Alan Carson, ACPI® Coach for Parents

Several weeks ago NBC and its sister networks devoted hours of programming to exploring the wide-ranging failure of public education in the United States. As a person who spent 36 years in education, 21 years as a teacher and 16 years as a middle school guidance counselor, I completely agree that there is much to be concerned about.  Specifically looking at the 8th grade Mathematics TIMMS (Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study) results, the U.S. is significantly behind most Asian countries (Singapore, Chinese Taipei, Hong Kong, S. Korea and Japan), but also behind Hungary— and only a few points ahead of Slovenia and the Czech Republic.  This is surprising and should alarm all of us.

When we examine these statistics a little closer, we find that our Honors students do as well as any kids in the world. Simplistically, we have lots of kids who value education and are willing to work hard, but way too many kids who are unwilling to make the sacrifices to be good students. If you put student grades on a Bell Curve, there is no Bell Curve— there is a roller-coaster. Tons of phenomenal kids, way too many kids who don’t seem to care, and others in the middle.

Nobody can give students an education; they must earn an education. Of course all adults involved in education must love children and do their best for kids, but the bottom line is that you can’t make students earn an education. In my opinion, as a country, our thinking is codependent. We’re trying to control and accept ownership for the behavior and decisions students are making.  When kids underachieve, fail, and/or drop out, too many people conclude it is the fault of parents and educators.  We have to own our part, but we can’t own more than the kids own. When kids want to learn, they can achieve great things. You may have seen in the news that a girl who spent most of her teen years homeless gained admission into Harvard. My friend’s son struggled with ADHD growing up and is now a college Physics professor with a Ph.D.

It is time to get to the purpose of this article— presenting a parenting philosophy that influences our kids to be good students. When our children are in early elementary school, we have a great deal of control and can establish a routine for getting schoolwork done. The comments that follow are most applicable to parents with kids who are entering middle school and high school.  As you know, when our kids start developing a “mind of their own,” our level of control diminishes.

1) School is our kid’s primary responsibility— it is their education and their future. Ultimately they have to decide when to do homework, where to do homework, how to study for tests, and how long to study. They have to learn how to be successful, which often is preceded by learning what doesn’t work.

2) Micromanaging our kids only solve problems in the short run, and creates huge problems in the long run. We’ll raise kids who lack the skills to succeed on their own. Therefore, a great time to begin letting go and turning more control over to your kids is when they are in upper elementary school.   Sit down with them and have them create a plan for getting their work done. Hold them accountable to do what they agree to do. However, if they struggle with this additional responsibility and their grades dip, it is OK.  I am not advocating completely letting go— but it should be a gradual process.

3) We cannot accept ownership for their education.  How can we tell we’re doing that? We care more than they care. We worry more than they worry. When there are problems, we do more of the thinking and problem solving. Our kids have to care more than we do. I strongly believe that if we worry about their education, they will not worry.

4) What do we do if they flounder? We sit down with them and ask lots of questions. We don’t tell them what to do, we ask them what they need to do. If their grades go down or the teacher e-mails you that work is not getting completed, we have a chat and ask:

• How did you get into this predicament?

• What do you need to do differently?

• What do you need from me?

• Would you like to hear what I have been observing?

When our kids struggle, we do not overreact and return to micromanaging. We listen to their plan and give them the chance to fix things. When we see improvement, we recognize their effort and self-discipline by telling them so. If their performance doesn’t change after our discussion, we intervene and create structure. School is their job and we hold them accountable to take care of business.

5) If our kids are doing poorly in school, we eliminate distractions. There is a difference between what kids want and what kids need.  They need wholesome activities, and I do not believe in taking those away from kids. They learn a lot about success and failure from sports and other structured activities. However, they don’t need Facebook, computer games, TV, and sleepovers.  If they want those things, they will earn them. They earn them by displaying responsibility. They have to reach the conclusion that being irresponsible doesn’t pay.

6) I will finish part one of this topic briefly addressing motivation. Our goal should be that our kids are internally motivated to be successful in school. When they do well, we want them to be proud of their effort and the results, and experience a sense of satisfaction regarding their accomplishment. We also want them to enjoy learning math, science, and history.  If we just focus on grades, we are making a big mistake. We fail to acknowledge our child’s effort, determination and self-discipline— because it is all about grades. And as just mentioned, we also probably don’t discuss what our kids what they talked about in history that day; we stick with outcome questions such as, “Did you get your quiz back today?”  Focusing on grades undermines internal motivation and harms communication.

I will conclude discussing a parent’s role in their children’s education in my next article.

From teeth that are brushed and flossed properly to hands being washed thoroughly and hair being combed, executing a proper hygiene ritual is one of the important habits we can teach our children. Personal cleanliness and good oral hygiene are essential aspects of a well-groomed appearance and they influence people’s first impressions of us, from the first smile. Teaching children proper oral hygiene is a necessary and unavoidable task that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Here’s how to teach your child a healthy oral hygiene routine:

Allow Them to Get Involved

When most children reach the age where they are ready to begin learning about hygiene, they have already acquired a strong sense of responsibility and have adapted a desire to do things on their own. Utilize this sense of responsibility to benefit the process of instilling a positive oral hygiene routine.

Allow your child to get involved in purchasing the products they need to maintain good oral hygiene. For instance, when it is time to choose a toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss and mouthwash, allow them to make those decisions.

Today, many dental hygiene companies have launched child-friendly products such as light-up toothbrushes, and toothbrushes and toothpastes which feature their favorite children’s TV characters. Toothpaste, dental floss and mouthwash have also all been tailored to appeal to children with a range of child-friendly flavors and colors. Help your child choose products that are exciting to use and that they feel comfortable with.

Set an Example

Children are great imitators of the world around them and they learn by example. Do not just tell your child that brushing twice a day and flossing is important. Show them it is important by doing it and doing it in front of them when necessary.

This is also where the entire family can get involved. Does your child have an older sibling that he or she looks up to? Maybe an older cousin or an uncle or an aunt? Have them set an example as well by allowing your child to see them maintaining a proper oral hygiene routine. This will inspire your child to do the same.

Make Oral Hygiene Fun

Although it is important and must become a routine, your child’s oral hygiene does not have to be boring. Make it exciting by incorporating games and a small reward system. Allowing your child to choose a toothbrush in his or favorite color and accompanying toothpaste with interesting flavors is one way to do this. Incorporate the use of an hour glass or kitchen timer into your child’s oral hygiene routine as a way to entertain them and to ensure that they are brushing and flossing for the appropriate amount of time.

Use a chart to track your child’s oral hygiene. At the end of a set amount of time, reward your child with a small prize for their efforts. Coming up with different ways to make teeth brushing fun and recording your child’s efforts will be especially helpful when dealing with children who have a resistance to sensory processing or who just do not want to brush. Experiment for a bit and come up with a method that works and remains fun for you child as this is a key to establishing a good routine.

Outline Clear Consequences

Once your child has gotten comfortable with teeth brushing and flossing, it is time to tell them the importance of maintaining a proper oral hygiene routine. Provide them information about why we brush including the benefits of good hygiene. Taking care not to scare your child, explain to them consequences of bad oral hygiene. Inform them that refraining from good oral hygiene is bad manners and it can make their mouths ill. This is the perfect time to begin talks with your child about the importance of going to the dentists regularly for check-ups and cleanings.

Children will often do what we ask them when they have a clear understanding of why it is important. By informing them of why having a good oral hygiene is important and being willing to answer their questions on the subject, we are encouraging them to maintain these habits.

Follow a Routine

From the beginning, when teaching your child about oral hygiene, execute a routine. Decide which steps you are going to do first and follow them. Try to brush at the same times every day as well. This will help your children realize the routine so they know what to expect and when, which could eliminate tantrums and unwillingness. Remember to ensure that you are teaching your child the correct way to brush and remember to stay at it; consistency pays off!

This article was written for Raising Small Souls by Anyonita from the cosmetic dentistry guide website, where you can learn more about oral hygiene and find remedies to a range of dental ailments.

It’s been hot everywhere these past few weeks. And while summer is fun for the kids, it’s hard for parents to come up with enough activities to keep the kids occupied.

If you’re looking for some summer activities for those really hot days, when you really want to be inside , here are some art projects for kids.

We’ll help you turn household objects into paint supplies, help you create pillowcase paintings, and get you started with scrapbooks.

The great supply hunt

no mater where you live, you’re likely to have an abundance of household objects sitting around, and those objects make great improvised supplies for art projects for your kids. Be creative! Have some cotton swabs hidden away in the bathroom? They make fantastic paint brushes, as do cotton balls, toothpicks, and even a spare toothbrush.

If you’re looking for texture, look no further than your kitchen. It’s a wonderland of household objects that make great painting accessories. We’ll start at the sink. See that sponge? It’s perfect for adding texture to any art project. And how about the lid from a sour cream container. That will make a stencil for drawing circles. Cookie cutters also make good stencils: just make sure to wash them clean before the next baking session.

Here’s a few more ideas: an old spray bottle works great for spraying on water-based paints; loofahs and old doilies add texture, as do corks out of your wine bottle. If you wander outside, leaves and twigs can work as stamps and brushes, too. Use your imagination and you’ll turn your house into an endless supply closet.

The perfect canvas

Now that your kids have all their art supplies, they need a canvas to work on their masterpiece. Since we’re already collecting our supplies from around the house, why don’t we sneak into the bedroom to find the perfect canvas: an old pillowcase. The beauty of this as a canvas is after they’re done with the painting, the kids have their very own, custom-made pillowcase.

For this project, tempera paints work well, because they’re fast-drying and water-soluble, so cleanup is a breeze. It’s summertime, so take those pillowcases outside and lay them out on the grass. If you have a fence or clothesline, you can hang it up like a mural. Now get out those paints, brushes, stencils, and other fun things we made and get the kids painting. Don’t worry about mistakes because you can spray down the pillowcase with a hose and start over!

Record the moments

Make the whole thing a game for the kids – finding supplies around the house, and then taking it outside and painting. For even more fun, record the whole thing with photographs. The next time you’re looking to keep the kids entertained, pull out the pictures, some scissors, glue, and construction paper, and start a scrapbook party. Have the kids make three pages: one for finding the supplies, one for painting their pillowcase, and one of the finished project. Then take a three-hole punch and some yarn, and you can bind their pages into their very own scrapbook.

Summer art projects for kids don’t have to include an expensive shopping spree. With a little thought, you can turn your household objects into a supply closet, turn your linens into canvases, and make your own homemade scrapbooks.

Do you have any other ideas? What projects have you done with your kids this summer?

Here are some art project ideas for you.

Children’s Magazines contain articles and features targeting their
interests- not to mention the thrill of kids getting their own mail
throughout the year!

MagMall offers 87% discounts on the widest selection of magazines
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child’s definitions of fun and cool.

And pick up a few magazines for yourself while you are at it!  Try
some in a new category to expand your knowledge and horizons this
year- we are never too old to keep learning:)

http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/ClickNRead.html

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Happy holidays AND Happy Reading!

Ellen

P.S.  Dedicate a fun spot in your home to reading, next to a
bookshelf.  Check out this comfortable beanbag chair for kids:
http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/BeanBag.html

P.S.S.  What are YOUR thoughts?  Share below:)

My greatest issue is trying to manage everyone’s everything and still finding time and energy to clean the house, do the laundry and all of those other things that no one else seems to notice are in disarray. I have tried charts, chores, positive reinforcements, negative consequences and usually find that the amount of time and energy it takes to keep track of who is where and making sure they are doing what they are suppose to, it is just easier to do things myself. So I need advice on how I can keep them on track and responsible when I am on my last nerve and patience is gone!

Sincerely,

Anonymous in N.Y.

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Mom,

You are a very busy mom! It’s no wonder you are lacking in patience! I do not know what your current financial situation is but I am wondering if you could hire a house cleaner for once a month or bi-monthly to help keep the house “clean” so that all you need to take care of is the clutter. If a house cleaner is not in the budget I offer some other strategies to help alleviate some of your burden: (which you can also implement even if you do get a cleaner)

• Start by having a family meeting and communicate how you are feeling (overwhelmed, worn out, lacking in patience). Tell them you need help and that things have to change around the house. Ask for input in designing and creating some new rules for how everyone is going to pitch in to help out and keep this family functioning.

• Try restricting certain rooms from children’s play – perhaps the dining room or living room will become off limits for toys, school books, sneakers etc. Have designated spots for such things and be diligent in getting the kids to respect this new rule.”No games in the living room! Johnny come and take this down stairs please where the games belong.”

• Don’t “own” every child’s “everything”- start fostering some responsibility and independence which means having to follow through on natural consequences such as: having your children make their own lunches for school. If they don’t make one or forget their lunch, don’t go running out after them and bring it to the school. Once or twice of not eating a lunch should be enough of a reminder to make their own lunch every morning- and no, they will not starve by missing a lunch or two. Have laundry baskets in their rooms, if it doesn’t get into the laundry, it doesn’t get done! Of course there will be situations where you will need to be flexible, like if your child has a big soccer tournament on Saturday and forgot to put her uniform in the wash – but she could owe you back that time later with taking something you have to do (dust, change the cat litter etc.).

• Start prioritizing the things that are most important to you and let go of lesser things. If you can’t live with beds being left unmade then that would be something you insist on being done. If you can live with shoes and boots and coats just dropped at the back door – then ignore it and concentrate on something on your priority list. You have to let go of your need to control everything – I would hazard to guess that this need comes from raising two children with special needs. It’s a typical response; but you will be no good to any of your children if you ware yourself out and become ill yourself!

• You need to sit down and have a conversation with your spouse and ask him to take something off your plate “I am feeling overwhelmed and need you to help alleviate some of my stress. It would be very helpful if you could do the grocery shopping (vacuuming, laundry, whatever) from now on.

• If your spouse is not in a position to help you (works out of town), see if you can elicit support from family members, or neighbors where they could take the kids out for a few hours each week where you can get some stuff done.

• Do something for yourself at least once a week (daily if you can) that promotes relaxation – a bubble bath for a half hour, read a good book to escape at night, go for a walk, take a yoga or fitness class, go the movies with a friend etc.

A while back I wrote an article on Raising Small Souls on Kids and Chores; I pulled out a couple of excerpts here:

I would recommend picking a “cleaning day” where you start the morning with a family meeting and put all the chores needed to be done that day into a hat. Everyone randomly picks what they will be responsible for. It will be a family team effort this way. Regular chores throughout the week could be assigned and a chart could be designed listing chores and ticked off as they are completed so as to keep track of what they have left to do. If chores are not done within a specific time period, clearly stipulated on the chart, consequences should be imposed.

Now I know you said you tried using charts but ask yourself how consistent you were in following through with consequences if their chores were not complete. Children need to rely on parent’s to “keep their word” if they are going to learn that not doing something has negative consequences. Otherwise, there is no reason for children to do what they are asked because they know mom will only do it for them in the long run and it makes no difference to the their life!

The “when/then rule” comes in handy in these situations. “When you have picked up the toys in your room, then you may go out side to play.” “When you have taken your plate over to the sink, then you may watch a half hour of TV.” Saying it this way sounds very different and less threatening than saying “if you don’t pick up your room you won’t be watching TV tonight.” Threats only invite conflict. Just practice saying these “when, then” rules over and over until they become a mantra for how you speak to your children about doing chores. They will come to appreciate and respect that they don’t move on to anything else until they have finished what they were asked to do. And be consistent in following through with consequences if they don’t.

You said your son with spina bifida has full use of his arms – I can see no reason then why he cannot help sort or fold laundry, peel vegetables, or dry dishes. Does he have or is he eligible for an in home assistant that can begin teaching him life skills so he can become more independent, despite his challenges?
Your 9 and 10 year old should be able to help with a wide variety of chores around the house and should be required to do so.

Unfortunately your children have come to know that you will manage everything for them. You have to step back and re-evaluate how much you can continue to do and how much they can do for themselves and work to design some new family rules from there.

Question: My son who is 8 tends to be a follower and goes with what everyone else wants. He does whatever others like and do. I want to help teach him or give him the confidence to be a leader and not care if he likes or does things differently. I am afraid he will follow the bad behavior of the wrong kids. What can I do to help with confidence and leadership? I have already tried talking to him about it without success.

Do you have a parenting question? Submit it here: http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/contact/

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Your son sounds like he may fall into the category of people pleaser. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as they are usually the most compassionate and generous sorts. However, I do appreciate your fear of him not being able to stand up for himself if he is always listening and doing what other people tell him to.

Here are some suggestions to try that may be beneficial for you and your son.

• Nurture his strengths and talents and set him up with opportunities where he will succeed. If he shows special aptitude in a particular area then support those interests. He is more apt to find leadership opportunities in situations where his strengths are essential and welcomed.

• Whenever appropriate and possible give him choices for making decisions. As he gets older the choices you give him will carry more and more responsibility. As he gains skill at making decisions he will more accurately weigh the pros and cons of each choice. So when he is with the “wrong kids” he will have experience with discerning right choices from wrong ones.

• Encourage him to be more assertive. Invite his friends over and give him opportunities to set the agenda for play. Have him ask the other kids over to play a certain game of your son’s choice. As he gets practicing doing this on his own turf he may be less reluctant to be assertive out the schoolyard.

• Get him to assess his own worth at every opportunity by asking thought provoking questions about how he feels about a situation. You will have to find the right way to ask though, open ended questions will only give you yes or no answers. For example: “How does it make you feel to always play whatever everyone else wants to play?” Instead of: “Did you want to play what everyone else was playing?” If he gives you answers that suggests he feels bad about himself ask him to give you reasons for why that’s not true – if he can’t give you any examples then you give them to him based on fact.

A Recent Conversation:

Son: “I don’t think my friends like the games I play because they think they’re weird.”

Mom: “Well somebody invented that game and it sells in stores so what do you think about that?”

Son: “I think that people like different things.”

Mom: “Yeah, could you imagine if we liked all the same things and everyone was the same?”

Son: “Life would be very boring.”

Mom: “Yes. And when you play those games do you have fun or are you bored?”

Son: “Fun, and I do have some people who will play them with me and have fun too.”

This was an actual conversation – I can’t guarantee it will go this way for everyone but the point is to try and get children to assess their own worth and decide for themselves that it is ok to like different things.

I would also suggest that you take an accurate assessment of who your child is. Not everyone is a leader but that does not mean that they can’t contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your son may be content with “going with the flow” and as long as he has good morals and supportive parents, he will be alright. You may discover that he will not follow the “wrong kids”, but that he may follow the “right” ones.

Signed: Sue

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Sue:

I think we are all guilty of this to some degree. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sometimes it’s just easier to do things ourselves in order to avoid the potential backlash we get when a we ask our children to do something of a domestic nature. It also saves us time as we most likely work at a faster pace than our children do. And often, don’t we just follow behind our children anyway and re-do whatever it was we asked them to do because it wasn’t done to our satisfaction? So we might as well just do it ourselves anyway, right? Still, my mother will re-load her dishwasher after me because she has found a knack for fitting all of her dishes in a certain way – I have not quite yet mastered her way of doing it and probably never will. When I’m over for dinner it’s become a bit of a joke between us. I load, she reaches in behind me and rearranges everything. We laugh now, but I didn’t always appreciate it when I was younger!

Before giving you suggestions on chores, you will have to think about establishing some new routines/rules regarding getting your girls to do chores. So the first thing I would suggest is for you to reassess your expectations. If you ask your eight-year-old to make her bed and you can still see the sheets hanging out the sides, you have to decide whether it’s worth having her go back and do it again, or will that be good enough for you?

The catch phrase “pick your battles” comes to mind. The age of your children will have something to do with lowering or raising your expectations. We must be realistic about what a three-year-old is capable of doing and doing well, as opposed to an eight-year-old. As children get older, they should be able to take on more responsibility around the house and with more efficiency as well.

I would recommend picking a “cleaning day” where you start the morning with a family meeting and put all the chores needed to be done that day into a hat. Everyone randomly picks what they will be responsible for. You can assign partners as well so the three year old is accompanied by someone older and will learn how to do things as she is being shown. It will be a family team effort this way. Regular chores throughout the week could be assigned and a chart could be designed listing chores and ticked off as they are completed so as to keep track of what they have left to do. (You can use a picture chart for the sake of the three-year-old.) If chores are not done within a specific time period, clearly stipulated on the chart, consequences should be imposed.

The “when/then rule” comes in handy in these situations. “When you have picked up the toys in your room, then you may go out side to play.” “When you have taken your plate over to the sink, then you may watch a half hour of TV.” Saying it this way sounds very different and less threatening than saying “if you don’t pick up your room you won’t be watching TV tonight.” Threats only invite conflict. Just practice saying these “when, then” rules over and over until they become a mantra for how you speak to your children about doing chores. They will come to appreciate and respect that they don’t move on to anything else until they have finished what they were asked to do. And be consistent in following through with consequences if they don’t.

You are in a prime position with your three year old. Children at this age love to be Mommy’s and Daddy’s little helper. Let her help- within the limits of safety of course – three year-olds want to cook but it’s not advisable for them to be around hot burners; but she could fold the napkins for the table and get some of the ingredients out of the fridge or cupboard for you. Sometimes when young children ask to help, we often say no because of the potential risk. The message we give is that they aren’t helpful, so why should they bother the next time they’re asked. Just find something she can do that is associated with the task, only safer. Even though she might make more of a mess than actually help out, she will feel appreciated for her effort and she will get better as she is allowed to practice. Your eight year old has probably already grown accustom to not having to help out around the house. You will have to have a conversation with her about establishing some new rules and a new routine and clearly outline the consequences that will be imposed if she refuses to cooperate with chores.

In terms of the types of chores themselves: a three-year-old can help sort laundry, clean up toys, take plastic cups and napkins to the supper table, dust, and sweep floors. An eight-year-old can set the table, unload a dishwasher, wipe off counters, fold laundry, make beds, feed pets, vacuum, Remember though, their age will depict how much and how well those chores will be done. But as they get older, it will only get easier to enlist their help because it is something they have gotten use to doing. Appreciate their efforts and take time to tell them just how helpful their contribution to the running of the house is to you. You might find them starting to give compliments and sentiments of thanks for all you do too.

For many children, behavior problems are not universal; they’re targeted. Targeted at dad, at mom, at the stepmother, at the fiancé, at a sibling. The following two case studies reveal how normally charming and compliant children can become defiant or even abusive with one person in the family. James Lehman examines why this happens and what parents can do about it.

Case study #1: When Lisa remarried, she was confident that her three kids would grow to love David as much as she did. Her oldest daughter, Danielle (16), had never really warmed up to David, but she thought she’d come around. Danielle had always been a sweet and pretty resilient kid. Lisa was wrong. Within a few weeks after the wedding, Danielle’s behavior toward David became openly hostile. If he so much as tried to assert himself in a parenting role, Danielle would blow up. After one epic argument involving curfew, she stopped speaking to David altogether—and hasn’t uttered a word to him in the last two years. Danielle will speak to everyone in the family, except David, who remains the object of her unending wrath.

Case study #2: People who know Brian, Susan and their four children always tell them they look like “the perfect family” and compliment them on how polite their children are. But inside their home, they are far from perfect. Their 15-year-old son Jacob is a tyrant, particularly toward his mother and his youngest brother. He uses intimidating language with Susan and is physically abusive with six-year-old Tyler. “Jacob is all smiles when we’re in public,” says Susan. “But when we come home, he turns into this whole different kid.”

Kids recognize and deal with people in different ways almost from birth. As infants, they respond differently to their mother, a caregiver or a family friend. This continues into childhood and adolescence. They recognize the differences in adults, and those differences often fall into two categories. Which adults have power and which adults don’t have power? Which adults can you manipulate with bad behavior and which adults can you not manipulate? As kids grow up, they recognize which adults cannot follow through on consequences, which ones accept their excuses for inappropriate behavior and which ones buy them things to win their allegiance. They learn which adult is always making excuses for them and which one sets limits.

When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a stepparent or a sibling. On the surface, you won’t see the kid getting anything out of this targeted behavior. It’s not like he gets out of a consequence by calling his mother abusive names. He does it because he feels like a zero, and when he can bully his mother, he feels powerful. He feels weak and shaky about himself and lacks self-confidence. When he puts her down, he gets self-confidence. It’s a simple, basic behavioral dynamic.

To understand what kids get out of this, imagine you have a boss that you don’t like. Let’s say that boss is a constant pain in the neck for you. How often do you dream about telling him off? You imagine what it would be like to tell him off and think about how great you’ll feel. It probably will feel great for fifteen seconds, until you figure out how you’re going to find another job. It’s the same thing for these kids. They are telling off their boss, and they get the same sense of gratification out of it. To make it even better, they get to tell their boss off every day. In Danielle’s case, she has been telling off the boss for two years.

When children target a parent with their inappropriate behavior, they have most likely seen that there is a division in how the parents deal with the child—that the parents are not in alliance. They get two different messages from the parents, and they get power by picking on the weaker of the two parents, confronting the parent who challenges their power base or lashing out at the parent they deem is “unfair.” Children who target parents or siblings by acting out often don’t have high self-esteem. They are afraid to feel certain things or be confronted with certain situations. So they try to control people by making one of the parents or a sibling a victim.

When a child targets one person when he acts out, it’s an indication that he has learned he can feel powerful at the expense of that person, whether it’s a parent, a step parent or a sibling.

It’s a natural reaction for parents to become divided when this targeted behavior is going on in the family. Parents become angry at the child and at each other. It’s somehow easier for parents to argue with each other over the child’s behavior than it is to demand that the child change. But this is exactly what parents need to avoid. Parents have to join together and decide what they’re going to do—together—when the child is abusive. Whether both parents witness it or not, both parents have to say, “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Say this directly, clearly and firmly to the child who is acting out. Don’t look to blame the other kids in the family. Don’t blame each other. Put the responsibility for the behavior back on the child who is acting out.

Whether you are parenting the child as parents, step parents or foster parents, the most important word to remember is “We.” In Danielle’s case, when she rejects her stepfather, she is rejecting is the authority figure that he represents. Lisa shouldn’t try to shoulder the burden of this conflict alone, and David should neither withdraw from the parenting role to avoid conflict nor incite it by getting into shouting matches with Danielle. Lisa and David need to stand together and be very clear with Danielle, saying, “We are both your parents. And if you act in a disrespectful way with either one of us, you will be held equally accountable.”

The case of Jacob reminds me of my days working in youth detention centers. One day I remember asking a kid, “Do you curse at the staff in here?” And he said no. I asked him, “Why not? You curse at your mother.” Kids know who has the authority and who doesn’t. The kid in the detention center knew the staff members had authority and wouldn’t put up with being cursed at. His mom didn’t have authority over him, so he cursed her. What Brian and Susan need to realize is that Jacob understands if he disrespects people outside the home, the consequences will be clear, swift and uncomfortable. So when he disrespects his mother or his little brother, the consequences should also be clear, swift and uncomfortable. They need to observe what is different and what works about his behavioral responses outside the home and apply those things to their home.

The child who bullies specific people in the home has to learn the skills it takes to feel powerful and competent in more age appropriate ways. Parents should address two things:

1. They need to help the child develop specific social skills in the areas of conflict resolution, negotiation and compromise.
2. Parents have to work together to set clear and powerful limits to manage the behavior, always remembering to be united and use the word “we.”

The end result is that the child learns more skills to manage his feelings and not to abuse one person or take things out on them. He learns to manage those feelings of low self-esteem, powerlessness, confusion and helplessness himself. When parents teach these skills and kids learn them, both sides end up happier. Even though the child doesn’t get his way as often and even though the parent has to work at it a bit, they both feel happier because they know things are working in the family. In The Total Transformation Program, I provide parents with a step-by-step way to teach these life skills to your children.

I read this book in a couple of hours. Once I started,is was like a great mystery, I couldn’t wait til the next chapter. Ms. Silberberg has written a touching, funny and realistic guide that anybody can use and understand. Not only does she give you lists of items you can purchase but she also gives you detailed information about where to find these items. And if that isn’t enough, she has even given us recipes.

I wish I had this book when we first changed our diet! Barrie does an amazing job of explaining a sometimes complicated subject in understandable terminology. (For example, she walks the reader through the basics of label reading which for most people can be overwhelming in the beginning). I can’t recommend this book enough!

This is a wonderful book if you are starting the diet and don’t know where to begin. That is my family – we have struggled for years with my son’s autism and ADHD and finally committed to the diet. I purchased this book and never looked back. Barrie has listed many great resources and helps “non-cooks” like me navigate this new world. I have several other Autism and Diet books – and this is the one that is dog eared and used the most. Well worth the time and $$$. Barrie – please keep this book updated with frequent editions!

When Hunter was a baby, Pat never imagined parenting him would mean becoming trapped in an argument that would last 15 years. From the time he was old enough to express himself, it seemed that he was looking for a fight with her.

“He’s a very strong-willed person,” says Pat, her polite demeanor belying an obvious understatement. “He’s manipulative, and he learned at a very young age how to make that work for him to get what he wanted.”

“The simplest things always seem to turn into huge problems because Hunter simply refuses to do what he is asked to do, whether it was brushing his teeth at age five, or raking the yard at age 15. The word ‘no’ lights his fuse, especially when in response to something he wants to do. He’s always doing these irritating things,” Pat explains, “as if he enjoys bothering you.”

Getting out of bed in the morning is the issue around which Hunter and his parents argue the most. “We’ve had the worst time in the world getting him up in the morning and into the shower. I know this is unbelievable, but he gets in the shower, stretches out in the bottom of the tub with the water beating on him, and goes back to sleep. From that moment on, we have to micromanage his morning to get him to the bus stop.”

Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Pat finally has a name for the behavior that’s been exhausting her all these years. Now, she needs a solution. How does a parent stop the arguments with a child whose primary way of communicating is arguing?

James Lehman:
A day with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.

Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re easily annoyed and frustrated by other people, resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. They blame everyone else for their difficulties and make excuses for their inability to cope. They gravitate toward negative peers and tend to be sulking, angry adolescents.

Unrestricted free time is a breeding ground for aggressive behavior for these children. In an unstructured environment, they become annoying, threatening or destructive to kids around them and to adult authority figures. They will use this time to deliberately antagonize anyone they see as “in charge.”

As a parent, you can’t satisfy a child with ODD, since their thinking is irrational. They clamor for your attention and then tell you to leave them alone. The sad truth is, kids with ODD aren’t very likeable. Parents often feel guilty about the fact that they love their kids, but don’t like being around them.

Parents get blamed for their child’s oppositional behavior and tend to heap even more blame on themselves. The parent of a child with ODD often feels incompetent and isolated. They live with the self-imposed shame that other people think they’re bad parents, and that humiliation grows larger as their world gets smaller. Left untreated, Oppositional Defiant Disorder can lead to Conduct Disorder, a more serious pathology that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.

Of course, for many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they are dealing with continuous, low-level defiance that is not incendiary and aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying and disruptive to the family. Whether the defiance has turned into a diagnosis of ODD or has not, the parent’s approach should be the same.

How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at Home

Most parents lack the tools to deal with oppositional defiance. So they generally respond to this behavior with a range of responses that includes negotiating, bargaining, giving in, threatening and screaming. The problem is when you scream, argue or negotiate, you are giving your child’s defiance even more power.

Everyone from the school psychologist to your mother-in-law will tell you what this child needs is “structure.” But no one really shows you what kind of structure and how to put it in place. It’s not as simple as giving the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking. He’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style and method of operation with the child.

* Children with ODD need structure with an aggressive training component that is built around learning how solve the problems that trigger their defiant behaviors. Your child becomes oppositional when he is confronted with a problem and he can’t figure out how to fix it. The problem can be anything from not wanting to get up in the morning (as in Hunter’s case) to not wanting to do homework. Screaming at the child to get out of bed won’t work. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. Example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”

* The focus of treatment should be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem or personality. ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. There’s no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way to kids to cope with their problems. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need a lot of strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. They don’t benefit from a pat on the back for doing something that’s easy for them to do. They should be praised for doing things that are challenging to them. Don’t create false situations for which to praise them to make them “feel better.” Parents need to learn several different parenting styles that meet the needs of this child. You need to be less of a “cheerleader” and more of a trainer and coach.

* Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick your battles with your child carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win fights with this child by not arguing back. When you argue, his resistance gets stronger. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect compliance.

* Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re going to the mall, know what you’ll do when he acts out in the car. It’s important to lay out the rules ahead of time, when things are calm. For instance, before you go to the mall, tell the child, “When you lose it in the car, it becomes dangerous for me and for everyone because it’s distracting. So if you lose it in the car, I’m going to pull over for five minutes, and I’m not going to talk to you. You’ll have five minutes to get your act together. If, after five minutes, you have not regained control of yourself, then we’re not going to the mall. We’re going to turn around and go home.

* Have a plan you’ll use if he throws a tantrum in the store or if he acts out at a family gathering. And be willing to follow through on the plan until the child learns defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.

Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful mix of determination and strength. You can have a child with ODD and a peaceful home. The key is to decide: Are you going to change the world for your child or teach him to cope with it? It’s not practical or effective to try to change the world for your kid. But by setting limits consistently, concisely and clearly, you will teach your child to cope with the world and succeed in it.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Check out these books to learn more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Getting into the back-to-school routine can be hard for everyone in the house. In the morning, parents are faced with groggy kids who won’t get out of bed and get ready for school no matter how much you nag, bribe and scold. Homework time can be even worse, with nightly fights and accusations echoing off the walls of your home. So how can you get your child to be more motivated? The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated—they’re just motivated to resist you. Keep reading to find out how you can turn this negative motivation into a positive one.

Q: When a child becomes unmotivated and won’t get out of bed, do homework or participate in activities, what is he trying to tell the parent through this behavior?

James:
When we’re talking about kids not getting out of bed, not doing their homework or school assignments or not wanting to get involved in family activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours, and to retain power.

When people feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch and withhold overall involvement because it gives them a sense of being in control. To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have power over what’s going on around him.

“You have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior.”

The child who uses resistance to control lacks both social skills and problem solving skills. It’s important to define the difference between the two. Social skills are how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, how to feel comfortable inside your own skin and how to deal with people’s kindness. Problem solving skills are the skills that help kids figure out what people want from them, how to give it, how to deal with other people’s behavior, expectations and demands. Problem solving skills are needed to help a child handle being criticized in class. Many times the real reason kids don’t want to do their homework is because they’re simply lazy about the work or they don’t want to be criticized in class and held accountable for their work.

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do. So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

Q: As parents, we tend to respond to this unmotivated behavior by coaxing, arguing and screaming at the child. Or you just give up and do the child’s tasks for him because you don’t see another way. It doesn’t work, but it’s all you can do, it seems.

James:
Very often these kids are motivated by a power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents in this case is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s inherent in the power struggle. But if parents don’t have those other ways, then they just get locked into the power struggle.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed, then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes or he won’t do his homework. If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve the problem of authority, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve that problem appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids the problem solving skills they need is to understand how they think and realize that these kids are not helpless victims. They’re simply trying to solve problems, but the way they’re solving them is ineffective, inefficient and distorted. You have to deal with this distorted attempt for control in a systemic way. To give a simplistic solution like taking away his phone or taking away his TV does not deal with the problem. It won’t work. You have to look at the whole comprehensive picture.

Q: So how can parents deal with this behavior more effectively, without screaming, arguing or “overdoing” for the child?

James:
I think parents should avoid giving the behavior power. When you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving the resisting behavior power. I understand that parents get frustrated and yell. The point I want to make here is that it won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling or arguing with this child over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Leave the choices really clear for the child. Use “I” words. “I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.” “I want you to do your homework now.” Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If the kid says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore it. Telling you he doesn’t care gives him a sense of being in control and a sense of power.

I would give consequences, and I don’t care if the kid doesn’t like it. If you don’t get out of bed, you shouldn’t be doing anything else. You shouldn’t get to play video games. You shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If you’re too sick to go to school, you shouldn’t be going out of the house. Those limits should be set and followed through.

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let him experience the natural consequences of his behavior. It takes a lot of courage to step back and say, “Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.” But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say, “Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want do your homework in that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games and you can’t watch TV. If you choose in that time period not to do your homework, that’ll be your choice. And if you fail, that’ll be your choice.”

Along with the plan to let him experience the natural consequences of his decision, build in rewards for success, if he does make the right decision. If my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C; we just didn’t reward it. So my son strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later. Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class and doing homework.

So when you’re interacting with a kid who appears unmotivated, remember that screaming, bargaining and doing things for him will not work. When you’re looking at this child, you have to remember, he is motivated. He’s just motivated to do something different than what you want him to do. He’s motivated to resist you. So the more power you put into it, the stronger his resistance gets. We don’t argue with kids because when we argue with them, we give them power. Focus on making that behavior powerless and give the consequences that you can give so that there’s accountability.

I created The Total Transformation Program to help parents manage and change this behavior. It offers parents a comprehensive solution for changing resistance and teaching the child responsibility accountability.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

If you were asked to deliver a lecture about marine biology in thirty minutes, would you be able to give a terrific speech?

Probably not. And neither would I.

How about if the subject was antique marble collecting? Or ancient Chinese weaving techniques?

The point is:

We cannot teach that which we do not know.

It seems so obvious, yet we may often overlook this concept while raising our children.

Do any of the following sound familiar?

“Do your schoolwork before you play!” or, “Clean up your room!” or, “You forgot your homework again?!? You’re lucky your head is attached or you’d forget that!”

Let’s look a bit more closely at this specific characteristic of responsibility, and see if we can instill it in our children more effectively.

Just as we cannot teach your child about a foreign subject that we know nothing about, similarly, it is impossible to teach our children to be responsible without modeling that very trait.

Ask yourself about your habits: Do you accomplish the necessary domestic duties prior to relaxing, or do you find yourself on the couch at a time when you ought to be heating up dinner? Do you regularly pay your bills in a timely manner, or do you procrastinate and get whacked with late fees? Do you wake in the morning with time to spare, in order to facilitate a calm morning, or do you hit ‘snooze’ until the last possible moment and then rush around like crazy?

Many habits can be changed with just 5-7 days of consecutive willpower; and after that initial week the new routine won’t even seem hard anymore!

As a result of our ability to overcome a specific lack of efficiency, we will be in a stronger position to help our children grow in their level of responsibility.

Can you find an area where personal change will undoubtedly aid your child’s development? Post your thoughts below!

Let’s keep remembering: We can only teach that which we know!

Check out the Power of Positive Parenting by Dr. Glenn I Latham

After my husband worked in the camp for the latter half of July, the staff flew both of us out West for the last weekend of the program.

The all-boys program consisted of twenty defiant young men and an additional twenty staff members.

Anger management, improving social skills, connection with family, and enhancing feeling of self-worth are some of the crucial topics that are covered during formal sessions as well as informal activities.

The twenty-foot truck that contained all the provisions necessary to support forty people in the wilderness was a lesson onto itself.

Personally, when we travel to New York to visit family members, it takes me hours to pack the luggage necessary for my family of five- and even more time to load the minivan in a semi-organized manner!

Thus, the sight of HUNDREDS of massive Rubbermaid bins, all neatly labeled, being loaded and unloaded onto the truck in assembly-line fashion by rowdy teens was, indeed, a sight to behold.

Each bin was clearly marked: Sleeping bags, Flashlights, Propane, Garbage bags, Tents, Air mattresses, Perishables (fresh ice was purchased for these bins each day!), Tools, Drug tests, Snacks, Tissues, Plates, Cutlery, Sunscreen…. Are just some of labels I can recall offhand!

Young men had helped their mothers set the table for dinner, as I watched them lug the heavy food-related bins around the campfire, and how often they made their beds at home as they pitched tents, pumped mattresses, and unrolled sleeping bags in the forest.

What are some of the ideas used in the wilderness that we parents can implement in our daily lives in order to foster greater responsibility in our children?

Here are several thoughts that I gleaned at a campsite outside of San Francisco that can help you wherever you are:

Idea #1: Get involved!

Particularly at the beginning of a new project, or if this is the child’s first time participating in this task, do not ‘delegate and leave’.

It can be tempting to say, “clear the table” or “put away the laundry” and turn towards another task – (I’m very guilty of this one, since I feel that I’m ‘using my time wisely’… however in the long run, it’s truly ‘un-wise’!) Yet, in all likelihood, your child is not yet equipped to remember all the instructions you gave, know where all the items belong, and have the ability to focus for the duration of the task without getting distracted.

Be involved with the project you have assigned to your child. Help him by putting a few pieces of silverware into the dishwasher or placing the socks into the appropriate drawer.

You are being a mentor, actively demonstrating how the task should be accomplished. Additionally, your presence and participation will guide your child to follow through on the task until it is completed. (Have you ever had your son clear only the plates off the table and then disappear from the kitchen? Try to recall what YOU were doing at that time- when you are involved the ‘disappearing act’ seems to disappear!)

Idea #2: Offer an incentive!

“If we unload the truck in 60 minutes we’ll all get Slurpees!” the director of the program announced upon our arrival at a new campsite.

Yesterday, I did the same thing. A recent family trip to New York had left our minivan resembling a battlefield in a war zone. (A battle of chips, water-bottles, CD’s, and Mapquest printouts!) After handing each of my three children a grocery bag, I announced, “Whoever fills their bag garbage from the van within ten minutes will get a piece of birthday cake!”

In short order the Pontiac was sparkling, and the children were enjoying the remnants of the birthday cake from earlier in the week.

There was no cajoling, nagging, or whining. There was a simple announcement, with the anticipation of a desired reward, and the responsible participation in the chore was the virtually effortless result.

Idea #3: Reframe your perspective regarding housekeeping: Your goal is to raise responsible children; having a spotless home is not the main objective.

This can be a tough idea to integrate into our mindset!

Our primary job as adults is to teach our children to be productive, responsible, people.

Your child simply has no interest in hearing his mother yell, “I’m not the maid around here!!!” There is nothing for him to learn from that statement, and quite frankly, he really could not care less whether you or hired help are doing the housekeeping.

Yes, it’s nice when the house is neat as a pin.

Yet, it’s even nicer when your child can contribute to the household in a way that utilizes her talents and strengths.

Some children are good at fine-motor-tasks like polishing silver or folding laundry, others are better at organizing and consolidating, while still others may shine at gross-motor-tasks, such as vacuuming or raking leaves.

If your child enjoys decorating or a sense of control in the household, engage her in your housekeeping decisions, such as; “Honey, where do you think we should keep the garbage?” or, “Where would be a good place to hang up these hooks for your coats?”

Idea #4: Relax!

Nobody ever died of wrinkled laundry or dirty dishes!

As your children grow and leave the nest, you’ll have more time to clean and less people to make a mess… and you may even come to miss their dirty fingerprints on the glass door!

Here’s a lovely poem, author unknown, that is worth it’s weight in gold hanging on every refrigerator!

Excuse This House!

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.

Ours boasts of it quite openly, the signs are everywhere!

For smears are on the windows and little smudges are on the door.

I should apologize, I guess, for the toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children and we played and laughed and read;

and if the doorbell doesn’t shine, their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I’m forced to choose the one job or the other . . .

I want to be a housewife – but first I’ll be a mother!

~~~~~

Do share your tips for teaching responsibility below!

Graduation caps are flying through the air as celebratory sounds of “Congratulations!” fill the air.

Your beloved child has just graduated from college, a shining moment in your parenting journey.

“Wow, the past 2 decades have been so easy!” you marvel to your friend. “Piece of cake, raising my sweetheart; childrearing is just so incredibly simple!”

{Extended pause for laughter here}

The truth is that nobody ever said that raising children is an easy feat. Far from it- childrearing is one of life’s most monumental tasks- and the baby is delivered without an instruction manual!

Yet some of the inevitable pressures and disappointments that accompany the raising of our small souls can be diminished by adjusting the outlook we have towards our child’s future.

Take a look through the following statements. Is it fair to guess that you agree with the majority of them?

* I would like my child to get good grades in school.

* I’d like to see my child graduate from a prestigious university.

* I would like my child to become financially successful.

* I want my child to marry well and have a happy life.

* I’d like my child to make a difference in the world.

* I want my child to have integrity, compassion, and patience.

We have a whole bunch of wishes up our sleeves, don’t we, parents?!

Let’s take a step back from the admirable list of dreams and study the realism (or lack of thereof) in all of our desires.

No doubt, many of our children will be fortunate enough to achieve all those wonderful dreams, yet, the list begs this question: Was the list compiled based on a parent’s goals- or was there a connection to this particular child’s abilities?

Disappointments and strained relationships can be traced back to one thing- in 99% of all cases: Unrealized expectations.

The reason that most of us can have a wonderful day after realizing that we have just lost the state lottery, whereas many of us would have a disappointing day after our child has gotten into some trouble is because of the expectation factor. We never expected to win the lottery in the first place, so our losing numbers are not a source of frustration. Yet, we did expect our child to behave appropriately at all times, and the youngster’s lack of decorum did not meet our expectation- and resulting disappointment is the mathematical outcome of an unrealized expectation.

As any expert or self-help book will profess, a person’s achievements are based upon his will, drive, and perseverance. Yet, the connection between the will of an individual and his accomplishments must be based on the reality of his abilities- not the reality of his parent’s ardent dreams.

Recently, I heard about a man who had reading trouble as a child, and unfortunately, cannot read properly to this day. “My parents offered me prizes and money so that I would improve my reading skills, however it was like offering me an incentive to grow a foot taller. There was no lack of motivation on my part, there was simply a genuine lack of ability.” (Thankfully, today, there are so many more resources to deal with reading challenges.)

Some parents feel that setting realistic challenges can thwart their child’s growth, because they feel that low expectations and the ensuing low performance can have a negative reflection on them.

Therein lays our greatest challenge- to objectively set realistic goals that are tailored toward our child’s abilities and inclinations- not to our egos. Expectations that are overly high can set a child up for failure, while expectations that are too low can cause a child to stagnate her growth.

After a relatively small expectation has been met, it is generally appropriate to raise the bar and establish a slightly higher challenge. This is also an ideal time to praise and reward the child for her prior accomplishment, thereby motivating the youngster to continue in the desire to achieve more.

The old cliché, “When there’s a will there’s a way” holds truth and promise- as long as we get to know our child and set up realistic expectations.

Wishing all of us much pride and joy resulting from our children’s accomplishments!

~Ellen

7 Good Reasons to Get Your Child Involved in Sports

Encourage a Healthy Lifestyle

Making exercise a part of your child’s life teaches your child the importance of fitness. This, along with proper nutrition, plays a vital role in maintaining health. Children need physical activity every day and participation in sports helps fill this need. With today’s wealth of video games and increasing computer literacy, daily physical activity is often times forgotten. Getting your child involved with sports helps them make exercise a part of their lifestyle and increases their chance of a being a healthier adult.

Promote Self Esteem
When a child realizes that they are getting better and better at their sport, they can’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment. Choosing a sport your child can grow and improve in gives your child an opportunity to build self-esteem. Together, with positive reinforcement from you their parent, they will gain confidence and have a more positive view of themselves.

Learn Goal Setting
I’m sure you’ll agree goal setting and success go hand in hand. Participation in sports gives your child a fun, practical way to learn about goal setting. They’ll see, experience, and learn about how goal setting works. If your child’s coach doesn’t cover goal setting, that’s okay! You as a parent can sit down with your child and set goals. By assisting your child in developing this skill, you give them a better chance at succeeding in life.

Learn and Experience Teamwork
How often have you read a help wanted ad where the employer wants a “team player” or a candidate that “works well with others”? I see it all the time. How much more valuable are you as an employee when you can put differences aside and get the job done? Sports teach children about teamwork and about how their actions affect other people. If they can’t learn to work together with teammates while playing a sport they enjoy, how will they be able to work with co-workers they may or may not like while performing a job they may or may not enjoy? This is an important lesson to learn. Encourage your child to be a team player and, as a sports parent, keep tabs on whether or not your words and actions promote this trait in your child.

Develop Time Management Skills

Adding extracurricular activities to your child’s schedule encourages development of and time management and prioritization skills. Teach your child that taking care of responsibilities, such as school work and cleaning up after themselves, comes first. This gives them their first taste of prioritization. Next, help your child formulate a plan which enables them to efficiently handle their responsibilities while still leaving time for sports practices and competitions. For example, show your child how working on homework instead of playing outside during their after-school program helps them finish their homework in time for practice each day. Then go ahead and make that part of your plan.

Learn About Dealing with Adversity
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has problems. How well you handle these mistakes and problems directly affects happiness and quality of life. Many people “get in a slump” and can’t get out of it. Others continue making the same mistakes over and over again. In sports, we always try to minimize errors, but we’re human. Mistakes happen. Even professional athletes make bad choices and make bad plays, but it’s not the mistake that counts. What you do from that point forward carries much more significance. If your child learns how to deal with adversity, errors, and challenges in sports, chances are, they’ll be able to translate that skill to real life and effectively minimize mistakes and/or bad decisions as well as competently recover from set backs.

Have Fun!
Positive experiences play an essential role in raising a happy, healthy human being. Sports provide numerous opportunities for positive experiences both for your child as an individual, and for your family as a whole. “Sports parents” are blessed with the chance to watch their child have fun while learning and developing as an athlete and as a human being.

Written by Stacie Mahoe

Owner and Operator of www.AllAboutFastpitch.com

Children, just like adults, often perform better when there is a proverbial carrot dangling just ahead. A bit of motivation can work wonders to guide your child towards better behavior or improved schoolwork.

The old fashioned chart is the generally the simplest method for you and your child to gauge his progress. A simple check mark in the allotted box will provide accurate statistics for both of you to view his betterment.

Last month, I printed a table that I had created in Word that consisted of three rows (for my three children) and forty columns. I chose the number forty, bearing in mind that if each child receives 2-4 checks per day in his row, the chart would be finished in about 2-3 weeks.

Younger children have a lesser understanding of time and delayed gratification. Toddlers should receive their reward daily, while children in the 3-5 age brackets can wait one or two weeks in anticipation of their reward. Thirty days would be the maximum time for a school-age child to obtain their reward. Teenagers can have longer-term goals, with ninety days being the longest stretch of time they ought to wait.

It took my children between two and three weeks for them to garner all of the necessary check marks for good behavior on their charts. I should note, that my children had asked for diabolos after seeing others in the neighborhood with the Chinese yo-yo. We wrote “Diabolos” on the top of the chart, and all of the children eagerly anticipated the day their chart would be completed, and they would get their prize.

Ad their check marks neared the end of the forty boxes in each column, my children looked for opportunities to earn additional checks and finish their charts. “Mom, can I get another check if I sweep the kitchen?” and “I shared the snacks from my friend’s birthday party with my brother- may I please have another check” were commonly heard!

It was a joy to have my competitive children looking out for one another, and search for opportunities to demonstrate good behavior! Find an object your child desires, print out a chart, and watch the growth in their behavior and their check marks!

9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve