First – it’s true. The teenage years are the most difficult years of a parent’s life. Perhaps not immediately, but when you stop and look at the stages you can expect to observe in your child’s life, you quickly realize your friendly 14-year-old son may not even be speaking to you in another year or so.  And not out of any particular conflict you may have caused, either.

A Danish psychologist named Erick Erickson is credited with first observing and documenting recognizable stages of normal social development in a child’s life. These are the essential issues he observed children dealing with, from birth to age 19:

If you’ve ever experienced the phenomenon of a child’s teenage years that seem to start out with remarkable harmony and communication, only to shift seemingly overnight into silence, withdrawal and discord, what you have most likely run into is the shift into sexual identity that occurs some time during this long period of social development.

This is a very difficult time for many teens. They need to be free to explore society and relationships, and figure out their own beliefs, morals and values. At this time, parental beliefs, morals and values are subjected to merciless and critical scrutiny. Depending on how well a parent has helped his or her child through earlier stages, the ride may become bumpy to perilous as a child accepts or rejects everything you have taught him.

Setting Your Child Up For His Teens

If you have not done an adequate job of helping your child learn to get a handle on his age-appropriate issues, here is where you will reap the consequences rather than the rewards. But even if you have unselfishly done everything you can to gently encourage your child through each stage and tip him towards the positive side of each age issue, his crucial search for identity and solidifying his beliefs alone will be a confusing and anxious period for him.

This is one rarely-understood reason why children seem to prefer the company of and communication with peers, rather than their parents. It’s easier to talk to someone who is thinking the way you do, feeling the things you feel and coping with the same pressures – the people you have to measure yourself against for life – rather than choosing to talk to people who may, at this point, seem out of touch and obsolete.

The balance does shift back again when a child reaches their twenties, but a truly  close relationship may not develop naturally again until closer to your child’s thirties – depending on the choices they make and how you have handled parenthood.

Understanding The Natural Order of Parenting

All this is normal.  In nature, the deep, inborn instinct is for animal parents to be highly protective of their young – that much we share with the animal kingdom. As the baby animal or bird grows, however, parents begin to push it as quickly as possible towards independence and self-reliance, ruthlessly severing ties when the young animal barely reaches maturity.  They instinctively know that their baby’s very survival depends on this self-reliance and independence being learned as rapidly as possible.

We are the only species who regularly attempts to keep our children attached for life by an invisible umbilical cord.  However, the paradoxical truth is… the more self-reliant and independent we help our teenager become, the more he will stay bonded to us as an adult – not in a needy, dependent or immature way, but in a bond created of  love, friendship and mutual respect.

In other words, the old hippie adage of the 1970’s is actually true: “If you love something, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever.”

Of course, this cutting of the psychological umbilical chord has to be done wisely. It doesn’t mean suddenly letting your teen do whatever he wants or booting him out the door.  It means honoring each stage and helping your child learn each stage’s pivotal lesson – including fully experiencing the teenage years, where you gently give your child a careful balance of security and space:  The security of solid family values and a safety net he can return to and depend on at any time… and the space to explore how he fits into society and who he is meant to be as a spiritual, sexual and aware human adult.

Here are some tips for creating a healthy, lasting bond with your child – one that will survive the turbulent teens and provide you both with a lifetime of love, respect and enjoyment…

10 Tips on Becoming a Superparent

1. Be consistent. This tops the list in helping your teen sort out confusing teen issues and develop solid values. Be consistent in your values, morals and expectations – and follow through on promises and disciplinary decisions

2. Create and share experiences. The Play Station III may be what your teenage son thinks he wants right now – but positive experiences and adventures you share together are what will nourish him for a lifetime.  All the presents in the world won’t compensate a child for your absence, emotional or otherwise, during his formative years.

3. Teach him with love. Sharing your skills with your child is a great way to further strengthen your bond – but make sure you allow him to “own” whatever you’re teaching. Don’t compete, and resist the urge to show him you can do it better (remember, it’s his confidence you are trying to build, not undermine!)

4. Model charity.  Children who see only self-absorption will become self-absorbed. Teach him there’s a bigger world out there by your behavior and actions. Carry your elderly neighbour’s groceries in for her. Get your child involved in charitable causes – even if it’s just allowing them to observe your involvement.  Speak up for what is right and care about those who are too defeated and despairing to care about themselves.

5. Don’t Judge. Children who hear nothing but criticism – even if it’s about other people – will become critical themselves. They will not know how to truly love and accept other people. Criticism leads to shallowness and an emphasis on externals, rather than deeper principles.

6. Don’t play the “Blame-and-Shame” Game. It’s surprising how many parents who actively use an impartial problem-solving focus at work will switch to “blame and shame” at home, when dealing with your children. Blaming and shaming will gift your children with nothing but a head and heart full of guilt, leading to defensiveness, evasion, lying and resentment. Instead, focus on the problem, not the perpetrator. Ask your child: “Now. How can we fix this?”

7. Listen.  True listening is an art. It doesn’t mean muttering: “That’s nice, dear…” when your daughter tells you her heart has just been broken. Listening tells a child he is important enough for you to give him your whole attention. Show you are listening by asking thoughtful, considered questions. Let him speak. In fact, create opportunities for you to be together in a situation that promotes communication. Listen, acknowledge, question and validate.

8. Teach the law of consequences.  One of the worst mistakes you can make is to protect your child from the consequences of his own actions. Allowing a child to be accountable for his behavior and deal with the consequences will teach him the lessons you want him to learn more quickly than anything else in life. Parents who shelter their children from consequences are rarely ever thanked and usually blamed later in life!

9. Love each other. If you are part of a parental unit, treat each other with respect and don’t be afraid to show affection. Have time for each other. And respect yourselves. Let your child see everything you want him to be, when he is old enough to separate and bond with another human being. Remember, he will learn from what is modeled – not what is never observed. A daughter will not learn self-confidence if her mother is a “pleaser” who constantly sublimates her own needs. A son will not learn wisdom and warmth from a father who never has time for his own family.

10. Pay Attention! Pay attention not only to your child, but to your own speech, actions and behavior. Often the pivotal moment that sends a child firmly down one path for life stems from careless parental comments, or inconsistencies in speech and behavior observed by a child. Children observe more than you might think – and in teenage years, your past actions and speech will be melted in a crucible of merciless clarity as your child evaluates your example.

Parenting an animal is a relatively simple task, solely about survival on its most basic level – avoid the predators and find food and a mate.

Parenting a human being from birth to adulthood is an astonishingly complex job. You have to teach him intangibles such as values, morality, handling emotion, interacting positively with people and how to make wise life choices.

The rewards are greater than we can ever imagine, when we suddenly realize at the end of the long and complicated teen years that we have produced a caring, ethical human being who can really make a difference in people’s lives – just as we have made a difference in his.

The days of allowing children to eat anything they desire from the pantry and cupboards is drawing to a close.  With childhood obesity rates climbing each year more parents are seeking healthy food options for their children. While many parents may take the time to make healthy main course meals, it can be a bit more difficult to monitor the types of snacks that children consume. There are a number of very healthy snacking options that can replace the heavily salted and sugared food products that many children eat on a daily basis.  Finding the time to research a variety of different snacks that are not only healthy but delicious for children is highly recommended in order to continually offer children the best healthy foods available.

In general, snacks can be divided into two different groups.  There are the salty snacks and the sweet snacks. In many cases, children do prefer to eat salty potato chips and sweet pastries between main meals. It is a very important for parents to understand that there are certain types of snack categories in order to be better prepared to offer their children healthy snack alternatives. For example, in order to replace the salty snacks that children like to eat in their spare time it is necessary to find a healthy equivalent. Such foods that can replace many of the salty snacks include vegetables such as carrot sticks and celery with a low-fat dressing, air popped popcorn or baked tortilla chips. These options are not only healthy but they are also delicious and satisfy the urge to eat a salty snack.

Similarly, there are numerous healthy alternatives to satisfy a child’s sweet tooth. Instead allowing children to gorge on pastries, cookies and sugar filled candies parents can offer a selection of sweet healthy snacks for kids. Fruit is one of the best healthy alternatives to satisfy a sweet tooth. There is an array of fruit available on the market. The key to introducing fruit to children as an alternative to unhealthy sweet snacks is to provide a variety. While apples and oranges are great, there are a host of other fruits that can be purchased that children will surely enjoy. Such fruit as pineapples, mangoes, kiwi, bananas, grapes and an assortment of melons are available to choose from. Instead of limiting children to certain types of fruit make it a priority to introduce them to different fruit as snacks.

One of the best ways to get children to eat healthier snacks is to involve them in the process of choosing the foods that they would like to eat.  Parents can explain to their children the benefits of eating healthier foods and take their children along to the grocery store or local farmers markets to select fruit and vegetables.  Then, parents can engage their children in the process of making healthy snacks by allowing them to choose which fruit or vegetable they would like to eat.  When children feel they have an opportunity to select the foods they would like to eat they are more likely to be willing to consume the healthy foods that a parent offers.

Learn more about healthy eating for kids.

Alan Carson, ACPI® Coach for Parents

Several weeks ago NBC and its sister networks devoted hours of programming to exploring the wide-ranging failure of public education in the United States. As a person who spent 36 years in education, 21 years as a teacher and 16 years as a middle school guidance counselor, I completely agree that there is much to be concerned about.  Specifically looking at the 8th grade Mathematics TIMMS (Trends in International Mathematics and Science Study) results, the U.S. is significantly behind most Asian countries (Singapore, Chinese Taipei, Hong Kong, S. Korea and Japan), but also behind Hungary— and only a few points ahead of Slovenia and the Czech Republic.  This is surprising and should alarm all of us.

When we examine these statistics a little closer, we find that our Honors students do as well as any kids in the world. Simplistically, we have lots of kids who value education and are willing to work hard, but way too many kids who are unwilling to make the sacrifices to be good students. If you put student grades on a Bell Curve, there is no Bell Curve— there is a roller-coaster. Tons of phenomenal kids, way too many kids who don’t seem to care, and others in the middle.

Nobody can give students an education; they must earn an education. Of course all adults involved in education must love children and do their best for kids, but the bottom line is that you can’t make students earn an education. In my opinion, as a country, our thinking is codependent. We’re trying to control and accept ownership for the behavior and decisions students are making.  When kids underachieve, fail, and/or drop out, too many people conclude it is the fault of parents and educators.  We have to own our part, but we can’t own more than the kids own. When kids want to learn, they can achieve great things. You may have seen in the news that a girl who spent most of her teen years homeless gained admission into Harvard. My friend’s son struggled with ADHD growing up and is now a college Physics professor with a Ph.D.

It is time to get to the purpose of this article— presenting a parenting philosophy that influences our kids to be good students. When our children are in early elementary school, we have a great deal of control and can establish a routine for getting schoolwork done. The comments that follow are most applicable to parents with kids who are entering middle school and high school.  As you know, when our kids start developing a “mind of their own,” our level of control diminishes.

1) School is our kid’s primary responsibility— it is their education and their future. Ultimately they have to decide when to do homework, where to do homework, how to study for tests, and how long to study. They have to learn how to be successful, which often is preceded by learning what doesn’t work.

2) Micromanaging our kids only solve problems in the short run, and creates huge problems in the long run. We’ll raise kids who lack the skills to succeed on their own. Therefore, a great time to begin letting go and turning more control over to your kids is when they are in upper elementary school.   Sit down with them and have them create a plan for getting their work done. Hold them accountable to do what they agree to do. However, if they struggle with this additional responsibility and their grades dip, it is OK.  I am not advocating completely letting go— but it should be a gradual process.

3) We cannot accept ownership for their education.  How can we tell we’re doing that? We care more than they care. We worry more than they worry. When there are problems, we do more of the thinking and problem solving. Our kids have to care more than we do. I strongly believe that if we worry about their education, they will not worry.

4) What do we do if they flounder? We sit down with them and ask lots of questions. We don’t tell them what to do, we ask them what they need to do. If their grades go down or the teacher e-mails you that work is not getting completed, we have a chat and ask:

• How did you get into this predicament?

• What do you need to do differently?

• What do you need from me?

• Would you like to hear what I have been observing?

When our kids struggle, we do not overreact and return to micromanaging. We listen to their plan and give them the chance to fix things. When we see improvement, we recognize their effort and self-discipline by telling them so. If their performance doesn’t change after our discussion, we intervene and create structure. School is their job and we hold them accountable to take care of business.

