Teaching Kids To Respect & Appreciate The Older Generation

The number of Americans over 65 years of age has tripled
since the beginning of the 20th century and is expected to double yet again
2020. Numbers alone demonstrate the opportunity available to encourage c
positive, reciprocal relationships with people of an older generation. Althou
between the two groups is often viewed as an obstacle, there are many way
bridged to promote a positive experience for both children and seniors as th
the benefits of an intergenerational relationship.

Create Enjoyable Associations

Young children especially are often afraid of older people, particularly if they don’t spend a lot
of time around them. The aged appearance and voice of a senior citizen can come across as
scary and is often portrayed that way in television shows and movies. If your child doesn’t have
grandparents nearby, it’s important that you take the time to create pleasurable associations
regarding spending time around older people. Doing so can help ease a false sense of fear and
replace it with feelings of happiness and anticipation of the next get-together.

Take your young child to the library to listen to an older volunteer read stories. Find out if your
church or child’s school has a buddy program that pairs children with a senior citizen and take
advantage of such a program to build pleasant experiences between your child and the older
generation.

Children aren’t the only ones to benefit from an intergenerational relationship. In fact, when
children find out they can help the older people in their life, it boosts confidence, and fosters
respect and appreciation. Have your child swap planned learning time with the older person in
their life for mutual learning opportunities that help foster a strong foundation for their
relationship. The technology of today gives your child the skills to teach an older person how to
do things on the computer, while an older adult can teach your child how to play a game or do
a craft that was popular when they were young.

These types of activities build respect by giving children a firsthand experience of the
knowledge an older person can share. Community centers are an ideal place in which to seek
out or create a program that brings children and older adults together. Time spent together on
learning skills, games and activities that enrich a child’s life fosters a natural progression in the
relationship that leads to appreciation and respect.

Young children get tired and restless quickly, and so do some older adults. Random, unplanned
get-togethers can upset the schedule of an older adult, as well as that of a child. By planning
appropriately, you ensure that both your child and the older adult are ready for a get-together
and have engaging activities to keep them busy and make the time enjoyable for both.

Go for quality over quantity when planning together time. A young child’s level of activity might
initially be energizing to an older adult but hours of it can be exhausting. Conversely, an older
adult can have a calming effect on an active child, but after a while soothing can turn into
boring. Experiment with different lengths of time to see what works best. Watch for cues from
your child and the older adult to be proactive and prevent problems.

Promoting an intergenerational relationship between your child and an older adult does more
than teach your child to respect and appreciate them. It helps preserve history, opens a child’s
eyes to diversity, and expands their world in a way that no other type of friendship can.

Olivia Stanford is a lifestyle consultant and writes for dogwoodforest.com, a beautiful
assisted living atlanta facility for senior citizens of Georgia.

Children and Charity

Involving Children in Philanthropy

Encouraging your child to take an interest in charity from an early age not only benefits which ever worthy cause grabs their attention, but can also play a massive role in boosting their own personal development.

You might think sparking your child’s interest in charity will be difficult; after all, many charities work to try and eradicate problems of an ‘adult’ nature that many think of as being beyond a child’s grasp.

Admittedly, the sense of empathy that leads most adults to make charitable donations depends on them being able to understand the context of other people’s suffering and imagine themselves in such a position. Children can find this difficult, given their limited frame of reference for comprehending the world around them.

However, I’ve always been inspired by children’s keenly developed sense of injustice. As annoying as it is to hear repeated moans of “but it’s not fair!” over trivial issues such as bed times, a child’s natural desire for justice can be used to divert attentions away from selfish concerns, towards the plight of the genuinely needy.

Normalise Giving

For us to become truly committed to anything it needs to become part of our everyday routine. Children are, naturally, more flexible in their routines than adults. Any parent can tell you how something can be a matter of life and death to a child one week, then completely forgotten about by the next. Having said this, the ideas we pick up as children have the potential to stay with us forever.

Therefore, it is important to try and make giving to charity feel like a normal thing. A great way of doing this is to encourage your child to give a portion of the regular allowance they earn from doing chores to a charity.

In any case, when giving your child an allowance, it can be a good idea to help them draft up a little budget to decide how much they want to spend on small treats and how much they want to save towards something big. You might try and get them to include a good cause in this budget.

This will help prepare them for when they have an adult’s income, not all of which is disposable. Budgeting in this way will also increase your child’s appreciation of money as, even if you aren’t making them work particularly hard for it, they will have to think more carefully about the conundrum attached to all spending, namely, ‘what is most worthy of my cash?’

Business people and economists would call this ‘opportunity cost’, meaning the cost of having to choose one thing over another. Co-creating a budget with your child helps them understand this issue and appreciate their money more. Therefore, giving money away not only becomes a regular part of their lives, they also understand better the value of what it means to give.

Celebrate Charity

You can go one step further than this by making charity a central part of the special occasions your child looks forward to, such as Christmas. It is very easy to work charity into your fun family traditions.

For example, in the run up to Christmas you could set up a routine of clearing the kid’s rooms, picking out old toys that they no longer need and donating them to charity. They’ll associate this with the magic of the season, and, if you remind them that, after all, they’re making room for new toys, they can still see the sacrifice involved as something exciting.

As a parent I’ve found this has a pleasing double effect. For one thing the kids come to understand that there are people out there having a tougher time of it and are pleased to help out truly needy kids. Secondly, as a side effect of this realisation they appreciate their own gifts all the more.

As children don’t really have the means to go out and buy gifts for other people and, because they tend to receive so many gifts themselves, it is natural enough that most kids think of Christmas as being all about them. Indeed, it is very hard to resist encouraging this by spoiling your kids and experiencing their innocent joy vicariously. Encouraging them to see the holiday in a bigger context helps them adjust to the idea they are apart of a world that extends beyond their own existence.

Empower Kids to Give

Of course, encouraging kids to do good deeds isn’t all that useful if they don’t understand why it is good. Children pick up their moral sensibility from their parents and, despite the fact that every young child’s favourite phrase is “why?”, they often do not question the ethical code they inherit.

Obviously, this is a good thing to a large extent. Helping a four year old through an existential crisis is a challenge for any parent! However, it is good for a child’s moral development not to simply see ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as arbitrary labels you, or another figure of authority have decided on.

Getting a child to choose which charity they’d like to contribute to is a good of way getting them to realize their own beliefs. Picking a charity will make a child think about what makes a cause worth contributing to, rather than simply chalking it down as a good deed without thinking about it.

Making a gift donation in a child’s name often falls flat as a gesture as, to be honest, most kids would prefer a toy, and, as they had no role in making the decision they don’t feel attached to the cause. However, you can buy gift cards which work like online vouchers and allow kids to donate to charities of their own choosing. Kids often thrive when they feel they have a sense of responsibility and will want to get involved with anything that makes them feel empowered.

Getting Involved in the Community

Charity events offer a good chance for kids to interact with their peers and get involved in the community whilst learning about collaborative efforts. Even something simple like a bake sale will cover these areas whilst being fun, engaging and involving responsibility.

Encourage your children to get involved in, or perhaps even introduce, charitable activities to the social clubs they attend, such as their softball team or dance class. If you to are involved in the club it can provide the kids with a great opportunity to take matters into their own hands. You can consult them on their own fund raising ideas and give them a large role in the organising of the events. This will allow children to take ownership of their actions.

This is important for children, as without this sense of ownership they will take less sense of fulfillment from their positive actions. It can also one of the factors behind children‘s misbehaviour. If children are always simply being told to do the right thing and exactly how to do it, the may have to resort to naughtiness simply for the feeling of having done something for themselves.

Preparing for the Future

In conclusion teaching kids about charity at an early age can help develop a sense of ethics, budgeting, independence, organisational skills and can even be a start to developing a great CV (many colleges look to see how involved candidates have been in extra curricular community services as part of their admissions processes). If it involves events such as sponsored runs charity can even improve your child’s fitness!

Given all these different areas that giving to charity touches on, it really is a great way to help your children become conscientious citizens who, hopefully, will grow up realizing there’s more to philanthropy than tax breaks.

Guest post by Steve Waller, helping people find care assistant jobs in the UK via his comprehensive search engine.

Kids Gardening Lessons

The warm weather is here, and the great outdoors has so many lessons for us to teach our children while we are out and about!

As I was planting the vegetable garden in our yard, the following thought came to me:

Weeds are easy.

There’s no need to till the ground, add special nutrients to the soil, put up gates to keep out the deer, or water the weeds. No, none of that is necessary at all. The weeds just grow on their own. What could be easier?

On the other hand, lots of effort is required to plant strong and healthy tomato plants. (As my broken nails and scrapes can attest to!) Since the soil in Baltimore is acidic, I added lime to the potting mix. Let’s not even talk about tilling hard soil filled with tree roots! Staking the plants, watering, fertilizing, keeping the hungry animals away… getting buckets filled with homegrown tomatoes takes quite a bit of effort.

And that’s exactly the point of this little article:

The negative stuff comes easily. Like fast growing weeds, it’s easy to complain, get angry, or worry incessantly.

The positive stuff takes effort. It doesn’t come naturally to swallow our anger and stay calm in the face of adversity. It takes quite a bit of effort to see the positive side of life and avoid complaining about the negatives.

And, as nature has shown us, weeds are easy.

When we lose ourselves in anger and complaints, we’re just letting weeds grow wild. When we make the effort to see our glasses as half-full and keep impulsive reactions of anger under wraps by maintaining a calm disposition, we are growing our personal self-development garden.

Next time your child throws a tantrum (or next time you do!), show her the weeds outside. It’s easy to lose control and kick and scream. Tending to strong plants, like displaying calm reactions, takes effort. This is the kind of effort that results in fulfilling relationships, many real friendships, and internal peace of mind.

Kindergarten Bullying: Awareness and Prevention

No parent wants to imagine that the precious kindergartner you drop off at school in the morning will be using every opportunity during the day to make another or several other classmates’ lives sheer misery in the classroom, on the playground, and even in the bathroom. Such is the nature of the Kindergarten bully. Why a child becomes a bully, how he or she can be identified at school, the serious effects such behavior can have on those victimized, and how to prevent bullying at such a young age are all important issues to consider, especially when you realize that as many as 18% of kindergartners are regularly bullied at school.

Kindergarten bullying comes in three forms: verbal, physical, and exclusionary. Left unchecked, it will increase to peak forces by junior high school, where peer relationships, positive or negative, are most powerful. While there are many factors that influence a child’s tendency to become a bully, most of them seem to come from the home environment and behaviors there. Since children as young as 2 years old have been observed practicing bullying to get a toy or position they want, it is imperative that parents do not tolerate aggressive or threatening physical behavior, even at this young age.

Other family risk factors include lack of parental involvement or warmth, lack of supervision, parents or older siblings who model bullying, harsh physical discipline, and being a victim of bullying at home. Having friends who exhibit bullying behavior and value violent or aggressive actions is also a contributing factor. Additionally, the potential negative influence of TV, movies, and video games cannot be overstated. Finally, the elementary school itself, including kindergarten that ignores or minimizes such behaviors between young children is, in fact, endorsing those very negative interactions.

The typical signs of bullying in kindergarten include physical aggressiveness such as pushing, tripping, slapping, hitting, kicking, stepping on feet, pinching, and even choking. Social bullying often involves name calling, hate speech, hurtful teasing, threatening, and saying nasty things about the targeted child. Emotional bullying is more apt to be exclusionary. “You can’t be my friend” or “No one wants to play with you” are systematically aimed at the bully’s target. The results from any of these forms of bullying have both serious short-term and long-term effects.

The childhood victim of bullying suffers on several levels. The kindergartner may be physically hurt by the aggressive, even dangerous actions of a bigger, stronger child. The usual response is increased timidity and isolation that often develops into a dislike or fear of school, resulting in increased absenteeism. Worse yet, the defensive responses of the child such as crying or running away serve to make him or her, an easily recognizable target for future attacks and increased bullying.

Over the long-term, teens and adults who were bullied as young children often struggle with low self-esteem issues. They may even feel that they deserve being mistreated by others. A feeling of powerlessness may cause them to run away physically or emotionally to drugs and alcohol. Depression and chronic migraines or non-migraine headaches are more frequent within this group as well.

Both parents and the schools can take an active role in preventing kindergarten bullying. Parents need to realize that their children may be at fault, and telltale signs such as disrespectful behavior at home, arrogance and sarcasm, bossiness, taking frustrations out on other younger siblings, and talking unkindly about classmates are all warning flags. Any child who behaves in these ways at home is probably doing similar bullying actions in other places including the classroom and playground. Kind but forceful and consistent intervention is absolutely necessary. Investigate, judge the situation, and discipline as necessary each and every time until the behaviors are modified. Obviously, building a healthy relationship with your child and discussing bullying and respectful relationships is crucial as well. The bottom line is that young children model what they see, especially from authority figures such as parents and teachers.

For teachers of kindergartners, studies show that bullying can be reduced as much as 50% by introducing curriculum that deals with the subject, setting clear school rules, and enforcing them. Positive affirmation for appropriate behavior is important because children at this age really care about teacher-approval. Watch closely for possible bullies and avoid showing any favoritism. Stories that illustrate respectful behavior allow for discussion and play-acting as well. Kindergarten bullying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed both at school and at home for proper resolution.

Jennifer Mizuhara is a writer for Findourschool.com.

More resources to help with bullying

The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying: A Complete Guide for Teachers & Parents

Hot Issues, Cool Choices: Facing Bullies, Peer Pressure, Popularity, and Put-downs

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool–How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition)

Kid Friendly Movies

Everybody needs a family fun night, where all the family can gather together and spend some quality time together. Try this tonight: have everyone help cook dinner, then grab a family-friendly movie and gather around the television for some relaxation. Movie night is a great time to pair fun with teaching good life lessons to your kids. Try out these movies for a lot of laughs and messages about the importance of environmental awareness, history, and the power of families.

Wall-E This Pixar movie about a robot who cleans up Earth leads us on a whirlwind journey through space. Kids will love this animated adventure and adults will get the chance to talk to their kids about the importance of taking care of the planet and ourselves. Wall-E is a great feature film for family fun night because of its message of environmental awareness and because Wall-E is just that adorable. Rated G. 98 minutes long.

Night at the Museum This story brings a museum to life at night, in an action-filled exploration of the Museum of Natural History in New York. Kids — and probably most parents — will get a lesson about history intertwined with a hilarious romp through a magical world brought to life on the big screen. A story about the power of imagination, Night at the Museum will capture the minds of child and adult alike. Rated PG. 108 minutes long. And if you’re looking for a double feature, you can always check out the sequel, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, for a look at another of the great American museums, The Smithsonian in Washington D.C.

Up Another Pixar movie, Up tells the story of a balloon salesman who heads off on an adventure when his house floats away after he attaches thousands of balloons to the roof. Kids will like the over-the-top events and lovable characters, while parents will love the heart and message about finding family where you can. Rated PG. 96 minutes long.

The Wizard of Oz A classic with something for everyone, The Wizard of Oz is the perfect family feature film. It’s a story about finding home, and the love and safety of being with family. Whether you’re watching for the songs (“Over the Rainbow”) or to see the Cowardly Lion find his courage, gather around the television and share this piece of cinema history with the whole family. Rated G. 101 minutes long.

Grab the family, make some dinner, and settle down for a feature film tonight. If you’re looking to learn a little history, try out Night at the Museum. If the “green” bug has got you, grab Wall-E and cheer him on in cleaning up the Earth. And, since family fun night is all about family, sit down with Up or pick up the classic The Wizard of Oz to reinforce those values of love and respect that come with having a close-knit family.

How To Deal With Teens Lying

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

There are two major issues to be considered with respect to teens lying to their parents: the parent-child relationship and the extent to which the teen sees his parents as authority figures.

First, we’ll examine the relationship.  As discussed in my most recent article on the subject of parenting teenagers and peer pressure, if we expect to have a meaningful impact on our teen’s choices, we have to be in a connected relationship with them. A parent-teen relationship should possess the same qualities as any other relationship: with trust at the foundation. My daughter needs to know that she can trust me to tell her the truth, trust that I want what is best for her, trust that I will be there when she needs me, trust I won’t crush her dreams, and trust that I will make sacrifices to help her get where she wants to go.  However, for there to be a relationship, my daughter needs to feel the same way about me.  I can be the most loving, giving dad on the planet, but if my daughter doesn’t respect me, we don’t have a relationship.

Therefore, the expectation I have of my daughter, or any teen I am in a relationship with (I coach basketball), is that we’re honest with each other. “I won’t lie to you, you won’t lie to me.” We can also say, “If you do something wrong, don’t make matters worse by lying about it. I can deal with the truth– I can’t deal with lies.”

In spite of this wonderful philosophy,  let’s say I catch my daughter in a fairly significant lie.  I’d say,”Sarah, sit down here, we have to have a talk.  You obviously lied to me.  I gave   you permission to go to Joanne’s house, but you had no intentions of being at  Joanne’s house.  You planned all along to go see Jason.  Why did you lie to me,  why did you feel you couldn’t be honest with me about this?”

Or

“Sarah, I have some questions for you.  Do I respect you– you know, do I snoop through your backpack, do I look through your cell phone?  No, of course not.  Don’t I try my best to cooperate with you when you want to do something? Didn’t I just agree to  allow you to go to a concert that was being held on a school night?  And how about driving? You get to drive one of our two family cars to school a lot, right? So, explain why lying to me  is OK with you?”

** If you really want to be calm and non-confrontational, say, “You lied to me about where you were going, what’s up with that?”  Doesn’t that sound harmless? “What’s up with that” is a great way to ask, “What is your problem?” or “What’s wrong with you?”

We then engage in a discussion about the incident. Discipline involves communication and teaching. Depending on how the conversation evolves, our teen may or may not suffer a consequence. If we think the message we delivered was sincerely accepted and understood, and she sees the error of her ways, a consequence may not be necessary. If a consequence is appropriate, I prefer, “What are you going to do to make this right?”

Our teen created a problem and our teen will do the thinking– not us.  If her plan is lame, we say, “That is unacceptable, you have to do better than that.” It has to be a losing proposition to be uncooperative and untrustworthy.

We also have to be an authority figure.  Why should our kids listen to us if we’re permissive wimps? Our words would mean nothing. Our kids conclude that our threats are hollow, and that they can manipulate their way out of experiencing a consequence. Waiting until the teen years to start clamping down is often too late because our kids don’t respect our authority. Our kids have to learn when they are young that,  “When my mother speaks, she means it. If I test her, I will lose. As long as I make good decisions, there is a good chance I’ll get to do what I want to do.”

Can I sit here and tell you this approach worked with my daughter? Yes I can. As a kid she slammed doors, kicked me, hit me, and was an unappreciative, entitled child. By ten years of age, she was a self-disciplined kid, because she learned,  “When I make good decisions, I have a great life.”

This includes lying. I do believe she creates her own reality on occasion (ex. “I’ll have enough times in study hall to finishing the book.”), but she is a moral person who doesn’t lie to me or anyone else. In large part, she doesn’t lie to me because we have a connected relationship and she does respect me.

Reframing

The Art of Reframing

It’s not just for artists and professional framers.

Reframing is a psychological tool that can simply transform your life. I know, it sounds pretty cliché, however- it’s the truth.

The other day I was parked in our 5-speed Nissan Sentra facing the playing field outside of my children’s school when I had a premonition of a tragedy about to occur. As I scanned the grass for signs of my boys, my car seemed to move forward with a mind of its own- straight into the students’ busy game of dodge ball! Adrenalin raced through my blood as I futilely slammed on the foot brake while simultaneously jerking the emergency brake upwards- all to no avail, as my car veered dangerously closer to the children.

I know that stick-shift cars (if you’ve ever driven one, you can certainly relate) tend to roll, so I pulled the emergency brake up even higher, and then I realized that my car wasn’t going anywhere at all; rather the minivan on my left was backing out of its parking spot, and the optical illusion made me feel that my car had been moving forward.

Thankfully, that terrifying scare was simply an illusion- an incident that appeared all-too-real, yet with the benefit of hindsight and clarity of vision, was obviously nothing to be afraid of.

That got me thinking- how many times does it happen that we are afraid of something that seems imminently real and totally frightening, depressing, or frustrating- which later turns out to have been not much more significant than my optical illusion in the parking lot?

There’s a famous line that coaches and mentors often use; “Will it matter in five or ten years?”

A tremendous amount of wisdom is implied by that question.

How many of the things that we have done 5 or ten years ago would we have eliminated if we had truly thought about the consequences of our actions? Personally, I’m feeling far too embarrassed to answer such a question publicly!

There’s a statistic I once read which stated that your child will confide in you at the age of seventeen 10% of what he’d shared with you at age seven.

With that in mind, wouldn’t it be prudent to look ahead and create more bonding moments with our children?

Five years from now will it matter that the kitchen floor remained a bit sticky for an additional day because we chose to look through old photo albums with our kids one evening?

Ten years from now will we look back with regret that we lost out on a good night’s sleep because we took a family trip?

When we look at the big picture, the little things simply fade away as though they were meaningless optical illusions.

Let’s plan ahead, as we make parenting choices this holiday season, with vision and clarity!

P.S.  Feel free to share any questions or concerns about parenting  below- so we can address them in the coming weeks:)

How tonight’s dinner can change your life:

Here is a question:  Do You Eat With Your Children?

Many people would say yes, and they are telling the truth: A pop-tart on the way to school, a Lunchable between piano and ball practice, a bowl of popcorn in front of a sitcom. However, if the question were just slightly different:  “Do you eat meals with your family?” Then the resulting answers would be quite a bit different. That’s because so many people may eat with someone, but not many people will eat with their family–at least not on a regular basis. Our lives have become too busy, too hectic; and the availability of fast food, and microwaveable food makes it that much harder to enjoy that good, old fashioned, home-cooked meal with our loved ones. We end up reserving the pleasure for a few, special times of the year.

There is no doubt that eating together is a part of our humanity. For some reason, food has always been the focal point of gatherings. It is amazing how Aunt Gertrude’s famous pumpkin pie can make you happy–even when you only think about it! Food is the weave that keeps the fabric of our lives connected and strong. We can’t imagine a baseball tournament without the pizza party, a Fourth of July without the barbeque, or a friendly card game without the snacks. The feelings and emotions these memories and traditions foster can be the same ones we indulge our children with every day of the week. Every day can be the warm and welcoming family affair that we often only enjoy a few remote times per year.

There have been a multitude of studies on this subject. What researchers are finding out is that families that eat a meal together, at least a few times a week, are healthier emotionally. Emotionally! Many people may not expect that. But it’s true: families that eat together, have children that do better in school, are less depressed, and engage in less destructive behaviors. Also, the children themselves feel more secure–they look forward to the structure of knowing everyone will be together at least once a day. During a family meal together, relationship and open communication is fostered and grown. Healthy values, manners, and memories are created. Kinship is established.

Yet, the attack on family time, and especially family meals, is undeniable. How can we as parents combat this? It takes priority. Priority to make something sacred and unmovable. In our ever-shifting lives and careers, it is worthwhile to make something permanent. And what better than our family time? Dinner together doesn’t have to be long and dramatic–even though the results are. A simple meal from the crock-pot and a quick side salad. Some interesting news from the day. A half hour. This is a recipe for the quality dinner time that our children, and we as parents, need to keep connected. You can even let your children help you plan the meals, to allow them to see that family meals are important as well. Try to establish this priority in your own home life. Even if you start with just once a week–it is worth your time.

So grab a few of your favorite recipes, and plan to sit down this week and enjoy them–as a family! For starters try out Club Burrito for a do-it-yourself lunch or dinner; or make our Cranberry Chicken in your slow cooker for a dinner that is ready for you when you get home. Surprise your kids with Cannoli for Kids, they will love scooping it into the cones themselves, older kids can help with the entire recipe.

Kathy McHenry, founder and CEO of www.MyOnlineMeals.com and owner of www.AfterSchoolSnacks.com, has helped thousands put a real dinner on the table.  Go to www.MyOnlineMeals.com to receive a free weekly recipes and shopping list; and to be added to her monthly newsletter. You can reach Kathy by email at Kathy@myonlinemeals.com.

Who Are You?

RaisingSmallSouls is pleased to introduce Nathan Geisler, Master Life Coach, to provide valuable insights into child rearing. Nathan Geisler M.A., an experienced family therapist, has been an educator for life values for the last 25 years. He teaches and lectures at institutes of higher learning, colleges and universities. He has thousands of students across the globe.

Who Are You?

We are on the cusp of those “lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer”. For most of us, the school year has ended. We are looking ahead at weeks of summer vacation time. This might be an appropriate time to ponder some very important larger issues we and our children (students) are facing.

Before we even begin to address these issues, however, please allow me to pose four general questions which we might be well advised to ask ourselves and then pose to our children (or students).Here are my four fundamental questions:

(1) Who are you?

(2) What do you do?

(3) How well do you do it?

(4) What do you want (or need) in order to improve so that you contribute to making your life better?

Parents (or teachers) who are able to concisely and coherently answer these four questions are then in a position to help their children (or students) to work towards being able to successfully address these questions.

Almost all of our activities could be seen as efforts made to pursue the best answers to these four questions.

The question I want to bring to your attention in this article is: Of these four vital quests, what proportion of the answers do you (as a parent or teacher) assign as a parental responsibility, and what proportion do you allocate as a school responsibility?

Traditionally, the classroom teachers saw their roles “in loco parentis” – in place of a parent.

Let us examine these four quests one by one. This article will deal with an overview of the first quest.

“Who are you?” is a ubiquitous question that has infinite layers of depth. In many ways, the developmental processes of education help to continually broaden the answer to “who are you?”. This begins with the ability of children to state their names clearly when asked, “who are you?’ and advancing to the skill of writing their names and addresses. Gender identity is also expressed at this stage of school entry. The mix of other children in the classroom alerts children to the reality that the others in the class have different parents and different families.

Schooling generally goes a long way in helping to foster identification with one’s country, region, state and city and the responsibilities and privileges of citizenship. The answer to “who are you?” might now include American, Canadian, New Yorker, Texan or citizen of Hometown, USA.

Frequently the answer to “who are you?” includes an aspect of cultural and ethnic identity which might also merge or cross with a religious affiliation. “I am a Hispanic”, “I am a WASP”, “I am a Native-American”, etc. Awareness of the answer to “who are you?” as it stands in contrast to the differing answers of others can be a valuable contribution of the school to the successful socialization of the child.

At a more advanced and introspective level, “who are you?” can be interpreted as an existential quest for meaning and value in our lives. Hopefully, the high-school level of literature, history and thought development can help the student frame the question. For many people, this quest is just not part of their vocabulary. These people live their lives with a spiritually stunted growth. Life is simply richer and more meaningful when this aspect of “who are you?” is clearly addressed.

We have seen that education and schooling can go a long way in addressing the question “who are you?”.

Perhaps the single, most important factor in successfully navigating the journey to self-identity is the child’s “perspective of self”.

If the self is viewed as an expanding continuity, then children see themselves as whole beings ready to develop and grow through life. They are gifted with the ability to change and yet still keep their concept of self (“who am I?”) intact.

This most crucial component of self-development is rooted in the home. Each teacher, no matter how influential, usually is replaced by a new teacher come September. Thus, the family is the pivotal center of self-development.

The key to successfully answering the question “who are you?” at every stage of life’s journey is rooted in a strong, positive family relationship.

How comfortable are you (parent or teacher) with the question “who are you?” ?.

How much of your answer is tied up in the roles you play i.e. what you’re doing and not about your core being?

I’m Overwhelmed!

Question: I am the mother of 4 beautiful small souls, ages 11, 10, 7, and 6. I arrive home from work about the same time that they get home each day, and I am so tired and drained that all I want to do is rest on the sofa with a good book or TV show for an hour or two.

However, the reality is that I need to reconnect with the kids, sometimes cook dinner, help with homework, chauffeur them to play practice, etc. My husband commutes a long distance and does not arrive home until 9pm. Shortening my hours at work is not an option. Each evening I feel resentful that the kids are needy, they want to talk, they want my help, they want to be served dinner, when all I want is peace and quiet! I DO all these things for my kids, and they’re terrific kids, but all the same, I feel so conflicted and afraid that they will pick up on the emotional nuances I may be projecting- that I would really prefer that they all disappear for two or three hours so that I can relax!

Signed, Totally Overwhelmed!

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Dear Overwhelmed,

What you are experiencing is what every Mom in your position feels if she is honest about her feelings. Let’s talk about what can be done to make it a better experience for you and your family.

When you get home you are exhausted and want an hour off. How about taking 15-30 minutes of “down time”? Change into comfortable cloths, have a snack with your kids and just sit with your feel up and allow your body to relax. Your kids could probably use some “down time” before starting the whirlwind of homework, practice, supper etc…

You said that cutting back on your hours at work is not an option. In today’s economy it is often necessary to have two incomes. Perhaps you can put some of that money to work for you. Can you hire help to assist you for an hour or two say twice a week?

Many of your friends and neighbors crave the same “break” and “support” you do. I had a standing Thurs night arrangement with one of my friends whose husband worked late. We alternated supper at each other’s homes every week. The kids enjoyed the change, we got to socialize, and otherwise help one another. Best of all, every other week one of us essentially got a free night when we didn’t have to cook supper or clean up.

Similarly, you can arrange carpools to the various after school activities. This way you only have to drive some of the time. Believe me the other parents will be very grateful.

Get a babysitter once a week and invest in some “Mommy Time”. You are juggling a lot between a full work schedule and a full household. You need to replenish in order to be able to operate optimally. Go to the gym, a movie, or whatever it is that you enjoy. Remember- your kids need you to care for yourself, so that you can better care for them.

Children and Volunteerism: Making the World a Better Place

Do you ever feel that the hectic holiday rushing takes the meaning and spirit out of these special times?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful ideas to incorporate principles and morals into the holiday season:

When President John F. Kennedy, in 1961, said “ask not what this country can do for you, but what you can do for this country,” he was reminding us that self-sacrifice and community service are the cornerstones of a viable democracy; that, in fact, they are values without which a democratic society cannot long endure.

Volunteerism – the general willingness to go beyond the parochial call of self-interest – as a state of action as well as of mind was integral to the spirit of the American Revolution. America’s Founding Fathers understood that freedom was not simply a privilege, but a duty – that in order to remain free, a people must be willing to contribute freely toward the common good. Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and their visionary colleagues understood that volunteerism checks the insidious growth of government, a concern that was uppermost in their minds.

That community-centered spirit has permeated the fabric of American life for more than two hundred years. Today, recognized as the essence of good citizenship, volunteerism manifests itself in the activities of Eagle Scouting, Habitat for Humanity, Junior Leagues, Rotary Clubs, and numerous other civic-minded organizations across the nation. In 1989, President Bush made the call to community service national policy as part of his Points of Light Initiative. The president’s three-part strategy included the call to claim society’s ills as our own; to identify, enlarge, and multiply community-based volunteerism initiatives that are already working; and to discover and develop leaders who can continue invigorating those grassroots efforts.

Indeed, community service means much more than simply tossing a few bucks into a bucket or checking off a payroll deduction to your company’s favorite charity. It’s relatively easy to give money. What’s required is that we be willing to give of ourselves, to make sacrifice in terms of our energy and our time. It’s also necessary that we pass this value from generation to generation by teaching our children the relationship between volunteerism, good citizenship, and the continuing maintenance of democracy.

Volunteerism Begins At Home

Turning a child into a good citizen is the crux of the socialization process, which begins during toddlerhood. Courtesy of parents who understand the importance of setting and enforcing limits on behavior and appetites, a child none-too-quickly comes to accept that he isn’t the center of the universe.

Turning the tyrant of toddlerhood into a functional member of the community requires that the family serve as a microcosm of society. In effect, the family must require of the child what the community will eventually require of him – honesty, responsibility, respect for others, a willingness to share, industriousness, and so on. These social values must also be family values, and they must be as much a part of the child’s daily life as three square meals.

Parents can begin teaching the social value of volunteerism by assigning to a child as young as three a daily routine of household chores. First, the child learns to pick up after himself, take care of his own possessions, and keep his room orderly. As the child becomes more capable, the routine expands into common areas of the home. The child learns to vacuum, mop floors, wash dishes, and eventually, do his or her own laundry and assist in the preparation of meals. In the process, the child learns that being a member of a family involves not just sharing the family’s wealth, but its work as well. Paraphrasing President Kennedy, the child learns to ask “not what the family can do for him, but what he can do for the family.” And by the way, this lesson is less effectively learned – if it is ever learned at all – when parents pay for chores. Giving a child money for accepting a fair share of family responsibilities teaches him to ask not “what can I do to help?” but “what’s in it for me”?

Show and Tell

Parents can impress upon children the importance of community service with a simple civics lesson: Pointing out that without volunteer support, there would be no community sports programs, no scouting, no 4-H or Future Homemakers, no shelters for the homeless, no Sunday School classes, no neighborhood playground, no summer programs at the local “Y”; likewise, pointing out how essential volunteers are to neighborhood organizations, public and private schools, nursing homes, churches, hospitals, the care of the handicapped and chronically-ill. Is there a volunteer fire department in your community? How about a local Red Cross chapter? A children’s museum? Indeed, the list of volunteer-dependent organizations and activities within a community is almost endless. The fact is, volunteers form the backbone of our communities, making them better places for us all to live, to work, to play. Challenge your children to recognize volunteer efforts when they see them and likewise take note when they are lacking. Volunteering, especially at a young age, encourages compassion for others.

And when voluntary effort is lacking in some aspect of your community’s life, what’s to stop you from taking the initiative yourself? Seize the teachable moment and explore ways that you and your children can fill in “volunteerism gaps” that you have identified together.

See that unsightly trash along the neighborhood creek? Rather than grouse that “somebody ought to do something about that mess,” why not be that very somebody? Organize a neighborhood team to clean it up and include the kids. As they learn the importance of taking initiative and following a task through to completion, they’ll also be practicing what I call the “Three Rs of Good Citizenship”:

Respect, Responsibility, and Resourcefulness.

In these and similar ways, parents can teach that one person can make a difference in this world. As Eugene M. Land, founder and chairman of the I Have a Dream Foundation, has written: “Magnitude or complexities must not immobilize or depreciate the ability of any person to contribute meaningfully to solutions.” In other words, when you see a problem, go the extra mile and find the solution. In effect, be the solution.

In The Pudding, Find The Proof

Consider the families who have already made a commitment to community service. Last summer, a Gallup survey of over 1,000 American households found that in more than one-third of all households, and in nearly half of all middle-income households, volunteering is a big part of family life. Among families with adults in their middle years, some 35 percent of parents volunteer alongside their children. The numbers also tell us that once the pattern is established, family volunteering tends to become a tradition. Eighty percent of the volunteers interviewed had been serving with another family member for three years or more.

And while it’s true that volunteering is a way to solve problems while helping other people, that’s only the beginning. In the same Gallup poll, when participants were asked to describe the main benefit they receive from volunteering, more than half cited personal satisfaction.

In the forward to the excellent reference book Volunteerism, The Committee on Marshaling Human Resources says the volunteer not only improves the community, but himself as well. They cite “the contact it provides with other people – the companionship, the friendship, the fellowship of working with others on a common goal.” In short, parents who help their children learn the value of serving others are contributing immeasurably to their children’s lives – present and future.

A couple of friends of mine, themselves active in numerous volunteer initiatives, make community service a “family affair” as often as possible. As one example, every Christmas the whole family takes several underprivileged children shopping for clothes and toys. As they recently told me, “The benefits to the family, and especially the children, are inestimable. They already understand that the value of life is not measured in terms of what you have, but what you give. For example, although we could certainly afford to purchase for them most of the materialistic trophies their friends have acquired, our children ask for very little.”

Several years ago, other friends began requiring that each of their three pre-teen and teenage children become involved in a sustained volunteer effort of choice (scouting, Hospital Auxiliary, Junior Civitan) for every extracurricular activity or organization (team sport, cheerleading, social club) they joined. The children’s mother: “At this point, the kids are more energized by their community service than they are their soccer and such. Perhaps the most rewarding thing to their father and I is the comments other people make concerning their maturity.”

Where To Start

Here are some suggested starting points if you’re interested in getting your children involved in community service:
• Check out the volunteer opportunities available through your local hospital, nursing homes, and community mental health center.

• Look for a Volunteer Action Center whose purpose is to steer volunteers toward opportunities that are mutually beneficial and enjoyable. These local centers refer an estimated half million new volunteers each year who provide more than 100 million hours of service annually.

• Contact your local Red Cross, your state’s Governor’s Office on Volunteering, or one of the 3,000 plus United Way offices across the country.

• Call the Nationwide Hotline on Volunteer Opportunities (toll-free, 800-424-8867 ) for information about the national service network that encompasses VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America), the National Civilian Community Corps, and the AmeriCorps initiative which President Clinton referenced in his most recent State of the Union address.

• Check into Learn and Serve America, a federal program that seeks to involve children in community service as part of their school curriculum.

• Yet another noteworthy program, Super Volunteers!, directs the energies and enthusiasm of children toward improving the quality of life in their own communities while drawing support and sponsorship from business and industry, churches and synagogues. “We work within existing youth groups such as Boy and Girl Scouts, Campfire, Special Olympics, where there’s an already-existing leadership structure,” says president Harriet L. Kipps. To find out more about Super Volunteers! call (703)354-6270 .

Matching the child to the volunteer effort insures not only that the child will stick with it, but the greatest benefit for all concerned. Older youths, for example, could let career interests guide them: Aspiring doctors might serve in a hospital environment; future military leaders can join the Civil Air Patrol; environmentalists could lend their energies to a local nature conservancy. Guiding a younger child toward compatible community service requires that parents help the child answer the following questions:

• What are my interests? What do I really enjoy?
• What’s something I’ve always wanted to do?
• Would I prefer working with large or small groups? Indoors or out?
• What are three problems in my community or elsewhere that need solutions?

With the long stretch of vacation ahead, why not resist the urge to “veg and let veg” and instead dedicate a healthy portion of your family’s summer to some public-spirited volunteer effort? Believe me, once the ball is rolling, it will be impossible to stop!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

Thanksgiving Vs. Giving thanks

Polite children say “thank you”. Politeness is a virtue, but it is not the same as goodness. Reciting “thank you” is a level beyond ignoring something good; however it is simply a statement, not necessarily a feeling. How can we instill the attitude of gratitude in our children? The challenge is to take the words, the habits, and politeness, and turn it into genuine goodness.

The expression of thanks is a method of genuinely expressing gratitude. In order to effectively teach this trait, it is imperative that parents must first own the attitude of, “My cup runneth over” – I am grateful for the many blessings in my life. It’s easy to get swept away in the myriad of things that keep us busy, and forget to have gratitude for what we have. Have you ever bought a piece of furniture that required assembly? Sometimes a part is missing, or the instructions were written incoherently, and the process of assembly was fraught with frustration. However, in the end, there is a beautiful new desk or armoire. Children can be likened to the raw materials in the unassembled box: they are wonderful; however the oftentimes frustrating process of ‘putting them together’ allows us to forget that they are a blessing!

In life, what we focus on expands, and what we ignore, contracts. When we focus on what we have, we bring a mentality of abundance into our life, and vice versa: a disposition of scarcity is the result when we focus on what we lack. Teenage girls have a unique vision of scarcity upon gazing at a closet filled with clothing and grumbling, “I have nothing to wear!” Teen boys do the same in front of a refrigerator filled with food by complaining, “There’s nothing to eat!” Focusing on a lack creates a real hole in life, and continued attention to that hole causes it to grow bigger- no matter how much we actually have.

A valuable exercise is to ask our children, “Do we need this? Where would we be without this?” For example, what if we would ask our child, “Do we really need electricity?” and follow up with, “If the electricity went out for a long time, what would we do?” These conversations will stimulate ideas about being resourceful. They can be a springboard to discuss the idea that billions of people still live without electricity, as did our ancestors for many years. The limited amounts of certain natural resources can bring about a family discussion on the subject of not wasting electricity- which will have a far more lasting impact than shouts of, “Turn off that light!”

If you are reading these words online, you have a technologically advantageous lifestyle that kings and queens of prior centuries could not have envisioned! Let us take the time to internalize all the good that surrounds us and share this spirit of thankfulness with our loved ones. A blessed Thanksgiving to all.

Next Page »