Kicking the Toy Addiction

Signs of the annual December gift-buying-frenzy are suddenly sprouting around me like mushrooms after a rainstorm, via catalogs, store displays, emails, and children’s discussions of what they want to receive this winter.

Do your children look forward to the thrill of a new toy or gadget, only to leave it on a shelf collecting dust with hundreds of other neglected games a few days later?

Below, John Rosemond, author of Parenting by the Book offers some useful tips for curbing the toy-store addiction, just in time to reflect on our shopping mindset prior to the holidays:

Forty years ago, the average American 5-year-old child was in possession of less than 10 store bought toys; today the number exceeds 100 and that doesn’t count the ones that lie buried in the city dump. An excess of toys dampens imagination, creativity and resourcefulness and leads to chronic complaints of boredom. At some point the child becomes addicted – not to the toys themselves, but to the hollow thrill of getting a new toy. In short order the child becomes convinced that play comes from a store rather than from the alchemy of his own imaginings.

When our children were 9 and 6, Willie and I directed each of them to choose 10 toys from the riot of toys that filled their rooms and spilled over into nearly every other room of the house. A relatively small set of something – as in 10 “Matchbox” cars – counted as one toy. The remainder were either tossed or given to a local church-sponsored children’s charity. Somewhat to our surprise, the children regarded this as an adventure of sorts. We never again darkened the door of a toy store, instead guiding the kids toward hobbies and other creative pursuits.

I recently received a similar success story from a reader in Jackson, Mississippi. She writes: “Back in 1991 when my husband and I started our family, we decided then not to over-indulge our children with toys. Grandparents, however, didn’t always comply, and the sheer number of children we had (five) left our closets overflowing. We solved that problem a few years ago by dividing all the toys into four piles labeled winter, spring, summer and fall. We bagged them up, and into the attic they went. We pull the appropriate bag down the first day of each December, March, June and September. The children love it! It’s as if Christmas comes to our house four times a year. When it’s time to repack them, each child donates a toy to charity. As a result, what was once a clutter is now quite manageable.”

Whenever I talk on this subject someone will ask what to do about the above-mentioned “Grandparent Problem.” A reader from Nashville proposes requesting that the grandparents keep all toys purchased for the grandchild at their house. She correctly points out that asking grandparents not to make toy purchases, or only one on the child’s birthday and one at Christmas or Hannukah, is likely to generate hard feelings, interfering as it might with the grandparents’ need to dote. That’s a good idea, but one that’s more likely to work if the grandparents live nearby. If they don’t, then regular care packages are a means of reminding the grandchildren of their love, and that’s certainly unimpeachable. But instead of toys, I suggest books. Or the grandparents could introduce the grandchild in question to a hobby and advance the child’s interests with regular gifts of hobby supplies and equipment.

Some friends of ours, after drastically reducing their children’s toy stocks, sent their very generous relations a letter explaining what they’d done. The children, the relatives were told, had readily agreed that from that day forward for every toy they received as a gift, they would give a toy of equal value away to charity. Books, hobby-related items and creative materials were exempted. Not surprisingly, while their generosity did not wane, the relatives never gave the children another toy.

For every problem, there is a solution.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his
website at www.rosemond.com.

Musings on “Life Is Not Fair” & Sarah Palin

Politics aside, as I learn more about Sarah Palin, John McCain’s vice presidential running mate, some deep parenting questions surface within my heart.

Governor Palin is a mother of five children. Trig, the four-month-old baby has been diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. At seventeen years of age, Bristol, her eldest daughter, is expecting a baby this winter.

Despite meticulous planning and enormous efforts, life does not always materialize in the way which we had imagined it would. Undoubtedly, several years ago, Sarah Palin would not have predicted that her family would find itself in its current situation.

I find myself wondering, what would I do if my teenage daughter told me that she was pregnant? How would I react if my teenage son informed me that he was going to become a father? What is the appropriate reaction to the myriad of events that may occur, those that are not in line with our plans for the future?

The bigger question that begs to be asked is: If it can be so challenging for me to deal with life’s various hurtles, it must be even harder for children to deal with disappointments. If parents sometimes get angry or resort to blaming others for the unfairness of life, how can we expect our children to accept all that comes their way with equanimity?

Let us make the assumption that children are not born instinctively understanding and accepting the fact that life is not fair.

“It’s not fair!” is the mantra of all children; and the truth is that life is absolutely unfair- some of us have more blessings than others. What can we parents do to help our children deal with inevitable disappointments that crop up from time to time?

I just got home from a wilderness program for teenage boys. Most of them were sixteen years old and addicted to illegal drugs. Every teenager faces some complications; why is it that some teens are unable to cope with their problems; why do they feel compelled to run away from the predicament and escape to a world of drug or alcohol addiction?

The answer is that that particular child did not know how to deal with disappointment. In all probability, he is not completely at fault; and the culture around him can be blamed.

The need to eliminate disappointment is a reflection of today’s social norms. Recall the commercials featuring a man suffering from severe heartburn after eating a slice of pizza. The next clip shows the same guy polishing off a double-cheeseburger, smiling calmly at the camera as he holds a bottle of white pills that eliminated the symptoms of heartburn. Have you ever wondered what kind of message that sends our children?

Simply stated, the moral of the commercial is this: You do not need to endure pain!
Similar advertisements for pain-relieving pills abound. While I would never discourage one from swallowing some Excedrin to rid yourself of a headache, the reality is that we are living in an unprecedented age of ‘I-should-not-feel-any-pain’.

In fact, some medications are detrimental to reducing a fever, because the higher temperature of the body caused by the fever is actually the vehicle that kills the infection. Popping pills to reduce a fever can sometimes cause the illness to last longer in one’s body.
And so it is with the mind and soul.

Regular pill-popping to reduce heartburn can cause you to ignore the benefits of healthy eating in favor the immediate taste and sensation of pizza and fries.

Swallowing depression-alleviating-tablets can cause you to bypass the source of the sadness, and focus only on eliminating the unpleasant symptoms.

Banishing symptoms can definitely make you feel better. Yet, overlooking the cause of the symptoms virtually guarantees that newer and more dangerous symptoms will arise.

It might be the heart attack due to the blocked arteries stuffed with hamburger remnants, which you were able to eat since your pill eliminated the heartburn. Or, it could be the breakup of a marriage due to nagging feelings of low-self-woth that had been effectively swept under the carpet by depression medication.

The fuse will blow when overloaded by multiple appliances because it is not a good idea for the electricity to overheat and cause a fire. Some people react to a blown fuse by turning off some of their gadgets. Others prefer to ignore the hot fuse, slight aroma of smoke, and singed wires, and keep restarting the fuse until it will no longer operate.

Symptoms are warning bells being sounded. The ringing of the bells are not the problems; the cause of their chiming is the true issue.

Drug and alcohol usage and overly disrespectful behavior are a piercing cry for help. The cause of the cry, not its decibel level, must be addressed. Just as you would not tinker with the fire-house’s bell to battle a raging fire, do not make the mistake of exclusively addressing the child’s behavior when dealing with a teenager in distress.

The child who is addicted to harmful substances, or acting out in inappropriate manners, has not learned to deal with disappointment. Life’s sorrows have overwhelmed her ability to handle distress; therefore she turned to the bottle.

Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. They begin at birth, when an infant leaves the comfort of the womb with a heart-wrenching cry. Leading an optimistic, cheerful family is no contradiction to teaching your child to expect and realize that life is far from perfect. Allow him to mourn the stolen bicycle or broken toy without rushing out to immediately purchase a replacement to assuage his tears.

When a young child is given the time to mourn, and the gentle touch of comfort to help her through the loss of her favorite doll carriage, she learns a valuable life lesson; how to deal with sadness. She will develop the category in her brain that will serve as a reference to mourn, express sadness, accept the disappointment, and then move onward. She will access this essential skill when she is teased about her braces, dumped by her boyfriend, dismissed from the softball team, and rejected by the college of her choice.

The ability to mourn, accept heartache, and resolutely move ahead is what sets apart the teenagers who thrive from the ones who are slaves to addictions. The children who were taught to deal with the unfortunate events that are part of the package we call ‘life’ will definitely encounter bumps as they grow up. However, they have the strength of character and emotional wherewithal to dust themselves off, and get back on their feet. The other children, who were spoiled by always having Mom or Dad wipe their tears away, handed sweets or expensive toys to wash away the memory of a disappointing event, will be headed for trouble in their teen years. When the cookie or new plaything is no longer able to wash away their sadness, they will be on the lookout for something bigger to allay their distress. And it will be all too easy for them to find it.

So, when your three-year-old cries over the broken red crayon, hold him and say, “I know, sweetie, you really liked that crayon, and now it’s broken. Sometimes disappointing things just happen.” Resist the urge to say, “Oh, Sweetie, don’t worry, Mommy is going to buy you a new crayon right away!” Perhaps you will buy him another crayon; whether you do so or not is totally irrelevant. The important, essential point is that he learned that sad things happen, and they need to be accepted.

It’s a fact: In the course of a happy childhood, the ability to deal with sadness when the child is young, will prevent the scathing pain of addiction when the child has grown older.

When we raise our children we are not looking for the quick-fix pill, rather, for the healing touch that endures forever.

EDIT: As I read some of the comments, I realize that my thought process regarding the linkage of Sarah Palin and dealing with the unfairness of life was not entirely clear.

So, here goes: As I watched the media focus on all of Governor Palin’s personal issues, I wondered where, exactly, one can find a family of seven without any problems??? Then I continued to wonder- does the media think that Sarah Palin made a decisive, conscious choice to have her seventeen-year-old daughter become pregnant? We all know that as much as we’d like to, we cannot control everything that teenagers do these days. Imagine if Governor Palin’s response to Trig’s birth and Bristol’s pregnancy was- ‘Oh, no, my career is over, my life is going to be so difficult from now one, I am a victim of circumstances, this is all so unfair!’ Sarah’s response to the media, (which I can’t locate right now) about giving her daughter love and support throughout the difficulties involved in having a child were my inspiration to write this article. It is refreshing to see someone who can deal with things not going precisely as planned, and still stay strong. I hope that helps:)

The Happiness Link

One of the greatest fallacies of our time is the mistaken social rule that “happiness means being comfortable”.

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

Freedom!

Celebrating Independence Day this weekend on July 4th, I gazed at the brilliant display of fireworks and pondered what freedom means to us today.

Freedom is all about having the ability to make choices.

Living in the 21st century, most of us, thankfully, do reside in counties that protect our basic freedoms.

Yet, I wondered, how much freedom is truly mine, and how much have I relinquished in order to fit into a specific “role”?

So often, we find ourselves stuck in a rut of repetitive habits, without understanding that we really do have the ability to break through of our invisible chains.

How many of us were labeled as children, and then grew into the roles that were assigned to us?

Don’t we all know someone who was labeled as non-academic in his youth, who went on to graduate college with honors later in life?

Aren’t we all familiar with someone who invested so much in her musical talents that she never explored the other aspects of her multi-facetted personality?

It’s so easy, and it’s so tempting to cast our children into roles.

“He’s the messy one with a great sense of humor.”

“She’s the sensitive one who is always organized.”

“He has terrific athletic abilities, but less-than-stellar social skills.”

I recall that in comparison to my brother, I had very specific labels in my youth. (Way too embarrassing to go into more detail!)

Sometimes freedoms are not taken away with a ball and chain, but with a simple label.

Casting a child into a specific role can create a long-term self-fulfilling prophesy.

Throughout their childhood and teenage years, children do not yet have a firm grasp on reality. Rather, their reality is defined by what their parents present as being the truth.

How often do we hear about the youth who was called a “liar” and then realized that he ought to continue speaking falsely in order to live up to his newfound “role”.

People, like glimmering diamonds, have a multitude of facets.

At this present day, or even within this specific decade, one particular facet may be shining more brightly than the others; yet that does not diminish the existence and potential of many other angles that make up one’s personality.

Let’s try to hold our tongues and avoid stereotyping our children within a specific role. Hard as it may be, let’s allow our children to explore ideas and activities that we may not have thought to be a perfect match. Obviously, we are not referring to actions that are inappropriate, rather to dealings that we would not have thought suited to that particular child.

The child who is disorganized can be given a chance to be in charge of a party. (With the necessary amount of supervision!)

The athletic son ought not be held back from trying his hand in the arts one season.

And the family “brain” may decide to opt out of this year’s honors program in order to pursue other interests.

When we avoid casting children into particular roles, we develop more well-rounded and emotionally healthy children.

Let’s continue to love, encourage, and continue to bring out the endless sparkle in our children.

Like a diamond sparkling in the sunlight, the layers of their personality will develop into a unique blend of talents, personality, and ingredients nowhere else to be found.

Hunger for Touch

Perhaps the most effective way to determine the value of an idea is to determine the negative effects that occur when that concept is missing.

Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.

Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!

For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.

Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.

My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!

Are You Spoiling Your Kid?

From the very first infant feeding to college tuition, parents are constantly giving to their children.

Some parents give more, and others less; yet we all wonder at some point, “Am I spoiling my daughter?” or, “Is buying this item for my son truly a good idea?”

Is there a guide or checklist that can inform parents when they are giving to their children in a healthy manner versus overindulging them? How can we know whether we are spoiling our children?

Let’s examine a child’s developmental stages:

When a small soul is born, the baby’s fist is clenched- a symbol of his position in humanity as a ‘taker”. As he grows, we hope that he will learn to open up his palm and become a “giver” with an outstretched hand.

For the first few months of his life, a baby is only capable of seeing the world through his very own point of reference. At approximately eight months of age, the baby learns the concept of “object transience” – the idea that objects exist even if he is unable to see them. At this stage the baby realizes that his parents or primary caretakers are separate from himself; this is the age where stranger-anxiety occurs, and his newfound discovery make the game of “peek-a-boo” so much fun!

In a healthy setting, as the baby becomes a toddler, he learns to interact with others and discovers that his actions can affect other people’s reactions. He will learn age-appropriate social skills and delight in giving back to his parents; with a smile, sharing a blanket, or a Lego project. A child in a state of fulfillment will generally develop normally.

In an unhealthy setting, where a baby’s emotional and/or physical needs are not sufficiently met, a toddler’s interaction with other people will constantly be an attempt to manipulate them to fulfill his needs. This child is typically left with a TV as a babysitter for long periods of time and develops poor social skills when he begins to associate with his peers.

Paradoxically, it is the giving and nurturing of a child which allows his to become a giving and nice person.

We all know narcissistic adults who are only capable of seeing the world through their own selfish viewpoint. These are the people that get insulted easily, manipulate others to do their wishes- often using guilt-trips, and ‘kiss-up’ to those that are on a higher socio-economic level than themselves.

In essence, narcissistic adults are unknowingly trying to get the love, attention, and nurturing that they lacked in their childhood.

Now, what does all this have to do with whether I should buy my teenage daughter a new Jaguar or not?

There are only two types of spoiling:

1) Alternating between not giving a child enough and then giving much too much.

Example: A jet-setting father who spends more time overseas than at home will purchase expensive gifts to compensate for the lack of attention he gives his child.

2) Giving to a child because of your insecurity and need for the child to depend upon you.

Example: An unconfident mother will buy her newlywed daughter a home and furnishings so that she maintains a feeling of usefulness, not because of heartfelt generosity.

There is no direction booklet which states “the appropriate framework of gift-giving to children without crossing the border of spoiling is giving the amount of the square-root of their age multiplied by the median income in a five-mile radius of your home each calendar month.”

Ironically, the way to inoculate your children from being needy, narcissist adults is by giving to them in a consistent and age-appropriate manner.

If the majority of their classmates have it, your child should have it- or at least a means of earning it.

Even though you walked to school five miles, and it was uphill both ways, and it took you a year to save enough for a beat-up bicycle- if all the kids in the neighborhood are riding bikes, get one for your kid.

If you live in a neighborhood or school district where children are given extravagant things, you may want to rethink your place of living as your children get older and begin to understand “keeping up with the Jones”.

By far, the most essential gift you can give your child is love, which children spell T-I-M-E!

How To Make Bedtime Go Smoothly!

No other time of the day in our child’s life is as emotionally charged as bedtime!

Bedtime can be considered a significant ‘trunk’ of your child’s ‘tree’- from where many other ‘branches’ – or issues – emerge.

Well-rested children will perform better scholastically, be in a happier frame of mind, and generally more cooperative than their tired and irritable counterparts. (I know, that’s not news to you!)

By breaking down the bigger picture of “bedtime” into smaller bite-sized pieces, we can help our children have a good night’s rest on a regular basis.

There are three factors that can hinder a smooth bedtime: Inborn tendencies, habits, and environment. Let’s examine each aspect and outline some ideas to move toward calmer evenings for your family.

Inborn tendencies: Some people are truly born to be “night people”. That is not to say that they cannot get to sleep at a reasonable hour, it simply means that additional strategies will be required to do so.

If your child is a “night child” it is recommend that you help him out by adhering to a consistent wake-up schedule. That can be challenging during weekends and vacations, however sleep experts consistently stress the value of waking up the same time each day for children as well as adults.

Realize that you cannot change his nature, and if he gets a “second-wind” during the evening, you will fight a losing battle by attempting to squash his nocturnal energy. You want to recognize his tendencies and manipulate the family’s habits and environment to be more conducive to helping him settle down during bedtime.

Habits: Some children are more prone to reactions of stimulating foods than others. Experts recommend that you limit stimulating foods such as sugar and caffeine at least four hours prior to going to sleep.

Many children are sensitive to stimulating activities, so take note of your child to see if he is able to go to sleep more easily when you avoid energetic activities after dinner-time. Make the conscious effort to incorporate board games, puzzles, arts-and-crafts projects, and reading books into your child’s evening routine, rather than playing ball, jumping on the trampoline, or other pillow-fights.

Environment: Take careful note of your home’s evening environment. If there is a lot of noise, activities, and interesting things happening, your child will understandably be reluctant to go to bed calmly. A small home, or several children with varying bedtimes sharing a room, will compound the issue and deserves additional strategies and ideas.

We used a white-noise machine for Joey when he was younger, and a very sensitive sleeper. The small investment at the Sharper Image provided valuable hours of quiet time, and that machine was worth its weight in gold! A fan or air-conditioner can accomplish the same result.

Children are keenly aware of their parents’ moods, and will virtually always pick up on stress and worry their parents are experiencing- even without it having been verbally expressed. This is a good time to remind yourself that you are doing your family a favor, not just you, by addressing your personal needs, so that you can maintain a relaxed atmosphere.

You can engage your child in a discussion of which environmental factors are hindering his ability to settle down, and brainstorm together for methods of reducing or eliminating some of these factors. Perhaps your child can fall asleep in a different room and be moved later. You may want to acquire a white-noise machine, or change the timing of noisy activities or appliances being run.

We have a laundry chute in Ben’s bedroom, which is terrific for organizing dirty clothing, however the sounds of the washer and dryer waft straight up into his bedroom. Therefore, I do my best to time my laundry activities for times other than bedtime.

An additional benefit of parents identifying the environmental reasons for bedtime issues is that it will switch the problem from being a lack of discipline on the part of the child, to outside, environmental factors. Once the child is no longer being blamed for bedtime battles, the stage is set for a renewed atmosphere of cooperation between parent and child.

Professional sleep counselors also advise a warm bath prior to bedtime, as it will generally induce a state of drowsiness. Calming scents, such as lavender oils or chamomile tea are also known to be soothing and relaxing.

Bedtime, in its calm glory, can be an ideal bonding time for you and your child. It can be a source of comfort for your child to have several minutes of attention at the end of the day, without interruptions, where he can tell you about his day, his plans for tomorrow, and his dreams.

Many children who are resistant to physical touch during the daytime, will respond with affection to bedtime hugs and kisses.

I hope that these suggestions will help you to have smoother and happier bedtimes!

Sweet dreams!

We Are More Than Beautiful!

Values Versus Pop Culture

No matter where you live and how sheltered you keep your family, Western values are infiltrating our households.

How do you prevent American values (i.e. that beauty, wealth, and power are the keys to happiness and success) from taking hold in your children’s mind?

What is an effective manner to convey that religious and family values are superior to pop culture?

How have you personally managed to hold onto what is real as opposed to what is currently glittering?

Share your thoughts here:

One commenter will randomly be selected to win the new Animal School book http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/book-special-offer.html – we want to hear from YOU!

Yell at Your Kids in the Afteroon… but Not in the Mornings!

Yell at your kids in the afternoon, but…

… NOT in the mornings!

This week, we are going to incorporate a new habit into our lives. The purpose of this particular habit is to make our children’s living more pleasant and to give them the emotional tools that they need to develop and maintain healthy and happy relationships.

Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!

Before you call Child Protection Services about RaisingSmallsouls’ promotion of yelling at your children in the afternoons, read on!

This year, in 2008, we are making real, lasting changes. Like losing weight, mining for gold, or mastering a musical instrument, all things of value take time. (Granted, that is a difficult concept in this instant-day-and-age!)

Thus, the title ‘Yell at Your Kids in the Afternoon’ is not actually condoning screaming in the afteroons; rather it is a provocative statement meant to draw you towards the concept of creating happier mornings. (Ok, you knew that- however it needed to be stated in order to deter lawsuits!)

For the rest of this month, RaisingSmallSouls parents are going to actively create a joyful morning atmosphere in their homes.

Here a couple of ‘Rise & Shine’ ideas to get you and your children off to a brighter start!

1) Create a hot breakfast meal together: Have your children help you make blueberry pancakes, whole-grain waffles, or a berry-and-milk-smoothie.

2) Tell a story from your childhood: My children’s favorites are the ones about losing my passport in a foreign country and capsizing in a rowboat. (I suppose hearing about Mom being in a vulnerable situation is always a hit!)

3) Using old magazines and photos of your child create a collage together. Themes like sports, favorite things, and places we want to visit are just a few of the many sources of inspiration you can use for this simple yet memorable project.

4) Institute a ‘calm voices’ rule for the mornings. Define when the morning period ends- perhaps when breakfast is over, beds are made, or school starts. Feel free to say, after a tennis ball has shattered your lamp, “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going in to my room alone for a few minutes to calm down so that I don’t shout at you.” What a wonderful message you will be sharing about controlling outbursts!
This week we are ‘doing good’ and ‘straying from bad’ in the mornings: No raised voices, and more joint fun activities.

Share what has worked for you below, and MAKE IT A GREAT DAY

Driving Without Fuel

Here’s a question for you:

Would you attempt a cross-country drive without a single gallon of gas in your car’s tank?

At the risk of stating the obvious, nobody in their right mind would try to take a trip in a vehicle that lacks fuel!

Then, why, OH WHY, do so many of us attempt one of the world’s most difficult endeavors without any fuel???

Perhaps rocket scientists or brain surgeons may argue that their job is harder, but I beg to differ: Parenting children in this day and age has got to be the most challenging (and, hopefully, rewarding!) job in the world.

Just like the minivan without gas, or the Everest-climber missing his equipment, or my son’s remote-controlled car without batteries- we parents cannot accomplish much when we are running on empty.

Have you snapped at your child lately or otherwise demonstrated an undisciplined lack of patience?

(Yup, me too…)

The vast majority of the times that we ‘slipped’ we were tired, hungry, angry, or otherwise disturbed.

That’s a reason, not an excuse!

Now, that doesn’t mean that we have free reign to yell at our kids just because we’re stressed out!

What it does mean is that we MUST take responsibility for our irritability and impatience.

How can a harried, exhausted mom expect to serve dinner with the same serenity as a relaxed, content dad?

Now that we have established that parents must be ‘fueled-up’ in order to raise their small souls, what type of ‘gasoline’ ought to be used?

Well, there’s a choice at the pump: 87, 89, or 93!

Fuel 87) Physical exercise.

Paradoxically as it may seem, exercise actually gives you more energy. Endorphins, the ‘feel-good’ hormones are released for sixteen hours after your work out. Think of exercise as the natural alternative to Prozac- it just makes you happier and calmer!

Be a better parent- an extraordinarily, fabulously more effective parent this year- and add 30-NON-NEGOTIABLE minutes of exercise to your day, every day!

If you absolutely don’t have time, make the time! Turn it into an activity that involves your children. Try a dance or aerobics DVD with your child- my boys love to jump and laugh along with me! All youngsters love stability balls, light dumbbells, and steppers!

Here are 2 of my absolute FAVORITE DVD’s: Tight on Time & Quick Fix!

Fuel 89) Friendship.

As a busy parent, you are quite concerned about your child’s social life, birthday parties, and never-ending play-dates.

However, when was the last time you scheduled a grown-up play-date?

Having frequent contact with good friends will improve your physical and emotional health, and breathe a fresh ray of sunshine into your daily life.

MEET A FRIEND this week, and watch out for that extra bounce in your step!

Fuel 93) A Hobby.

Before you skip this section because you think you do not have any hobbies, you can replace the title with “stuff I like”.

There’s a good chance that you spend an enormous amount of time, money, and energy providing things that your child likes, while you forget about what YOU like!

When was the last time you played your favorite sport, created a beloved craft project, or read a good book? Try to recall the activities that gave you a ‘high’ before you were a parent, and then schedule them back into your life; it will transform you into a new-and-improved parent.

~~~~~

So, there you have it- all the ‘gas’ that a mom or dad needs, just to turn the ignition and begin the journey.

Just as nobody experiences guilt when they gas up their car for a trip, there ought not be any feelings of guilt when you take the time to fulfill your own needs!

Once you are properly fueled, you’ll need more provisions for your cross-country trip: food, a map, a GPS system, oil, and windshield wiper fluid- to name a few. Stay tuned for coming RaisingSmallSouls articles for more ‘equipment’ on your parenting journey!

Don’t Worry!

It was one of those dull, gray Monday mornings earlier this week when I was sitting in my doctor’s office being administered a medication via IV for several hours.  Unfortunately, I had neglected to find a good book to accompany me on this boring morning in a cold, geriatric environment.

Therefore, I had a lot of time to think.

Without anything available to distract me, worries pushed themselves to the forefront of my mind:  Health concerns, financial challenges, and the ultimate anxiety-provoking question- Am I a good enough parent?

I thumbed through the pop-culture magazines in a nearby rack, however the latest Hollywood gossip couldn’t quite capture my attention.  As the bubbles of medication continued to drip through the catheter, I tried to catch a few zzz’s, but the nurse kept checking my vitals every thirty minutes, thus sleep seemed to be a pretty futile pursuit.

So, I grabbed a pen to jot down a couple of thoughts- polished them up a bit, and here they are!

If you expend quite a bit of energy on excessive worry, read on!  If you don’t, pat yourself on the back, and share your tips below!

From the moment we bring our baby home from the hospital, and place our hand over his angelic face to check on his breathing, parental worry begins.

We worry when they learn to ride a bike, start rollerblading around the neighborhood, and take driving lessons.  We have all experienced the heart-stopping anxiety when we nearly lost our child in a busy shopping center.  Every cough and each fever is yet another reason for deep fear and endless worry.

The holidays are a terrific time for additional worry; too much sugar, not enough sleep, too many parties, and video-game addictions!

Here a few tried-and-true tips to eliminate the majority of your worries:

1)  Recognize that some problems are out of your sphere of influence.

If you can do nothing about a specific problem, then it is no longer a problem, it is a ‘situation’.  When you refer to something as a ‘problem’, you are implying that a solution is possible.

The best example is the weather.

Why lie awake worrying about a party that is scheduled for the same evening as the snow storm?  Assuming that you have made all reasonable arrangements, know that further worry about the climate can only aggravate yourself and your loved ones!

2)  Accept that the human condition is such that problems are a part of life.

We have all met people who will be happy as soon as this circumstance has changed or that situation has ended.

Understand that your job is to solve problems to the best of your ability, and to learn to live with the unsolvable ones!  The ‘Serenity Prayer’ comes to mind:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

3)  Let the bygones be bygones.

Look at life like as an hourglass.  The sand at the top is the future, and the sand at the bottom represents the past.  The tiny point in the middle- where the sand is currently passing- is the present.

We can learn from the past, yet we can never change it.  “I should have, I could have” thoughts promote stress about an impossible feat- changing the actions of the past.  The energy that is utilized by reliving old mistakes can drain us of the energy which is necessary to be applied to the present time.

4)  Don’t create “self-fulfilling prophecies” with needless worrying.  It is possible to bring about certain situations by thinking and obsessing about them.

You may start to read nonexistent meaning into certain situations and have your confidence plummet by imagining the worst scenario over and over again.

Replace the negative “what if” thought with a new hobby, plans for an upcoming party, or anything which requires your intense concentration.  You can’t think about two diverse subjects at the same time, so the solution is to find a replacement thought, rather that to attempt to vanquish the “what if” worry on its own.

A final parting thought:  Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.

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