5) If our kids are doing poorly in school, we eliminate distractions. There is a difference between what kids want and what kids need.  They need wholesome activities, and I do not believe in taking those away from kids. They learn a lot about success and failure from sports and other structured activities. However, they don’t need Facebook, computer games, TV, and sleepovers.  If they want those things, they will earn them. They earn them by displaying responsibility. They have to reach the conclusion that being irresponsible doesn’t pay.

6) I will finish part one of this topic briefly addressing motivation. Our goal should be that our kids are internally motivated to be successful in school. When they do well, we want them to be proud of their effort and the results, and experience a sense of satisfaction regarding their accomplishment. We also want them to enjoy learning math, science, and history.  If we just focus on grades, we are making a big mistake. We fail to acknowledge our child’s effort, determination and self-discipline— because it is all about grades. And as just mentioned, we also probably don’t discuss what our kids what they talked about in history that day; we stick with outcome questions such as, “Did you get your quiz back today?”  Focusing on grades undermines internal motivation and harms communication.

I will conclude discussing a parent’s role in their children’s education in my next article.

Holiday stress is just one of those things we choose to deal with year after year because it benefits others. High levels of it can be just as bad as any other stress though, so it’s a good idea to do things that will help keep the spooky, turkey and Santa stress low.

A good first step is to map out some of the bumps in the road that can be avoided from last year. Lay it out on paper and make two separate lists: Things that work and things that won’t work. Things that work should be a list of things that come easy to you and you know you can do without worrying. Try and focus on the event or ideas that made you happy throughout, not just once it was over. Things that won’t work should be the stuff you remember being draining and leaving you overwhelmed. Figure out what you need to do to incorporate more of the positive list and weed out the negative list. Tweaking the things that won’t work can also help make them good if they just can’t be done without.

Family crafts are one of the best holiday ideas you can practice. Most holidays originated from handmade goodness and it brings the family closer together when everybody is making them. Even the baby can scribble a little something on a piece of paper for a truly sentimental gift card. With all of this done before the actual holidays ever arrive, it’s one less thing to worry about when the time comes to deliver your holiday cards.

Shopping is also one of those big stress factors that can be easily dealt with if it’s done before the crunch-time. Keep a list of the holidays you buy for next to the calendar so you see it everyday. When you’re out and about buy things on sale no matter what time of year it and cross them off of your list as you go. Always watch for specials, especially online ones that you may not see advertised in the weekly paper. For instance, there is almost always some good Best Buy coupons online and Walmart coupons. This actually turns shopping into something fun and it becomes a big relief come the holiday when you have everything ready to go. Also consider buying green, the products help the environment and tend to cost less, less cost is less stress.

Try some simpler approaches to gift wrapping with creative gift wrapping. Stick to one color and match everything including bows and bags to that color. This way, if anything happens to the wrapping or ties before it’s time to open them you have handy replacements ready to go. You can also choose a theme. Either way, start picking these things up (bags, scarves or even magazines you can cut from to create easy, cheap wrapping). Once it’s time to wrap, you have everything ready to go.

If you are planning on traveling somewhere with the gifts just throw some spare wrapping and bows in the car and give them an extra touch up once you arrive.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Getting enough sleep and eating more than a cup of coffee will help you keep control of any stresses that do find their way into your holidays. A good diet and some sort of exercise helps maintain energy levels, which is a big factor on how stressful situations are handled. Low energy means high irritability and that’s no good for the holiday spirits. So eat up and rest up and start immediately. The sooner you put your holiday plans into action the sooner you get to relax and enjoy all your hard work.

by:  Alan W. Carson ACPI® Coach for Parents

In my first article on letting go, we focused on the importance of parents requiring that their kids accept an increasing amount of responsibility as they mature.  The goal is that our children can largely succeed on their own by the time they graduate from high school. Therefore, some of the traits and qualities our kids have to possess are self-discipline, time management, a good work ethic, resilience, passion, and strong people skills. If we are always hovering and rescuing our kids, we are sacrificing long-term success for short-term success.

In this second article, we’ll discuss letting go from our child’s point of view. In a nutshell, tweens and teens want more and more privileges and freedom. As I mentioned in last week’s article I was a middle school guidance counselor for fifteen years and consistently interacted with parents, often as a result of their child’s underachievement. In attempting to gather more information from these parents, I would often ask about the child’s routines, obligations and activities outside of school.  It was often the case that underachieving students lived the good life: time with friends, minimal responsibilities at home, an iPod and cell phone, and lots of screen time (TV, computer games, and social networks). When I hear these kinds of stories, I ask myself, “Why is this child given all of these privileges devoid of expectations? What is this student learning? How is this child going to afford this lifestyle as an adult if he has never acquired a work ethic while growing up?”

Our children need our love, attention, acceptance, support and time.  Our kids want but do not need computer games, iPods, Facebook, sleepovers and ultimately get their driver’s license and go to parties and concerts. We parents cannot let go and just give these kinds of things to our tweens and teens without requiring that they earn them.

Our kids are given what they need and earn what they want.  If we raise our kids to understand that privileges are earned, when they haven’t earned a privilege who are they going to direct their anger towards?  They need to be mad at themselves. We cannot allow ourselves to buy into their manipulation and conclude that we’re unreasonable parents.

We’ll look specifically at our child’s desire to have a cell phone.  Most kids start begging their parents for a cell phone in 5th or 6th grade. We’ll say my daughter, Annie, brings up the issue of a cell phone in the summer before her 6th grade year. If I am on the ball I say, “Annie, I have to think about this.”  One of the questions I ask myself is, “Does Annie normally display responsibility?”  If the answer is yes, I continue to give her request consideration and start thinking about the guidelines I expect her to follow.

If Annie is fairly irresponsible, she is not ready for a phone. These two issues are directly related. If I bought Annie a cell phone she needs to be responsible enough to:

- know where it is and not lose it

- keep it charged

- keep it on silent in school, church, etc

- keep it away from water

- turn it off at bedtime

- not misuse the phone by sexting or by sending nasty e-mails.

If Annie is not ready for the phone, here is what I say:

“Annie, I have given your request for a phone a lot of thought. At this time,   the answer is no, and here is why. Having a cell phone is a significant   responsibility. Thus far, you haven’t demonstrated to me that you are    responsible enough. I have to nag you to do your homework, you don’t clean up after yourself, it is almost impossible to get you out of bed in the morning, and most of the time I end up doing your chores.  Work on these things and  we’ll talk.”

This approach to earned privileges is beautiful.  We don’t argue, we don’t attack, and we don’t criticize. We place the burden where it belongs– back on our child.  We use the cell phone issue to influence her to become more responsible. If she wants a phone badly enough, she’ll shape up. If Annie responds with a disrespectful tone, we say:

“Annie, why are you giving me an attitude? I know you want a phone and lots  of your friends have them. I know you are missing out on all the texting that    goes on. But the bottom line is that I am happy to buy you a phone when I feel   comfortable that you’ll take care of it. To buy you one before you are ready is     to set you up to fail.”

[For the benefit of those of you with young kids, even impressive kids make mistakes-- they are kids. My superb daughter, a graduating high school senior is on her 4th phone.  The first went through the laundry because my wife doesn't check pockets, the 2nd fell in the toilet and the 3rd broke when it fell on a concrete floor. None of us are perfect.]

This philosophy holds true for all privileges: sleepovers, parties, getting your driver’s license, and video game consoles.  When our kids display the qualities they need to display, they get more perks. They get more perks because they have demonstrated the ability to make good decisions. When they continue to make good decisions, they earn more privileges. If they make poor decisions, privileges are removed until they convince us they have learned their lesson.  We should not agree to a privilege an then sit and worry all night about them.

Let’s prepare our kids to be successful, healthy adults!

Alan is an ACPI® Coach for Parents, and author of Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality, which is available from his website as an e-book–

www.coachforparents.net.  Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com

Some parents are afraid that their child won’t change no matter what they do. Many find themselves reacting automatically when their child behaves inappropriately; as soon as he acts out, they’re yelling and screaming, or getting sucked into power struggles. And even when parents try something new, it’s easy for them to get discouraged. Some try to do different things from time to time, but when these methods seem to be ineffective, they eventually give up. This is true especially if the behavior has been a problem for years and they haven’t been able to do anything about it.

To anyone who asks the question, “Is it too late to change my parenting style?” I would say that it’s never too late. It may not always be easy, but there are effective things you can start doing right away to change the way you respond—and to improve your child’s behavior.

1. Decide What You Want to Work on First: One of the things I see with parents is that they don’t know where to start. But I think it’s simple: start with the things that put your child at risk. These are the behaviors that are physically or emotionally dangerous to your child or others—where he is hurting somebody physically, breaking things, or being unsafe outside of the home.

My experience is that if you want to change everything at once, you’re going to be very disappointed. Not only is that an impossible task; you’re going to alienate your child. I also think parents should address the things that violate their values and morals, and that are risky to the child and others. Start there. Do we want to change everything? Well, good luck, maybe we can. But I think we want to start with the most dangerous, risky stuff, and then move forward.

2. Pinpoint Exactly What You Want to Change: I think it’s helpful for parents to break behaviors down into separate pieces and work on them one at a time. So if your child curses at you and storms up to his room and slams the door, start with the behavior you want to change most. When you talk with him, you want to break it down. Begin with, “Don’t curse. That doesn’t help solve the problem, and I’m offended by it. What do you think you could do differently the next time you get upset?” Your child may not be able to come up with anything, but offer some suggestions and get him to pick one option. And then say, “All right, so the next time you’re upset, instead of cursing, you’ll just go to your room.”

So work on the behavior you want to change most—then, move on to the next one. Don’t try to tackle everything at once.

3. Explain the Change: If you’re going to change a specific response to a behavior, it might be helpful to sit down with your child and explain what that change is going to be. When things are going well and everybody is calm, you can say, “Oh, by the way, I wanted to tell you something. I don’t think being grounded in your room all day when you use bad language is working around here. It doesn’t seem to be helping you to change. So from now on when you curse, you’re going to go into your room until you write a letter of apology. Then, when you’re done with that letter, you can read it to me and we’ll talk about it. While you’re in your room, I’m going to take your computer and cell phone away to make sure you stay on target.” Be clear on what you’re going to do. Your child may get angry and frustrated, but don’t let him turn it into an argument. Say, “I understand that it might be frustrating, but this is how I want our family to work.”

I also suggest that you don’t make speeches, but keep your remarks specific and focused. Remember, speeches cut down on communication.

4. Tell Your Child What the Goal Is: I think it’s important to define your goals to your child. You can say something like, “My goal is that you don’t hurt other people by saying bad words.” Or “My goal is that you don’t steal money out of my wallet,” or “My goal is that you don’t punch the wall,” or “My goal is that you don’t throw sand in kids’ faces or bite them when you’re playing in the sandbox.” You can start out the conversation by saying, “I’ve noticed that when somebody teases you a little, you get really upset and you get yourself into trouble. I hate to see that, because then you get punished—and it happens all over again the next day. So from now on, let’s figure out a way for you to handle this differently so that you don’t get into trouble. When someone teases you, what can you do instead?” And come up with a game plan of what he might do next time.

It’s important to realize that what comes out of your mouth doesn’t always get into your child’s ear the way you want it to. And so even if your child is confused when you talk with him—he may be frustrated, worried, or angry—just try to stay calm. Whatever it is, say, “Let’s just see how it works out first.” Your child doesn’t have to agree; it’s not a democracy. But it’s a way of approaching problems that, over time, will change his perceptions of his relationship with authority—and his relationship with you.

5. Manage Opportunity: If you’re concerned that your child is going to do something hurtful or destructive, one of your options is to manage the opportunities he has. Let’s say you have a teenager who continuously gets speeding tickets. He doesn’t respond to your efforts to get him to take responsibility and drive more safely. One of the things you can do is take away his car. When you do that, you’re taking away the opportunity. It’s similar with younger kids. If they demonstrate that they won’t stop stealing money out of your wallet, take away the opportunity by putting a lock on your door or locking your purse in the trunk of your car. Opportunity management is one of the simplest ways of shaping behavior. In other words, if your daughter can’t handle the mall without throwing tantrums, don’t take her to the mall. If your son is at a restaurant and he can’t stop acting out, take him out of the restaurant. Once your child demonstrates that he can’t handle something, remove the opportunity until he shows you that he can. Often, if your child doesn’t have the opportunity to do something, it won’t happen.

6. Don’t Appeal to Your Child’s Empathy: Asking your child, “Do you know how it feels when you’re disrespectful to me?” or asking, “How do you think Tommy feels when you take his lunch money?” are appeals to your child’s empathy. But children, and especially teenagers, don’t experience much empathy for anybody. They are simply not in touch with those feelings. The apparatus that manages empathy in the mind is not working properly yet; some say it isn’t fully formed. Regardless of the reasons, empathy is not an approach that will convince your child of anything. Consequently, they don’t experience empathy for everyday situations, so you can’t depend on that tactic to change their behavior. Instead, you have to work with their self-interest. If you want your child to change something, you have to demonstrate that he will benefit from changing; that it’s in his self-interest. If you want your child to stop lying or manipulating, you have to frame it in a way so he can see how he would benefit from stopping that behavior. It’s not helpful to say “Can’t you see how much your manipulating hurts me?” Instead, say, “Aren’t you sick of getting grounded for manipulating? You’re the one who gets hurt when you manipulate. Remember, Josh, the consequences won’t stop until the manipulation stops. So stop doing this to yourself.”

7. Set Limits and Give Consequences: I think an important component of teaching our kids is learning how to set limits on them. There’s an old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” But I say, “You can lead a horse to water and you can’t make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.” That’s what your consequences should be designed to do. Accordingly, we can’t make our child change. But if we use the right combination of consequences and motivation, we can, in a sense, make them thirsty to change.

Remember, consequences are a means to an end. And if you find an effective consequence, continue to use it. By “effective” I mean that your child responds to it, even if only for a short while. It’s not always helpful to immediately go for a bigger hammer if the consequence doesn’t appear to be working. You should always have a bigger hammer in your toolbox, but escalate slowly.

Here’s the deal: someday your child is going to change—if not for you, then for his boss, a judge, his probation officer, or his girlfriend. Hopefully he’ll change before he engages in too much self-destruction. In any case, you’re on duty now, it’s your watch, so just do the best you can.

So how do you know if you should change your parenting style? I believe that you have to change the way you parent if what you’ve been doing up until now has proven ineffective. There’s information regarding learning effective parenting styles, giving effective consequences, and ways to have conversations with your child that promote change and don’t create excuses. Do your best to access that information, both here on Empowering Parents and in other trusted places.

And remember: It’s never too late.

By:  James Lehman

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

For twenty-one years I taught a sexuality unit as part of my eleventh grade health education course.  At the beginning of my career it was a risk to teach anything other than the biological aspects of sexuality, and my superintendent told me so. But I knew kids needed information on boundaries, relationships, love and pre-marital sex, and I accepted the risk.

In 2001, while serving as a school counselor and parent education facilitator, a parent stayed after a parenting class, handed me an article, and said, “I have a new class for you to teach.” The article discussed the casual sexual behavior of many teens, referred to currently as the hook-up culture. So I spent the next year researching adolescent sexuality and started the course It’s About Time.

Since then I have not only attempted to convince parents that they need to be their child’s primary sexuality educator, but I have also created opportunities to speak to teens on the subject. Much to my surprise, teens listened to every word out of my mouth. Even senior high boys respected me for telling them to be gentlemen. I have yet to have even one negative experience speaking to parents or kids about sexuality. Why?  Parents are petrified because their kids are being bombarded by sexuality in the media, and kids know having sex with virtual strangers is damaging their souls. Here are shocking statistics regarding the youth culture:

* 25% of females have been victims of dating violence

* 23% of teen girls have sent nude or semi-nude “sext” images of themselves

electronically; the number one reason for doing so is pressure from their boyfriends

* 70% of college females have been verbally coerced into having unwanted  sex

* The U.S. has the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the developed world,  and the highest rate of teens contracting STDs (40% of sexually active teen females)

* Boys having sex as teens are six times more likely to be depressed and girls are four times as likely to be depressed in comparison to teens who are virgins

* Oral sex is seen as being less intimate than kissing by many teens

* 88% of teens feel pressure to have sex

Many of these statistics refer to the sad state of affairs with girls, but it is girls who get pregnant, who are victims of male aggression, who are much more prone to STDs, and who are wired for sex to be part of an emotionally connected relationship, and who get called vulgar names if they are sexually active. Young males can easily separate love and sex, and need specific instruction in order to behave as gentlemen.

Our society is saturated with sexual content and yet parents are not being proactive in talking to their kids, and schools are still at least ten years behind the times in delivering meaningful sexuality education. In ’It’s About Time’ we give our teens the direction they need to make healthy choices with their sexuality. Teens do not understand that they cannot hook-up in casual sexual encounters without it affecting future relationships and the role of physical intimacy in those loving relationships. Teen boys cannot use teen girls, and girls cannot allow themselves to be used without it impacting the respect each has for the other.

The good news is that numerous research studies all conclude with the same finding: teens want their parents to guide their decisions with respect to their sexual behavior. They turn to their peers and the Internet by default. We have a moral obligation to shape our child’s sexual attitudes, beliefs and behavior. Their future family happiness is at stake.

My concern for the choices many teens are making, the indecency of the media, and the lack of quality comprehensive sexuality education lead me to write Before They Know It All: Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sexuality. I am thrilled to partner with Ellen Braun and offer a tele-course for parents on the topic of communicating with our children about sexuality. Information on this course, along with a free tele-class we are offering is available here:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/thetalk/freecall/ – slots are limited to 500, so reserve your spot now.

Alan Carson is a retired educator and ACPI® Coach for Parents. Alan can be reached at alancrsn@gmail.com or through his website, http:www.coachforparents.net.

There are two major issues to be considered with respect to teens lying to their parents: the parent-child relationship and the extent to which the teen sees his parents as authority figures.

First, we’ll examine the relationship.  As discussed in my most recent article on the subject of parenting teenagers and peer pressure, if we expect to have a meaningful impact on our teen’s choices, we have to be in a connected relationship with them. A parent-teen relationship should possess the same qualities as any other relationship: with trust at the foundation. My daughter needs to know that she can trust me to tell her the truth, trust that I want what is best for her, trust that I will be there when she needs me, trust I won’t crush her dreams, and trust that I will make sacrifices to help her get where she wants to go.  However, for there to be a relationship, my daughter needs to feel the same way about me.  I can be the most loving, giving dad on the planet, but if my daughter doesn’t respect me, we don’t have a relationship.

Therefore, the expectation I have of my daughter, or any teen I am in a relationship with (I coach basketball), is that we’re honest with each other. “I won’t lie to you, you won’t lie to me.” We can also say, “If you do something wrong, don’t make matters worse by lying about it. I can deal with the truth– I can’t deal with lies.”

In spite of this wonderful philosophy,  let’s say I catch my daughter in a fairly significant lie.  I’d say,”Sarah, sit down here, we have to have a talk.  You obviously lied to me.  I gave   you permission to go to Joanne’s house, but you had no intentions of being at  Joanne’s house.  You planned all along to go see Jason.  Why did you lie to me,  why did you feel you couldn’t be honest with me about this?”

Or

“Sarah, I have some questions for you.  Do I respect you– you know, do I snoop through your backpack, do I look through your cell phone?  No, of course not.  Don’t I try my best to cooperate with you when you want to do something? Didn’t I just agree to  allow you to go to a concert that was being held on a school night?  And how about driving? You get to drive one of our two family cars to school a lot, right? So, explain why lying to me  is OK with you?”

** If you really want to be calm and non-confrontational, say, “You lied to me about where you were going, what’s up with that?”  Doesn’t that sound harmless? “What’s up with that” is a great way to ask, “What is your problem?” or “What’s wrong with you?”

We then engage in a discussion about the incident. Discipline involves communication and teaching. Depending on how the conversation evolves, our teen may or may not suffer a consequence. If we think the message we delivered was sincerely accepted and understood, and she sees the error of her ways, a consequence may not be necessary. If a consequence is appropriate, I prefer, “What are you going to do to make this right?”

Our teen created a problem and our teen will do the thinking– not us.  If her plan is lame, we say, “That is unacceptable, you have to do better than that.” It has to be a losing proposition to be uncooperative and untrustworthy.

We also have to be an authority figure.  Why should our kids listen to us if we’re permissive wimps? Our words would mean nothing. Our kids conclude that our threats are hollow, and that they can manipulate their way out of experiencing a consequence. Waiting until the teen years to start clamping down is often too late because our kids don’t respect our authority. Our kids have to learn when they are young that,  “When my mother speaks, she means it. If I test her, I will lose. As long as I make good decisions, there is a good chance I’ll get to do what I want to do.”

Can I sit here and tell you this approach worked with my daughter? Yes I can. As a kid she slammed doors, kicked me, hit me, and was an unappreciative, entitled child. By ten years of age, she was a self-disciplined kid, because she learned,  “When I make good decisions, I have a great life.”

This includes lying. I do believe she creates her own reality on occasion (ex. “I’ll have enough times in study hall to finishing the book.”), but she is a moral person who doesn’t lie to me or anyone else. In large part, she doesn’t lie to me because we have a connected relationship and she does respect me.

Here are some of the replies:

Getting my 11-year-old motivated to do more and to avoid disagreements.

My 9-year-old daughter is very disrespectful and I want to address that.

I not only want to be a better grandparent than I was a parent at 17; I want to set a good example for my grandchildren’s parents.

I want to foster joy and creativity in my child.

My 5-year-old sulks and pouts whenever things do not go his way.

Trying to get my kids to do what they need to do (get dressed, bathe, come to dinner) without threats, counting or other coercion.

Each statement above deserves its own article and comes with its unique history and circumstances.

Yet, it is possible to address so many issues simultaneously by thinking of your child as a river.  Yes, imagine that your daughter is a small stream in your yard.

The stream flows from upstream and meanders to the left in your backyard.  For the sake of this parable, ‘left’ is a manifestation of negative behavior, and ‘right’ refers to positive behavior.

Your child is exhibiting negative behavior, and you’d like to see her take positive actions.

So, in our story, the creek is flowing towards the left, and your goal is to change the current to the right.

There are lots of things you can do to change the flow of the water:  You may choose to use oars to manually direct the current in the opposite direction; you can get a powerful fan to blow the waters toward the right; or you may decide to use the force of your hands to guide the water in its new path.

Similarly, you may choose to offer your child an incentive for better behavior, a threat of punishment for negative behavior, or distract your daughter for the issue at hand and hope for the best!

All of your activities at the stream in your yard will have a little bit of impact in the flow of the water, but the current will resume its prior direction as soon as you stop tinkering with it.  So too, your child will likely revert back to negative habits as soon as you cease the incentives or threats.

Only by manipulating the riverbed can you cause lasting change to the flow of water in your yard.  You may not be aware of the bedrock beneath the stream, yet that is what defines the path of the water.

And it is only by fundamentally changing the bedrock of your relationship with your child that real and meaningful behavioral changes will occur.  It is entirely possible that you are currently unaware of the subtleties of the parent-child relationship in your home; yet that is the foundation that determines the dynamics of your family.

Many people continue to kick and slap the water flowing in their yard in the right direction, and they feel continually frustrated to find that a short time later the old situation returned.  Most parents continue to institute incentives and threats, and are surprised that their children do not exhibit respect and compliance.

The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz eloquently describes that when superficial changes are made, lasting changes cannot occur.  If the riverbed remains unchanged, the water will continue to flow as it always has, since that is the most natural route for it to take.  If the underlying structures of your life remain unchanged; the greatest tendency is for you and your family to follow the same direction your life has always taken.

Just as engineers can change the path of a river by changing the structure of the terrain so that the river flows where they want it to go, you can change the very basic structure of your family relationships to create the life you want.

I will be sharing years of accumulated knowledge and exercises that you can do to make your family’s new habits easier to do than the old ones in my new teleseminar.  Details can be found here:  http://www.raisingsmallsouls.com/connection-workshop/

by:  © Alan Carson ACPI© Coach for Parents

Having taught, coached, counseled teens for a career, and being the father of a seventeen-year old, I think I know teens.  In my opinion, here is how we need to parent teenagers effectively:

1) Teens absolutely need to be trusted. It is beyond wanting to be trusted.  They need us to trust them. Even when they make mistakes, do stupid things, defy boundaries, they expect that we’ll trust them to learn from their mistakes.  That is the tough part— they do something ridiculous and we’re still supposed to trust them.

I know this is ludicrous, but here’s the problem.  If we communicate that we don’t trust them, then they internalize that and say to themselves, “My parents don’t trust me, so I guess I’m a loser.  Since I’m a loser, I’ll do what losers do. My parents don’t expect any better from me.”

Therefore, we need to say things like:

“We need to work on this trust issue.”

“Convince me you’ve learned your lesson. I should trust you because—??”

“I trust you’ve learned from this and it won’t happen again.”

“You do want me to trust you, right? Well let’s earn it, OK?”

“You’re a smart kid, I expect better from you.”

2)  Teens want the right to make their own decisions— when to study and do homework, how much to study, who to be friends with, when to go to bed, and so forth.  And they want to make these decisions to the extent that they will go against our logical advice just to do it their way.  Asserting control can be more powerful for them than the desire to be successful. Therefore, we need to plant seeds and trust they will give our opinions consideration.

3)  Power struggles are lose-lose. We can’t make teens do anything and if we try, the lose-lose is:

-  our relationship suffers

-  they possibly are going to do what they want to do anyway

-  if they do what we want them to do against their will, they’ll resent us

-  we get frustrated, irritated and angry

4)  Our power when parenting our teens is in our relationship with them. If we create a heart connection with our kids, they will not want to disappoint us because they respect us. None of us like letting down people we respect. When they are out with their friends, they’ll think about us before they do something stupid or wrong. Why?  Because when they come home they’ll have to look us in the eye, and if they behaved poorly, that will make them uncomfortable. Did you want to hurt people you respected when you were growing up? Our relationship with our teens trumps all other issues.

5)  We can’t control who they choose to be friends with. All we can control is holding them accountable for their behavior, regardless of the circumstances. Therefore we say, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you

get to pick who you’re friends with. I resented it when my parents didn’t like my friends and so we’re not going to do that with you. The bad news is, if you get in trouble when you’re with your friends, don’t expect me to bail you out or buy your story. You will be held accountable.”

6)  Teens are hyper sensitive to both our opinions and our judgments. Don’t take it personally if your child gets irritated with you when you communicate your thoughts about something.  It is highly annoying, but just say “I’m allowed to have

my own brain you know.”  Adolescence is tough— growing up is about forming your own identity.  So they are not children and they aren’t adults. They are half way between, and becoming their own person can be a tough phase. One of the outcomes is that they get irritated when we open our mouth. Don’t create a conflict with them over it, but do set a boundary.

7)  Teens want freedom. They don’t want to hear “no.”  While there will be times that we need to say “no,” we should do our best to negotiate. We express our concerns and require that our kids convince us that they have a plan to stay safe and fulfill our expectations. We’d love to protect our teens, but we often can’t.  We have to prepare them for the teen culture. We prepare them by talking with them about potential risks and how we expect them to conduct themselves.

8 )   Our kids want to fit in with their peers and specifically fit in with their own peer group. Therefore, we have to hope that our kids choose friends who we’re pleased with.  If we’re not thrilled with their friends, we probably won’t like our child’s clothing, music, media interests, activities— and so forth.  When that is the case, we communicate our concerns and discuss the impact their decision-making may have on their future goals. Regardless of our fears, we have to keep #4 in mind:  our power is in our relationship. The teen culture is powerful, but not as powerful as a connected parent-teen relationship.

9)   The older they get, the more we have to let go. Micromanaging a teen is counterproductive. They have to learn to make decisions, and it is best that we start to do that when they are young and poor decisions normally don’t have grave consequences:  going to school tired, failing to finish a project on time, and going to a Friday night high school football game without a coat are things our kids are better off experiencing when they are young.

Questions? Add your comments and questions below:

Until recently, the only time in my life I went gambling was with my buddies during my first year of teaching.  I was asked to play “penny poker,” and was told to bring a bunch of pennies, nickels and dimes.  Even though it was thirty years ago, I vividly remember what happened that night.  I turned over a Queen, and bet all of my change that the next card would be lower than a Queen.  That card was an Ace and I instantly became really angry.  Even though I did not lose much money, I was done with gambling–forever!

Then, this past November I took my friend to a University of Pittsburgh football game and we decided to eat lunch at the new first class Rivers Casino buffet.  I knew Bill had been to casinos before and gambled a bit, but gambling on this occasion was not even discussed.  We arrived 20 minutes before the buffet opened, and Bill found his favorite game of chance, the poker slot machines.  Bill played a couple of games, and showed me how Texas hold ‘em worked.  Well, within ten minutes I lost $20.

Question:  Did Bill pressure me to play Texas hold ‘em?  Was that an example of peer pressure? No, it was not peer pressure.  Bill didn’t:

a. Say,  “Play the slots or I won’t go to any more Pitt games with you.”
b. Say,  “Stop being a wimp.”
c. Say,  “You don’t have much money, so you can’t lose much; you might even win!”
d. Even ask me if I wanted to gamble.

I gambled because my friend’s enjoyment of modest gambling influenced me to want to try  it.  I was with someone who was willing to lose $20, so I was willing to lose $20.

The point is peer influence is a bigger issue than peer pressure. This is not to say that kids are not susceptible to peer pressure, but far more kids will choose to engage in behavior just because the people they are with are doing it.  Nobody has to say a word because nobody wants to be different.  Sometimes these situations are fairly harmless and sometimes they are very risky.

Peer pressure usually occurs in one of the following ways, as depicted in a,b,c,d above:

a.  Rejection
b.  Put down
c.  Reasoning
d.  Unspoken (often a better fit with peer influence)

Does peer pressure exist in the teen culture?  Yes, but it is not as problematic as many adults think it is.  If my high school daughter was leaving home to go to a school dance and I said,  “Now darling, don’t let anybody pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do,”  she would look at me like I was a dork.  We would create a problem, because we need credibility with our kids.  This approach is unrealistic because:

1. The teen culture is values neutral.  This is no right and wrong. Kids say, “That’s his choice.” Hooking-up isn’t wrong, cheating isn’t wrong, Chris Brown beating girlfriend Rihanna isn’t wrong.
2. In most cases, it is not cool to pressure someone into doing something.
3. To allow yourself to be pressured into doing something lowers your
status within the peer group.  Kids who party have respect for   students who don’t party.  If a clean cut kid gets drunk, he will lose  the respect of many others.

As I see it, there is peer pressure in three areas:

1. Kids pressure each other to have sex.  Guys pressure girls, guys pressure  other guys (a macho thing), and girls pressure other girls (misery loves company).
2. Kids who are not comfortable with themselves or with their standing in the peer group can be pressured into doing things in an effort to improve their standing in the group.
3.  Kids will pressure other kids if they need help doing something wrong.
(“Tell Mrs. Jones that you needed my help setting up for the  assembly.  I need you to tell her I was with you.”)

Peer Influence

The toughest pressure we face is the pressure we put on ourselves.  We want to fit in, be well-liked, be popular, be funny, and we don’t want to be different or be made fun of.  It is also possible we’re being influenced because we are curious.

Teen surveys support what I am saying.  Only 35% of teens report that they ever were pressured to do something by a peer, or pressured one of their friends.  However when asked, “Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong to possibly avoid being teased,” 50% said yes.  Internal pressure is greater than external pressure.  It is a fact of life that our peers influence our choices regardless of age, just as I was influenced to waste $20 gambling.  Teens are influenced to wear certain clothing, watch TV shows, get Facebook, and join peer groups.  Negatively, they are influenced to drink alcohol and have sex.

Helping Our Kids Make Good Decisions

1. We need to strengthen our children as they mature by:

a. Teaching our kids that they have the right to say no and they need to be  comfortable saying no. Their first obligation is to themselves.
b. Respecting their boundaries– when they say “Please stop nagging me”;  “OK mom, you can stop now”;  “I don’t want to invite him to my birthday party–it is my birthday,” we have to respect them.
c. Acknowledging their feelings and letting them express their feelings  (they are welcome to be mad, but they cannot mean).
d. Enhancing their uniqueness (they must realize they are their own  person, with strengths, needs, values and beliefs).
e. Supporting them as they struggle with making decisions; but we need to allow them to make decisions so they learn to make good choices.
f. Saying, “Just because somebody thinks something is right for them  doesn’t mean it is right for you.”

2. As they grow up, stress the importance of making friends with good people  (loyal, trustworthy, moral).
3. Prepare them for all new situations (trips to the mall, school dances, and walking to Starbucks after school are examples).  As the military motto states, Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
4. Focus on earned self-esteem. If our kids want to feel good about themselves, they have to earn that right.
5.  Every now and then when the opportunity presents itself, say “Don’t forget Janice, cool is when you don’t care if you are cool or not.”  This axiom is true!
6.  We all are influenced by our peers.  We need to discuss the influences that are harmful and against our values/morals, but not fight about the small things in life that aren’t harmful (crazy hair, going with the guys to play paint ball).
7. Discuss with our kids that just as there is negative peer influence/peer pressure, there is positive peer influence/pressure.  Great kids create their own norms and doing immoral or unhealthy things would cause them to be rejected from the group.  But just as importantly, we want our kids to be comfortable being vocal leaders with their friends and to speak up as soon as someone mentions doing something wrong.  Display leadership.

Examples:
“Joe, we’re not doing that.”
“Don’t be mean to Kyle; he’s odd but he doesn’t hurt anyone.”
“Carrie, I am not smoking and neither are you.”

*** The first response spoken by a peer after a teen suggests something harmful, unhealthy, immoral or illegal is very critical. If someone supports the lousy idea, there is a good chance things will proceed in that direction. But, if a teen with character and strength opposes the idea, there is a good chance the bad idea will be seen as such. Most kids are hesitant to speak up, but all it takes is for one kid to say no for others to agree.

Question:

Sincerely,

Anne – Philadelphia, PA

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a pediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear Anne,

In North America we have age of majority. In Canada, most provinces are 19, some are 18 and in the U.S it is 21. Drinking under age is against the law. Regardless of what your personal views are on minor’s drinking, if a 13-year-old were to be caught by police, it is a chargeable offense. The parents of your son’s friends are liable in these situations too. Because your son is so young, the parents’ of these friends would probably be charged in lieu of your son. Either way, who wants to get involved in that?

When you say he comes home with alcohol on his breath – is he drunk? And if it is happening a few too many times, you probably need to consider whether or not your son has an alcohol problem. If he does, he needs help! Statistics show that there is an increased risk for alcoholism the younger a person starts drinking (varies by culture).

The other issues I wonder about is whether he is drinking in the presence of these friends’ parents? Or are the parents not home? I would suggest asking your son what the situation is over at his friends’ houses. Have you tried calling these parents and having a discussion with them? – perhaps they are not aware that their son and his friends are drinking and could put measures in their house that prevents it from happening. Perhaps they do know and don’t care, which is ultimately putting your son at risk! Then you need to decide if you want your child going there anymore.

Even though you say your husband doesn’t get drunk – using any substance to mask or deal with something like pain, or anxiety or not sleeping can be problematic. The issue is that usually the body builds up a tolerance – so when two glasses of wine don’t help him fall asleep anymore it becomes three, then four etc. Before you know it, you have created a problem. Just be careful with that one. As well, if your son is aware that your husband only drinks to “fall asleep” you are communicating the need for substances outside of one’s self to help one cope. Maybe your son is drinking because he is dealing with some issue like anxiety, or social incompetence, or peer pressure where he thinks he will only be liked if he goes along with his friends and drinks. If Dad is saying it’s no big deal to have a drink “now and then” — your son has just been given permission to drink — even though you don’t think it’s right, a child will usually go with the parent who is going to let him do something!

You and your husband have to come to some kind of agreement on this issue and stay on same page when dealing with your son.

Talk to your son about how he is feeling. Refrain from lecturing about drugs and alcohol – you’ve tried that and obviously it had no benefit. Let your son know that you are there for him, no matter what. You may have to start imposing restrictions on his time away from home until you can get this sorted out and build back trust.

Signed: Help me!

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Help Me”:

When are children our babies it is relatively easy for us as parents to establish connections with them — it is an intuitive process and quite often a reciprocal one. We smile and talk softly to our infants and they respond in turn with a smile and a coo. When we meet our babies at the door in the arms of their day care providers, our whole attention is focused on our interaction with them and they in turn squeal with delight to see our radiant familiar faces. These instincts to preserve our bond with our children are continuously triggered into action during infancy. And although our love for our children certainly does not dissipate over time, our instinctive way of engaging them does. In today’s chaotic society, fractured connections with our children can pose real problems in terms of children deferring to unhealthy attachments to peers, substances and self harming rituals.

Essentially you are in competition with your daughter’s deferred attachments – I am assuming mostly her peers. You must supplant yourself in the position of your daughter’s friends! Impose restrictions on her peer interactions like: extracurricular activities that take her away for long periods, taking golf lessons with you or, going on weekend trips with the family, take away her cell phone (say it’s too expensive), picking her up from school. Don’t give her a choice by asking her to do these things – tell her it’s the way it’s going to be. The trick is that while you are imposing restrictions you must also be cultivating opportunities for the two of you to re-connect/attach. However, don’t let her know this is what you are doing – it would only cause her to dig in her heels and fight harder to keep her relationships outside your family. If she is wondering why you are all of sudden so “involved” with her, tell her you have been missing her and want to spend time with her because she is that important to you. Focus on re-establishing a relationship with her and try not to get caught up in her behavior – because you will see a lot of behavior while you are getting her to transition back into the family fold and that could cause you to abandon ship. Stay the course, no matter how rocky it gets. You need to win this competition!

In every encounter you have with her, establish eye contact and smile; this will set the tone for your interaction. Obviously it will be in more subtle terms than when your daughter was a baby. During infancy you probably stuck your face right in to hers until the sight of her two eyes merged into one. (Remember those days of Eskimo and butterfly kisses – sigh!) So instead of getting in her face, try putting yourself in her space. Take an interest in what is important to her – clothes, friends, and activities and communicate that interest by allowing her to express herself to you. It may be tempting to judge and ridicule, but for now you need to try and get an invitation into her world. Once she feels unconditional acceptance (that doesn’t mean you have to agree or like everything she says or does; you just have to be willing to listen) she will feel it is safe for you to know her. Once you have re-established yourself with her, you will be able to parent within the context of that relationship and your influence will become more prominent and affect how she will makes decisions. I don’t think this is entirely lost on you: you were able to get her to replace the gages in her ears with standard diamond studs. This is good news – if things were too far gone she likely would have refused to do that, regardless of what you had to say about it.

Don’t let the sun come up or go down without having expressed your love to her through physical contact (a hug, a high five, a squeeze of the hand, a touch to the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a tussle of her hair). Saying “I love you” is important but “touch” grounds us to our connections.

Adolescence is a time for testing out independence and teenagers will do that by trying to push every limit and boundary a parent has set. Ironically, this age group thrives on structure and stability. So they need you to set limits and be in charge. They are not mature enough to go out into the world and not get lost to peer pressure and situations that are beyond their capabilities. This is a time where you begin to establish trust and teach a child how to live in the world with confidence and make decisions that are appropriate. You let your children go and be independent and depending on how they do, you let them go a little bit more each time. When they are not doing well with the independence they are given it is up to the parent to pull in the reigns and redirect and guide the child. When the child learns you are their road map to follow, they will want to stay close to you. Children don’t want to feel lost, and when they do they will attach to anything or anyone that promises a sense of direction.

When she escapes your interventions to take her away from her peers (and she will) you have to go and get her. I have a friend whose 15 year old son snuck out of the house and went to his girlfriends, where the parents were not home. When she discovered he was gone at 1am she drove there and knocked on the door. When he refused to come with her she sat in the driveway honking the horn until the neighbors began to complain and the son eventually got in her car. And it was a long time that she sat there making noise – but she never gave up and her efforts re-positioned herself as her sons’ main influence. It’s not always about consequences, sometimes we just have to demonstrate that we are “here” for them – no matter what they do! Consequences for misbehavior are important but right now your main goal is to reconnect with your daughter and lure her away from unhealthy choices. And believe me these kinds of things I am suggesting will feel like consequence enough to her! It won’t be necessary for you to impose any more.
I am a huge advocate of “the family that eats together stays together”. Insist on having family meals at the table, away from distractions and have thought provoking conversations. If talk doesn’t come easy use conversation starters: “Tell me about the best part of your day and the worst part of your day”; “If you could be anything on the planet, what would that be?” “Who is your hero, and why?” You learn a lot about each other during this kind of dialogue.

I wouldn’t rule out depression. If things persist past 6 months (perhaps they already have) you may want to have her assessed. The drastic drop in marks and withdrawal is concerning but that may be reactionary after being rejected by her crush – especially since she so obviously puts much stock in her peer relationships. There are other signs and symptoms of depression that you did not mention – not sleeping, or sleeping all the time, irritable mood, lack of appetite/weight loss, lack of interest in things she once enjoyed. It sounds more like teenage angst to me and a girl who is trying to find her identity within a group of peers; and yes, this is normal for this age.

His friends think I am a pretty cool mom, unfortunately my son no longer sees me in that fashion. The many parents that I have spoken to say this is just a phase and he will come back. If so, how much space do I allow him? Should I let him know that this hurts me?

Sincerely,

“Feeling Left Behind”

Answer:

Today’s answer is provided by Odelia Schlisser. Odelia Schlisser is a life coach with a Masters Degree in Sociology and a Masters Degree in Education, and is trained in Family Therapy. She currently lectures Psychology and Behavioral Science in Mercy College and has spent the past several years counseling children, teens, and their parents and teachers. She can be contacted for coaching at odeliaschlisser@theroadto.net

Dear “Feeling Left Behind”

I appreciate you openness and honesty regarding your feelings. Not everyone is able to do that, and I find it refreshing that you are so emotionally aware.

I have to say that I understand your hurt, but I am also glad that you recognize that this is an important part of his growing process. It’s wonderful that you are able to be firm and won’t tolerate disrespect. Too often parents in your shoes will let it slide in the hopes of remaining popular and cool in their kids and their friends eyes. It’s imperative that you remain the parent, and that your son understands that.

You do not mention a spouse or other children, so I don’t know whether you have any. Now would be a good time to invest in you, in your work, career, hobbies, or relationships. Your son is growing, evolving and developing. So should you.

When you ask how much space you should give him, I think the rule is as much as he requires as long as it’s safe and healthy activities and relationships that he is involved in.

I think it’s ok and even advisable to schedule some alone time with your son. Do something that he enjoys together. It’s alright to tell him that you want to do things together. It’s not ok to make him feel badly for growing up, and hanging out with his friends rather than his mom.

There is a parallel growth process for both of you. I congratulate you on recognizing and identifying your feelings, and I hope you take advantage of this opportunity.

Signed: Searching for answers…

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Searching”:

You are absolutely right about there being a fair amount of information available to parents of young children regarding ADHD and defiant behaviours and less resources for parents of older children with similar behaviours. The criteria for making a diagnosis of ADHD in the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Health Disorders, 4th edition) is based on observations made of boys 6 to 12 years of age. It stands to reason that most of the resources available to help manage this disorder are concentrated on that age group. However, we also know that 70-80% of those with childhood ADHD will continue to have symptoms into adolescence and 60% of those will carry it into adulthood. With that kind of prevalence there is more being done to address the needs of older kids and their parents.

About 40% of children with ADHD have co-morbid conditions such as Oppositional Defiant Disorder(ODD) – disrespect for authority, aggression, mouthiness, defiance; and if it goes unmanaged their impulsivity can push them into Conduct Disorder – stealing, fighting, setting fires, cruelty to animals etc. About 40-70% of children with ADHD will also have a learning disorder(LD) in either reading, writing or math.

So, there are a few things to consider before making any recommendations on how to manage your ADHD adolescent’s defiant behaviours. If these acts of disrespect and lack of interest in doing well are new behaviours – it could be a significant mood disorder (depression) and the adolescent should be assessed by a mental health professional. Secondly, I would highly recommend your adolescent have a psycho-educational assessment for an underlying learning disability (LD), especially if he has always struggled academically. As the child is getting older he may not be able to adequately compensate as the work load increases and the demands for learning reach far beyond his scope of capabilities. If a LD is present, the child may be well served by having certain accommodations and modifications made to his academic program which will go a long way in reducing the frustration he feels and curb resultant defiant behaviours. The third thing to question is substance abuse. People with ADHD are two fold at risk for using illicit drugs such as cannabis and cocaine – with the ADHD brain these drugs initially help the person to focus and feel calm – the long term negative effective is that they worsen defiant/aggressive behaviours.

If depression, LD and substance abuse have been ruled out , here are a list of some strategies you can try, accompanied by some additional recommended resources for you to explore:

* If the adolescent (adol) is being treated pharmacologically it is imperative he become an active participant in the medication regime and understand how the medications work to minimize the symptoms of ADHD. Compliance is an issue in this age group. Encourage your adol to take responsibility for his own medication. Once daily dosing improves compliance and they should be taking it as early in the morning as possible to help with motivation during the morning routine. Adols who are driving in the late evening should be on longer acting medications so the medication does not wear off while they are still behind the wheel – impulsivity and not being able to concentrate have been the cause of many accidents. If the adol is involved in his own treatment he feels more in control of himself and is more apt to monitor the effects, recognize the improvement and be motivated to comply with the treatment plan. When the symptoms of ADHD are managed, it is far easier for the adol to receive and accept behavioural interventions because it is not as difficult for him to follow directions, focus and stay on task. (As an aside: you may have decided not to go the medication route, I am not suggesting that you should. That should be an informed family decision – one that is made in consultation with a prescribing physician.)
* You need to provide as much structure to the adol’s environment as possible. Support routines, promote organization regarding time, space and activity – timers, alarms on watches or phones to give reminders, calendars to mark assignment dates, written guidelines of step by step approaches to projects. If homework is not done they do not move on to another activity ( i.e.:computer or TV) until the homework is completed – unplug the TV and take away the internet. Unfortunately, people with ADHD need a lot of reminders. Reminders need to be incorporated into their repertoire of coping mechanisms; so construct a system that makes reminding easy.
* Give appropriate and consistent limit setting with age-relevant consequences. Deliver the consequence as close to the misbehaviour as possible. Establish a written contract between you and the adol where consequences are spelled out for certain offences (i.e.:swearing, disobedience) so the adol knows what to expect, every time! This way the adol is not caught off guard when discipline is imposed and conflict may be minimized. Remember they act impulsively so it’s hard for them to understand cause and effect relationships. If it’s written down, they can’t as easily refute it.
* Set the adol up for success; involve the adol in activities he is good at and enjoys doing so that he builds his confidence and keeps him from getting bored and reacting impulsively.
* Advocate with the school, partner with the teachers and involve the adol in his academic plan and goals- modify his program so it meets his needs for how he learns (allow him to get up and walk around periodically, sit at the front of the class away from the window and distractions, lower florescent lighting, have one large binder where all subject notes are kept so as to reduce the amount of papers misplaced etc) and incorporate school consequences for non-compliance with school work and support them in and out of the school setting (i.e. detentions after school to get caught up, missing school field trips to sit in VP’s office to get caught up).
* Encourage appropriate social experiences with peers to increase positive interactions which will foster his interest in doing things and being with people in socially acceptable ways (i.e. sport teams, chess clubs, drama productions).
* Everyone in a household should have chores – it’s what makes a family function. Have a family meeting and have everyone pick their own chores. Impose consequences when chores are not completed and stick to them.
* create an atmosphere of mutual respect within the family- develop communications that are positive in nature, and refrain from yelling. And most importantly parent this adol with patience and understanding. ADHD is not a disorder anyone wishes to live with. Cultivate an enjoyable relationship between the two of you. Highlight your adol’s strengths and positive attributes. Spend time doing fun things together.

Remember, people with ADHD may take longer to integrate habits into their lives and change ingrained behaviours. To learn more check out the following websites: www.add.org www.chadd.org www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/guides

Answer by Dyan Eybergen, author of Out of the Mouths of Babes: Parenting from a Child’s Perspective. Dyan is a paediatric psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Dyan and her family were guests on the cable television show “For Kids Sake”, along with parenting expert Barbara Coloroso. Eybergen resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons.

Answer: Dear “Desperate for Change”,

I am so happy to hear that you are recognizing the “disconnect” between you and your daughter now, when she is 12 and did not wait until she was in the throes of her teens and entrenched in peer relationships before wanting to do something about it. It would be so much harder to re-establish yourself as her main influence when she is only interested in her friendships with peers.

I strongly encourage you to start “courting” your daughter. Plan events where you will have a lot of one on one time with her. It will force the two of you to address your relationship and start building on it. Go out for walks or take weekly drives in the country. Take an interest in something that you can do together on a frequent basis—gardening, take a painting or pottery class. Read in bed at night together. Create an environment of proximity.

Take the time to listen to her and allow her to be known by you. She may resist at first but present it in a way that she has no choice expect for maybe choosing the activity. A fabulous book I recommend you read is Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Hold on to Your Kids! He addresses the need for parents to consistently attach to their children, regardless of their age.

With respect to your interactions always being negative try the 80/20 rule. Interactions should be positive 80% of the time. The other 20% is reserved for corrective instruction. So the next time you have the urge to say something negative, turn it into something constructive or positive.

When was the last time that you saw modern-day movie where the hero or heroine was happy to be in an impoverished and uncomfortable state?

Advertisers play upon this unspoken rule by convincing us that pain need not be felt; there is always an extra-strength pill to pop which will eliminate the inconvenience of any kind of discomfort.

Food, entertainment, and the pursuit of wealth are some of the ‘drugs’ we may find ourselves using to avoid dealing with loneliness, stressed relationships, or other painful experiences.

Please don’t get me wrong. I am definitely a comfort fan as I sit here typing in my leather ergonomic office chair wearing sheepskin-lined clogs.

Yet, it behooves us to ask:

What are the long-term side effects of raising children in a comfort-obsessed culture?

On the surface, all that glitters is gold, and giving our children a pleasant and pain-free childhood may seem to be the ultimate goal while raising small souls.

However, it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize that growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth will make our son less equipped to deal with the reality of life.

The fact of the matter is that disappointments happen. Wealth can insulate people against certain misfortunes, but the nature of life is such that nobody gets an easy ride all the way from cradle to grave.

Everybody gets rejected at some point- either by a college, girlfriend, potential boss, or a myriad of other institutions.

Although we’d like to, we know that it is impossible to shield our children from rejection forever. And from illnesses, stressful relationships, and broken heating systems during an ice storm at midnight of a weekend holiday when all the plumbers in town are away. (Yes, that was me last December- and it taught me a valuable, though freezing, lesson!)

We want the best for our children. A simple calculation will reveal that ‘the best’ does not mean providing endless comfort and pleasure for our offspring. Rather, ‘the best’ will be fortifying our children with the mental fortitude to effectively handle the ups- as well as the downs- of life.

There is no denying that it is extremely challenging to say “no” to our children. Perhaps we are attempting to compensate for our own childhood, where “no” was doled out with too much frequency. Or, we have the means and the time to give our child the coveted item of the fifth grade for this week. Witness any harried parent at the candy-laden checkout counter with a child in the front of her shopping cart. Saying “no” can be downright embarrassing!

Yet, we are all familiar with adults who are self-centered and narcissistic- they are the ones who blow up in a volcanic eruption each time things don’t quite go their way. Perhaps you had a boss or neighbor who radiated tension when uncontrollable things (think: the weather) went awry. That is certainly not the kind of person we want our child to become!

So, the next time your child says, “Everyone else is going there…” or, “I really neeeeeeed this thing!!!” – think about it just once more.

The timing may be right to give your daughter a gift or to treat your son to something special.

Or the timing may not be quire right.

You be the judge.

Happy parenting- where there are no cut-and-dry-rules!

Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.

Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!

For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.

Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.

My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!

We Are More Than Beautiful

46 Real Teens Speak Out about Beauty, Happiness, Love and Life

by Woody Winfree

The new book, We Are More Than Beautiful for teen girls is the latest addition to the work of the I Am Beautiful Project, an initiative committed to producing creative and educational works that encourage personal growth and discovery for women and girls of all ages.

Author, Woody Winfree says the project’s mission is simple: to create a world in which every woman and girl can proudly proclaim, “I AM BEAUTIFUL!”

What is the I Am Beautiful Project all about? It is about changing the definition of beauty in our culture – one girl at a time, one woman at a time. Quite dramatically, the mass media has chipped away at our sense of beauty and well-being by presenting a singular, narrow and distorted image of female beauty: super-thin bodies, topped by large, perky breasts, with flawless youthful faces surrounded by shiny bouncy hair –and of course, sparkly white, perfectly straight teeth! This suggestion of beauty is not only wrong, it is a LIE. In truth, only three percent of the U.S. female population has the genetic makeup to look like this ideal. That means 97% of us are spending billions of dollars, untold hours of our lives and huge amounts of happiness in an attempt to pursue this distorted ideal.

In sum, the I Am Beautiful Project is about books and films, and workshops and seminars — and anything else I might think to create along the way – that help guide women and girls to change their perspective about the definition of beauty. Beauty is NOT the size of our waists, or the cascade of our hair. Rather, beauty is the sum of our talents, accomplishments, intellect, contribution to our families and communities, and every other measure of living a life that deeply matters.

Where did the idea of this project come from? With the creation of my first book for women, I Am Beautiful – A Celebration of Women, the hope was to give our daughters – mine and yours and every other American girl — a tangible work that they could hold onto. To expose them to images of women that are as real, interesting, diverse and beautiful as real women are. The success of this first book (that is now available in a gift edition), naturally led to creating a book just for girls: We Are More Than Beautiful.

The seed for this work, however, was planted some years before book ideas ever came into my head. When my now 23-year-old daughter was five someone asked me if she could model for a photo-shoot for a leather goods product ad. I thought this would be a fun experience, so off we went. At the time we were living in rural Connecticut. My daughter was a frog-chasing, tree-climbing nature girl almost completely free from the mass media – billboards, magazines, TV, etc. But the second the photographer bent down to take a few test shots, my little nature-girl struck a provocative pose of hip out, lips pouting and a come-hither stance, while her dumb-struck mother looked on! Where could she possibly have learned to do this? Why did she think that this is the natural relationship that a woman has with the camera? I came to believe that her weekly journey through the gauntlet of fashion magazines on the grocery check-out aisle is where she learned this “un-truth.”

Tell me about the new teen book. Who is in it? Where are they from? What stories do they tell – and how is this important to other girls who read the book? The girls in the book are ages 12 to 19, from all walks of American life, facing and exploring all types of issues with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Each girl responded to my query – “Tell me why you are beautiful.” At once, every story is unique to the individual girl’s experience, but universal to the experience of American girls everywhere. Each girl is presented with her picture in an artistically graphic and colorful layout over two pages. This presentation is, not only contemporary and exciting to girls raised in the most visually stimulating culture ever but, affords the reader to enter fully into each girls’ “world” and experience her journey of claiming her beauty.

Bottom line, experiencing other girls’ stories is important because it supports, helps and guides the reader to learn how to ask and answer that question for herself. The book creates a classical “peer” environment for sharing information, even trading secrets in a safe, supportive way. It also teaches girls to learn that they have a “right” to their sense of beauty and how to formulate conversations with their own friends on the subject.

Can the book be used by mothers with their daughters? Absolutely! My hope is that mothers and daughters will read it together and use its stories as a springboard for ongoing conversations. Conversations about:

Proof positive of this is seen in my own two daughters. Because I have been working on projects related to this subject for more than 10 years, my daughters have been raised on a nutritious and bountiful “diet” of ways to define their beauty. Like any belief or idea that one is exposed to, affirmative ideas of who they are have shaped how they see themselves. Further, 1,000 “teaching moments” over dinner conversation or watching TV or looking at magazines, have raised their awareness of how and why the media diminishes women. And, knowledge is power. Oh sure, they have “bad hair” days and times when they are knocked off their stride – just like we all do. But at their core, they have a deeper sense of self and an expansive measure of their worth to draw on. This is the gift I work to share – one girl at a time, one woman at a time.

Why do you believe that naming our beauty is so essential? When we give “voice” to anything, ascribe literal words to a thought or idea, a major shift begins to take place. It might be ever so subtle in the beginning, but in time the act evolves into a concrete declaration of fact. I also believe that we deserve to know and feel our beauty. I believe it is our right, our spiritual right. Can we reach our full potential in this one precious life we have been honored with if we are chasing an artificial ideal of our self-worth? This is the ultimate question that we must ask ourselves – and guide our young daughters looking up to us to do the same.

What else are you up to with the I Am Beautiful Project? I speak frequently to various audiences of women and girls on this subject. From colleges and universities around the country to high schools, at companies and more. These seminars and workshops are designed to dig deeper into the issues we have explored in this interview. These events are listed on my website: www.iambeautiful.com

If you’d look under the children’s beds or in the playrooms of most houses, you might think there is no way to get your kids organized. Stuffed animals have a way of multiplying and covering beds and dressers, game and jigsaw puzzle pieces somehow never make it all back into the box, there’s always a treasured Lego or K’Nex creation that just can’t be cleaned up after all the hard work it took to make it. A multitude of papers come home from school each week. There are also brochures from favorite museums, special photographs, and little treasures like special pens, old coins, pencil toppers, etc., that have a way of filling up drawers.

If you’re like most parents you’d like to find a way to control the clutter, maintain order with the toys, and get your children more involved in the process. There are several easy steps that parents can take to help children become skilled at keeping organized.

Before I tell you how to get organized, I’d like to tell you why it’s important. My children attend a Montessori nursery school. The head teacher shared with me some important reasons to teach children to organize their possessions. If you’ve ever seen a Montessori classroom, it’s full of interesting and delightful activities for children, each stored independently in its own container or on a tray. Presenting the materials in that way helps children develop strong focus and concentration skills. Each container or tray contains one discrete activity that a child can explore and master. When the child is finished using that activity, or wants to do something else, he puts it away and takes out another.

I believe this is a wonderful approach for a playroom or any area where you store children’s activities. We don’t just give children their toys or activities to keep them entertained while we make dinner. Their puzzles, pretend-play toys, coloring books and markers also teach educational skills like counting or spatial relations and even help children to develop motor skills. By encouraging children to use one activity at a time, we hope they’ll learn to master that activity, learn the needed skills and move onto harder puzzles or coloring more elaborate pictures.

This is not to say that children can’t build a nice Lego garage and then bring over all their trucks to park inside. I think that’s wonderful – those are two activities that go nicely together. We just want to organize our play areas in such a way that it encourages a child to follow through on an activity to completion, thereby gaining the skills it imparts.

Another wonderful aspect to Montessori organization is the emphasis on low key décor. The walls are not lined with overwhelming posters, letter charts, pictures of the months, and different colored bulletin boards. Instead, there are some of the children’s artworks, posted at eye level. Shelving is all at the child’s height, made of natural materials and generally in light color. The activities on the shelves really draw children’s attention instead of a distracting décor on the walls. This provides a calm environment to play and learn. Evaluate your playroom to see if you can replace loud, colorful artwork with more natural décor creating a more serene environment where your children can play.

I’d like to share some tips with you on how you can get started organizing with your children. Using the Montessori approach, and some ideas of my own, I’ve provided several tips below broken out for different age groups. To get started, begin with the steps for the age 3-5 group. These are the fundamental steps for the organizational methods I’m recommending. Once you’ve implemented the age 3-5 steps and your household has integrated them, you can go onto the next steps more easily.

Start slow and make it fun and you’ll have greater chances for success!

1. Create the environment.

Once you decide to get your kids started organizing their stuff, your first step will be to set up an organizational system and teach them how to maintain it. De-cluttering is key to making the organizational system work. Once you do it, your children’s playroom and bedrooms will be more serene and livable. To get started, choose items you will get rid of or put in storage, and which items you will keep available. Be sure to rotate your children’s toys in and out of a storage area every few months. When the newly rotated toys or puzzles appear on their shelves, it’s almost as exciting as getting new toys. Be sure to store or give away toys that your children have totally outgrown.

You’ll need to buy the organizational supplies the children will need in to keep their space tidy. Set up child-sized shelving, or even use the bottom shelves of your living room bookcases where your children’s toys will be kept. Be sure your children have a special drawer in a desk or dresser in which to keep all their small odds and ends. In-drawer organizers will help them keep those items orderly.

For children ages 3-5: Put toys that are loose (cars, doll house toys, kitchen toys, etc.) each into their own storage container. Each container should be stored on the toy shelving area you’ve created. Toys with lots of pieces can sometimes be hard for little ones to clean up themselves (Legos, Lincoln Logs). Keep these items on higher shelves so only a parent can take them down for the children to use. This should prevent a messy toy from being dumped out just before leaving for school, or some other occasion when there isn’t much time to clean up.

For children ages 6-8: These children may have lots of collections (coin, sticker, model air plane) school projects and reports, and other odds and ends they want to save. Help them organize their collections into plastic sheet protectors in loose leaf notebooks, artwork should go into an art portfolio stored on a bookshelf or desk drawer, model airplanes can go on higher up shelving in the bedroom or playroom.

For children ages 10 and up: Kids in this age group may also have a lot of papers and documents to store. Desktop and drawer organizers are essential. A file cabinet may even be in order if your child really likes to save his reports and certificates of achievement. Bookshelves for long chapter books, photo albums and school text books will also be important.

2. Set Rules.

Many families allow no more than one toy out at a time. This is mostly to ensure parents don’t face a clean-up nightmare and makes it manageable for children to be responsible for the own mess. Just as in a Montessori class, you will help your children maintain playroom organization by insisting that the first activity must be cleaned up before another activity can be taken out. Set a regular cleanup period required before coming to the next activity, say eating dinner or starting homework. If dinner time is always at 6:00, then cleanup starts at 5:45 each day. Stick to this rule and your children will eventually anticipate the clean up period. They will come to learn that 5:40 is not a smart time to start a major art project or 200 piece puzzle.

Ages 3-5: How many times have you seen your preschoolers halfway finish a puzzle, then build a house out of blocks, and then get caught up coloring before they ever even finished using or cleaning up any of those activities? The one-toy-at-a-time rule will help children gain a bit of focus and concentration by completing one activity before being distracted by another.

Ages 6-8: Sometimes children this age work for hours on one special creation, say an Erector Set robot or massive Lego spaceship. It’s emotionally hard to clean up something that took so much time and effort to build. Create a space where one extra-special creation can be stored. If a child wants to make or save another amazing creation, then the first one must be dismantled and put away before starting another.

Ages 10 and up: Older children may have more elaborate activities: quilting or sewing, building models, scrapbooking, etc. Give them a large storage bin to keep materials, and works-in-progress, so they don’t have to stay out on the dining room table until a weeks-long school or hobby project is completed.

3. A place for everything and everything in its place.

As you and your children create storage areas for your toys and activities, be sure you stick to your plan. You may want to agree that the doll house toys should always be stored in your daughter’s room, with the doll house, unless you and she agree otherwise. Markers, crayons, glue and scissors are always be stored where the children do their art projects. Whatever you decide, stick with it. Consolidate these items from the playroom, children’s desks, and kitchen drawers and keep them in the location you allow the children to color. All materials should be put away exactly where they’re kept so ready to use on the next occasion.

Ages 3-5: Teach these little ones to put their toys, books and shoes, for example, in the same spot every day. If you invoke this rule now, you will have more success applying it when children are old enough and have more things for which to be responsible. Show them a spot in the closet or mud-room where shoes are always kept. Make sure books are always returned back to the proper shelf.

Ages 6-8: These children can put away their clean laundry in the proper drawers and closet spaces, put away their back-pack and coat after school, put dirty laundry in a hamper each day, and hang up their bath towels after a shower. If you see something out of order, it will be easy for a child to fix because he knows where everything goes.

Ages 10 and up: Sometimes a lack of responsibility manifests during these preteen, ‘tween and teen years. If a child has a place to put her house keys, iPod or graphing calculator each day, there is less chance that these items will get lost.

4. Organizational accessories

Containers and storage accessories are critical to managing clutter. From adorable woven baskets to stacking, plastic lidded containers, these items will help children keep their toys and personal items together. If you will need a lot of storage containers then I would opt for rectangular, lidded one that can stack one on top of another. A decorative bulletin board is in the bedroom is a great place for children to keep special photos, ticket stubs from professional sports games, cute pins, a favorite sketch and more.

Ages 3-5: Get some containers this age children can open and close themselves, and some that only parents are nimble enough to open. You’ll want different size containers: small for markers and scissors and larger ones to fit large sets: toy dishes, blocks, train set, etc. You may want to tape a photograph of each toy on the side of its container so your kids will remember where the toy goes when they’re finished.

Ages 6-8: At this age range children are often learning to organize their time and keep track of activities and responsibilities. A wall chart or large desk-top calendar is a great way to help children remember when they need to complete chores (garbage is taken out on Tuesday nights) and assignments (book report due on the Monday the 12^th), and upcoming events (Dina’s birthday party on Sunday at 11:30). You can also use the calendar to teach your children to plan their time. For example, if your son’s book report is due on Monday the 12^th, then teach him to mark on his calendar to finish reading the book by Wednesday the 7^th, allowing ample time to write, illustrate, and edit his report. He’ll learn important skills to prevent him from becoming a “crammer” and last-minute worker as he gets older.

Ages 10 plus: Children in this age group often have a many different activities and responsibilities to keep track of: multiple school assignments, study groups, baby-sitting, sports practice, lawn-mowing jobs and more. Explore together with your child to find the electronic organizer or paper-based calendar system (Day-timer, for example) that will help her be most successful at keeping track of assignments and activities. They are also old enough to maintain their own phone and address books.

5. Motivational charts and rewards.

It’s important to give positive reinforcement to keep your new household organizational system going! Children thrive on their parents’ approval, so be sure to show them how proud you are of their efforts to keep organized and follow the new organizational rules you’ve set up. Hopefully after just a month or two the new system will be integrated into your home routine and you won’t have to continue with the motivational charts anymore.

Ages 3-5: Just give a big smile with a hug and kiss or even a little cookie as a reward. If your daughter needs even more motivation, make a sticker chart for her. Each time she puts something back where it belongs (even if you remind her once or twice) give her a sticker on a chart. When she finishes each line on the chart, give her a small reward, like a sheet of stickers, a super bouncy ball or a magnet. When she finishes the whole chart, give her a bigger reward, like a new pack of markers or a pretty new hair band.

Ages 6-8: This is really the ideal age for sticker charts. You might need bigger prizes for rewards. Give your son a deck of playing cards or a matchbox car for each line he finishes, and a special trip just with Mom or Dad, out for ice cream or a pizza lunch when he finishes the whole chart.

Ages 10 plus: As kids get bigger, so do their reward expectations. A sticker chart might be too babyish for children in this age range, but you can still reward them for sticking with your new organizational program. Add an extra two or three dollars to their weekly allowance for keeping their room and possessions organized. Commend your daughter for a job well done and buy her a special CD or pair of earrings for consistently maintaining her possessions in the organizational system you created.

As you begin implementing organizational improvements with your children, remember to that it’s important to start small. You can’t make all the above changes at once. Pick the area where your daughter is struggling most and start there. Is she late turning in schoolwork? So start by helping her organize her time. Once she’s mastered some time management techniques, you can work on organizing her desk and personal possessions.

Also, be sure to set the example. You have to practice what you preach. If your kitchen counters and bookshelves are cluttered and disorganized, then your children probably won’t be convinced of the importance of being organized. Take the opportunity to make a family project out of becoming more organized. Make a yard sale out of all old toys, furniture, electronic and other the clutter you’re ridding yourselves of. (When I first heard my own four-year-old daughter say to me, “Mommy did you sell that toy?” I felt a little guilty at first. Now I know that I’m actually teaching her great skills and showing her that we need not be too attached to all things only to those that are most important.) Go out for a fun family outing with the proceeds you make.

Happy Organizing!

By: Rivka Slatkin

Rivka Slatkin is the founder of the DECORganize method, combining organizing and decorating for those want to get organized and stay that way! For more information on how the DECORganize method can assist you, go to www.jewishlifeorganized.com

My good friend Sarah recently repeated this conversation to us, and we laughed until we could laugh no longer.

“Hi, how are you?” the next-door-neighbor asked Sarah.

“I’m dying, thank you,” Sarah replied in an even tone of voice.

“Great!” the neighbor responded heartily. “Do you want to come with me to the one-day-sale downtown?”

It’s a sad fact of modern living. I call it the lost art of listening. We have more ability to communicate than prior generations could have ever imagined. Yet we have less communication than ever.

I remember seeing my grandfather marvel at the awesome power of the fax machine about two decades ago. “He puts the paper inside of it in California, and it comes out here in New York!?” He exclaimed incredulously. Can you imagine what he would have thought of my cell phone with caller-ID, instant messaging, and pod casting?

The vast array of technological means of contacting others, regardless of their location, is absolutely incredible. One would imagine that relationships are strengthened, and more close friends are gained. However, the alarming statistics of divorce, low self-esteem, and loneliness tell another story. How is it possible, that in the twenty-first century, the art of communication is at an all-time low?

Perhaps the many facets that are available to us impede our level of focus. After all, how easy is it to have a conversation with your spouse while simultaneously answering the phone and responding to an instant message? In addition, the doorbell is ringing, incoming emails are beeping, and the TV is broadcasting!

Simply reading those sentences is sufficient to send my head spinning!

When the opportune time presents itself for a conversation, what are you doing? Do you have a habit of impatiently waiting for your child to finish his thoughts, so that you can add your words of wisdom? Perhaps you are looking at your watch in anticipation of the next appointment, catching up on your emails, and checking the list of missed calls on your cell phone.

The only constant within the field of communication is that it always takes two to tango. People will respond to the tone of your voice and the pace of your conversation by matching your manner of speech. Have you ever spoken with someone who has laryngitis, and noticed that you are whispering? We respond in kind to the way in which we are spoken.

As a result, when you change your method of communicating, the people with whom you relate will start to change their method of communication. Imagine if you became a better listener today, and several months down the road you influenced ten people to improve their listening techniques, who then proceeded to influence an additional ten people each…

(Once again, my head is spinning!)

We can resurrect the lost art of listening, and change the face of global communication today. Begin by listening with all your senses to your partner’s and children’s words. Imagine the scene he is describing and picture yourself in the situation he is outlining. Take the energy to put yourself in his shoes, and feel the emotions that he is expressing.

Then, take a moment to pause and reflect.

Are the words that jumped into your mind the response he would appreciate hearing, or the habitual response that you would appreciate saying?

If a personal thought such as, “I must pick up the suit at the cleaners before 7:00.” keeps popping to forefront of your mind, take a pen and write it down. This technique is known as ‘brain-dumping’ and that will free your mind to concentrate on the subject at hand with total focus.

Rest assured, that after practicing the above techniques several times, they become second nature. Choose a time, perhaps the time your spouse returns home from work, to practice daily, and tape the above paragraphs to your bathroom mirror. Your rewards will be richly deserved and soon in arriving: The next time you have a subject of importance to talk about, you will be conversing with an empathetic, understanding, and listening ear.

{Order reprint rights for this article here – #1044}

Sometimes I get so mad at my kids! Yesterday, we were getting ready for a family reunion that our family will be hosting next week. My thirteen-year-old daughter suggested that we create place cards and matching centerpieces for the party. Although this will be an informal affair held in our backyard and I felt the cards to be unnecessary, I could see that this was important to her, so I told her that this was a fantastic idea and drove her to the craft store to purchase supplies.

Then my sixteen-year-old son informed her that the decorations and place cards were a “dumb idea”. It infuriates me when he teases his sister, and I calmly told him that if he has nothing nice to say he should not say anything at all.

Naturally, my daughter was insulted; and she then proceeded to throw all the colored papers, pipe-cleaners, ribbons, and the rest of the craft supplies around the living room and stomp upstairs in a huff.

Then I lost it… after all, I had just been defending my daughter and she made my living room’s atmosphere into a physical and emotional mess! I started screaming at both of my children, which quickly escalated into a major shouting match.

My daughter said that she hates her family and will not attend the party. My son complained that nobody cares about him or ever asks for his opinion about how things should be.

This is when my husband entered the house, and he looked at me with a mixture of disappointment and anger and asked me what on earth was going on.

I just want to scream! And this is not a lone incident in my family… what should I do? Please help!

From,

Ready-to-Scream

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ready to Scream,

First of all, please prepare a cup of your favorite coffee or tea, turn on a CD of soothing music, and make yourself comfortable on the couch.

Now, let’s backtrack a bit, and see what precisely went wrong.

The fist problem was that your son made an offensive comment to your daughter.

You sympathized with your daughter and thus reprehended your son, which, in retrospect, did not fix anything. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that criticizing the insulter does not ease anyone’s pain.

What could have been done differently?

Your children are mature enough to handle their own communications without your intervention. If you hadn’t gotten involved, your daughter may have told her brother to mind his own business and that perhaps that would have been the end of it.

If your daughter had good communication skills, she could have told him that she did appreciation being spoken to in that manner.

If she had advanced communication skills, she could have sandwiched her critique between two positive comments, such as; “Thank you for sharing your opinion. I’d like it if you’d speak to me in a nicer manner, but I want to know why you think the decorations are a stupid idea.”

Where would your daughter have learned such excellent communication skills? From you! If you had intervened in their youth using the sandwich method of good news, bad news, good news, then they would have grown up knowing how to do it.

Assuming that you did not model a helpful method of rebuke, don’t worry, it’s never too late.

In place of a helpful criticism, however, you gave a hurtful retort to your son. The lesson that can be gleaned here is that we handle criticism with criticism. Thus, it is not a surprise that your daughter reacted by escalating the anger and resentment. Obviously, that is not a lesson you want to consciously impart to your children.

Let’s examine some ways to express negative emotions in a healthy and safe way.

Your children are going to learn how to communicate effectively by being taught by your words and actions. When you model how to handle disappointment and anger in a calm and healthy manner, your children will learn these essential life skills.

Although your husband entered the scene at the end of the situation, he appears to be contributing to the negative style of communication by reacting with anger rather than offering support and empathy.

When you are able to handle disrespect with respect, and insults with calmness, your children will be influenced to communicate in an effective and positive manner.

What would have been a good reaction to your son’s nasty “that’s a stupid idea?”

In a calm and collected ton, you could have responded, “Oh, is there something that is bothering you about your sister’s party decorations?” By demonstrating interest in his point of view, you have the upper hand to then offer constructive criticism such as, “What would be a more effective way to tell your sister how you feel about the place cards?”

If you are ever unsure how to respond in the heat of the moment, simply think about the sandwich method- you can’t go too wrong using it! Good comment, bad comment, and another good comment.

Good luck! (We all need it!)

Let’s examine the power of human touch regarding children and the accompanying effects that can result from insufficient physical contact.

Recent research in neuroscience has shown that loving touch is not an optional aspect of childrearing; it is essential for child development, and a lack of touch damages not only individuals, but our whole society. Loving touch releases the hormones oxytocin and dopamine, while infants who have not been touched have an increase in their levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

Electrical stimulation in laboratories demonstrates that pleasurable behavior and violent behavior are mutually exclusive. Like a light switch that can be either “on” or “off”- the human body can only handle one sensation- be it pleasure or violence- in a single moment. The results of the study testify that the more pleasurable feelings a human being experiences, the less likely violent urges are to surface.

Newborn animals that were placed in isolation invariably developed aggressive and self-destructive behaviors. Perhaps an increase in affectionate physical contact would move society towards world peace more effectively than political negotiations?!

For various reasons, Western society has become a “touch-hungry” culture where fear of lawsuits and social norms restrict tender touch outside of intimate relationships. There is an endless supply of “cradles” for our babies- bouncy seats, swings, and exersaucers- which all serve the purpose of freeing Mom or Dad’s hands to be busy with something other than holding and cuddling Baby.

Touch is a universal language that transcends verbal ability in communication. A squeeze of a hand, the pat on the back, or a gentle embrace, convey a primal message of comfort and tenderness.

A reassuring hug is the natural reaction towards the child who is upset or frustrated. Yet, what about those busy days where things go smoothly? Does the child lose out, in a certain respect, when she behaves well all day and does not receive that comforting embrace?

It is essential to incorporate non-responsive touch into our children’s day in order to provide the emotional and neurological benefits of touch. Try stroking your son’s hair while you do schoolwork together or rubbing your daughter’s back as he settles down to bed. These actions come more naturally when children are toddler or preschool age, as they grow older more of an effort needs to be made to remember to continue physical closeness.

Reading a story or watching a movie together is a beneficial time to put your arm around your child- even if she is a teenager! As children age, many will resist touch as they struggle to become independent. Don’t feel offended or insulted if your child is in that stage- rest assured that it is totally normal! Without any fanfare or comments, continue to brush his shoulder as you fix his color, or pat her back as you smooth her hair. Nobody is too old for demonstrative love, even if many a thirteen-year-old thinks so!

Infant massage is a wonderful manner of incorporating loving touch in a baby’s early years of development. There are many books and DVD‘s available that demonstrate effective techniques.

If you live with a partner, take the time and energy to make sure that you fulfill one another’s need for touch on a regular basis, or schedule a massage with a professional.

Our modern lifestyle includes phone conversations, text messages, and emails, which all serve to make us more “in touch” with each other- while the physical distance between us limits actually being “in touch”.

My son appreciates a back rub as he recounts the sports he played during recess at bedtime, even though he often resists hugs during the day. Discover the timing and methods of loving touch that work for your family and share your tips below!

Most of the time we blame the media for manipulating our choices, while other times we hold our family and friends responsible. And then there are times when it is the popularity of a certain toy or doll that may affect our judgment calls as parents. Remember the once popular, adorable and charming doll, My Buddy? Little boys everywhere were begging for “a buddy” and the term “my buddy” seemed to have left an indelible impression on a large majority of the American parent body.

Many of us outgrew our use for what had become old-fashioned terms of endearment between parents and children. Expressions like, “dear boy”, “sweet child” or “little one” appeared to have lost their effectiveness in communicating the message of love between parent and child. Maybe the younger generation of parents were too cool or too hip to use such stuffy language or maybe the phrase “My Buddy and Me”, intended to convey a kinship between a child and his doll, hit a mark that would change the face of parenthood forever.

In reality, are our offspring really our friends? Did we live our own lives, go through our own school years and form our own social circles to become in our thirties and forties, or even our fifties, buddies with our five and six year olds? Let’s delve into this question a little further by asking ourselves two more questions. Firstly, what are the results (or repercussions) of forging a friendship with our child as opposed to creating a positive parent -child relationship? Secondly, what does the title of parent compel us to be, a friend or a role model?

When our children are young and we very much matter in their lives, we seem to crave and desire this idea that one day they’ll be our best friends. Whether this is a new societal trend or a fulfillment of some insecurity within us, or both, we begin to form friendships rather than relationships by using phrases like “hey, buddy” or “great job, Pal”. In essence, what we really are doing is relaying a message to our son (or daughter) that he is included in our social circle. We may scoff at this notion now but as our children grow up and they hear about our “poker pals” and our “drinking buddies” can they differentiate themselves from Dads (or Moms) real friends if they too are Dad’s buddies?

What happens to the boundaries that are supposed to exist between parents and their children? We expect our children to be disciplined and learn to respect and honor us, yet we dub them buddies and pals. We know all too well as adults, that candor and casualness between friends is normal if not sought after. We don’t want our friendships to be stiff and formal so we use adult jokes, language and innuendos to make it fun. When we call our kids buddies, we are in effect inviting them into a world that lacks restrictions and formality. We cannot possibly expect them to talk and act respectfully toward us unless we have clearly established that there are boundaries between us and them. Creating positive, loving and long- lasting relationships with our children begins with how we talk to them and how we teach them to talk to us. How they perceive us is how they will react to us.

So are we as parents meant to capture our children’s hearts by being their buddies, pals, friends etc. or do we have a higher, more powerful calling?

We tend to spend a lot of our time trying to please our children. “Hey, Buddy, did you have a good time?” “Are you having fun, Pal?” By constantly asking such questions, we are not only undermining our authority over our kids but we are actually begging them to like us. As much as we hope that our kids love us in return for the unconditional love we shower upon them, our children do not have to like us. Our real friends and buddies have to like us but our children do not.

We were not given our role as parents to be our children’s friends. We as their parents have the responsibility of helping them grow up to be well-functioning and productive people in society. We are supposed to be role models who teach them how to communicate with others and how to build healthy relationships with those around them. To do so requires love, discipline, fortitude and authority.

Our children may “hate” us in the process but if our true goal is to raise healthy minded individuals who are capable of loving and giving back, then they will not only love and respect us but one day they will thank us for being their parent and not their “buddy”.

By: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.

The Question

Our primary job as parents is to keep our children safe. Are we permitted to “snoop” on them in order to protect them from harm? Should we read their diaries, listen to their phone conversations, and check their email log?

The Court Case

Before you answer the question, be aware of your legal rights. The State Supreme Court of Washington, as described in the Seattle Times, unanimously reversed a 2000 robbery conviction in a case that was based in part on the testimony of a mother and what she heard in a telephone conversation between her daughter and her daughter’s friend.

The mother, Carmen Dixon, reportedly heard the friend discuss the robbery and even took notes of the conversation as she listened to it. By reversing the conviction, the Supreme Court is saying that it’s a crime to eavesdrop on anybody’s private conversation, including that of children. Although the attorneys cited provisions in the federal wiretap law that allow parents to listen to their children’s conversations, in Washington State there is “no such parental exception and no Washington court has ever implied such an exception,” according to the court opinion.

Will we get into trouble for performing our parental duty? Are there limits to our parental prerogative?

The Debate

My son, Tommy, doesn’t talk to me. If I ask him about school he says “It’s fine,” even though I don’t see him doing any work and his teachers report that he’s not handing in his assignments. He’s very irritable and is constantly fighting with his siblings. Lately, he spends almost all of his time in his room, listening to music or on the phone. He doesn’t respond if I ask him about his friends, where they’re going, or when they’ll be back. I’m happy that he still comes home at night.

Parents are in agony when left in the dark about a child’s activities. Who knows what he is doing! Is he involved with the “wrong” type of peer group? Is he hurting himself by engaging in behavior that is dangerous, either physically or emotionally, or illegal? What is a parent to do?

On the one hand, maybe we should just control our anxious thoughts and feelings. After all, we parents recognize our teenagers’ desire for privacy. They need time to be alone, space for their possessions, and the knowledge that we won’t pry into their lives. We want to have a relationship of trust and respect with them. We also want them to become increasingly independent so that they may be prepared for adulthood. If we control their lives too much we might impair their decision-making ability and hinder them from attaining the self-confidence to make the important decisions that lie ahead.

On the other hand, are we being naïve and foolish if we don’t snoop on our children?

To determine what to do, let’s examine what we mean by snooping. To snoop, according to the dictionary, is “to pry into other people’s business or affairs, especially in a furtive way.” Thus you are snooping when you monitor your children’s activities without their knowledge or expectations. That secretive activity implies that you don’t trust your child.

When There is Trouble

Are you indeed worried about your child? Do you have just cause for concern or are you overreacting to behavior that is normal for your child’s age?

My daughter, Mimi, likes to talk. She’s on the phone for hours every night. She’s even willing to pay for her own phone line. She won’t let me hear a word of her conversation. She goes to sleep way after I do. She runs to shop with her friends and hardly spends any time with the family. She’s very talkative around her peers and is nice to her siblings, but she barely talks to me. Although her teachers report that she participates in class, she’s quiet and withdrawn at the dinner table.

It is often difficult to discern whether the behaviors that we see are problematic. What are the possible causes for concern? They include any change in a child’s behavior, school grades, hygiene, friends or sleeping and eating habits. We’re not talking about Mimi’s self-centeredness or her late hours. These behaviors are typical of teenagers. But Tommy’s late hours combined with his recent irritability, withdrawal and poor performance may indeed be a red flag for trouble.

If you suspect that something serious may be happening then, most experts agree, it’s ok to snoop. Search Tommy’s room for any clue that indicates that he is leading a secret life. You are doing so out of fear for his safety, not because you are a nosy, controlling parent.

If upon investigation you do find something inappropriate, it’s time to consult with a professional as to the best course of action. You will also need to confront Tommy directly about it. But plan your conversation carefully. Make sure that you control your emotions and convey your worry, not your anger. Have an agenda in mind of what you want to say. State (1) why you were concerned; (2) what you found; and (3) what you will do about it.

Above all, show that you care about Tommy and that you want to protect him. Emphasize that his freedom from intrusion is a privilege, not a right. As long as everything seems okay – which you will ascertain by continued monitoring of his behavior – then you will not need to investigate further. On the other hand, if you feel concerned, you will do whatever is necessary to find out what is going on.

Recommendations

The best strategy is to be proactive. Get to know your children’s interests and friends, as well as their friends’ parents. Convey your interest by being available to your children; for example, by driving them places and sitting down to dinner with them. Learn to listen nonjudgmentally, and try to listen more than you speak. In this way, you communicate that you value their opinions and can accept a point of view that is different from your own.

Discuss with your child what is private and what is not. Go over your rules and expectations. In addition, clearly state that you will occasionally drop in on their cell phone log and be in touch with their teachers.

Many parents keep the children’s computer in a common room, not a child’s bedroom. This strategy facilitates hands-on supervision of their computer usage. These days it is fairly easy to check out how they use the computer, and don’t hesitate to do so. You might also want to prohibit chat rooms and IMing (Instant Messaging), and to generally limit the amount of online usage.

Go into your teenager’s room periodically – being careful not to trip over anything on the floor – and look around. You may see something that is left around by accident. Then don’t get into a battle about cleanliness. We’re discussing far more important values than a spotless room.

However, there is a very important caveat: Remember not to over-control and over-manage your child. You want all of your children to be able to manage their own lives, and the pre-adolescent and adolescent years are the training ground for doing so.

Instead, keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes they will close down (teenagers are notoriously moody and private) but you will be there to observe, question and intervene.

Finally, seek professional help if you notice an unhealthy pattern of teenage behavior and you feel helpless or uncertain what to do. Taking action now could prevent much more serious problems later.

By: Mona R. Spiegel, Ph.D.
“My Family Coach”

Dr. Mona Spiegel is a Licensed Psychologist with a private practice in Rockland County, NY.   She is also a Professional Coach who provides telephone sessions to women who do not need therapy but seek guidance concerning themselves or their families.  She focuses on parenting issues, relationship/communication skills, and life transitions. You can reach her at 845-425-4842 or www.myfamilycoach.com.