The rain has finally stopped here in  Cleveland and  we have had a few of days of sunshine. The sandbox in the park had a couple of days to dry up. My two younger children were itching to get themselves dirty.

My son took out the sand toys. There is one toy in particular that they have a hard time sharing. When he brought it out, I inwardly groaned, remembering all the fights the kids had over this particular pail that made a smiley face in the sand.

I thought that we need a plan and I quickly used some of the tips that I had just taught in my sibling class.

1. Name the problem:

Me: “Oh no! That smiley face pail always gives us problems. It is tough to share. Both of you always want that one first.”

2. Be positive and invite them to think of solutions:

Me:” I know we can think of a solution. I am sure if we put our heads together we can figure out how to share this toy.” Maybe we can think of some rules to help us share it.”
Sara: “I know we can each have it for 5 minutes”
Me to Mikey: “How will that work for you?”
Mikey: “No way I need more than 5 minutes!”

3. Offer choices:

Me to Mikey: Ok, you need more time than 5 minutes- how many minutes do you think you need? 5or 10 minutes?
Mikey:”10 minutes”
Me to Sara: “He needs ten minutes, will that work for you?”
Sara: “Yes.”

4. Name the problem again:

Me: “Ok, good we figured out how many minutes for each of you guys. Now the next problem is who is going to use it first. How should we figure that out?”
Sara: “He can go first, if you help me on the swings.”
Me: That sounds like a good plan. I can help you on the swings.

5. Praise children for a solution and reiterate the plan:

“I am so glad we figured out a solution. We really put our heads together. Mikey is going to go first with the sand pail while Sara and I play on the swings. After 10 minutes it will be Sara’s turn. Then after those 10 minutes we will switch again. Let’s get started!”

Crisis averted! Staying calm, positive and solution oriented is the trick to helping children to get along. To learn more on how to help your children get along buy our “How To Handle Sibling Rivalry Without Losing Your Mind”  audios.

I just read what Dyan wrote on this site, via the email- loved it – and I have a question and need help!

What should we do with our eleven-year-old son who is continuously being “snappy” and short tempered (yelling, being crabby) with his eight-year-old sister?  He complains that she is annoying; and while that might be the case in some instances, certainly not all – this has gone on for over a year (during which, Dad was serving in Iraq).  Dad is back now, and neither of us know what to do.

Our family went away for an overnight, and the 2 kids actually had FUN having a pillow fight in the hotel room!  This made me want to cry, as that is about the only time they weren’t squabbling in such a long time.

Judy, WI

The question is:  How to get my son to “love” (or at least, be nice to) his sister?

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer:

It’s inevitable that kids will fight. If we can try and think of every squabble as a great opportunity for teaching our children about negotiation and problem-solving skills (tactics they will need as adults) then we might have a better appreciation for helping them to deal with conflict. I know better said than done! Sometimes the fighting is just too much and when they are not being “nice” to one another, it’s hard not to get emotionally involved ourselves.

I offer some strategies you might want to employ to help with your children’s sibling disputes:

• Try and discern what is at the root of the problem: Is your son jealous of his younger sister? (Is she more athletic; does she get more “physical” attention because of an illness or a learning disorder; is she smarter; does she have more friends.) There could be any number of reasons why he might be envious of her. The key is to find out if he is and provide him opportunities where his strengths and differences shine and are not overshadowed by her talents. For instance, if he is a whiz at chess – find a chess club in your area. Try and involve them in individual activities that highlight their differences and varying interests and not boast about one more than the other (we don’t do this on purpose, but sometimes just talking about what so and so did that was so great and not mention the sibling, is interpreted by the sibling that he is less than/not as loved as much/that his parents favor his sister etc; etc.)

• He’s three years older, and that should come with some privileges: such as having a later bedtime, taking on more responsibilities (yes that is a privilege!), perhaps attending functions or groups where there is a minimum age requirement (11-13 year olds), watching movies or reading books that are ok for his age but not appropriate for hers; so that he feels a sense of some entitlement — not to lord over his sister, but to help him feel that he doesn’t always have to “be” and “play” with an eight year old. He’s coming into pre-adolescence and his hormones and thought processes are changing at a rapid rate (which also includes moodiness and intolerance). So when he has some time “away” that he can act and be 11 he may start to appreciate the time he does spend with his sister because he has had a reprieve somewhere in the middle of living with her.

• When you say she is annoying – how is she annoying? Is she going into his room uninvited? Taking his stuff? He should be allowed to have some possessions that he doesn’t have to share. As adults, we don’t always share with our neighbors or our own children either. So tell him to tag some items that are strictly his and she needs to learn to respect that they do not belong to her. And likewise of course. He shouldn’t be taking her stuff or going into her room without her permission either.

• Because of the age difference, especially with him at 11 and her 8 (it will level off again when their developmental needs are more aligned) try engaging them in activities together that will appeal to both ages.  It’s hard during this spread to find activities that interest them both and they can get along doing. You will probably find your son fluctuates between being a “teenager” who is only into music and skateboards and friends and then on the turn of a dime he is being carefree and having a pillow fight. Cards is usually one that holds an interest for all ages – teach them euchre, or cribbage that you can play as a family. Fuse ball or cranium; anything that will be fun for “all” ages and you and your husband do it with them. When you do things that appeal to both, the age and developmental gap will be less prominent during their interactions.

• Try and foster independence in your children and get them to work it out as much as possible where you don’t have to be involved. Teach them to negotiate and problem solve. For example: “The two of you need to work out a schedule for the TV and if you are not able to do that, I will have to intervene and you may not like what I come up with.” They may surprise you and come up with something brilliant and amicable. This also teaches them that they can’t rely on other people to always fix their problems or intervene on their behalf when they are confronted by conflict.

• Have consequences you can follow through on for when they are name calling or physically lashing out at one another. I like to use restitution. Whenever one of my boys emotionally or physically hurts another, I have them make amends by giving their brother a “good deed”. Sometimes they write letters of apology, or clean their brother’s room, or take on their brother’s chores for a day, or give their brother some worthy possession (that usually happens when there’s a need for a big apology). I don’t believe in just having them say “sorry”. They often just end up being words. But when they have to make amends and be thoughtful about it, that’s when you really see and hear the apology.

• Teach your children to verbalize how teasing and snappiness from one another makes them feel. Get your daughter to tell him how it hurts her feelings so he can understand and appreciate the impact of his actions (it is the development of empathy). Tell your son to describe how her being annoying bothers him. When we give our children a “feelings vocabulary” they are more able to factor in all sides of an argument by listening to how other people feel. Feeling words have dramatic meaning and help to trigger emotions where empathy resides.

• Don’t always assume it is your son being nasty for no reason. He just may be more vocal and loud in his response to your daughter instigating. Another words, he gets caught and she doesn’t. This may not be the case but bear with me… If you didn’t see the precipitating event, I wouldn’t rely on what either of them says about it. And not because I am suggesting they would lie, but the truth is in the eye of the beholder. People tell “their” truth based on their perception of what happened. And usually everyone has a different perception. Try and get them to voice their feelings about an incident as opposed to finding out what happened. You will never get the whole truth so be solution focused instead of re-hashing the problem. Re-hashing the problem doesn’t fix it – finding a solution to the problem will.

• Concentrate on when the kids are getting along and make sure you let them know how much you enjoy watching that. For instance “I really appreciated how well the two of you got along on that trip; it was an enjoyable family outing!” Be realistic though, you can’t expect them to get along all of the time and insisting that they do is too high a bar for them to reach.

• This started when dad was serving in Iraq – your son may have become a little “parentified” thinking he was the man of the house. He may have felt it was necessary to “keep his sister in line” so to speak; and being immature, he wouldn’t know the first thing about how to “raise” an eight year old except to boss her around.  He may have some unresolved fear issues about his dad being in Iraq and it manifested in his hostility toward his sister. He may still feel angry for dad leaving him for a period of time. You might want to explore these issues more. It sounds like he is only behaving this way to his sister and no one else. How is he toward you? Dad? Have there been problems with peers (fighting, bullying) or at school with teachers? If the anger is happening elsewhere you may want to explore some ways that he can work that out (perhaps counseling for him and dad).

It’s the familiar prelude to a power struggle between parent and child.

One of the most common complaints heard from parents is that their children don’t listen to them.

“I have to scream before he will even pay attention to me!” (That child has learned that the parent need not be heeded until a specific decibel has been reached.)

Or:

“I’ve got to tell her at least five times before she’ll do what she’s told!” (This child understands, based upon past experience, which the parent need not be taken seriously until the fifth time.)

Yelling and constant repetition make not a happy home. In fact, they create an atmosphere of strife and confrontation.

Prior to addressing the issue of power struggles, it is important to understand that the manner that a child perceives himself is different from an adult’s personal perspective.

While an average American tourist in a Third World country may be viewed as fabulously wealthy and any adult standing in a preschool class appears big and strong, the reality is that that wealth and strength is only relative to the person’s external trappings.

An emotionally healthy adult is capable of tapping into his inner views and values and respect himself no matter what is goes on in his surroundings.

By contrast, a child has not yet acquired a strong sense of personal identity and esteem. As a result, children use their surroundings as a barometer as to who they are. Their measurement of self-worth is defined by what is happening around them, and they take their cues from their interactions with others.

Now we can understand a fundamental underpinning of confrontations: Children would rather die than lose.

In the heat of a power struggle, a child is extremely intent on winning the battle at hand because he equates obedience with defeat. When a child hears, “Get into bed right NOW!” he has a great emotional investment in not obeying and thus not viewing himself as the loser of this battle.

Therefore, it is best to avoid confrontations as often as possible. What can we do to minimize confrontations, and how can we handle them when they are unavoidable?

1) Poor planning, rushing, and emergencies are prime times for power struggles. While raising children it is normal for the house to resemble a “madhouse”, it is often with a parent’s control to make wiser plans to reduce tension and lower the probability of confrontations.

Take the extra time to get up early, leave on a trip an hour before the last minute, and prepare activities, food, and clothing the evening before it is needed. You will reap the rewards of a calmer family and be less likely to find yourself demanding, “Get into the car right now!”

2) New situations demand proper preparation and explanation for a child. For example, prior to going to the mall (if that’s an unusual occurrence) it is incumbent upon a parent to map out the itinerary to the child. For example, “First we’ll be shopping for clothing, and I’ll try on a few things in a dressing room. Then, we will be taking pictures and you’ll sit on a blanket on a table and the photographer will ask you to smile and let you hold your teddy bear. If you behave well, and that means, staying close to me and not whining, we will buy you a treat after the pictures.”

Notice how this parent spelled out her expectations and clearly outlined exactly what good behavior is required in order to earn the reward.

Older children, too, need preparation for new situations that will be encountered such as vacations, visits to relatives, and community events that are new to them.

3) The self-esteem of the parent is of paramount importance in avoiding confrontations. If a parent’s suffers from low self-esteem, she may be tempted to “win” the argument with her child in order to prove to herself that she is in charge. The emotional “war” between the child and parent- both of whom are attempting to assert themselves is detrimental to both participants.

This is another valuable reason why parents must have their own inner sense of self-worth; which will allow them to be in a position to be firm without their ego getting in the way.

4) Poor sleep and diet are a major contributor to confrontations.

You know what happens to yourself when you haven’t eaten well or slept properly. Can you expect any different from a child? Enough said!!

5) Prior to putting a strain on a relationship, it is essential to nurture and develop that relationship’s positive side.

When you have a close relationship with your child a confrontation will not feel like a “put down” to the child. He is more likely to be understanding of his parent’s need, and not feel like he is “losing”, as a result of the closeness that is generally shared.

6) Distraction can work wonders. Young children are easily distracted by anything mildly unusual. A line I once invented to distract my son was, “Oh, no, it looks like a bunny rabbit bit off your tail!” For many months, saying that with mock horror could bring forth peals of laughter and make him forget that he was in the middle of refusing to get into the bathtub!

Offering a new choice can distract an older child from the issue at hand and lower the intensity of the confrontation substantially. When your teenager is balking at attending an event with the family, you can say, “Honey, it’s your choice. You can come with us right now and I’ll take you shopping in the afternoon, or you can stay home and we won’t be going shopping later. I’m not here to argue with you. It’s your choice, please decide within one minute, the whole family is waiting to leave.”

7) Find the pattern. Jot down a short note to yourself every time you have a confrontation with your child. After several weeks you will likely notice a pattern that has preempted the power struggles.

Do they generally happen in a specific location? At a certain time of the day? When your child is hungry or tired?

Finding a common denominator will allow you to work backwards to eliminate that source of stress on thus lessen the confrontations in your home.

Peace!!

I will never forget the man whom I met at my in-law’s home last year. Standing at six-feet tall, with broad shoulders, and a hardened military expression of seriousness on his face, he appeared intimidating- even to me. Then I heard that he used to work in a top-secret government job, and on 9/11 his finger was poised on the button, waiting for the President’s word to press it and cause nuclear havoc. His noticeably expectant wife stood at his side, along with several other couples in the living room. A woman entered the room with a whimpering baby and seated herself on the couch. The baby’s whimpering grew louder, and despite his mother’s best attempts to quiet him, he erupted in full-fledged wailing. Mom gave him a bottle, rocked him, and stuck a pacifier in his little mouth, all to no avail- the crying grew louder each moment. Mr. Military had fearful expression on his face as he watched the baby screaming.

My mother-in-law asked him, “You’re nervous about having a baby, aren’t you?”

Mr. Military’s pursed lips parted to state, “Actually, terrified would be the word.”

While our family enjoys laughing about the humorous incident, the truth remains that childrens screaming can unnerve the most rational and calm adult. Tantrums can turn a seasoned business negotiator into a piece of mush wrapped around a two-year-old’s finger.

While there are many things that can be done in a setting of peacefulness, either before or after the tantrum, to alleviate this issue, this article will only address what to do during the time of flared tempers.

There are 3 keys to eliminating tantrums:

1) Crystal-clear communication

2) Being consistent

3) Being firm. Do not get manipulated!

Oftentimes, parents feel out of control at home, due to their stressful lifestyle. When a child erupts in a tantrum, a battle of power ensues, where the parent is intent on “winning” in order to preserve his or her sense of dominion. It is essential to avoid power struggles at all costs; make a decision to view the screaming child as a neighbor’s kid for a few moments, so that your ego will not be tied into this battle.

“I will not talk to you while you are screaming,” is a standard statement that can be tailored to suit your particular needs during a tantrum. Other variations include, “I want to speak with you, darling, but I can’t when you are screaming” or “Can you ask for the blue bike in a calm voice so that I can answer you?”

Sooner or later your child will realize that screaming is not an effective means to achieve his goals. You may have to repeat, “I’ll be glad to talk to you when you’ve finished crying” forty times, but eventually he will say, “Please can I have the blue bike.”

At this point, you must be consistent with the standpoint you originally had, prior to the outbreak of the tantrum. Even if you are ready to drive across the country for a “blue bike” to quiet him, the importance of your consistency cannot be overestimated.

Just because he finally asked nicely does not mean that he will get what he wants. You will likely say, “Sweetie, I understand that you want the blue bike, I’m sorry, I cannot give the blue bike to you now.” This is an essential part of your child’s learning process. He will not get his heart’s desires simply from speaking properly. The blue bike may belong to his sister who is presently riding it, or it may be broken and dangerous to ride until a screw has been tightened.

At this point, it is quite possible that the screaming will begin anew. However, your reaction to the ensuing tantrum must be the same. The goal is to teach him to stop screaming, not to give him whatever he wants. Your responses will echo what we discussed above, “Darling, I would like to talk to you when you have finished screaming”.

The difficulty of implementing these solutions in everyday life is fully understandable. When the phone is ringing, and two children are having a chocolate-milk fight in the other room, it is hard to remember these rules! However, if you think about this process beforehand, and work it out in our minds prior to the occurrence of the next tantrum, you can begin improving some of the time. You may improve 10 or 20% of the time, and several weeks from now react according to these rules 70 or 80% of the time. The main point is that whatever you can do that is an improvement on the past is going to be beneficial for your children.

No parent is perfect, and nobody can correct a detrimental pattern of reactions overnight. Yet taking steps, even baby steps, towards proper handling of temper tantrums will definitely cause their frequency to decrease. As you work on following through on these rules, you will find it easier to maintain this reaction, even in the middle of total chaos.

And when your child recognizes that when he speaks appropriately, even if he did not get what he desired, he was listened to and understood and empathized with, he will become encouraged to act more reasonably next time!

For more help dealing with tantrums, read The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears