Create Enjoyable Associations

Young children especially are often afraid of older people, particularly if they don’t spend a lot
of time around them. The aged appearance and voice of a senior citizen can come across as
scary and is often portrayed that way in television shows and movies. If your child doesn’t have
grandparents nearby, it’s important that you take the time to create pleasurable associations
regarding spending time around older people. Doing so can help ease a false sense of fear and
replace it with feelings of happiness and anticipation of the next get-together.

Take your young child to the library to listen to an older volunteer read stories. Find out if your
church or child’s school has a buddy program that pairs children with a senior citizen and take
advantage of such a program to build pleasant experiences between your child and the older
generation.

Children aren’t the only ones to benefit from an intergenerational relationship. In fact, when
children find out they can help the older people in their life, it boosts confidence, and fosters
respect and appreciation. Have your child swap planned learning time with the older person in
their life for mutual learning opportunities that help foster a strong foundation for their
relationship. The technology of today gives your child the skills to teach an older person how to
do things on the computer, while an older adult can teach your child how to play a game or do
a craft that was popular when they were young.

These types of activities build respect by giving children a firsthand experience of the
knowledge an older person can share. Community centers are an ideal place in which to seek
out or create a program that brings children and older adults together. Time spent together on
learning skills, games and activities that enrich a child’s life fosters a natural progression in the
relationship that leads to appreciation and respect.

Young children get tired and restless quickly, and so do some older adults. Random, unplanned
get-togethers can upset the schedule of an older adult, as well as that of a child. By planning
appropriately, you ensure that both your child and the older adult are ready for a get-together
and have engaging activities to keep them busy and make the time enjoyable for both.

Go for quality over quantity when planning together time. A young child’s level of activity might
initially be energizing to an older adult but hours of it can be exhausting. Conversely, an older
adult can have a calming effect on an active child, but after a while soothing can turn into
boring. Experiment with different lengths of time to see what works best. Watch for cues from
your child and the older adult to be proactive and prevent problems.

Promoting an intergenerational relationship between your child and an older adult does more
than teach your child to respect and appreciate them. It helps preserve history, opens a child’s
eyes to diversity, and expands their world in a way that no other type of friendship can.

Olivia Stanford is a lifestyle consultant and writes for dogwoodforest.com, a beautiful
assisted living atlanta facility for senior citizens of Georgia.

Encouraging your child to take an interest in charity from an early age not only benefits which ever worthy cause grabs their attention, but can also play a massive role in boosting their own personal development.

You might think sparking your child’s interest in charity will be difficult; after all, many charities work to try and eradicate problems of an ‘adult’ nature that many think of as being beyond a child’s grasp.

Admittedly, the sense of empathy that leads most adults to make charitable donations depends on them being able to understand the context of other people’s suffering and imagine themselves in such a position. Children can find this difficult, given their limited frame of reference for comprehending the world around them.

However, I’ve always been inspired by children’s keenly developed sense of injustice. As annoying as it is to hear repeated moans of “but it’s not fair!” over trivial issues such as bed times, a child’s natural desire for justice can be used to divert attentions away from selfish concerns, towards the plight of the genuinely needy.

Normalise Giving

For us to become truly committed to anything it needs to become part of our everyday routine. Children are, naturally, more flexible in their routines than adults. Any parent can tell you how something can be a matter of life and death to a child one week, then completely forgotten about by the next. Having said this, the ideas we pick up as children have the potential to stay with us forever.

Therefore, it is important to try and make giving to charity feel like a normal thing. A great way of doing this is to encourage your child to give a portion of the regular allowance they earn from doing chores to a charity.

In any case, when giving your child an allowance, it can be a good idea to help them draft up a little budget to decide how much they want to spend on small treats and how much they want to save towards something big. You might try and get them to include a good cause in this budget.

This will help prepare them for when they have an adult’s income, not all of which is disposable. Budgeting in this way will also increase your child’s appreciation of money as, even if you aren’t making them work particularly hard for it, they will have to think more carefully about the conundrum attached to all spending, namely, ‘what is most worthy of my cash?’

Business people and economists would call this ‘opportunity cost’, meaning the cost of having to choose one thing over another. Co-creating a budget with your child helps them understand this issue and appreciate their money more. Therefore, giving money away not only becomes a regular part of their lives, they also understand better the value of what it means to give.

Celebrate Charity

You can go one step further than this by making charity a central part of the special occasions your child looks forward to, such as Christmas. It is very easy to work charity into your fun family traditions.

For example, in the run up to Christmas you could set up a routine of clearing the kid’s rooms, picking out old toys that they no longer need and donating them to charity. They’ll associate this with the magic of the season, and, if you remind them that, after all, they’re making room for new toys, they can still see the sacrifice involved as something exciting.

As a parent I’ve found this has a pleasing double effect. For one thing the kids come to understand that there are people out there having a tougher time of it and are pleased to help out truly needy kids. Secondly, as a side effect of this realisation they appreciate their own gifts all the more.

As children don’t really have the means to go out and buy gifts for other people and, because they tend to receive so many gifts themselves, it is natural enough that most kids think of Christmas as being all about them. Indeed, it is very hard to resist encouraging this by spoiling your kids and experiencing their innocent joy vicariously. Encouraging them to see the holiday in a bigger context helps them adjust to the idea they are apart of a world that extends beyond their own existence.

Empower Kids to Give

Of course, encouraging kids to do good deeds isn’t all that useful if they don’t understand why it is good. Children pick up their moral sensibility from their parents and, despite the fact that every young child’s favourite phrase is “why?”, they often do not question the ethical code they inherit.

Obviously, this is a good thing to a large extent. Helping a four year old through an existential crisis is a challenge for any parent! However, it is good for a child’s moral development not to simply see ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as arbitrary labels you, or another figure of authority have decided on.

Getting a child to choose which charity they’d like to contribute to is a good of way getting them to realize their own beliefs. Picking a charity will make a child think about what makes a cause worth contributing to, rather than simply chalking it down as a good deed without thinking about it.

Making a gift donation in a child’s name often falls flat as a gesture as, to be honest, most kids would prefer a toy, and, as they had no role in making the decision they don’t feel attached to the cause. However, you can buy gift cards which work like online vouchers and allow kids to donate to charities of their own choosing. Kids often thrive when they feel they have a sense of responsibility and will want to get involved with anything that makes them feel empowered.

Getting Involved in the Community

Charity events offer a good chance for kids to interact with their peers and get involved in the community whilst learning about collaborative efforts. Even something simple like a bake sale will cover these areas whilst being fun, engaging and involving responsibility.

Encourage your children to get involved in, or perhaps even introduce, charitable activities to the social clubs they attend, such as their softball team or dance class. If you to are involved in the club it can provide the kids with a great opportunity to take matters into their own hands. You can consult them on their own fund raising ideas and give them a large role in the organising of the events. This will allow children to take ownership of their actions.

This is important for children, as without this sense of ownership they will take less sense of fulfillment from their positive actions. It can also one of the factors behind children‘s misbehaviour. If children are always simply being told to do the right thing and exactly how to do it, the may have to resort to naughtiness simply for the feeling of having done something for themselves.

Preparing for the Future

In conclusion teaching kids about charity at an early age can help develop a sense of ethics, budgeting, independence, organisational skills and can even be a start to developing a great CV (many colleges look to see how involved candidates have been in extra curricular community services as part of their admissions processes). If it involves events such as sponsored runs charity can even improve your child’s fitness!

Given all these different areas that giving to charity touches on, it really is a great way to help your children become conscientious citizens who, hopefully, will grow up realizing there’s more to philanthropy than tax breaks.

Guest post by Steve Waller, helping people find care assistant jobs in the UK via his comprehensive search engine.

The warm weather is here, and the great outdoors has so many lessons for us to teach our children while we are out and about!

As I was planting the vegetable garden in our yard, the following thought came to me:

Weeds are easy.

There’s no need to till the ground, add special nutrients to the soil, put up gates to keep out the deer, or water the weeds. No, none of that is necessary at all. The weeds just grow on their own. What could be easier?

On the other hand, lots of effort is required to plant strong and healthy tomato plants. (As my broken nails and scrapes can attest to!) Since the soil in Baltimore is acidic, I added lime to the potting mix. Let’s not even talk about tilling hard soil filled with tree roots! Staking the plants, watering, fertilizing, keeping the hungry animals away… getting buckets filled with homegrown tomatoes takes quite a bit of effort.

And that’s exactly the point of this little article:

The negative stuff comes easily. Like fast growing weeds, it’s easy to complain, get angry, or worry incessantly.

The positive stuff takes effort. It doesn’t come naturally to swallow our anger and stay calm in the face of adversity. It takes quite a bit of effort to see the positive side of life and avoid complaining about the negatives.

And, as nature has shown us, weeds are easy.

When we lose ourselves in anger and complaints, we’re just letting weeds grow wild. When we make the effort to see our glasses as half-full and keep impulsive reactions of anger under wraps by maintaining a calm disposition, we are growing our personal self-development garden.

Next time your child throws a tantrum (or next time you do!), show her the weeds outside. It’s easy to lose control and kick and scream. Tending to strong plants, like displaying calm reactions, takes effort. This is the kind of effort that results in fulfilling relationships, many real friendships, and internal peace of mind.

No parent wants to imagine that the precious kindergartner you drop off at school in the morning will be using every opportunity during the day to make another or several other classmates’ lives sheer misery in the classroom, on the playground, and even in the bathroom. Such is the nature of the Kindergarten bully. Why a child becomes a bully, how he or she can be identified at school, the serious effects such behavior can have on those victimized, and how to prevent bullying at such a young age are all important issues to consider, especially when you realize that as many as 18% of kindergartners are regularly bullied at school.

Kindergarten bullying comes in three forms: verbal, physical, and exclusionary. Left unchecked, it will increase to peak forces by junior high school, where peer relationships, positive or negative, are most powerful. While there are many factors that influence a child’s tendency to become a bully, most of them seem to come from the home environment and behaviors there. Since children as young as 2 years old have been observed practicing bullying to get a toy or position they want, it is imperative that parents do not tolerate aggressive or threatening physical behavior, even at this young age.

Other family risk factors include lack of parental involvement or warmth, lack of supervision, parents or older siblings who model bullying, harsh physical discipline, and being a victim of bullying at home. Having friends who exhibit bullying behavior and value violent or aggressive actions is also a contributing factor. Additionally, the potential negative influence of TV, movies, and video games cannot be overstated. Finally, the elementary school itself, including kindergarten that ignores or minimizes such behaviors between young children is, in fact, endorsing those very negative interactions.

The typical signs of bullying in kindergarten include physical aggressiveness such as pushing, tripping, slapping, hitting, kicking, stepping on feet, pinching, and even choking. Social bullying often involves name calling, hate speech, hurtful teasing, threatening, and saying nasty things about the targeted child. Emotional bullying is more apt to be exclusionary. “You can’t be my friend” or “No one wants to play with you” are systematically aimed at the bully’s target. The results from any of these forms of bullying have both serious short-term and long-term effects.

The childhood victim of bullying suffers on several levels. The kindergartner may be physically hurt by the aggressive, even dangerous actions of a bigger, stronger child. The usual response is increased timidity and isolation that often develops into a dislike or fear of school, resulting in increased absenteeism. Worse yet, the defensive responses of the child such as crying or running away serve to make him or her, an easily recognizable target for future attacks and increased bullying.

Over the long-term, teens and adults who were bullied as young children often struggle with low self-esteem issues. They may even feel that they deserve being mistreated by others. A feeling of powerlessness may cause them to run away physically or emotionally to drugs and alcohol. Depression and chronic migraines or non-migraine headaches are more frequent within this group as well.

Both parents and the schools can take an active role in preventing kindergarten bullying. Parents need to realize that their children may be at fault, and telltale signs such as disrespectful behavior at home, arrogance and sarcasm, bossiness, taking frustrations out on other younger siblings, and talking unkindly about classmates are all warning flags. Any child who behaves in these ways at home is probably doing similar bullying actions in other places including the classroom and playground. Kind but forceful and consistent intervention is absolutely necessary. Investigate, judge the situation, and discipline as necessary each and every time until the behaviors are modified. Obviously, building a healthy relationship with your child and discussing bullying and respectful relationships is crucial as well. The bottom line is that young children model what they see, especially from authority figures such as parents and teachers.

For teachers of kindergartners, studies show that bullying can be reduced as much as 50% by introducing curriculum that deals with the subject, setting clear school rules, and enforcing them. Positive affirmation for appropriate behavior is important because children at this age really care about teacher-approval. Watch closely for possible bullies and avoid showing any favoritism. Stories that illustrate respectful behavior allow for discussion and play-acting as well. Kindergarten bullying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed both at school and at home for proper resolution.

Jennifer Mizuhara is a writer for Findourschool.com.

More resources to help with bullying

The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying: A Complete Guide for Teachers & Parents

Hot Issues, Cool Choices: Facing Bullies, Peer Pressure, Popularity, and Put-downs

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool–How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle (Updated Edition)

Everybody needs a family fun night, where all the family can gather together and spend some quality time together. Try this tonight: have everyone help cook dinner, then grab a family-friendly movie and gather around the television for some relaxation. Movie night is a great time to pair fun with teaching good life lessons to your kids. Try out these movies for a lot of laughs and messages about the importance of environmental awareness, history, and the power of families.

Wall-E

This Pixar movie about a robot who cleans up Earth leads us on a whirlwind journey through space. Kids will love this animated adventure and adults will get the chance to talk to their kids about the importance of taking care of the planet and ourselves. Wall-E
is a great feature film for family fun night because of its message of environmental awareness and because Wall-E is just that adorable. Rated G. 98 minutes long.

Night at the Museum

This story brings a museum to life at night, in an action-filled exploration of the Museum of Natural History in New York. Kids — and probably most parents — will get a lesson about history intertwined with a hilarious romp through a magical world brought to life on the big screen. A story about the power of imagination, Night at the Museum will capture the minds of child and adult alike. Rated PG. 108 minutes long.

And if you’re looking for a double feature, you can always check out the sequel, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, for a look at another of the great American museums, The Smithsonian in Washington D.C.

Up

Another Pixar movie, Up tells the story of a balloon salesman who heads off on an adventure when his house floats away after he attaches thousands of balloons to the roof. Kids will like the over-the-top events and lovable characters, while parents will love the heart and message about finding family where you can. Rated PG. 96 minutes long.

The Wizard of Oz

A classic with something for everyone, The Wizard of Oz is the perfect family feature film. It’s a story about finding home, and the love and safety of being with family. Whether you’re watching for the songs (“Over the Rainbow”) or to see the Cowardly Lion find his courage, gather around the television and share this piece of cinema history with the whole family. Rated G. 101 minutes long.

Grab the family, make some dinner, and settle down for a feature film tonight. If you’re looking to learn a little history, try out Night at the Museum. If the “green” bug has got you, grab Wall-E and cheer him on in cleaning up the Earth. And, since family fun night is all about family, sit down with Up or pick up the classic The Wizard of Oz to reinforce those values of love and respect that come with having a close-knit family.

There are two major issues to be considered with respect to teens lying to their parents: the parent-child relationship and the extent to which the teen sees his parents as authority figures.

First, we’ll examine the relationship.  As discussed in my most recent article on the subject of parenting teenagers and peer pressure, if we expect to have a meaningful impact on our teen’s choices, we have to be in a connected relationship with them. A parent-teen relationship should possess the same qualities as any other relationship: with trust at the foundation. My daughter needs to know that she can trust me to tell her the truth, trust that I want what is best for her, trust that I will be there when she needs me, trust I won’t crush her dreams, and trust that I will make sacrifices to help her get where she wants to go.  However, for there to be a relationship, my daughter needs to feel the same way about me.  I can be the most loving, giving dad on the planet, but if my daughter doesn’t respect me, we don’t have a relationship.

Therefore, the expectation I have of my daughter, or any teen I am in a relationship with (I coach basketball), is that we’re honest with each other. “I won’t lie to you, you won’t lie to me.” We can also say, “If you do something wrong, don’t make matters worse by lying about it. I can deal with the truth– I can’t deal with lies.”

In spite of this wonderful philosophy,  let’s say I catch my daughter in a fairly significant lie.  I’d say,”Sarah, sit down here, we have to have a talk.  You obviously lied to me.  I gave   you permission to go to Joanne’s house, but you had no intentions of being at  Joanne’s house.  You planned all along to go see Jason.  Why did you lie to me,  why did you feel you couldn’t be honest with me about this?”

Or

“Sarah, I have some questions for you.  Do I respect you– you know, do I snoop through your backpack, do I look through your cell phone?  No, of course not.  Don’t I try my best to cooperate with you when you want to do something? Didn’t I just agree to  allow you to go to a concert that was being held on a school night?  And how about driving? You get to drive one of our two family cars to school a lot, right? So, explain why lying to me  is OK with you?”

** If you really want to be calm and non-confrontational, say, “You lied to me about where you were going, what’s up with that?”  Doesn’t that sound harmless? “What’s up with that” is a great way to ask, “What is your problem?” or “What’s wrong with you?”

We then engage in a discussion about the incident. Discipline involves communication and teaching. Depending on how the conversation evolves, our teen may or may not suffer a consequence. If we think the message we delivered was sincerely accepted and understood, and she sees the error of her ways, a consequence may not be necessary. If a consequence is appropriate, I prefer, “What are you going to do to make this right?”

Our teen created a problem and our teen will do the thinking– not us.  If her plan is lame, we say, “That is unacceptable, you have to do better than that.” It has to be a losing proposition to be uncooperative and untrustworthy.

We also have to be an authority figure.  Why should our kids listen to us if we’re permissive wimps? Our words would mean nothing. Our kids conclude that our threats are hollow, and that they can manipulate their way out of experiencing a consequence. Waiting until the teen years to start clamping down is often too late because our kids don’t respect our authority. Our kids have to learn when they are young that,  “When my mother speaks, she means it. If I test her, I will lose. As long as I make good decisions, there is a good chance I’ll get to do what I want to do.”

Can I sit here and tell you this approach worked with my daughter? Yes I can. As a kid she slammed doors, kicked me, hit me, and was an unappreciative, entitled child. By ten years of age, she was a self-disciplined kid, because she learned,  “When I make good decisions, I have a great life.”

This includes lying. I do believe she creates her own reality on occasion (ex. “I’ll have enough times in study hall to finishing the book.”), but she is a moral person who doesn’t lie to me or anyone else. In large part, she doesn’t lie to me because we have a connected relationship and she does respect me.

The Art of Reframing

It’s not just for artists and professional framers.

Reframing is a psychological tool that can simply transform your life. I know, it sounds pretty cliché, however- it’s the truth.

The other day I was parked in our 5-speed Nissan Sentra facing the playing field outside of my children’s school when I had a premonition of a tragedy about to occur. As I scanned the grass for signs of my boys, my car seemed to move forward with a mind of its own- straight into the students’ busy game of dodge ball! Adrenalin raced through my blood as I futilely slammed on the foot brake while simultaneously jerking the emergency brake upwards- all to no avail, as my car veered dangerously closer to the children.

I know that stick-shift cars (if you’ve ever driven one, you can certainly relate) tend to roll, so I pulled the emergency brake up even higher, and then I realized that my car wasn’t going anywhere at all; rather the minivan on my left was backing out of its parking spot, and the optical illusion made me feel that my car had been moving forward.

Thankfully, that terrifying scare was simply an illusion- an incident that appeared all-too-real, yet with the benefit of hindsight and clarity of vision, was obviously nothing to be afraid of.

That got me thinking- how many times does it happen that we are afraid of something that seems imminently real and totally frightening, depressing, or frustrating- which later turns out to have been not much more significant than my optical illusion in the parking lot?

There’s a famous line that coaches and mentors often use; “Will it matter in five or ten years?”

A tremendous amount of wisdom is implied by that question.

How many of the things that we have done 5 or ten years ago would we have eliminated if we had truly thought about the consequences of our actions? Personally, I’m feeling far too embarrassed to answer such a question publicly!

There’s a statistic I once read which stated that your child will confide in you at the age of seventeen 10% of what he’d shared with you at age seven.

With that in mind, wouldn’t it be prudent to look ahead and create more bonding moments with our children?

Five years from now will it matter that the kitchen floor remained a bit sticky for an additional day because we chose to look through old photo albums with our kids one evening?

Ten years from now will we look back with regret that we lost out on a good night’s sleep because we took a family trip?

When we look at the big picture, the little things simply fade away as though they were meaningless optical illusions.

Let’s plan ahead, as we make parenting choices this holiday season, with vision and clarity!

P.S.  Feel free to share any questions or concerns about parenting  below- so we can address them in the coming weeks:)

Many people would say yes, and they are telling the truth: A pop-tart on the way to school, a Lunchable between piano and ball practice, a bowl of popcorn in front of a sitcom. However, if the question were just slightly different:  “Do you eat meals with your family?” Then the resulting answers would be quite a bit different. That’s because so many people may eat with someone, but not many people will eat with their family–at least not on a regular basis. Our lives have become too busy, too hectic; and the availability of fast food, and microwaveable food makes it that much harder to enjoy that good, old fashioned, home-cooked meal with our loved ones. We end up reserving the pleasure for a few, special times of the year.

There is no doubt that eating together is a part of our humanity. For some reason, food has always been the focal point of gatherings. It is amazing how Aunt Gertrude’s famous pumpkin pie can make you happy–even when you only think about it! Food is the weave that keeps the fabric of our lives connected and strong. We can’t imagine a baseball tournament without the pizza party, a Fourth of July without the barbeque, or a friendly card game without the snacks. The feelings and emotions these memories and traditions foster can be the same ones we indulge our children with every day of the week. Every day can be the warm and welcoming family affair that we often only enjoy a few remote times per year.

There have been a multitude of studies on this subject. What researchers are finding out is that families that eat a meal together, at least a few times a week, are healthier emotionally. Emotionally! Many people may not expect that. But it’s true: families that eat together, have children that do better in school, are less depressed, and engage in less destructive behaviors. Also, the children themselves feel more secure–they look forward to the structure of knowing everyone will be together at least once a day. During a family meal together, relationship and open communication is fostered and grown. Healthy values, manners, and memories are created. Kinship is established.

Yet, the attack on family time, and especially family meals, is undeniable. How can we as parents combat this? It takes priority. Priority to make something sacred and unmovable. In our ever-shifting lives and careers, it is worthwhile to make something permanent. And what better than our family time? Dinner together doesn’t have to be long and dramatic–even though the results are. A simple meal from the crock-pot and a quick side salad. Some interesting news from the day. A half hour. This is a recipe for the quality dinner time that our children, and we as parents, need to keep connected. You can even let your children help you plan the meals, to allow them to see that family meals are important as well. Try to establish this priority in your own home life. Even if you start with just once a week–it is worth your time.

So grab a few of your favorite recipes, and plan to sit down this week and enjoy them–as a family! For starters try out Club Burrito for a do-it-yourself lunch or dinner; or make our Cranberry Chicken in your slow cooker for a dinner that is ready for you when you get home. Surprise your kids with Cannoli for Kids, they will love scooping it into the cones themselves, older kids can help with the entire recipe.

Kathy McHenry, founder and CEO of www.MyOnlineMeals.com and owner of www.AfterSchoolSnacks.com, has helped thousands put a real dinner on the table.  Go to www.MyOnlineMeals.com to receive a free weekly recipes and shopping list; and to be added to her monthly newsletter. You can reach Kathy by email at Kathy@myonlinemeals.com.

Who Are You?

We are on the cusp of those “lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer”. For most of us, the school year has ended. We are looking ahead at weeks of summer vacation time. This might be an appropriate time to ponder some very important larger issues we and our children (students) are facing.

Before we even begin to address these issues, however, please allow me to pose four general questions which we might be well advised to ask ourselves and then pose to our children (or students).Here are my four fundamental questions:

(1) Who are you?

(2) What do you do?

(3) How well do you do it?

(4) What do you want (or need) in order to improve so that you contribute to making your life better?

Parents (or teachers) who are able to concisely and coherently answer these four questions are then in a position to help their children (or students) to work towards being able to successfully address these questions.

Almost all of our activities could be seen as efforts made to pursue the best answers to these four questions.

The question I want to bring to your attention in this article is: Of these four vital quests, what proportion of the answers do you (as a parent or teacher) assign as a parental responsibility, and what proportion do you allocate as a school responsibility?

Traditionally, the classroom teachers saw their roles “in loco parentis” – in place of a parent.

Let us examine these four quests one by one. This article will deal with an overview of the first quest.

“Who are you?” is a ubiquitous question that has infinite layers of depth. In many ways, the developmental processes of education help to continually broaden the answer to “who are you?”. This begins with the ability of children to state their names clearly when asked, “who are you?’ and advancing to the skill of writing their names and addresses. Gender identity is also expressed at this stage of school entry. The mix of other children in the classroom alerts children to the reality that the others in the class have different parents and different families.

Schooling generally goes a long way in helping to foster identification with one’s country, region, state and city and the responsibilities and privileges of citizenship. The answer to “who are you?” might now include American, Canadian, New Yorker, Texan or citizen of Hometown, USA.

Frequently the answer to “who are you?” includes an aspect of cultural and ethnic identity which might also merge or cross with a religious affiliation. “I am a Hispanic”, “I am a WASP”, “I am a Native-American”, etc. Awareness of the answer to “who are you?” as it stands in contrast to the differing answers of others can be a valuable contribution of the school to the successful socialization of the child.

At a more advanced and introspective level, “who are you?” can be interpreted as an existential quest for meaning and value in our lives. Hopefully, the high-school level of literature, history and thought development can help the student frame the question. For many people, this quest is just not part of their vocabulary. These people live their lives with a spiritually stunted growth. Life is simply richer and more meaningful when this aspect of “who are you?” is clearly addressed.

We have seen that education and schooling can go a long way in addressing the question “who are you?”.

Perhaps the single, most important factor in successfully navigating the journey to self-identity is the child’s “perspective of self”.

If the self is viewed as an expanding continuity, then children see themselves as whole beings ready to develop and grow through life. They are gifted with the ability to change and yet still keep their concept of self (“who am I?”) intact.

This most crucial component of self-development is rooted in the home. Each teacher, no matter how influential, usually is replaced by a new teacher come September. Thus, the family is the pivotal center of self-development.

The key to successfully answering the question “who are you?” at every stage of life’s journey is rooted in a strong, positive family relationship.

How comfortable are you (parent or teacher) with the question “who are you?” ?.

How much of your answer is tied up in the roles you play i.e. what you’re doing and not about your core being?

Signed, Totally Overwhelmed!

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Dear Overwhelmed,

What you are experiencing is what every Mom in your position feels if she is honest about her feelings. Let’s talk about what can be done to make it a better experience for you and your family.

When you get home you are exhausted and want an hour off. How about taking 15-30 minutes of “down time”? Change into comfortable cloths, have a snack with your kids and just sit with your feel up and allow your body to relax. Your kids could probably use some “down time” before starting the whirlwind of homework, practice, supper etc…

You said that cutting back on your hours at work is not an option. In today’s economy it is often necessary to have two incomes. Perhaps you can put some of that money to work for you. Can you hire help to assist you for an hour or two say twice a week?

Many of your friends and neighbors crave the same “break” and “support” you do. I had a standing Thurs night arrangement with one of my friends whose husband worked late. We alternated supper at each other’s homes every week. The kids enjoyed the change, we got to socialize, and otherwise help one another. Best of all, every other week one of us essentially got a free night when we didn’t have to cook supper or clean up.

Similarly, you can arrange carpools to the various after school activities. This way you only have to drive some of the time. Believe me the other parents will be very grateful.

Get a babysitter once a week and invest in some “Mommy Time”. You are juggling a lot between a full work schedule and a full household. You need to replenish in order to be able to operate optimally. Go to the gym, a movie, or whatever it is that you enjoy. Remember- your kids need you to care for yourself, so that you can better care for them.

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful ideas to incorporate principles and morals into the holiday season:

When President John F. Kennedy, in 1961, said “ask not what this country can do for you, but what you can do for this country,” he was reminding us that self-sacrifice and community service are the cornerstones of a viable democracy; that, in fact, they are values without which a democratic society cannot long endure.

Volunteerism – the general willingness to go beyond the parochial call of self-interest – as a state of action as well as of mind was integral to the spirit of the American Revolution. America’s Founding Fathers understood that freedom was not simply a privilege, but a duty – that in order to remain free, a people must be willing to contribute freely toward the common good. Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and their visionary colleagues understood that volunteerism checks the insidious growth of government, a concern that was uppermost in their minds.

That community-centered spirit has permeated the fabric of American life for more than two hundred years. Today, recognized as the essence of good citizenship, volunteerism manifests itself in the activities of Eagle Scouting, Habitat for Humanity, Junior Leagues, Rotary Clubs, and numerous other civic-minded organizations across the nation. In 1989, President Bush made the call to community service national policy as part of his Points of Light Initiative. The president’s three-part strategy included the call to claim society’s ills as our own; to identify, enlarge, and multiply community-based volunteerism initiatives that are already working; and to discover and develop leaders who can continue invigorating those grassroots efforts.

Indeed, community service means much more than simply tossing a few bucks into a bucket or checking off a payroll deduction to your company’s favorite charity. It’s relatively easy to give money. What’s required is that we be willing to give of ourselves, to make sacrifice in terms of our energy and our time. It’s also necessary that we pass this value from generation to generation by teaching our children the relationship between volunteerism, good citizenship, and the continuing maintenance of democracy.

Volunteerism Begins At Home

Turning a child into a good citizen is the crux of the socialization process, which begins during toddlerhood. Courtesy of parents who understand the importance of setting and enforcing limits on behavior and appetites, a child none-too-quickly comes to accept that he isn’t the center of the universe.

Turning the tyrant of toddlerhood into a functional member of the community requires that the family serve as a microcosm of society. In effect, the family must require of the child what the community will eventually require of him – honesty, responsibility, respect for others, a willingness to share, industriousness, and so on. These social values must also be family values, and they must be as much a part of the child’s daily life as three square meals.

Parents can begin teaching the social value of volunteerism by assigning to a child as young as three a daily routine of household chores. First, the child learns to pick up after himself, take care of his own possessions, and keep his room orderly. As the child becomes more capable, the routine expands into common areas of the home. The child learns to vacuum, mop floors, wash dishes, and eventually, do his or her own laundry and assist in the preparation of meals. In the process, the child learns that being a member of a family involves not just sharing the family’s wealth, but its work as well. Paraphrasing President Kennedy, the child learns to ask “not what the family can do for him, but what he can do for the family.” And by the way, this lesson is less effectively learned – if it is ever learned at all – when parents pay for chores. Giving a child money for accepting a fair share of family responsibilities teaches him to ask not “what can I do to help?” but “what’s in it for me”?

Show and Tell

Parents can impress upon children the importance of community service with a simple civics lesson: Pointing out that without volunteer support, there would be no community sports programs, no scouting, no 4-H or Future Homemakers, no shelters for the homeless, no Sunday School classes, no neighborhood playground, no summer programs at the local “Y”; likewise, pointing out how essential volunteers are to neighborhood organizations, public and private schools, nursing homes, churches, hospitals, the care of the handicapped and chronically-ill. Is there a volunteer fire department in your community? How about a local Red Cross chapter? A children’s museum? Indeed, the list of volunteer-dependent organizations and activities within a community is almost endless. The fact is, volunteers form the backbone of our communities, making them better places for us all to live, to work, to play. Challenge your children to recognize volunteer efforts when they see them and likewise take note when they are lacking. Volunteering, especially at a young age, encourages compassion for others.

And when voluntary effort is lacking in some aspect of your community’s life, what’s to stop you from taking the initiative yourself? Seize the teachable moment and explore ways that you and your children can fill in “volunteerism gaps” that you have identified together.

See that unsightly trash along the neighborhood creek? Rather than grouse that “somebody ought to do something about that mess,” why not be that very somebody? Organize a neighborhood team to clean it up and include the kids. As they learn the importance of taking initiative and following a task through to completion, they’ll also be practicing what I call the “Three Rs of Good Citizenship”:

Respect, Responsibility, and Resourcefulness.

In these and similar ways, parents can teach that one person can make a difference in this world. As Eugene M. Land, founder and chairman of the I Have a Dream Foundation, has written: “Magnitude or complexities must not immobilize or depreciate the ability of any person to contribute meaningfully to solutions.” In other words, when you see a problem, go the extra mile and find the solution. In effect, be the solution.

In The Pudding, Find The Proof

Consider the families who have already made a commitment to community service. Last summer, a Gallup survey of over 1,000 American households found that in more than one-third of all households, and in nearly half of all middle-income households, volunteering is a big part of family life. Among families with adults in their middle years, some 35 percent of parents volunteer alongside their children. The numbers also tell us that once the pattern is established, family volunteering tends to become a tradition. Eighty percent of the volunteers interviewed had been serving with another family member for three years or more.

And while it’s true that volunteering is a way to solve problems while helping other people, that’s only the beginning. In the same Gallup poll, when participants were asked to describe the main benefit they receive from volunteering, more than half cited personal satisfaction.

In the forward to the excellent reference book Volunteerism, The Committee on Marshaling Human Resources says the volunteer not only improves the community, but himself as well. They cite “the contact it provides with other people – the companionship, the friendship, the fellowship of working with others on a common goal.” In short, parents who help their children learn the value of serving others are contributing immeasurably to their children’s lives – present and future.

A couple of friends of mine, themselves active in numerous volunteer initiatives, make community service a “family affair” as often as possible. As one example, every Christmas the whole family takes several underprivileged children shopping for clothes and toys. As they recently told me, “The benefits to the family, and especially the children, are inestimable. They already understand that the value of life is not measured in terms of what you have, but what you give. For example, although we could certainly afford to purchase for them most of the materialistic trophies their friends have acquired, our children ask for very little.”

Several years ago, other friends began requiring that each of their three pre-teen and teenage children become involved in a sustained volunteer effort of choice (scouting, Hospital Auxiliary, Junior Civitan) for every extracurricular activity or organization (team sport, cheerleading, social club) they joined. The children’s mother: “At this point, the kids are more energized by their community service than they are their soccer and such. Perhaps the most rewarding thing to their father and I is the comments other people make concerning their maturity.”

Where To Start

Here are some suggested starting points if you’re interested in getting your children involved in community service:
• Check out the volunteer opportunities available through your local hospital, nursing homes, and community mental health center.

• Look for a Volunteer Action Center whose purpose is to steer volunteers toward opportunities that are mutually beneficial and enjoyable. These local centers refer an estimated half million new volunteers each year who provide more than 100 million hours of service annually.

• Contact your local Red Cross, your state’s Governor’s Office on Volunteering, or one of the 3,000 plus United Way offices across the country.

• Call the Nationwide Hotline on Volunteer Opportunities (toll-free, 800-424-8867 ) for information about the national service network that encompasses VISTA (Volunteers in Service to America), the National Civilian Community Corps, and the AmeriCorps initiative which President Clinton referenced in his most recent State of the Union address.

• Check into Learn and Serve America, a federal program that seeks to involve children in community service as part of their school curriculum.

• Yet another noteworthy program, Super Volunteers!, directs the energies and enthusiasm of children toward improving the quality of life in their own communities while drawing support and sponsorship from business and industry, churches and synagogues. “We work within existing youth groups such as Boy and Girl Scouts, Campfire, Special Olympics, where there’s an already-existing leadership structure,” says president Harriet L. Kipps. To find out more about Super Volunteers! call (703)354-6270 .

Matching the child to the volunteer effort insures not only that the child will stick with it, but the greatest benefit for all concerned. Older youths, for example, could let career interests guide them: Aspiring doctors might serve in a hospital environment; future military leaders can join the Civil Air Patrol; environmentalists could lend their energies to a local nature conservancy. Guiding a younger child toward compatible community service requires that parents help the child answer the following questions:

• What are my interests? What do I really enjoy?
• What’s something I’ve always wanted to do?
• Would I prefer working with large or small groups? Indoors or out?
• What are three problems in my community or elsewhere that need solutions?

With the long stretch of vacation ahead, why not resist the urge to “veg and let veg” and instead dedicate a healthy portion of your family’s summer to some public-spirited volunteer effort? Believe me, once the ball is rolling, it will be impossible to stop!

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

The expression of thanks is a method of genuinely expressing gratitude. In order to effectively teach this trait, it is imperative that parents must first own the attitude of, “My cup runneth over” – I am grateful for the many blessings in my life. It’s easy to get swept away in the myriad of things that keep us busy, and forget to have gratitude for what we have. Have you ever bought a piece of furniture that required assembly? Sometimes a part is missing, or the instructions were written incoherently, and the process of assembly was fraught with frustration. However, in the end, there is a beautiful new desk or armoire. Children can be likened to the raw materials in the unassembled box: they are wonderful; however the oftentimes frustrating process of ‘putting them together’ allows us to forget that they are a blessing!

In life, what we focus on expands, and what we ignore, contracts. When we focus on what we have, we bring a mentality of abundance into our life, and vice versa: a disposition of scarcity is the result when we focus on what we lack. Teenage girls have a unique vision of scarcity upon gazing at a closet filled with clothing and grumbling, “I have nothing to wear!” Teen boys do the same in front of a refrigerator filled with food by complaining, “There’s nothing to eat!” Focusing on a lack creates a real hole in life, and continued attention to that hole causes it to grow bigger- no matter how much we actually have.

A valuable exercise is to ask our children, “Do we need this? Where would we be without this?” For example, what if we would ask our child, “Do we really need electricity?” and follow up with, “If the electricity went out for a long time, what would we do?” These conversations will stimulate ideas about being resourceful. They can be a springboard to discuss the idea that billions of people still live without electricity, as did our ancestors for many years. The limited amounts of certain natural resources can bring about a family discussion on the subject of not wasting electricity- which will have a far more lasting impact than shouts of, “Turn off that light!”

If you are reading these words online, you have a technologically advantageous lifestyle that kings and queens of prior centuries could not have envisioned! Let us take the time to internalize all the good that surrounds us and share this spirit of thankfulness with our loved ones. A blessed Thanksgiving to all.

Do your children look forward to the thrill of a new toy or gadget, only to leave it on a shelf collecting dust with hundreds of other neglected games a few days later?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful tips for curbing the toy-store addiction, just in time to reflect on our shopping mindset prior to the holidays:

Forty years ago, the average American 5-year-old child was in possession of less than 10 store bought toys; today the number exceeds 100 and that doesn’t count the ones that lie buried in the city dump. An excess of toys dampens imagination, creativity and resourcefulness and leads to chronic complaints of boredom. At some point the child becomes addicted – not to the toys themselves, but to the hollow thrill of getting a new toy. In short order the child becomes convinced that play comes from a store rather than from the alchemy of his own imaginings.

When our children were 9 and 6, Willie and I directed each of them to choose 10 toys from the riot of toys that filled their rooms and spilled over into nearly every other room of the house. A relatively small set of something – as in 10 “Matchbox” cars – counted as one toy. The remainder were either tossed or given to a local church-sponsored children’s charity. Somewhat to our surprise, the children regarded this as an adventure of sorts. We never again darkened the door of a toy store, instead guiding the kids toward hobbies and other creative pursuits.

I recently received a similar success story from a reader in Jackson, Mississippi. She writes: “Back in 1991 when my husband and I started our family, we decided then not to over-indulge our children with toys. Grandparents, however, didn’t always comply, and the sheer number of children we had (five) left our closets overflowing. We solved that problem a few years ago by dividing all the toys into four piles labeled winter, spring, summer and fall. We bagged them up, and into the attic they went. We pull the appropriate bag down the first day of each December, March, June and September. The children love it! It’s as if Christmas comes to our house four times a year. When it’s time to repack them, each child donates a toy to charity. As a result, what was once a clutter is now quite manageable.”

Whenever I talk on this subject someone will ask what to do about the above-mentioned “Grandparent Problem.” A reader from Nashville proposes requesting that the grandparents keep all toys purchased for the grandchild at their house. She correctly points out that asking grandparents not to make toy purchases, or only one on the child’s birthday and one at Christmas or Hannukah, is likely to generate hard feelings, interfering as it might with the grandparents’ need to dote. That’s a good idea, but one that’s more likely to work if the grandparents live nearby. If they don’t, then regular care packages are a means of reminding the grandchildren of their love, and that’s certainly unimpeachable. But instead of toys, I suggest books. Or the grandparents could introduce the grandchild in question to a hobby and advance the child’s interests with regular gifts of hobby supplies and equipment.

Some friends of ours, after drastically reducing their children’s toy stocks, sent their very generous relations a letter explaining what they’d done. The children, the relatives were told, had readily agreed that from that day forward for every toy they received as a gift, they would give a toy of equal value away to charity. Books, hobby-related items and creative materials were exempted. Not surprisingly, while their generosity did not wane, the relatives never gave the children another toy.

For every problem, there is a solution.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

Governor Palin is a mother of five children. Trig, the four-month-old baby has been diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. At seventeen years of age, Bristol, her eldest daughter, is expecting a baby this winter.

Despite meticulous planning and enormous efforts, life does not always materialize in the way which we had imagined it would. Undoubtedly, several years ago, Sarah Palin would not have predicted that her family would find itself in its current situation.

I find myself wondering, what would I do if my teenage daughter told me that she was pregnant? How would I react if my teenage son informed me that he was going to become a father? What is the appropriate reaction to the myriad of events that may occur, those that are not in line with our plans for the future?

The bigger question that begs to be asked is: If it can be so challenging for me to deal with life’s various hurtles, it must be even harder for children to deal with disappointments. If parents sometimes get angry or resort to blaming others for the unfairness of life, how can we expect our children to accept all that comes their way with equanimity?

Let us make the assumption that children are not born instinctively understanding and accepting the fact that life is not fair.

“It’s not fair!” is the mantra of all children; and the truth is that life is absolutely unfair- some of us have more blessings than others. What can we parents do to help our children deal with inevitable disappointments that crop up from time to time?

I just got home from a wilderness program for teenage boys. Most of them were sixteen years old and addicted to illegal drugs. Every teenager faces some complications; why is it that some teens are unable to cope with their problems; why do they feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of drug or alcohol addiction?

The answer is that that particular child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not completely at fault; and the culture around him can be blamed.

The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?

Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage one from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.

In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.

Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.

Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.

Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will arise.

It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-woth that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.

The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.

Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.

Drug and alcohol usage and overly disrespectful behavior are a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the child’s behavior when dealing with a teenager in distress.

The child who is addicted to harmful substances, or acting out in inappropriate manners, has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Leading an optimistic, cheerful family is no contradiction to teaching your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.

When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.

The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.

So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.

It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.

When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.

EDIT: As I read some of the comments, I realize that my thought process regarding the linkage of Sarah Palin and dealing with the unfairness of life was not entirely clear.

So, here goes: As I watched the media focus on all of Governor Palin’s personal issues, I wondered where, exactly, one can find a family of seven without any problems??? Then I continued to wonder- does the media think that Sarah Palin made a decisive, conscious choice to have her seventeen-year-old daughter become pregnant? We all know that as much as we’d like to, we cannot control everything that teenagers do these days. Imagine if Governor Palin’s response to Trig’s birth and Bristol’s pregnancy was- ‘Oh, no, my career is over, my life is going to be so difficult from now one, I am a victim of circumstances, this is all so unfair!’ Sarah’s response to the media, (which I can’t locate right now) about giving her daughter love and support throughout the difficulties involved in having a child were my inspiration to write this article. It is refreshing to see someone who can deal with things not going precisely as planned, and still stay strong. I hope that helps:)

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

Freedom is all about having the ability to make choices.

Living in the 21st century, most of us, thankfully, do reside in counties that protect our basic freedoms.

Yet, I wondered, how much freedom is truly mine, and how much have I relinquished in order to fit into a specific “role”?

So often, we find ourselves stuck in a rut of repetitive habits, without understanding that we really do have the ability to break through of our invisible chains.

How many of us were labeled as children, and then grew into the roles that were assigned to us?

Don’t we all know someone who was labeled as non-academic in his youth, who went on to graduate college with honors later in life?

Aren’t we all familiar with someone who invested so much in her musical talents that she never explored the other aspects of her multi-facetted personality?

It’s so easy, and it’s so tempting to cast our children into roles.

“He’s the messy one with a great sense of humor.”

“She’s the sensitive one who is always organized.”

“He has terrific athletic abilities, but less-than-stellar social skills.”

I recall that in comparison to my brother, I had very specific labels in my youth. (Way too embarrassing to go into more detail!)

Sometimes freedoms are not taken away with a ball and chain, but with a simple label.

Casting a child into a specific role can create a long-term self-fulfilling prophesy.

Throughout their childhood and teenage years, children do not yet have a firm grasp on reality. Rather, their reality is defined by what their parents present as being the truth.

How often do we hear about the youth who was called a “liar” and then realized that he ought to continue speaking falsely in order to live up to his newfound “role”.

People, like glimmering diamonds, have a multitude of facets.

At this present day, or even within this specific decade, one particular facet may be shining more brightly than the others; yet that does not diminish the existence and potential of many other angles that make up one’s personality.

Let’s try to hold our tongues and avoid stereotyping our children within a specific role. Hard as it may be, let’s allow our children to explore ideas and activities that we may not have thought to be a perfect match. Obviously, we are not referring to actions that are inappropriate, rather to dealings that we would not have thought suited to that particular child.

The child who is disorganized can be given a chance to be in charge of a party. (With the necessary amount of supervision!)

The athletic son ought not be held back from trying his hand in the arts one season.

And the family “brain” may decide to opt out of this year’s honors program in order to pursue other interests.

When we avoid casting children into particular roles, we develop more well-rounded and emotionally healthy children.

Let’s continue to love, encourage, and continue to bring out the endless sparkle in our children.

Like a diamond sparkling in the sunlight, the layers of their personality will develop into a unique blend of talents, personality, and ingredients nowhere else to be found.

Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.

Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!

For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.

Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.

My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!

Some parents give more, and others less; yet we all wonder at some point, “Am I spoiling my daughter?” or, “Is buying this item for my son truly a good idea?”

Is there a guide or checklist that can inform parents when they are giving to their children in a healthy manner versus overindulging them? How can we know whether we are spoiling our children?

Let’s examine a child’s developmental stages:

When a small soul is born, the baby’s fist is clenched- a symbol of his position in humanity as a ‘taker”. As he grows, we hope that he will learn to open up his palm and become a “giver” with an outstretched hand.

For the first few months of his life, a baby is only capable of seeing the world through his very own point of reference. At approximately eight months of age, the baby learns the concept of “object transience” – the idea that objects exist even if he is unable to see them. At this stage the baby realizes that his parents or primary caretakers are separate from himself; this is the age where stranger-anxiety occurs, and his newfound discovery make the game of “peek-a-boo” so much fun!

In a healthy setting, as the baby becomes a toddler, he learns to interact with others and discovers that his actions can affect other people’s reactions. He will learn age-appropriate social skills and delight in giving back to his parents; with a smile, sharing a blanket, or a Lego project. A child in a state of fulfillment will generally develop normally.

In an unhealthy setting, where a baby’s emotional and/or physical needs are not sufficiently met, a toddler’s interaction with other people will constantly be an attempt to manipulate them to fulfill his needs. This child is typically left with a TV as a babysitter for long periods of time and develops poor social skills when he begins to associate with his peers.

Paradoxically, it is the giving and nurturing of a child which allows his to become a giving and nice person.

We all know narcissistic adults who are only capable of seeing the world through their own selfish viewpoint. These are the people that get insulted easily, manipulate others to do their wishes- often using guilt-trips, and ‘kiss-up’ to those that are on a higher socio-economic level than themselves.

In essence, narcissistic adults are unknowingly trying to get the love, attention, and nurturing that they lacked in their childhood.

Now, what does all this have to do with whether I should buy my teenage daughter a new Jaguar or not?

There are only two types of spoiling:

1) Alternating between not giving a child enough and then giving much too much.

Example: A jet-setting father who spends more time overseas than at home will purchase expensive gifts to compensate for the lack of attention he gives his child.

2) Giving to a child because of your insecurity and need for the child to depend upon you.

Example: An unconfident mother will buy her newlywed daughter a home and furnishings so that she maintains a feeling of usefulness, not because of heartfelt generosity.

There is no direction booklet which states “the appropriate framework of gift-giving to children without crossing the border of spoiling is giving the amount of the square-root of their age multiplied by the median income in a five-mile radius of your home each calendar month.”

Ironically, the way to inoculate your children from being needy, narcissist adults is by giving to them in a consistent and age-appropriate manner.

If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.

Even though you walked to school five miles, and it was uphill both ways, and it took you a year to save enough for a beat-up bicycle- if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.

If you live in a neighborhood or school district where children are given extravagant things, you may want to rethink your place of living as your children get older and begin to understand “keeping up with the Jones”.

By far, the most essential gift you can give your child is love, which children spell T-I-M-E!

Bedtime can be considered a significant ‘trunk’ of your child’s ‘tree’- from where many other ‘branches’ – or issues – emerge.

Well-rested children will perform better scholastically, be in a happier frame of mind, and generally more cooperative than their tired and irritable counterparts. (I know, that’s not news to you!)

By breaking down the bigger picture of “bedtime” into smaller bite-sized pieces, we can help our children have a good night’s rest on a regular basis.

There are three factors that can hinder a smooth bedtime: Inborn tendencies, habits, and environment. Let’s examine each aspect and outline some ideas to move toward calmer evenings for your family.

Inborn tendencies: Some people are truly born to be “night people”. That is not to say that they cannot get to sleep at a reasonable hour, it simply means that additional strategies will be required to do so.

If your child is a “night child” it is recommend that you help him out by adhering to a consistent wake-up schedule. That can be challenging during weekends and vacations, however sleep experts consistently stress the value of waking up the same time each day for children as well as adults.

Realize that you cannot change his nature, and if he gets a “second-wind” during the evening, you will fight a losing battle by attempting to squash his nocturnal energy. You want to recognize his tendencies and manipulate the family’s habits and environment to be more conducive to helping him settle down during bedtime.

Habits: Some children are more prone to reactions of stimulating foods than others. Experts recommend that you limit stimulating foods such as sugar and caffeine at least four hours prior to going to sleep.

Many children are sensitive to stimulating activities, so take note of your child to see if he is able to go to sleep more easily when you avoid energetic activities after dinner-time. Make the conscious effort to incorporate board games, puzzles, arts-and-crafts projects, and reading books into your child’s evening routine, rather than playing ball, jumping on the trampoline, or other pillow-fights.

Environment: Take careful note of your home’s evening environment. If there is a lot of noise, activities, and interesting things happening, your child will understandably be reluctant to go to bed calmly. A small home, or several children with varying bedtimes sharing a room, will compound the issue and deserves additional strategies and ideas.

We used a white-noise machine for Joey when he was younger, and a very sensitive sleeper. The small investment at the Sharper Image provided valuable hours of quiet time, and that machine was worth its weight in gold! A fan or air-conditioner can accomplish the same result.

Children are keenly aware of their parents’ moods, and will virtually always pick up on stress and worry their parents are experiencing- even without it having been verbally expressed. This is a good time to remind yourself that you are doing your family a favor, not just you, by addressing your personal needs, so that you can maintain a relaxed atmosphere.

You can engage your child in a discussion of which environmental factors are hindering his ability to settle down, and brainstorm together for methods of reducing or eliminating some of these factors. Perhaps your child can fall asleep in a different room and be moved later. You may want to acquire a white-noise machine, or change the timing of noisy activities or appliances being run.

We have a laundry chute in Ben’s bedroom, which is terrific for organizing dirty clothing, however the sounds of the washer and dryer waft straight up into his bedroom. Therefore, I do my best to time my laundry activities for times other than bedtime.

An additional benefit of parents identifying the environmental reasons for bedtime issues is that it will switch the problem from being a lack of discipline on the part of the child, to outside, environmental factors. Once the child is no longer being blamed for bedtime battles, the stage is set for a renewed atmosphere of cooperation between parent and child.

Professional sleep counselors also advise a warm bath prior to bedtime, as it will generally induce a state of drowsiness. Calming scents, such as lavender oils or chamomile tea are also known to be soothing and relaxing.

Bedtime, in its calm glory, can be an ideal bonding time for you and your child. It can be a source of comfort for your child to have several minutes of attention at the end of the day, without interruptions, where he can tell you about his day, his plans for tomorrow, and his dreams.

Many children who are resistant to physical touch during the daytime, will respond with affection to bedtime hugs and kisses.

I hope that these suggestions will help you to have smoother and happier bedtimes!

Sweet dreams!

We Are More Than Beautiful

46 Real Teens Speak Out about Beauty, Happiness, Love and Life

by Woody Winfree

The new book, We Are More Than Beautiful for teen girls is the latest addition to the work of the I Am Beautiful Project, an initiative committed to producing creative and educational works that encourage personal growth and discovery for women and girls of all ages.

Author, Woody Winfree says the project’s mission is simple: to create a world in which every woman and girl can proudly proclaim, “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”

What is the I Am Beautiful Project all about? It is about changing the definition of beauty in our culture – one girl at a time, one woman at a time. Quite dramatically, the mass media has chipped away at our sense of beauty and well-being by presenting a singular, narrow and distorted image of female beauty: super-thin bodies, topped by large, perky breasts, with flawless youthful faces surrounded by shiny bouncy hair –and of course, sparkly white, perfectly straight teeth! This suggestion of beauty is not only wrong, it is a LIE. In truth, only three percent of the U.S. female population has the genetic makeup to look like this ideal. That means 97% of us are spending billions of dollars, untold hours of our lives and huge amounts of happiness in an attempt to pursue this distorted ideal.

In sum, the I Am Beautiful Project is about books and films, and workshops and seminars — and anything else I might think to create along the way – that help guide women and girls to change their perspective about the definition of beauty. Beauty is NOT the size of our waists, or the cascade of our hair. Rather, beauty is the sum of our talents, accomplishments, intellect, contribution to our families and communities, and every other measure of living a life that deeply matters.

Where did the idea of this project come from? With the creation of my first book for women, I Am Beautiful – A Celebration of Women, the hope was to give our daughters – mine and yours and every other American girl — a tangible work that they could hold onto. To expose them to images of women that are as real, interesting, diverse and beautiful as real women are. The success of this first book (that is now available in a gift edition), naturally led to creating a book just for girls: We Are More Than Beautiful.

The seed for this work, however, was planted some years before book ideas ever came into my head. When my now 23-year-old daughter was five someone asked me if she could model for a photo-shoot for a leather goods product ad. I thought this would be a fun experience, so off we went. At the time we were living in rural Connecticut. My daughter was a frog-chasing, tree-climbing nature girl almost completely free from the mass media – billboards, magazines, TV, etc. But the second the photographer bent down to take a few test shots, my little nature-girl struck a provocative pose of hip out, lips pouting and a come-hither stance, while her dumb-struck mother looked on! Where could she possibly have learned to do this? Why did she think that this is the natural relationship that a woman has with the camera? I came to believe that her weekly journey through the gauntlet of fashion magazines on the grocery check-out aisle is where she learned this “un-truth.”

Tell me about the new teen book. Who is in it? Where are they from? What stories do they tell – and how is this important to other girls who read the book? The girls in the book are ages 12 to 19, from all walks of American life, facing and exploring all types of issues with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Each girl responded to my query – “Tell me why you are beautiful.” At once, every story is unique to the individual girl’s experience, but universal to the experience of American girls everywhere. Each girl is presented with her picture in an artistically graphic and colorful layout over two pages. This presentation is, not only contemporary and exciting to girls raised in the most visually stimulating culture ever but, affords the reader to enter fully into each girls’ “world” and experience her journey of claiming her beauty.

Bottom line, experiencing other girls’ stories is important because it supports, helps and guides the reader to learn how to ask and answer that question for herself. The book creates a classical “peer” environment for sharing information, even trading secrets in a safe, supportive way. It also teaches girls to learn that they have a “right” to their sense of beauty and how to formulate conversations with their own friends on the subject.

Can the book be used by mothers with their daughters? Absolutely! My hope is that mothers and daughters will read it together and use its stories as a springboard for ongoing conversations. Conversations about:

Proof positive of this is seen in my own two daughters. Because I have been working on projects related to this subject for more than 10 years, my daughters have been raised on a nutritious and bountiful “diet” of ways to define their beauty. Like any belief or idea that one is exposed to, affirmative ideas of who they are have shaped how they see themselves. Further, 1,000 “teaching moments” over dinner conversation or watching TV or looking at magazines, have raised their awareness of how and why the media diminishes women. And, knowledge is power. Oh sure, they have “bad hair” days and times when they are knocked off their stride – just like we all do. But at their core, they have a deeper sense of self and an expansive measure of their worth to draw on. This is the gift I work to share – one girl at a time, one woman at a time.

Why do you believe that naming our beauty is so essential? When we give “voice” to anything, ascribe literal words to a thought or idea, a major shift begins to take place. It might be ever so subtle in the beginning, but in time the act evolves into a concrete declaration of fact. I also believe that we deserve to know and feel our beauty. I believe it is our right, our spiritual right. Can we reach our full potential in this one precious life we have been honored with if we are chasing an artificial ideal of our self-worth? This is the ultimate question that we must ask ourselves – and guide our young daughters looking up to us to do the same.

What else are you up to with the I Am Beautiful Project? I speak frequently to various audiences of women and girls on this subject. From colleges and universities around the country to high schools, at companies and more. These seminars and workshops are designed to dig deeper into the issues we have explored in this interview. These events are listed on my website: www.iambeautiful.com

How do you prevent American values (i.e. that beauty, wealth, and power are the keys to happiness and success) from taking hold in your children’s mind?

What is an effective manner to convey that religious and family values are superior to pop culture?

How have you personally managed to hold onto what is real as opposed to what is currently glittering?

Share your thoughts here:

One commenter will randomly be selected to win the new Animal School book http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/book-special-offer.html – we want to hear from YOU!

… NOT in the mornings!

This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.

Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!

Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!

This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)

Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)

For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.

Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!

1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.

2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)

3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.

4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.

Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY

Would you attempt a cross-country drive without a single gallon of gas in your car’s tank?

At the risk of stating the obvious, nobody in their right mind would try to take a trip in a vehicle that lacks fuel!

Then, why, OH WHY, do so many of us attempt one of the world’s most difficult endeavors without any fuel???

Perhaps rocket scientists or brain surgeons may argue that their job is harder, but I beg to differ: Parenting children in this day and age has got to be the most challenging (and, hopefully, rewarding!) job in the world.

Just like the minivan without gas, or the Everest-climber missing his equipment, or my son’s remote-controlled car without batteries- we parents cannot accomplish much when we are running on empty.

Have you snapped at your child lately or otherwise demonstrated an undisciplined lack of patience?

(Yup, me too…)

The vast majority of the times that we ‘slipped’ we were tired, hungry, angry, or otherwise disturbed.

That’s a reason, not an excuse!

Now, that doesn’t mean that we have free reign to yell at our kids just because we’re stressed out!

What it does mean is that we MUST take responsibility for our irritability and impatience.

How can a harried, exhausted mom expect to serve dinner with the same serenity as a relaxed, content dad?

Now that we have established that parents must be ‘fueled-up’ in order to raise their small souls, what type of ‘gasoline’ ought to be used?

Well, there’s a choice at the pump: 87, 89, or 93!

Fuel 87) Physical exercise.

Paradoxically as it may seem, exercise actually gives you more energy. Endorphins, the ‘feel-good’ hormones are released for sixteen hours after your work out. Think of exercise as the natural alternative to Prozac- it just makes you happier and calmer!

Be a better parent- an extraordinarily, fabulously more effective parent this year- and add 30-NON-NEGOTIABLE minutes of exercise to your day, every day!

If you absolutely don’t have time, make the time! Turn it into an activity that involves your children. Try a dance or aerobics DVD with your child- my boys love to jump and laugh along with me! All youngsters love stability balls, light dumbbells, and steppers!

Here are 2 of my absolute FAVORITE DVD’s: Tight on Time & Quick Fix!

Fuel 89) Friendship.

As a busy parent, you are quite concerned about your child’s social life, birthday parties, and never-ending play-dates.

However, when was the last time you scheduled a grown-up play-date?

Having frequent contact with good friends will improve your physical and emotional health, and breathe a fresh ray of sunshine into your daily life.

MEET A FRIEND this week, and watch out for that extra bounce in your step!

Fuel 93) A Hobby.

Before you skip this section because you think you do not have any hobbies, you can replace the title with “stuff I like”.

There’s a good chance that you spend an enormous amount of time, money, and energy providing things that your child likes, while you forget about what YOU like!

When was the last time you played your favorite sport, created a beloved craft project, or read a good book? Try to recall the activities that gave you a ‘high’ before you were a parent, and then schedule them back into your life; it will transform you into a new-and-improved parent.

~~~~~

So, there you have it- all the ‘gas’ that a mom or dad needs, just to turn the ignition and begin the journey.

Just as nobody experiences guilt when they gas up their car for a trip, there ought not be any feelings of guilt when you take the time to fulfill your own needs!

Once you are properly fueled, you’ll need more provisions for your cross-country trip: food, a map, a GPS system, oil, and windshield wiper fluid- to name a few. Stay tuned for coming RaisingSmallSouls articles for more ‘equipment’ on your parenting journey!

Therefore, I had a lot of time to think.

Without anything available to distract me, worries pushed themselves to the forefront of my mind:  Health concerns, financial challenges, and the ultimate anxiety-provoking question- Am I a good enough parent?

I thumbed through the pop-culture magazines in a nearby rack, however the latest Hollywood gossip couldn’t quite capture my attention.  As the bubbles of medication continued to drip through the catheter, I tried to catch a few zzz’s, but the nurse kept checking my vitals every thirty minutes, thus sleep seemed to be a pretty futile pursuit.

So, I grabbed a pen to jot down a couple of thoughts- polished them up a bit, and here they are!

If you expend quite a bit of energy on excessive worry, read on!  If you don’t, pat yourself on the back, and share your tips below!

From the moment we bring our baby home from the hospital, and place our hand over his angelic face to check on his breathing, parental worry begins.

We worry when they learn to ride a bike, start rollerblading around the neighborhood, and take driving lessons.  We have all experienced the heart-stopping anxiety when we nearly lost our child in a busy shopping center.  Every cough and each fever is yet another reason for deep fear and endless worry.

The holidays are a terrific time for additional worry; too much sugar, not enough sleep, too many parties, and video-game addictions!

Here a few tried-and-true tips to eliminate the majority of your worries:

1)  Recognize that some problems are out of your sphere of influence.

If you can do nothing about a specific problem, then it is no longer a problem, it is a ‘situation’.  When you refer to something as a ‘problem’, you are implying that a solution is possible.

The best example is the weather.

Why lie awake worrying about a party that is scheduled for the same evening as the snow storm?  Assuming that you have made all reasonable arrangements, know that further worry about the climate can only aggravate yourself and your loved ones!

2)  Accept that the human condition is such that problems are a part of life.

We have all met people who will be happy as soon as this circumstance has changed or that situation has ended.

Understand that your job is to solve problems to the best of your ability, and to learn to live with the unsolvable ones!  The ‘Serenity Prayer’ comes to mind:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

3)  Let the bygones be bygones.

Look at life like as an hourglass.  The sand at the top is the future, and the sand at the bottom represents the past.  The tiny point in the middle- where the sand is currently passing- is the present.

We can learn from the past, yet we can never change it.  “I should have, I could have” thoughts promote stress about an impossible feat- changing the actions of the past.  The energy that is utilized by reliving old mistakes can drain us of the energy which is necessary to be applied to the present time.

4)  Don’t create “self-fulfilling prophecies” with needless worrying.  It is possible to bring about certain situations by thinking and obsessing about them.

You may start to read nonexistent meaning into certain situations and have your confidence plummet by imagining the worst scenario over and over again.

Replace the negative “what if” thought with a new hobby, plans for an upcoming party, or anything which requires your intense concentration.  You can’t think about two diverse subjects at the same time, so the solution is to find a replacement thought, rather that to attempt to vanquish the “what if” worry on its own.

A final parting thought:  Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.

What about you? Do you push yourself to the limits during the holidays? You’re not alone. For busy parents, being maxed out on both time and energy is already your normal state. Add on all the things we do during the holidays, and you’ve got a recipe for overload.

This year, I want to share with you some ways to not just survive the holidays, but be invigorated, refreshed, and renewed by them. My Twelve Holiday Tips for Balance and Harmony will help you navigate the holiday season with greater ease, less stress, and more time to enjoy, perhaps more than you have in a long time.

1. First and foremost, take care of yourself.

Did I say first? YES! When we need to cut corners, the first thing to go is our own self-care. But taking care of yourself needs to be at the top of your list. Get enough sleep. Eat well, and on time. Sip water throughout the day. Stay active. Take a moment every so often to breathe.

2. Sort out what matters most — and what doesn’t — in your holiday season.

Chances are there are some things you do every year that you don’t need to or even really want to be doing. Throw those out the window! These can be little things or big things. Your choice! You can only do so much, so save your time and energy for the things that are really important to you.

3. Decide what your “keepers” are for this holiday season.

Look inward and decide what kind of holiday is just right for your family. What are the most important things to YOU this holiday season? There are no right or wrong answers here! Choose the things that are meaningful to you and your family, and focus on those the most.

4. Be imperfect! And love it!

We all know we’re not perfect. But we often spend valuable mental and emotional energy wishing we could do things better. This is especially true around the holidays, when we’re bombarded with images of the model family, the ideal kids, the perfect dinner, the museum-quality home decor. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. Take the pressure off yourself. What if you were to actually celebrate what you formerly saw as your shortcomings? The imperfect parts of your holiday could even become some of your best memories.

5. Give a gift to yourself.

This doesn’t have to cost a thing. How about giving yourself a gift certificate? Something like: this certificate entitles the bearer to a nice warm bath. Or a cup of coffee with a friend. An uninterrupted half-hour to devote to your hobby. A night off from household chores. A walk in a nearby park. A book from the library to read — for fun. Whatever gift(s) you give yourself, no guilt allowed! Enjoy your gift to yourself fully, knowing that you work hard, and you deserve it.

6. Spend special time with your child.

This one of the most precious parts of any holiday. Yet parents have told me that sometimes a holiday goes by so fast, they don’t feel like they have time to really connect with their kids. Or that they never seem to get a chance to share the true meaning of the holiday with their kids. Or that they’re so busy trying to keep their kids busy and behaving, that they’ve got little energy left for much else.

Try this: choose in advance a particular time during the day when you and your child will spend some special time together. By consciously setting aside a piece of the day that you can purely enjoy with your kids, you’ll be making space for meaningful holiday moments and cherished memories that will last a lifetime.

7. Choose one tradition per holiday that brings your family together for a moment of joy, reflection, fun, relaxation, or just plain silliness.

Traditions are important — but a holiday can be so jam-packed with activity that the whole day can whiz by with no time to slow down. Make room in your day for one tradition that lets you simply enjoy each other’s company for a time — in a way that’s uninterrupted and just right for your family.

8. Get help.

Delegate as much as you can this holiday season. Ask yourself two questions:

• WHAT tasks can you delegate?
• WHO can you delegate the tasks to?

Once you get going on this, you’ll amaze yourself with how creative you can get at getting help! You’ll also be pleasantly surprised at how delegating even the smallest errand, task, or responsibility can give you a big boost in your time and energy.

9. Nevermind what other people think.

The holidays are full of moments when we wonder what other people must be thinking, whether we’re out in public or with friends or even family. Parents of children with special needs report that this is one of the hardest things they have to deal with. I want to encourage you to let go of what other people think. As a parent, your choices are yours and you make them for a reason. You and your family are who you are. No explanations necessary.

10. Take little time-outs when you can.

If you can get a morning to yourself, an afternoon on your own, or a night out, go for it! But it’s hard for many parents of children with special needs to get big chunks of free time. So take little mini-breaks when you can, even when you feel like you have enough on your to-do list to keep busy every second of every day.

11. Try something new.

Studies show that when people are in the habit of trying something new every so often, they feel better mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why not try something new this holiday season? Keep it simple. A new flavor of tea? A different outdoor game after the big dinner? I could go on, but I’ll let you come up with your own ways to put a little of the zing of something new into your holiday this year.

12. Be present.

The more special the day, the more it tends to go by in a flash. Slow it down a little, savor it, cherish it. Now and then, take a moment to stop and really look at and listen to whomever and whatever is around you. Take the day off mentally and emotionally. Give yourself the permission and the freedom to truly enjoy the special moments of the day.

Joan Celebi is the Special Needs Parent Coach, helping you conquer the chaos and create a more manageable, balanced life. Get her FREE “Guide to the Ten Essentials of Balance and Harmony,” and her FREE newsletter with tips and strategies for balanced living — all for parents of children with special needs — at www.SpecialNeedsParentCoach.com