bargaining, giving in, threatening and screaming. The problem is when you scream, argue or negotiate, you are giving your child’s defiance even more power.

Everyone from the school psychologist to your mother-in-law will tell you what this child needs is “structure.” But no one really shows you what kind of structure and how to put it in place. It’s not as simple as giving the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking. He’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style and method of operation with the child.

* Children with ODD need structure with an aggressive training component that is built around learning how solve the problems that trigger their defiant behaviors. Your child becomes oppositional when he is confronted with a problem and he can’t figure out how to fix it. The problem can be anything from not wanting to get up in the morning (as in Hunter’s case) to not wanting to do homework. Screaming at the child to get out of bed won’t work. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. Example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”

* The focus of treatment should be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem or personality. ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. There’s no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way to kids to cope with their problems. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need a lot of strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. They don’t benefit from a pat on the back for doing something that’s easy for them to do. They should be praised for doing things that are challenging to them. Don’t create false situations for which to praise them to make them “feel better.” Parents need to learn several different parenting styles that meet the needs of this child. You need to be less of a “cheerleader” and more of a trainer and coach.

* Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick your battles with your child carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win fights with this child by not arguing back. When you argue, his resistance gets stronger. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect compliance.

* Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re going to the mall, know what you’ll do when he acts out in the car. It’s important to lay out the rules ahead of time, when things are calm. For instance, before you go to the mall, tell the child, “When you lose it in the car, it becomes dangerous for me and for everyone because it’s distracting. So if you lose it in the car, I’m going to pull over for five minutes, and I’m not going to talk to you. You’ll have five minutes to get your act together. If, after five minutes, you have not regained control of yourself, then we’re not going to the mall. We’re going to turn around and go home.

* Have a plan you’ll use if he throws a tantrum in the store or if he acts out at a family gathering. And be willing to follow through on the plan until the child learns defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.

Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful mix of determination and strength. You can have a child with ODD and a peaceful home. The key is to decide: Are you going to change the world for your child or teach him to cope with it? It’s not practical or effective to try to change the world for your kid. But by setting limits consistently, concisely and clearly, you will teach your child to cope with the world and succeed in it.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Check out these books to learn more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

by: James Lehman, CSW

Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won’t get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated—they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.

Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?

James:
When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.

When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him.

“You have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior.”

The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It’s important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people’s kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people’s behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don’t want to do their homework is because they’re simply lazy about the work or they don’t want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work.

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child’s tasks for him because you don’t see another way. It doesn’t work, but it’s all you can do, it seems.

James:
Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don’t have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes or he won’t do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They’re simply trying to solve problems, but the way they’re solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won’t work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture.

Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or “overdoing” for the child?

James:
I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use “I” words. “I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.” “I want you to do your homework now.” Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore it. Telling you he doesn’t care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power.

I would give consequences, and I don’t care if the kid doesn’t like it. If you don’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t be doing anything else. You shouldn’t get to play video games. You shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If you’re too sick to go to school, you shouldn’t be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through.

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, “Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.” But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say, “Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want do your homework in that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games and you can’t watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that’ll be your choice. And if you fail, that’ll be your choice.”

Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C; we just didn’t reward it. So my son strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework.

So when you’re interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you’re looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He’s just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He’s motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don’t argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there’s accountability.

I created The Total Transformation Program to help parents manage and change this behavior. It offers parents a comprehensive solution for changing resistance and teaching the child responsibility accountability.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

by: James Lehman, MSW

A consequence is something that follows naturally from a person’s action, inaction or poor decision. It differs from a punishment in that a punishment is retribution. Punishment is “getting back” at someone, to hurt them back for a hurt they did. When you get a speeding ticket, it’s not a retribution for something you did wrong. It’s a consequence of your poor choices and decisions.

When you’re giving a child a consequence, it’s important to make it flow naturally from the child’s choice or action. For example, if your son sleeps late and doesn’t get up for school, the natural consequence is to go to bed earlier that night to get more sleep. The natural consequence isn’t to take his phone for a week. Tell him he has to go to bed early for the next three nights, and then if he can show you he can get up for school, you’ll go back to the later bedtime.

It’s also important to make the consequence task-oriented, not time-oriented. A time-oriented consequence is when you tell your child he’s grounded for a week or can’t use his cell phone for two weeks. It’s ineffective because all it does is teach kids how to “do time.” It does not teach them how to change their behavior.

A task-oriented consequence is related to the offense and defines a learning objective. If your child stayed out past curfew last week, this weekend, she has to come in an hour earlier to show you that she can do it. When she shows you she can do it, you can go back to her normal curfew time. Making her stay in for three weekends won’t teach her to observe curfew. It just puts you and your family through the grief and the child learns nothing.

The best consequences are those from which the child learns something. If your son is disrespectful to his sister, a good consequence is to tell him he can’t use the phone until he writes her a letter of apology. In the letter, he has to tell her what he’ll do differently the next time he’s in conflict with her. Writing the letter of apology is a learning experience for him that wins him back his phone. That way, he’s not just “doing time.” He’s completing an act that teaches him something.

I think parents have to be very clear about consequences, especially the older kids get. By “older,” I mean the difference between six and eight and then eight and ten. I’m not talking about the difference between eight and eighteen. The older kids get, the more thought they have to put into the consequence. So if a kid’s grade drops because he’s not doing his homework, yes you take his TV. But you take it until the teacher tells you that he’s been doing his homework for two weeks. Or until the teacher tells you he’s brought his grades back up to a B.

What do you do when consequences don’t work?

We hear from many parents who say, “I’ve tried everything, and consequences just don’t work with my kid.” What can a parent in this situation do? First of all, we need to talk about the kids for whom consequences do work. These are kids who are used to structure and are used to limits being set on them. Having structure and setting limits with kids teaches them that there are rewards and consequences in life. If you’re having trouble making consequences work with your kids, here’s an important point. If you want consequences to work, you also have to have rewards. If you have no rewards, then it’s very hard to come up with a consequence without being punitive.

In The Total Transformation Program, I encourage parents to sit down and think up a list of consequences and a list of rewards for their child. The list should include things they can afford, things that don’t cost a lot of money and things that they can achieve in the time they have in their day as parents. For example, as a reward, can you take your kid down to the park for a half an hour and shoot some baskets. Half an hour is all you need. It doesn’t have to take two hours. You also want to make sure the rewards and consequences on the list are realistic to that child’s developmental level.

I also recommend that parents order the rewards and consequences from mildest to heaviest so that you have small rewards for small achievements, big rewards for big achievements. The same goes for consequences. Smaller consequences that flow out of minor infractions. More serious consequences for more serious offenses. By the way, taking the phone is a major consequence, and I would use that cautiously. It’s usually a major consequence because it is usually a very important item to a kid. The more important an item is to a kid, the more he’ll learn when it’s taken as part of a consequence. But remember that when you’re giving consequences, you don’t want to use all your big guns at once.

Having this menu of rewards and consequences gives you a roadmap for how to deal with the hills, valleys and forks in the road you encounter each day with your child. It also keeps you from taking shortcuts, which we all do in parenting. Parents are tired, they work hard, they have high levels of anxiety over their finances and their professional careers, and they have lots of demands beyond caring for the children. This is true in almost every family. So parents often start taking shortcuts that are ineffective, such as taking the cell phone for every offense or grounding a kid for a week. If you have a menu of rewards and consequences, you can give an appropriate consequence for the offense—one that allows the child to learn. Not a knee-jerk, punitive consequence.

The most important question you need to ask yourself when you’re giving a child a consequence is this: What do I want to accomplish here? Do I want to show him who’s boss or do I want to get him to do his homework? If you want to show him who’s boss, then you’re going to be extra punitive in your consequence and fire all your guns at once. If you want him to get his homework done, then you start with consequences that can lead up to getting homework done. Like no TV until your homework’s done. It’s as simple as pie.

When do you use the “big gun” consequences? When you’re dealing with issues involving values and respect of others. When you’re faced with abuse issues such as physical or verbal abuse of a family member or teacher. Or when you’re dealing with serious issues such as stealing.

Consequences don’t happen in a vacuum. They have to fit in with an overall style of parenting that is designed to produce children who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. So, if a consequence isn’t working, and a parent says, “I took his phone for two weeks and it’s not working,” that parent needs to look at a couple of things. First of all, maybe two weeks is too long. Maybe what you have to tell your child is this: “I’m taking your phone until you don’t do X for twenty four hours.” Or, “If you talk abusively to your sister, I’m taking your phone until you don’t talk to her abusively for forty eight hours straight. And every time you’re abusive with her, it starts over.” Go back again to the most important question: “What do I want to accomplish?” If you want to hurt him for hurting his sister, take his phone for two weeks. But if you do this, don’t expect any compliance out of him. If what you want to accomplish is having your son learn not to be abusive and work on his self-control, then set up a task as part of the consequence.

Another thing to think about is whether you’re being firm or rigid. There’s nothing wrong with being firm. But if you’re being senselessly rigid, your kids are going to develop defiance to respond to that. That’s the problem with using all the big gun consequences at once.

Sometimes consequences don’t work because they are part of a much broader problem, and the child is in a power struggle with the parents. Withholding compliance is a part of that power struggle. One of the primary ways that kids try to win that power struggle with their parents is by withholding compliance. Once that pattern establishes itself, the only power the parent has is to punish, and the only power the kid has is to withhold compliance. Consequences will not work in that atmosphere. When this occurs, parents need the more comprehensive solution that The Total Transformation and the Parental Support Line provide. The program and the support will help you with the broader problem-solving skills that enable kids to take responsibility for compliance without being reactionary.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit The Total Transformation Progam.

Musings on “Life Is Not Fair” & Sarah Palin

Politics aside, as I learn more about Sarah Palin, John McCain’s vice presidential running mate, some deep parenting questions surface within my heart.

Governor Palin is a mother of five children. Trig, the four-month-old baby has been diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. At seventeen years of age, Bristol, her eldest daughter, is expecting a baby this winter.

Despite meticulous planning and enormous efforts, life does not always materialize in the way which we had imagined it would. Undoubtedly, several years ago, Sarah Palin would not have predicted that her family would find itself in its current situation.

I find myself wondering, what would I do if my teenage daughter told me that she was pregnant? How would I react if my teenage son informed me that he was going to become a father? What is the appropriate reaction to the myriad of events that may occur, those that are not in line with our plans for the future?

The bigger question that begs to be asked is: If it can be so challenging for me to deal with life’s various hurtles, it must be even harder for children to deal with disappointments. If parents sometimes get angry or resort to blaming others for the unfairness of life, how can we expect our children to accept all that comes their way with equanimity?

Let us make the assumption that children are not born instinctively understanding and accepting the fact that life is not fair.

“It’s not fair!” is the mantra of all children; and the truth is that life is absolutely unfair- some of us have more blessings than others. What can we parents do to help our children deal with inevitable disappointments that crop up from time to time?

I just got home from a wilderness program for teenage boys. Most of them were sixteen years old and addicted to illegal drugs. Every teenager faces some complications; why is it that some teens are unable to cope with their problems; why do they feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of drug or alcohol addiction?

The answer is that that particular child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not completely at fault; and the culture around him can be blamed.

The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?

Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage one from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.

In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.

Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.

Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.

Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will arise.

It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-woth that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.

The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.

Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.

Drug and alcohol usage and overly disrespectful behavior are a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the child’s behavior when dealing with a teenager in distress.

The child who is addicted to harmful substances, or acting out in inappropriate manners, has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Leading an optimistic, cheerful family is no contradiction to teaching your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.

When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.

The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.

So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.

It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.

When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.

EDIT: As I read some of the comments, I realize that my thought process regarding the linkage of Sarah Palin and dealing with the unfairness of life was not entirely clear.

So, here goes: As I watched the media focus on all of Governor Palin’s personal issues, I wondered where, exactly, one can find a family of seven without any problems??? Then I continued to wonder- does the media think that Sarah Palin made a decisive, conscious choice to have her seventeen-year-old daughter become pregnant? We all know that as much as we’d like to, we cannot control everything that teenagers do these days. Imagine if Governor Palin’s response to Trig’s birth and Bristol’s pregnancy was- ‘Oh, no, my career is over, my life is going to be so difficult from now one, I am a victim of circumstances, this is all so unfair!’ Sarah’s response to the media, (which I can’t locate right now) about giving her daughter love and support throughout the difficulties involved in having a child were my inspiration to write this article. It is refreshing to see someone who can deal with things not going precisely as planned, and still stay strong. I hope that helps:)

Getting Kids Organized: Tips that Work!

Teaching Children to Organize Their Possessions: Five Tips for Parents

If you’d look under the children’s beds or in the playrooms of most houses, you might think there is no way to get your kids organized. Stuffed animals have a way of multiplying and covering beds and dressers, game and jigsaw puzzle pieces somehow never make it all back into the box, there’s always a treasured Lego or K’Nex creation that just can’t be cleaned up after all the hard work it took to make it. A multitude of papers come home from school each week. There are also brochures from favorite museums, special photographs, and little treasures like special pens, old coins, pencil toppers, etc., that have a way of filling up drawers.

If you’re like most parents you’d like to find a way to control the clutter, maintain order with the toys, and get your children more involved in the process. There are several easy steps that parents can take to help children become skilled at keeping organized.

Before I tell you how to get organized, I’d like to tell you why it’s important. My children attend a Montessori nursery school. The head teacher shared with me some important reasons to teach children to organize their possessions. If you’ve ever seen a Montessori classroom, it’s full of interesting and delightful activities for children, each stored independently in its own container or on a tray. Presenting the materials in that way helps children develop strong focus and concentration skills. Each container or tray contains one discrete activity that a child can explore and master. When the child is finished using that activity, or wants to do something else, he puts it away and takes out another.

I believe this is a wonderful approach for a playroom or any area where you store children’s activities. We don’t just give children their toys or activities to keep them entertained while we make dinner. Their puzzles, pretend-play toys, coloring books and markers also teach educational skills like counting or spatial relations and even help children to develop motor skills. By encouraging children to use one activity at a time, we hope they’ll learn to master that activity, learn the needed skills and move onto harder puzzles or coloring more elaborate pictures.

This is not to say that children can’t build a nice Lego garage and then bring over all their trucks to park inside. I think that’s wonderful – those are two activities that go nicely together. We just want to organize our play areas in such a way that it encourages a child to follow through on an activity to completion, thereby gaining the skills it imparts.

Another wonderful aspect to Montessori organization is the emphasis on low key décor. The walls are not lined with overwhelming posters, letter charts, pictures of the months, and different colored bulletin boards. Instead, there are some of the children’s artworks, posted at eye level. Shelving is all at the child’s height, made of natural materials and generally in light color. The activities on the shelves really draw children’s attention instead of a distracting décor on the walls. This provides a calm environment to play and learn. Evaluate your playroom to see if you can replace loud, colorful artwork with more natural décor creating a more serene environment where your children can play.

I’d like to share some tips with you on how you can get started organizing with your children. Using the Montessori approach, and some ideas of my own, I’ve provided several tips below broken out for different age groups. To get started, begin with the steps for the age 3-5 group. These are the fundamental steps for the organizational methods I’m recommending. Once you’ve implemented the age 3-5 steps and your household has integrated them, you can go onto the next steps more easily.

Start slow and make it fun and you’ll have greater chances for success!

1. Create the environment.

Once you decide to get your kids started organizing their stuff, your first step will be to set up an organizational system and teach them how to maintain it. De-cluttering is key to making the organizational system work. Once you do it, your children’s playroom and bedrooms will be more serene and livable. To get started, choose items you will get rid of or put in storage, and which items you will keep available. Be sure to rotate your children’s toys in and out of a storage area every few months. When the newly rotated toys or puzzles appear on their shelves, it’s almost as exciting as getting new toys. Be sure to store or give away toys that your children have totally outgrown.

You’ll need to buy the organizational supplies the children will need in to keep their space tidy. Set up child-sized shelving, or even use the bottom shelves of your living room bookcases where your children’s toys will be kept. Be sure your children have a special drawer in a desk or dresser in which to keep all their small odds and ends. In-drawer organizers will help them keep those items orderly.

For children ages 3-5: Put toys that are loose (cars, doll house toys, kitchen toys, etc.) each into their own storage container. Each container should be stored on the toy shelving area you’ve created. Toys with lots of pieces can sometimes be hard for little ones to clean up themselves (Legos, Lincoln Logs). Keep these items on higher shelves so only a parent can take them down for the children to use. This should prevent a messy toy from being dumped out just before leaving for school, or some other occasion when there isn’t much time to clean up.

For children ages 6-8: These children may have lots of collections (coin, sticker, model air plane) school projects and reports, and other odds and ends they want to save. Help them organize their collections into plastic sheet protectors in loose leaf notebooks, artwork should go into an art portfolio stored on a bookshelf or desk drawer, model airplanes can go on higher up shelving in the bedroom or playroom.

For children ages 10 and up: Kids in this age group may also have a lot of papers and documents to store. Desktop and drawer organizers are essential. A file cabinet may even be in order if your child really likes to save his reports and certificates of achievement. Bookshelves for long chapter books, photo albums and school text books will also be important.

2. Set Rules.

Many families allow no more than one toy out at a time. This is mostly to ensure parents don’t face a clean-up nightmare and makes it manageable for children to be responsible for the own mess. Just as in a Montessori class, you will help your children maintain playroom organization by insisting that the first activity must be cleaned up before another activity can be taken out. Set a regular cleanup period required before coming to the next activity, say eating dinner or starting homework. If dinner time is always at 6:00, then cleanup starts at 5:45 each day. Stick to this rule and your children will eventually anticipate the clean up period. They will come to learn that 5:40 is not a smart time to start a major art project or 200 piece puzzle.

Ages 3-5: How many times have you seen your preschoolers halfway finish a puzzle, then build a house out of blocks, and then get caught up coloring before they ever even finished using or cleaning up any of those activities? The one-toy-at-a-time rule will help children gain a bit of focus and concentration by completing one activity before being distracted by another.

Ages 6-8: Sometimes children this age work for hours on one special creation, say an Erector Set robot or massive Lego spaceship. It’s emotionally hard to clean up something that took so much time and effort to build. Create a space where one extra-special creation can be stored. If a child wants to make or save another amazing creation, then the first one must be dismantled and put away before starting another.

Ages 10 and up: Older children may have more elaborate activities: quilting or sewing, building models, scrapbooking, etc. Give them a large storage bin to keep materials, and works-in-progress, so they don’t have to stay out on the dining room table until a weeks-long school or hobby project is completed.

3. A place for everything and everything in its place.

As you and your children create storage areas for your toys and activities, be sure you stick to your plan. You may want to agree that the doll house toys should always be stored in your daughter’s room, with the doll house, unless you and she agree otherwise. Markers, crayons, glue and scissors are always be stored where the children do their art projects. Whatever you decide, stick with it. Consolidate these items from the playroom, children’s desks, and kitchen drawers and keep them in the location you allow the children to color. All materials should be put away exactly where they’re kept so ready to use on the next occasion.

Ages 3-5: Teach these little ones to put their toys, books and shoes, for example, in the same spot every day. If you invoke this rule now, you will have more success applying it when children are old enough and have more things for which to be responsible. Show them a spot in the closet or mud-room where shoes are always kept. Make sure books are always returned back to the proper shelf.

Ages 6-8: These children can put away their clean laundry in the proper drawers and closet spaces, put away their back-pack and coat after school, put dirty laundry in a hamper each day, and hang up their bath towels after a shower. If you see something out of order, it will be easy for a child to fix because he knows where everything goes.

Ages 10 and up: Sometimes a lack of responsibility manifests during these preteen, ‘tween and teen years. If a child has a place to put her house keys, iPod or graphing calculator each day, there is less chance that these items will get lost.

4. Organizational accessories

Containers and storage accessories are critical to managing clutter. From adorable woven baskets to stacking, plastic lidded containers, these items will help children keep their toys and personal items together. If you will need a lot of storage containers then I would opt for rectangular, lidded one that can stack one on top of another. A decorative bulletin board is in the bedroom is a great place for children to keep special photos, ticket stubs from professional sports games, cute pins, a favorite sketch and more.

Ages 3-5: Get some containers this age children can open and close themselves, and some that only parents are nimble enough to open. You’ll want different size containers: small for markers and scissors and larger ones to fit large sets: toy dishes, blocks, train set, etc. You may want to tape a photograph of each toy on the side of its container so your kids will remember where the toy goes when they’re finished.

Ages 6-8: At this age range children are often learning to organize their time and keep track of activities and responsibilities. A wall chart or large desk-top calendar is a great way to help children remember when they need to complete chores (garbage is taken out on Tuesday nights) and assignments (book report due on the Monday the 12^th), and upcoming events (Dina’s birthday party on Sunday at 11:30). You can also use the calendar to teach your children to plan their time. For example, if your son’s book report is due on Monday the 12^th, then teach him to mark on his calendar to finish reading the book by Wednesday the 7^th, allowing ample time to write, illustrate, and edit his report. He’ll learn important skills to prevent him from becoming a “crammer” and last-minute worker as he gets older.

Ages 10 plus: Children in this age group often have a many different activities and responsibilities to keep track of: multiple school assignments, study groups, baby-sitting, sports practice, lawn-mowing jobs and more. Explore together with your child to find the electronic organizer or paper-based calendar system (Day-timer, for example) that will help her be most successful at keeping track of assignments and activities. They are also old enough to maintain their own phone and address books.

5. Motivational charts and rewards.

It’s important to give positive reinforcement to keep your new household organizational system going! Children thrive on their parents’ approval, so be sure to show them how proud you are of their efforts to keep organized and follow the new organizational rules you’ve set up. Hopefully after just a month or two the new system will be integrated into your home routine and you won’t have to continue with the motivational charts anymore.

Ages 3-5: Just give a big smile with a hug and kiss or even a little cookie as a reward. If your daughter needs even more motivation, make a sticker chart for her. Each time she puts something back where it belongs (even if you remind her once or twice) give her a sticker on a chart. When she finishes each line on the chart, give her a small reward, like a sheet of stickers, a super bouncy ball or a magnet. When she finishes the whole chart, give her a bigger reward, like a new pack of markers or a pretty new hair band.

Ages 6-8: This is really the ideal age for sticker charts. You might need bigger prizes for rewards. Give your son a deck of playing cards or a matchbox car for each line he finishes, and a special trip just with Mom or Dad, out for ice cream or a pizza lunch when he finishes the whole chart.

Ages 10 plus: As kids get bigger, so do their reward expectations. A sticker chart might be too babyish for children in this age range, but you can still reward them for sticking with your new organizational program. Add an extra two or three dollars to their weekly allowance for keeping their room and possessions organized. Commend your daughter for a job well done and buy her a special CD or pair of earrings for consistently maintaining her possessions in the organizational system you created.

As you begin implementing organizational improvements with your children, remember to that it’s important to start small. You can’t make all the above changes at once. Pick the area where your daughter is struggling most and start there. Is she late turning in schoolwork? So start by helping her organize her time. Once she’s mastered some time management techniques, you can work on organizing her desk and personal possessions.

Also, be sure to set the example. You have to practice what you preach. If your kitchen counters and bookshelves are cluttered and disorganized, then your children probably won’t be convinced of the importance of being organized. Take the opportunity to make a family project out of becoming more organized. Make a yard sale out of all old toys, furniture, electronic and other the clutter you’re ridding yourselves of. (When I first heard my own four-year-old daughter say to me, “Mommy did you sell that toy?” I felt a little guilty at first. Now I know that I’m actually teaching her great skills and showing her that we need not be too attached to all things only to those that are most important.) Go out for a fun family outing with the proceeds you make.

Happy Organizing!

By: Rivka Slatkin

Rivka Slatkin is the founder of the DECORganize method, combining organizing and decorating for those want to get organized and stay that way! For more information on how the DECORganize method can assist you, go to www.jewishlifeorganized.com

Pursuit of Comfort

One of the greatest fallacies of our time is the mistaken social rule that “happiness means being comfortable”.

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

I Want To Scream!

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I get so mad at my kids! Yesterday, we were getting ready for a family reunion that our family will be hosting next week. My thirteen-year-old daughter suggested that we create place cards and matching centerpieces for the party. Although this will be an informal affair held in our backyard and I felt the cards to be unnecessary, I could see that this was important to her, so I told her that this was a fantastic idea and drove her to the craft store to purchase supplies.

Then my sixteen-year-old son informed her that the decorations and place cards were a “dumb idea”. It infuriates me when he teases his sister, and I calmly told him that if he has nothing nice to say he should not say anything at all.

Naturally, my daughter was insulted; and she then proceeded to throw all the colored papers, pipe-cleaners, ribbons, and the rest of the craft supplies around the living room and stomp upstairs in a huff.

Then I lost it… after all, I had just been defending my daughter and she made my living room’s atmosphere into a physical and emotional mess! I started screaming at both of my children, which quickly escalated into a major shouting match.

My daughter said that she hates her family and will not attend the party. My son complained that nobody cares about him or ever asks for his opinion about how things should be.

This is when my husband entered the house, and he looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and anger and asked me what on earth was going on.

I just want to scream! And this is not a lone incident in my family… what should I do? Please help!

From,

Ready-to-Scream

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ready to Scream,

First of all, please prepare a cup of your favorite coffee or tea, turn on a CD of soothing music, and make yourself comfortable on the couch.

Now, let’s backtrack a bit, and see what precisely went wrong.

The fist problem was that your son made an offensive comment to your daughter.

You sympathized with your daughter and thus reprehended your son, which, in retrospect, did not fix anything. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that criticizing the insulter does not ease anyone’s pain.

What could have been done differently?

Your children are mature enough to handle their own communications without your intervention. If you hadn’t gotten involved, your daughter may have told her brother to mind his own business and that perhaps that would have been the end of it.

If your daughter had good communication skills, she could have told him that she did appreciation being spoken to in that manner.

If she had advanced communication skills, she could have sandwiched her critique between two positive comments, such as; “Thank you for sharing your opinion. I’d like it if you’d speak to me in a nicer manner, but I want to know why you think the decorations are a stupid idea.”

Where would your daughter have learned such excellent communication skills? From you! If you had intervened in their youth using the sandwich method of good news, bad news, good news, then they would have grown up knowing how to do it.

Assuming that you did not model a helpful method of rebuke, don’t worry, it’s never too late.

In place of a helpful criticism, however, you gave a hurtful retort to your son. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that we handle criticism with criticism. Thus, it is not a surprise that your daughter reacted by escalating the anger and resentment. Obviously, that is not a lesson you want to consciously impart to your children.

Let’s examine some ways to express negative emotions in a healthy and safe way.

Your children are going to learn how to communicate effectively by being taught by your words and actions. When you model how to handle disappointment and anger in a calm and healthy manner, your children will learn these essential life skills.

Although your husband entered the scene at the end of the situation, he appears to be contributing to the negative style of communication by reacting with anger rather than offering support and empathy.

When you are able to handle disrespect with respect, and insults with calmness, your children will be influenced to communicate in an effective and positive manner.

What would have been a good reaction to your son’s nasty “that’s a stupid idea?”

In a calm and collected ton, you could have responded, “Oh, is there something that is bothering you about your sister’s party decorations?” By demonstrating interest in his point of view, you have the upper hand to then offer constructive criticism such as, “What would be a more effective way to tell your sister how you feel about the place cards?”

If you are ever unsure how to respond in the heat of the moment, simply think about the sandwich method- you can’t go too wrong using it! Good comment, bad comment, and another good comment.

Good luck! (We all need it!)

Recommended Reading…

In case you haven’t heard from me in a while, no, I wasn’t ignoring you! However, I had emergency surgery and was in the hospital for several days last week, and now I’m starting to get back to myself. (Nothing life-threatening, thankfully, just a very painful experience.)

I’d like to share several inspirational parenting books that I had the opportunity to read while resting. These books are award-winning, easy-to-read, and will give you the additional mental fortitude you need to be a wonderful parent!

Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by: Foster Cline, MD & Jim Fay

From the back cover: “Parents consistently tell us they wish they had known about love and logic earlier. This common sense approach gives parents a tangible hope that they can still influence their kids.”

Buy the book on Amazon or ebay and increase your parenting confidence!

Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age

by Daniel J. Kindlon

From the back cover: “Kindlon’s book serves as the latest thoughtful reminder that sometimes the best way a parent can say ‘I love you’ is by gently but firmly invoking that powerful little two-letter word: ‘No.’”

Learn to say ‘no’ to your child confidently by buying this book on Amazon or ebay!

Dibs In Search Of Self
by: Virginia M. Axline

From the cover: “The renowned, deeply moving story of an emotionally lost child who found his way back.” The Child Therapy Classic

Get this eye-opening story on Amazon or ebay.

Thinking About You Thinking About Me

by: Michelle Garcia Winner

From the cover: Philosophy and strategies to further develop perspective taking and communicative abilities for persons with Social Cognitive Deficits: Asperger Syndrome, Pervasive Development Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS), High-Functioning Autism, ADHD, Hyperlexia, Non-Verbal Learning Disability (NVLD)

From the back cover: “This book is a must read! From Michelle’s detailed explanations and case examples, to the oh-so-practical ideas, strategies and worksheets and ready-to-use IEP goals, her book covers it all. I can’t recommend it enough!”

This book is self-published by the author, so I did not find it on ebay, however it is available on Amazon. My close friend in New York who is the principal of a special-ed school recommended it to me as the only book of its kind, and well-worth its $39 price.

If you have not yet experienced the bargain-hunting thrill of shopping on ebay and buying valuable books for prices like 99 cents, register for free here!

Happy reading and effective parenting!

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